Aspie Sean 85: Theory of Mind in the Q&D style.

[@BrianWader]

I like this perspective or view. Whatever works

[@Dhomazhir]

My phone was in the coffee cup of my Nissan.

[@lina987]

Hey Sean! Such a pitty your video ended so abruptly. My boyfriend has some serious diffuculties with the theory of mind not being able to come towards me and my needs at least a tiny little bit. I would be very thankful to you and your wife making an other video on that topic. It’s very hard and also hurting... Greetings from Berlin!

[@Dhomazhir]

We can't make a vid for you on so little info. What exactly is he doing and how exactly do you think this interacts with theory of mind? Also my wife would be happy to help but she is away in Texas for a week competing in a chef contest.

[@lina987]

Aspie Sean Thanks, Sean! 1. We‘ve been in a relationship for almost 4 years, living in the same city, but in 2 different flats. I‘d like us to move forward, but he is always saying nice things but when it comes to putting that into reality he is blocking... since things would obviously change and this is too scary. I have shown so much patience over the past years but slowly I don’t have the strength anymore. It’s hard coming home after work and being all alone although there is someone you love, so close and then so far away. 2. I’d like to have children with him, but he still hasn’t even introduced me to his parents who live in a different city - not once in 4 years! To me family is very important and I’d like to get to know his parents, to see where he is from and I’d like him to get to know mine. But he doesn’t wanna travel with me to my home country neither. Zero interest! This hurts so bad and makes me feel very lonely and disrespected. But he doesn’t understand why. When I talk about that and get frustrated he accuses me of wanting something very bad for him. But the fact that I feel bad for 4 years he doesn’t see. His answer: He cannot do anything. I have to change things, meaning: not to want them. He doesn‘t understand that he is an equal part of the relationship and also has to take over responsibility. 3. - thery of mind: My needs as stated under 1. and 2. are not being seen. His argument as it comes e.g. to parents is: “Since you are not seeing mine, I am not seeing yours. This is fair.” - He is not able to understand that I am a person who needs other things than him. And even if he gets it logically he is not willing to act upon it since it’s a loss for him - logically. „What do I get out of this?“ is his question always, which leaves me speechless. A never ending dilemma! 4. Compromise?! - No way! Blocking!! since it‘s a loss-loss game for him. 5. Obviously he does have some issues with his parents, but then he still goes and visits them 2-3 times per year. Although he is saying I am his new family and we do not need other „old family members“, he still leaves me Christmas all alone and celebrates with them... calling me and telling me I should not cry and be happy, since it’s Christmas. That was heart breaking. He was not at all able to understand how mean that was. A) Maybe you guys could talk a bit about it how you guys find compromise. B)How do you, Wife, make yourself being heard? C) how do you Sean deal with things you really don’t like but are important to your wife. Do you see it as a loss for you and why/why not? D)How do you deal with the stress the compromise might cause for you? E) And maybe you could also talk a bit more about trust in Aspie-NT-relationships. My boyfriend said he doesn’t trust anyone, me neither, which apparently is also a key issue here. How do you know you as an Aspie when to trust someone? Science oriented answers are very welcome! 🙏 Thanks a lot!! 🙏 Please say Hi! to your wife and good luck with the competition! 🍀

[@Dhomazhir]

Thank you I will tell her your well wishes. I think this is one that we both should handle together. She won't be back to North Carolina till Friday. Would that be OK?

[@lina987]

Aspie Sean Of course!!! Thank you both soo much!!!

[@Dhomazhir]

The Wife here- Which one of you is the Aspie? My thoughts on the matter as to possible reasoning is different depending on who is the NT and who is the Aspie.