ASK ACE DAD: What if no one will date me because I'm asexual?

[@1901180108]

I know there's nothing wrong with being asexual; the question is whether I will ever find a partner who knows that.

[@AceDadAdvice]

Ace or allo, we all stumble around with a lot of wrong people on the way to the right people. So just know that being ace isn’t the only thing making not-right partners show up. Lol that’s just the universe

[@Hindustan2469]

hi.. Sarah.. I'm a male asexual, can we be life partners..

[@DND20]

The thing is that not every allo person who rejects you thinks being ace is wrong. Thinking allo people think asexuality is wrong is like saying gay men thing being a woman is wrong because they don't like women. It's just a mismatch in needs and wants, that's all.

[@theresat4782]

I'm demi and haven't dated in years because every attempt at dating was traumatic. The narrative every time was that I was broken, I was wrong, I was making them feel rejected, and I ended up with many experiences that were, uhh.... not exactly consensual. I wish I had not only had the words at that time to explain that this is just me, but the confidence to walk away rather than dealing with it because "Well it's not like someone like me is ever going to do better."

[@amywachtel9269]

My feelings and experiences exactly.

[@kasorbinski]

I feel this so much, finding this entire ace community I can FINALLY relate to just warms my whole heart

[@jclyntoledo]

Can we all be friends? bc I totally relate and it's especially hard if you are a touchy/affectionate person while dating/in romantic or intimate relationships and like to flirt. It's even harder to explain to others that while you can get aroused by them sexually you don't necessarily think or want sex with them aka not sexually attracted to them yet but more so aesthetically attracted and sexually aroused. While you can still have sex without sexual attraction it is not the same and does not feel as fulfilling to a lot of ppl. I have specifically heard that most demisexuals who have sex without the sexual attraction part do feel very disconnected and potentially gross/disgusted/terrible or violated as in they feel like they let their sexual boundaries become violated since emotional bonds also have the added factor of creating trust and safety. Again it just depends but it's perfectly fine to not want sex until you feel that pull towards that person sexually aka sexual attraction and that the importance of that can very from person to person. Again I just wish this part was included and necessary in or out of sex ed in school.

[@TakaComics]

@@jclyntoledo OH MY GOD You are like a copy of me. I'm a very flirty person with people I'm interested in, which happens to be those I make an emotional or romantic connection with, and also a person who is sensually attracted to people and quite touchy and affectionate. I've only had two partners, one of whom I dated for a long time, and one who was someone I had a connection with but ultimately found out we were incompatible (but still friends). And being in my mid to late 30s, everyone my age seems to want to get to sex very quickly, like it's the only thing that matters. Part of me has thought of just going out there and trying to be allo, the whole "just try it you might enjoy it!" vibe, but I have almost no desire to have sex, so if I put myself in that situation, I'm almost put off on the whole idea of even flirting with someone knowing it will end up there.

[@leowa399]

Just to see if I understood it right: Asexuality while experiencing arousal is like being hungry, opening the fridge and finding nothing in it that you want to eat. My allo friends might be attracted to Pizza or to cake, some even to both of it and a few basically like everything in the fridge. As an ace i still could eat pizza or cake or something else and might even enjoy it, but I would do it out of basic needs and hunger not because any of it really speaks to me and attracts me.

[@AceDadAdvice]

Exactly.

[@leowa399]

@@AceDadAdvice okay :) thank you a lot. I'm still trying to figure out how my identity is formed and if I even need to place myself into a category. Your channel offers a really safe space to these thoughts and realisations so thank you very much

[@ta_nya5240]

Personally, I find this analogy lacking, because when we say "sexual drive", the analogy would be that you'd want to eat, because you're hungry. It translates to "a desire to consume food", so finding nothing you want to eat doesn't really make much sense - at least when we're talking about adhering to that desire. I'd rather think of something like things that don't compare well. For example, let's assume there's only two things in this world to eat. One is pizza (to stick with the analogy) and one is brokkoli. So, allo people will sometimes eat brokkoli, because they feel like it, but they'll also have pizza and will generally find it "more filling" than the brokkoli and can't really imagine not having pizza. In contrast to that there are the aces who find pizza way too heavy and greasy, thus they don't eat it, but they'll happily eat their brokkoli.

