9 ways to deal with toxic people

[@user7-o9w]

The type of toxic person I can’t stand most are those who push toxic positivity. They dismiss your mental health struggles, gaslight you into thinking you're the problem, and act like being positive is the only solution. They avoid serious conversations and pretend everything is fine when it's clearly not.

[@StaceyQ22]

Toxic bosses! They do this!

[@user7-o9w]

@@StaceyQ22 I experienced a lot of this in churches of all places.

[@konroz]

@@StaceyQ22 i have a "friend" she is unemployed, in the past she was giving me tips, how to find a husband, because as a biological girl, i must be a stereotypical woman, who needs a man, after one finally found me, accepting my male clothes, she kept pushing, i must dress more "girly" (we are over 30 y.o.) nowadays she is kind of mad at me, because i only have a day off and am really exhausted... but she wants me to be cheerful, and she creates those fake facts, that my weekend is not boring, because i have work to do, or that reading is boring, but trying on clothes, you do not even want to buy is the real deal, when it is about hobbies. I mean, i see she enjoys it, but it drains me a lot. and btw i am ppl pleaser toxic as hell, too. my bf broke up with me (that is also one reason, why i would be bored, if i had two days off a week, so i must be happy according to my friend. my boss only tells me, i will get more salary, it is nice, isn't it.) and i cannot decide, if it was my fault, because i criticised him too often, did not respect his boundaries. Or was i just so lonely (i am in a new country and my only "friends" are from English course, the second youngest member is also a pensioner, then there am i without children, they have grandchildren, no time for me, in this summer school holiday we met twice, last year once, shorter holidays we don't meet) So maybe i wanted to know too much too soon, or he was not letting me know his love language, because he only wanted to have a fun partner instead of a toy in the bed. Every time, he was angry with me, because i bought him or his children a present, i told him, tell me, how you feel loved, for me gifts are the easiest way. I am at a stage at my life, i know how much i love somebody by the amount of gifts and their value, i would love to buy them, and the work i put in to finding the perfect one in Christmas... and he has kind of high score at all gift buying aspect of mine... So i kept buying him those stupid gifts, but maybe if i were more patient, and he did not let me help, but maybe if i tried to help in more creative ways, so he would not say, "don't ruin my system, i'll do it myself"... he hated, when i praised him, and when i pointed out, why he make silly jokes or belittle himself, it was not a good choice either (criticism)... I'm not good at touching as love language, i should have look for solution for that and watch for clues, if he gets it. And he was not open for quality time, or has a totally different idea of that kind of time, as i have. i'd like to be less toxic and spend more time with him, maybe as a friend. As a people please i manipulate rather than say, please do this and that. Sometimes he asked questions, which made me think for days, was i manipulating him, because yeah i wanted to see him, but was that other thing really just made up, because i didn't want to say, i miss you, or more likely i didn't felt to be loved enough to think, without an extra excuse, just meeting me would be possible or i wanted that other thing, too. Not only an excuse, but also important. And i am easy to manipulate, too. In my previous relationship my therapist tried to convince me, i am not manipulative, my ex is. Now my new therapist can't see me that often. I don't know, what he thinks, but i guess he agrees, i can be quite manipulative at times. Sometimes i felt manipulated, but i never asked my latest ex, as he asked me about my true intentions. Also in my previous relationships i never really felt manipulated, but thinking back, my previous therapist was right, i was always easy to manipulate. "Why did i agree to that i hate this, when i said that i wasn't meaning this way." That was a common feeling, but never so i was manipulated or nowadays when i do stuff, that wasn't feel right, sometimes i think, oh yeah my coworker told me about hardships, and i automatically offered help, which she never asked for, but didn't say no, and now i have this bad feeling, was i just a people pleaser, not receiving enough love for the help or was i already full of tasks, but my coworker knowing what to say.... she doesn't do me often favors, but if she takes a task from me, sometimes it is not enough to tell "thank you" once, i hear weeks long, that yeah she worked, so i can have a day off, but if i do something similar, it is just natural, that i take a shift at my shoulders, no matter it might mean working 9-12 days in a row. She is really bossy, the boss cannot tell her, when she must work, she works only from monday to friday, she has family... (i don't, eventually she treats with other coworkers the same regardless, whether they have family, hers is the most important) Sometimes after videos like this, i think i deserve to be left alone forever, because i cannot change, and that makes me sad. I mean in my last romantic relationship i was really trying so hard to see all my mistakes and never do them again. But by asking, 'why don't you like being praised' instead of saying 'you should accept my praise, do it my way, yours is bad' i wasn't doing anything better, i just put more work into something hopeless, instead of being a person worthy of healthy relationships.

