I'm bright, they're dim 🔅

😢 the pain dulls but I don't think it ever stops even when you find a little bit of happiness it's still there in the pit of your stomach and it's changed you no matter how much you say it hasn't you will never let yourself get hurt that way again, I spent 20+ years protecting myself and when I finally was convinced that she was never going to hurt me I let go and I'm sure I shouldn't have now, still in love with someone who has completely cut me out of her life, I keep telling myself I should have never let go and kept myself guarded so that I wouldn't have to feel like this but I know that I can love someone like that again, myself I never understood what people were talking about because I just never cared that much about me, I was more concerned about making everyone around me happy only to find myself heartbroken and lonely looking for someone who was like myself who would give me back what I was giving them, now I know that the only person who is capable is me, I haven't figured out how yet but I know that drugs and alchohol only make it easier to live without that pain for a short period of time and then you just have more pain and more problems to add to your hollowness, I can't imagine what it must've been like to have loving supportive people in my life I think I would be happier but I know I would be weaker because you only gain strength through strif. Good luck making peace with your demons I would say turn to God if I could forgive him myself but maybe one day I will understand why I have had to go through so much pain

It's never as bad as it feels, I spent many years fighting suicidal thoughts, killing my pain with drugs and alcohol and I wish I had an easy answer for you, some people find peace in God but I haven't been able to forgive him myself so I'm not going to assume that you are capable of it either. If I was you I would try to figure out everything I liked about myself and everything I didn't like about myself then I would try to take the things I didn't like about myself and turn them into something that I could live with, I have a problem of loving people more than they love me, usually more than I love myself and I always thought that I would eventually find someone like myself who would make me feel the way I have always tried to make them feel it took someone who I actually thought was like myself breaking me for me to realize that I was the only person capable of loving myself the way that I needed to be loved, I haven't figured out how to do it yet but I have a reason to get up every morning again

It's much worse to have kids that you don't know at 46 I think about them all the time and wonder what I could have done differently. At 32 you have plenty of time to have kids and a great life it starts with you, fix what you don't like about yourself and forget about the rest of the world, focus on yourself and before you know it you won't feel like this as much, sure everyone has bad days and some of us have bad months and years but it's up to us to find our own happiness, I personally was hoping for the zombie apocalypse at 32 but I give up on that now, get out get some sunshine and some fresh air and make a plan I think that is probably the best advice I can give you, find something you like to do besides drugs and alcohol because they have never brought anyone up, they will always bring you down in the end. I don't have any artistic ability but lots of people have found purpose in it weather it's words, music, paint or anything else women aren't everything and nobody can fill the holes in us but ourselves, good luck, and never give up tomorrow might be the best day of your life