7 core emotional needs

[@Agra586]

I like that you made such a clear list. I spent over a decade in therapy, and I've had to discover each one of these separately

[@TeacherMom80]

1. A need of belonging. Having a purpose, a sense of meaning, a supportive community. 2. Safety so we can be our authentic selves without feeling harshly judged. 3. Decompression. Privacy, time & space to be quiet, destress, etc. 4. Autonomy. Having a say in our own lives. Need time & slace to make our own choices. 5. Emotional intimacy. The sense of being known by soneone else. Having someone else who is attune to us & who values how we think & feel. 6. Challenge & growth. The need for personal growth via challenges. 7. Self connection.

[@TimothySmith73]

Ohhh the teacher in you is strong. So is the listener. @ Have a wonderful day.

[@alex-ander-13]

Thank you!

[@Star-dj1kw]

Thank you

[@TeacherMom80]

@@TimothySmith73 Thank you, Mr. Timothy Smith! I love your comment. 😆 I figured, if I'm taking notes for myself, I might as well share, if it could possibly benefit others with hands full. Of course, there is a wonderful chart in the video, but not everyone gets to watch as they listen, so glad my little list helped somebody. God Bless. Take care of you & yours! Thanks for making me smile! 😁 💕🙏🏼🕊️

[@TimothySmith73]

@@TeacherMom80 You are welcome!! :)

[@paulaleiva13]

I don’t feel belonging, safety, decompression, intimacy, and self-connection. I feel so much frustration and resentment. So depressed.

[@ravenraven966]

Paula,,, I relate to you...

[@Eshrimpski]

Same

[@Healingisliving]

Same

[@MC-vd5kp]

Same. A lot related to a horrible childhood. So damaging as an adult.

[@labron1563]

I see you all, you are seen and you are needed in this world. You are loved 💙

[@PaigeLaverty]

Your explanations are giving me all the same feels as my 10th grade math teacher….relief bc someone understands. The way you present complex concepts makes the information and your insight strikingly easy to comprehend. Thank you

[@isabellairwin4608]

I feel like I’m a robot learning to human again

[@TheRealMonnie]

That's a great way to put it! Depersonalization and derealization had controlled me for decades. I'm learning to human again 😁

[@saltandpepperandmint]

Yes!!! Exactly! I am so unnatural when I’m around people I’m cringing so bad

[@thevaytodaytarot662]

amen to that

[@Regionia]

Saaaame

[@ethereal946]

Autonomy has been a need I really struggle with, I grew up in a fundie household and so little about a person is left for them to decide and there’s a lot of tension when you grow differently than expected. I don’t know how I’m even going to build a life for myself I feel like the recipe for a perfect mess of a human

[@ousontmeslunettes9891]

I could have written your exact words.

[@lynncarter5225]

What is a fundie household? Please explain.

[@fbbWaddell]

I like that you explained safety. I've never had that before.

[@istrala]

I feel like I'm doing pretty well with meet needs. The one that stands out is safety. I have a partner and friends who are able to give me that space to show up just as i am, but i think it's hard for me to trust it because i didn't have that in my family life growing up (and still don't.) I have to just keep showing up and allow myself to be messy so that I can see the acceptance is there. Then I might start to believe it.

[@ryannesumbry4130]

I needed this video I’ve been in AZ for almost a year now and I feel like I’m struggling to belong and find friends I’ve found some in my church but my social life is still lagging behind. I do appreciate that you said it’s normal for not all of our needs to be met 100 percent of the time

[@kimlec3592]

This lady explains in a way which is actually helpful & fact based, a gigantic thank you. !!!

[@doublebanana-de3dt]

Another excellent video. I reflect that Im fortunate enough to have most of my emotional needs are met, Im an introvert who is involved with NGOs and has a lover in a long distance relationship . I hope the other commenters and viewers of this video will be able to get more of their needs met in the near future.

[@illyriarose]

Wow! It looks like you did that all in one take! That's rare. Bravo!

[@lynnelsiebennettnoble6909]

My home was broken into while I was away. I had to so far replace locks twice. Safety ,not feeling it. My neighbor's and I are getting closer because of break ins and the knowledge that police can only do so much. I feel stressed but the robbers can take all the material stuff they want but not while I'm home. Community, I also made friends with my boyfriends x wife. We all like each other, spend holidays together or family dinners. But I have trouble with commitment to boyfriend ( widow of 36 year marriage). This is exciting to work on automonny, self awareness, stress management... Just breathing!¡!

