Abbi Jacobson's "weird" coming out story | Design Matters with Debbie Millman

[@feather151278]

Never heard of Abbi before A League of their own. I feel like I have been deprived of years knowing this awesome person.

[@rossen8384]

Yes, me too!

[@ajrosales5124]

same 😭

[@christinemella2688]

Go back and watch Broad City with her and Ilana Glazer. Hilarious.

[@boixgenius]

Please watch Broad City!! She's such a fucking amazing creator

[@feather151278]

@@christinemella2688 I would, but I don't know where to watch it (find it) in Australia.

[@sidewalksurf800]

I refused to “come out” - I just let people know I had a wonderful new relationship. They found out she was a woman if they asked about her.

[@marlyannefreire]

Me two, I never really understood why I need to say anything, to me, to my experience didn't make any sense

[@marieke6687]

I love the way Tig Notaro “came out”. She came home one day and was like ‘mom, dad, meet my new boyfriend, her name is …’ Coming out is such a weird thing. Why do queer people have to say something about their sexuality while straight people don’t?

[@josepha133]

That sounds so empowering. I'm taking notes.

[@stephanierichardson2757]

I’d do this but I’m never going to have a girlfriend 🥹

[@marieke6687]

@@stephanierichardson2757 same 😂

[@eastvandb]

I think for an earlier generation, coming out was both a political thing (as Harvey Milk said when he urged people to come out - quote below) and a rite of passage. I remember a straight woman friend wishing she had a ritual like that. There's something encouraging about the idea that it's maybe no longer necessary. Here's the Milk quote. "Gay brothers and sisters, you must come out. Come out to your parents. I know that it is hard and will hurt them, but think about how they will hurt you in the voting booth! Come out to your relatives. Come out to your friends, if indeed they are your friends. Come out to your neighbors, to your fellow workers, to the people who work where you eat and shop. Come out only to the people you know, and who know you, not to anyone else. But once and for all, break down the myths. Destroy the lies and distortions. For your sake. For their sake."

[@TheBiggestMoronYouKnow]

it's not a good thing, idk why straights re so bigotes "i wish i had oppression too" such a f*cking mayo

[@eastvandb]

@@TheBiggestMoronYouKnow She wasn't asking for oppression too. She was recognizing a meaningful life ritual.

[@adrienne41]

I came out as soon as I realized it myself….I was 35. Sometimes it takes a while to shake off family/society expectations and just live your own life.

[@loveislove5379]

You're incredibly brave! I'm 31, realised I'm into women after marriage....it's so difficult to come out now. Wish I could just be myself ! Everyday is hard...Anyway very happy for you 👍🏻🙂

[@adrienne41]

@@loveislove5379 I completely understand. I was married when I realized it was likely I was into women. I was fortunate to be married to someone that I could talk to about anything and he agreed to allow me to explore that part of myself. I could not have predicted one experience with a woman would fundamentally change the way I viewed everything. He was heartbroken when I explained to him I couldn’t stay with him. I was honest and followed my heart. I am forever grateful to him that he did not hold me back and was supportive. I wish you all the best. It is not easy at that stage.

[@psplayer1344]

So I could realize I'm gay next year?

[@jennyhong6746]

This is fascinating to me to hear of people who discovered their attraction later in life. Was it that you are bi or just because of societal programming? I knew I was gay at age 4 and then definitely it was confirmed when I saw this cute classmate across from me in 1st grade. Spent years hiding it.

[@homeland1128]

sometimes it takes forever, Literally (im talkin about me)

[@torakunoichi]

I appreciate the host saying if you’re comfortable too many hosts don’t ask if the person they’re talking too is happy or comfortable to talk about coming out or being queer I do love abbi and not just for a league of their own, she also voiced bean on disenchantment

[@alexispaige9703]

As a bi woman who has not yet had a relationship with a woman (or anyone in past few years), it’s not that I haven’t “come out” it’s just not a big deal to me and nobody has asked full on. Friends know I’ve had hookups but I don’t feel any need to make any announcement. Ask. I’ll tell ya.

[@TheBiggestMoronYouKnow]

it's cool you're privileged like that :) others aren't so much

[@lmccahill45]

My cousin Tom said fuck it all and "came out" on a post it note that he put on his laptop 💻. He is such a hero to me.

[@rarad.3793]

She is so genuinely adorable and endearing... even just her voice , I love it and I find myself captivated and beguiled by her and I have yet to watch most of her performances

[@tubester4567]

If she talking about her faith, or her family you probably wouldnt find her adorable or endearing.

