Avoid Mentally Ill: No Families, Relationships

[@samvaknin]

Shipman called himself SHIPLEY when he murdered his patients, I should have made that clear: murderpedia.org/male.S/images/shipman-harold/reports/shipman-clinical-practice.pdf But his real name was SHIPMAN, not SHIPLEY en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harold_Shipman

[@ggram0551]

Prof. Vaknin, Please excuse the novice nature of my question. In regard to Shipman, by him referring to himself as Shipley when he was committing murder, would this be viewed as him being in a dissociative state. Or, would it/could it, be viewed as DID? From my novice understanding, I'm aware that DID, (if the new DSM is still recognizing this as such, if not, I'm referring to this d/o as when it was listed as a "disorder," in older versions of the DSM), is considered to be quite rare. However, I'm curious to know what the criteria are to distinguish a temporary "state," vs a "disorder," and if the atrocity of acts committed during either, (such as what "Shipley," did), assists in rendering a differential diagnosis, (officially), or assists in subjectively making a deferential theory. However, I also realize one's actions, (irregardless of their sinister magnitude), could also be classified as moot points as they could be viewed as collateral damage in relation to the underpinnings of the person's rational, (or lack thereof), as to why they performed such an act? Ie; a BPD and a NPD performing similar malicious acts, (due to being "kissing cousin's," of the cluster B family), however with differening "rationale," (I use that term very loosely), as to why they did what they did, and with differening hopes on the outcome(s), as well as responses to the outcome(s), but with all the aforementioned being grossly similar, (ie; destruction via distruption and analyzing their quality of new supply, however with the BPD needing "a savior," in their love bombing stage vs the NPD's need of adulation, during the same stage).

[@chiliart8056]

I have cat and my art that's ok.Im avere for long time that Im not gona live "normal"life .

[@samvaknin]

@@ggram0551 I think he was trying to conceal his tracks. More like a grandiose primary psychopath.

[@ggram0551]

@@samvaknin Thank you for the response and clarification.

[@19valleydan]

@@GODHATESADOPTION Yes, the same thought occurred to me when I was watching this.

[@kneelb4zod784]

"I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel all alone” -- Robin Williams.

[@professorchaos9]

Brilliant

[@pete5668]

One of my favorite actors.

[@samir9924]

Well said sir

[@flowergrower1247]

I knew from a very early age that I was hated by my older siblings due to jealousy. They were not kind to me nor did they interact with me in a positive way. I could not understand what I had done to deserve this treatment and as a result I was a lonely person. After my mom died, I severed all ties with them and I am learning to live my life in peace and have several real sisters that are not genetically linked with me however, I am loved by them and I return their love. I have fought mental illness all my life, mainly depression, but I am feeling well at the moment. I have learned to be strong.

[@Riya-ok6wh]

Some relations are thicker than blood

[@whygohome172]

You're amazing! 🎉❤🤟

[@melanie4926]

It took me over 50 years to understand the scapegoat position I held in my family. So much confusion in my head for so many years. I am in the grieving stage now but I feel free. Blessed.

[@flowergrower1247]

@@melanie4926 You are not alone. There are hundreds of us "scapegoats" walking on this planet and once you make the decision to look after yourself first, you will be free. Leave the bullies to find someone else to pick on. You are beautiful and deserve love!

[@melanie4926]

@@flowergrower1247 no contact was the best decision I could have made. Life is getting better each day.

[@presidentamanda7468]

The problem is that mentally ill people are often forced into society because there is so little support. We often cannot withdraw because we need to get money somehow to pay for basic needs. Also- mentally ill people are more likely to be victims than perpetrators. A lot of mental Illness stems from being a victim of some sort of traumatic event or stressors beyond their control.

[@ellenbruckermarshall4179]

Exactly! And we are thrown into the pool of they that prey on us, especially CPST on Autism spectrum.

[@deepachaudhury4336]

My husband and family hurt me for 54 years

[@bake_free_nl8749]

True 😢

[@bake_free_nl8749]

@@deepachaudhury4336 I am so sorry. Sending you lots of love dear. It's time to choose ourselves for once. We carried a hell of a lot burdens, guilt, pain and still do. While trying to manage all life's resposibilities. Feeling like a failieur BC it's too much. See this message as a sign that you deserve to have room to breathe. And to work on yourself + what you are good at. NOBODY can decide for you or me, if healing is possible. What healing means for you, can mean something totally different for me. I know 1 thing though, we made it through the valley of darkness and we are still standing. We are STRONGER and FASTER and WISER and...... have a LOT TO GIVE & DO here on earth. We, the survivors, have the power we earned, THE COMEBACK POWER AND THE POWER TO DECIDE FOR OURSELVES. You deserve love and every day you are healing yourself. NEVER FORGET THAT. "Never allow Some body elses opinion of YOU, to become your reality " Think for yourself. 💯🙏❤🌟

[@lovelv1278]

Sorry but becoming ABUSIVE is a CHOICE . STAYING ABUISIVE IS A CHOICE!!! not all abused ppl become abusers .I didn't! My covert malignant narcissist mother chose to become ABUSIVE & remains abusive in fantasy that NOTHING IS WRONG W HER . & has destroyed my life at every turn to smear my name & PROTECT HER FAKE IMAGE . stop w the enabling bs .

[@sarakristiansen437]

There is no way I’d rather start the day than with a 23-minute no-BS Professor Vaknin rant. Thank you!

[@kimberlymorrison4880]

when my BPD husband and I split up 2 weeks ago, he said, "I think I should be alone". In my grief of us splitting up after 14 years of roller coaster behavior, I couldn't understand why he would say that. This video made me realize he may be right. The poor impulse control, the anger and all that goes along with BPD I now see he may be right. Sad very sad....

[@yourneighborsdog6099]

It’s funny, everything Vaknin says about narcissism has applied to me, I realized a few years ago that I destroy anything that comes close to me, to save myself and others I isolated myself, I cut all relationships to most people and don’t get close to anyone so I can’t hurt them. It’s like my personality was a cancer and me getting into new relationships is like me spreading the cancer to the world, so I isolated and became cold, really, because I care about people, I don’t want to hurt or manipulate anyone anymore, so I chose not to get close to anyone. I became very stoic, and have been working on myself for a while… but thank you for confirming my life choices and reasonings, you’ve been helpful throughout my life, Vaknin.