[@tryingnot2bdumb]

yuppp

[@robertwiegman1]

Oh, wow, amen to that toxic positivity garbage. Soooo toxic!

[@user7-o9w]

Even when establishing boundaries, toxic people will still find a way to push past them and will even antagonize you for having them.

[@bluewizzard8843]

Well we are all toxic to a certain degree so that's valuable for everyone. If people are Always toxic you should avoid them to protect your mental health.

[@tryingnot2bdumb]

yup!

[@ronneighbour1378]

Then you walk away.

[@dordtrecht5]

My ex-wife and mother to my son.

[@daisy7066]

Like constantly repeating themselves & harassing you....

[@patriciacrawford3291]

Great topic, Kati. I recently had to cut ties with my younger sister as she's extremely toxic and never take responsibility for her actions. She can be downright evil at times for no reason. One day, she's on cloud 9, and the next day, she's meaner than a junk yard dog. I was taught that family is everything and tolerated more from her because of it, and yet when I finally realized how abusive and toxic she was, I decided to cut her out of my life. She no longer has access to me and doesn't deserve my presence. Family or not, no one should tolerate being abused emotionally or physically.

[@LanguageLanguage-]

I find it really hard to tolerate those who advocate for toxic positivity. They ignore your mental health struggles, gaslight you into believing you're the problem, and insist that a positive attitude is the only solution. They avoid deep conversations and pretend everything is okay when it clearly isn't

[@dianagreenwood3257]

Thank you Kati, in the process of packing up a house and moving from the worst living situation I have ever lived. Much needed advice

[@JamesBond-lt5tr]

Thank you for this, it’s very validating. I’ve made it to the point where I’m ready to quit my job to leave the toxic environment and see what else is out there. I’ve wasted too much time and energy and it’s time to reclaim my life. I enjoy your videos and hope you know how helpful you are.

[@mekman4]

Standing up for my Peace. I like that. Thank you!

[@AndrewChun791]

It’s incredible to how quickly you’re able to get feedback on KZbin and see actionable changes and improvements overnight. The pace is much more tolerable, I can briskly walk comfortably along with you rather than gasping for air trying to keep up with a full-on sprint around the track 😅

[@JeroenHega]

This is very recognizable to me. I'm very sensitive to this. Thank you so much for this video.

[@leonievh1223]

I am glad you share this because I am working on my feelings and learning to stand by my no and yes and keep my boundaries and learn when to walk away and stand up for my self❤

[@ryannesumbry4130]

I needed this video I wrk with toxic people everyday from patients to managers

[@Chuv777]

Great,concise advice.My go to tactics in dealing with those who drain one's energy are avoidance /limited interaction and keeping any chit chat very general in order to remain relatively detached.

[@KarlWitsman]

This approach is the most like the one I used most in counseling (retired). A mixture of realism, stoicism (a bit), and cognitive behavioral therapy. We tend to over-estimate how much people really think about us. We don't matter that much to them. Their behavior might have been influenced to be "toxic" long ago. So the only control we have is how we choose to see that behavior.

[@shoddypockets9666]

So helpful 😮! , I'm a people pleaser and definitely internalise toxic people's "attacks". The point that their behaviour is not about me , is so clarifying!!!! Thankyou!!!

[@claytonheals]

It's so wild how your videos say things as a trained counselor and someone in recovery from a lot i know logically but when you say it causes this big AH HA soothing moment! You have an incredible talent and the new info with the reminder info is so beneficial. This video the reminder was "if it isn't you then it's going to be someone else" regarding say a narcissistic person who is really draining to everyone but the interaction i self blame. SB until that is i'm reminded its not my fault. Thank You! =)

[@JoaquinRomolor]

Assertive is consistency too.

