90 Day Fiancé - (Mike & Natalie #15) - More Walls - Therapist Reacts

[@irairod5160]

Teacher here (near Washington, DC): our curriculum includes Socio-Emotional Learning lessons, and I'm happy to say that we teach children (starting in preschool) about conflict resolution, anger management strategies, mindfulness, media citizenship, self-advocacy...the importance of empathy, of listening to others and oneself, of cultivating curiosity and respect for diversity...Of course there's always more we can do, but rest assure that many of us are pushing hard for making mental health and "emotional stewardship" an important component of our students' lives in and out of school.

[@ilusyonadangshena3222]

Amazing! If this is legalized as mandatory curriculum for the whole world, the next generation would be more emotionally intelligent.

[@koobs_]

Natalie doesn’t seem to see Mike for who he is but rather for who he “could” be. From trying to get him to lose weight, to trying to convert him to her religion, to pushing him to be a father soon, she seems to see him as a project. Which is maybe why she stated that she sees “potential”. Mike seems to be very passive and maybe enjoys that she takes the driver’s seat in the relationship because it prevents him from needing to be vulnerable and expressing his own wants/needs. They’re compatible in that way but in the end perhaps neither of them will feel completely satisfied in this relationship.

[@oliae2898]

Yup

[@asunnywebb]

100%

[@Bano385]

He seems depressed ,all of the time.

[@pinkpugginz]

I think Mike is a big drinker

[@Susanne-323-]

Absolutely. Modeling healthy communication should be taught in schools. Maybe even earlier that teen years. new/expecting parents should have access to such education especially because those early years are formative. We say babies don’t come with a manual, but maybe they should.

[@goosebump801]

🙌❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@CariRuth]

In the Seattle area, many schools use “RULER” which is a program developed by Yale that facilitates emotional intelligence, self-regulation, compassion and healthy communication among students. I was very lucky to work at a RULER school, and using the approach with elementary students for 35 hrs a week was truly life-changing for me as an adult. I grew up in a high-conflict family that didn’t communicate feelings in a healthy manner. Now it seems wild that we even managed to exist that way.

[@kokolatte825]

@@CariRuth I'm trying to look this up now. Do you have any sources you could maybe point me to? Sounds interesting.

[@Meeexpxp]

Yyaaasssss

[@Meeexpxp]

@@kokolatte825 second this!

[@mariek.474]

The good moments in a relationship aren't always when things are rosy and perfect, solving misunderstandings is not always pleasant but so rewarding somehow ? Like a common victory, not letting things spoil in the shadows and resentment grow. My bf felt grumpy last night and made some comments about my job that I found... not degrading but like he thinks it's a joke as it's not as physically demanding and has less hours than his. Usually in my past relationships I'd just see it as a stupid immovable prejudice someone has and be resentful, but we talked it through. It took quite a while of patient talking him through why he thought my job wasn't hard, what he dislikes about his and what my point of view is etc...he apologized profusely afterwards, saying that he's been tired and is envious of my fixed schedule and other advantages (although he admits he couldn't deal with the bad sides of my job). It makes sense but we agreed it's unfair for him to be snarky with me. It was a tough, but good talk !

[@goosebump801]

🙌🎉

[@nineveha]

I love and relate to this. My partner seemed to think that my job was not real work because I work from home and it appears like I just breeze through it. I resented him for his little jokes and comments about it and I cold shouldered him over it. Since listening to Dr Kirk though I told him that he had hurt my feelings and we actually talked about it, I found that he respected what I did he just wanted to have some I hate my job banter because he didn't have someone to do that with in the new town we moved to .. he stopped making the jokes after he realised my feelings were actually being hurt. Its amazing what a chat can do instead of the silent treatment/being mean back ...

[@mariek.474]

@@nineveha Totally ! I work from home too since march, so my bf had a distorted point of view about how easy it looked and pretty much leeched the disatisfaction about his own job on it, as a clumsy conversation starter. I'm glad you and your partner got to talk it out too ! ♥

[@tturing5698]

Wow very cool. And I agree sometimes huge fights even ones that really hurt can end up bringing people a lot closer especially when they are open to deal with it and considerring and owning how they might want to change. I had a similar fight where I was acting more like your bf did, and I also ended up hearing her side through and changed some very hurtful patterns I had which I had not reall thought of from her side, because I learnt some very mocking insensitive behavior in my family and vulnerability can be scary, espacially if you worry about disapointing someone then it can feel easier to put on a cocky attitude. I also apologised in the end and decided to change this because it was hurtful and invalidating to someone I like

[@tinyelephant77]

I just want to point out, regardless of Mike's coping style, he stated earlier that his issue was she told him she loved him many times before. Then when the producer asked if she loved him, then she said idk or we have potential. Being at the beginning of a relationship and not knowing if you love someone yet is very different, imo, from having someone telling you they love you multiple times and then backtracking when asked. Anywho, just wanted to point that out.

[@rosa61217]

@Itsjusta Hellcat he was right next to her

[@maryjane.999]

Yes! Thank you! I've been thinking this every time it's brought up!

[@autumnlover5784]

Also she brought up that the “trust” issue that happened just prior to being questioned by producers was that he “slept over” a female friends home on her batchlorette pre wedding night so There is def l. more to this whole thing on both sides sad bc they are my fav couple too 😢

[@tardigrade312]

Nat hints at it and I won't spoil it, but what happened off camera and Mike's brushing off of it, is most likely why she was questioning her feelings. His avoidance tendency probably made things worse.

