That is a very interesting insight regarding self sabotage and not sleeping. Hey, glad my comment helped a bit. That is always my aim when sharing our experiences. Video documentation is totally valid, we do that too, it’s helped us a lot. - Sam

Thanks Sam I can for sure see what you’re saying and we never thought about it that way. We use to think that form of communications was internal/ like the inner world but your comment has made us realize how we have better communication with some than others without being in the inner world 🌊🃏

When we were heavy into system discovery there were times when it seemed like we experienced what you are describing…think or say an alter name and they are close. Best advice I can give is to note this and who is fronting, best you can tell, when it happens. Does it seem like that alter can easily call another specific alter, or groups of them. What about for you, as Derek…can you call Carl easier than someone else? Ask your selves these questions and document it. This could become an important input to system mapping. Some alters only front based on what another is feeling, as an example. It’s all clues and pieces to figuring out the puzzle box of DID for yourselfs. That has been our experience anyway. Hopefully other systems can share their experiences with you too. All the best. -Sam

Hope you feel a little relief soon man, having DID especially when BPD is co morbid is really tough. But…having DID means you’re resilient. The will to survive is strong in you(s) , even if it doesn’t feel like that in the moment. All the best. - Sam

The coffee…. I can totally relate. I am the black coffee guy in our system too, totally get it. -Sam

I just wanted to say that I hope that you are feeling at least a bit better! your feelings are valid and these things that happened in the past we're not your fault and there is very possibly someone or something inside deep that you can't communicate with but is able to send these feelings to the surface and and you're the one that gets to deal with them at the moment I'm sorry that you're having to deal with these feelings I think you're great your dog thinks you're great and I'm sure your honey bunny significant other thinks you're great and the world would not be the same without you I don't know if you watch the KZbinr DID Hatchery? She has a few videos about being inpatient and talking about her experiences and the importance of inpatient. There are rehab facility's that also take people experiencing these feelings and Mabey that is somthing to look into. You are loved and im watching you 😉❤

I’m sorry they didn’t believe you because you were calm. I think they don’t understand that different parts want different things and both sides can be true at the same time. I may have partaken in the impulsive shopping for childhood things a few times myself. I think it’s healing for my littles 😊 but I’m trying to get on top of it. Glad you made it to the crisis centre we’ve been sending healing beams your way 💫

We are all routing for you guys. One simple thing that really helped us was to know that thoughts aren't final and if we wait long enough they pass. Seems like Egor is routing for you too. Sending you all healing beams 💫💫💫

No way! I literally went through my old journals the day you posted this video because I was teaching a journalling class. I have lots of parts that aren't present now or that come out for a time and then go back to being dorment. I've worked with other systems who have the same experience too. I know I'm just a random on the internet but I remember in the begining, finding others that felt like me bought me some comfort so I guess that's why I'm sharing. Loved your video, we wish you all the best and thanks for letting us see a part of your lives.

Denial is a tough stage to be in but it's perfectly normal. As is not recognising your face/emotions. You have great insight and you make perfect sense to us. I remember early on I felt very confused about all the feelings and we found it helpful to say to the parts inside, 'thanks for talking to me, is there something you need from me or is there something you are concerned about right now?' It was a helpful conversation starter. They didn't always answer in words, sometimes it would be an instinct. A bit like how you say you know something happened but you don't have the movie in your head. I enjoyed your video, it was very authentic!

I think it takes courage to talk about all that you're experiencing. I'm sure there's other people out there that you're reaching and making an impact on. Thanks for sharing. I like the series.

Thank you for sharing. Hope you're doing ok. I appreciate your videos because I can relate to a lot of what you're saying and it helps to not feel like you're the only one dealing with stuff. I appreciate you 🩷.

Love your videos. I can relate. Thanks for sharing your experience.

You are very clearly your own person. I can tell right off the bat that its you❤

Hey there, It's Borhan here! I'm a huge fan of your "Blob… System?" KZbin channel. Your content is always top-notch, and I can see the passion and effort you pour into each video. I believe you have incredible potential to reach an even wider audience with a solid KZbin strategy. I would love to schedule a short meeting with you to discuss how I can help you grow your channel faster. This is not a sales call, but an opportunity to share ideas and offer assistance. Let me know if you're interested, and we can find a convenient time to chat. Thanks for your time and for creating such amazing content. Keep up the fantastic work!