[@Conscious58]

I have none of these. Thank you for this education & validation. I hope & work for a different reality!

[@caligirl4evr1]

Thank you for this video. It's very helpful to have it laid out like this. You are a gift to us survivors.

[@leonieblah8806]

I can't think of anything to challenge me. I know I need something to do but I just can't think of anything I like. Getting older often feels pointless. Being unwell doesn't help much either. I seem to have the others sorted to a basic level even if not optimum. I like the way you simplify things.

[@JLakis]

My dog challenges me to get off my butt!

[@meganboyer5782]

I feel like I'm doing better than I thought. Yeah, belonging and autonomy clash so I can mostly only have one or the other. I belong in my family because I help them meet their needs and was raised that helping your family is supposed to be your purpose (I can recognize that that's not the healthiest thing and ideally it's supposed to go both ways, but it works until I can find another purpose/way to belong). So belonging means I can't have autonomy and vice-versa. I stay up later than everyone else so I can decompress and be safe then. So, I'm meeting those. I'm pretty self-reflective and in therapy so that gives me the challenge and self-connection. And then I have a dog for intimacy. It's not perfect because she's a dog and has limited understanding, but she genuinely cares and isn't too annoyed by my needs. Or at least she'll never choose her wants over my needs, which is more than you can say for pretty much any human, so it works. I honestly expected to see more unmet needs, but it's maybe two. That's reassuring, so thank you. I just need to stop complaining so much and practice more gratitude.

[@attitude4989]

thank you for making this video, please make playlists of your videos because it helps us to find your video according to our test

[@sheilagrant2413]

My heart goes out to all those who have commented. I relate to it all. It does help to know I'm not alone in this situation. How can we connect? That seems to be my biggest obstacle.

[@vaishalivaidya7978]

Thank you for sharing your beautiful and insightful wisdom. Just yesterday I had the similar conversation with someone.

[@fiyepjio6194]

This is such a clear video. Thank you❤

[@Ydiventuregroup]

What emotional need is wanting respect? And which emotional need is wanting appreciation?

[@kiaray00]

That’s dignity

[@TheRealMonnie]

I think maybe it's a part of each.

[@HazelGrey.]

Intimacy

[@brookeprairie1866]

I realize I need something to work towards...I know I crave intimacy too, I don't have a signifigant other!

[@katherines144]

I only had autonomy (way too much) and challenge in childhood. Now I feel like no one even likes me and I belong no where except alone or with my dog

[@rihanhashim4321]

Thank you❤

[@Star-dj1kw]

❤ excellent video

[@_pearl_]

Thank you for this!

[@louieatkins-turkish1349]

I'm really struggling to meet my needs for belonging and intimacy. I frequently feel so lonely. It's like, where tf is everyone? Does nobody else need togetherness? Am I the only one who enjoys the company of other people and makes an effort? And even when I'm with my friends I feel invisible.

[@JLakis]

Probably why I prefer animal friends.

[@Golden_Queen_888]

Is there a video about the solutions ?!

[@jerrypeters1157]

Thank you. Very helpful.

[@dafinaalmaz4307]

I feel that i dont have all of that

[@rakshit_arora01]

What if there is complete neglect and abandonment in childhood and all the mentioned needs in this video are unmet? How to get back to normal?

[@JaneSmith-x4x]

Thank you

[@KayFlowidity]

1:30 👌👌👌

[@Portia620]

Not sure emotional intimacy works as so many people are more likely to not want to understand others.

[@vanshikathakur]

❤

[@adamdouglas9888]

My outlook on money changed when I realized someone making $400K can retire broke & someone making $80K can retire a multi-millionaire. You cannot build wealth without putting money in its rightful place, you have $100K to invest. Where are you investing it?

[@domenez]

You're correct!! I make a lot of money without relying on the government. Investing in stocks and digital currencies is beneficial at this moment .

[@charles2395]

I operate a wide- range of Investments with help from My Financial Adviser. My advice is to get a professional who will help you, plan and enhance your management skills. For the record, working with Stacey Macken, has been an amazing experience.

[@aniniels-hw5iv]

Honestly, I'm surprised that this mrs Stacey Macken is mentioned here, came across a testimony about her from one of the beneficiaries on the CNBC news, she seems to be doing extremely well.

