How To Be Kind To Someone With An Addiction Without Enabling

How do you show empathy, kindness, and support to someone struggling with addiction without enabling them? This video explores the line between support and enabling.
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[@erinmacadams8677]

Thanks!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Wow! Thank you so much Erin!!!!!! 💖💖💖💖💝💝

[@audreyannaobrion178]

When my husband is puking sick and shaking in the morning from withdrawals, I'm just sweet and loving to him. This way he is seeing his pain, and not defensive toward me. It has worked. He is seeing his problem, and seeing me as the Good Guy.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Love that! I'm giving you an A++++++++! 🤩

[@sue9994]

This is great. However, with the craft approach, I thought that when a loved one was going through withdrawal, we step away. I suppose we can step away and be sweet about it but I’m just wondering.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

@@sue9994 the craft approach isn’t really about dealing with a person in withdrawal. It’s about getting someone to take steps toward recovery

[@deborahstarman9874]

That's hard for both of you.

[@steinarjonsson_]

I think what you're doing is 100% the best thing that you could do to help him, reminding him through your acts of kindness that you're on his team. I think he's lucky to have you!

[@renatadolata7904]

Another thing that can help you show kindness to your addicted loved one is the awareness addiction is potentially fatal. Your loved one can die from it. Any conversation you have might be the last one ever. That's what happened to me. My 24 year old daughter overdosed in April, alone in her apartment, Naloxone in her purse. Ten years of struggle. Long story. She left me beyond heartbroken, she was my only child. The last time I saw her was not a good visit; She probably wanted to be alone and she changed her mind about the visit despite the plans we had and literally asked me to leave (200 km drive). But the last thing I said to her was "I love you". I am not sure how to go on. I would gladly go back to the madness if I could get her back. As long as one lives there is hope.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

That's a very good reminder that we all need to hear! Thank you for that, Renata!💗

[@laurieriek6444]

Love and prayers to you.

[@jacquelinehunt7794]

The last conversation I had with my sister I begged her to stop or she would die she replied maybe I want to die she passed five weeks later I’m heartbroken.

[@jacquelinehunt7794]

The last time I spoke to my sister she was so drunk she didn’t know my voice I lost it and shouted if you don’t stop your going to die she replied well maybe I want to die I told her I loved her with all my heart and kept reapeating that she just kept going on about her tv not working because she had messed the controls up as usual later that day she sent me a couple of text messages saying our mum didn’t care about her and she’s all our brother which is true once again I told her mum loved her to bits we all do I felt a lot of guilt when she passed but I was very close to her and miss her but their was nothing I could do I could not fix her she had sober times so I know she could control it when she wanted to I think she gave up she drank about 20 bottles of vodka and basically killed herself.

[@mireilleluciesimon]

I am so sorry to hear that your daughter died. Sending you love

[@ginabevilacqua860]

This is exactly what I was struggling with! I did not want my partner to think I am ok with his addiction by being positive and supportive! Where’s that fine line? Thank you for this!!!! I needed the reminder that I am right on track. And, I can tell you that things are way better between us with MY change of perspective, empathy and support.

[@jenny-fn3if]

This video was very eye opening. I realized that I have been doing it so much wrong with my adult daughter . I’m so desperately trying to learn . Thank you for all the videos that you share

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You're so welcome!

[@jacquelinehunt7794]

None of us know what to do and really their is nothing we can do.

[@deborahstarman9874]

It's great that you state that recognizing that they have a problem is in and of itself a big step. I love responding with kindness and empathy. Being harsh doesn't help anyone. It escalates everything, always.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I totally agree!

[@jacquelinehunt7794]

I was kind and caring to my sister and listened patiently to her ranting and now that she has passed away I’m glad I was kind I still felt guilty at first though like I should have tried harder to help but I know the only person who could help was my sister herself.