[@tinyelephant77]

@@autumnlover5784 Ohhh. Ok. Lol I literally only watch this show via Dr. Honda so I'm super out the loop. Hope I get that reveal soon! Thanks y'all!

[@lenam6697]

"Like 50% to love"? In true 90 Day Fiancé fashion, it would be more, like, 55% 😁

[@15483773]

Haha :) Well done!

[@francesfehrman741]

He ask her a question, she changed the subject. Ask her again....listen..... don't change subject,

[@FluentWithHayley]

I almost actually laughed out loud at that. “Like 55%” ifykyk

[@inesolujic2534]

I feel like Dr Honda deserves his own show on PBS where he's like a Mr Rogers for adults 😊 and he welcomes us into his office each day, as he brushes a cat hair off his sweater, and tells us to take care of ourselves today because we deserve it, we really, really do.

[@sisresist]

First time commenter. This is taught in schools! Not enough of them, but it's growing. It's called social emotional learning. It's all about self-awareness and social awareness, identification and communication about emotions and pretty much living in a society. Schools should adopt more social emotional learning into their curriculum. Push for it!

[@irairod5160]

Thank you, Keli, I'm a teacher, and I just wrote a comment saying that my school has an entire curriculum dedicated to SEL! Yes, parents (and everyone) please push for it! Ask for it! Learn about it! I have seen great positive impact--even in Kindergarten, and ESPECIALLY in 5th and 6th graders who these days have to deal with cyberbullying, body image issues, materialistic values being piped in through social media, the chase for clout without having hard work be the backbone of fame...they need the tools to understand what healthy emotions look like, and encouragement to seek professional help when they need it.

[@sisresist]

@@irairod5160 I teach 5th and 6th grade and couldn't agree more. Every student deserves SEL, they really really do.

[@gabbyb9418]

This is something oklahoma schools lack completely. There is zero instruction on how to handle social & emotional situations. Its quite scary to think about how that affects our future.

[@irairod5160]

@@gabbyb9418 Ask for it, and keep asking for it. I can honestly see a difference between the students I've had in the last 5 years and the ones I had several years before that, when we had not made Socio-Emotional Learning part of our lessons. The ones we have now are better at understanding and regulating their emotions, disagreeing with others in a respectful way, seeking help, recognizing when others need help, self-advocating, examining social media messages with a critical eye, having "growth mindset" instead of fixed, inflexible ideas, understanding diversity in background/experience/ability, deescalating conflict, handling rejection, leaving a situation that makes them uncomfortable or seems risky without fearing of losing friendships...they are even attuned to adults' need for reassurance, grace, time, silence, patience, fun, forgiveness, community, etc. It's really good to see. The best thing--these "lessons" are embedded in science, social studies, math, language arts...from the topics we read about, to the way we phrase math problems and the varied perspectives we explore in history and science, we take lots of opportunities to help them feel valued, respected, important, and to encourage them to consider others' point of view. So, it eventually becomes second nature, and they can tap on those skills everywhere they are.

[@jacquelinele9170]

So true!!! And provide teachers with the resources bc some of us haven't learned this either 😂😭

[@rosemercer7159]

Being in love is vastly different than loving someone

[@Contessa1888]

The greatest value I get from watching your videos is when you model alternative ways that people can approach the conversation and furthermore showing us what it would sound like. You offer a different perspective. I agree with others that many people do not see this modelled growing up or even as an adult. It’s helpful to hear.

[@dee...]

Is it really realistic to expect Mike to want to be vulnerable with someone who displays such inconsistent behaviour? Inconsistency doesn't promote trust. In my opinion, Natalie comes across as disingenuous and fickle. The way she babied Mike in the car on the way to the airport really rubbed me up the wrong way. Her tone of voice was not comforting, it was almost mocking as she said he was a "good man" etc. I imagine it would be very difficult to feel safe opening up to someone who, one moment wants a baby with him immediately, but the next moment she's throwing the ring in his bag. One moment she wants him to convert to her religion, the next moment she won't tell him she loves him (despite having said it before). Natalie has the right to change her feelings anytime, but how does one really trust someone to "take care" of your vulnerable feelings when she acts like that? I totally see why Mike thinks she's childish. (I am not saying Mike is doing well in handling this relationship, but I think it's unfair to put all the responsibility on him without looking at Natalie's behaviour as a serious barrier to trust and vulnerability).

[@aurahnh1637]

It's so interesting to me that you interpreted it that way, for whatever reason I don't see your point of view. I guess it's just the type of baggage we carry around from our past and what triggers us.

[@dee...]

@@aurahnh1637 Absolutely, we all see things through the lens of our past experiences, social conditioning, traumas, and beliefs/values. Sometimes our lens can make us more sensitive to certain things and sometimes our lens can make us more blind to certain things. Essentially we are all just speculating here in the comment section. I have no doubt my own traumas impact how I perceive Mike and Natalie. Nevertheless, I don't think that makes my points less worthy of consideration.

[@goosebump801]

Using “always” or “never” in a contentious exchange like Mike and Natalie’s rarely helps the speaker’s point truly be heard by the other person. Speaking of what can be taught in school...I had a teacher in high school who pointed out “‘Never’ is a really long time” whenever a student used an “absolute” type word. It sank in. I rarely use these words, even more than three decades later 😊

[@vdg5346]

Same! I also do not use good and bad, or "something".

