AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT - How to fix it! - The Attachment Specialist explains

[@AttachmentAdam]

The HOW TO LOVE AN AVOIDANT MAN video course is now available! If you want to learn to build a fulfilling lifelong relationship with the man you love, and help him understand and cherish you in return, pick up your copy right now and write a happy ending to your love story! adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love-an-avoidant-man/

[@sfa223]

How can a stranger explains my whole life story and all my relationships like he knows exactly what happened in my experiences and inside my brain with scary accuracy… this is insane Thanks for rooting for us Adam.

[@cjthefox]

I love how these videos are the best kind of therapy: being supportive and loving without coddling and just letting issues slide that need to be changed.

[@lindac3278]

I have been bouncing off a dismissive avoidant for decades. We enjoy each others company. He calls me forward to love him then freezes and runs for years! Recovered alcoholic. Seems more damaged by other relationships every go round. I’m not looking to trap him or a ring or anything like that. I just want to know he is there and we have each other’s back. Even that is too much for him. Not bare minimum in my eyes. Can’t use this nebulous nothingness. It has zero value for me. Your videos finally made this make sense. I can feel his emptiness but now I know to move on since I have been trustworthy and he is a pain sandwich.

[@AlisonChoquette]

Yes, have a conversation with the , thats the problem, right there.. communication

[@bethechange9762]

You describe my inner world exactly

[@Adriam77968]

Everytime I click on one of these Avoidant videos I get totally owned. Yes everything you said sounds accurate. Now I can't even blame external forces for my lack of a loving partner, a true tragedy indeed.

[@jencrews]

Oh my god this made me laugh out loud because I feel it too. All I will say is that if it’s going on inside of you, then you have total control to shift it, unlike if it’s coming from outside where you can’t control anything.

[@ralucamera6574]

Open and sharing, deep conversations, emotional intimacy, mutual acceptance were impossible with my ex. He didn’t understand these things and found them very weird. Refusing therapy or any videos that talk about attachments.

[@agnieszkaweronikajakubowsk6671]

I did really few small changes after watching video about my avoidant partner and you know what? Things started working out a lot different than in a fight. I am anxious who has been working on herself for years now to drift towards secure and it really helped. But finding your videos made a huge difference in our life. Thank you

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm glad to hear that! It's wonderful to hear that small changes and understanding your partner's attachment style have made a significant difference. What specific changes did you implement that had the most impact?

[@danielr890]

Something that just occurred to me, while listening to you. A while ago I tried calling a psychologist, no one picked up and no return phone call. Compounding the problem to rely on myself and not asking for help. At least not that psychologist, cant trust them. 🤔

[@svetikchum6988]

I love that I have to have a conversation and you can predict the outcome. ... this right here how about if the partner is willing to consistently show up as long as there is a conversation, it could be a phrase it could be a codeword just something to acknowledge that this is a preestablished understanding that this is not about our relationship

[@excelself]

Stop calling me out please. I’m joking thanks for your guidance. Although I disagree in a few points I think being too attached is wrong but there should be a comfortable middle ground.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Absolutely. Let me know which points you disagree with and let's discuss.

[@inyoureyes25]

Omg you are so right.

[@gayleneflower398]

Yes this clicking

[@Daneiladams555]

I have not experienced people being reliable

[@AlisonChoquette]

Sounds like my world

[@svetikchum6988]

What if you can consistently predict that like for example, if it's your birthday, if it's Valentine's Day that they're going to shut down... how about if they know that a lack of communication around the withdrawal that has traditionally lasted in months of no communication, even when they're ready to reengage, they don't have the ability to conflict resolve or apologize or initiate so it ends up lasting much longer, there are instances where the avoiding persons behavior is the primary problem... if they could communicate and say, I just need some time to myself I still love you I wanna be with you.., i'm talking about avoidance, that are not having communication. I feel like if you're talking to somebody several times a week or seeing them frequently your ability to tolerate can be higher, but if you're both not seeing or talking or corresponding or communicating, and you just literally as the other person have to go based off energy, and the gold standard is how much distance and silence and lack of communication and lack of needs and lack of celebration that you can tolerate that that's pretty sad

[@lauramcpherson55]

My partner & I are both avoidant at different levels, maybe.