[@jclyntoledo]

@@ta_nya5240 I find your analogy confusing and doesn't even relate to sexual attraction or arousal which is different. The first one the og commenter said made sense in that arousal has to do with being turned on versus sexual attraction is I want the sex/sexual encounters with said person specifically. Either way you can have sex but with sexual attraction it feels more specific your drive is aimed at a person which is why I thought the food and fridge analogy made more sense. To me the I see nothing I want was more so the I'm aroused but I see no one I specifically feel pulled to interact sexually with to satisfy this sexual arousal/hunger but I am aroused so I can do it. Just my take 😇

[@Ikine557]

God this is so relevant >< I keep telling myself that I don't date because I'm not settled enough in my life yet, but it's definitely at least partly because I'm scared no one will want to date me because I'm ace. I don't even necessarily feel deficient, I just feel like sex is so important to most people.

[@AceDadAdvice]

It is. But you can still carve out a life that's yours.

[@jclyntoledo]

This right here 😭😭😭

[@dyrgja]

Okay I'm crying now. You're the first person who recommended seeing my asexuality as a positive thing in a relationship. The most I got from others was "yeah it's hard, but it lets you sort the good ones from the bad ones" which, yeah, it's kind of true but it still sucks. Thank you for this video and this whole channel! Honestly you have helped me so much already.

[@Diane_666]

I cried too, and I don't even know why, but it's not the first time I tear up during his videos.

[@AceDadAdvice]

I'm so glad to hear it. And glad you're here.

[@Diane_666]

@WTF IS GOING ON? lmfao what, get tf out of here if you're gonna be offensive for no reason

[@Diane_666]

@WTF IS GOING ON? why? Lol

[@Diane_666]

@WTF IS GOING ON? I have no idea what you could possibly mean by that and I don't even wanna find out at this point

[@Fluffy_Wolverine]

if someone doesn't accept my set of beliefs, we won't be a good couple if someone doesn't accept my hobbies, we won't be a good couple if someone doesn't accept my choices, we won't be a good couple why sexuality should be any different? a partner that is good for me will accept me as a whole, not only parts that he likes and i'm willing to wait until i find the right one

[@aikabotinelly3000]

I'm so glad you made this video because my best friend told me to "just be prepared to spend the rest of your life alone" when I came out to her

[@VioletEmerald]

Ugh yikes!!! I'm so sorry your friend was so hurtful... Wow...

[@oceanmariep256]

That’s so mean!

[@elise2068]

I’m so sorry that you were told that! That person’s true colors came out. I really hope you have people/find people that accept you for who you are.

[@Fluffy_Wolverine]

ouch. you deserve love and don't let anyone make you feel the other way!

[@AceDadAdvice]

You deserve so much better than that.

[@Eggsther]

"we need to look at our asexuality as a feature that we bring to our relationship" Honestly this, thats why I would just introduce myself from the get go as an ace, a bit of a handy way to know if someone is an aphobe or not. If they react badly even though I try to explain what my identity is then good riddance (ofcourse this does not apply to everyone and safety should always be important) Also, congrats on the 10k subs

[@AceDadAdvice]

good approach!

[@ebonyblack4563]

To those worried about relationships while Ace: You deserve Love, and companionship goes way beyond physical exchange. Same to any Aros reading, romance and partnership are not the same thing. My partner is Ace and Aro; we have a beautiful, strong, and respectful Love that defies so many norms. He is my partner, my companion, my soul mate, and yet if you just looked at our labels you'd think we would never work. You are so much more than your labels, and Love comes in so many more forms than people imagine. I dare say if my partner was not an Ace/Aro we may not have worked so well together. I adore him, and he matches me in more ways than I'd ever imagined could be, maybe that's because I'm Demi in both sex/romance myself but even if I wasn't his ability to accept my gender and orientation have also been helped by the fact he loves me for me and not because of some label. Defy norms! Resist expectations! Be You, you're the only You there is, and You will be loved by the right people just as You are!

[@AceDadAdvice]

I adore this

[@notmycircusnotmymonkeys3627]

This is so poignant, thank you so much 😊💗

[@Andrea-go5xe]

Honestly, I would have needed to get the answer to the second question years ago. I never experienced sexual attraction, yet though I couldn't be asexual because of that very confusing situation. And you're definitely right, this is super confusing. I mean I always found it baffling how quickly people around me had crushes, but never really connected the dots before. Once again, thank you for helping me and no doubt many others get a better understanding of ourselves. To the latter questions: Whoever is reading this just stay true to yourself. When I had my first date with nineteen the guy kept telling me that even if not with him I should get my first kiss soon because it was about time and me persisting on the fact that I'll do it in my time just scared him off. So just stay true to yourself and things will sort themselves out. Don't let anyone tell you what you should or shouldn't be doing. If your (potential) partner doesn't respect your decisions they're not worth it anyway. And if respecting my boundaries is too much to ask I guess I'll just stay single forever.