[@scottybthebrand]

Mine is Hungry, Apathetic, Lonley, Tired and that's how I get through each day. I get more help from this channel and ChatGPT that I do from any human, paid or unpaid.

[@willeminabyl552]

Thank you Kati, only just come across you on KZbin. Your messages are so “ to the point”, thought provoking and helpful! Thanks so much❤

[@ryana8246]

I watched a movie last night called Violet (played by Olivia Munn on Showtime.) She has a negative inner monologue due to the way her family and people close to her speak to her. Once she cuts the people off, that "voice" goes away. She plays a film exec, so in some ways it's hard to relate (at least in my view as a warehouse worker) but is interesting and relates to this topic. Kati (and some followers) might like it!! Edit: funny enough, it expired looks like!!! Tried looking it up today and is no longer on Paramount Plus/Showtime. 😅 But anyone can rent it on digital platforms if they want.

[@lisakay8288]

This draining person is my husband, 25 years and I never thought this was possible. Thanks for the tips, I certainly will use them.

[@Jamiey-]

​@BlackCatsandPumpkinsHow do you know this ?

[@Mel4everable]

Very timely… thank you!

[@Katimorton]

Glad it was helpful!

[@YoucancallmeMarcie]

I confronted my narcissistic partner yesterday. When my dad died I started hoarding and I’ve been alone in trying to clear my house for a year. He stacks stuff on either side of my doorways in every room. I finally cleared my kitchen and he threw a fit because I moved empty buckets out of my kitchen. I’m numb yet I’m done. I have an appointment with my therapist on Monday but I’m stunned.

[@YoucancallmeMarcie]

He screamed and yelled. I’m on 60 mg of duloxitine and I can’t feel any emotion right now.

[@YoucancallmeMarcie]

This morning he has my countertops cluttered up. I need help. I’m exhausted and so done with being in this vicious relationship.

[@YoucancallmeMarcie]

And I can’t tell anyone

[@leticiarodea2163]

This is pure gold ❤ Ty Katie for all that you do

[@johannc2451]

Thank you for helping me so much! ! you are great!!

[@BoostedPastime]

Thank you Kati I needed this.

[@issacman330]

Thank you for making this video it really helped me a lot 😀❤

[@ConnyWeirdWorld]

I'm looking forward to watching this. I need to figure out a way how to cope with my toxic mother. The problem is that due to my disability I am dependent on help from my parents again. But well, there was a reason why I initially left right after I finished school... She doesn't respect any boundaries. I really don't know what to do anymore. I hope the video will give me some insight 🙏

[@daisy7066]

That's a form of abuse. You could probably tackle it from that angle, but you may need some evidence, then the powers that be have to help you, you've got human rights after all.

[@campbellhouse6569]

Toxic people will always shift blame on you, ostracize and talk bad about you to others. Innocent people dont need to talk crap about the guilty party.

[@JoaquinRomolor]

Thank you Katie.

[@danavitolo]

When setting a boundary with them they react with posturing and guilt trips

[@ENFPerspectives]

It's a game to some. 😐

[@Pushing_Pixels]

They probably prefer you didn't have boundaries, which is a clear sign you needed to set some. People only get bothered by boundaries when they interfere with their plans.

[@danavitolo]

@@Pushing_Pixels ​​⁠I absolutely agree! When they react to your boundary in that way, you know you made the right decision in setting the boundary in the first place

[@laurenl720]

Thanks for this video. Validated that I do right by not reacting to toxic people. It’s draining, but I know I do the best I can. I’m thankful to have more support around me than not supportive. ❤

[@Katimorton]

You got this!

[@tarapedersen8606]

hi Kati thanks for the video. question: If a person cuts ties with a parent, what do you do if a parent dies? do you pay your respects when everyone blames you or do you just move on?