[@AttachmentAdam]

It sounds like you're navigating some complex dynamics. Understanding each other's attachment styles can be a valuable step in strengthening your relationship. If you're open to it, email me at [e-mail] for some guidance while navigating your journey

[@marcushanson6352]

All your strategies seem to revolve around existing relationships. Is there anything an avoidant can do before putting themselves out there again?

[@ashton1952]

I believe it's application learning, ie. study all the videos etc. then have to apply everything in an actual relationship. He mentioned that, because DA's are trying so hard to fix it by studying all the theory, but the practical is where it's really learned.

[@articleresearch7305]

I'm an avoidant but I don't relate to some of this. I don't have trust issues and I don't feel like I'm always assessing risks. Maybe it's happening in the background, but I don't feel like it's a big part of how I behave in relationships. I also start to deactivate around the 3 month mark, especially if the relationship is... mellow.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Where do you think this crave from novelty stems from?

[@jenniferjamison-lq9vn]

It would be ideal to only date healthy, but unfortunately they seem to be a very small percentage of the dating pool these days :( Find a fixer upper 😂

[@soyouwantagodlywoman3418]

Yep, that's me.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Which part of this video turned on a light bulb for you?

[@soyouwantagodlywoman3418]

@AttachmentAdam I always thought I had more anxious tendencies but your descriptions of avoidance, especially post an abusive marriage, I relate to. Sure, I had an emotionally unavailable and autocratic father but there was enough support in many areas of my life, I never felt a need to completely avoid or suppress. More I was earning love (as I said, anxious). But I had to be the calm one in my marriage; the emotional regulator. And in the end, I had to walk away to save my life (he strangled me for standing up for the kids) and protect the kids. Maybe it's recovery but when you describe avoidant mindsets, risk assessment, and negotiating possible commitment again, that is me! I look for flaws, every possible problem, and feel more comfortable online with a guy in a long distant relationship than someone close. But I'm working on myself. I do want to know what a safe, fair relationship would feel like because I've never known that.

[@dvash6231]

Thank you so much, this really helped hearing your explanation about how we are not in the same relationship in our heads (28:09), because they are in dopamine mode and we are in oxytocin mode. 29:38 - how to switch from dopamine mode to oxytocin mode. If oxytocin mode is "love" mode, then what is dopamine mode? I think you said in a future video that dopamine mode is survival and coping mode.

[@adriennearterbury7841]

My estranged husband is a dismissive avoidant, the scary kind. Veteran, PTSD, TBI Alcoholic. I was once an anxiously attached but over the years have become more fearful avoidant. This marriage has almost destroyed me but I got out. Now dealing with the heartache, anger and resentment. I've decided to just get all the help I can healing myself and recovering. I feel lucky to be alive today.

[@deemart7397]

Was he any if these things before you married?

[@zingking0132]

Yea I feel like she is playing a victim, you should know the risk of marrying a guy in the miltary they could go to war or lose a limp or come back with a disability, that's part of serving for a country while you stay at home.

[@adriennearterbury7841]

@@zingking0132I'm not playing a victim, I chose to marry him and am still committed to our marriage if he decides he wants to get the help he needs while I'm working on me and I love that he's a veteran and served our country. It's hard working through the different attachment styles with the anger, abuse and drunkenness Your point is really dumb. So because he was an awesome combat soldier and may have trauma he somehow gets a pass abusing me? Yes, it was risky and yes I should have waited and learned more. That would be a good point.

[@adriennearterbury7841]

@@deemart7397 yes, we only married 2 years ago but we grew up together in our childhood. So although we lived whole lives separate over the last 40 years I guess there was comfort in having the shared history. I am not bashing him for his shortcomings. I am scared, sad and lost. I really loved him and wanted our marriage to work. I'm just learning about attachment styles and working on my own. Like everyone who falls in love they are on their best behavior.

[@jencrews]

I’m sorry that you’ve been through this. I had a similar situation, but not as extreme. Also for the other commenters, it’s really not fair to judge people because life is very complicated and all of us are just trying to figure out how to feel better.

[@jenniferjamison-lq9vn]

Adam, I’m an LCSW and highly impressed with your experience! I currently work in ER Behavioral health, but soon will be doing some private practice work. I had a relationship with an avoidant a couple years ago. I didn’t even know these people existed. iIt was just as you said, by five months he was a different person. Since then, I have been enamored with learning about attachment theory, as it’s everything. Thanks for the work you do.