[@Fluffy_Wolverine]

that is very true!

[@jclyntoledo]

X2

[@lukiruffles]

Gray ace here! I just wanted to say that, yes, there's a few who made comments and who ran for the hills when they learned sex wasn't going to be a thing, but my romantic life is very fulfilling and comforting. More often than not, people were supportive, loving and their main priority wasn't sex but the experience of being with me. There's a lot of people out there (either ace or allo) who truly value the relationship above all else. Being forever alone because you don't want sex is a false acephobic rhetoric

[@betsywilliamsonyoga]

I agree about owning your asexuality when you tell someone. I just recently embraced the reality that I am asexual. I have only told two people and now who ever reads this! 😆 But I have a physical condition known as vaginismus which is the involuntary tightening of the vaginal muscles. For me this made penetration impossible. Before I began seeing a sex therapist and doing physical therapy I would always be nervous and have an apologetic tone when I told a guy I was dating about it. It always caused problems. But once I started therapy I changed the way I spoke about it and it became far less of an issue.

[@AceDadAdvice]

That's wonderful. Owning who we are is key.

[@TrappedinSLC]

I think pelvic floor muscle issues are way more common than we tend to think.

[@laurena9563]

I'm not sure if anyone else would find it helpful, but a video on getting into the dating scene while being ace would be AMAZING. It's definitely something I want to take the plunge on, but have always been too afraid to navigate or know where to find people who would respect my asexuality.

[@AceDadAdvice]

I’ll work on it!

[@LuckAndStarfish]

Seeing asexuality as a positive rather than a negative is so hard for me. I was a teen and had just realized I was ace months before the ace House episode, and that made such a huge impression on me. It really went hard on the “you’re either broken or you’re lying” narrative, so that’s been in my head forever. However, I just realized something I never though about in relation to that, as well. Despite the whole “he’s ace because he has a brain tumor and she’s only lying about being ace” plot, they decided that she was lying because she wanted to stay with him that bad. Despite a message of “you’re broken,” they didn’t go to “you’re unwanted.” This was a tangent, and probably doesn’t make sense because I legit had this thought as I was going to comment. But maybe I’m getting enough hope from watching content like yours that I’m trying to find a positive in one of the formative memories I have of me as an ace. What a strange feeling.

[@AceDadAdvice]

Makes sense snd it’s a good connection to make

[@ttwilight_dragon]

The biggest difference for me in media was that i started to realize how much sexual the relantionship in webnovel are. The relantionship almost always come from the sexual side before the romantic, and i never realized. About desire, me, as aego, feel like sex is a very interesting thing, and as a very kinky enthusiastic, sex can be very different for each person. So each one has to see what sex is for them in my opinion

[@dawntripp1974]

Ok, I’m crying over here! Thank you so much for your beautiful words. I have avoided relationships all my life because I didn’t believe that I could ever be sexually attracted to anyone and so I thought that I couldn’t be in a relationship with anyone. I didn’t want to “trick” anyone. I had no idea you could have a romantic relationship without sex. A year ago when I was 46 I finally found out that it was possible. I’m sad that all those years were wasted but I am so happy you are out there Cody helping young people so they don’t have to struggle like me and others like me have. Thank you for being there for all of us Aces!!

[@AceDadAdvice]

YAY for finding the relationship you wanted! That makes me very happy. And thank you for the kind words. I really am glad you're here.

[@dawntripp1974]

@@AceDadAdvice thank you. I wish I had a relationship but maybe one day it will happen for me. At least I now know that romantic relationships do no require sex.

[@MsTinaBinaBallerina]

Wow it’s so good to hear someone talk about asexuality in such a positive way. When you said it’s actually an asset we bring to a relationship, that just felt so deeply true. It’s always felt like an obstacle and something to be ashamed of in my life, and most people I’ve come out to were lukewarm at best. I’m going to start celebrating this part of myself. I suppose there’s a reason we chose the word Pride

[@AceDadAdvice]

This makes me so incredibly happy.