[@suelawson7273]

I always try and avoid the word 'should'

[@aurahnh1637]

A true teacher,teaching real life skills

[@inspirefolie]

I see a lot of comments ripping on Mike, but if I were in a relationship with someone who was so manipulative and hurtful, I'd probably be closed off and moping too. The whole "you're a bad person but act like a good person" thing seems like a complete projection of who she actually is, and I feel bad seeing Mike experience that.

[@Meeexpxp]

"say from your mouth what is going on with your heart" is merch gold if you ask me

[@jillgordon1003]

Is she seriously saying she didn't do anything that hurt him? She chucked the ring at him and spoke to him in a super condescending manner...but that couldn't possibly have hurt him? Ok...

[@selectjeancompany3815]

you're very good at this Dr Kirk

[@starzzzy22]

In the latest season Mike has seemed (and even looked) drained and depleted of all energy. He didn't seem like that before and I wonder what's really happened. Also, a lot of schools are teaching social and emotional learning nowadays (can't say if they do it well or not, but it's a step towards teaching some of the skills Dr. Honda is describing).

[@ellendoucette7278]

I think it would be draining to live with someone like Nathalie. She is rarely satisfied.

[@Heyitskrystal]

Oh no he married her? I had hoped they broke up she seems unstable and manipulative. She doesn’t accept this guy for who he is and doesn’t seem she ever will. She seems conflict oriented.

[@starzzzy22]

@@Heyitskrystal no they're not married in the current season airing on tv

[@tannamoorer6119]

When he said he drives three hours to work and three back everyday i said no wonder he looks tired. And deal with Natalie no way.

[@kokolatte825]

@@Heyitskrystal i think they will break up this season. We shall see.

[@kairu5607]

If it wasn’t for Dr. Honda I’d be more critical of Natalie. I once had a friend like her and now after seeing these reaction videos I have more care and love for her. Too bad I left our relationship because I couldn’t deal with the expectations she had of me. But now I get it, I failed her too by being avoidant.

[@michaelsotomayor5001]

I also had a woman in my life like her.. I put the world at her feet. She was happy.. But ultimately it really builds pressure.. these high expectations. My ex was definitely much more aggressive in her expectations.. I didn't know how to manage it. I believe, it's my belief, if I were to reach out to her.. She would invite me.. But I would need someone like Dr. Kirk to help out to be honest haha.. it's not an easy thing to balance.. especially trying to be a provider in every way. After more consideration.. I sometimes would think to myself.. why does she want to be a wife and a mother? She lives with her parents and takes care of dogs she finds in the streets. Her father is a wealthy man.. she is not spoiled but I wonder sometimes. If she really knew what she was getting into.. and what it required of her.. I guess I'll never know.

[@gabbyb9418]

@@michaelsotomayor5001 it seems like if you were to get back together you'd need to make couples counseling a priority, & thats ok! My bf & I get along 99% of the time but EVERY couple is going to have topics that are hard to discuss. We both have relationship trauma & we can trigger each other sometimes. When a conversation, by default, is triggering for one or more people you really need a mediator. You can also find a family systems counselor, thats who helped us. We had some hard discussions about marriage with her & even though we don't meet eye to eye on it our relationship was for sure stronger after that session. We learned a whole lot about each other because my therapist just knows the right questions to ask & the right things to say. It would have been almost impossible for us to talk about it on our own, & thats ok. We got triggered. We cannot control that. Like Dr. Honda always says, you can be totally healthy but if you break your leg you go to the Dr. If you have triggers that interfere with your life, get a therapist! Its amazing the perspective they can provide.

[@lavinder11]

I was rooting for this couple at first, but when I saw that interaction on the reunion and what the horrible, terrible thing she was talking about was, I rolled my eyes and stopped caring. Some of this seems manufactured while the majority of it seems like Natalie playing control games and losing.

[@alang4190]

what’s the terrible thing that she was talking about?

[@lavinder11]

@@alang4190 SPOILER She accused him of cheating because he slept at a female friend's house without the fiance present. I think he told her that the friend's fiance would be there, but the fiance got too drunk to drive, so he stayed somewhere else, which left Mike and the female friend in the house alone. The interaction was weird. At first I thought it was TLC-created drama to keep their story going, but now in their new season, she seems to see everything he does as a violation of trust.

[@dftknight]

@@lavinder11 what is it?

[@elaineagnesbannon6055]

Fwequent Fwooding 😂😂😂 that cracked me up

[@kimosabe818]

I had aaaaaawful parents. I had parenting classes but only after i noticed that i couldn't do thing the right way 'intuitivly '.....like society expects

[@daniellai.9904]

At least you cared enough to go! And improve!!! Props to you🤍 Don’t be hard on yourself.

[@aurahnh1637]

What a functional thing to do,good on you and your kids. Keep it up and the effort will be worth it

[@mikence90]

I just spit some water out laughing at "fuequent flooding" :)

[@annaamericanaccent9184]

in the Tell All, her issue was that he had slept on the couch at his friend's house. She was getting married and he went the wedding - out-of-town, I believe. He had assumed the groom would be there, but he wasn't, and Mike stayed any way. Natalie didn't believe him when he said nothing happened. I believe Mike; it's very unlikely he would have slept with a friend getting married the next day, and he probably didn't think this was going to look bad. Many people felt that this was cheating no matter what, but I disagree. I could have done the same thing. I also would have trusted my man if there had been no red flags before that.

[@pinkpugginz]

And it was a friend of Mikes that he had known for a long time and they had been best buddies. For her to just assume he's sleeping with his best friend on her almost wedding night is crazy!! Her jealousy is insane.

