Feeling validated. Thank you.

FA here, this is accurate. Well done 💯

Tutorial: how to stretch 10 seconds of information to a 5 minutes video

I've blocked my ex from everything. We haven't spoken a word to one another in 10 months. I don't think it makes a difference either way. I think when you're done, stuff like lurking is basically meaningless. I just don't want to see her pop up on my stories. I'm protecting my peace at this point.

It's actually way easier not having a social media at all in that sense. It removes the whole meta game. Everything you upload, everything your ex uploads, it always has layered meanings and therefore the both of you can't resist interpreting it, and agonizing over it. It's passive aggressive, ugly and cynical. Even blocking sends a message as by now it has gotten customary that blocking can be temporary.

It turns out females use IG as a faux dating app that has plausible deniability built-in. Meaning- stories are a lure into DMs that don't have substance, platonic or otherwise. Resulting in a weird store window display with nothing for sale, so to speak. Real Contact from aliens is more likely,

Very true. I'm FA. I really feel sense of betrayal and I have trust issues on people because in past my trust was broken multiple times. I'm don't like to be totally vulnerable in front of all the people once few which i am trust but imagine you you don't a few and then also they betray you. After getting dumped my DA i went into my cave and you can see me normal from outside but deep down i don't like relying on anybody else now emotionally. This breakup with DA literally killed me. She offered friendship like she is doing some good deed for the universe. I see full betrayal. I am in no contact now for atleast 6 months.

Why the hell does anyone care about their ex???

The Ex I don't want want me back while the Ex I want don't want me back. 😂 I don't know should I cry or laugh.

She ended it, not me. So yes I definitely want it back. Ugh. Frail!

"the answer you want isn't the answer you really want"... This psychological conundrum applies to other aspects of female relationship behavior, according to what has blown up on the internet. No recommendations beyond, getting women to, "think better"? In what ways, generally?

A hard pill to swallow for most. Personally, haven't wondered what my ex's next move is but I've fallen pray to trying to justify her behavior or trying to figure out how to best mold myself to some of her traits that *she needs to work on* rather than me holding myself to a higher standard.

Really... my ex next move shouldn't be of my concern... what I should be able to control now is my answer to my self. That's what is been tuff and dificult, I can't even understand who am I now!

Laura, it is a very difficult mental exercise to think you could belong to a community that chooses unhealthy partners. You look like a very self-conscious person. Is our subconscious brain that powerful?

Happy to hear that I was blocked because they cared about me too much 😊

None of this matters. The end result is a person who flees and hurts people over and over again. If they can't work that out, then don't date or get into relationships. Plenty of people are really damaged after this sort of behaviour and as Ken Reid points out, they can even un-alive themselves because of how twisted around they become (after months of promises and good treatment). Also, I really doubt that at the forefront of the mind of someone who's in flight or freeze mode are the thoughts "I'm doing this because I care about the other person". They can *say* that, but hte behaviour shows otherwise.

Attachment theory isn't everything. And even secure people love and want to be with partners, as opposed to being alone.

Really helpful and succinct video on attachment dynamics. This has been really helpful for me to understand my current "thinking" of my recent ex. I kind of had got there with my own thinking, much thinking. But you put the icing on the cake thank you. Briefly; I knew of our incompatibility in our 7 month relationship. But I had a strong attraction and desire (need?) to throw caution (sense) to the wind and just go the optimistic route. She has trauma in her backround and Avoidant issues which reinforced the intermittent reward dynamic. I finished due to a lack of emotional intimacy connection it was playing havoc with my generally stable demeanour. I had had enough! I determined afterwards there were so many red flags and impossible practical hurdles and differences. Lauralea you have explained my conflict with my real common sense prefrontal cortex thinking and the frustrating "romantic" Attachment internal feelings and cyclic rumination whenever she appears in my physical space where we live. Thanks again

You're so hot 🌶️. I'm over my ex. Thanks!

No, there aren't "many wonderful people out there". Life is not a supermarket where you just get a new model if you didn't like the old one. People you authentically love come very few times in your lifetime. I am 49, I have a broad social circle, and I am not convinced at all by the options out there. I am not going to chose someone just to avoid being alone, I did that for 18 years of marriage and it destroyed me. And I also know I cannot wait forever for my DA to come around, no matter how much I love her, no matter how perfect we are as a couple in all the other areas, I have to push forward with my life. It just makes so sad to think that this loneliness will be my reality for a long long time, maybe forever. And sorry for the rant.