[@cynthiardz1104]

Thank you very much for making this video, for years I've struggled with feeling "broken & deffective" because I am asexual, fortunately my partner is perfectly okay with who I am; society however always told me indirectly that I would spend my entire life alone due to my asexuality. Tysm for your channel

[@AceDadAdvice]

that's wonderful! i love hearing good partner stories.

[@grafinvonhohenembs]

Congrats on the 10.000 subs! :D And that was definitely the most non-stupid intro ever! ;) XD

[@AceDadAdvice]

Aw thank you!

[@I_am_Lauren]

There is at least 10K of us in the Ace community! Amazing! I love you all!

[@Alpha_Digamma]

Oh wow. The sexual attraction vs sexual arousal point fits me perfectly. Thanks for putting into words what has been in my mind for all this time. :)

[@AceDadAdvice]

Glad it was helpful

[@beth7215]

I SO totally dig you as a person!! 😊 As a person that just figured out I'm Ace, I have never (obviously) revealed to a partner that I am/was. I am currently talking to someone & even though he already has figured out on his own that I have little interest in sex, I'm a little nervous about sharing my 'ace-ness' with him. Its so new to me that I don't feel qualified to answer questions even though its my life! How crazy does that sound?! Sex has always been a sticky subject for me because society has always made me feel like I should want to have sex with every available heterosexual male. I just don't. I thank the algorithm gods for sending you my way! Peace & blessings to you & everyone on the Channel. ❤🫂🙏🌎

[@TrappedinSLC]

You’re entirely qualified to answer questions about you and what asexuality is like for you! Just be honest if you’re not sure how to explain something - I always tell my SO when I’m trying to explain something but am concerned I’m not explaining clearly enough because I’m still working it out myself. Having that warning seems to help him remember to ask more questions if he needs to and to confirm that what he thinks I said is actually what I was trying to communicate. :)

[@beth7215]

@@TrappedinSLC Thanks for the words of encouragement! We actually ended up having a conversation about it last night. I think it went pretty well. I think. Lol. I asked him to look at the definition of asexual because it has FINALLY explained to me that I'm not some weird freak of nature or something, that there are other people who feel this way, that its 'ok', etc. Was just honest that I didn't have the answers & basically did what you said, used personal experience/feeling. We decided that as long as we communicate, we should be able to muddle through navigating this thing together 🤞

[@beth7215]

@@TrappedinSLC well....the discussion that I thought went so well has now resulted in radio silence on his end. 😕 Not exactly confidence-inspiring. Was supposed to see him yesterday & he didn't return calls or texts. I guess its best to find out now.

[@LilMissSpeeedy01]

Thank you for also saying asexuality isn't the problem! If we find someone who then rejects us for our asexuality... it just means we weren't the right person for THEM. We will be absolutely perfect as our asexual selves for someone who is looking for what we can offer.

[@juliegolick]

While I agree that no one is under an obligation to reveal parts of themselves that they don't want to reveal, I find that things go much smoother when I disclose up-front. My orientation is listed on my social media, and I'm very open about my asexuality. The way I figure it, the people who don't want to be with an ace person can self-select out, and then the ones who remain are ones who want to be with me as I am.

[@jclyntoledo]

Yes! I agree but as a demisexual I find ppl are more confused by my sexual orientation label versus asexual 😓. Which I'm happy to discuss but would prefer not to explain if the other person is hell bent on dismissing it or not understanding it.

[@hey34]

4:35, I'd say peckish is a better analogy. I could eat for the taste and feelings but, I don't need to and I'm not hungry.

[@LilMissSpeeedy01]

I'm sorry i'm being a creepy weirdo and commenting on all your videos. I've only just discovered you in the last week, and all the videos I have watched thus far (i'll be binge watching, let me tell you lol) have been super duper helpful. Also without trying to sound like a creeper... you, your voice and who you are as a person are a total breath of fresh air. Keep being you!

[@aZevonFan]

this made me tear up, Thank you for the video. I needed to hear this

[@AceDadAdvice]

You're very welcome. I'm glad you're here.

[@lisakay8253]

I just watched you with headphones for the first time. Either you have a perfect ASMR voice or your audio setup is incredible!

