12 SIGNS SOMETHING WAS OFF IN THAT COVERT NARCISSIST RELATIONSHIP

[@CommonEgo]

Thanks for watching! What were the early signs something was wrong in your relationship with a covert narcissist (or other emotionally abusive person)?

[@elly6136]

He had no social life at all.... I knew from day one.... Thought he was just shy...

[@CommonEgo]

@Scarecrow 2112 I also find it hard to believe that a professional would draw any conclusions on a first meeting. Seems like a doctor saying you dont have cancer without first running any tests. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, and I hope things get better for you 🙏❤

[@gilmourishgilmourish6205]

Scarecrow 2112 I suggest you run because it’ll get worse!

[@stephenchute4276]

For me it was an uneasy feeling about her secretive behavior...always keeping her phone in hand...lying for no reason about things..telling me that her boss was in love with her or that guys were checking her out at the store...looking back there were a ton of signs which I chose to ignore because I was already under her 'spell'...how could she possibly be a bad person..she prayed over every meal.. went to church..had rosary beads hanging from her rearview mirror...I saw the tip of the psychotic nightmare in that first little lie..Stephen Chute

[@gilmourishgilmourish6205]

stephen chute omg ... here too. Praying before every meal, smiling all the time to everyone on the road. He had three phone numbers I discovered in February. I couldn’t do anything right walking on eggshells and criticising. Sex was loveless and robotic which made it even worse as there is nothing left to go on. He blamed it all on me but I did expose it to some but no one understands. His son knows what I was talking about. Did the same to him bless you Stephen

[@Lauren-sp5ub]

Wow. When you said “you physically want to shake them because if they just stop acting this way, it would be all good” my jaw literally dropped. I think the craziest part about covert narcissists is that you can sit here and watch so many videos that confirm and match up with all of your suspicions and STILL not fully believe that they are.

[@cyndi1d23]

Agree! That's the "covert" part, it's hidden so to speak. And the gaslighting has you questioning your own thoughts and realities. But the fact that u looked this video up means your intuition is telling you something! All the best x

[@Lauren-sp5ub]

@@cyndi1d23 thank you! All the best to you as well!

[@TrueHoudini]

Spot on !! It’s almost like a too spot on to be true feeling which is replaced by the thoughts of them not being that way because it’s so on point smh

[@TrueHoudini]

My mind feels so confused like how can everything be so precise in all these videos kind of gives me chills and makes me be way too observant to where I wanna just break free because of all the mental work it is always guessing what’s the mood because of all the silence

[@xMarrilliamsx]

It's so hard to wrap one's head around the idea that this person that seemed so into you was just playing a part and that none of it was real. I know this person I've been talking to for a while checks all of the boxes for covert narcissism but there's still part of me that wants to hope or deny reality. It's so fucking twisted and sad. The only thing I can say is that it has already made me a stronger person and has made me really start working on myself to try and weed out people like this from my life. I really hope that you can come out stronger after this and now you will be able to more easily identify the narcissist that will try and slide under the radar. Wish you all the best!

[@healthyintention]

Having had both experience with narcissistic relationships, and two kids on the autism spectrum, let me say this very clearly: There is a HUGE difference between someone who has difficulty understanding how you feel, and someone who just doesn't care how you feel.

[@CommonEgo]

Thank you for sharing. I think it's a difficult distinction to understand until you've experienced both. And your comment would have been helpful to me when I was in that place, so I hope it reaches anyone who needs to hear it now ❤🙏

[@jeandanielodonnncada]

Thank you, I am autistic and a helping professional. This confounds people who think I am not supposed to know how to be empathetic. Honestly, I care, but have to ask specific follow up questions to know how people feel! Ironically, this makes me better at my job than some neurotypical colleagues who assume they can "read" people and are, well, often wrong.

[@Sandra-faith]

I could have written this. True!

[@cassiebennet4262]

Narcissists are DEDICATED to not understanding or caring how you feel.

[@LG-vh2gs]

It’s emotionally and psychologically draining.

[@CommonEgo]

Definitely

[@krystalMtn]

Eventually it does become physically dealing too.

[@gilmourishgilmourish6205]

True true true

[@Alpinewild444]

it made me physically ill too.

[@flamingsword777]

@@Alpinewild444 same. I wound up developing deadly thyroid cancer that almost took me out twice due to thyroid storm before I ever even knew I was sick.

[@brightpage1020]

Omg “you’re in mourning, needing a hug, and your partner just can’t be bothered with you.” Hit a nail on the head. Wow.

[@CommonEgo]

It does for so many. When you experience true grief, I think it breaks their programming. They can't even pretend to care 😔

[@Alpinewild444]

yes mine too, he was like a robot, he had not one clue how to behave in any compassionate way.

[@faletoomata8695]

When my dad died a few years ago, there was no hug at the family home, got home, cried in bed, no hug - I was lucky to get a pat on the back and even then I could feel it was a chore for him to do that. During the funeral preps, I had to walk around on eggshells as he would snap at me because HE was tired from work and having to deal with the preparations was too exhausting. I have PTSD now, I now do all the snapping, he has no chance with me now as I fly into a rage everytime he tries to manipulate me. My kids just stand back and let me deal with it as they know their dad aint going to change. In fact, I sense fear in his voice as I have so much amo, he retreats and sulks for the rest of the day. I will admit, dealing with a narc for 30yrs has made me resiliant as it does get to a point when he runs out of steam yet I now keep firing back to the extent I follow him around the house all guns blazing.

[@Prisy087]

Gloves Off just get out of there . You are about to lose your good side and good self

[@faletoomata8695]

@@Prisy087 I know what you mean Priscilla. I can feel it happening. The buildup of so many years of emotional abuse is finally erupting where he actually can't handle me. It's funny how when you've been with someone for so long, every move, every sound, every thought they make - you've mastered to the point where they can't manipulate you anymore because you know them better than they know themselves. I can read him like a book now and he absolutely hates it. I don't like whats happening to me but it has made me so much stronger. My confidence has sky rocketed to the point where I am now studying psychology because, well being in the 50s club and 30yrs of that with a narc, I have the life experience so I can relate to many of the disorders people deal with. Studying has also helped greatly with my healing.

[@viksiiiable]

The one that I remember most clearly is me often thinking: "He is hurting me on purpose", which was always followed by :"no, cannot be, nobody is that evil." The moment when I accepted that someone is that evil, my liberation began.

[@conqururfear]

I was married for 12 years my wife left me on August 1 we had begin dating May 2008 married four years later so 12 years of FUC&&NG me /“from here to Hiroshima “: - jus turned 50 she is 47, AUGUST 1 I , she droppped me , I didn’t discover your videos so you until a, from August 1 to get moved out so she’s been gone now damn near 2/2 months, great topic here YHE SEX IS WHAT HAS ROBBED ME OF MY INSANITY, I FEEL LIKE I ATE poisoninous 🍏 🍉 🍌 🍎 🍎 🍎 FRUIT FROM THE garden of eden!!,'!!

[@8no1likeme-infinitestar65]

I

[@anesu6391]

Yes they are that evil lol Very easily

[@ceruleanwonder]

My ex had an issue with how I wrapped Christmas presents. I should’ve known then😅

[@viksiiiable]

@@ceruleanwonder Mine had issues with how I placed the groceries in the fridge.

[@rebeccamorris1788]

- He seems to become depressed when I'm working on myself and achieving goals. - His behavior towards me was not consistent, on occasions he looks like he doesn't want me to even touch/go close to him. - He would say all nice things over text message during the day, when he come home he would not live up to most of what he said. Making me think ''have I been texting a different person all day?''. - Lack of affection which got worse over-time. - Saying ''everything is fine'' ''everything will be okay'' when things are NOT fine. - Going distant for no real reason. - Questioning my self-worth due to his behavior/lack of communication.

[@Sinikkastudio]

🎯

[@lovely87ym]

Wow I feel very single one of these things I cannot believe it how much more clear can it be

[@robinhoneyman4444]

how much is this avoidant attachment

[@JennyAmigo31]

Yes- this is me- esp. the texting one. We got married a year ago- now he texts all day and comes home and doesn’t even greet me hello. I’m like- “who is this imposter?!”