[@AIIG-zd5dx]

You trade with Stacey Macken too? Wow that woman has been a blessing to me and my family.

[@Georgina705]

Waking up every 14th of each month to $210,000 it's a blessing to I and my family... Big gratitude to Stacey Macken

[@simplysunmoon]

I feel like none my needs are met right now 🥹❤️☀️🌙

[@1313sp]

I really wish you were my therapist.

[@verekat1933]

Having learned how to improve emotional intimacy with myself has really helped me in regulating my emotions. Learning to be at peace with myself, ( most of the time, )is worth more than gold and diamonds, to me. ❤

[@TrebizondMusic-cm6fp]

If I can regulate and soothe myself, why should I need intimacy with others?

[@elkekirkpatrick6481]

​@@TrebizondMusic-cm6fpMaybe it has to do with belonging?

[@ojojojojojoje]

@@TrebizondMusic-cm6fp maybe it's along the lines of "if I get stuffed with bread, why should I feel like I need some fruit"? It's still need to eat, but everyone has different foods they need at that moment, and there's even space for preference. Maybe other relationships could add a bit of flavor to something you can supply yourself :)

[@aspiringrootwoman24]

The way my inner voice shockingly responded "emotional needs? We get to have those?" let me know how bad it is over here... Disconnection City

[@rhonnachurch6929]

Yes, that is something ive only recently defined in my life.

[@Jae-by3hf]

I feel frustrated and resentful all the time, as an autistic woman my emotional needs have rarely if ever been met and there is no chance of changing that. I don’t feel belonging, safe, decompression (because god forbid, people control their children and stop abusing them) or intimacy. I feel self connected, autonomous and I challenge myself, but these are all self, the others are external. I can’t control external forces!

[@doricetimko5403]

I admire you because I feel that you know you can control how you respond or if you react to what I call ‘the idiocy’ surrounding all of us. Just know that there’s someone out here that believes in you, that admires you, and sends loving kindness to your spirit. ✌️🫶🏼

[@theshulamite67]

I feel like I'm just broken beyond repair 😢

[@kiaray00]

Hey, at some point I felt like that too! I think every person that goes to severe trauma does, but the work is worth it. Also, I recommend looking for “Kintsugi” which is a japanese art where they repair broken vases. And they turn out to be even more precious than before, YOU WILL TOO! 🩷🫂

[@Ydiventuregroup]

I tried to fill my needs alone as much as allowed

[@nathalieduverna6963]

Give yourself time. Be gentle and go slow, you can be healed if you want ❤

[@nathalieduverna6963]

​@@Ydiventuregroupit's time to find a therapist 🫂🌹

[@paulaleiva13]

I understand

[@krembryle]

Omg I had none of these growing up, maybe except of some challenge. And I wonder why I'm so fucked up.

[@1ajtg]

Wish I'd heard this 40 years ago 😊So important to understand...

[@ThomasJDavis]

Belonging comes from relationships, frequently interacting with people whom we trust and know closely and who know and trust us, also people with whom we can relate to, be it through common interests or life experiences. Belonging can grow stronger over time as well. I would categorize it differently than having a life purpose, which is more self-actualizing.

[@Destassan]

Yes, although after reading Viktor Frankl's works on Logotherapy I can't help but see a strong connection between belonging and self-actualization. He was pointing out that percisely to the extent to which you're focused self-actualizing, percisely to that extent you're unlikely to meet this need. One needs to focus on something greater than himself to get this need met. Frankl was calling that self-transcedence. You need to see yourself as a part of something bigger. You need to belong to something greater and to be aware of that belonging.

[@DanielaRosenrot]

I'm isolated most of the time because I have MCS (neurotoxic chemicals are everywhere when I go outside - car fuel smoke/gas, smoker, perfume in the stores and also outside). I love alone time as an infj and my interests and hobbies are too unusual for most people. What helps me is my imagination and love in my imagination and dreaming.

[@TimothySmith73]

Man, this makes sense to me. ALOT. It did not until now. But it does now. I understand now more how other's were and are making me feel and me others. Love your videos. And no I don't. Belong? Nope. Safe? Define that lol. Nope . I am challenged at work. I have not felt any type of intimacy In a while now. Anyone I am interested in has a Significant Other anyhow. No Autonomy. I like to fish and that helps me decompress. So I've been making a point to go more after work. An Hour or so does wonders for me. I have been trying to be far more self aware of my own actions and traits. Keeps what's good. Work on what's not. I keep repeating the same mistakes and that bothers me. Things like my Active Listening Needs more work. Prioritizing things. Etc. But I am getting there. And I have come a long way. But I now understand alot more why I feel the way I do alot.