[@randomcompilations201]

Read untethered soul by micheal singer

[@gnomiefirst9201]

I had a friend, rip, who had a phd in behavioral psychology. He was in the Nazi concentration camp early on and his family bought his way out. He got to the USA and then went back to fight the Nazi's and liberate the camp he had been imprisioned at. He said all psychology and academics is BS. People go into psych bc it is an easy soft field to get into w/o having to really challenge themselves. Psych is a pseudoscience. Your right when you say most problems in the health field have no solution. I have met many ppl who have had one or more back surgeries w/o any success. I come from a messed up family--- genetic, environment, psych trauma, alcoholic narcissistic gaslighting father who drove my overwrought and overworked mother of nine insane. My son in law has a personality disorder. I got involved and almost ended up needing to be rescued, fixed and saved myself. Finally I came to the same advice you give---forgive them, acknowledge to yourself they are sick, and stay away from them for your own well being. Thank you for telling the truth.

[@dankthinkeralex5653]

I dont think theres anything wrong with certain non malignant disorders like anxiety or autism spectrum disorder from seeking relationships, especially with each other. Nobody is perfect after all. And the current normal is nothing to be proud of anyways.

[@samvaknin]

I agree fully.

[@markeric1337]

@@samvaknin Thank god, Sam. I mean, you scared me a bit here. I was misdiagnosed as having GAD at the age of 17 until I finally got fed up with not much progress with therapy. I finally decided to do a full clinical psychologist 2-day assessment, which came out with ADHD and ASD, at the age of 43. I'm 43 now. So, I have friends who love and care for me. I hurt nobody, and I respect my friends and partners. I am seeing a clinical psychologist who treats ADHD, ASD; and borderline. Simply because I just spent 3 months engulfed in the most horrific relationship of my life; a petulant borderline. I was smart enough to get out quickly after I spotted the borderline traits, which I knew nothing of before. She did some serious damage accidentally in that short period. I do feel that she should have been institutionalized back when she was 16 when she took to the streets. She just simply causes excruciating pain in people she engages with. This is more what you are talking about?

[@IsaLisa23]

Exactly true. I don't agree with his harsh judgment. I guess he's never experienced any life crisis or chronic pain/injury which can cause normal anxiety/ depression, like half the zombie population

[@Micah10RKO]

Whatever "normal" means. We're all nuts.

[@realpilBMF]

Not true

[@Langolin1998]

I have told my mother, bluntly, through the years, that she should have not had children. She did more of a disservice to us, than good. My sister turned out a covert borderline, and us other children (adults) have struggled in other ways, to find our way in the world with her as our highly malignant narcissistic/psychotic mother. So sad that kids are subjected to these kinds of upbringings.

[@bertnorticus1662]

I hope you get the therapy you need. Took me years to get to a point where I was at peace. Deemzz is where it started for me...not the same for everyone though good luck ✌

[@Langolin1998]

@@bertnorticus1662 thanks. The first step was finding out and realizing that she wasn’t just a “mean mom.” Growing up we couldn’t figure out why our mom was so different from our friends’ moms. It wasn’t till adulthood that we discovered the depth of her illness. Was like being raised by Mommy Dearest’s evil twin. Then I had to accept that my sister developed her own illness/disorder because of it all. I’ve had to cut several people out of my life to get rid of as much toxicity as possible. But you still deal with the aftermath of the destruction they cause. Family or not…they have to go, in order to get peace. We need to take care of ourselves and take every step possible to not pass the damage or the traits, on to our own children. I became the opposite of everything my mother when it came to my kids. I had to break that cycle!!! Blessings to you too 😊

[@bertnorticus1662]

@@Langolin1998 same here, she refused to speak to social workers and so on...but yeah you're right, cut anything toxic from your life, I had to recently cut a friend...better than falling out with him. You've done so well, you should feel very proud of yourself. The cycle of abuse ends with me too. 😊❣

[@Langolin1998]

@@bertnorticus1662 thank you. And you are so correct. So sorry for your experiences too. We all know life isn’t perfect, even raised by normal, loving parents. But disordered parent(s) can really take their toll on you and when you’re young, you don’t know what to and not much you can do. By the time you’re grown, so much damage has already been done…years of turmoil behind you. My ex was a covert narc and abandoned four children. The lies he told regarding that were ridiculous, now that I’m out and away. But they’ll have you believing their stories in the beginning, until everything else about their lives don’t add up or make sense. Insidious, draining and every evil…people!!! Knowledge is strength 💪

[@bertnorticus1662]

@@Langolin1998 💪 fuck covert narcissists...we know things people shouldn't, thank you for sharing.

[@cindy6576]

I had a couples therapist diagnose my ex husband as “anti social personality disorder” and worked with us every two weeks for many years. Recommended we have another baby bc that is a a “project” like the other two babies that we worked together as a team. I could have been out and safe a decade earlier if I had received a second opinion earlier. The new one told to take the first bridge out, she didn’t care how just when. Immediately. She even collaborated with an attorney to help him understand he was a sociopath and more than capable of pedophilia and referred ny children to the sexual abuse council while we were still married. I did file 6 months later. Sadly, she had missed he was sexually abusing our child for years while working on “conflict management” in sessions and giving me tools to take separate cars to social events due to his “ episodic “alcoholism. She admitted he lied like he could breath, even when it was useless to lie just for fun, “clandestine” and manipulative BUT he was a “great provider”and a “family man.” It was devastating. I told her later what she had missed and enabled. She said he was good at “duping” others. Now there’s an adult child who is successful professionally but struggles severely daily with a history of repetitive, long term sexual abuse in his own bedroom. I am bot sure he should ever marry or have children yet he’s a very good and kind person. She thought the reason my husband slept with his child, then 5 years old until 11 years old, was because he was possibly repressed homosexual or bisexual and preferred to sleep next to a male and it was comforting for him. He married me because I would be a good mother., as uou me times, he was a respected doctor who was a sexual abuser. She either followed the money trail for frequent sessions for years or was impressed by his charm, sacrificing the lives of children. She always commented on his charm and charisma. I was able to get out before the younger two were sexually abused overtly and long term . I vetted therapists for my destroyed child recognizing the facts you stated in this video.. I even told her my young child told me about dreams of “daddy rubbing his pee pee” She said that she didn’t think my husband was capable of sexual abuse. I believed her. The second opinion met with him. She stated if there’s not significant improvement then 6 sessions are her limit. She was mortified by the amount of sessions we had gone to together and she even had me come separately since I was the most dissatisfied in marriage and had a sexless marriage. She’s meet and bill us twice a week or couple and individual. Her answer to him having no interest in sex with me was to suggest an open marriage so I could get my “needs met”. She said I was very attractive and capable of getting needs met outside the marriage with an agreement .” He agreed. She asked if he was gay and his reply was “not that I’m aware of.” The issue was her ability to keep us in the books for many years with glaring problems and anti social personally disorder. Back then, I didn’t have Sam Vaknin or any internet resources. I did read books towards the end when my instincts finally emerged and I felt like I needed information and maybe a second opinion. Thank you for making this loud and clear. I hope it brings awareness to others and prevents damage and fraud.

