America's Obsession With Gov. Cuomo Has Gone To A Weird Place

[@lexslate2476]

Shutting down only some states is like having both a urinating and a non-urinating section in your swimming pool.

[@FergusonKaren]

That is crystal clear....and hilariously funny. Thanks for the endolphins. Just what I needed. [Annette Bening, Postcards from the Edge]

[@TooSlowTube]

Or a screaming and a non-screaming section, on a Boeing 737 MAX. #masks4all

[@TheNewGreenIsBlue]

Canada seemed to have no problem letting the provinces determine when to declare a state of emergency on their own... and it seems that they're flattening the curve in BC at least.

[@canadeeana]

@@TheNewGreenIsBlue O, Canada always has it's act together ... no problem ...LOL ... miss ya, O, Canada .. you're right on!

[@lexslate2476]

@@TheNewGreenIsBlue Canada also has the US to the south to provide a shining example of how to do it wrong, and even its conservative politicians have mostly given up on ditching socialized medicine.

[@The_Green_Queen]

It seems like Stephen and his hair look better in this setting. Props to his kids for hair, makeup and camera work

[@ResilientBiscuit]

The Green Queen they also managed to stay quiet when he said “let’s get it on raw dog” 😂

[@The_Green_Queen]

Tough Cookie LMAO 🤣

[@leeloominai081]

Omg yass his kids are talented!

[@Kaotiqua]

It's so FLUFFY!

[@PrinsTan]

He looks like he is getting ready to teach at Flatpoint High

[@monarawlings6314]

The best part is when he gets on the floor and you see the chaos his room really is. Thanks for being real....

[@user-us1ih2ov6n]

Mona Rawlings Yeah! I didn’t imagine that he was sitting on a hard stool! What a modest man! And also, it was interesting to see the messy room around the shooting background 😆 although it was not as messy as mine. Yes, really. Thank you for being real! I love you an Jon Stewart!

[@gopichandranr8517]

You know Peter is a comedian’s son when he says “hi everyone, Peter”

[@ellenlewitt]

Gopi Chandran R I was thinking about that exact thing!

[@wellnessinlifelaunion]

Haha

[@kimjungun9444]

He said "hi everybody, Peter" not everyone

[@charlesgallagher1376]

Say good night Gracie. Good night Gracie. Classic.

[@jaerirob644]

2:11 for anyone looking

[@willowrose2552]

It’s honestly kind of comforting to watch these night show hosts going theough the same thing as everyone else but still giving us a few laughs. Humor has helped me stay positive, i hope it has for others too.

[@yudithdm9302]

@Wullow Rose...Same, and I do find him funny Vice Kelly.

[@willowrose2552]

vince kelly yes lol why are you watching him if you don’t?

[@evtimbitrakov7634]

Did I just spend a full two minutes watching Stephen Colbert feed his dog? Yes, yes I did. Bless this man!

[@freekeefox]

Stephen (day 1): *Has no idea what to do* Sephen (day 20): *Now, as an expert vlogger, knows exactly how long to show off their cute pet*

[@thishappycrafter272]

freekeefox Too true!! 👏👏👏

[@stiras1]

Open-collared shirt and blazer? Stephen, you crazy, man. You've gone rogue.

[@carolyntalbot947]

Can't wait for May 💪😉

[@TooSlowTube]

@@carolyntalbot947 But April is still young... #masks4all

[@DivineFalcon]

Just wait until month three, when Steven wears nothing but a loincloth and a full beard...

[@chalabrooks5433]

😂😂😂

[@chalabrooks5433]

@@DivineFalcon 😂😂😂

[@eduardovillalobos6756]

This kinda feels like the Stephen is in the apocalypse and is slowly going crazy

[@blindsightedkill]

LoL slowly?

[@victoriachism4741]

Yup. A lot of people in the same boat but at least they aren't on KZbin!

[@AndiDuck]

Cabin Fever ! It's a real thing !

[@rgwak]

We all are. I seriously was wondering what day it was recently. No idea.

[@LifenaDay525]

I was hoping to see his briefs again. 😞 🙃

[@berulan8463]

Hey Florida, you've got a choice: Go 6 feet apart or go 6 feet under.

[@penelopepigeon8505]

B Erulan Nicely put! Mind if I steal that for my posts? 👣👣👣😊

[@zankumo]

I work in a grocery store in Florida. People are slowly starting to take it more and more seriously, but there's still plenty of people who aren't.

[@jimsvideos7201]

That's pretty catchy. I mean so is the virus, but still.

[@abbycross90210]

@@jimsvideos7201 ba-dum-tssss!

[@reljamrkic2663]

It's like an open buffet over there. It sure is gonna "shelter-in-place" permanently a lot of people if they are acting this irresponsibly.