[@JLakis]

Fishing is one of my things, too. I've made good friends fishing.

[@TimothySmith73]

@@JLakis Same.

[@fiyepjio6194]

Good for you! Keep on caring for yourself emotionally and working on areas you see need for change with love and compassion, and with room for mistakes cause your human too. Making such changes take time. New habits and ways take time. Autonomy- making the decision to take the time to decompress after work and ground yourself through fishing. One step at a time :)

[@isabellairwin4608]

This is that good shit, keep ‘em coming 🙏

[@AyeWitness]

Hi ok I watched it to the end. At 6:48 How can we have the tools to calm ourselves ? I’d appreciate a video on how we can meet these needs in ourself. I’ve not really anyone in my life that I can talk to or trust to be myself with.

[@JLakis]

I like Yoga Nidra. It's a guided meditation you do lying down. It helps me ignore the mind chatter, and feel and experience myself and my feelings in a safe and supported way. I like Ally Boothyrod, Amanda Penalaver and Zoe Kanat to name a few.

[@vikrammano6817]

Understanding and addressing these core emotional needs is crucial for personal growth and well-being. I haven't heard it being explained quit this way before, but your explanations are clear and impactful. Thank you!

[@nathalieduverna6963]

Thanks for the video ❤

[@MissTree22]

Thank you

[@Soulsurfermentality]

Thank u for doing this!!

[@raisa_heaven]

A year of psychotherapy gave me self-awareness. I am not over all the trauma symptoms but I now I can watch my reaction and reflect on them. This is cool.

[@TrebizondMusic-cm6fp]

It's good to see a clear list. I hope this is backed up well; it seems solid. More helpful than just vaguely talking about "needs" without specifying what they are. Does the order of the list reflect a hierarchy of them? Is the hierarchy different for different personalities, maybe? Some of us learn as adults that our emotional "needs" aren't welcome - as if they're childish things to put away, now that we're no longer cute. It depends on the environment and the relationship. Autonomy seems expensive enough that the price for it as an adult is a large portion of safety and intimacy.

[@lishmahlishmah]

Thank you so much dr Nicole. This is very helpful. Italy here 🖐️🙂 And... In the most cases, we have not good therapists for narcissistic abuse survivors here.

[@RJones-tn5vg]

I desperately need to decompress

[@umwha]

I think these needs can be grouped by the parental archetype whom is supposed to fulfill them in childhood: Maternal Needs: - Safety (emotional), - Decompression Paternal needs: Safety (physical) Autonomy, Challenge and growth Family needs: Belonging. Needs that emerge as we mature: Intimacy Self Connection

[@D_B6]

This is an excellent post, Dr. LaPera. It's the first time I've seen the need for challenge/ growth presented in terms of the need to have something to work towards (i.e. goals) which gives us opportunities to learn but also to TRUST OURSELVES and in our ability to make choices. This was also a fresh look at self-connection as being of our thought patterns and emotional reactions to support distress tolerance, self-soothing, and re-establishing emotional balance. Thank you!💯

[@Kelly-ih7vx]

So if we suffered emotional neglect in childhood these are the needs we really need to work on to get met?

[@goodnewsnavid479]

I live the way she says, 'TODAY' :)))

[@MsOldschool65]

I shared this video on my FB page. None of my emotional needs were met as a child, and I struggle with chronic PTSD because of it, decades later. I've been in and out of therapy. I'm back in now, but the therapists don't go into things like this. You almost have to know this beforehand to express these things like this to a therapist

[@muyiwa_igor]

Your content is just invaluable. Thanks a lot for all your work!

[@matikramer9648]

Thank you I would never thought about myself Very interesting and, I think, most useful for me

[@virginiawalker4922]

I left a relationship that did not provide safety, stability, decompression for myself, and enough autonomy. He was so incredibly paranoid of infidelity that he would be monitoring, interrogating me after visiting a girlfriend or having an medical appointment. I couldn't stand it...walking on eggshells. I didn't stay in that long.

[@AyeWitness]

I can’t even watch all this. I don’t have these. I never did. 😢

[@JLakis]

I'm sorry.