[@vicpicksinvesting5380]

That child will suffer. Help the child now

[@deliamariaalandetemanotas4931]

Your story plus Sam's point of view freeze the blood. How can a psychologist be so blind and irresponsible. God bless you and your kids

[@annetg5470]

They make a good bunch of money and don't care whether they're capable of helping you. With complex problems with a complex disturbed toxic partner/ hubby; you need to find an exceptional qualified and wise therapist. I've never been able to find one! Except videos like Sam Vaknin that explains everything we should have known for fort + years. How different our choices would have been ! Now we can only pray to minimize the damage done to our children.

[@brendaplunkett8659]

Going to couples therapy with a psychopath will kill you. It gives them more fuel.

[@cindy6576]

@Nature of course! The 2nd child we aligned with homebirth and she thought it was a “project” we did well together. She literally suggested we have a 3rd. She also recommend the “ungame.” It’s a card game for couples and families. Yet she was okay with him being “clandestine and a man unto his own island” liar, “episodic alcoholic”, she was not opposed to his self medication with prescriptions or daily marijuana use (he was a surgeon) as that was a moral difference issue. She thought he was getting his needs met outside the marriage and might be bisexual or gay. Then in next breath, you two works together on the baby common interest. I gave her what I call the exit interview. She said “well I think your husband is a sociopath.” Back then, very little was written about it (2002 to 2006). She was liberal and later I realized specializes in gender and sexual identity. Even so sympathetic toward a man who sleeps next his son? Suggests pregnancy to a lying, questionably bi or gay, substance user? When I confronted her she decided he was an opportunist who did whatever pleased him despite the Riggs or feelings of others. Whatever was pleasurable at the moment: man woman or child.

[@archangelrach1359]

Wow, thankyou Prof Vaknin, you have just validated me after finally ending my relationship with a very mentally unstable partner who I tried to fix, save, repeatedly forgive, understand, beg to go for therapy, all the while being on the receiving end of his abuse and projection. I gave up after the last psychotic episode and before I myself was damaged beyond repair. The partners and loved ones of the mentally ill are frequently overlooked and are often washed away in the nightmare floods of the mentally ill partners chaotic emotions xx

[@smilersmiling]

I’m glad you got out. You cannot fix these people. Don’t think of their potential it was never a thing that could of been realised. They don’t see love and relationships like adults. Their minds do not and will not ever function in a way that allows them to have healthy adult relationships. Learn to love yourself and learn to not get involved with people like this again

[@archangelrach1359]

Thanks James. All the best.

[@gnomiefirst9201]

@Archangel 777 so true, the ripple effect isn't a ripple, it's a Tsunami, especially for ppl that are dealing with their own lower level disorders like me. Take care of yourself.

[@AmericanMuslimTV]

I’m dealing with it now. Trying to figure out the best way to get out of the relationship

[@dariazukowskapsychologkliniczn]

Prof. Sam Vaknin thank you for your honesty with this topic. We all need this kind of truth! Thank you

[@samvaknin]

You are one of the rare exceptions: a therapist who is both helpful and honest about the realistic limitations of therapy.

[@cbotello009]

Thank you both.

[@badgodable]

I am severely ill mentally. I am also good artist. Thank you for helping me SO much with this video.

[@Bojan_V]

Hi. What kind of art do you like? Painting, music or something else?

[@Tarotcooks]

Most of the population then 🤣

[@lonewanderer9982]

yep....

[@JAK2011100]

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

[@bohobabie5987]

@Nature most of are traumatized. Which is why we have to have compassion with ourselves and others.

[@pqt112]

The system profits off of dysfunctional people

[@a_new_life_41]

I appreciate this refreshing honesty and speaking the ‘unspeakable’ in mental health, which still seeks cures like the holy grail. I am not sure of the limits of your argument, because it could mean sequestering at least 50% of humanity or more at this point, but I do believe that ripping off the bandaid of denial is very important, esp for those who suffer and struggle, and telling them, “Your illness will limit you, you will have to make major compromises over time, and the longer you deny your illness, the greater the compromises you’ll be forced to make later in life due to your illness.”

[@michaelangelo6661]

It's amazing how you said that therapy only works on healthy people. People only change if they want to, and if a mentally ill person doesn't want to change... You'd think therapy is for the ill yet only healthy people are aware of their need to change and are willing to do so. Therapy for the healthy - ha!

[@prismbrandingrealestatebra6301]

My therapist was one of the few good ones. He told me in my third year of seeing him that because of my trauma my identity will never be clear. I will never have a clear idea of who I am. I can stop looking for part of me I lost as a toddler.

[@joolzali4209]

What kind of trauma did you go through if you don’t mind me asking? Because I’m soul searching now and I cannot find answers

[@Tluv_1955]

U need Jesus , In Him we are found !

[@prismbrandingrealestatebra6301]

@@joolzali4209 My babysitters father was closet pedophile. He raped all the boys under his daughters care. I left my body during this experience and only about 70% of my sense of self came back.