[@sonyahannah]

You and the other "late night" hosts who are offering us your talents during these "two-bit" times prove that "a happy heart maketh the best medicine." Thank you!

[@alro11]

How's Jon Baptiste? Bring him on please!

[@AprilGabrielle]

Yes! I want John to soothe me with music.

[@Jen0714]

Yes, I suggested that last night! Bring on Jon and Stay Human!

[@hadenm.7436]

Alison Diaz lmao that would be so hilarious!

[@tvdavis]

Stephen: “By May, I’ll be wearing nothing more than two Band-Aids & a grin, so look forward to that.” Don’t you tempt us with a good time, Stephen!

[@noluthando6757]

Indeed

[@StoneColdFox17]

🤣🤣🤣

[@Hermes_Agoraeus]

Holy moly: with Stephen's help, we might actually get through this still sane.

[@PhilBoswell]

I like the way you assume I was sane to start with 👅

[@seawatersoul333]

@@PhilBoswell 🙋🏻‍♀️🙋🏻‍♀️😂

[@jabbermocky4520]

The sanest will remain sane, the semi-sane will fall into insanity and the insane will get crazier. Way it goes, with or without late night TV.

[@dbone3356]

Still? That train has sailed *long* ago.

[@Mycatsname]

Trumps 2hrs of “taking it seriously” was his April fools day joke!

[@karalguidubaldi1517]

Taryn Miller 👌😆

[@petek9541]

Truth/

[@charlesmiller000]

Nailed It LOL

[@tonybrown8692]

I agree

[@tonybrown8692]

Trump also isn't saying anything about 5g RFR their beaming from starlink to these 5g cells scattered across the country.. all 300 of them

[@JP-lu9ed]

Stephen, you are not without an audience. Thanks for being there.

[@ozwolf01]

You know that cringing smile/wince kids give when their father has just delivered yet another bad Dad Joke? Anyone thinking that has become Peter's near permanent facial expression during these tapings?

[@rowynnecrowley1689]

Can't relate. I love Dad Jokes. The daddier the better.

[@leohumbarelly861]

@@rowynnecrowley1689 Then you might have, what some call, a Daddy Issue.

[@maskedmarvyl4774]

Colbert: "Blah-blah-blah-blah!" Colbert's dog: "What the hell is he saying? Will you just give me the ham? What are you gesturing about? Are you asking me to sit up? Are you asking me to lie down? Just give me the ham. Stop torturing me with your strange noises". Colbert: "Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah!" Colbert's dog: "I'm going to bite his finger off. If he keeps gesturing like that while waving around that ham and making those weird mouth noises, I'm going to bite his finger off...…"

[@elaineburnett5230]

😄😄🤣🤣😉

[@tamnoe4884]

Military GAS MASK TO ALL DOCTORS AND NURSES AND FIRST RESPONDERS IMMEDIATELY gas mask not paper mask....with gas mask just wash with soap and water or Clorox.

[@sagalmusse6977]

😂😂😂😂

[@bbriana22]

He loves helping

[@vegardyrnes1793]

Blah-blah-blah-blah.....

[@jackpinesavage1628]

Man, I really enjoyed watching the dog taking "messages" from Stephen. Watching it put a smile on my face. Laughter is medicine for the soul.

[@noellewithane6111]

Jack pine Savage 💖 🐶

[@ValerieJNorse]

The moment he said that Benny was going to help, I started laughing. That dog -- you understand, I think he's adorable -- but he's got a shorter attention span than a goldfish.

[@Tina-qp7py]

Is Benny a standard poodle?

[@paigevanpelt1967]

@@Tina-qp7py I think he is a Boykin Spaniel. It's the SC State dog and a favorite of Charlestonians.

[@Tina-qp7py]

@@paigevanpelt1967 Thanks for the info. His fur looked curly so I thought it was a poodle. Whatever breed he is, he is really great and I love seeing him on the show.

[@albevanhanoy]

"... And he's gonna deliver them on my neigbour's lawn in about two hours." Holy shit that punchline was so good xD .

[@MTMF.london]

That ham is going to do the business.

[@tulgeywood]

I like the new look but I'm worried about Stephen talking into the void. I hadn't realized how much he seems to miss his audience. Stay safe Stephen; you are not alone!

[@jennifermcgoldrick6323]

tugglywood I think he's genuinely an extrovert who likes people. He seems to be going a bit more mad than the other late night hosts 😂 Seth meyers seems fine, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon appear to have large properties and kids old enough to occupy them and young enough to need them, Conan seems crazy but he always does...