[@PCkitten]

Well she also stated that she talked on the phone with the friend and the friend said something like “he is mine“? It made me really confused but also led me to believe there is more and Natalie has a hard time because of the language barrier and because she can not decide wether to air their dirty laundry or tv or not.

[@francesfehrman741]

He didn't cheat. She's not listening. He's explaining but she doesn't understand., Like Root beer is not beer, hot dog is not a dog, stir Fry is not Fry...her brain is messed up.....they don't have normal communication talks.

[@asunnywebb]

She said she loved him. He proposed. They got in an argument. She said she didn't love him. She gave him the ring back. How are we saying she said she didn't love him yet? I think that must have been missed.

[@Tiffany_C_]

I see a lot of people rag on both Mike and Natalie for their seemingly contradictory actions. For Natalie, us viewers are confused by her desire to have a baby but not be able to say “I love you”. For Mike, he didn’t want to talk at the airport, but now he wants to talk when there’s physical and emotional distance between them. I think if we look at their past relationships, it can help to understand. For Natalie, she left her marriage because her husband didn’t want children. So when Mike, says no to having children right now, and wants to wait, Natalie probably heard that a ton from her ex husband. So it feels like deja vu and it’s probably triggering her (even though it seems unreasonable to us). For Mike, his ex wife left him for someone else. So when Natalie isn’t ready to say “I love you”, it’s probably triggering him. Basically they both suck at communicating 😅

[@dee...]

Good insights! Thanks for sharing.

[@theresamm21]

I find your examples when trying to explain what’s happening sometime between a couple (I.e. the example with jumping into the pool) very useful to understand what’s going in the other person’s mind!!!! Thank you

[@purelightworld9164]

Shes super controlling in this new season. She hates his small town lifestyle, kicks out his family, complains about food/diet...I would just send her back and find someone who fits your lifestyle.

[@kimberly8164]

OK has everybody forgot that her 1st meeting him she was mad because he wouldn't get her pregnant but yet she can't say whether she loves him that it's too soon to say? WTH....

[@joeyotten2091]

Preach! Don’t forget he was a bad person because he wasn’t religious and all the talking and consoling and reasoning he had to do to get her out of that mood

[@SR-og4cy]

Yes very bothered by the put a baby in me, but I think you're a bad person who I don't love. He seems very deflated over time and hurt by her. I think he thought she loved him and is reliving his prior marriage hurt.

[@FabiolaRVela]

I know, it really bugs me 😂 🤷‍♀️

[@francesfehrman741]

Lust

[@whoknows7593]

Dr Honda had the best idea ever. If you tackled the problem before it get worse, things can only get better 🤔

[@TheMorcroft]

Build a sea wall for the ocean of emotion!

[@kmonkey8874]

lollll

[@kattilley2883]

Merch, man

[@shawnmercercrain9727]

Maybe it’s a lot of head games on Natalie’s part? She doesn’t seem very mature in a lot of ways - total speculation

[@seashells1460]

I agree. But, I feel he is also very emotionally immature.

[@shawnmercercrain9727]

@@skoda18 thank you!! You see it too which makes me feel like I’m not alone in this assessment. My DH would never dream of converting me to anything as it would take away from my peppiness. I wish Natalie would judge herself by her standards so she can see how she’s judging Mike.

[@shawnmercercrain9727]

@@seashells1460 maybe so however trying to convert a person you claim to love because you can’t trust them otherwise is utterly ridiculous. Many sociopaths believe in God but that doesn’t stop them from killing.

[@seashells1460]

@@shawnmercercrain9727 I totally agree with you. It is ridiculous. And it's offensive to imply that just because you don't "believe" means you are somehow a rotten human with no moral compass. I personally don't feel I need a God or religion to be a good person. I just choose to do good things and to be kind. Not because I'm afraid of going to hell but because I just believe it's the right thing to do.

[@sovietchampagne]

My husband (from ex-Soviet country) has explained that Ukrainian & Russian women learn not to be confrontational with their male partners. Domestic violence is pretty widespread in dysfunctional relationships & families there. From what he's told me, and from what I've learned from my own mother (born into Ukrainian immigrant family), I get the impression that many Ukrainian women don't expect to be understood/empathized with by men (and quite likely fear male anger), so they don't communicate their problems directly. Being openly confrontational & expressing your anger is "acting like a man", and if you act like a man, you risk being "put back in your place". So what women from cultures/societies/families where these sorts of gender dynamics are prevalent often do instead is "punish" their male partner by stonewalling him until he caves and apologizes. Passive-aggression is kind of a survival tactic and becomes a really deeply ingrained schema for handling conflict with men. Maybe the only way you've ever learned to handle conflict with men.

[@colleenbogovich5435]

Being a baby boomer I can tell you that my siblings and peers were parented by father's who had fought in WWII, mother's who didn't make decisions. We never questioned because it was considered disrespectful. We didn't talk about the day at the table because dad was tired from work. Maybe our kids generations will be different.

[@Pegahpegi1]

Dr. Honda I always talk to my partner the way you tell us to talk but as soon as he realizes I want to talk about a problem he turns his back and say “ I don’t wanna talk about our conflicts” ! I don’t know how to communicate anymore

[@duranfan4ever922]

She DID tell him she loved him many times before....and then she went backwards. That's where Mike's confusion comes from.

[@francesfehrman741]

She's confused. Mike can't have a normal talk with her. She's weird. How can Mike love this person? Wishy-washy.