[@Tend2Rose]

This is so true - thank u Sam for being so honest. I was with my ex narcissist for 5 years and I was very happy before i met him. Thought I had met the guy I would spend the rest of my life with. I am no longer myself. I suffer from anxiety, sleep problems and I seem like I lost myself due to the abuse, manipulation, projection, lies, triangulation, future faking, push pull, verbal abuse, sexual exploitation, porn addiction, weed and alcohol addiction. The betrayal and destruction of my spirit from this mentally ill man has changed me forever. They cannot and will never be normal - they will continue to hurt others for the rest of their days. They are all out there and lurking on date sites - I will stay alone until I heal. I don’t want another relationship.

[@viajandocomaPatty]

I am on the same page you are. No relationships until I have given enough love to myself to the point I am healed.

[@Jenga_Henga747]

I promise you God will heal u in your reach out to Him. I experienced a similar situation and can promise as time goes on it gets better.

[@alias701]

Take responsibility for yourself. As a free person no one has to be in such a relationship (except you really are locked).

[@Jenga_Henga747]

@@alias701 I see what u mean but these people put up a front for who they are. You can blame a vicim for falling into a trap.

[@Rubyrun2068]

@@alias701 Not always, some take away your choice. With stalking, physical abuse, near imprisonment. My ex is in jail

[@beatrice349]

Thank you so much, Sam sensei. Sometimes the pain of being no contact feels just as painful as being with them but your body knows it has to be this way, to stay away for homeostasis. And if we go back, as their successful social standing can be a palatable way to deceive ourselves then we have learned nothing of this life lesson. The need for us to sometimes put ourselves first for the sake of sustaining and preserving our own health, sanity and humanity, even if we love them.

[@lightgrey5365]

harsh but i see your point and it feels very sobering and liberating actually. my life is being destroyed by this dream of being normal. im not investing in my talents because of it.

[@lightgrey5365]

im autistic by the way. it's not a mental illness per se, but it's something i can't change. all my cousins are autistic as well.

[@Suskinwalton]

Same. Harsh, but necessary.

[@luckystone2293]

I know your comment is old but you are so damn right. I was the oldest daughter of dysfunctional family and as soon as I started to realise my family system was messed up I would desperately try to fix myself and make myself normal. Only now, some 12 years later I realise I should use what my traumatic childhood gave me. I am a natural at taking care of people, I can solve complicated issues, I read people's emotions and can drive situations towards the best resolution, I organise the great trips and find the best deals, I am great in emergency and don't break down. The key is to stop fighting the nonsense fights. You were traumatised (which is what most of these mental ilnesses are)? Throw the bad stuff, keep the good because it is there whether you are ready to admit it or not. Don't fight with yourself. Instead, grind and polish yourself into the version of you that you want to be. Slowly but surely. Another advice I have is pay attention to your body and take care of your body. We often hear it all starts in the head but I noticed I can often control my thought process, but when my body gets an adrenaline or cortysol shot it's too hard to resist. Don't stress yourself and your body unnecessarily. Uninstall social media. Don't eat crap reguarly, don't take any substances, no alcohol, not too much caffeine. Exercise or at least keep moving. And don't compare yourself to anyone because they did not live YOUR life, with YOUR family/care system and YOUR genetic makeup.

[@qitae]

Unfortunately it wouldn't be the narcissist who goes to therapy to hear this anyway, it will be the person with anxiety who might be pretty harmless. I wonder why mandatory mental health screenings aren't a thing for certain professions

[@lisabaginski9155]

This is the most passionate and lovely prayer and plea I have ever heard. It is the most sane thing I have ever heard. It’s a blessing. Thank you.

[@linberg5443]

💯 You are almost always totally on the money Sam. I have so much respect for people who choose to remain childless or single. They know themselves well.

[@michaelstevens9109]

Sam Vaknin... i have listened to 100s of hours worth of your videos.... i love how brutally honest you are about all your talks.. You really helped me heal and recover after a relationship breakdown.

[@Truckguy1970]

“There's no normal life Wyatt, It's just life. Get on with it.” - Val Kilmor, Tombstone

[@TheRealOMT]

Is it mental illness or just not fitting in a sick society? Maybe it’s mental strength 😜

[@SixteenVoice]

This is also my question. I hope the Dr. can consider this in the future. In the same way he mentioned the idiot American idea of curing all illness, there is a lot of mental illnesses that are only mental illnesses in North America, Eastern and Western Europe, Australia, and Israel for instance, but not in South East Asia, Africa, South America, and the Middle East. The reason being how different the way of life is in these areas. The concept of stress, anxiety, and triggers, for instance, manifest much differently in group A than in group B.

[@DavidWalleStreet]

I’m only halfway through your video and I understand, I get it. Still, I’m thankful I’ve had the guidance from two specific professionals who helped me over many years how to cope, understand myself, care for myself and make realistic adjustments accordingly: not being so emotionally invested when I shoot for the stars yet learning how to push myself when I’m believing the worst. And I’ve learned the food, exercise and mindset can have a tremendous effect on mood disorders, i.e. I don’t believe everything I think or feel. Lastly, even a small amount of alcohol can be devastating to someone like myself. And for some of us, that’s only the beginning;-)

[@juanitabullock4342]

Absolutely! I never thought about my depression and anxiety that way before. I have always wanted a cure but now realize that it is a condition that I have to live with and manage. Thank you Dr. Vakin

[@samvaknin]

Vaknin

[@jondavidgriffin]

Juanita, Vaknin is a convicted fraudster with no experience of clinical practice. Please do not believe what this man says. With self love, study and dicipline, depression and anxiety are most certainly treatable! Try the channel of Andrew Huberman if you want quality advice! x

[@rachelcronin916]

You're the best at explaining in layman's terms and the reality of being involved with the mentally ill. There will never be another Prof. Sam Vaknin. Thank you so much for all your informative videos on the lives of the mentally ill no matter how utterly devastating, all you speak is too true, sadly enough perhaps. You are a wealth of education to us all. We are the fortunate ones.

[@zhollamychalis4252]

That was absolutely brutal. Especially for one who has both an Axis and an Axis II. Please sir...keep it coming.