[@MidnightSonnet]

By "the void", do you mean him talking into the camera or off to the side? If it's the latter, it seems like he's talking to his family. If it's the former, that's no different than what he usually does on the show.

[@kit2770]

"When complimented on his coronavirus panty mask, the man said, 'what's coronavirus?'" Lol, that was a knee slapper.

[@rysun8709]

Panty must be clean to be effective or you'rer just a pervert

[@Tiniuc]

Steven... Steven? Where's Jon? He's not still under your desk in the studio, is he? I mean, he'd renovated and added a room or two, I'm sure, but does he know about the quarantine? It must be awfully quiet there, wondering where all his friends went.He must be so alone!

[@wickednwyld]

Jon hightailed it to his cabin in early January with 57 cases of Dinty Moore, 300 MRES and 25 cases of scotch. He was last seen planting bouncing bettys in the driveway and stringing concertina wire between the trees. 😉

[@jameshickman5299]

Bouncing Betties......I haven’t heard that term in a long time.

[@pennyhollifield9431]

@@wickednwyld LOL! Too funny! Bouncing Betty's- how old are you??

[@wickednwyld]

@@pennyhollifield9431 - About as old as Jon...

[@theressmthinthestatic]

All of these jokes are even funnier when you realize his son is in the room with them

[@laclaireluna]

Sarah Souser “sock on the door” bit weird haha

[@socrappyicoulddie]

Sarah Souser his kids are all old enough to be his employees, I think they’re fine lol

[@micaeladelgado76]

@@socrappyicoulddie I guess what Sarah meant was that his son does not find his jokes funny but Stephen has to make them anyway. His audience has changed from all those people usually laughing at his jokes to his son who perhaps finds them not funny.

[@marginis]

"Say hi everybody Peter." "Hi everybody Peter." You can't say he didn't inherit his dad's comedic chops.

[@theressmthinthestatic]

@@micaeladelgado76 Yeah! My point was basically to everyone else he's Stephen Colbert, comedian/host, and now his "audience" just sees him as "dad" and I can guarantee that any joke dad says is going to be least funny to his own kids XD

[@redthepost]

I actually laughed without the reinforcement of a studio audience. What a witty talent. Thank you Colbert.

[@enlightendbel]

Lol, even Stephen has the "do not move the camera an inch or you'll reveal chaos unbound" issue.

[@jayweh]

right? it was sobering to see the rest of the room. tv really is mostly fake.

[@rowynnecrowley1689]

Like all those beer cans under his makeshift desk.

[@jayweh]

@@rowynnecrowley1689 did you see the cocktail shaker? 😁

[@12121994]

Stephen: "Say hi everybody, Peter" Peter: "Hi everybody, Peter" BOIIIII XD

[@roxyislandgrl]

I laughed so hard at this!

[@AJ42K]

Home Alone. Real Life.

[@trudycolborne2371]

Actual footage of a grown man sticking a pad with wings to his face. I never thought I'd see that outside of a comedy skit. Life is getting so weird.

[@BeeWhistler]

Ad Astra Magdalene Same. Those things are specifically designed to be watertight. Heck, the g-string made more sense...

[@alexrose8299]

Great now pads are going to be flying off the shelves.

[@debi1451]

@@gl15col , Love the guy with half a Bra that is cupping his face!. Get it? cupping?.

[@elizabethcsicsery-ronay1633]

@@alexrose8299 Yeah, but you can't breathe.

[@deprofundis3293]

I'm admittedly curious. I have a package of ultra heavy pads that I don't need (don't ask...) but I guess I could try one out and see if I start to lose consciousness. XD or maybe poke air holes??

[@SYLperc]

This episode was hilarious, even more so because his son is in the room there with him forced to listen to all of his corny jokes

[@BlackPantherFTW]

Dont worry son, I'm making millions by sitting here and making corny jokes

[@davidGrainger]

Cuomosexual... what's Coronavirus

[@granddude1242]

@@BlackPantherFTW At least he's doing the Job that he was Hired to do. Not like our POS POTUS that isn't even trying or qualified to do.😎💪🇺🇸

[@MsGrapeNehi]

“Everybody’s talking about it. They can’t get enough of it.” Yes, we LOVE the coronavirus. It’s so HOT right now! WTF is wrong with that man? I mean, I know what’s wrong with him, but how could anyone have thought that a sociopath would make a good president?

[@Synathidy]

By not thinking about it. That's how it happened. No thought = welcoming stupidity into the government and really everything.

[@richardpierpoint588]

@@Synathidy Absolutely - wouldn't it be brilliant if Das Orange Anus and Mike "Hoosier" Pence both caught Coronavirus and popped their clogs?

[@indiebaby]

People are mostly stupid and don't have enough integrity to own up to when they've made a mistake or been mislead. To admit Trump is a moron a great many people have to admit to themselves they've been duped and can't handle it.