This dilemma appears to assume only high intensity, commitment level, interest in relationships. Yet there are lower intensity options as well, which in practical ways takes the devil out of the process. Why not include casual and significant levels of interest as options along with exclusive and commitment levels?

Wouldnt even think about my ex if you were in my life

Being a DA who is working on myself, I have felt, the initial level up in commitment, or rather the seeming ease your potential partner can quickly and easily move into deep commitment raises a red flag in my mind. Like I instantly become suspicious, internally questioning “do they just want a relationship - they don’t even really know me, so how can they commit so easily, it could be anyone”.

What a word salad of jargon. The only part that makes sense is the attraction to a past caregiver. She speaks is such general and vaque terms.

Quite impressive the accuracy with which you explain these things so casually and grounded. Very helpful.

I've really appreciated your perspectives and candor in delivering them. This video is no different. I do have a question that I ask in the spirit of curiosity, not criticism. What IS love? Or, rather, more specifically, what is it to be "IN love"? Because, after enduring a couple of these agonizing splits, I'm prepared to agree fully that I'm withdrawing from a very intense addictive pattern. But while I see a whole lot of good argumentation for why this isn't actually being in love, I don't know that I'd be able to recognize it if I was. Would I even enjoy being in love? Do I really only truly enjoy the intoxication of fragile enmeshment? I'm honestly not trying to wax philosophical about the issue, I promise 😅.

Why do girls ghost? Especially after saying they think you aren’t interested in them and don’t reply fast. So you step up and then they just ignore you… I don’t get it?

Yes, to dialing back the love stories, in favor of realistic facts about attachment. Also- Isn't there more to be said about basic platonic relationships somehow being replaced by such heavy romantic focus? Since, it seems a given by professionals, that our blueprint for romantic relationships is explained as being governed by childhood ups and downs?

Something that keeps twisting in my brain, what keeps tripping me up, is not the definition of 'love' but rather the extremely flexible definition of 'relationship'. People end up in relationships where one is appreciating some companionship, comfort and intimacy while the other is smitten, can't live without. Or any combinations and gradations thereof. We all have one word for a vast spectrum of connections and it completely messes us up.

Thanks for all your videos. I finally realized I have fearful avoidant attachment and just went thriugh a tough breakup over the holidays. It's been extremely difficult looking in the mirror and examining my past behaviors, but hopeful I can shift my actions moving forward.

Great video! One tip from experience is you can get a lot out more out of a dismissive avoidant partner if you make it safe for them to talk by working on how you react when they try to bring issues up with you

Hi Laura!! We used to talk on Instagram. Do you not have it anymore? I would love to connect with you privately

That is so helpful and profound-“I am the love of my life”-thank you 🙏🏽 I would still like to see the video of what you love about being single :)

Thanks for offering to ground us. You have that ability and energy 🙏🏽

It's common for relationships to encounter obstacles, but there is always a solution. My own marriage faced considerable issues, but with appropriate guidance, my husband and I worked through them and deepened our connection. Solutions are achievable if you're ready to work together. Stay hopeful-there's always a way forward.

If you've reached the point of No-Contact, you should stay that way for life..

Thanks. I’ve learned so much. My avoidant ex refused therapy, no work on anything with three kids involved. Just done and a new relationship for her two weeks later after 18 months. It was horrible role modeling. I am working hard on my attachment. That’s all I can do but it is sad. Poof. I’m done chasing anyone. I’m done with inconsistency or ambivalence. I tolerated way too much, let myself get so attached to an inconsistent person. Uggg

Haha!!! get back together with an ex? Oh yeah…I escaped the gas chamber, but hey, let me go back in there and see if I can do it for a second time. NEVER GO BACK! Why would anyone waste their time with this?