[@lucillepassos3135]

One of your best. Thank you Sam. I've been following you for many years.

[@antoniodrosario8057]

Thank you for this video Professor Vaknin. Watching your content lead me to taking actions from developing relationships with unhealthy people I live with in a homeless shelter but also with women I dated that were narcissists and even my own family. Its been painful for months having to accept this but I've always known this and it's that psychology can't fix the worst of mental health as it is but what it has available makes a huge difference through how you teach it and if I can mitigate my anxiety somehow by how I think temporarily it helps tremendously. Not only did I realize from what you teach that if I'm still capable of making choices they would be revolved on how I choose to live the rest of my life. Now the future rests in me accepting that for my health and for the health of others that superficial interactions with people are probably the only thing I'm capable of having. My parents are twice my age and are in a shared fantasy and I lived in it my whole life. For me to try to take them out of that delusion would be abuse itself. It took my ex narcissist to abuse me with truth to push me to see what was behind my own delusions and since then many of those delusions that held my repressed pain haven't been able to come back. I can't say I'm better but accepting what's in reality is far better for a healthier future than rejecting reality.

[@dancadis4241]

As a self-aware sufferer of strong traits of a narcissistic personality disorder, I agree with the statements made in this video 100%

[@brainiac31K]

I am curious to hear what you would say to those of us who grew up with a mentally ill family member. Is the illness or disorder “contagious?” The after effects of growing up with the scars and fears developed from growing up with a mentally ill sibling, in my case, have hobbled my attempts at a decent life as well. I married a partner who was mentally ill, although quite devious in keeping it from view for the first years of our marriage. I’m old, my family is gone, my spouse is too, the echoes are fainter but lasting. I’m glad I cannot have children.

[@williammcarthur1966]

Was it a brother or a sister, John? I'm 30 years old and I think I'm permanently fucked up by having a fucked up sibling

[@brainiac31K]

@@NateEylar My ex made fun of my spirituality so I’m enjoying returning to my daily prayer and meditation routines. A return to peace.

[@522beatsprod.5]

I want to thank you for this. Fr. I had the worst episode of my life today. And I said how I really felt. I was sad and that my dreams were dying. I don’t have a mom or dad at all. And I was screaming about it till the point of the police coming. By the time they came I was just chillin crying with no sound and I asked them to leave I just need ten minutes to recollect and proccess. They gave me my ten minutes and I took the bus home. I was so stuck on the family dynamic that I’ll never have. I’m glad you said the hurtful things I needed to hear, because I was tired of the therapy fixes you, I’ve been in therapy since I was 6, and everything you said here I’m going to apply it to my life. I need to focus on what I’m good at. Thankyou. And I’ll keep my episodes at night or go to the escape room if my anger is to powerful. *for those who want to know, escapes rooms have destruction rooms, that are safe for everyone, it’s 30-50$ but it’s worth it to have a safe space to be angry and break things without breaking the law, or hurting others. You just have to schedule ahead of time.

[@juiceknot]

I love this channel. He’s honest. Save yourself. You cannot save them. It’s like the zombie show, The Walking Dead. Once you’ve been bitten, there’s nothing anyone can do for you. Game over.

[@lisabradley3987]

I fitted the criteria perfectly for BPD as a young woman. My life was hell and I made it hell for others around me, including 2 husbands. Today at 54 I appear to have outgrown all of the traits. I’m calm, level, no splitting and certainly no self harming. No drugs or alcohol. I no longer fear abandonment (it used to terrify me) Seemingly “normal” Is it possible to outgrow BPD? Have I just learned better coping mechanisms? I don’t see myself as cured, but I do feel and act very different now I’m older. Do you come across this much? I haven’t had any therapy ever. Thanks Sam

[@samvaknin]

Do your homework and search this channel. There is a playlist dedicated to BPD.

[@19valleydan]

BPD can start remitting in the early 30's. Perhaps the brain heals itself over the course of time. Same with ASPD and men in their 40's. The latter was commonly observed in my work as a counselor in a prison.

[@19valleydan]

@@wildhorses6817 Those factors would be welcome and may indeed be helpful, but I think we also need to look at the idea that all organisms have a built-in maturational goal, so to speak. I can't prove this, but I tend to think that sometimes when the primary developmental pathways are blocked for whatever reason, that the brain eventually finds another way, although what was supposed to occur early in life and take a few years instead happens later in life after a few decades. Kind of like having to take the side roads rather than the developmental interstate, so to speak. Admittedly however, as I said I can't prove this. Maybe someday (centuries form now per Prof. Sam?) someone will.

[@karek4635]

I wonder if hormones were the underlying cause of the BPD symptoms all along. I'm guessing at 54 you have gone through menopause.

[@myjoyisCHRIST]

@@19valleydan I have struggled with mental illness for most of my life and I've had so much therapy. I've been on medication for nearly 3 decades and the only way I have improved is by seemingly trying to grow up and mature so I think you might be on to something there. It made me very sad to watch this video because it made me feel like we should just kill ourselves and save the world a lot of trouble, but I have realized that others are not only harmed by a relationship with me, they also have benefited, because I have good days, too. When I have difficult days they have learned empathy and patience so I don't believe those of us with mental illness should be discarded or ostracized like this video made me feel but I feel we have our place in society just like handicapped people. I heard someone say once if you have a handicapped child you should kill them at birth but I think there is a place for learning compassion and empathy with people who are less than perfect because not one of us is perfect, only Jesus. And I look to HIM day-by-day to walk in my healing. Doctor Sam says we cannot recover, ever, but we can still grow and mature as people, and our symptoms can be reduced. When we focus on building ourselves up increasing our maturity and self responsibility step-by-step we can learn those lessons that we failed to learn in our childhoods being raised by our mentally ill parents, and our children, if we already had them (as in my case) can learn and mature as well and we can help them on that road because we've been there been there. So I disagree with the premise that we are people to be avoided at all costs I think that is a cold and clinical and cynical view, lacking a heart, lacking compassion and totally devoid of any hope.. When someone has a spiritual faith they can have a hope that is beyond what a doctor can conceive of or provide so I would say that is an avenue definitely worth exploring for anyone reading my comment here.