[@hollystone3086]

textbook psychopath

[@SLCtica]

What-If Machine the electoral college thought so against the wishes of 3.5 million Americans

[@shirleywhitt8740]

Love the origin of words part. When I was a kid, I'd spend hours reading the dictionary because ours had details about where the word came from. When I grew up and had the chance to deliver my first homily I decided that I would use the word danger as the centre of my address. The Hulk was a popular tv show at the time and each episode began with the word Danger morphing into the word Anger and back again. The word danger originates from the Latin for power and morphed into a word for power to harm through the French. The word anger is from Old Norse for grief. So that's my contribution to something you didn't need to know.

[@annarehbinder7540]

Shirley Whitt Thank you! Enlightened swede here!

[@elaineburnett5230]

@@annarehbinder7540 at this point I need to know everything! Ooh, a squirrel 😄🤓🤣

[@rosemma34]

Shirley Whitt: Anger is grief unaddressed, dangerous as it causes paralyzing depression which can burst forth violently from frustration at being targeted for punishment, which is whatever caused the grief

[@evaadams8298]

Shirley Whitt Hey Shirley you should give us a new word per day! 😀

[@marcus1997leung]

He is definitely going full Tom Hanks in Cast Away.

[@slove7932]

I don't even remember watching this, all my days are running together. Blessings to all.

[@xcw4934]

Benni: Scotch smell man is home every day and giving me ham. Dog God accepted my squirrel sacrifice. Must make more squirrel sacrifices.

[@penelopepigeon8505]

xcw4934 😆🤣😂🐕💕

[@rosekay5031]

Best answer ever

[@ladymaiden2308]

🤣

[@charlesmiller000]

LMAO Good one

[@lilithm3849]

This comment is pure brilliance.

[@cleverlilvixen]

It's hard preforming cold when you're used to a live audience. You're doing great Stephen! Keep it up!

[@mohitoBhau5499]

He's always been a natural. I'm surprised he hasn't done a cameo in a funny film. It would slay

[@kaernonarnon9834]

Who else is looking forward to the "two bandaides and a grin" episode? hahahaha

[@MiriamDandelion]

These shows are getting funnier and funnier. He’s really hitting his stride with this new format. Plus, he’s a GREAT dog trainer. 👍👍😂

[@GeorgeMinton-jb8ky]

Especially a dog trainer. That is funny you say that. I was training my dog to do basic obedience command but I could not get him to "come front". They told us not to use food but when I started using food he towed the line for that command.

[@elaineburnett5230]

Yup, Colbert has dog training skills that he should keep to himself, and keep his day job!🤓😒🤣😄😄🤣😄😉

[@elaineburnett5230]

@@GeorgeMinton-jb8ky 🤣imagine that 🤣

[@Melissamoreau24]

Miriam Dandelion I was just about to say the same thing!

[@robertgallegly8267]

And eight bits make a byte. Sorry, too geeky. I'll see myself out.

[@archer611]

I thought it too lol

[@allangibson8494]

And four bits to a Nibble - but that is showing my age.

Oh yea, well good luck trading bytecoin. 😉

[@Hammerheadcomedy]

I liked the wierd history lesson at the beginning, you should do more weird rants

[@letimoore]

I was like so 2 bits is 25 cents then 4 bits is 50 cents...i got it 👍👍👍🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@celticlass8573]

Imagine what things would be like right now, if Americans had a president that actually cared about them.

[@Toxica9944]

Celtic Lass he’s all about personal gain and gives👌🏼 F 💣’s about public services, sadly.

[@12x2richter]

I can imagine that person might create a pandemic response plan, a task force to help handle it, and make sure the CDC and WHO are funded appropriately.

[@celticlass8573]

@@Toxica9944 Yeah "public servant" is lost on him.

[@joanne4758]

@@12x2richter When I read your comment, or say it aloud - it's sounds so easy You would still be fighting a virus - but as one - & you would be winning. Rgds.

[@daveseddon5227]

@@celticlass8573 I can guarantee that trump has never, ever, thought of himself as a "public servant" - not even for a nanosecond.

[@StephBer1]

Something tells me Benny's going to get a little chubby during self-isolation 😃

[@nameredactedmessageretract7225]

"...are we still broadcasting?" 😂😂

[@MikeLima777]

Well, Andrew Cuomo certain is being a better leader than a certain fellow in DC.