[@lainywalker7058]

I’ve been trying this for a long time, very rare I lose my temper or react to his staying out drinking our money away, not coming home when he says, not doing any jobs round the farm even when I’m desperate for help, and I’m managing everything alone. He doesn’t want to change or stop even though he knows his health is affected and I’m being nice and not pressuring him whilst waiting for him to realise this can’t go on, I’ve come to the point where I just think it’s not going to happen he’s just going to carry on drinking whatever because he loves it so much, he’s not stupid he knows what it’s doing to him but ultimately wants to carry on. I love my life here and don’t want to leave but I don’t know how much more I can take

[@tonibissett4570]

When my spouse try's to bait me I tell him gently I'm not your enemy.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I love it. This is a great statement! 🤩🤩🤩

[@cynthiaamos1588]

44 yr old son has always been treated with love and kindness. never caused him of being alcoholic. He stops responding to us in all ways for months at a time. We he comes back into our life he wants $$

[@freshbeeef]

"Addiction is fueled by self-pity and resentment" I want that crocheted on a pillow. Thank you Amber ❤️

[@PutTheShovelDown]

My pleasure!

[@jacquelinehunt7794]

That’s so true my sister was very resentful and self absorbed I still loved her though and miss her everyday.

[@jacquelinehunt7794]

Amber is right it’s best to be kind to your addicted loved one because when they pass away it’s devastating and guilt is always their anyway.

[@Silentsister]

I've tried coming with kindness- just listening, not commenting. Then I'm told , " mom, you are so gullible ". When I call them out, "mom, you don't know me". I have literally thrown my hands up at this point- as you said "they'll be focusing on your choice". I focus on my self now. I think the key is what you said, " when they feel safe".... I'll keep it to that.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Well said!

[@jocaro4132]

I can't begin to tell you how grateful I am to have discovered you. Your videos and guidance has helped me so much.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Wow, thanks Jocaro! I’m so glad these videos are helpful😀

[@abbypalos6633]

I'm so angry and stressed because of what I'm going through with my boyfriends addiction. I have been screaming and fighting with him. It's been an emotional battle between us. I needed to hear this today.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

so glad this was helpful!

[@lucy_lala4049]

This has been heavy on my heart ever since I started watching your videos and began changing my reactions to his drinking. Thank you for posting this, it was much needed 🥺

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You got this!

[@tammyfitzgerald5336]

My poor baby boy this is killing me 🙏🏽💯💥🙌

[@wendellsego4078]

I've told my AW (while she's sober) that when she's drinking I'm going to retreat to the bedroom and watch tv or review some work projects. Sometimes I'll go about my day as normal and I'll be polite to her, but I limit my engagement with her when she's drinking.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

That sounds like a good plan!

[@user-oy1nc5hj2y]

Wish I had these “tool” with my husband years ago before our divorce. Now I am learning how to deal with my daughter now. Thank you

[@camiegrace]

I just lost it on my alcoholic best friend a couple days ago, and I’m not proud of it. We’ve had this struggle for a year of her going to the hospital multiple times, going through withdrawals, detox centers, rehab. She has classic liver failure symptoms and last time she was in the hospital her kidneys were barely able to function. Every single person in her life is ready to give up on her. A few people have enabled her along the way. I’ve had to take breaks from speaking to her for months at a time because I can’t deal with the constant lying and watching her waste away. But she called the other day, and things are pretty dire right now btw, and I don’t know what happened but I just answered the phone and started yelling at her. I feel bad now. It’s just been so hard trying to do everything you think might work to help someone and still watching them literally destroy themselves. It feels like she’s on a different planet and I can’t talk to the “real” her. I feel like I have mourned her so many times because she’s had so many moments where I thought I was going to lose her. I’m sad and exhausted.

[@pineapplep1]

Say the opono pono prayer over and over Im sorry Please forgive me i love you thank you.

[@michaelfreundlich3634]

very clear compassionate objective advice

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thank you, Michael!

[@autumn5252]

Needed to hear this! Over and over! Thank you. 💪❤️

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You are so welcome, Autumn.

[@selinahernandez9887]

Is it ok to let them know when they've done something that has hurt you? Just let them know as a PSA, and then just carry on as an independent person fighting co-dependancy? And is it ok to detach emotionally? I'm trying to figure out how to love well without needing love/emotional closeness back, because it hurts to much to receive and accept that closeness during the week when the weekend is coming.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

It's completly fine to let them know they hurt you. In fact, I suggest you do! I wouldn't hard on and on about it. I'd say it and then walk away, so it can sink in.