[@hybridviol]

best reality check I’ve ever gotten , regarding myself and others . Thank you Doc Vaknin

[@JohnSmith-lk8cy]

LOVE THIS VIDEO! YESSSSSS! I have three friends who are therapist and the exnars current partner is a therapist. They all live with narcissists while they are supposed to be counselling couples on how to have a great relationship. Makes me angry and amused at the same time. I love that you say that personality disorders are mental illnesses. I have always thought that!

[@NorthshoreCaregiver]

How do we look as humans. Casting off our family members to not be cared about or loved. These people belong to the human family and we care for & love them. Some of what you say maybe true. But how is it morally right to give up on sick people?

[@peterberan6344]

Thank you Sam, thank you for this video. Honesty is a scarce commodity in todays hysterically positive world, and despite knowing how much shit you are going to get for this video, I value you and your honesty. And thank you for your kind words when we met in Bratislava.

[@dailypurity1576]

I was lately diagnosed with CPTSD but the trauma is related to my childhood I suffered selective mutism, which was neglected and untimely diagnosed,untreated for years and I was left not talking for years , that caused a lot of confusion in my early childhood since I was not being seen at all even when I was being bullied because of the mutism.The deludedness was insane while I was being neglected . My family members are all ignorant and maybe even ableists they expect me to forget about it and move on and don’t show any emotional side to other people.But that was impossible. One time my mom forcefully hospitalized me to a mental hospital, I met psychiatrists who laughed and smirked when I was crying and not even listening to what I had to tell them .After that I started having panic attacks and autonomic dysfunctions for years I don’t know maybe because of the trauma and the distrust in humanity. I was totally sick for years and that made me vulnerable and sometimes aggressive but I wouldn’t have the energy to cause tremendous harm. Being weak for years made me severely depressed , I also have learning difficulties , and that’s why I find it difficult to function in workplaces. I have experienced being a waitress overseas and stuff but honestly I sucked at it . It’s weird how a person who used to have selective mutism worked as a waitress but that was how much I was being ignored and pushed and forced. I’m slowly healing and I’m able to meet friends once or twice a week .But I’m not able to function in society well, I have learning difficulties and depression. I am now learning about selective mutism and early developmental problems to share my experience and awareness and that is all I can do rn.

[@Bojan_V]

I wish you a complete healing and a happy life! You certainly deserve it...

[@dailypurity1576]

@@Bojan_V　Thank you, you're very kind.

[@KitKat-te7jn]

This is such a refreshing opinion and forgive my ignorance, but I have never heard of it. The mentally ill should not form families and avoid close relationships. It's controversial but shouldn't be. There is no need for a push to fix mental illness. Let it be but just don't hurt others. It's so simple in its beauty.

[@Alice77550]

In a world where we believe we can fix or control everything, this is a stunning truth!

[@MSI-r8m]

You can't force them to work in society. But you can give them a better life with wellfare benefits

[@heartquaker427]

Apart from therapist and psychologist, there’s also this Spiritual Gurus… it’s mostly prevalent in this south Asian countries like India 🇮🇳, Nepal 🇳🇵, Burma 🇲🇲, the narcissism behind these gurus is beyond disgusting 🤮🤕. Also the people seeking truth and help from these spiritual narcissists are so stubborn that they cannot tolerate anyone pointing finger at them and correcting them …….

[@silvermoonuk]

hi. I have long term mental health problems. even though it is hard, but I have chosen not to have kids or go into a relationship until I can manage properly in daily life - but realistically, that will never happen. it is sad that I never be 'normal' but I don't want to go into a toxic relationship or burden my issues on future children. I see many mentally ill people going into relationships, and so many relationships are toxic....or they put their toxic ways onto their children sadly. I agree with Sam here. it may sound like Sam has no empathy here but it's more cruel to burden your future children and relationship with your mental health issues. I'm learning to be independent and be alone and focus on improving myself first but taking on things.

[@ash1277100]

I’ve developed health issues at a younger age and it’s made all my mental health issues 100 times Worse … I was planning on having children but I’m not so sure anymore , and it has effected my marriage :( x

[@jondavidgriffin]

So much healing is done within relationships... you will meet the person you are meant to be with to undergo a period of healing. Please don't listen to this fraud - he knows nothing about life at all.

[@borg-borg-2015]

Here I would like to be a bit more somewhat careful about topics like 'isolating' - who will do the diagnosis, who will measure - who will decide that someone should be isolated, and how much isolated. I agree for serious cases, but what about ones on the middle part of spectrum ... how should we deal with that. I have had some experiences with unhinged people, it can be very exhausting and traumatising, thus I much prefer staying with sane naturally. Being surrounded with sane people can be somewhat healing, provided that the sane people are emotionally and rationally intelligent and aware of the issues, and have enough resources and patience to deal with occasional weirdo.

[@samvaknin]

I am talking about self-isolation and about the need to avoid mentally ill people in daily life - not about mental asylums and concentration camps.

[@brendaplunkett8659]

I had no contact with my narcissistic father for 30 years. My children never knew him. I feel I saved them from the crazyness and generational abuses that would have been afflicted on them. They are generally well adjusted people. I had some good therapists to help me tecover.I wish I knew about Dr. Vaknins work. I would have made it easier. He, my father, died recently and I feel so relieved he is gone and cant infest and molest anyone else now.

[@monavis2356]

Man, I love you. This is so true !! My parents should have never ever gotten into a relationship and had kids !!! I am breaking that F***king intergenerational cycle !! It ends with me !!

[@KarenKeating-t2p]

Me too my friend 💜 We're actually the lucky ones. Everything in their world is upside down and inside out. Let them untangle their own mess ✌️

[@monavis2356]

@@KarenKeating-t2p I agree. I'm just glad I don't have a child and this ends with me. My brother has done the same. Thanks for your comment.

[@KarenKeating-t2p]

@@monavis2356 I chose not to have children when I was a child. Couldn't bear the thought of someone that I loved feeling suicidal like me. Turns out to have been the best decision I ever made. No guilt. I wish you well on your journey 💜

[@monavis2356]

@@KarenKeating-t2p Me too, I was 3 when I knew I'd never want to have kids cause I love them so much and would not want them to experience such neglect. I am 45 now and it has been the best decision I ever made. I have 11 god-children whom I love to bits and they keep me busy from time to time. All the best to you too. We are fortunate to have access to such priceless knowledge and experts like Sam

[@erinmorrow5001]

Brilliant ! THANK YOU for the confirmation.