[@AyeWitness]

@@JLakis thanks 🙏 for being kind 🥰

[@zacharysanders3463]

Thinking too deeply, overwhelmed with past and memory, though sentiment or revelations, causes many spare times where action or reaction are still both misplaced. Spending more time recalling and doubting while not knowing where faults are reasoned.

[@D_B6]

ps I am attempting to self-soothe after reading @Agra586's post-I hear this so often during sessions!

[@rhonnachurch6929]

I dont think my emotional needs were being met in my family once we were going through having lost my 3 yr old brother. Then i was molested around the same time in my life, and i was about 7, i think. No wonder i developed bpd and boy can i dissociate from sutuatiins all day long if i need to.

[@lalithakrishnamurthy9663]

I don’t feel my chair belong in my dining table in my home .I feel I am watched all the time as if Iam an odd one out and everything I do is thought of as not so normal than how other people behave and do this is going on for more than 40+ years of arranged marriage.Iam always never myself for fear of being found out to be not like all the others .is this a way to live my every day life?now Iam 64years and I want to live alone even if Iam doing only mundane things in an ordinary life but I can be myself the whole day

[@annaf9821]

Please link to the practical steps you mentioned 😊 Listening to this video over and over again, I never do that with other videos 😅

[@maidenayoung]

Wow….I feel like NONE of my core needs are met. I must really be screwed up!

[@cameliaturda6472]

My dad was violent and drunk most of our live's ; only now , at 52 , in my dear lonlines i am safe , ...

[@divinloambimakeliki8086]

So insightful. Thanks a lot Dr 🙏🏿🙏🏿

[@ItCantRainForever2]

I never knew how to ask for my needs. It's like I'm still a child.

[@UndertheeOaks]

Your videos have changed my life ❤

[@qotu7645]

❤ty

[@sherryfox1481]

None of them are being met, and don't care to meet other's needs any longer.

[@augustaalecsa9680]

Thank you :)

[@Eric-tj3tg]

My former therapist called "belonging", "connection. It makes sense that if it never was there, one couldn't identify it s a need. And I suppose, to those who did have a connection, it seems obvious. I find myself envious of animals, both wild and domesticated, as, in tge wild ones, it's clear that they know what they need. It's also clear that they create a "nest" in which their offspring may be safe. They're not wondering what to eat, etc. It's been passed down untainted by the 10,000 things. Even domesticated animals retain their truth, and express it as their caretakers are conscious of them; the same thing we all naturally needed. Deep waters, I feel, and I am awed by some people's tenacity and will to keep healing. The road has been long, and talk about climbing ladders to false destinations, what is there to do but grieve for a lifetime of false-paths. Still not seeing a path, yet aware that the traps are numerous, the "hungry ghosts" a-many, I seek a safety that an infant/young child might seek, in the body of a man, who therefore cannot have it. How does this loyal protector within, now, at this time, lay down his arms? Arms amassed before even being conscious of a need to be defended are quite hard to identify, and resources, consequentially limited. I'm sorry for me it seems, and I'm sorry for those who must also walk this path, in whatever form(s) that takes 🙏.

[@mimikim777]

I understand… sincerely. I used to watch lion documentaries and feel envious to tears of their ancestral territory/home, strength in family and incredible will to survive and continue their lineage. I’m someone who no one claims and who claims no one and it’s been this way for nearly 50 yrs. I’ve accepted it. Not In martyrdom way. But in a surrendering kind of way. It doesn’t define or confine me like it used to. And I’ve felt so much love and abundance from the divine in ways that are different to most. I just had to be open to it. You are not alone. ♥️

[@Eric-tj3tg]

@@mimikim777 I hear that. Thanks for your thoughtful response and I'm glad that you found a way to make peace with what is for you.

[@momo90416]

Thank you! Your videos are SO informative and helpful. They are always clear and I appreciate the length (less than 10 minutes).

[@ryannesumbry4130]

Do you ever think 🤔 about opening your practice again?!? Probably not you’re able to reach more ppl this way, you have a larger audience

[@NN-et7xt]

Brilliant psychologist 🙏

[@imaniford119]

Thanks so much, Dr. LePara

[@Mavybwavy]

Thank you 🙏🏽

[@kiaray00]

Actually this video was heaven sent right on time!!! Recently I saw a post that detailed signs of emotional dependency and I knew I was repeating that pattern but I did not know exactly what my emotional needs were. Now that I know them I can work through them! Thank you so much!!!! 🩷