[@agopedro2671]

Great Information!! - KEEP SAVING LIVES!!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thanks, Ago!

[@jmomma0530]

Hi Amber. I really appreciate your videos. They have been helping me a lot. I was wondering if it would be possible for you to make a video about allowing yourself to feel your feelings as the loved one. My husband is an alcoholic, and has several other addictions as well. We have been together for 21 years and have 5 children. I asked for a separation 2 months ago because I was getting physically ill from the stress that living with his addictions was causing. We're doing a trial separation for 6 months, but are still very amicable. He's definitely not outwardly aggressive, but is very passive aggressive, to the point where I feel it at least bordered on abuse. I'm doing my best to self care and stay positive, but there are times when I just have to shut myself in my room for fear of letting my children see what I'm going through, or worse taking it out on them. It's making me feel extremely guilty. On top of that, I miss him so much. We're best friends and are truly in love. I'm definitely going to try your methods and be kind as much as possible. Was already headed there before separation, but didn't completely understand. You explain it beautifully so thank you. My friend tells me it's okay not to be okay, but I just feel so guilty. Any advice would be so much appreciated. Thank you.

[@jacquelinehunt7794]

The guilt is on him.

[@susansage7218]

Thank you so much for this Amber, very helpful!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

My pleasure, Susan, so glad this was helpful!😃

[@biancasuarezphillips4551]

So it's like dealing with a baby? Even if they are adults?

[@ReneeW-06]

Thanks you for the content you offer. It’s SO helpful! ❤

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Wow! Thanks Renee!! 💖💖💖💖😃😃😃

[@Therika7]

Excellent, thanks so much 😊

[@PutTheShovelDown]

My pleasure, Deena!

[@eleanorbrugger3739]

Learning so much Thank you

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You are so welcome

[@AMM3.]

Really great topic, helping vs enabling is so hard to balance, you just want to help- without making it worse! It's a lot easier to excuse any harm you might be causing others if their being a jerk... but if their being really nice and loving... It makes you feel like YOU'RE the only jerk around 😂 and it's hard to fight if nobody will fight with you... Leaving you to face the fight you have with your self

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Very wise words, AMM3!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

More on enabling: 👉 www.airbnb.com/rooms/19359576?check_in=2021-12-10&check_out=2021-12-12&guests=1&adults=1&s=67&unique_share_id=cb3c23d1-af71-4347-a2cd-92607a2eb9f1

[@GagaDebbie]

Thank you!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You're welcome!

[@ginnymay1842]

Hello💜 I am very empathetic by nature. I am trying to find the line between empathy and feeding his self pity. He uses self pity to manipulate me. He has recovery talk. But what is real or just telling me what I want to hear to shut me up and buy more time? Thank you for all your videos. I am learning so much.

[@jimmiegaskin7929]

Good information

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thanks Jimmi, I'm really glad you liked it!

[@whitecrayon6032]

Saying no most of the time ends the positive responses. I hold on as long as I can in patience but I know a question for something is coming and boom…. I say no and he’s angry :-( my adult son. I’ve found it tough to stay on the phone with him after this. It’s hard to hang up in love lol

[@tinaberry2012]

When my son became angry on the phone in the past I would react when anger too. I now calmly tell him that I am not going to listen to him if he talks to me in that way. I let him know I'm there for him but not as someone to be abused. I will then leave it a day or so and send a text to see how he is. Boundary in place to protect my reactions and to keep the relationship from going down the toilet x 🙏

[@vukbabovic5031]

Addiction is primarily a mindset - we are all addicted to something in the end . I generally agree with you, however - I have developed an insurmountable irritation with lazy and irresponsible people, and all kindness have ever brought me is loss of time, resources and lowering the bar for my standards. Addict's principle is the one of lack and self-victimization which are in essence imploding movements of the spirit. There is also an auto-immune mechanism of value substitution that can lead to damage to the environment and even develop into vampirism - for the lack of a better word. So I believe your strategy helps more when someone's addiction stems from some subconscious attempt in healing rather then auto-destructive cycle of a person that forgot the meaning/feeling of love and respect.