[@jencrews]

Listening to this description makes me think I’m mostly avoidant because that’s exactly how I have felt most of my life

[@if7363]

Same. Have watched Adam for couple of weeks now and previously thought I was only anxiously attached.

[@nasin7523]

Its Avoidant Disattachment ....... to call it avoidant attachment is an oxymoron. They do not attach they stay distant disattached even when you offer them help, love, support, generosity, everything they need as a human. They only "attach" when they need s*x after that its too much responsibility and accountability for their actions. Which should be called Laziness and Zero Accountability attachment style. No empathy No responsibility attachment style.

[@Jlm1818]

Ouch…all spot on

[@mbrsart]

I'm disorganized with a lot of avoidant patterns. I've always had trouble voicing my needs, because I always felt like the people who wanted to meet my needs couldn't (e.g. parents) and those who could meet my needs didn't want to (e.g. peer rejection, romantic rejection, etc.). I feel like I have almost no control over my life right now. I'm not financially capable of renting from anyone other than my parents. Getting a better job is proving almost impossible. The number of single people nearby who meet my must-haves regarding faith, goals, and character is in the single digits. Things are tough.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I hear you and I'm sorry you're going through this tough time. Where are you looking for single people? Is it dating apps or are you going out?

[@mbrsart]

@@AttachmentAdam No matches on dating apps. Some international likes, which is a non-starter, and a handful of likes from people I had no interest in. I'm wanting to meet people in person through local churches, but almost everybody between 25 and 34 (my age) is married. I've been trying to make connections with those people, but my church doesn't give me many opportunities other than weekly services. If there are other opportunities, they're on weeknights, and I can't do weeknights because of work. We do something on a Saturday night maybe once a quarter. It feels like every time I try to take steps to improve, there's something standing between me and progress. It's really tough when I need results in order to maintain motivation, and results may be years away.

[@marcusacevedo1]

This is just bullshit to sell you something that can't and won't fix desperate people. Always remember propaganda and advertising was created from people like this guy.

[@AttachmentAdam]

How so?

[@samycalvert]

Partner with avoidant attachment. Hanging on by a thread. :(

[@charlychai370]

I consider myself as someone growing up from an avoidant attachment. Have original family issues of others being completely self focused. Problem is they have no interest growing personally in any manner. And definitely not in two sided relationship. Any expression of mine falls onto an ice cube and slides off. So I am curious about a fellow who seems to keep deep feelings suppressed and has trouble even having a conversation where a couple of sentences in he gets choked up. Coming from a similar state I feel for him. Getting over initial hurdles is difficult. Also getting assurance he is not locked into this state the way my family is troubling.

[@tinawizi2380]

This is brilliant but a lot to review. Please include CC when you can for the hearing impaired 🥴

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for bringing that up and for your feedback. I'll definitely keep it in mind.

[@heidijordan9132]

Thank you so much for taking the time, this was eye opening for me. It’s like you pulled the words out of my head. I didn’t know it made sense.

[@leannadole4747]

How to reduce my goes cortisol. We do not live together.

[@lynettejohnson9051]

Find someone who helps ya put down that bluudy sword and have some peace.

[@LynnTritton-kt2ei]

Can you pls do an episode on the phases of trust?

[@juliel8124]

Could you talk about avoidant men and emotional immaturity?

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks for the suggestion, I'll definitely keep it in mind. From your experience, have you found that there's a link between the two?

[@juliel8124]

@@AttachmentAdam not sure if there’s a link but I just finished reading a book on emotionally immature people and my partner displays many behaviours that relate to emotional immaturity but is also very much avoidant. I was just wondering if avoidant people are mostly all emotionally immature… it’s a lot to navigate!

[@DM-wv6to]

Another great and clear video, thank you!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad it was helpful. Which part of this video resonated the most?

[@DM-wv6to]

All of it was an interesting analysis at a depth you don't hear often and yet it's a practical perspective. The hormones' role is also illuminating and easy to understand how you can increase bonding. I also really liked the analogy of the lone wolf and the pack. Yes, nothing good happens to lone wolves, hope avoudabt people can realise that. But, generally I like your style of presentation and your humour.

