Help Your ADHD Child Become More Flexible, And Less Inflexible

[@karend322]

I just told my daughter I am going to help make her brain be more flexible. She told me “I don’t want to hear it.” The struggle is real.

[@ADHDDude]

Yes it is, and keep doing what you're doing. :)

[@salma_Nella22]

She feels safe enough to tell you that and communicating well with you

[@nsawatchlistbait289]

@@salma_Nella22 man I wish my parents were this cool

[@juliegranata3579]

oh yes, it is indeed. completely reluctant and unwilling to participate or entertain any suggestions!

[@nikkic9019]

This is great. I'm on your mailing list. Thank you for giving me some language I didn't have. I have an authoritative parenting style (Caribbean immigrant) which has garnered me some looks over the years from my upper middle class peers but I knew it was the right path for my son with ADHD. So thank you for highlighting that dynamic. My saying comes from my own mother regarding inflexibility. "We do what we HAVE to do so we can do what we WANT to do." That one of my favorite sound bites. Looking forward to more videos. Thank you!!

[@ADHDDude]

I love that soundbite! Thank you for watching. :)

[@kim___]

Very very helpful, I understand now I’m ‘pampering’ my son too much because he’s so sensitive but in doing that I don’t help him become resilient. Thank you for explaining. I will definitely start working on this.

[@ADHDDude]

I'd suggest starting with the "Start Here" playlist here at the channel. Thanks

[@marisolsolis3619]

I wish I had seen this video years ago. I have struggled raising my ADHD daughter and watching your video makes me realize I have done everything wrong. Now she is 16 hope it’s not too late.

[@ADHDDude]

I'm doing to disagree with you - You have not done anything wrong, if you're like most parents of kids with ADHD you were either not provided with the ADHD treatment recommendations, or given misinformation. It's absolutely not too late.

[@randihadfield8170]

It's never too late to learn better parenting skills!

[@ct3950]

My Kindergarten child is neurotypical, but I listen to your podcast to learn parenting strategies. Frankly much of the ADHD traits seem to generally apply to young children. Inflexibility, arguing, a lot of noise to try to wear us down... all taking place everyday in varying amounts. Now I have put my foot down on group gymnastics and dance classes, to keep exposing the child to unfamiliar situations. It looks like a monkey hunt everytime, with combative statements from the child such as „you are not my friend, I will find myself a new mum...”, but I shall hold my ground, because you remind me that if I am too accommodating, I am only encouraging all these undesirable traits even in a neurotypical child. Thank you for your advice.

[@ADHDDude]

You're absolutely right about about it being applicable to neurotypical children as well. And keep in mind, when you put your foot down, youre building resiliency, flexibility and exposing them to new experiences, all of which is vitally important. Cheers for watching!

[@juliawangsgard1478]

A tough topic. It can be very hard to discern when to push and when to let up.

[@ADHDDude]

It very much is, you're right.

[@dkillian08]

Ugh. I'm so guilty of this. I'm single parent so sometimes it has come down to picking my battles. I see I need to make some changes.

[@dkillian08]

I'm originally from just north of Philly. In the military right now, but will be out soon. I'm seriously considering moving back to the area (which I thought I would NEVER do) just so I can have access to your services. My son will be 11 going on 12 right when that time comes. I'm hoping to really, really do the work in the next few years so maybe it is all just reinforcement.

[@jdawg414]

I totally feel you here. I don’t want our entire day to be a fight. It’s hard on everyone.

[@josephineschiele3956]

Hi Ryan, I have listened to this webinar 3 times already and am trying to memorize it! It is great information. Thank you again.

[@ADHDDude]

So glad to hear it, thank you!

[@juliawangsgard1478]

Thanks for the idea of a subscription service! One needs to review different strategies at different evolving challenge points. FABULOUS!

[@ADHDDude]

Thank you!

[@mountaingal5583]

Some of our struggle has been the absolute defiance to do something new which as a parent trying to maintain household peace has become more important than forcing my son to do things.

[@mountaingal5583]

How do we maintain both

[@ADHDDude]

If you accommodate inflexibility it will cause inflexibility to get worse.

[@PollyPatriot]

My six year old daughter is a brilliant manipulator. She can wear us down before we know what hit us! She is very charming. ❤️

[@helly52]

This is exactly the information I needed right now! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!!!!! 🙏🙏🙏

[@ADHDDude]

So glad it was helpful!

[@Canny-Octopus]

The photos for your videos are incredible

[@ADHDDude]

Thank you!

[@kyrapretzer7500]

Scenario - Child male, 13, Grade 7, wants to change schools for 8th grade. Why. B/C the Social Justice school he currently goes to is small class size and he finds the teenage drama of the class, lots of emotional talks, overwhelming, to the point where he doesn't want to go, misses days bc it is too much he states? Thoughts? Persevere or move?

[@ADHDDude]

I would strongly suggest you do not accommodate his school avoidance because that can quickly turn into school refusal, which is not easy to turn around.

[@jennifertawil2171]

How to handle an 18 year old who refuses to get a summer job? He doesn't ask for anything monetarily fyi

[@ADHDDude]

Are you paying for his phone and do you pay for internet at home? If so, then he is asking for something monetarily. He can lose access to those until he choses to get a job.