Please don't feel like you are somehow bad or wrong because you are unsure if you are a System or not. I have known for over 2 years that I am, I've had Alters talk to people close to me and were quite open to expressing that they and I are not the same, I have been realizing that *MANY* of "my" memories are actually the memories and experience of Alters throughout my entire life and my family pretty much accepted that I was a bit odd. Doubt about a System can creep up at any time, in my experience. Case in point: last night one of the Alters fronted, recorded a 40 minute video with the intent for it to be seen outside of the System, her speech patterns are entirely unique, and she said that it was only her 3rd (known) time fronting. And then she proceeded to talk to a close friend of mine over Goggle Meet (with his permission) for another half hour. 😂 He is completely aware of my System and to his credit he took it completely in stride. This morning I was writing a letter to my family about it, and out of the middle of nowhere I suddenly started to be afraid that I had just made it all up and if I emailed the letter, I was going to sound utterly crazy. But I checked and the file is there. It is quite known in my System that as the Host, the "fog of forgetfulness" causes me a lot of difficulty and just completely forgetting things, even if I was entirely and confidently aware of it as it was happening. It's a cycle that happens time and time again, despite that I have numerous recordings and documents from the other Alters, and the fact that usually my System is quite open and talkative most of the time. Sometimes that 'hard evidence' is all I've got to go on until I can remember again. When I listen to the recordings especially, I know that those are not my thoughts, it's not at all how I think, especially with the Littles. Having to live in the co-fronting/co-conscious state is a bastard. Constantly knowing that you know, but wondering if you actually know and the opinion can vary depending on who else is there. It's like being stuck in the passenger's seat in your life. But if you were faking or "making it up", you would KNOW. Maybe not every single instance, but you yourself have those moments when you know that you are distinctively different from someone else inside. It is a long standing joke in the System that I cannot pretend to be *any* of the other Alters, and I've tried! Even last night after the Alter left and I was talking to my friend, I was curious if I could sound like her for a few words or a single sentence. And in the Headspace I turned around and suddenly smacked my face into a brick wall that shouldn't have been there. It was a big gigantic "Nope!" And that was that, even if I still retained the head knowledge of how she feels moving the body, I had zero actual ability to mimic her. I know I certainly had a long time if "This isn't real, this *can't* be real" because I also have a lot of memories of people telling me I was making things up to get attention. It used to confuse me to pieces. It's not fun growing up just thinking that everyone is going to think I'm a liar, even when I know I was telling the truth. It was quite difficult for me to come to terms with being a System because of this, even though when I discovered my System it was when I had a realization and instantly found myself thrust into the Headspace and more of a few of them were there, looking at me in complete shock that I could see them and I was interacting with them directly. 🤣 Coming to terms with being a System is not a linear path. How could it be when the point of being a System is to stay under the radar? As for the Alters conversation being just like "extra thoughts" kinda stuffed in there, yes, that absolutely happens. I know that my System is odd in that sense, because I do have Alters talking directly to me in their voice, but I also unintentionally started to connect with my System about 15 years ago and I just saw it as self care, because I couldn't understand why this 3 year old girl was crying and crying and crying. She did that every single day for the year I was in college and I just reached a point that I needed to "soothe the little inner child" to essentially make it stop. So I very much have a long standing communication with my Alters (other parts of my route have been *unique* as well) and talking to them before I really grasped what I was doing. It's a process. But even now there is a lot of times when I hear something and I'm not sure who it is and can only piece it together by the context of their words. So please don't feel like the lack of hi definition voices invalidates your System. ❤ LMAO! The background fighting. Yup! That is certainly a thing! 😂 Inner World... Gosh yes. BUT I will say that it wasn't always there. Systems can certainly work on making one (from what I understand) but I am also a very extremely visual person so I don't know how that affects any of it. But our Inner World (2.0 and still current version) started as just writing a fantasy story. I was so mad that I couldn't find the right books to tell the stories that I felt, or the stories I wanted to hear. That was about 20 years ago. All that time up until I discovered the System, I still thought that they were simply made up stories, written about characters that were so pushy and demanding in my thoughts that I just *HAD* to write them. It turns out that I (and another Alter) were documenting the Inner World and we now refer to the 1k+ pages of writing as System Documents and it is something that we use to check to see if an Alter is there and could be found in the System. Now I can go back and look at those and see who is there and other writing that we have done over the years, and the Alter's fingerprints are all over it. In the stories, an Alter can have multiple characters depending on what 'role' they want to play out and experience at any given time. There have been times when it has been a complete shock finding an Alter hidden in those documents. And there is *so much* in there that explains a lot about how the System thinks about and frames our existence. I'm still finding new things all the time, so much is "hidden in plain sight." Even hints about some of the trauma for certain Alters, even if I don't know or I'm unsure of the specifics. I didn't write all of this stuff down because I knew and understood what I was doing, I did it because I *absolutely* had to write down the stories. That's all I knew at the time. Learning to communicate is a slow process of taking the time to listen, to allow yourself to let your Alters be the proof of their existence, of their own experience, without being validated and proven right by you first. I can tell you that I know quite well how hard that is to think, especially as a Host trying to come to grips with the enormity of being a System and all the twists and turns it adds to your life. And I very much apologize if it sounds insulting as if I'm accusing you of not doing well enough, not being kind enough, or anything else of the sort. I'm my experience, a (consistent/long term) Host is chosen because they are trusted. They have the capacity to to help, possibly to heal others within the System. But the "on the job learning" can be a real bastard. It a stinkin' tough job. Not every System has someone willing to figure out how to make things work, to adapt so other Alters are allowed to be their individual selves, to care for the other Alters, even the difficult ones who genuinely show that they want help to change and be better for everyone. But to me, by the very existence of your channel and your videos, you very much are expressing your openness to connect with your "System Family." And just to be clear, I am not a mental health person or anything of the sort. I'm just an Alter in a System who, over time, have learned how to be caring, accepting, and value the individuals within our System. I know I'm long-winded, it is just force of habit. I hope my rambling helped you and the Blob... System? have some small answers and insight that you may have been looking for. ❤ (Also, please excuse any typos... 😅) ~🕯️Robin