[@alyciamarie4163]

Yes!!! “ everything is fine” “ everything is okay” no ass nothing is okay!!!! Nothing for ME is okay! It’s fine and okay for you! Bc it’s all about you!!!!!!! And after a fight you have to apologize and reassure them all day. It’s never ending . Absolutely never ending.

[@allfiredup93]

My ex had a phrase ‘it doesn’t affect me so I don’t care’.

[@natashasays]

Same!!!!

[@CommonEgo]

He basically told you he was a narcissist. I had a similar experience early on, and I've since become very attuned to how people describe themselves. They'll often give themselves away ❤🙏

[@CommonEgo]

@LegOver Lass I've learned that one the hard way too!

[@cubanita365]

Mine used the phrase "not my problem" all the time and still does. I started throwing it back at him and he hated it. Now hearing anyone use that phrase irritates the f out of me

[@dianne7250]

yep

[@vampireslayer1989]

My gut told me that there was something wrong when I met the woman. My brain and heart wanted her. My gut said "danger". It took me almost three years to figure out that she was Narcissistic Personality Disordered. She hid it so well. They are deadly.

[@CommonEgo]

There's often that feeling that something is "off"

[@catherinewacker141]

Took me 6...UGH! But I am five months NC like a BOSS and feeling like Wonder Fucking Woman!!!

[@gilmourishgilmourish6205]

Same here. From the start! But my little girl loved him and got to me through her. I felt the danger but couldn’t put my finger on it. Took me 2,5 years to leave. 11 months no contact! Getting out of the fog and writing it all down!

[@gilmourishgilmourish6205]

Lou Lou bless you !! Take care and try not to look back. When I am done writing I will be done with him too

[@vampireslayer1989]

@@gilmourishgilmourish6205, Hang in there gorgeous! It does get better. I'm out almost four years. Today I'm totally enlightened and do not fear Cluster Bs in the least. I observe their behaviors and never absorb. Soon you will not need your notes! The pain does go away.

[@edgreen8140]

Never tell them what bothers you. They will do what bothers you exponentially. They sometimes pretend to have adhd ,they don't they are inattentive because they don't care.

[@alyssarosexoxo5496]

Yessssss. I told my ex that I needed to get a diagnoses for adhd because I really struggle to do basic things that most people can do and not because I'm lazy or can't focus or shut up. He lowkey belittled me for it and basically told me I'm fine and that he doesn't see any of it and that i just need to try harder and said that everyone else who also agreed with me didn't know me well enough then (all of them have known me years longer than him). Once I got it and started using medication, he was upset that I wasn't as non stop talkative even though he told me before I took medication that I talk too much and am too loud. And didn't like that I am not as emotional ("including when on my period") even though my emotions before that consisted of crying almost all the time, feeling and projecting my anxiety and insecurity because of my anxiety (which just doesn't make sense why he wouldn't like that because that was one of the main things I obviously struggled with) I'm still able to laugh, and joke and feel happiness, I just don't feel as emotional and insecure. And although my meds helped, it still doesn't help me organize and still feel a little lack of overwhelming motivation and need some help. He was completely relying on me financially, physically and will all of the chores. I brought it up to him that I'm still struggling and that he needs to help me on a daily basis to get chores done. We'll at first he guilted me, and then he did the very possible bare minimum and left me to do every single chore In the house, and then when I confronted him one last time he suddenly claimed that he also has adhd (which is completely not true as I know how he functions in everything else) he's just lazy as all can be. I even tried explaining to him that if he had roommates that he wasn't romantically involved with that it wouldn't slide and he had an excuse "well I've never dealt with it before so I wouldn't know better". Sir your 25 years old. How do you not know better.

[@bjgk1007]

This is spot on. Literally hours can be wasted on attempting to have a productive conversation. An issue is brought up. There will be blame shifting, gaslighting, word salad, etc.

[@redsquirrel1086]

I have never experienced anything as traumatic as my relatively brief relationship with a covert narcissist. You strongly suspect something is very wrong but you you don't want to confront it head on, so you are in this constant battle with yourself between reality and suspicion. It was an absolute nightmare that I am still trying to recover from it.

[@varsha2199]

Same here - just got out of a similar dynamic. I hope you’ve come out of this and more power to you ❤️

[@sugar1973us]

That's just it. Even if the relationship was brief, it still caused trauma. I have never experienced such a nightmare as you described. I'm still trying to get parts of my self back to feel whole again.

[@xyzct]

"I hate drama!" ... said every drama queen ever.

[@huckmart2017]

Lol I hate when people say that. Everyone loves drama. Its entertaining. That's why we watch movies, because they are manufactured drama. They only hate it when they are the focus of the drama

[@michelleparks4582]

@@huckmart2017 good point!!!!

[@julianterris]

What they actually mean is: "I hate it when someone else is the centre of attention"

[@SolidSiren]

You: "I love you dearly, and I really want this to work. All I want is communication and respect. Can you give that to me?" Them: "OMG I cant HANDLE your constant DRAMA! All you think about is yourself!! I have way too much to do. Get outta here with your ego." You: .....???

[@frigidmonk]

Cori Wood Them: blank stare (crickets). You: DEPERSONED, again. (Wash, rinse, repeat...). Just out of 4 yr tumultuous, confusing, soul wrenching, heartbreaking relationship. Boy oh boy it smarts. Thanks for your humor, Cori and to creator of video for the video.👍

[@dianne7250]

chronic lying and the gaslighting really sent me in a spin

[@moniquetessier5201]

Same here!! Pricks!!!

[@rainbowdreams6660]

feel exactly same

[@jessicasolano2727]

Exactly same thing for myself i went through. What a jerk.

[@PeterAcrat]

Pathological jealousy! Unfounded, unwarranted, irrational, fabricated and sensationalised pathological jealousy! That was my earliest red flag. Great video. I got 11 of your 12.

[@camilleharris3457]

One big one for me was i kept thinking i was loosing my mind, i think the gaslightening is what does that. We would agree to something, he would not follow through with whatever it was, i would ask him about it and he would make him not doing it my fault. He could spin almost everything back on me to the point it was impressive..lol. I started to hate my life and wondered if i was having a mental break or something. I really like your videos! Thank you!!

[@CommonEgo]

Gaslighting definitely does that! 🙏❤

[@boki69ful]

to the point it was impressive.. I'm glad you kept your sense of humor. That's good !

[@patriciaearley4177]

Omg that's horrible

[@Caligirl.8630]

Omg this is what I’m going through right now. I feel that I am not in control of my surroundings and that I cannot cope with my life because I have no boundaries. This is exactly what he does.

[@user-ge6uo2ry2b]

I know exactly what you are talking about. Ugh what a nightmare

[@nh55871]

And if they lie over little unnecessary things

[@CommonEgo]

Definite red flag ⛳⛳⛳

[@vfrieca6977]

Why do they even do that. It baffles me. Simple and honest answer is enough.

[@nh55871]

@@vfrieca6977 I think they do it because they're always plotti g and scheming on how to get over on people. They'd rather lie and stay in character rather than be honest in reality land with the rest of, I assume

[@MR-tr2fz]

@@vfrieca6977 now that you say this, maybe one reason they do it is to baffle us. They thrive on confusing others.

[@krystalMtn]

The majority of the time the lies are just to manipulate, confuse, and create the discord that they need for their own survival but I also think they get so accustomed to it, that it gets to where they don't even know they're doing it anymore. This doesn't excuse or omit the times that they are knowingly doing it to hide something, or when they're just playing mind games. It just seems more and more like an automated response as they get older, and it never once occurs to them that it is completley unnecessary.

[@cmsbeth]

You are the first person I have heard talk about the high functioning autism possibility! This was EXACTLY what I thought about my narcissist. And, it made me more empathetic toward him. WRONG APPROACH! 8 years of abuse ensued. I could have stopped it much sooner had I known!