[@kayleewisner1866]

Hello :) Recently discovered I'm probably aroace (after a solid few years of "what in the name of the universe am I??"), and I'm trying on the label, around friends and other people. On one hand, it's spectacular! I'm so excited to discover that I can live and be happy without somebody I'm not attracted to touching me, or marrying me, or living in my house - and that lots of people do exactly that! I want to dedicate my energy to close friends, and the arts, and loving myself, and that's awesome! But as somebody who spent a lot of childhood planning my wedding, and as someone who voraciously consumes romantic media, and as someone who really desperately wants to be personally and specifically loved (just not romantically) it's hard not to feel like I'll end up missing out on something important. Like, I'm aromantic, but I'm also a Romantic, y'know? Is that a common thing? Does anyone have advice on how to deal with it?

[@glittermytimbers]

For myself, I like to think of it like this: I am someone who deeply values close emotional connections with people. Most of the films that center around close emotional connections are about romance, and so I often enjoy romantic films mostly because of the other aspects of human connection portrayed.

[@insomniacdreamer1689]

I’m thinking of trying online dating after being single for 9 years and my mom offered to pay for match because she wants me to find a person and the idea that if you pay for it you’re more committed to finding a relationship. I’m tempted to just put in my bio that im ace to get it out of the way but I’m also certain that 95% of the messages I will get will be shit talkers so idk if it’s worth it or not

[@AceDadAdvice]

Being open and not ashamed is a great way to weed out assholes :)

[@Never_again_against_anyone]

Thank you for being here!👍👏

[@aurobot5937]

You're such an inspiration for all Aces out there. We really need more positive Ace narratives in this world, especially in topics regarding romantic rlationships :') Thank you for making these vids and congrats on reaching 10k!!!

[@AceDadAdvice]

Thank you so much. And thanks for being here!

[@satsunya6834]

Thank you so much for your videos! I found you not too long ago from TikTok, and I've been having a hard time with my own asexuality recently because I'd love to date again, but I find it extremely difficult to navigate as I don't want to reproduce past mistakes. It's really nice and comforting to see someone shine a bright light and validate many common fears or insecurities from the community. Your videos probably help many to feel heard and seen and validated, so thank you again 🖤🤍💜

[@AceDadAdvice]

My pleasure. I’m glad you’re here.

[@larissadias8401]

Watching your videos always makes me feel better, Im often scared and insecure when It comes to this aspect of my life bit you make It less scary. Thank you so much!

[@AceDadAdvice]

I’m glad to hear it. And I’m glad you’re here.

[@FOJO27]

@11:30 Me: fellow 40 something Gen-Xer feeling seen 😁🤙🏻 👉🏼 pew pew! 👈🏻 Another great vid. And WOW, congrats on the 12.7k subs, Cody!! Sending some enby ace hugs from very chilly southern Ontario... 🤗🇨🇦🌈

[@AceDadAdvice]

hey back! and thank you. glad you're here!

[@michaelvautier]

@Ace Dad, Thank you so much for taking the time to produce this content. You're videos are always so reassuring and affirmative. You've helped me to learn so much about my sexuality and gender.

[@AceDadAdvice]

glad you're here!

[@leacharbonnier2008]

An allegory I like for libido/sexual attraction is : Sexual attraction : I want sex with THIS person. Libido : I want sex NOW

[@dystopicheaven]

I know I shouldn't be ashamed to be ace, that I shouldn't be feeling broken, but it's very hard to do that because my family, my friends and my dating experiences all tell me that I should be feeling this way. Everyone i'm interested in just shut me down, or try to fix me. I don't feel broken, I don't feel ashamed, but everytime someone in my family or surroundings i feel like I should be feeling this way. I just want to be able to hold someone's hand, talk about my favorite game portal, draw next to the person while they do what they want because were spending time together.. go out, exchange, all of that! But asexuals apparently only making up 1 percent of the population makes it very hard for me to find anyone. Even if I shouldn't be feeling like I can't be loved, all my experiences tell me that I cannot be loved romantically. i'm only 19 and still I feel like i've been stepped on hard enough I don't even want to get up anymore.

[@acutiff7125]

I’ve watched this a couple times and I honestly struggled understanding the part about looking at your ace as a feature you bring to the relationship. However, after stewing on it for a while I’m back to share possible “features” it can bring: 1.) no pressure for sex which might be positive if someone has sex trauma 2.) not going to cheat on anyone by sleeping with someone else 3.) closeted homosexuals might be interested in an ace as a “cover” partner 4.) cake

[@AceDadAdvice]

This is great.