[@hedgeandhue]

Have to say I'm so glad I don't live in the US. In Ireland we had a lot of exposure from people sking in Noethern Italy and going to races at Cheltenham in UK. We shut schools on 13th of March and increased lockdown in stages. Since than the daily increase in cases went from 33% to 9%. In it for the long haul and the bill will be brutal (The government had payments of 350 a week going out to everyone who had lost jobs within about 10 days). Our very boring taoiseach was a MD; he has re-registered and will be taking a shift on the covid helpline each week. No photos, no broadcasting where he is.

[@rehnigstan]

He's moving in on John Oliver's look, there, with the checkered shirt.

[@sharongamble9854]

Colbert really can't think for himself. He has writers do all of his monologues. He has no original thought or idea.

[@elaineburnett5230]

@@sharongamble9854 you, self isolate, and put yourself on "mute" other folks need that precious air you are wasting! Thank you.

[@cheryltariq]

@@sharongamble9854 Let's see you come up with one original thought or idea .....come on...and deliver it like a talk show host!!. .On the hand...piss off!!!

[@MTMF.london]

"I'm putting an IUD up my nose" ... almost choked on my tea.

[@robertrootes]

It's nice John Oliver sent you one of his shirts to wear for your show.

[@GABRIEL_CRAFT]

when Wal Mart tells it's employees they can't wear masks b/c they are worried the hacking customers will be frightened by masks...

[@grmpEqweer]

Be interesting if all the grocery/big box stores had a nationwide "sick out," to protest the unsafe working conditions. ...A sick-out is when everyone calls in sick simultaneously, BTW.

[@noellewithane6111]

GABRIEL CRAFT they don’t have enough masks that is just an excuse

[@williamdowling7718]

Re: facemasks. Come on people, this really isn't that hard to understand. The recommendation to not wear masks was purely because we expected a massive shortage of masks for Healthcare workers. The original recommendations were not well worded, I admit. They were ambiguous where they should not have been, but with even the most basic level of common sense, one should realize that experts are recommending against the public wearing masks because the masks are more useful in the hands of medical professionals who don't have the option to socially distance themselves. Yes. A mask will help someone just going about their daily life. But if you're going about your daily life, you can do your best to maintain a safe distance to keep yourself safe and healthy. Doctors and nurses do not have the luxury of staying away from sick people.. But YOU DO. So leave the masks for them and just maintain your distance from people in public. And if you're going to make a cloth mask of some kind, please wash it very frequently. Wearing masks for a long time and repeatedly breathing warm moist air into fabric creates a breeding ground for bacteria.

[@gregorymorse8423]

And if you get a bacterial infection, and need antibiotics, you will probably get coronavirus at the hospital while waiting hours to get a doctor to write the script. It's really a cost benefit analysis. Maybe best to just be healthy and boost up that immune system and wear it only to protect others if you are infected or your body gives hints that you have it but are mostly asymptomatic for the 2 week duration. You are obligated to do so in this case. Unfortunately that is a hit or miss strategy as not everyone is in tune with their body or could determine this. Though if mandated then of course it should be used. As poster says dont forget to wash it.

[@no_peace]

There are a bunch of reasons not to tell people to wear masks. If you imply that masks prevent infection, people think they can take greater risks while wearing a mask. So you get bosses saying "come in to work I bought you a mask." Also wearing a mask usually causes people to touch their faces more, and it takes a ton of restraint not to do so (especially if it's poking you in the eye or your breath is blowing in your eyes), which can be flat-out impossible on an 8+-hour shift. So unless you're well-informed/well-trained, dedicated and focused, you're still transferring germs to and from your face, maybe even more than you otherwise would. Covid-19 is transmitted by droplets that land on surfaces, so washing your hands, not touching your face and covering your cough are the most important things you can do if you have to go out in public and touch communal surfaces. A mask could help if you can't avoid being crammed in with a bunch of people but you still have to wear it perfectly and be aware of everything that touches any public surface or other human, because you're more likely to touch a contaminated handle than you are to have someone cough on your face. Basically people are going to treat masks as a way to avoid more effective tactics. In East Asian countries many more people wear masks regularly, so, aside from the supply issue, they tend to have a better understanding of the practical realities of wearing masks and how little they help you if you aren't doing everything else (distancing and hygiene) as well. Obviously they can see the direct result of people wearing masks but getting sick anyway. Maybe next time this happens Americans will be better oriented to that mindset.

[@dulcieparker7425]

@@no_peace At the same token, doesn't offering a mask" imply" the level of risk ?

[@NonbinaryCargoShorts]

The reason not to wear a mask was because those masks don't keep people from getting sick, reduces stock for medical workers, and improper mask usage is worse than not using a mask. That, paired with current knowledge that the disease isn't really an airborne illness, it spreads through droplet/contact, made it so keeping stock for medical workers was far more important. Staying 6ft apart, washing your hands, and sheltering in place will do far more than masks will. The only reason they are looking to potentially reverse the decision is because new knowledge that up to 50% of infected are asymptomatic. Everyone wearing masks might make a small difference in those people, and when we're being crushed under the weight of inadequate responses even a tiny difference might keep a few thousand people alive. But really, what difference does it make when dumbasses like Alabama's governor don't take it seriously?