[@YuzuNovaCore64]

I'm sorry but despite what everyone else says about Natalie, I personally find her extremely annoying and childish. She's being very demanding and complains constantly. She finds some sort of flaw in everything and always tries to belittle Mike. Its rather sad honestly. For Mike anyways. I could care less for Natalie. Its very hard for me to watch this couple and not internally cringe from all this drama she constantly brings up. I would say she needs to grow up but I honestly think that she doesn't know how to.

[@SR-og4cy]

I don't like her either. I think she is mean to him and trying to control him and force him to change. Even when he asks her a direct question she refuses to answer. Her inability to accept him for who he is is mean.

[@alang4190]

funny, i think the opposite. at the airport she went the extra mile and displayed herself in her most vulnerable form to mike who decided to act macho and not show any feelings towards her or any sign of wrong doing. its as if he wants her to beg for forgiveness while he gives that smug that he’s always right. to me his attitude is super childish

[@YuzuNovaCore64]

@@alang4190 So my rebuttal to that would be how did that come about? After she tossed the ring back at him as he was getting ready to leave and felt bad afterwards and knew her green card was in jeopardy and now she tries to suck up to Mike last minute? I dont buy that. She knows how to play this game and what strings to pull to get a reaction. She's an manipulator and a good one at that.

[@SableRain]

This is exactly why I watch you, Dr. Kirk. I grew up in a dysfunctional alcoholic family and I have an infant. I want the cycle of family mental illness to end, and watching your videos is part of my education. Could you please do an overview of what such a learning program for young parents, babies, toddlers, children, and teens would entail?

[@asunnywebb]

So it was passive aggressive all along - her saying she didn't love him yet. It wasn't because she didn't know yet. She didn't say "I don't know". She said no, not yet. After saying she did. She's ridiculous to claim she did nothing wrong. God that call was so manipulative. Many or most of us have been in very toxic relationships like that. She's rewriting what happened as if it never happened and he shouldn't be hurt. That turning it around on him and saying she takes responsibility while not taking responsibility.

[@maddyleon3316]

My partner is kind of like Mike. He won't tell me what he's feeling or thinking and expect me to understand what he's thinking at all times, and when I ask him he says we're not compatible and that I should know him. 😢

[@liverbirdxoxo1984]

I learnt how to talk like you do in rehab... it really helped

[@joywebster2678]

They are on video call, she is looking at THE BLANKETED CHAIR he is sitting in but it "shocks her so much" in person and she picks and sneers at it. Is it zero situational awareness on phone, or reality TV drama when she arrives?

[@lavinder11]

There's so much contempt in their new season.

[@dee...]

@@lavinder11 it's exhausting to watch their parts in the new season! I really don't understand why they're together. I feel like Natalie doesn't like anything about Mike at all. She's constantly unhappy. Plus she's hypocritical - she tells everyone she's vegetarian but she eats fish (pescetarian). Then she gets mad at Mike for eating meat because the animals had to die. Don't fish have to die too? Ugh, bring back uncle Beau - at least he genuinely loves Mike and wants him to be happy.

[@singingLouieLouie]

two equally important things: 1- I never had "healthy communication" modelled to me. I even "learned" about it at some point ("whey you do X, I feel Y..."), but the MODELLING is so important. We all know how to theoretically eat "healthy" more or less, but many times we choose not to. After seeing dr Honda going "ok, so this wasn't very helpful. If they wanted to be helpful they could say..." over and over, after SO MANY VIDEOS I WATCHED, I began learning how to "translate" the hurt/anger/etc. It did sound corny at first, but I tried incorporating that into my everyday conversations (mostly with my husband because of COVID) and it began sounding natural and it immediately changes the dynamic. I think the repetition and variety are important. I also see a therapist, so when it doesn't quite go as I expected, we are able to go over the interactions etc. So, to me, it's not just a matter of knowing the technique, but practicing when to use it and incorporating it. Kind of like learning a foreign language. So thank you so much for that. 2 - second equally important thing: I like the aquatic themes. The wall to protect from the sea, the jumping into the pool, the "ocean of emotion" from some other episode (emocean, copyright pending (not really)). And no. I don't have anything to add. Just... water themes.

[@nytheprincess]

I don't understand why she isn't giving a yes/no/i don't know answer to "do you love me?" It's frustrating to watch.

[@aleka..]

Yeah... but once he accused her in "tell me" manner of having contacts for visa with other "American"* men. and who knows what else was there So I kinda understand her reluctance to answer *meaning US, while it's a continent

[@alang4190]

they basically just met, and she’s been around enough to know that the feeling shouldn’t be forced

[@dee...]

@@alang4190I heard they were together for two years before this show even started. Their relationship is not new. She also told him she loved him several times before.

[@lavinder11]

@@alang4190 they didn't just meet

[@lavinder11]

She's not telling him no directly because the relationship would end

[@thenewmexicantexan]

FWEEKWENT FWUDDING lmaooooo 😂😭🎯🥰😇

[@cheche9528]

They are both dances around the fear of rejection 😏

[@thambec]

Couldn’t agree with you more about the school system! We’ve spoken about this before. I’ve been having a hard time trying to get my executive to agree to 1 hr a week on teaching the students self welfare eg. Mindfulness, emotional self regulation etc.

[@guadalupecastruita6762]

Love these educational videos... seeing what they do to each other: hurt, pain, miscommunication issues... I mean, we all have been there and ask ourselves what would’ve happened if we went to therapy?