[@AlenaWill]

I feel like I had it the other way round. When I discovered I was ace, I viewed it as a unique attribute to bring into the relationship. And as I met more and more people I was in relationships with, the more I felt broken. I heard so many times that they're okay with it, they're okay to not having s*x with me, that it's not so important... and after a few months or years, they just went away. And that's how I figured that there's really no place for a monogamous, s*x repulsed ace in a relationship with an allo. Logically, I know that they were not meant for me but... I don't know.... after a few people, the error cannot be in them all, maybe it's me that's flawed. So, I have given up.

[@aidas.5927]

First comment! Love your content

[@AceDadAdvice]

Thanks for being here!

[@aevynkade5424]

Thank you so much for answering my questions, and in such a timely manner as well! I definitely need to work on what I think is my own internalized acephobia (which I probably have due to societal pressures). I am trying hard to be more proud of who I am, but those that are closest to me are not necessarily entirely supportive of this aspect of my identity. Anyway, thank you so much, and I can't wait to watch your next video!

[@AceDadAdvice]

It’s a process! So be kind to yourself. And I’m glad you’re here.

[@Amaratheoracle]

This was awesome omg thank you for your truth and healing me feel more accepting of who I am. You definitely made my human experience feel that much better 🤗🤍💜🖤 thank you 🙏🏾

[@Elisa-jr7vi]

Hi, I am very new to exploring my identity and wanted to ask if you could pleaee recommend any books/pod casts/videos etc about the subject of asexuality? Your videos have helped me so much in begining my journey, so thank you. Ignore this, just realized you have both a pod cast and a book coming out. Thank you again!

[@AceDadAdvice]

Until my book, I’d suggest The Invisible Orientation by Julie Sondra Decker and Ace by Angela Chen. I’d also listen to Sounds Fake But Okay, a terrific ace podcast.

[@Elisa-jr7vi]

@@AceDadAdvice Thank you so much!!!

[@inbemeanitoumudel9874]

Hello everyone, I have a class project to do, and it is to make a discours about something that repulsed you. I recently found a very shoking homophobic comment on KZbin that said "LGBT is not about sexuality, but having a membership feeling, like it just doesn't really exist, people just want to fell special", and, about asexuality, "that it is only part of the collective LGBT madness and doesn't exist". So, I would like to hear responses of people about this, no matter if you're part of the LGBT community or not, every response is important :) to have the max arguments for my speech, and not just the point of view of a cis panromantic person aka me. Thanks for reading my comment, and even more for answering me

[@kasnarfburns210]

I'm here wondering if you've had the experience of people hitting on you and then being puzzled by your response. I'm also wondering if being asexual is DIFFERENT than having a muted or low sex drive.

[@AceDadAdvice]

It is different. Asexuality is about not or rarely experiencing sexual attraction. Libido and sex drive are separate from that.

[@DanceInLine]

I’m glad I’m not the only one that looks at our Asexuality as bringing uniqueness to a relationship in a positive way. Yes it’s hard but perspective and how we view and create relationships is an amazing thing. 🖤🤍💜

[@AceDadAdvice]

It's a transformative thought!

[@DanceInLine]

@@AceDadAdvice it absolutely is!

[@shreyam4661]

I'm very grateful that I found your channel!! you are answering all the questions and insecurities that I have right now and it feels so safe and validating to watch your content! i still am really struggling with worrying that i won't be loved as an ace person but I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way and that you provide such good advice and validate us all so well! thank you :)

[@AceDadAdvice]

This is so kind. Thank you. And glad you’re here.

[@cellolotus8077]

Thank you so much for this video. It really helped me a lot. ❤

[@AquaFuzion]

Hello! Thank you so much for your videos! You've helped me /greatly/ in coming to terms with this part of me that I've kept hidden due to negative reactions. As a result, I've been partnerless for roughly 15 years, but have been trying to figure out how to put myself out there for dating.. Anyway! I love your channel and I'm a fan. I do struggle with one thing. Since I'm new to the idea of this, I don't understand many of the terms you're using. Took me a bit to figure out what Ace meant. Now I don't under stand what allo/aloe? (sorry, hard of hearing and CC can be odd) is. Is it possible to use terms that people newer to the public side of this can understand? Cheers.