[@bethanyniedjalski748]

I’m divorcing my husband of 2 years and I always thought he was autistic. No he’s not

[@lisbethfarmarbowers6476]

That is funny that it is very common to think that the covert narcissist is on the autism spectrum. I too thought that as a possibility to explain some behaviors. I also thought that he was just a passive aggressive mail and it wasn’t until quite awhile after I left I realized he was a covert narcissist and that I had been abused. I thought I was maybe a bit crazy and didn’t know how to be in a relationship. I was a well functioning woman going into the relationship and when I left I had a lot of self doubts and my confidence was very low. I am now in solid recovery and stronger than ever and can spot them a mile away. I have dodged a few narcs before getting into any kind of relationship with them. Easiest way to spot them is by setting boundaries and watch how they ignore them. 🤓

[@anneroarty6473]

Spot on well said.

[@beverlyorlando8040]

Omg yes to all of this! I'm actually in tears listening to this. It's so hurtful and after 33 years of taking this mistreatment and abuse, I'm divorcing him! I want to shout my story from the rooftops, just to let people know what i endured at the hands of this man. But people don't really believe it. Which only makes me feel revictimized! I've always felt that something was "off" with him. Was he quirky, immature, social awkward? Yes, yes, & yes!!! But it was much more than that! He was also resentful, hypersensitive, angry, loud, verbally abusive, salking, whiney etc. I felt like I was raising another toddler!

[@tiffanysauce2234]

I am so sorry you had to endure all that. I can’t imagine since I am on year 7 and want to scream and cry. I have little kids and so it’s been tough to leave but I am so ready. He’s harder than my toddlers by far and I am practically a single Mom here.

[@Wanderingstarlet]

I'm in year two, extremely sad because I genuinely love this man. But dear God, I feel like he's a bad child sometimes, I cannot be his mother. Doesn't help I was raised by a narcissist, of course I'd be attracted to them. My heart hurts so bad all the time.

[@robertschultz9892]

10 out of 12 for me. When passions or hobbies that were once welcomed and supported during the idealization phase became a source of resentment for the NPD person. Even if they were initially included, they lose interest, then get upset if you don't fold up camp and quit also. This also goes for social circles. I didn't notice the pattern until nearly all of my outside interests had vanished.

[@CommonEgo]

And there goes the sense of self... I hope you're out and feeling more like you again! ❤🙏

[@gilmourishgilmourish6205]

I finally left but left everyone around me too. Gave up all my friends to isolate myself to heal

[@creatuitiveguru]

YES, this exactly. I am not giving up my love of papercrafting. Had relationships with both types of narcs, and they both acted jealous of my love of crafting. WTF?? Paper crafting is a bunch of inanimate objects. How can you be jealous of a rubber stamp? Well, both narc husbands are gone, and I am still enjoying my hobby. Nice try to make me dependent on you for all my satisfaction and gratification in life, but you lose.

[@Princess_Of_The_Most_High]

Mine was jealous and bitter about my faith and love of Jesus Christ. It was quite sick honestly

[@pablopolski1228]

I found that conversations would just stall out and seem to go nowhere. Either into silence or changed abruptly. The description of their abilities and their actual ability were incongruent. This was subtle at first but over time the difference grew significantly.

[@Nashid77]

"The description of their abilities and their actual ability were incongruent." That part... perfectly put.

[@rocketpsyence]

This is relatable.

[@briana14333]

OMG yes.

[@cymbolichuman433]

I'm glad you are healing through your videos. I look at your face and see a beautiful soul. You could have let this get you down, but instead, you carry on to help others. An inspiration to anyone except the narcissist.

[@CommonEgo]

Thank you ❤🙏

[@terrielvwl]

I thought something was off when he was love bombing but I just let it go thinking he was just a little immature or inexperienced.

[@gigis8413]

Yes... it was so weird and like nothing i had ever experienced. And then it stops. And leaves you feeling empty and confused, because even though it WAS weird, you came to expect it and cannot understand when or why it changed. These videos are SO helpful.

[@RichardGilder]

I can't believe this - I was actually criticised for the way I cut an onion last week!!!

[@CommonEgo]

Then this video was made for you!! 😅 Hope all is well ❤🙏

[@gilmourishgilmourish6205]

Richard Gilder he did to me all the time

[@rosiecheeks.k]

Oh gawwwwd 🤣

[@4GodsPeople]

Richard Gilder I left actually escaped my soon to be x Narc Husband.... he did the same to me and it was a onion too lol Everything I did was wrong.... I tried so hard to please him and even changed my Life and how I do everything to do it all his way to have peace in our home and still was never right. After a couple of years I Lost who I was.... and had to live tip toeing daily when he was home and cherishing the times he was gone... just so I could simply relax and be myself. We shouldn’t have to live this way.... it’s not LOVE Love is patient and it is kind and NOT SELF SEEKING. They seek everything to please them... their way or the highway

[@RichardGilder]

Common Ego thank you so much. I find your videos inspirational. Would love to have a chat one day. 🕊🌲🌝

[@aaroniousone]

This video describes my ex gf perfectly. Zero empathy, emotional skills of a toddler, the devaluation, the petty excuses that never matched her actions. While I’m still devastated, at least I now know my instincts were on point.

[@sunnydaye5942]

Omg thats all I heard, how he hates drama but met me at the door with arguing and drama. Always my fault. All the time! Yeah drama is when I ask a simple question, or confronting them on issues and lies.

[@CommonEgo]

They're really good at starting drama and leaving someone else with the blame for reacting ❤

[@gilmourishgilmourish6205]

So true. Always dropping a bomb in a shop and making me react in some way. Then tells me “ you are the most beautiful woman I ever dated but the most difficult one”. 😂 although it wasn’t at the time!! After I left his ex moved in a week later and she does all the shopping 😂 he must have elaborated on how that went with me. Another task he doesn’t have to do ... shopping: lazy dickhead!!

[@Andromeda_M31]

Whenever I see "no drama" on a dating profile, I block them. They must court drama or they wouldn't bring it up. They're 100% narcs.

[@liepa7768]

His exact words too :). "why do you have to make so much drama, I just wanna be happy", however drama was only from his side.

[@shillasahlmen5742]

I think they do some how got Empathy ! They just choose not to use it . Or only use it when it's convinient to them .🤔🤔🤔

[@huckmart2017]

Yeah, I had never felt more insecure in a relationship before. I never knew where I stood with them. It felt like a game almost. In the early stages, I would think after an interaction: "okay, this person clearly isnt happy with me. Probably going to have to move on". But then she would be the most pleasant person on earth the next time I heard from them. There was this switch. Going from closed off and cold. To warm, charismatic and inviting. Most people have off days. But with her it was an intense switch, and it could happen at a moments notice. So confusing and took a long time to get used to.

[@TrueHoudini]

I pray you over came this I felt this in my heart this video and these comments have my head spinning it feels like my narc has been duplicated a thousand times and sent out to ruin people mind blown

[@tiffanysauce2234]

Yes my husband does this and it makes you insane. He does this with our kids too and they know something wrong with him and don’t trust his love at all. You never know when the verbal abuse will occur over the smallest thing you forgot to do or did and they didn’t like. Than switch to nothing happened and talking to you like everything’s okay. Sometimes the most charming person you have met and than boom your worst nightmare going off on you or your kids. I hope you get out and can move on to a better life.

[@Jade-wb6fd]

I literally had no appetite the entire time I was with him and I thought it was butterflies but it was actually the fight or flight response because of anxiety

[@conqururfear]

The main thing that I realized upfront was different was SHE WAS aggressive in bed I’ve never had a woman take charge I never had a woman tell me “I want YOU to com please e inside ,me””. And she was 49 and 50 she was absolutely fine as hell I thought she was my version of the most prettiest girl on earth. One time she was like well I think you want to die!!,, . ----$------ I said yes I would not want to disappoint you yes I’m trying to KILL myself as fast as possibleo

[@conqururfear]

People she was so goddam. Fine

[@tiffanysauce2234]

Omg so true. You either eat like crap or not at all.