[@loveydoveyme]

I was thinking the exact same thing. Why aren't we taught those things at school. It would save so many people. I was miserable for such a long time and I didn't even know it was about my mental health. I thought there was smth wrong with my physical body and me in general. I went from one doctor to another and they were very annoyed and disrespectful and trying simply get rid of me as if it was my fault that I'm not getting better. My last doctor was the only one close to solve this "big" mystery (I guess as they prescribed me some sort of sedative. But they never said I was just someone else's client). So I had to figure it out myself. 🤦🏼‍♀️ I had no clue about mental health moreover I was taught that it's a complete bs. We had a therapist at school but no one used their services cause we had no clue why should we 😅 The only thing I remember is them running some entertaining test once or twice. That was it. If I knew things I've learned on youtube it would save me more than 10 years. I'm sure my self-esteem, relationships and life in general would be completely different. Such a shame. I'm very thankful that dr. Honda provides all this information and I can educate myself. Slowly but surely my life is changing and my relationships are improving. I'm learning how to communicate in a completely different way, how to express my emotions and needs. And I finally felt like I'm able to reach out for help and now I'm in therapy! Dr. Honda is a huge inspiration for this decision. I was watching him being so gentle, understanding and non judgmental and I felt like I want this type of energy in my life. So it's been 4 sessions. I went to 2 therapists and picked 1 for now. Starting this year strong 💪

[@medzidaselimovic32]

We actually have psychology in high school in my country! It is just one year class, but that's still better than none I guess 🤷‍♀️

[@AlphaMom55]

Same in many schools in the US.

[@M1dn1ght999]

He got on the plane without talking and now he’s home he wants to talk. She tried so hard at the airport I don’t blame her for not wanting to talk now.

[@miahershkowitz2632]

I find it hard to take a leap because of a massive fear of rejection.

[@dee...]

I empathise. That fear can be overwhelming. Therapy can really, really help with that. Also, just wanted to share something from my experience: If you're able to communicate that you're afraid of being rejected (as a first step into vulnerability), that might be enough for your loved one to show you the support you need so that you can build trust together. My therapist helped me learn that. It's a challenging process though, so please be gentle with yourself.

[@miahershkowitz2632]

@@dee... thank you for such a thoughtful response. It is insightful and very helpful and very kind! I will try and be more mindful of communicating my fear of rejection. Thank you for taking the time to respond!

[@yourexptravel7838]

This way to talk to each other, I also NEVER heard of that before.. As a kid, all I knew and saw around me was this Mike's behaviour.. Getting quiet, shut down and being upset all days, months long.. Thats what I got from my house.. Years later, when I moved out from my country, I saw a differnt example how to communicate.. Still, not what Dr Honda tells us, but better than from the one I experienced during my childhood.. To be frank , it is so so risky to plainly say to someone "this is how I feel: a, b, c.." 😲.. But, in its simplicity, it is the most direct and powerful weapon where I am in the control of my state and the same time, I'm giving the chance to others to take care of the situation and make a plain and clear response to that.. It is genius. 👍

[@krystalroney]

I find it fascinating that I see this couple differently than Dr. Honda. I feel like he's apprehensive about being vulnerable because of the way she reacts to their conflicts. For example, when Mike asked about Natalie going running with her ex. She flipped OUT lol. I feel like he's used to her freaking out and thus, he isn't very open with his feelings and expressing it. She seems to be very hurtful towards him disproportionately.

[@camillemayers103]

They are not in the typical beginning of a viable relationship. They are deciding whether to marry in 90 days. She is terrorizing him for a baby, temperance, kicking his family out of the home and religious conversion--but she does not know if she loves him? Come on Mike. You don't seem to be stupid. That network check can't be worth all of this. Ridiculous!

[@bixler3463]

Apparently the uncle is pretty disturbed and has quite the criminal record.. in that I share what Natalie want

[@monchiquita25]

yeah the uncle has some significant charges around abuse/assault so don't blame her for not wanting him to be home with her.

[@Meeexpxp]

Probably just me: after hearing Dr Honda talk about this I suddenly thought how cool would it be if he reacted to the show Big Mouth on Netflix? Hear me out He talks about being in a home with conflict that can lead to less then ideal attachment styles when you are older right? So would it be true that lack of good modeling can also lead to a lack of self when older? I think of main character Andrew, growing up in a home with less positivity modeled, has less identification of self and also more "toxic masculinity" vs his friend Nick who was raised by two parents that outwardly show love and positive modeling. He's way more chill and mature in a positive way. Thanks to anyone that read this far! Cheers

[@michaelsotomayor5001]

After being a Dr. Kirk subscriber.. any woman I marry, if I ever do, I'm definitely putting therapy down on the table.. It's crazy to see how difficult marriage really is. Dr. Kirk could you give insight.. how were marriages surviving 100 years ago? Did things change in a centuries time when it comes to marriages? Do you feel whatever shift we've taken has it been a good balance or has it made it more difficult?

[@dee...]

Just speculation based on what I learned way back in high school history: Marriages probably survived 100 years ago because women had absolutely no power and no legal claim over their children or their possessions. If they divorced their husband they would be destitute, lose their children and likely be shunned by their religious circle and their community. I'm going to guess that the more rights women gained through the years, the higher the divorce rate was because they finally had the financial and legal freedom to be independent (and not lose their kids).

[@kadib93]

me! 🙋🏿‍♀️ I’ve never heard anyone talk the way you subject either!!! you have changed my life…and i’m trying to change the life of those i encounter. 💝✨

[@asunnywebb]

I don't think they actually worked anything out. And that's why they are where they are now. They need therapy before it's too late.