[@chloeingram2082]

Wow. This video explains my avoidant ex so thoroughly, it’s incredible.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you so much for your feedback. I'm glad the video resonated with you and provided clarity about your ex's behavior. How has this understanding influenced your perspective on future connections as well?

[@AlisonChoquette]

Its never good to push marriage kids.

[@dawnclark1103]

Yes I know how it feels

[@noirettebeauty]

I start avoidant but three months in switch to anxious. Being with another avoidant is hell

[@AttachmentAdam]

That sounds like the disorganized attachment style, what is also called fearful avoidant. I know it can be wildly, chaotic and very painful but it’s also fixable. Have you looked at resolving the anxious parts first?

[@laughingmoon5825]

What would an avoidant person need to really start taking risk knowing that the risk are all high?

[@ashton1952]

weighing it up with the possibility of staying alone for the rest of one's life

[@bandida99]

This is me ❤

[@Jlm1818]

Yes, & anxious…

[@lynettejohnson9051]

Sounds like a great plan for a good relationship! How to get the avoidant to define the next step and timeline to prepare for?

[@angelam.e.richardson3501]

Have a 'partner'/friend who is avoidantly attached.

[@Daneiladams555]

I have avoidant attachment

[@AttachmentAdam]

If you're navigating through avoidant attachment patterns and seeking guidance on your journey towards secure attachment, please don't hesitate to reach out to me at [e-mail] - I'm here to help.

[@Daneiladams555]

@@AttachmentAdam right on, love your work

[@bradapotamus]

The bid on alcohol was 100% dead on

[@michellegirau8136]

It's not always that we feel someone is out to get us. But empty promises can cause us to retreat. Like for an example I doubt we will ever go on a real vacation I have lost all hope in wanting that. Even if did I don't think we would have fun because we wouldn't know what to do and he would rely on me. If he brings up that one day we will, I shut down because I have to see it to believe it. I also feels like he very dependent on my income where he doesn't make more money. Always saying he's going to make a crazy amount of money the next year makes me retreat because I know it's not true. I am not scared I will be abandoned or cheated on. I'm more afraid of me doing that.

[@michellegirau8136]

I think I have anxious avoidant but now less anxious.

[@Jacob011]

I have no partner, **because** I'm avoidant attached! Have you considered that !?

[@ashton1952]

A very painful place to be in too

[@JustMe-ki3ce]

I bet someone that’s a decent person out there loves you very much.

[@Rastagurl24]

I’ve dated a avoidant and I’m an avoidant

[@AttachmentAdam]

How did it go?

[@Rastagurl24]

It’s been interesting. 😂 Like you said. A great connection. It’s not a lot videos about this.

[@ashton1952]

​​@@Rastagurl24best women to understand avoidant men, but I think part of the reason mine didn't attach to me sufficiently, and left, was because of not "talking about feelings" and clinging. I have to learn how. Not the clinginess part 😂 but how to express needs and emotions better... Maybe he doubted that I had felt the same way as him, and only found out after having chosen someone else. Feeling insecure about that still

[@Rastagurl24]

@@ashton1952 Yes we did understand each other probably more than anyone I ever dated. The clingiest we can’t do so we both understood needing space. I don’t like talking about feelings either. But it helped that we were truly friends at first and we enjoy almost all the same activities.

[@desiemehrabian1133]

I’m dating an avoidant guy. It’s challenging.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I hear you. Feel free to reach out to me at [e-mail] if you're seeking advice on navigating your relationship with your avoidant guy. You're not alone in facing these challenges!

[@fionakarbel258]

Can you do a video of the ways to get an avoidant man from dopamine to oxytocin

[@AttachmentAdam]

Feel free to check my other videos on avoidant men where I mention these as well as vasopressin and let me know if you still have any questions. Also, stay tuned for an upcoming course specifically on avoidant men.

[@MaryMullen-n5r]

Yep

[@marionmeister4268]

Wow, thank you. Helps a lot to understand why he pulled back from me and many of the people that care the most about him.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Happy to help. What was your a-ha moment while watching this?

[@marionmeister4268]

@@AttachmentAdam The explanation of the biochemistry helps so much to move from being hurt and blaming to understanding and being able to empathize without putting demands!

[@samatchaapaisuwan7671]

All me, repeating it again and again but I always tell myself that I have no rights to force anyone to really understand me, I have learned to move on and not hurt anyone I do really love anymore.