[@ofMindandHeart]

Hi, allo is short for allosexual. He actually defined it in one of his earlier videos. It’s just a word that refers to all of the people who aren’t asexual.

[@brendalissanchez9841]

Thank you so much for this video! I really needed to hear this advice. Love this video and this channel!

[@AceDadAdvice]

Glad you’re here.

[@laurena9563]

I would love if you could one day expand these lessons/ KZbin videos into a podcast, Ace Dad! Your messages are so comforting and it would be great to have another positive asexual podcast out in the world!

[@AceDadAdvice]

I’ve been thinking about a podcast

[@TremelJackson]

I don't think asexuality is shameful how ever I would be ashamed if it turns out I'm not asexual

[@AceDadAdvice]

This made me laugh.

[@samiko6091]

So i get the difference between attraction and ... action/libido etc what do you call it when theres none of the latter???

[@guicosena]

Could you interview your husband to the channel?

[@christianrolle2548]

You always come with the best advice!!! Also just noticed happy 10k!!!

[@AriesMYCookie]

I've been thinking about this question a lot lately thank you for this 💞

[@AceDadAdvice]

You're so welcome!

[@bee42Sad]

I’d love your thoughts on the sexualized nature of the lgbt community!

[@Livinrem]

How did you negotiate being Ace with your partners

[@AceDadAdvice]

It is an ongoing process. :) Check out the videos I have on Talking to Allos. That has several of the tactics I use with my partners.

[@samiko6091]

To me i struggle to see how an ace and allo can be together if the ace is averse yet expect no 'cheating' 🤷🏽‍♀️ and in 39 years having knowingly met 1 other ace... alone is the expectation

[@juliefobair6153]

I heard I was broken from my ex.

[@calonstanni]

I feel ya! Same here. He told me that I "needed to get that fixed"

[@juliefobair6153]

@@calonstanni my ex tried me to do Viagra .

[@oceanmariep256]

Ick! Good thing he’s gone now

[@Diane_666]

Oof! I'm so sorry you had to hear that bullshit from a close person. Good riddance though!

[@AceDadAdvice]

We hear "broken" so much as ace folks.

[@emkar5112]

Love to see the drawfee Pride shirt :)

[@AceDadAdvice]

We are a Drawfee household for sure

[@BPEJS24-7]

it seems most people would refuse to be with an ace because they only care about sex. how do I tell someone I'm actually sex-repulsed or anti-sexual? and why is asexual considered a part of LGBT+? I never understood that. there is no intimacy involved as with other orientations. especially Aromantics. I just don't understand. how does one define the term "queer" and what is the logic? I'm confused.

[@kattsndragons2388]

I get told a lot that being sex and touch averse is just a phase or you’ll get over it we just have to work at it, do you ever have to deal with that? How would you respond because I know in my heart of heart it’s not a phase and I don’t really Want to change…

[@AceDadAdvice]

Be clear. Tell that person that the things they're saying, while they may think are supportive, are actually dismissive and hurtful. You understand yourself, and you're being respectful to THEM by sharing it. The least they can do is show up and respect what you're telling them.

[@DocTrower1980]

To answer the title question, it's their loss, boss.

[@amywachtel9269]

An enlightened view is great for personal purposes, but when interacting with the current world at large, it feels impractical, and yet, there is no alternative. The majority of people date for the ultimate purpose of a sexual relationship. Like, for most people, sex is what defines a "couple" as a couple. In this line of thinking, not having sex, therefore, is a friendship, not a relationship, and my concern is that if that is *most* people, we asexual people are left with a *miniscule* dating pool of indiviuals both enlightened enough to grasp the concept and willing to experience an asexual relationship personally. I am just completely overwhelmed by the thought of digging through *all the people of the world* to not only find someone practically compatible, and that i "click" with, which is hard enough, but who is also understanding and accepting of asexuality and willing to be in a relationship that probably does not include sex. Dating attempts are already an endless parade of miserable experiences ranging from boring to terrifying, and i keep waffling back and forth between "try again" and just throwing in the towel and figuring out how to just effing *cope* with being lonely and touch-starved af for the rest of my life.

[@AceDadAdvice]

I’m a sex-neutral ace person with a low libido, for whom sex is generally off the table. and I have a husband and a partner. And go on other dates here and there. And everyone knows I’m ace. And everyone knows what the boundaries are. My enlightened view does interact with the real world all the time. And yeah not everyone is the right person. But to start from the assumption that most people are going to reject you limits your options before you even get started.