[@stephaniew4168]

Too many people in support groups are too quick to label wives as "enabling" or "codependent"- like this is my husband I'mtalking about and they expect you to just ignore them and focus on you and your child only. I'm new to this but those people drive me nuts - they also almost all say "rundon't walk away and never look back" when I discuss giving my husband a chance to heal. My reaction to finding out he is secretly drinking way too much has been strange - it has been to get closer to him and even our sex life is better. It seems so odd to me but it has been my instinct.

[@roxy7255]

My child’s father is now in prison after I took out an injunction he couldn’t turn up drunk at my home and then when he got kicked out of sober living homeless he turned up drunk anyway. Before when he relapsed I used to drive him to rehab but don’t want to spend the rest of my life doing that.. I don’t know if sending him an encouragement and photos would help motivate to get back on track when he’s released or whether that’s just enabling..

[@Skindeep2022]

my name is gord and i will be going to willis college in august. I will be taking the course to be a addiction counsellor and i was wondering if you have any vidoe's on that topic?

[@tonimarroy9219]

His addiction is happening more often. He refus to go to rehab. Getting a forced rehab is something we thinking. He was at our house and fell asleep. He started screaming in his sleep. When we went to see what was going on he was so out of it. At that time we couldn't talk to him. Now he's acting like he's fine.

[@steinarjonsson_]

I can't tell you what to do, but what I can say is; forcing people into rehab is a hopeless strategy.

[@kristinmurphy2031]

Please advise how to react when the addict (husband) decides to drink in front of you, or how to react the day after the addict drinks heavily, causing discomfort within the family. I naturally withdraw emotionally and am very angry for a period of time- not healthy for me or my kids. What would responding with empathy look like?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

That's a tough one. Sometimes we need to back up and give ourselves some space. The key here is trying not to act out in anger. Let them sit with their choices and the consequences.

[@Xrusha_]

I totally relate!! The next day I'm a wreck and just end up completely withdrawing, sometimes I can barely function and get through the day. In that moment the best thing we can do is have compassion for ourselves and give ourselves permission and space to have our feelings. It's only after I give myself that compassion that I can face him in a day or two with some empathy. Journal writing helps a lot too to get all that anger and resentment out.

[@janicerennie422]

I've been nice and I've been not nice. I've had to call law enforcement recently and that has created a really hostile situation for my son and me. No matter how patient I am now he is just hateful. It's hard -

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hey Janice, Even though I'm an advocate of being nice, please don't think I would ever want you to allow yourself to be treated terribly! It's okay to look out for yourself too!!!

[@sashaprettyeyes2052]

IM GOING THRU THAT NOW WITH MY BF OF 14 YRS. HE LIKES TO BRING UP THE 1 TIME I CALLED THE POLICE ON HIM 12 YRS AGO FOR HITTING ME.

[@steinarjonsson_]

Of course he's hateful towards you, the two of you are at war. You called the f*cking cops on him! It sounds to me like you may have some serious resentment towards him and he reacts accordingly. Perhaps you could try to show some empathy towards him so he doesn't perceive you as an enemy...

[@steinarjonsson_]

@@sashaprettyeyes2052 Domestic abuse is never ok, he should not be hitting you.

[@SisterSnowMiser]

​@@sashaprettyeyes2052It makes sense to protect yourself if someone is physically violent with you. Doesn't seem fair for him to take issue with it.

[@cynthiaamos1588]

The only kind of support my 44yr old son ever wants is $$. Afraid to cut him off.

[@mixxxlocz444]

is it okay to cut off contact with my husband? i feel as if every thing i do or say makes it worse and i have a newborn.. i'm trying so hard to not let my husband implode my life but it's been 2 months and 4 vehicles later and thousands of dollars and i don't know what to do. i can't give up but i can't let him take my life to i'm so lost and overwhelmed, i have so much hope just to be depleted every single time

[@PutTheShovelDown]

It's totally okay to look out for yourself!