[@Jennyfenty-n1b]

Nice video, I'm still struggling with the end of my 7-year relationship. My significant other, who I considered to be the love of my life, left me a month ago, and I can't seem to shake the constant thoughts of him. Despite my efforts to bring him back into my life, nothing has worked, and I feel frustrated and hopeless. I've tried to move on, but my heart still longs for him, and I don't see myself with anyone else. I apologize for sharing this here, but I just can't seem to stop missing him.

[@QueenJessica-z5j]

It's hard to let go of someone you love; I went through a similar experience when my 12-year relationship ended. I tried everything to get him back, and eventually I had to turn to a spiritual counselor for assistance.

[@Jennyfenty-n1b]

Interesting! How did you locate a spiritual counsellor, and how can I get in touch with him most effectively?

[@QueenJessica-z5j]

His name is Father Obah Eze, and he is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.

[@QueenJessica-z5j]

he is father obah eze, he has great powers, he can help you.

[@Jennyfenty-n1b]

Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤

[@marinakiell1069]

But what if the other person doesn’t see it for what it really is? Like for instance the other day I brought up the acronym of HALT. Now I know there were many places I heard of it from and when mom asked me where I heard of it I couldn’t remember the exact place I first heard of it it took me a bit and I hemmed and hawed before getting it out. Because I hemmed and hawed mom said something where she thinks I need maybe some kind of speech therapy cuz she thinks I don’t know how to conversate.

[@Pushing_Pixels]

Setting a boundary you won't enforce is like bluffing at poker with a handful of nothing. It may work sometimes, but difficult people will always call your bluff eventually. If they decide all of your boundaries are bluffs they may target you further, so you need to enforce them (and they need to be realistic enough to be enforceable).

[@teresagalvin6233]

Ooh buckle up guys this is gonna be a good one!😂

[@russwj]

Thank you

[@Bat_Boy]

The boundary is a trigger for the narcissist to rage how cruel you are. 😅

[@ENFPerspectives]

This absolutely happens. They spend a lot of time trying to gaslight you that it's you. Just remember, you can only change yourself and limit interaction and be limited with information when you have interactions with them. Best wishes.

[@pikmin4743]

brilliant advice, thank you

[@Katimorton]

Glad it was helpful!

[@sherriharding2312]

Thank you Kati, I needed this so much. You are spot on! My toxic person is my Mother. She has caused so many problems my entire life! I would love to cut her out of my life, but she is 85 years old. I only have one Sister to deal with our Mother. I don't think it's fair to put all the work on my Sister. I've considered counseling, which would help I'm sure. 😢

[@teresagalvin6233]

Omg thankyou Katie these are great tools 🔧 ❤️

[@Katimorton]

You're so welcome!

[@antonialovesyou4462]

Thank God For This!

[@reesewitherfork6142]

Could a boundary be about lack of action? Example, i need to discuss the abuse that’s occurred; if you’re not able or willing to discuss the abuse then unfortunately I’m not able to be in relationship until that can happen. I’ve questioned if this was more of an ultimatum even though my intention was to draw the line for myself and it was their free choice to engage or not.

[@joeschmo1516]

Thank you for this.

[@Katimorton]

My pleasure!

[@raymondwalters2723]

Unfortunately, you cant walk away from toxic parents until its too late and you're already emotionally damaged

[@rosa-thorn]

a toxic person was telling me i am more likely to get what i want if i play nice play their game please them. i totally ignored her. i felt in that situation that wasn’t the right thing to do. i had to block her eventually because she was toxic and it took me a long time to realize it

[@txrancher47]

Great advice! Thx

[@Katimorton]

Glad it was helpful!

[@DaleLamb-s1m]

I believe it was the Budda who said "Do not set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Hoping I remember correctly.

[@bansheesioux5569]

I haven't seen a Stop n Go, since the 80s. San Gabriel CA

[@Helenaicc]

Primeiro vídeo que ouço com tradução. Chocada

[@Dobermanmomma]

What do you do when people crowd your space in a grocery store so they can get close to you. When you say something they act like they don't hear you. It happens alot.

[@ronneighbour1378]

Good video. I already know and practice all of this but it's nice to have it reinforced.

[@james22939]

Great video

[@Katimorton]

Thanks!