[@mariemarie4275]

Thank u very much for this- i came from a disgust family being the 2nd youngest of 11- i was the patsey for all of them. I disowned all of them but suffer tremendously 4 it.

[@natebliss5656]

Only the person in charge of their meat suit may decide how to get on living in spite of their past problematic behaviors. Good luck fellow pseudo scientists and spiritual people 🙏 amen

[@nathansmith-nd9nq]

Thanks for giving it to us the way it is Sam ! That why I appreciate this channel so much . Your work helps me and people understand things that are so criptic and complicated . So a big thanks for your amazing work .

[@alisonschmitt9533]

Where do people who are working to heal relational limitations from trauma and CPTSD fit into this? Are we also to avoid relationships? We weren’t born mentally ill, we have issues that stem from trauma and abuse. Are we in the mentally ill category here?

[@samvaknin]

No. Late onset CPTSD is transitory.

[@samvaknin]

@@matthewatwood207 Late onset means late in life, not during childhood or adolescence.

[@alisonschmitt9533]

@@samvaknin what about CPTSD from childhood?

[@luckystone2293]

*or neglect

[@LC-qi5ff]

Thats the course i have chosen. Isolation, no relationships, job without colleagues. Cant wait till i dont have to work anymore, then my isolation will be complete.

[@warilaetamaraye8712]

This help me to heal, help myself, forgive those who hurt me!

[@friedose4099]

Thank you Dr. Vaknin. I feel understand.

[@mormontomormon8976]

These comments are astounding. A wake up call to the Therapy Industrial Complex! Thank you all for your candor and humanity. Sam, how do your comments relate to what you previously said about temporary self states, particularly with regard to CPSD? Thank you so much for any reply or response. Wendy

[@philosopher24680]

Ideally, we would have gradually intensive lifelong management of symptoms depending on severity of the pathology. Going by Kernberg's work, those PD's with the highest level of personality organization (such as Depressive-Masochists and high functioning Histrionics) would have limited mandatory check-ins/therapy and just be encouraged to simply not take certain specific jobs, "relationships" may be feasible if the partner knowingly accepts them as they are, but they would have to be warned first. The next level of disorganized Personalities (Agentic/Communal Narcissists, Passive-aggressives, some Sadomasochists, Hysteroids, etc.) would have more regular check-ins and "relationships" should only be encouraged (though not mandated) with compatible personalities (forms of codependents and other PD's). More jobs involving power would be barred. Potential partners should be given a more severe warning of the PD they would be involved with. Supply would be offered to help internal regulation of emotions. The most dangerous and lowest level of personality organization, the Primary Psychopath and Malignant Narcissist, I'm honestly not so sure what's to be done, it would obviously be logical to have them housed away from general society akin to a cushier minimum security prison but I don't know how defendable it is apart from my selfish desire for self-preservation. At the minimum they should have the greatest restrictions on jobs that deal with others. The borderline seems to be oddly largely treatable, on the other hand, but would need mandated therapy. None of the above should raise children. This would probably be as close to a solution as we could get today in a utopia with enlightened and empathic citizenry, heavy investment in medical science and advanced diagnosticians. In our world your solution is the much better one.

[@lismmoreau5554]

I needed YOU to say that! TY! VALIDATION!!!

[@abhishek-px4jj]

Thinker is the thought, observer is the observed, analyzer is the analyzed - Jiddu Krishnamurti

[@trulysovereign7837]

This is the reason in mental health case management when they are inconsistent with their goals, I do not take it seriously but wish them well.

[@IrinaPoli-c8q]

“Things as they are…” as always…thank you…

[@SpiritDestiny]

That was hard to listen to. As a daughter to my mentally ill mother, it's definitely not been easy. She has spent most of my life in & out of the hospital, under sections.. However, I am here & some of my biggest lessons in life are directly from my upbringing with my mum. She taught me independence, self care & resilience, which continues to help me now as an adult. She has full-blown psychotic episodes. And it's incredibly sad because I do love her so much, but I do keep a healthy distance for my own wellbeing & need to protect my children. It's not easy, but I do think that you can still love & care for a mentally ill loved one with boundaries. Also.. through my own experience when visiting my mum in hospital, I've met some of the most loving, creative, hard-working & decent people. Some people were under section due to burnout, loss of a loved one & various traumas.

[@kimsherlock8969]

In desperate depression 😪 I was put on a waiting list for psychiatrist 45 minutes for 3 hundred dollars. I arrived on time waiting Found something to read Advertising Tiffany's Diamonds The Psychiatrist Had big Diamond studs in his ears . So my life is Tiffany's Diamonds as your 🥕 carrot in doing Nothing .

[@sars11able]

Oh my god, this video hit me so hard I almost started crying.

[@spiritualone1]

I Appreciate you telling us the Real Truth. Thank you

[@MrIlya494]

When we imagine bettering ourselves we so often imagine entirely different selves, who never existed and never will. Self acceptance and truth, I think, can do much good. But I am no specialist)

[@lostlands42]

Outsiders will think this is cruel, but they mostly have no idea how hard it is to live with a schizophrenic parent being bullied and treated like shit most of the time. I could write books about it. Happy moments were rare inside our home. And I am glad to be concieved but I don’t even wish my worst enemy the hardships we’ve been trough and my mam, she was treated so bad and since he passed away we learned to know a peaceful life again. Though we loved him in a strangly divided way, we were always in extreme fear. My god it was an aweful violent man and no could help us in any way to stop it Please isolate them for all the futures loving human beings sake

[@SuperScorpiorising]

Totally agree! Accept, adapt and modify if possible. Work on their strengths. Thankyou Sam x

[@juliesummerfield5404]

I tell you all this good information comes to late, I really need help when I was younger,so Iam running from the monster of my misfortune 😢 I keep learning and keep running.