[@Prisy087]

The more you engaged with a narcissist the more trait you pick up and end up thinking something’s wrong with you .... yup while they are gone and still managed to tell you it is all your fault

[@briana14333]

Yesssss! I remember breaking down to my mom because I couldn't figure out what was wrong. I was always sad. I literally felt CRAZY and more anxious than the first day of high school! These are not normal, healthy feelings to have in a relationship of any kind.

[@GalickGon]

Exactly how I felt

[@cantoon833]

I was in a relationship with a CN for almost 5 years. About 2 years in I remember thinking “I hate my life” and not just once a lot and all the time.

[@CommonEgo]

It was 5 years on and off for me too (between discards and hoovers). It ends up feeling like a trap, doesn't it? 😔

[@randomsasquatchwithwifi4090]

Me too...so sad.

[@cantoon833]

Right, sometimes you have to break your own heart to save your soul. I never want to go through that ever again.

[@Ashbyee]

Omg. Me too. On the outside it looked like I had everything. I kept beating myself up - thinking I was so ungrateful. I was married to a monster.

[@uknpdsurvivor660]

@@Ashbyee I was married for 7 years, together for longer. It always gets worse but the start of our relationship was soul mate stuff. I remember thinking he might be pretending to like everything I did..but thought that would be "too weird" and not normal. Little did I know it was him manipulating me. In my case he had a strategy to marry so that finances were shared. Once he achieved that the mask slipped. I then spent years trying to figure out why he wasn't who he had pretended to be. I didn't learn about Covert Narcissism until his behaviour really escalated in the divorce. I wish I knew years ago.

[@svetik1587]

I think that you feel lots of negativity (negative energy) while being in relationship with narcissist!

[@briana14333]

I did. Near the end, it was all bad. Anxiety, sleeplessness, worry, stress, irritability, sadness. I couldn't even speak without crying. What a hellhole!

[@jcherry664]

What would happend if every narcissist in the world was to experience a spiritual awakening? Big Changes! For sure! I wish this for the world. 👍😏

[@CommonEgo]

We can hope 🙏❤

[@jcherry664]

@Nyree Harris no kidding

[@waynemx]

It's happening as we're all narcissists and empaths to some extent. Both sides of the same coin: persona which is root is pain. Empathy is within all of us, it's just really tempered with and fully clouded in the narcissist because of extreme damage they endured whenever the pain/trauma happened. I am recovering right now from one hell of a journey with a covert narcissist, I know deep in my heart (maybe it's still trauma bonding) that she's just wounded and will heal someday and do hope because pain just creates more pain. What I do say to myself that it's over and I can feel the new self emerging every single day. One thing I didn't find so far how men don't report this and might consider writing and vlogging about what men experience. Let's see

[@fiscalgirl]

Nope, my covert p/a husband had a few "spiritual awakenings." The reality is, as soon as things get really stressful for them, or really successful, the narc comes out and the whole time he's been demonizing you and playing the victim "good guy" and will find any excuse to brutally discard you. Like you never imagined possible.

[@jaeggerhead]

@@fiscalgirl It makes them even worse. A "spiritual awakening" or glimpses there of, whether through meditation or psychedelics, gives them a huge boost in a false sense of entitlement or illusions of grandeur. Adding spirituality to their identity as if it was something you can collect and put on your shelf for everyone to see lol. Look up "spiritual" channels on youtube, 99% are narcissists.

[@koreenalaw8644]

Great video!! I went through all of this.. the games.. the doubting myself . .. feeling insecure with things that just seemed so off.. I wished that i have listened to my intuition.. but im glad to be 5 months no contact .. thanks to this comunity!! Im getting stronger and wiser everyday :)

[@CommonEgo]

So glad to hear that, Koreena!

[@iniubongnkanga9390]

I feel Narcissism is brought on by trauma and a need for control. I think that demons are looking for an open door to enter and control people and using trauma affords an opportunity for them, thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my partner's phone, all i did was to share her phone number with (geniustracker) without touching her phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact him to help he is a genius. You can reach him on WhatsApp [phone] and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) thank me later...

[@futureshocked]

Oh wow, the autism part hits home really hard...for me. What I've realized is that I have avoidant personality that can morph into covert narcissism sometimes. It's been a long process but it's something I'm slowly "awaking" from. I can tell you from the outside in that it's like waking up from a fog, or a coma, when you start accepting and truly learning what emotions are and THAT THEY'RE OK TO HAVE. The harsher truth is that it took being with someone EXACTLY LIKE ME (but an extrovert) to snap me the fuck out of it.

[@carolinelaronda4523]

I’ve never wanted to physically hurt someone more than I have wanted to physically hurt my current husband. I also thought my husband was high functioning autistic too ! First video I watched to touch on this !

[@wolfganga982]

I thought mine had a brain tumor, because his behaviour started getting worse and worse. At the time, I didn't know anything about Narcissism, but I knew that something big and important was going on inside of his brain...

[@mweusimrembo890]

😂😂😂😂😂😂

[@katemcl1124]

Mine used to say "I've got a lot going on in my head right now. I know you don't understand but it is what it is". He also said "I don't understand what's going on, I need to compartmentalise my head".

[@Lily59265]

@@katemcl1124 I can't help but laugh. 😂😂😂😂 I have learned to laugh at these crazy making phenomenons. We probably can start a stand up comedy event & really get paid off of all the crazy making experiences that occurred over our lifetimes.

[@malgorzatawitkowska7130]

Big sign is their lack of self criticism and self reflection. They are just no-stop damn perfect!!! And they are entitled to react with anger or aggression for any disagreement in this matter!!! Pay attention and bow!!!

[@Alpinewild444]

Malgorzata Witkowska 🤢🤮so true and never EVER again

[@fahdsheikh101]

These creatures are all same. OMG

[@CommonEgo]

In so many ways, yes 😔

[@meaculpa22]

The spirit of Jezebel... that's why...

[@stephenchute4276]

Wow..you nailed it....I can relate to every single one of those thoughts. Its stunningly accurate..at times I wish I could show these vids to my ex for some crazy sense of validation..but what's the point. They dont apologize or ever change. This is who they are. Stephen Chute

[@CommonEgo]

I'm pretty sure I had those thoughts when I was going through it too. It's so not worth your time. ❤🙏

[@LG-vh2gs]

It’s like narrating my story over the 13 months relationship with the Narc Ex. Very very accurate 💯

[@CommonEgo]

Thank you 🙏

[@iniubongnkanga9390]

I feel Narcissism is brought on by trauma and a need for control. I think that demons are looking for an open door to enter and control people and using trauma affords an opportunity for them, thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my partner's phone, all i did was to share her phone number with (geniustracker) without touching her phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact him to help he is a genius. You can reach him on WhatsApp [phone] and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) thank me later...

[@christoole1488]

Also when the penny drops or the light gets turned on. The reason why they act so inconsistent and hurtful all makes sense. This is so refreshing and a sense of "it's not me"!! Getting to the point of knowing that you can't help them is the key.👍

[@lisamichelle8413]

The biggest red flag 🚩 that I missed was during the time online before we actually met up .. he said as trying to force me (manipulate) me into meeting him sooner by refusing to go to work by saying he’s “Just too lovesick” .. Just not normal behaviour by a 55 year old man lol ... huge red flag 🚩 that ignored to my own peril 🙄😬

[@frisbeeshawn5356]

So I felt she was wounded a bit when we first met however I was also optimistic and felt like others need good vibrations experiences as well. But as time went on the immature mood swings and playing victim quite often was rather unstable. I should of stayed platonic spirtual friends. But the love bombing was intense felt great. Was only in relationship for a few months then universe made correction. My ego wants to be angry resentful but I'm going to go with compassion prayer for her to improve in future along with a healthy boundary. I chose to play 2. Is what it is.

[@briana14333]

This describes me in my short-lived relationshit. I am going to utilize your outlook and exclude anger and resentment from my healing. Thank you!