[@Johnnyvicious1313]

I just made a slight joke outta coping with dealing with my friend and what he did the other day, and I didn't realize I was possibly enabling him. Now I wonder if I cry in front of him will I enable my friends actions? He is more than just a friend to me he is my brother. He said something to me a few years back that has kept me here. If I can do the same for him I would. I don't know how to talk to him comfortably about it without him getting hostile, or defensive. I don't even wanna say those words cause that even feels like enabling. I know that families enabling more of it.

[@Johnnyvicious1313]

I wanna see him come out of it like I did and it hurts cause I don't know what to do.

[@Johnnyvicious1313]

I'm 19 and I've never dealt with it I know my mom has with my uncle and I don't wanna go through the roller coaster. I didn't know how to cope with what he did last night, and I took a joke out on him on Christmas day even.

[@Johnnyvicious1313]

I wanna talk to him face to face before he leaves for the holidays. I know I'm going to give him a crystal braclet, so I really need to talk to him without being defensive either. He could probably read that I was defensive the other day I hope he comes from the place of understanding that I never dealt with that before. I've seen the impact from my uncle. But I've never dealt with that.

[@Johnnyvicious1313]

I was immature cause I was going off his mother's word and she wasn't nessicarily mature either I love her, but I feel we were both in the wrong.

[@patriciasimon728]

My loved one just thinks my questions or comments about the way he behaves like stumbling in public.... are funny and recalls none of any conversations the next day. I don’t get upset but am always calm and understanding. For example I’ll say “ Did you realize you almost fell and were staggering? He replies with “ really?” I’ll say, “ You seemed kind of slushy.” Then he either chuckles or says nothing more about it. Friends have talked to him kindly too. Denial continues. At times I think we are all so kind he perceives that there is no issue. I have no idea how I would even begin to set boundaries or explain that his behavior embarrasses me and hurts me. He is like two different people between am and pm. Help?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Even though it seems like it doesn't phase him when you bring those things up, I have a feeling that he is embarrassed and just plays it off like it's funny. He doesn't want to make a big deal because he just wants the conversation to be over. Does he use humor or avoidance in other situaitons?

[@triciasimon283]

@@PutTheShovelDown yes he uses humor for almost everything!

[@steinarjonsson_]

@@triciasimon283 Sometimes when people feel overwhelmed, they react with laughter, it's an involuntary reaction.

[@steinarjonsson_]

I would have a heart to heart conversation with him and explain to him how his actions make you feel embarrassed and hurt, but I don't think I would follow that up with any particular demands, and I would also not repeat that conversation again with the aim of forcing him to change because that would just trigger his defenses. Just express how his actions make you feel, and leave the rest up to him.

[@renee8030]

My son with alcohol use disorder has been ghosted by his brother & sister over things he said when he was very intoxicated. They don't take his phone calls or respond to texts but never explained or even told him they wouldn't or why they wouldnt. His older brother hasn't for 3 yrs, his older sister it's been about 6 mos, but they don't talk with him whether he is sober or not. It's breaking my heart. I have suggested the book Beyond Addiction to them both & talked about learning this "new" CRAFT method. How can I help them understand this is making him worse instead of better... and that it would make so much more progress if they had at least some sort of relationship with him. He needs them & feels like they don't care at all for him. Their ages are 27(son with AUD), 29(dau), & 33(son). Help please?!?!?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Sometimes when you're the siblign of someone who has an addiction, you feel resentful about how much problems their addiction has caused. You can especially feel resentful if all your parents attention is going toward the addiction. It's important that you validate their feelings and not push them toward forgiveness and helping too much. They need to feel heard as well.