[@francesfehrman741]

It won't help. She's to gone....... let's talk to her x husband's....there version of Natalie. Why did they marry her, than divorce.

[@hopebullard460]

In school, we need to teach I sentences! I try to teach my students this. I feel, I need, I want! When people respond this way it takes blame off of the other person! Oy vey! I feel for Mike. But he needs to be very direct with her. I felt hurt when you said that you don't love me on camera!

[@christinabeck9316]

“I statements”. I was teaching this 20+ yrs ago when I taught 5th grade.

[@hopebullard460]

@@christinabeck9316 that's wonderful! I wish more teachers and schools would!

[@vanisher49]

I'm not a therapist but a keen learner of attachment theory and the dynamic between Natalie and Mike looks very similar to that of a dismissive and fearful avoidant. Mike is clearly dismissive, which triggers Natalie's anxiety and she tries to reach out but when she doesn't feel safe enough she shuts down and dismisses him back. Like Dr. Honda said, it's very hard to watch this because neither of them are being truly vulnerable.

[@naomikeenan951]

My parents were child psychologists and I feel like healthy communication was modeled and practiced always. The dynamic was very healthy and I’ve learned that it’s rare to see. I devolved into becoming a hard core drug addict for like fifteen years and I don’t know if there’s trauma to blame.

[@kitunia474]

as a slavic woman I gotta say that in my and, probably Natalies, culture the word “love” feels 1000x heavier than in us-ian culture. Here we say it exclusively to your family/very long term relationship. It usually wouldn’t happen with long distance couples if they haven’t spent at least 4 months in the same city, meeting up irl and getting to know each other. Otherwise is considered “weird”. If you hear “i love you” it’s usually really powerful and holds a lot of weight. But that’s just my experience!!

[@smallbeginning2]

Dr Kirk if you think these kinds of things are hard to watch, don't ever come to one of our family get togethers 🤣

[@heatherpalma2816]

Dr. Kirk, I am usually leaving your videos with thoughts and all but there are 2 things I have noticed in regards to the video today. First, why do schools have to be responsible for modeling healthy behavior such as communication? Do you know what teaching is like in the K-12 system? Some adults that teach in the system (including admins) do not know how to have healthy communication either. A few admins rely on subtleties, body language, and unspoken words to communicate with the faculty and staff. So for a teacher to model healthy communication has to be a country-wide change. Second, when I watch your videos on Mike and Natalie, I find that you tend to favor Natalie's approach to the relationship versus Mike. Mike does have issues talking about feelings and he was really hurt when she couldn't say that she loved him in front of people. Obviously, we do not know what was said before cameras were turned on, but it seems much was said beforehand. Natalie does say some mean things, her throwing the ring, and her behavior towards him before he left Ukraine made Mike put up a wall.

[@Sunshine-uz4cx]

Tgis couple is something else))))) She doesn’t love him but in rush to make children ))))) comedy club)))

[@sashaluq]

excellent point.. he's getting mixed signals. Hot n cold

[@paulapierrot9542]

Are there other viewers/listeners who sometimes think about the complicated or vulnerable situations of their dating life, imagine it happened in a reality TV show and wonder how Dr. Kirk would react to that? (Also: Is it weird to have daydreams like that and how can we make something productive with them?)

[@mackbee24]

Absolutely!! And my partner overhears the show and sometimes says what he thinks "that psychologist guy on KZbin" would say about our conversation (usually congratulating us when conflict resolution goes well 😂 - "two thumbs up")

[@sweetpotatochipk]

i have been WAITING for this

[@MelanitaVilla]

Me too!

[@Peeegoska]

It's true, saying how I feel to someone is too hard. Way harder then it should be.

[@laurarussell9354]

Yes, improve the world with early emotional education. Thank you!

[@sarahisbell1918]

I just wish you or someone like you and some group of creators could create educational mental health shows or games for children or even people of all ages. Just help people understand the dos and don’ts. You just describe the complexities of mental health so kindly and well. It would just be great if people could understand each other better.

[@bellagarzia9653]

This couple is particularly triggering for me because they remind me of me and my bf. When we get i to even the smallest of disagreements he’ll just completely shut down, leaving me to try and fix the solution for both of us. It can be very frustrating at times but I have my faults too, and we’re working on them.

[@ladyapollo777]

Dr. Honda I’m a new subscriber to your channel and have been watching you for a couple months now. I’ve been a 90 day fiancé fan for about 2 years but have gone back and watched all the past seasons too during this COVID nightmare. In addition I have found Smothered which I saw your few posts on, wishing you had addressed each set of moms and daughters and each episode in their seasons. I also really wish you would also do that for the new TLC Series “I’m in love with a mama’s boy”. I find your posts almost always very interesting and on point and often concur with you 100%, however I don’t at all when it comes to Mike and Natalie because it really feels like you have a bias towards Natalie, continually excusing her crazy and childish, selfish, spoiled, & manipulative behavior, while constantly dogging and criticizing Mike. I feel like Mike is a super nice guy, boring AF but nice and I feel like he is articulate in communicating his feelings with her even if his attitude & demeanor appear uninterested, aloof and cold, which I think stem from the absolute frustration in dealing with Natalie who is USUALLY Ridiculous and Impossible to satisfy leaving him feeling defeated and heartbroken and that is what he is showing on the show, in my opinion. I am very curious why you ALWAYS seem to be on Natalie’s side & give her disturbing behavior so many passes?