[@lucyelander298]

I experienced a false sense of security, but then was let down when he didn't follow through on agreements, then couldn't see my perspective on the situations.

[@randomsasquatchwithwifi4090]

Wow....yes....its crazy...i found that i could never become fully relaxed to get a good sleep next to a narc....breathing is off...body just doesnt feel safe...thats just one of those weird things. Another interesting topic about narcissism is the connection to food and how they manipulate with food. Thats not talked about much...but when i ask around...a surprising number of victims report issues with the narc and food. By that i mean the narc controlling your food intake. .or even controlling the funds you are allowed to use on food costs with most of it being allocated for the narcs diet.

[@artgirl7480]

Kimberly Galanti Yes! After marriage, he counted how much others ate... such as helpings of food or how many cookies, etc. He would talk about it later when we got home. I thought why would the food others ate be an interesting topic of conversation for him?? Red Flag! But I was already married to him. :0(

[@iniubongnkanga9390]

I feel Narcissism is brought on by trauma and a need for control. I think that demons are looking for an open door to enter and control people and using trauma affords an opportunity for them, thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my partner's phone, all i did was to share her phone number with (geniustracker) without touching her phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact him to help he is a genius. You can reach him on WhatsApp [phone] and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) thank me later...

[@gilmourishgilmourish6205]

I gained 10 kg in two years awful! Due to stress being around him

[@Alpinewild444]

Kimberly Galanti oh my gosh yes! he had to comment on everything i ate. i stopped eating certain foods i liked because of the disgusting remarks he would make about the people that ate them. and the sleeping :( :( :( ive never seen that put into words. so so true. everything is off with them. thank you for saying this.

[@briana14333]

What a bunch of FREAKS! Yeeettttt... this information is equally fascinating and horrifying. I'm learning SO much!

[@steffiebeffie3468]

Your 12 points are so right the minute I figured out something was definitely wrong I took my power back. Its been rough but I will not be defeated. Thank you

[@marlenr8691]

I really enjoy the way you explain our trauma! It feels less awful to be able to laugh about this whole ordeal 🙏🏻

[@CommonEgo]

Thank you. I think so too! ❤🙏

[@mweusimrembo890]

😂😂😂😂

[@verseharmony2914]

Oh and before I head out. Mine was always the manufactured conflict lol Even knowing it made me cry hardcore

[@Lily59265]

Verse Harmony I pray you removed yourself from that situation. Wow, that sounds like they triggered & continuous reopening of an unhealed an inner child wound like rejection or abandonment or not being heard

[@verseharmony2914]

T Will I gave that power taking a risk in investing in a solid foundation -included blueprint- and yes I removed myself. Thank you very much

[@fifik3136]

When you said the last warning sign of thinking "does this person have high functioning autism"....I laughed because this was the exact conversation I had with a girlfriend about my ex. but covert abuse is definitely no laughing matter - I was so damaged by the end of the relationship. just a husk - i was emotionally, mentally, physically and psychologically exhausted. each and every warning sign was there for me but i had no idea at the time. I did believe it was me.

[@jackgoodings]

I thought "does she have multiple personalities, shes a different person all the time". And I thought it so strange and heartbreaking that a bond never formed, that after each breakup it seemed a totally different relationship, not building on previous times together. And I'd tell my friend things that were happening, asking him if it were normal, and he would say "she needs to put a mirror up to her because what shes accusing you of doing is actually her, and shes in denial " and good friends, old people, respectable, would tell me she has a problem, that's just not right

[@Alpinewild444]

Jack Goodings it is so heartbreaking and hard to understand. i’m sorry this happened to you. my ex convinced my friends and some family that he is the victim so i didn’t have that experience. that’s been as difficult as the abuse and discard. but he will always have to live with himself, and now i’m free.

[@mrhollandsopus418]

Someone who whatever you say, I don't care what will ALWAYS take another thought. Another thing is whenever they are sick or hurt themselves its always worse than anyone can imagine. But if you burn or hurt yoursels, its always it'll get better, dont think about it.

[@StandupGirl-ym3ey]

OMG!!!!!All this came VERY early on in the relationship!! I never thought it was me! He came across as very insecure and hurt and crazy making and Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde! He have me anxiety after dealing with him and I knew my body was telling me something wasn't right!!! And he was a very negative person! How do you wake up in a bad mood?? Like I can't imagine the Hell they live in!!!!

[@CommonEgo]

I wouldn't wish it upon anyone... but I guess it's all they know 😔 Dr. Jeckyll and mr. Hyde is a great addition. That's a very common thought! My ex narc even used the phrase to describe himself (during a hoover when he was trying to be nice) 🙈

[@heidiyoung1508]

Common Ego, I’ve straight up described his behavior to him as being like Jekyll and Hyde. He just shrugged, unconcerned, and said “well then, I guess I’m just both”. It’s like he knows his behavior is confusing and crazy making but just doesn’t care. He might even be a bit proud of it.

[@agnesstrzykowska4300]

Back then, I named the thing " acquired helplessness" ...it didn't matter if I did something or not, it was always wrong.

[@Alpinewild444]

my husband did all the things you said, plus he had deep anger, rage, and punished me with silent treatment. his lying. his cheating for 20 years. i was always wrong (according to him) i was invisible in the marriage. feeling unworthy of love. i needed to know i wasn’t crazy. signs began in the early days of our relationship. i just didn’t know then what i do now. how if i only i had learned to love myself i could have saved myself and my children a world of fear hurt and pain.

[@Lily59265]

wildflower Pls don't blame yourself. Most likely it is what you either witnessed or taught, so you can only make decisions based on the current knowledge & experiences. I'm glad you are breaking the cycle that probably have been manifesting in your family for many many generations. Now, we know & can't unknow what we know, so now can make better choices & educate others who desire to improve their own lives.

[@naguasoliman-kross3271]

I was in a similar relationship for 26 years and only started to realise in the last 4 years when I began to reflect and seek help. My life was constant instability and chaos - no space to think and reflect- literally in survival mode. It’s not your fault, it is completely normal to not see it when you’re in it.

[@Alpinewild444]

@@naguasoliman-kross3271 God bless you, & thank you. The only good to come of this is now we know and will never accept this kind of behavior ever again. Take good care🙏🏻❤️

[@leilah6590]

Was in a relationship with one for nearly 6 months, knew him for over 8. Many of these characteristics hit the nail on the head. Been out of it for 3 weeks, recovery is hard and my heart goes out to all those that were (or are still) with one for any amount of time. I only left because I had parents and a support team in the end when I finally opened up about all that was wrong. I was often terrified to tell anyone about what went on because I knew it would change how they viewed him and I wasn't yet ready to leave. I've been watching these videos on this channel for weeks now, and they are helping an extreme amount. Thank you. My family was sick back in March for 5 weeks and during that time it was ALWAYS about him, and if it wasn't, he'd fake the empathy. I could talk about the sickness for a max of a couple of minutes and he'd change the subject. In fact I spent most of that time catering to his moody, child-like sulking. It was sad and every time there was any sort of argument he'd sulk. Like ignore me for the next few minutes (or more) until I kept asking what was up and he'd be like "I'm so sorry I hurt you, I didn't mean to, I'm so mad at myself now" etc. He'd proceed to do the same thing over. and over. Then there were little comments he'd make about how I looked physically, then when I'd ask him not to do it again, he would and he'd make the whole situation about him. It was sickening, it was like I was taking care of a 4 year old. The high-functioning autism is something I was thinking of for a while too. It's comforting to know I'm not the only person who has had these similar scenarios (I wouldn't wish it upon anyone else though). It is possible to get out of it and to recover, we're all on our road to that. I wasn't perfect in the relationship and have my bundle of things that I need to work on , but it's time to redirect my energy back to myself to heal and to family/friends. People that are supportive and kind. I am determined to sort things out in my life before stepping back into the relationship field.