[@renee8030]

@@PutTheShovelDown Yes, I understand that, I had a trouble making, alcoholic, meth cooking brother with other SUDs as well. I stopped allowing my youngest to consume all of my attention over a year ago. I have to have separate holiday celebrations and if he's included in a visit/celebration to his grandparents or other family they won't come. It put's a strain on everyone else in the family, for that reason. Both of the older kids say they are working through it, or working on it when I mention how well their little brother is doing or how far he has come in the last 2 years.(He went from drinking 2, 3 or 4 half gallons of vodka a day to one a week or every two weeks bingeing on beer for a day or two). He is in therapy weekly, sees a psychiatrist, takes Naltrexone & other meds as dgirected. He has been diagnosed w/ MDD, PTSD(from when he was a child), anxiety & possibly schitzoaffective disorder or schizoid personality disorder. I never ask them to forgive or when they will forgive him only that they do some research into what's going on with him. Addendum: He has never disrupted a family get together or holiday, he has not shown up before, but has not even one time caused any problems at them. It's completely over things he said while intoxicated. I just want to have a family get together with all of my kids. 💔

[@dh30628]

@Rene'e I understand as we're in the same boat. I have 3 other children and they are so hurt & done with giving chances. Our addicted daughter has called them while using or drunk so many times. Gotten hopes up only to leave us hanging. Our family is fractured but we have to hold boundaries. Praying helps me trust God to help her where we've been unable. I'm sure sorry you're hurting.

[@renee8030]

@@dh30628 sounds very similar... I'm sorry for your situation as well.. thoughts & prayers 🙏🏼💚🙏🏼

[@Knotes191]

My daughter is currently in detox four days now. From the conversations she’s had with her poor suffering husband she still doesn’t get it. She’s lost her professional license and spent all her money. She started a relationship with a complete loser she met while pursuing coke and is still communicating with him. I’m totally broken over this! I’ve learned things about her this past ten days that I wish I didn’t know. She’s scheduled to enter a rehab facility for 30 days after detox. How do I talk to her when I finally do see her? I want to say the right thing and not alienate her further. Do I give her my bottom line and ultimatum? She had 10 year old twins that are having a birthday today and they are suffering 😢

[@shelleyadamschristian6345]

What do you do when you have a loved one "NOT READY YET" to quit. Everyone says u can't make a person quit until THEY are READY. right?!!! I get that been there years and years ago. Thinking VERY SERIOUSLY about calling police, will get her and another a chance of jail or prison. (Distributing)and also point of poss. harm to the others buying and using. My daughter WILL probably hate me and who knows? Forever. And then I have those thoughts she will just start in again using if in jail only Short period. But I have to look at it as though THIS COULD SAVE HER LIFE?? What is best way to look at this?? Stressed and in pain over this and not seeing her for past 2 years. I feel like a NO WIN SITUATION¡!!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Shelley, Here's a link to my playlist about Intervening with an addicted loved one: kzbin.info/www/bejne/fGecY5tndr56eLM

[@rndranch]

Wow so good, I am the bad guy, not sure how to navigate when all he ask for is money, won’t tell us where he is. This might sound really stupid but I literally don’t know what to say, I go from zero to hundred when he only wants money. I say I will write a check for housing, to the school ect. And he flips out on me. Then I flip out back and just hang up. No interaction for weeks then comes back to let us know he’s “stable” but asks for money again. How do I stop this loop?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hey Darcey, I used to feel sick when my sister would ask me for money. If you say No, you feel terrible, and if you say yes, you also feel terrible. It's a no-win situation. 😥

[@parvin8765]

👍💞🙏🙏🙏

[@eagle-wingedturtle201]