[@adkjani1]

Total speculation: A lack of talent in the Seahawks secondary caused the team's disappointing early playoff exit.

[@emiyo4635]

So now we know why she said she did not love him. His Ex sent him naked photos one week before the trip to Keiv and he saved all those naked photos on his phone. Very trustworthy.

[@OksanaOksana1]

omfg we need such education in Russia. I'm 10 years in therapy and all i see around ignorant people with unrealistic thinking about human nature and how we function. We need it badly, we people change the hworld become a better and a safer place

[@blackjaguarink]

Thanks Dr. Honda for your effort and amazing work!! 🙏🏼🙏🏼 Watching/ Listening to it everyday and learning a lot from it!!! 🙏🏼❤️ Anyone else here who would love to see/ listen to Dr. Honda creating an analysis of the psychology in the mini series "The Undoing" 😀? I think it would be amazing especially cause the main character (played by Nicole Kidman) is also a psychologist and married to a psychopath as later comes out. Cheers dear all, stay safe ❤️

[@VeroRochaEscorcio]

Ugh ARE YOU IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER? Natalie and Mike look at each other "You answer first" "No, you answer first." This is annoying and frustrating. And btw Natalie, Mike IS a good guy. Stop saying he's "acting" like a good guy

[@liz_suh]

I was wondering when Dr. Kirk was going to wear some Seattle Seahawks swag. All my Seattle friends are all about the Seahawks.

[@habeashumor9814]

Who else heard “I’m 50% to love” and thought... 😯😃... song title!

[@lenam6697]

I suggest we channel our inner Azan and make it, like, 55% instead 😁

[@dee...]

@@lenam6697 lol true

[@habeashumor9814]

@@lenam6697 😸😸😸😸😸😸

[@joebanks8075]

Allegedly Mike is now dating her aunt. They have a bunch of pictures together

[@monchiquita25]

🤔 let's say that with regards to spoilers, he is not with her aunt.

[@claraholcomb3421]

She thinks she will change him into what she wants and has no thoughts for him and on the new season she thinks he is low class and likes to taunt him she doesn't love him or even care for him it's all about her.

[@terminaltvshow]

Band name = 50% to Love

[@francesfehrman741]

He pushed her, where did she get this. She has turned everything around blaming him. She is to blame, she won't take her account of her actions. Watch past scenes. Your fault Natalie!!!! he's trying to please you. Your fault Natalie.

[@suelawson7273]

I thought like poor Dr K looked upset at the end. It made me feel sad too 😪

[@Doreana48501]

Nathalie still shows no remorse for hurting Mike so now at least Mike's got her # and exactly how she will treat him in the future. If he stays with her It's at this point I start looking at the other partner to see what it is about Mike who allows Nathalie to abuse him and hands over the power to her to break his heart into a million pieces.

[@CamaraHill]

Loving the shirt

[@jessa.4529]

Ok but "Listen Linda" when your partner is like Mike, it gets tiring to always be the vulnerable one first. I'm team Natalie on this one.

[@spongy_mothra]

So I just learned Nicole Byer has a podcast called 90 Day Bae, and another called Why Won't You Date Me, and I have never wanted a crossover more. Can we please make this happen???

[@renees.2013]

50% To Love is a great band name.

[@LilPotatoz]

I think Natalie wants Mike to be more courageous with his behaviour (i.e. more vulnerable) and Mike thinks that this specific wish of Natalie’s is childish, when he is doing his best to be stoic and ‘man-like’ already. Just a guess. If it’s true, it’s a very sad clusterfuck despite the genuine affection and care two people initially had for each other.

[@emeraldpilgrimfireuma]

Natalie should have Mike repeat the word "borscht" until he gets it right.

[@OksanaOksana1]

antway its really hard to work in relationship if both of them having troubles within themselves, they both need individual therapy.

[@needva5512]

'She's just not that into him'. She hopes he can provide better prospects .,

[@honeyblueberrie6880]

oh wow this is the quickest I’ve ever been to a KZbin video...

[@dancedanceCRASH]

Mike is Eeyore personified

[@daeneryslilac6147]

Natalie i can see shes a good person but sometimes she just throws this little jabs that im never sure if its just a jab or some form of manipulation or what and im.left confused so i cant imagine how confused Mike is. I think she shouldve just tried it with someone with the same religion as her instead of forcing someone to change.

[@brittneylyntalks]

Why do you use their old content but the others new episodes?

[@mariek.474]

He starts from the beginning for each couple ! He went back a lot for Darcey for example

[@lorenza696]

He went back to the beginning of this couple to have a better understanding of their dynamic. He did the same with Tarik & Hazel. The other couples are new to the franchise

[@brittneylyntalks]

@@lorenza696 ahh thank you!!!

[@brittneylyntalks]

I’ve been so confused lol

[@lorenza696]

@@brittneylyntalks you're welcome. He'll get the new episodes soon enough. I'd say by next week for sure if he keeps at the current pace 😊

[@VG-ul5sq]

Sea wall?

[@ScanMan1967]

He acts like such a sad sack. Always wallowing in his misery. I'm willing to bet he did not have a strong father figure if a father at all.

[@Janopooh]

Mike is such a freaking baby, good grief grow up.

[@edenferriss768]

Mike's voice is so annoying and dare I use the overused term "triggering" to me. But wait. Her voice initiates the same discomfort in me. This couple is unwatchable now. The mother-in-law is just added nastiness. I want them to get help and just go away already.

[@emeraldpilgrimfireuma]

For all the 90 day couples, I admire the strength of the women.