[@tealemon4693]

You don't know how thankful I am for what you have taught me! I was so confused my whole marriage as to why my mentioning socks on the floor to my husband would send him off into a rant about how I've called him a jerk and any other bad name. it didn't make sense until I realized what a covert narcissist does. He played the victim the poor misunderstood husband and my family bought right into that and that hurt more than anything

[@boyemijasmin620]

Thanks christiana you really saved my life. I watched all your videos one night till morning,during the trauma bond after break up.my recovery was super fast, by dawn of that day I was laughing and feeling sorry for my nex because i understood everything.your videos are so relatable and easy to understand .one month now no contact changed all my numbers I don’t even feel terrible anymore.I feel happy and free, God bless you christiana ❤️

[@Ashbyee]

Number 12. I was in a remarriage. My twins are on the spectrum - very high functioning and I kept wondering if my husband, their step father, was as well. The difference: my twins have a lot of empathy. They have very heartfelt feelings and show love. Maybe not like a neurotypical person- but they have compassion and empathy. There was a dark pool of emptiness that my ex husband had. It was scary and I could not put my finger on it. Great video!

[@CommonEgo]

Thanks for your insight! That makes a lot of sense ❤🙏

[@jody5328]

My experience was/is is this person ever telling the truth? like, ever? Even though he was my boyfriend, he never shared anything with me, nothing about work, his family, his interests, nothing. He also never asked anything about me. Also, I stopped wanting to share any good news with him. I remember when that switch happened, realizing this person can't ever be happy for me, for any reason.

[@jsuberu]

Thus was my ex too. Very secretive and a lot of lies even about flimsy stuff.

[@MGlow19]

When you said #11 lack of empathy, maybe you’re needing a hug and they can’t be bothered - I ended my relationship because I asked for a quick back rub for a knot in my neck and he exploded on me that he couldn’t be bothered, he plain old didn’t want to, etc and actually left my house. That was the line in the sand for me a crazy reaction over nothing. I got out fast but I still struggle did I overreact, was it me, many of what you listed here. I just need someone to validate that I was accurate in my reading of this. He didn’t even try to Hoover he just disappeared

[@iniubongnkanga9390]

I feel Narcissism is brought on by trauma and a need for control. I think that demons are looking for an open door to enter and control people and using trauma affords an opportunity for them, thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my partner's phone, all i did was to share her phone number with (geniustracker) without touching her phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact him to help he is a genius. You can reach him on WhatsApp [phone] and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) thank me later...

[@MGlow19]

To add - when I asked why he loved me giving him a chance to “save himself” he got annoyed and was like “what you want me to go through everyday of our relationship?” And an earlier time when I asked he said “bc you don’t give up on me” - probably bc I’m loyal to a flaw and he knew I would accept his bad behavior

[@viviangriggs1251]

I can relate to your comments. That’s exactly what happened to me. I asked my boyfriend would it be so bad if he came in and gave me a hug. He exploded and said to me If you don’t like the way I’m treating you, I’m leaving. I replied Fine. He got up and left. That’s when I decided to pull the plug! Toughest decisionI ever made but glad I was brave enough to follow through after all he put me through.

[@RaffisTube]

I thought the lack of empathy was because the attention always needed to be diverted back to them, for example, if I had a migraine (most likely caused by her), then she had a migraine as well but hers was worse. She always seemed to have the same physical pain I was experiencing, at the same time. What threw me off, 6 months after the relationship ended, she admitted to doing horrible things and when I asked why, her response, "I don't think I had empathy".

[@katherinequinn8443]

it has honestly been a little unsettling listening to a lot of your videos! I think you know my husband. I never knew what a narcissist was. I thought "gaslighter" was a song, never had a clue what it meant. Here comes "Common Ego" 101. After 14 painful years of marriage I finally got the courage to say "ENOUGH OF THIS BS!! I wont lie, this really has been an awakening, terrifying, insightful and painful. I have been able to relate to a disturbing number of your video including Trauma Bond. Thank you for posting all your videos, I tried for years to convince myself that he does not know what he is doing, I see things a little differently now. I was even teetering on the edge of going back to him......until you opened my eyes to what I knew was right in front of me. I really do owe you my life!!!!! I WAS BLEEDING OUT!!!!! I know it is going to be hard but now I need to start the healing process. Thank you Christina .

[@oliviadart612]

I am so happy I got out of this relationship already. It was on and off but this time I feel 100% free

[@CS-iv8tk]

Excellent! Only the ones that are in tangled truly understand this. Great video, especially for the victims that are in the fog.

[@CommonEgo]

Thank you! ❤

[@gilmourishgilmourish6205]

C S soooo true !!! Nobody gets it!!

[@dazhatz]

I've noticed that these villains play the victim so well. My ex narc would leave constantly or threaten to .. over anything. She would future fake, blameshift, use silent treatment, gaslight, triangulate and run smear campaigns... She was controlling and manipulative. I was happy before I met her and now I feel absolutely wounded even though I should be utterly glad she's gone. Trauma bonding is vicious!.. it's funny too how it's the narc who has you believing YOU are the problem when it's clearly just them driving you to madness.

[@liesbethdevries4986]

Why is he so filled with weird anxiety? Why does he tell me that he is afraid of rejection? Why is he so child like exited to see me again? Why does he make me feel that I have to apologize for nothing? Why does he talk bad about his mother? The first questions I asked myself in the first week being with him and still remember after 15 years. I am narc free for almost 4 years now.

[@meimei3500]

Omg same!!!

[@Lily59265]

Liesbeth de Vries Congratulations, that is an impressive feat. Keep up the great work. 🌞

[@tamarayoung2534]

It felt like he was taking inventory of what I like and don't like and not doing what I liked but doing more of what I didn't like. I complained to him about a friend who claimed to not hear common words in conversation so she'd repeat the weird word she said to have heard really loud and laugh and carry on about how funny it was that she misunderstood you (strange trait). So I literally called him from my Mother's death bed and he started to do that. We broke up right after she passed. Real tragedy whipped me out of codependency and caring about manufactured drama and his lack of empathy regarding her passing.

[@CommonEgo]

I can definitely understand how that put things into perspective for you ❤ Their lack of empathy is incredibly hurtful and sometimes even just plain weird.

[@iniubongnkanga9390]

I feel Narcissism is brought on by trauma and a need for control. I think that demons are looking for an open door to enter and control people and using trauma affords an opportunity for them, thank God for my friend who referred me to an hacker and i was able to hack my partner's phone, all i did was to share her phone number with (geniustracker) without touching her phone and see all the proofs i needed for a divorce and even terrible things they had planned contact him to help he is a genius. You can reach him on WhatsApp [phone] and also write to Via Gmail (geniustracker701) thank me later...

[@tamarayoung2534]

Bert S. Pitts Thank you, as of now, I’m Narc free in my life 😌

[@gilmourishgilmourish6205]

True. They don’t want to do things you like to do but more what they want to do. I reversed that and than never did what he wanted and I did what I wanted. I said to him once” can we go and visit another town like once a month ? “That doesn’t interests me ,you can do that with your daughter” he said. When I left and the ex moved in, he bought her a Mercedes and went every weekend away just to hurt me.

[@sixinchhiheels]

@@iniubongnkanga9390 I have read the same comment from others on related posts. I am curious, Bert, do you get paid for writing this comment? I am on the fence with this one. Wouldn't it have been easier if you saved your money and just walked away? So eh, yea, not really sure if I would give thanks to you here. Tell me more about your situation. :D

[@Cowface]

A few I’d like to add: First, you wonder “am I the narcissist? Am I the abuser?” Due to the constant blame shifting and gaslighting. That and they do present as so vulnerable and pathetic that you feel like a terrible person for thinking their motives aren’t pure and innocent. So, you think, “maybe they’re right, maybe it is all my fault, maybe I’m the abuser” Also you have those deep heartfelt conversations you had while dating, but eventually you realize that the emotional support only goes one way. They seem to care about your only feelings when it affects them, otherwise it’s just dismissed, downplayed. Like “ugh are you really upset about that?” Meanwhile “oh woe is me, everybody hates me, I’m a terrible person, I can’t do anything right, feel sorry for me, validate me, reassure me, boost me up” Also, the sense that you don’t know what love is was a sign for me. You don’t see the point. Like you spend enough time experiencing transactional love, being manipulated into giving emotional support, you begin to think all relationships are that way and you’re like “I’m confused, why would anybody sign up for this intentionally?” Oh and I don’t remember if you mentioned this but if they’re judgmental and constantly criticizing everyone around them. The chilling realization I had, is after hearing them describe themselves as empaths for years, then you learn the difference between cognitive empathy and emotional empathy, and realize that they have cognitive empathy only. That for me, was the last puzzle piece, when it all came together.