Idk Amber, I'm thinking it was a mistake to allow my addict back into my life. He relocated to my city after being completely estranged from all of the family for 5 years and was out of my mom's house at least 8 years before that because it had gotten so bad. A few years away from qualifying from medicare but looks like he's at least in his 70s for how wrecked he is. I don't feel like helping him out or taking his calls anymore. I don't feel like helping him in the long haul of staying involved with his recovery (when he doesn't even care about sobriety much of the time) in the hope that he might ever be a decent dad or grandpa. I'm tired of hearing his delusional revisionist life story on the phone. I'm tired of hearing about all the dramatic complaining he does or the pickles he gets himself in. Though I fear he could be kicked out of his apt. and show up on my doorstep expecting to be taken care of. He hasn't really been able to see past his nose most of my life and missed out on my performances, my birthdays, my graduations, and I didn't invite him to my wedding. Next month I will finally meet my first born child, and his unseriousness about sobriety makes me think answering the phone is a waste of my time. I'm not interested in my baby having a close grandpa if he's not interested in sticking to a recovery plan. It makes me sad to watch him binge and try to kill himself. It dredges up all of the garbage he is responsible for in my childhood that he isn't willing to live in the present as a person in recovery. I don't want to be that person who neglects their elderly parents, but he's never been very interested in his kids. He is not grateful for our help in moving his butt here, and his primary goal in moving is to come out of retirement to be a university professor, not because 2 of his kids live here. He has a decent retirement stipend that could sustain him comfortably for the rest of his life as a retired hermit if he didn't spent like $350 a week on his habit. Since he was drunk on the phone the other day I haven't taken any of his calls.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

When you work harder than the other person, you end up feeling resentful. It sounds like maybe you're working harder than him. A good formula that i use is this...When you're helping someone you feel good about it, but when you enabling someone you feel resentful about it. That's because you're doing things that you don't want to be doing.

[@yarazard]

Can kindness be used to get them to start receiving professional help?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Sometimes

[@haremking2118]

I would say dont give them money and don't make them feel bad for there addiction

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Good advice, Gabrial!

[@haremking2118]

@@PutTheShovelDown thank you I know whats its like to be an addic and I know how some people can be its kinda upsetting

[@sashaprettyeyes2052]

WHAT IS THIS FAMILY FB GROUP. I WOULD LOVE TO.JOIN IT IF POSSIBLE...

[@PutTheShovelDown]

sure thing: Here's the link: facebook.com/groups/familyrecoverysupport/pending_posts?search=&has_selection=false

[@cindiexoxoxo3773]

@@PutTheShovelDown the link doesn't work

[@christyfallinger8716]

I am just frustrated

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Totally understandable!

[@kaylaschroeder1]

It digs and digs and settles somewhere very uncomfortably. You're not alone in your frustration.

[@kathybach8753]

He’s 52 he’s always been a loner. He hides when he drinks we find him in sheds and old bunkers. Cold alone isolated. Why? Does not make friends. Never aggressive alcohol is drug of choice. I watch you all the time I love the 5 steps ahead plan. Just detoxed here last week. Nowhere in our town to detox. He had seizures for the first time ever. A whole new level of fear for all of us. He has tried several treatments. He does well when structured. The world seems so big to him he gets lost frustrated where to start.

[@steinarjonsson_]

Be very careful, it can be lethal for alcoholics to abruptly stop drinking! My guess is that he's using the alcohol to numb his mental suffering, and he isolates himself because he doesn't want to inflict suffering upon others. Show him compassion and support, and perhaps aim for reducing his alcohol intake rather than stopping it altogether because seizures are a very common side-effect of quitting alcohol too abruptly.

[@barbaraaarns381]

What makes you so sure your client is being HONEST with YOU?????? Why are you not even CONSIDERING that this client is telling YOU what YOU want to hear and the impression they present in the family meeting is th e TRUE them??? Hmmm????

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Good question, Barbra. I'm no stranger to being lied to. In fact, I always assume I'm not getting the full story. Which is the #1 reason, why I don't see people with addictions with out family involvement. Typically if someone is going to lie to me, it's going to be about what and how much substance they're using. Also, if they're going to try and say what I want to hear, they're going to do a better job than vaguely saying they might need to cut back. Additionally, I always assess for lying by doing the following. 1. Body language, affect congruence, tone, etc... 2. Reports from the family 3. Comparing what they're saying with what they're doing. 4. Consistency with their reports. it's pretty obvious when you see someone shutting down with defensive behavior. Lastly, I don't think that they're being their "true self" in the family session because I believe both sides of the person are their "true self'. There is a part of them that wants to change and a part that doesn’t want to change. Both are genuine.

[@mariafreitas3468]

Nope not helping family is enabling this person and is a personal issue if this person is been lying and keeping this a secret plus this person dont care about me so ehy should i care or worry

[@sharonscott1776]

I wish u would get to the point