[@rarad.3793]

@@tubester4567 relax negative 🤭

[@justmeldaydreaming]

I came out at 27 because I felt I was lying to myself. And that was the moment I was more comfortable, not only to tell other people but also to accept it myself. But there's still people, some family aswell, that do not know and I am not gonna tell. Like I don't feel I should. I'm just living my life. So I get what she's saying. I don"t think we should have to 'out' ourselves.

[@tubester4567]

Nobody expects gay people to come out except other gay people. Straight people dont feel the need to inform everybody about their sexual proclivities, gay people shouldnt either. Its kind of weird, Im around 50 and I dont know anyone personally who has "come out" but I have seen literally thousands of people come out in the media. Its seems gay people only exist in media and entertainment.

[@justmeldaydreaming]

@@tubester4567 Sexual proclivities? And only in the media? Sounds like you have no idea what you're talking about other than a 'don't wanna know, then it doesn't exist attitude'. So when someone straight announces they get married. That announcement alone you would say; I don't wanna know about your sexual proclivities? No you don't because that's being cheered and considered normal to you.

[@tubester4567]

@@justmeldaydreaming Marriage is about celebrating the union of 2 people, its not about what kind of sex they will have. Gay people can get married too. (At least in many western countries) Thats different to coming out.

[@jennifermcgrath4892]

Abbey you are honest and sweet.

[@Boricua3lions1985]

No lie, I met Abbi and Ilana earlier this year. Honestly to Christ, they are some of the nicest people I’ve ever met. Laid back and just really fun to speak to. It was an amazing experience and a brilliant way to start the year.

[@elliemyers6435]

Love this....and Abbi is SUCH a catch...the person doing that interview is right...So smart, funny, witty...Just absolutely awesome!!! Love her!!!

[@randomsisters06]

Abbi is far greater than a catch, she’s the whole bay

[@luzinesc2844]

IMHO, the thing about coming out being essential and creating some kind of comotion is that unfortunately this is still a privilege...I mean, there are hundreds or even millions of women that cannot experience this, so when a public figure does It, is like🤯 and I still think this would be relevant in decades to come🥺

[@somanypetals]

Me 🤝 Abbi Dylan’s “I had a very Ryan Murphy coming out” had me cackling though, that really does paint a perfect picture

[@canuckgirl1624]

Yep, she’s a catch!

[@mishlake1]

Some research says that coming out used to mean coming out to other people in queer society, like a coming out ball, not coming out to straight people. I like that much more.

[@maxineheadroom]

I never came out. My family was mad. I didn't feel a need to, while also not hiding anything.

[@jennifermcgrath4892]

I'm 37 when I came out

[@__delroc]

that's cool

[@Mtnsunshine]

Yep, I was 33.

[@loveislove5379]

Wow this gives me hope! I'm 31, married and still struggling to tell my family and husband I'm a lesbian. I hope I can someday.

[@__delroc]

@@loveislove5379 I hope someday you can live the life you desire and look back at this comment with nothing but a smile. I'm sending you lots of hugs!

[@loveislove5379]

@@__delroc Thank you so much... This means a lot 🙏🏻 😭 Really 😭

[@littlefurnace]

On the one hand i get that famous people are just people and the wish to not have to come out is completely human, but on the other hand, we NEVER reached the point in society where actually coming out was just...not a big deal? So i get mad that people want to skip that moment in society where we go 'i'm queer' and someone goes 'oh cool', and instead move to the part where people just...don't come out. There are still kids who HAVE to come out, and they're still dealing with being verbally abused, kicked out, even physically harmed, and i get so frustrated that the people with the biggest platforms just refuse to use that platform to normalize queerness by SAYING IT OUT LOUD. Sigh. I know, they're just people. But who else is going to do it?

[@littlefurnace]

@@butt.whytho My guy, did you read what i just said? There is no 'letting it come up naturally'. Straight people will never see it as natural until they are confronted by people TELLING them enough times that they start remembering it's a possibility. Then maybe we can stop 'announcing it'.

[@sharonfieldstone]

@@littlefurnace I get it, too. They are right that we shouldn't have to when our straight peers don't. But same sex marriage was legalized in the States *seven years ago* , and there are people on the court right now who want to roll it back. Queer youth still face significantly higher rates of bullying, homelessness, and su*c*de, especially in communities of color. Queer people still face higher rates of physical violence. I don't think people should *have* to come out, but it does really grind my gears when people suggest it's doesn't serve a purpose anymore. I'd love it if we were in that future where it doesn't matter, and I do acknowledge that we've made significant strides, but we still have a ways to go and I think a lot of people in their higher-class bubble forget how fraught things still are for a lot of people.

[@MLeeT21]

@@littlefurnace I don’t know Id agree with this. For straight people not announcing your sexuality is the normal/natural thing to do.