[@gmun2248]

@@NonbinaryCargoShorts A New England Journal of Medicine study, published in late March, tested the stability of the virus on different surfaces over time. The particle size used was ~5 micrometres (relatively big in microbiology). The virus is aerosolized - it can 'hang' in the air for up to 3 hours. This is where masks in public places could be helpful. Study results: Aerosolized particles: viable after 3 hours Plastic: viable after 72 hours Stainless Steel: viable after 72 hours _(72 hours was the duration of the study)_ Cardboard: no viral particles detected after 24 hours Copper: no viral particles detected after 4 hours. The study used general indoor temperatures at controlled humidity (from recollection, ~70-73°F at 40% humidity). Wrt the aerosolized particles, in a lab there would be no external forces like a/c, wind etc. That suggests an explanation as to why indoor crowded events have infected many people; and why exercising outside is much safer. (Comment below re. masks) *Wash your hands!!* ✌🏽 _Link below, it's open access - the study is a bit impenetrable - unless you're a microbiologist I guess (not my area); but skimming through the technicalities you can see the results clearly. Half lives are given. For anyone who wants to check details:_ www.nejm.org/doi/full/10.1056/NEJMc2004973?query=featured_home

[@dp6970]

Forget the audience Stephen Colbert, you’re in your comical element!😂👏🏽

[@blaineleavitt3600]

This man has been reduced to feeding his dog ham on national television. Dark days, indeed.

[@ogivecrush]

He's making sure Benny stays plump in case the days get even darker.

[@bengal4047]

@@ogivecrush Oof

[@baileya82]

And we're all highly entertained by the content because its something new.

[@DDDDDDD34]

We wanted to see Benny lol

[@justinpg3414]

His dog is adorable and I like this content, it’s fun!

[@MrGaryRoberton]

Medical analyst spokespeople are quickly becoming Rock Stars to the public who care.

[@ValerieJNorse]

No kidding! I was in a mailing service that had a TV going (no volume) the other day, when Dr. Fauci came on. I snapped to attention like he was one of the stars of "Supernatural"!

[@joeshabado1431]

It started to sink in to me that aside from military, America is a third world country.

[@Membrane556]

The funding side of it's healthcare system is.

[@joeshabado1431]

@@Membrane556 It's a private system so there is no funding. It's a business here. Not a right.

[@robertm346]

Joe Shabado In a significant way, yes. In all others, no. And that’s important to acknowledge.

[@sonyaso9586]

We are a first, second, and third world country..is there even a 2nd world?? Anywho, we are a mix.

[@Membrane556]

@@joeshabado1431 That is where the US healthcare system is a complete.

[@dancingwithnature5303]

Yes we're all still out here with you, laughing and enjoying the etymology lesson! 👏😂🎉🤸🏻‍♀️🌠

[@aza8993]

i am really loving this monologue with no audience members. there are no fake or forced laughs, i am able to just digest the jokes at my own leisure

[@TheHua89]

7 shows without an audience, Stephen must be going through withdrawal

[@M_SC]

TheHua89 I thought he seemed to be doing better today after a week seeming crazy

[@ValerieJNorse]

@@M_SC -- He's definitely happier than he was the first couple of home shows, and SO much better off than during the last theater show.

[@RmcBlueSky]

He should do a q&a

[@dumpygoodness4086]

i'm SO upset by the Missed Opportunities of all the late night hosts! I can think of BRILLIANTLY funny ideas while having no audience. (even having your kid do rim shots would be hilarious.) I'd have them WAIT for the laughter.... then shed a tear when it doesnt arrive.. before they go to the next joke. And other absurdist moves. Lean IN!!!! COMMIT!!!

[@BeHumb13]

🤣

[@tahititoutou3802]

By the way, "quarantine" (mentioned at 0:47) comes from the French "quarante" which means 40. When boats came from far away and there were sick people on board, the ship was isolated for 40 days because they believed then that, after 40 days, if no symptoms were left, then all sickness had disappeared. The ship was thus isolated "pour une quarantaine de jours" which means for 40 days give or take a few. Nowadays, we can trace viruses and bacteriae so 40 has become 21 days (3 weeks). Thus, the word vingtaine, which means 20 give or take a few, would be more appropriate. But the name "quarantaine" has been kept, with its English copy "quarantine".

[@Islandgirl4ever2]

Merci, je ne savais pas, tous ça! Very interesting.. Here in France...