[@amywachtel9269]

@@AceDadAdvice im glad it all worked out for you. Its just really really really hard to not feel defeatist after so much failure. I clicked on the vid hoping for i guess more practical help than "cheer up! Think positive!" I'm confident in who i am and i know what i want, but i despair of finding anyone who fits the bill. I'm like ready to just take interviews. I'm sick of going on dates or even striking up conversations only to find out somewhere along the line that i've wasted my time and theirs. So i guess i'll just think positive and the creepers will all fall away.

[@TrappedinSLC]

@@amywachtel9269 I’d try to change how you see dating - and potentially how you date? - so dating in and of itself feels like it has value? Like try to plan dates where the experience of going and doing the thing you do with someone else is something fun even if the relationship doesn’t work out. For example, make a list of restaurants in the area you want to try, and work your way through that on your dates. It might not end up a romantic relationship but you can still have a nice time, you know?

[@ofMindandHeart]

One thing that I found really helpful was to join communities of people who specifically identify as ace, either locally or online. Hearing people’s stories of how they’ve created successful relationships, either with other ace folks or understanding allos, can help to start to make it feel like such a thing isn’t impossible. Sometimes we need to see that something is possible in order to believe in it. And if you’re feeling tired and like you don’t have the energy to try dating right now, it’s okay to honor that feeling. It’s not a race. There’s no punishment for taking a break from it all. It’s okay to be gentle with yourself.

[@chickenboo2455]

thank you

[@AceDadAdvice]

You're welcome

[@kimslone5185]

When would an asexual person want to date? What kind of relationship would an asexual person want?

[@AceDadAdvice]

I’ve got videos about ace folks and relationships. Perhaps give them a watch. Ace people have relationships. I’ve got two partners. It’s not so unremarkable

[@samsfierybush8450]

I adore you

[@SallyLock103emeCaris]

❤

[@gretchenjohnson7485]

Obviously, asexuality is a huge positive in a relationship with another asexual. If an asexual is going to pursue mixed orientation relationships instead, the reality is that most people do not want to date someone they know has an orientation incompatible with their own. That's not aphobia. That doesn't mean that asexuality is shameful or invalid. It does mean you are more likely to find someone who wants to be in a relationship with you as you actually are if you are honest from the get go. Also, why is there this presumption that asexuals are going to date "allos"? What could be more validating than seeking out and loving another asexual? Asexuals should not be dependent on "allos" to confer validation.

[@AceDadAdvice]

You really couldn’t be more wrong. Both of my partners are allo (and there are no quotation marks needed there. It’s a real word and a real thing. So minimizing it that way is unnecessary.) You can couch this in all the affirming sentiment you’d like, but it doesn’t change the fact that the idea that Ace people should only date Ace people and that folks dating allosexual folks is some incredibly difficult thing to make happen *is* aphobic. It perpetuates allonormative ideas that diminish the possibilities for ace folks. Probably best to not do that or traffic in those ideas.

[@gretchenjohnson7485]

Asexual is a self chosen label and an orientation. Allosexual is not a self chosen label and not an orientation. It groups together many orientations in a way that some of the people referred to object to for valid reasons. Therefore I do not use it. Finding or building an in person asexual community is very important, but that is the option that requires work, information, and strategy upfront. Dating the first person who comes along, ignoring sexual orientation, is just the path of least resistance. Not providing any information about how asexuals can find each other is effectively limiting asexuals to mixed orientation relationships exclusively.

[@gretchenjohnson7485]

There has been a lot of content about asexuals having relationships with sexuals. Can we look forward to some content about asexuals finding other asexuals to date? Ace Dad, I'm happy your own mixed orientation relationship is a success story. However, you came out after marriage, which is not an applicable relationship strategy for young people who already know they are asexual. I think if you were giving advice to newly out gays you would have suggestions about finding a gay community. Isn't that just as important for newly out asexuals?

[@AceDadAdvice]

I’m a polyamorous person. So I do still date. And meet people. And have to navigate the challenges of being an ace person seeking relaironships.

[@AceDadAdvice]

And this advice is applicable for any person you want to have a relationship with: asexual or allosexual. The same kind of negotiation and communication is needed regardless of who you are looking to build a relationship with.

[@przyjacielswistakow6301]

Thanks Dad :)