[@littlefurnace]

@@MLeeT21 yes it is, so when people don't announce their sexuality people assume you're straight. Allowing people to assume everyone is straight means that nothing ever changes

[@MLeeT21]

@@littlefurnace Now there’s this expectation for queer people to announce it. If someone casually comes out to a straight person by just dropping the name of the person they’re dating then straight people start realizing not all queer people make some big announcement and sets more of a president of not assuming sexualities. When it’s not treated like a big deal people stop caring so much either way.

[@myralove1651]

Way back in the 1970s one of the editors of the journal "Lesbian Tide" complained about the necessity of coming out, saying, "Let straight people come out to us!" Kind of interesting that the same issue is current.

[@Griefzzz]

Definitely needed a TED talk

[@boozoochamp]

Kinda same way one day my “friend” was just introduced as my fiancé and then wife and I didn’t announce it I just was. It wasn’t and then it was.

[@AnaGarcia-bb7qj]

I feel that my biggest reason for not coming out is that I am 37 years old and I am very embarrassed that people find out that until now I realize it, because I have truly realized it like 1 year ago and I feel stupid, the other reason is I don't have a girlfriend, 🤡 😩

[@llbrown34]

I am so sorry you feel that way. Please know that in the LGBTQ community you will find SO MANY stories just like yours. And the majority of us support and cheer YOU happily! It does not matter when you come out. Everyone's circumstance is different.

[@floopajoopa]

you will know when it's the right time ❤ but don't wait for other people to make you feel ready. it comes from within

[@Goldenboobooboo]

It's never too late. It also doesn't take 2 to be gay. Self knowledge is coming to terms with personal truths, and we never stop learning , growing and transitioning.

[@amyg8176]

Read through the comments here babe

[@Pinetree282]

There’s a podcast for you! “Lesbian Chronicles”. I think one “comes out” when that is easier than “not coming out”. 37 is still young. Good luck!

[@maryalthene]

@Brooke Fraser yeah, me too. Thanks TED for interviewing her. 😍🌈

[@Amy-jb7ix]

It seems like I always have to sort of come out periodically because people want to see if my preferences have changed.

[@LRG4]

Same. But in my case it's because i have the opportunity to date mostly guys so people assume I'm straight

[@daenitarthtag6409]

I came out at 15yo I now don’t bother if you know you know and if you don’t then 🤷🏻‍♀️ I turn 38yo in December 🥳

[@sorreljaclyn]

I LOVE Broad City. I've watched it all & when I need cheering up, I put clips of it on KZbin. I constantly "do an Abbi" by shouting "Dooooooiiiieeeey!". And I find it hilariously ironic that you play the straight woman, comedy wise. And that Illana constantly tries to get a 3 way or something going with your character in the show. There's not enough female stoner representation, you're bloody trailblazers well done. Love ya. I wish I could make a friend like you gals ✌️

[@allyjay7395]

I didn't know that either but anyway! When is Disenchanted s4 coming out!? We need more Tiabeanie!

[@klausrostock4163]

Can we get more of Broad City!!!!

[@monicajohnson1985]

I aspired to be ilana and felt automatically like i wash abbi when i saw broad city contemporaneous to airing. After watching this, i aspire to be abbi because i came out only a couple years ago

[@organize1979]

I luv herrr!

[@shrutidesai907]

anyone know where i can those boots she's wearing??

[@TasmanianTigerGrrr]

Abbi do you have any insight on why Sir Turbish was not allowed to attend the orgy?

[@LisaTCanada]

Who is Debbie Millman?

[@KatieBadenhorst]

Visibility is strength. "Coming out" is still as necessary as ever. It doesn't matter whether that takes the form of an announcement, being visibly queer, or openly in a gay relationship.

[@Aced84]

I never did because of this reason. I just brought boyfriends around. And if my family had a problem with it, it’s their problem. They would have meetings about me but would never directly talk to me about it lol

[@saintmichel3186]

who’s interviewing who here?

[@bluedreamer6564]

I love Abbi's perspectives and approaches, in comparison to Ilana's.

[@coffeeaddictexpress5038]

When I say queen you bean! Queen...........

[@seesamsaw]

I came out by filling out my orientation on my MySpace page. Easy

[@hineskittvelvett198]

Gotta keep up with those trends.

[@annclancy6783]

Not only is she a “catch” she got “caught” she engaged to Jodie Balfour

[@biddnoro2736]

I never fuq’n did. Their assumptions is not my problem.

[@Chainsmoker65]

Bean?

[@jenniferbarney7952]

Who said anyone needed to know someone was queer? I don't.

[@macey463]

coming out is very western society

[@amyjones4744]

genuine question - what is it like in non-Westernised societies/cultures?