[@sudhamukhia9860]

I am married to one for 24 years and I feel like this day in and day out!

[@Ana_DayTmian]

Very often, when we were trying to have an "us" moment (whether on a date, on a vacation, a road trip etc), I'd get a feeling that something was off, as if he wasn't really present or didn't want to be there. As a result, I'd start pondering over problems we had and, more often than not, end up starting an argument. Back then, I was sure it was me trying to sabotage the relationship (and most probably, to some degree, it was). It was surely the WRONG time to start an argument, but now when I think about it, it seems only natural to start worrying about what's wrong with your relationship when the other person is withholding real connection and looking as if they're only pretending not to be bored in a moment that should be about the two of you sharing a beautiful experience.

[@marlenehaigler6603]

Wow, that was it right there. I hate drama clearly projecting that. Oh my gosh thank you

[@Kafka02]

Yes about autism!!! That's what made me stay with a covert for 3 yrs after going through hell with a grandiose for 5. Thank you, Cristina!

[@tiffanysauce2234]

Thank you for making this. ❤️ I have been searching to explain what’s I have been through. No one else has been able to do this. I cried when everything matched to a T with my husband. You really do think it will get better but than you see the patterns and try to get them to stop. They don’t because the lack of empathy. The constant verbal sneak attacks, denial, and love bombing. You try not to engage and tell them nicely to stop. Than full blown arguments and constant stress and anxiety. When you have babies with someone like this is so hard to leave. Mine even neglects his kids than love bombs them like they are so important to him. The kids only trust me because they know his crazy mood swings and roller coaster neglect and love.

[@crshia]

OMG - I have always thought narcissism was on the autism scale! So glad to hear this, it does help. This list was very good.

[@kittyloveenjoy]

I think this hit the nail on the head for me. I would add tone of voice, snotty and sarcastic.

[@scottreagan9038]

So....I'm currently in the investigative phase of my relationship. I have found out she has been borrowing money from her ex, the entire time we have been married (6yrs)! Drama....Hoovering her ex....Wanting to spend ONLY my money....Controlling all facets of my life and her children....A week after we were married, she sat me down on the couch and started bawling telling me she had run up a debt tied into her daughters college loan, roughly 200k! Seriously, I thought I was smarter than this!!! Trying to figure out my next move, If those weren't signs, I don't know what were....Thank you for your videos, they give my confidence to start my walk to the light!

[@Life78775]

Yes my ex's famous words I hate drama, but miraculously drama was always common.

[@victoriaalbastra6325]

There was something very weird about my last narc. His face kept changing. He looked like different people. His features were changing. I have never experienced this before. Even in Fotos taken on different days he looked like different people. Sometimes he looked 10 years older. Then young again. I don't know what to make of it. Maybe he had multiple demons inside.

[@GalickGon]

I also thought this of my ex Gf somehow. Yes I understand make up can change it too, but there were very similar situations. Photos I have on my phone I took of her where the faces look so much different even with similar makeup.

[@helenmcclay2622]

And different coloured eyes... weird. I thought brown from pics, but actually peircing blue in real life.

[@amandachalaire2745]

I’m really lucky- it only took me eight months to figure it out and I moved out completely the day after I discovered another (huge) lie. He tried to blame shift in two different ways. Fortunately, I have a strong sense of self and always knew he was being absurd. They really do have the emotional intelligence of an child. Logic either checks out or doesn’t. Healing thoughts to anyone dealing with this currently, or dealing with the aftermath. It will never really make sense- just focus on being proud you got out and gratitude that you get to go back to being you afterwards. You never have to return to the dark world they live in ❤️

[@tiffanysauce2234]

I wish I would have left and stayed gone but he stopped drinking and I didn’t see it was really his personality not the drugs. 😢

[@porshalynn1733]

My husband had done everything you mentioned throughout our marriage

[@esmcl]

This explains to a tee my lived experience! Particularly the diminishing part, which eventually made me feel emotionally unsafe when in her company. I feared for a long time that it was me. When I started to catch on that something wasn’t right, but that it might not be entirely me, I tried to detach my emotions and observe what was going on. When I realised what was actually happening I eventually ended the relationship. Some behaviours I experienced in addition to those you mention where a continual and relentless victimhood, a martyrdom thing going on, constant assertion that she was a “strong woman”, triangulation with her ex, and very poor financial management (whilst constant complaining about having no money), and rages that seemed to come from nowhere. After about 4 years of this madness, I’ve come away feeling used, but relieved that I’m free.

[@cmurphy1956]

I have just come out of a relationship with someone that ticks most of these statements and I can say with complete honesty, my head is completely destroyed by it. The worst part of it is that everything he accused me of being and completely convincing me of it too, he genuinely believes it. I believe there’s huge insecurities that’s intertwined with this. It’s absolutely devastating and I am still going over arguments that we had 7 years ago and trying to make sense of it all. I’m still questioning my own reality! It’s the most confusing experience and hurtful experience I have ever had.

[@rocketpsyence]

That thing about being criticized for the smallest things ever oh my god. I let so many things slide that should have been red flags. Like he would literally start an argument and question my skills as a cook (despite the fact that I cook like ALL the time) and put me on the defense like I was in a damn court of law over the suggestion of a spice choice.... My mom was way worse about this though. It was really depressing. I would go out of my way to cook for the family when I'd come back on the weekends (from my home in another city, because I felt guilty having my free time to myself...I say "go out of my way" because it's not like it was a required chore. I didn't even live there and I had my own place and income. I was even helping them pay for certain things. And I frequently went back out of fear and guilt....Not really because I wanted to), but she would always have something critical to say about my food, even if everyone else liked it, and no matter HOW i responded it would ALWAYS accelerate into yelling. And if she couldn't criticize the food, it was anything else. The way I was sitting, the way I had my papers arranged I was working on, the fact that I didn't dry the counter enough after doing dishes too like...Anything was enough and it would ALWAYS end badly. I remember feeling depressed and sick all the time because no matter what I did it was never enough to escape. I remember thinking to myself when we were getting along that "it's not a matter of if it'll happen again, but when.....i have to stay one step ahead and figure out where i'll f*ck up next." And of course I never could. No matter what I did. Always. There would always be one thing I overlooked, even if it was something she'd never mentioned before in my life. It used to stress me out so much. I remember for a few years I kind of just shut down. And that stuff wasn't even the bad stuff. That was just every day life growing up and going back later for visits I felt like I owed her. I'm so much happier now that my time is mine and I don't have to worry about what will happen if I miss a spot in my own kitchen!

[@tiffanysauce2234]

My husband is like you Mom and ex. It’s like you are the criminal on trial and you can’t ever relax because you know it coming but don’t know when. I also shut down and just go stay in my kids room. I am ready to get away from his insanity. Happy you see free.

[@amberbunz5444]

My ex did a lot of gaslighting and denying my reality. Turning around the conversations often... I asked him if he had been sleeping with someone else due to multiple red flags during a heated conversation after we'd been together for over a year and I had a gut feeling. He literally looked at me and said "who would I have been sleeping with?" and proceeded to cry. I had asked if it was his "ex" which he denied adamantly. Eight months of discarding and whirlwind hell later and then he finally admitted having affair with her after I left the relationship and went no contact for 45 days. I was so in disbelief and validated all at once the feeling was immensely overwhelming.