[@happykeetu]

Awesome video..would like to know the book you mentioned on raising an adult

[@ADHDDude]

Julie Lythcott Haims - How to raise an adult. Thanks

[@kristarepasi942]

I am a parent with ADHD and two boys with ADHD. Can you recommend resources for me on how to help myself while helping them? I struggle with college, extra curricular activities, all while keeping up with daily chores and dinner. Basically, I’m overwhelmed. Any help is appreciated.

[@ADHDDude]

Hi Krista, I suggest you take a look at the Executive Function Crash Course for Parents webinar series. There's a video about it here. Also, the "Answering Parents' Questions playlist should help a lot. Thanks for watching!

[@brittney8495]

I also am a parent with adhd with my son having it too I’m at a loss I can’t seem to do it all ugh

[@Luda.USA.NewYork]

Oh, GOD!! THANKS A LOT!!! You are a blessing for tons of exhausted parents ))) Are these struggles and forces unavoidable?? 🥶

[@ADHDDude]

I can tell you for myself they were unavoidable, but I also have a very challenging son.

[@kellymcdonell9687]

How do I deal with a 22 yo who won’t do chores, is rude to everyone in the household, can’t accept change of any kind like new clothes or a new chair. we are at a loss except to kick him out cause he is making everyone miserable. But if I parented poorly, it’s not his fault now. So how can I fix it? Is it too late?

[@ADHDDude]

Because you feel guilty you are not required to accommodate his poor treatment of others and sense of entitlement. The research data shows parental accommodation makes behaviors like this worse over time, not better. Please get the book Non-Emerging Adulthood. He's a 22-year-old young man, his behavior is his choice, and if you keep accommodating him by saying things like "it's not his choice" you are unintentionally disabling him from becoming a grown man who takes responsibility for himself and his choices.

[@edwardmitchell6581]

10:45 My parents would yell at me whenever I'd do chores. "Stop pretending to be incompetent." "What? You're still doing dishes?" "Okay, I'll get your sister to do them. You have math to do." Now my sister resents me and even sent me a low-quality article about how "pretending" to be incompetent with chores is spousal abuse. My mother would not let me do football and other sports because she treated my brain as gods gift to the world (I'm good at math). And then when I graduated from university and got a house they gave me a hard time for house messy the place was. I get PTSD just from grabbing a sponge or seeing a greasy broiler pan.

[@edwardmitchell6581]

I can only handle this video in 15-second chunks. How do I get into a place where I can raise my 3 boys? (2 already are showing signs of ADHD).

[@ADHDDude]

I think the most important thing is that the structure you create for them will give you structure as well, and keeping perspective that the more structure you can implement the less chaotic home life will be. It doesn't mean you have to be perfect, it means you try the best you can with creating that scaffolding for them at home, and teach them skills to be independent, because that's how self-confidence is built.

[@edwardmitchell6581]

@@ADHDDude I like that idea of creating scaffolding for myself. I do it well with sports and studies, why not for chores. Thank you for the reply.

[@katreades-kt8jv]

Where is the space for attachment in here? Authoritarian parenting style often leads to more rebellion or floundering once the decider in chief is no longer present.

[@ADHDDude]

#1. Primary attachment happens during the first 5 years of life. 2. This is not authoritarian, this is authoritative, which decades of research data show produces the best mental health outcomes in children. I do not condone authoritarian or permissive parenting. 3. Permissive parenting doesn't create space for attachment, it makes children more anxious. That is why many children with neurodevelopmental differences show greater anxiety and an escalation in behavior when parents try to over-negotiate, over-validate, over-empathize with them.

[@edwardmitchell6581]

Does this need to be adapted for younger kids?

[@ADHDDude]

I can't answer that without knowing the child's age

[@edwardmitchell6581]

@@ADHDDude Ages 5 and 6. The four-year-old refuses to do things that are expected of him if I watch. Sometimes he even asked me to look away briefly. A strange aversion to control. (His brother is extremely controlling as well.) My wife and I flew the two of them out of China in 2020 when they were 1 and 3 and restarted our lives. Balancing firmness and calmness hasn't been easy in that context.

[@ADHDDude]

What you're describing is indicative of attachment disorder. I would suggest the book: Parenting Other People's Children by Dr. John Stoller.

[@HGACTIVISTLIFE]

How to handle lying

[@ADHDDude]

Type in "ADHD Dude lying" and you'll see the videos

[@Mrskess]

And when your child also has pda traits who won’t do anything when Told to do it rather than give choices??? Just telling pda traits child you’re going to go to the camp, is going to be immediate refusal which won’t change no matter what.

[@ADHDDude]

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[@tannyamacias]

I’m SUPER confused with your content. Inflexibility is not a diagnosis criteria for someone with ADHD. Nor something that ADHDers really struggle with. It is however, a symptom of Autism. Ppl with ADHD struggle with the FUNCTIOn of the executive parts of the brain (prefrontal cortex) . Asking us to use our executive function in a way that’s neurotypical is like asking a blind person to describe the colors in a painting. We MUST have accommodations for executive function. (Time, concentration, working memory, hyperactivity, categorizing, prioritizing, impulsivity etc) but as an educator, parent, and ADHDer myself, I’m not sure that I follow all this discussion of inflexibility. Bc it’s something related with. Autism not ADHD. Perhaps I’m missing some studies, evidence, science, diagnostic criteria? I’m continuing to watch some more of your videos to see if I can put this together.

[@ADHDDude]

That's correct, you are missing all of that information you mentioned.