[@jimlbeam]

Maybe these are why people don't have much to do with me. Dang it ADHD/ASD traits

[@jimlbeam]

Maybe ive become toxic over certain unfinished subjects. Too lonely that gets tired of talking to myself about those subjects.

[@NickinaCage]

I'll say it again. Kati is THE BOMB! 💣👉🤘👈🖤🖤🖤She's the shizz...

[@emily5902]

I love your content Kati and I have a "in good faith" question I'm curious about. As a person with strong minority cultural identity, I often find that my friends of color and first gen American friends feel like I "get" things about the difficulties of boundaries in cultures with strong collective values that they have to explain to other white people or non-first gen Americans. We joke about the challenges of staying in conversations with people whom we love who have had very difficult life experiences. My fear is around rejecting aspects of my culture that I love while trying to set good boundaries. Do you have additional advice about navigating these elements of our cultures without feeling like we are rejecting our cultures? I realized that at a certain point I basically felt like I was pathologizing most people from my cultural identity.

[@IshtarNike]

I'm in favour of recognising that a lot of western individualistic culture is highly toxic just in it's own way. While it won't help you feeling like most people from your culture are pathological. But in recognising the toxicity of western culture it at least means you can recognise that your culture isn't 'worse'. Hyper individualism, kicking kids out at 18, toxic positivity and wellness culture. All of it has unique western spins that are actually pretty toxic. Whatever your culture is it's not uniquely toxic. The key is to start seeing western culture AS a culture and not as the default or 'neutral' position. 😊

[@emily5902]

@@IshtarNike yes! That makes so much sense to me! My academic background is in anthropology and reading what you wrote gave me a lot of good feelings.

[@JoaquinRomolor]

Sleeping do help a lot.

[@user-c4b9b]

13:51 it's because these are military studies. You are a doctor, you know how much of clinical psych and medicine comes from US Army studies, hell I always talk about the one in the 50's correlating physical size of cerebral cortex in mammals to the number of individuals that they are socially capable of interacting with on a meaningful level. Women, were treated MORE like humans, and NOT expected to be a soldier and sleep in a billet during peacetime with R&D needing answers, women were at home, living civilized lives AHEM spending that soldiers money - and here "surprise surprise, no one cared about the women"... I know you must not have meant it that way because if you did it's honestly insane. I'M a fuggin $17 an hour Lowe's Employee who will never set FOOT in a ROOM like that one let alone a HOUSE like yours... Hi, How ya doin.

[@thescribe4742]

Just a general question: What exactly is "toxic?"

[@Whoeverwhateverwhenever]

In modern world: everyone who disagrees with you

[@homeland1128]

the fact that u need a question for it shows either u overprivileged asf for never meeting one OR u're one of em 😂

[@thescribe4742]

@jaime9353 what did the other user say wrong? It's plain as day that this notion of "toxicity" is a beast of its own. Just to hammer the point in, you've automatically assumed that the other user is "probably toxic" because they said the true part out loud. Are you even aware of your hypocrisy?

[@thescribe4742]

@@jaime9353 what did you learn?

[@sudoku47]

For my money, anyone who fervently believes that the only birthday present a bald person should ever receive has to be a COMB must be toxic, selfish and narcissistic! If a bald person works as a barber, they may need a couple of combs to ply their trade, but offering a comb to a bald person precisely because their head has no hair is the pinnacle of emotional abuse!

[@LouiesLog]

Or even therapist that call their clients crazy

[@NicaleATifa]

She is an hypocrite. If you meet a toxic person, you deserved to meet one. Karma is getting you back. This is how toxic works. Means you were bad to a person maybe you bullied that person? Maybe you did something in your past hurt a guy’s feelings? Now ur facing those people. That’s how karma works, well deserved too. Toxic people exist for a reason. You need toxic people to, to punish those people. It’s very simple, but you’re an leftover hypocrite.

[@kachunk7454]

I wonder if you've thought about labeling it toxic behavior instead of labeling people as toxic?

[@josephd.1924]

❤

[@inspectre27]

Forgot #10

[@Whoeverwhateverwhenever]

And everyone who is watching this video think: I am not toxic, they are 😂

[@elonmust8859]

Leave them alone we all do at some point 😅