[@trkr49ncsthbound83]

The draining I experienced was I could ever do anything to make her happy 👁 She bypassed my strengths and fortitude. My value. But that's okay .. Today I'm doing well and doing ME !

[@LauraHernandez-nx6rw]

The narc always made plans for travel because I enjoy adventure travel so much. We were in another country having a great couple days. On the 3rd night he said, "I love you" which I was not ready to reciprocate. The next morning he seemed awkward but we continued on our adventure only to have him blow up on me and out of nowhere said, he didn't want this to be a romantic trip. I was floored by his behavior. We were hiking on a 30 day trip he had been planning for months and just like that he went from loving to a drama tantrum. I had a blister on my foot that was bothering me so I asked him to just keep on hiking and I would catch up because I felt we both needed a bit of separation to think about what just happened. He kept hiking completely out of sight. He then messaged me with the directions to the hostel he ended up on but I kept hiking to the next town. I told him we should think about things and meet up the next day to discuss. He then basically ditched me in another country. I continued my amazing adventure solo and finished it without him.

[@liepa7768]

This video is so good. First he acused me of manipulations, lies and emotional abuse. Then he was "always right", he was even saying it daily to my face. I was, of course "extremely jealuos, suspicious and controlling". And many many more red flags, that I cannot understand still how I felt for all of it.

[@lisei.2983]

Yup, my ex was definitely one. Thanks for this content !

[@SheaBaby81]

Sis!!!! You are so on point about all of this. But the part about hating drama!!! Spot on! I have heard he I hate drama line so many times but as you said it somehow was always present with this one! Thanks for the validation!

[@tonyconnor5691]

They love the drama they need it constantly, they create it on purpose

[@jeffcauthen6434]

Wow! Every box checked. Another confirmation!

[@dawnacoxon3111]

The validation my reality receives or the objectivity that is borrowed from your freaking amazing insight is beyond appreciated! Thank you thank you thank you

[@randomsasquatchwithwifi4090]

I love that you brought up the asd reference...i have 2 kids with asd whose father is narc...big difference when one has intimate experience with both.

[@CommonEgo]

I can definitely see how that would be true ❤🙏

[@victoriac.attorneyatlaw]

FRUSTRATING pretty much sums it up. I want to be done with the lingering effects of the discard and the trauma bond-PS you pretty much described the narcs in my FOO and my ex-bf. Well done!

[@CommonEgo]

Thank you! Focus on YOU as much as you can ❤🙏

[@guygutierrez263]

Thank you for the videos and knowledge you share. I thought I was crazy thinking my ex was a narcissist. Tips- how they apologize; they speak condescending to you. It’s hard to detect. Instead of apologizing and you feel like they are apologizing for what the admit to and did they say “ I’m sorry you feel” that’s way or got upset. You say are you sorry, they say “OF Course I’m sorry for...... They can label a schload of way they did for you so that’s how they are to value to you but if you ask why do you love me or why are you with me it’s a generic blanket “bc the things you do or bc you are sweet but no specifics. That might be how my ex “sounded like a child” as the video says. Not really childish just lack of content in a response. No matter how deeply you decide to fight for yourself it doesn’t sink in what they did to hurt you, devalue you etc. I’m fact they double down. I used to help my ex with her jewelry shows, I would make small mistakes and she would get so mad and say I was destroying her business. How she was going pay someone to help her that did what she asked but for my help it was effin free and never any talk of paying me or genuinely doing something back for me like the painting she swore she could do better than me but never did she find a moment in her busy life to give back to me. I still think of the good but I don’t let myself forget and these video are helping with that and to find a solid genuine partner. Thank you.

[@MC-ou1gt]

I've experienced ALL these thoughts and probably more but I haven't formulated them in words yet. The predictability of his behavior makes it easier for me to come up with a master prevention plan. I know many will say it would be easier to abort the ship, but for us it's not. I'm not his victim, I don't have to run! He thought me to love myself, how valuable I am and I call this "master education", so I'm grateful for the lessons. As long as I love and respect myself and I know how and when to administer the anti-narc vaccine, it's a progress 😁 Boundaries, no-self-doubts and firm planning ! Thank you very much for the comprehensive info you're sharing with us!

[@CommonEgo]

I'm glad to hear you're in a good place 🙏❤

[@MC-ou1gt]

Common Ego , I'm not in a good place, but it's better than divorce and let my kids to be emotionally abused 50% of the time. Justice system has been so ofter manipulated by these type of people so I don't want to go in a dirty&long battle. Plus I can teach my kids how to deal with narcissism at first hand, rather than runway! They will have to deal with him and so many other in our society for the rest of their life. Just stop enabling and keep up the shield!

[@CommonEgo]

@@MC-ou1gt I get it completely. When you have kids with a narc and are separated, there's so much unknown. It's a very personal decision and you always have to do what you feel is best ❤

[@countrygirl4213]

Me too,awoke and planning exit.Seen enough no doubts.Have to stay for short term surgery needs,then gone.Actually counting the weeks.I remain possitive for my kids while trying not to turn into a alcoholic lol wish me luck!!!I'm confident still.Thank God.

[@mikelasalle590]

At the beginning she would leave all the time sometimes for weeks anytime we had a argument and an I tried to stand up for myself,, now 20 plus years later I can't get her to leave.

[@Alpinewild444]

Mike LaSalle you deserve better, best of luck to you.

[@katemcl1124]

That's what I got for standing up for myself too. Rage and then the silent treatnent as punishment.

[@SunandSunflowers]

Thought he was quiet,shy but in the back of mind something was off the stuff he talked about never added up. all talk. Disapprearing act. Always had h his phone on him .Lying about small things.

[@micheleb9104]

That Sounds very familiar.

[@salonsavy6476]

Mine never put his phone down ,he was always doing something on it ,, when I would cook supper,, he’d be on his phone instead of talking to me , helping me prepare the meal ,, just attached to that phone and zoned out with me !

[@RachelSings21]

SalonSavy64 mine too! When I complained about it I got “I shouldn’t have to listen to you all the time” and now I’ve left him he’s saying to me “when did you become so needy???”

[@stacyvonglis1001]

I'm trying to figure out if the guy I'm seeing is truly shy/quite or if he's a convert what are some examples of what he would talk about my guy doesn't talk much at all and when I'm talking even just asking him about his day it's like he's doesn't hear me not listening tuned me out at first he was great involved put forth effort he was still shy made me feel wanted now I honestly don't think he wants to be with me even tho he says he does his phone he left laying out wherever till I went threw it and caught him cheating I only started cuz I was like well we never actually said we was exclusive he did admit to cheating but he reason was cuz I made jokes actually jokes not accusing about his other girls and he lies about everything small stuff that doesn't matter told me he was talking to anyone when we met after I told him I was talking to someone else than stopped cuz I was more interested in him found out that was a lie he actually was I believe he stopped when we started only cuz of the message I seen he's never put me down he doesn't start fights haven't really seen him angry I'm just confused idk if he's a convert or if it's something else going on trying to figure it out cuz if it's convert I'm leaving I dated another a few years ago he was a narcissist not doing that again

[@deak1deak1]

On our 2nd date on our 1st kiss he put his tongue down my throat! I never really enjoyed kissing together because it seemed devoid of feeling but couldn't quite understand why . He told me early on he had been told he was a good kisser

[@natashasays]

Omg me too!!!!

[@ashleyalexxis3442]

Barbara-Ann Deakin mine too !! (Ex) used to literally cover my whole mouth and nose with his mouth 🤦🏾‍♀️ like whyyyy

[@Infinitybein]

Omg...this happened to me. Our (his) first kiss. Caught me of guard. I'm like wtf you just clobbered all over me. Then he's like dismissive like something was wrong with me for rejected a perfectly good kiss. In reality shit was a spit first in my mouth. Yuck👅

[@Lily59265]

Barbara-Ann Deakin That just made my skin crawl hearing someone gave you that type of experience

[@briana14333]

all these commonalities are freaks me OUT! Wow.

[@izawaniek2568]

Yes, I know them all. Incredible. Thank you.