[@priscilabarcelos93]

I loveeeeee Andrew Cuomo ; just listen him and look at him make me happyyyyyyy and I’m Not the Only one 💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕

[@narioreturns7603]

Wait till your job is in jeopardy

[@dbf72829]

@@narioreturns7603 right back atya , 🍊

[@AJ42K]

April Fools, Sweetheart!

[@lazyperfectionist1]

"He held a two-hour briefing, yesterday, and his tone was _far more_ serious." Until I hear him properly pronounce the word "states," I won't be impressed.

[@elaineburnett5230]

I am ready to be impressed when DT says the magic words: I am resigning immediately!"

[@davidadams2395]

Or even scarves instead of scarfs. I mean, sure, the dictionary says _scarfs_ is acceptable, but it sounds idiotic coming from even the _best_ mouths, nevermind Trump's.

[@westhammer81]

Schtates. Schnapps. BodySHOTS!

[@mlghelp2day]

@@elaineburnett5230 If that happens Millions of people around the world will be applauding and sighing with relief!😒

[@w1tchmom]

tRump had problems with a lot of words. Scourge being one.

[@johnchambers8166]

As a fellow South Carolinian, I THOROUGHLY appreciated that "get it on raw dog" bit. Gotta love it when the entertainment business actually gets a Southern accent right.

[@pre9341]

With, or without an audience, Colbert always makes me laugh. 😂

[@Manamanamana36]

You're sad man

[@Andalosity]

Stephen: you should tell us what the books on your shelf are!

[@AndiDuck]

"You probably wont die or anything " - President Donald J Trump 2020/Coronavirus

[@PaulSmith-pf2uq]

ThE DuCk Yes, it takes much longer for a moron like trump to realise the weight of the situation.

[@Jen0714]

'Moron' is being nice!

[@ThePjr001984]

@@Jen0714 so a primordial clump of cells that expels large amounts of carbon dioxide that creates repetitive sounds when under stress?

[@robertcartier5088]

@@ThePjr001984 an overworked, farting cellular mass... got it.

[@kevina2052]

But always look at the positive.. The ratings are as good or better than the season finally of the bachelor... Trump 2020

[@lazyperfectionist1]

"By May, I'll be wearing nothing more than two band-aids and a grin." 👍

[@bellasmom3895]

Stephen’s hair and makeup looks great and the shirt and blazer as well.

[@Anthony-zt1zs]

When complimented on his coronavirus panty mask, the man said, "what's coronavirus?" 😆😆 That made me spit my water out.

[@msr7827]

Probably in their language they don’t pronounce Coronavirus like in English. I wonder if the person who asked the man even knew how they call it in their language.

[@bobjanis24]

MsR Duck! I think the joke just went over your head.

[@msr7827]

Bob Janis ikr

[@viewport]

Do you guys remember in the movie “Independence Day”, when the President shows up at Area 51 and scolds the main scientist for calling the alien invasion “interesting”? ...yeah.

[@lafemmerowena]

I think you pumped the movie's rating. 😄 It was a fun movie. So was Mars attack and the platform. ☺

[@agriperma]

Someone needs to make a gif of this with trump

[@Toxica9944]

Sabine Wren 👏🏼 👏🏼 👏🏼 😂

[@napoleonbonaparteempereurd4676]

@@lafemmerowena Mars Attack's is legendary

[@middlemarv]

Yeah Bill Pullman was a way better President and he was a fictional character.

[@markstrow6992]

This hasn't aged well.

[@daveseddon5227]

Enjoying these shows - who needs audience feedback? Oh, wait, this IS audience feedback. Didn't think this through.

[@justsaying3729]

LOL

[@antzerobooks]

you avatar is so on point with you comment 😂

[@mink1994]

Funny

[@Becca-Becca-Becca]

He does so he knows when we’re laughing

[@daveseddon5227]

@@antzerobooks Thanks, I think! 🙃

[@mrfclarke]

Oh my god we are watching him slowly lose his mind.

[@PCtransplant]

F Clarke LOSE, not loose. Be best and no, he isn't.

[@mrfclarke]

J M M obviously he’s not actually. Joke killer.

[@PCtransplant]

@@mrfclarke Have you learned the difference between lose and loose?

[@mrfclarke]

J M M already knew. I’m just to quick to click send before checking what have written.

[@PCtransplant]

@@mrfclarke TOO, not to. Keep learning which is more than Trump does.

[@gettingstuffdoneright5332]

"What's coronavirus?" Thank you Stephen for the best laugh I've had in a long time! I hope you and yours stay safe and symptom free, take care.