[@shel46579]

Macey, Coming out or not is a sin against God.

[@TheBiggestMoronYouKnow]

@@tessalee6253 where? lmao sex work is popular world wide hunny, be smart, think before you type ;)

[@aliservan7188]

She came out? But everyone knew. She's right, it's weird

[@maradavis2777]

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

[@애계인]

bean? is that you?

[@zzzcocopepe]

Ok at first im like.... is she ACTUALLY gay or is she just kinda gay adjacent or open to drunken experimentation, etc. Because im a huge fan of hers and I had no idea. I mean... broad city, they are really open ended with a lot of identity questions. So I never really knew. Anyway I did a quick Google and she's been in a relationship with a woman for 2 years. Wtf. Now im furious that I didn't know. Lol. I guess she wanted to keep it private

[@madelinem9452]

Yeah she definitely hinted at it when she was dating the female doctor on Broad City so that pretty much confirmed it for me lol. But yeah her and her current gf (fiance) were super private until they announced their engagement! Super happy for her

[@zzzcocopepe]

@@madelinem9452 when did she hint that? i dont even remember that character

[@madelinem9452]

@@zzzcocopepe i forgot what season/episode it was but Clea Duvall guest starred and she played a doctor, and Abbi's character was flirting with her and they ended up dating. I know her character isn't really her necessarily but I got the vibe that they had her date a woman for a reason.....and I ended up being right lmao!

[@zzzcocopepe]

@@madelinem9452 oh! thanks! i love clea duvall

[@sidewalksurf800]

Y’all know she is engaged already right lol. Keep up!

[@fanvideostv3995]

Wait wait wait that man is 34

[@doge8511]

Right

[@danielwallace1354]

Is it weird that I’m straight and like lesbians?

[@nbadraft08]

To the queers I ask just one question….why don’t you feel obligated to come out? I know it’s not fair. That doesn’t mean it’s not the right thing to do. We’re still hundreds of years away from it being normal, what you’re seeking. Meaning it just being regular stuff that you are what you are. But the more people that don’t come out publicly now adds decades and centuries onto that eventuality. I’m assuming it’s infuriating that that’s the way things are, but it truly is. Many people have died for the rights we all enjoy, but also many have died for the rights you specifically enjoy. Were I queer, I’d view myself as duty-bound to be out in order to play my role, however big or small, in the pursuit of justice, equality, and, eventually, being queer just being run of the mill normal stuff. I’m sure this won’t be well received, but it’s my view of what is true.

[@transformerstuff7029]

lmao she had to come out? whahahahahaha kinda obvious one.

[@jamiescowboys]

still a great actress

[@bluenightsky]

Is a great actress. There, I fixed it for you.

[@jamiescowboys]

@@bluenightsky wow really were in fuckin english class like i give a shit i dont need it fixed btw

[@evilregal5382]

why “still”?

[@smolkinv5121]

Abbi being gay is not a flaw or something to overlook, grow tf up

[@Pinetree282]

Funny. When I came out 42 years ago, I would often get that. “I still like you.” “I still think you are a good person.” So much meaning in that one small word. The other thing I’d hear from family and friends and co-workers was “Thank you for trusting me.” I never said it, but what I was thinking was, “Actually. I’m at a point in my life where if you walked away, I’d be fine. The ball is in your court. Call, don’t call.” Also I always try to normalize saying I’m a lesbian. Even now. If I act like it’s something to be ashamed of, why expect the heterosexual community to think otherwise. We HAVE come so far, yet...

[@dizmop]

do people still care about this?

[@6la6ni6]

[@ltpvs]

Only gen z thinks coming out is weird. Which i guess is a good thing? Normalization? But it's weird to hear younger people say these things. Generation gap!

[@misha2k6]

It’s weird how two people can talk for minutes and not actually say anything.

[@dcxxxx]

Lots of crossed legs in this vid. 🙄

[@lostforever773]

And

[@shel46579]

You aren't what you think you are. God didn't make guys for guys or gals for gals. You don't want to stand before Jesus and give an account before an angry God.

[@biclexual]

No idea how anyone could claim homosexuality or queerness isn't real when there's so many people who identify as such. Going against hundreds of thousands of people's lived experiences just because you read it in a book once? 😂

[@hayleyspringer]

🙄🙄🙄

[@kellypat125]

What's wrong with being gay though? Plus, God made people gay, they didn't choose it.

[@killdianette]

Lol, oh Sheldon, you're so funny

[@EternalDensity]

Nah God's gonna be upset about people not helping the needy, being selfish and cruel and hateful, and at people claiming to speak in his name while driving people away because of their prejudice.