[@11Deigratia11]

If there’s one expert in the industry worth paying attention to, it’s you, Professor Vaknin. I just wanted to comment that your views remind me very much of Foucault’s History of Madness. He notes how madness only came to be seen as an illness with the emergence of the Age of Reason, where industrialization, science, and logic rules. Before, in the medieval ages, madness was left to the realms of divine providence, and the mad were seen as connected to dimensions the rest of us could not see. I just found it interesting how as the Age of Reason progressed and crystallized into an age of global capitalism and technological consumerism, so has madness crystallized into an i escapable madness of the self that threatens to devour everything in its wake. It makes one wonder; how did the ancient peoples deal with the mad? What did they do in comparison to ours, and was it better. By god, if one does exist, I hope I get your thoughts on Foucault one day. Your sharpness reminds me of his.

[@NorthernGuy-v1x]

I am better off single, and my would-be partner is better off without me. Two things stop me from being "relationship material" - a lack of willingness to give up much of the control I need to have over everything and #2, a dislike for most common social and leisure activities. If there is a duck out there odd enough for me, then perhaps one day we shall meet. But if we don't, I'm not going to try to have a "normal" relationship with a "normal" person because, well, I'm just not normal. And... that's actually okay.

[@narctroopersnarcissisticab3244]

What you said about the Narcissist resonated with me because my ex husband within PT is an artist. He does the most amazing work I’ve ever seen and then he goes on to self sabotage and ruin it by doing terrible things to it to make it better. It is hard to watch. But I think you’re right. We need to practice radical candor and tell them straight up what they are and what they can be. He can be an artist. He can have casual relationships. He can convince himself he’s the victim hero in the story. But he can never ever be normal and his attempt to be a normal husband with a home and a job was 16 years, a failed experiment, and abysmal failure.

[@ericwelvaert4780]

I'm a 55 year old autist. When I was finally diagnosed 4 years ago, I was very glad I never been in a relationship. I always knew I was different,, and I didn''t want my children to suffer like I had.. This vidao, however painful, confirms what I have been thinking all of my life. Thank you.

[@ericwelvaert4780]

@@sunnybein1 I understand your point of view, but there is a reason why autism is included in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5).

[@dankthinkeralex5653]

@@ericwelvaert4780 Yes I have ASD and know this is why everyone hates me. I am glad I have my GF though and will be quitting my job by next year to live with her, so I dont need to interact with others anymore. I wont have to be reminded of my inferior existance anymore at my stupid job again.

[@Aditya-cs2jn]

Professor, where does concepts such as post traumatic growth and resilience come in the equation with reference what you say here? I'm unable to integrate these ideas

[@samvaknin]

They come from the commercial scam called "therapy" and the pseudoscience called "psychology".

[@Aditya-cs2jn]

@@samvaknin thanks Professor

[@DerMelissa]

This is truth.Not a popular opinion but TRUTH

[@Ruxandra-mr3sp]

WOW good for u ! Finally Some Truth Talking

[@dalirusia6457]

Great video. Question: how should high functioning person with anxiety disorder fulfill their needs for relationships? Anxiety in particular is not a threat to others, do you have any advice on this subject?

[@simplyMrs.]

@@NMTDelightfulMusic this is really good advice

[@graveallure]

I gave up and went into seclusion at age 24. I am bipolar one. As much as this sounds hurtful and offensive, I knew procreating was wrong and that my mother should not have done it. Though I question just how many are mentally ill. Like, the vast majority probably in one way or another? Suicide is most merciful and if this man is right, it should be assisted and legalized because not having love but living anyway is not possible. That is what "normal" people can never know. Having a pet does not compensate.

[@b.l70]

Thank you for being so honest with us. Sigh...radical acceptance...I'm f*** for life.

[@Watermelonn8990]

Thank you. It's so good to hear the truth plus good sense.

[@mariaalforque6430]

Thank you for your video! No wonder seeing psychologist is so expensive 😫. And my trauma is still there in my brain. You are a genius 👏

[@zakariyaadeel2862]

Thank you Sam. This was helpful. 🙏

[@nicoleaube4729]

Yes, you’re right. At one point it wasn’t tolerated as much as it is now - society used to have locked facilities called “asylums”, and families used to commit their family members. It’s hard to understand what changed, except that it’s very possible that crime, abuse and un-virtuous behaviour has become so widespread and pervasive that no one can really clearly identify the warning signs anymore.

[@callumbagley-heath8582]

This is like jim crow

[@ethan2776]

Thank you! Powerful ending.

[@deepachaudhury4336]

I’m 54 and depressed what do I do I have a home to look after but I suddenly find myself incapable for last 6 months Help me please doctor

[@iron8201]

I have OCD and my life is a living hell, but I dont want to harm others, or I am a danger. But OCD doesnt go away, I go to a therapist but nothing works.

[@RockShowProductions]

The only therapy that works is exposure, and likely just like you I am to afraid to do that, so it never gets to much better, we just get used to it as we age, and learn to cope sort of, I’m 31 now. In my opinion Sam is talking about mentally ill people who are dangerous to others in most of what he says. OCD doesn’t really affect other people, other than I suppose we can be dependent at times.

[@RockShowProductions]

Exposure therapy may help us to not meet the criteria for OCD as defined in the DSM 5, but we will always still have symptoms and be prone to relapse.

[@doloresvangaal2248]

Wow thanks for putting out this video... never stop spreading your insights and knowledge.

[@cbotello009]

This could be the start of the 'stigma-breaker' revolution. 🤗

[@David-zu2bf]

Thank you so much Sam.

[@gregknight1294]

This is a life saving video!!! And I’m very experienced! Thank you sam!

[@VeVeEm]

Bravo, professor! Very brave statements and utturly true! Thank you for this video.

[@llewmatthews4828]

Pure veritas... son of a solo mother, probably borderline - multiple suicide attempts, self harm, alcoholism. Now my wife, severely OCD. My entire 44 years of existence is hardcore multiple back to back tours of duty through the metal illness landscape. Its like some kind of karmic prison sentence i must endure for unknown cosmic reasons.

[@jamesmitchell652]

Twenty-three minutes of wisdom!

[@eduardopismel9961]

Thank you so much Sam

[@_N0_0ne]

Thank you