Hey, youre not alone. At all. Im in the exact same boat as you. I want you to know that you are not alone in this, and that every system is unique. What you experience will differ from anothers experience, but that doesnt make you any less of a valid system if you are one. I think im a system too, and it can feel really lonely when everyone elses stories seem so drastic and you just cant relate. I get it man, i wish you the best.

Discovering I was the host of a System a little over two years ago was quite shocking. But I can tell you that I went through this same exact thing. It's so confusing and disorienting. Especially when everything is getting forcibly buried again causing so much forgetfulness, triggering another round of denial, etc. as the evidence of the disorder seems to disappear. As the host I'm also almost always co-conscious so for me that makes the denial at times even worse because I feel like "I'm just being weird" or when a Little is co-fronting that I'm just trying to get out of doing some adulting or something. Trying to ignore those feelings as valid, I've come to learn does not make them go away, and worse yet (in my opinion) it hurts the Little (or any Alter) because they are denied the consideration of their want or desire and emotionally punished for it. One thing that's been hard for me to accept about DID/OSDD is that denial is part of the condition. In the two years that I've been aware I've had it, time and time again I keep having these times where I'm almost entirely convinced that it's just me... but every time after I come to the end of myself, the Alters are still there and not under my control. It's a weird thing to be comforted by, but those times have gotten a bit easier to weather knowing and trying to understand all of that. I hope you and your System have a wonderful day! ~Robin

Wanted to say I appreciate you sharing this, and it is very nice seeing other alters who aren't hosts making them. Edit: I do also want to say that while we do not listen to heavy punk, a lot of us very much enjoy art. Particularly painting and charcoal as a medium.

Congrats! Sounds like a validating situation! What a great friend 🥰 I want you to know that denial is normal and necessary sometimes for the host. Is also important everyone gets to feel seen and heard

Hey we are the Anderson system and it’s always good to hear and see other systems on KZbin. You all have a good channel keep up the good work. We have a KZbin channel as well talking about our DID as well 🎉