I think you left out the primary reason this occurs. Often the avoidants seeks out an emotionally available partner only to be scared away by their own feelings. So they revert to what feels safe; another emotionally unavailable person who they are much more able to connect with, though that relationship is also doomed due to a lack of love. Understanding this dynamic, assuming it occurred, makes accepting our separate roles in the relationship a lot easier.

thank you for this video.. I'm a month or so out on my own after my lovely lady ended it with me at the end of novemeber.. I'd move heaven and earth for this woman, she is THE most incredible person I've ever had the honour of knowing.. and for a while (a little over 3 years, but not all of it smooth sailing), she was totally invested in me.. I've since learned that I have FA and DA traits a,d a sprinkling of AP too :/ .. and I suspect, although I'm not certain, but knowing what I do of her upbringing and past relationships, that she has at the very least some AP and FA traits of her own.. certainly she isn't the SA here.. there's work she may need to do as well, but just like I was unaware til recently, I doubt she knows herself which Attachment Box she's sitting in.. Of course with both parties coming from different boxes, it makes communicating about and during conflict very difficult, ESPECIALLY when neither person knows why they are acting in the ways they do in these circumstances.. She told me months ago that she needed to back away emotionally from 'us', and now says she has "moved on".. but I know she still loves me, (I'm a lovable guy ;) and I'm not being arrogant in saying that), and I know that she absolutely needs her space to 'refind' herself at the moment, and I'm ok with all of that.. she is free to do what she wants, as she always has been.. I've never tried to control or manipulate her since the day we met.. and I never would.. I do miss her terribly, going to bed alone is horrible, it's the what I'd feared the worst - abandonment - and yet I brought it on myself, by not understanding why I was behaving the way I was - shutting down in conflict, days of silent treatment (because I literally did not know how to fix things, didn't know what was broken even), a bit of pleading and pacification thrown in too.. anything to avoid her taking those first painful steps away from me.. but it's happened now.. But I'm not dead (although I did question the necessity of my existence a few times the other week, but I'm stronger than that, so I shook off those thoughts pretty damn quick), I will survive this, even though I've never had pain like this before, and I've done more research and self discovery in the last fortnight than in my previous entire 47 years..! It feels good to now understand my "Style" and I'm developing a multi-faceted plan to put myself back together to be a healthy and happy person capable of being Stable with my attachment.. Once I'm back to talking with her on a regular basis, (we're still friends and have a number of mutuals as well, she hasn't dumped out my family members from her fb, nor has she blocked me or told me to get stuffed, just told me that she needs her space, which I'll respect), I can be the strong and stable one and I'll hold her hand til the end of time if needed, as she works her side of the coin.. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.. I hope this helps someone.. I know talking about it helps me.. as does, (as I found out about myself this week) writing poetry, of all things! maybe I'll show her one day.. anywho, take care everyone, and be honest with yourself, and those you love :)

We are not getting back together lol

Lol bye

I remember my ex telling how she had done all the inner work before we met. Basically as the relationship progressed this transpired into me being the cause of all the problems & there was nothing wrong from her end. Extremely avoidant, I got blamed for everything before discard.....no accountability on her part for one thing.

She is a Dismissive Avoidant number one. I was pushing too fast and smothering. I brought up things from the past the whole nine yards. I was no saint. After 7 months no contact I see no future for us. Hell it was over at day one no contact. Just be honest with yourself. The truth will set you free and deep down inside we all know the truth..

Haven’t spoke for 2-3 weeks since she started dating another. I do miss her, but I don’t understand how she just moved on so quickly? After 1.5 years together… I’m also under the impression the new guy is already staying over at hers at night. And she normally is not that type of person. I’m hurting so much, and how she doesn’t care just blows my minds Only last month I told her how much I love her said she was the one. And she got so excited. And she told me about a week before the break up she live me so much. I just don’t understand how all this happened. It’s the most confusing and hurtful thing I’ve ever went through. Edit, I feel she just used me, until she met another. I can’t eat max sleep or do anything apart from think of her. I feel cold and empty all the time.

My DA contacts me everyday, once during daytime and before going to sleep.

Women want to get even because of their feelings. Yet a man does the same and all of a sudden he's a dick. Hypocrites the lot of you

My ex went on a rampage through the proverbial football team before our relationship ended giving me a fear trauma I still deal with today. Last year she was diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian and the clock is ticking down. Now I'm not saying anything but...

I'm sure he's a great guy.

My ex isnt reaching out & neither am I. NC of nearing 3 months. She is too far gone & Iam moving on, dont think she will ever know what she threw away but her loss not mine!