[@dr.christopherdiaz4473]

"People don't drink the sand because they're thirsty, Lewis. They drink it because they don't know the difference."

[@ValerieJNorse]

I was just remembering that line the other day while watching this video!

[@yael763]

The American President!! Love that movie!!

[@kevink.7597]

@4:55 on this BBC broadcast, Cellphones on the beaches of Florida during Springbreak... and where they are now. Sorry to see what did this. We're in serious trouble. kzbin.info/www/bejne/bmbcdYWfmJplqqs Good luck,

[@danicerul4565]

"Two bandaids and a grin" is that a promise stephen?

[@lmarquez14]

We love you Colbert, do not be sad we are laughing at home😂😂😂😂😂😂 you are very funny! You make this quarantine less stressful.

[@bunchoffuckingbullshit5482]

THANK YOU, STEPHEN!!! We need your humor now more than ever!!!!!!!!!!!

[@WendellsCat]

This, along with all the sickening fawning over Cuomo last Spring, did not age well.

[@Zahaqiel]

Stephen, probably: "Today I am wearing Gradual Casual. Grad Cas. Grasual."

[@victoriaeads6126]

Oh, man, I think Stephen is starting to adjust to the new format. This one was one of the funniest yet, and right now, funny is PERFECT!!!!

[@Amitabha108]

My folks taught me the "2-bits" origin from pieces of eight thing back when I was a kid. Thx for that blast from the past.

[@xSUBIACOx]

If only one slice of ham was his homework ~ The dog literally ate my homework.

[@markshepherdmusic]

Stephen, you're not doing the show without an audience! We just happen to be 100% at home, rather than the usual 99.999% of us. I appreciate it must feel weird, but as long as you are there, doing your thing, everyone of us (aside from a privileged tiny minority who have sat within candy-throwing distance) takes cheer, comfort and chuckles as we always do. However weird it feels, you are gifting us a thin slice of normal cake, for which we thank you from the bottom of our hearts. I really doubt that I am alone in this!

[@lindagolden9892]

Mark - 👏👏👏

[@kamiaikens4940]

"Do your nipples even lift bro?!?" Finally a joke that doesn't feel shadowed with depression from all this isolation and bad news 😂

[@deyangxie136]

Stephen looks younger these days. 😂

[@jem2250]

"bandaids and a grin" too funny. Maybe we could be spared that view !

[@uraharasshop3547]

“Are we still broadcasting?” 😂😂😂

[@onlyrick]

To clarify on the use of the IUD - you want one for each nostril. Be safe.

[@evawinters8932]

Rick Malchow, Did anyone notice the feminine products were only being worn by men? Why didn't girls think of the bra?😂😂😂

[@bethknight4436]

Please don’t show us clips of tRump anymore - makes me physically ill.

[@MSPula]

i love that he has a cocktail shaker by the stool as he's filming. that is such a mood.

[@angelfahlife6000]

Did he hit a blunt before this because THIS WAS GOLD 🤣 I’m glad everyone is losing their mind alike

[@lazyperfectionist1]

"A woman trained her dog to deliver groceries to a neighbor with health problems." 😲 Wow. Now _that's_ a good dog.

[@BatiaAhava]

EXCEPT the virus can live on a dogs fur and transfer from Person to Person via their furs/hairs after petting them!! BE CAREFUL OUT THERE PEOPLE!!

[@paulinechapman9319]

Batia Ahava sheesh....talk abt a downer..🇨🇦🇨🇦

[@fabmd8]

Thanks for the laughs! Well done

[@TheReal008Zulu]

I can now wear women's underwear, without feeling self conscious.

[@larapalma3744]

I still do though

[@MononymousM]

Plot twist - TheReal008Zulu is a woman, from a long line of evangelical nudists.

[@shellyrae777]

TheReal008Zulu They are way prettier than Men’s, enjoy 😉

[@stylis666]

@@RedButtonTV1 I do. I mean would! I would! WoUuUULd! Speaking of wood... Anyway, gtg. Bye :D

[@annomaly751]

TheReal008Zulu *shudders* 😬

[@camelsheit_on_the_walls446]

Stephen without a tie looks just swell .

[@haveabanana2930]

"George Washington's wooden tongue stud..... lucky Martha." 😂😦😱

[@Marlowekay]

STILL SNICKERING

[@LigiaJamieson]

This was very funny... "Lucky Martha" cracked me up.

[@johnpoole8451]

Stephen, you’re dog is about as helpful to others as my two cats😸

[@andrewgentner6169]

**I would like to note that when is tsunami is coming the tide first greatly recedes**

[@LeftInBama]

that didn’t age well

[@tomd8019]

“What’s coronavirus?” 😂😂😂

[@ianmangham4570]

I'm gonna hurl