Avoidants often have exes that won’t go away

[@garyforbes8711]

They don'y go away, the avoidant keeps them in their circle.

[@b-six-twelve]

Very first guy I got involved with couldn’t get over his ex. He came on fast and strong and withdrew just as fast. He claimed he was still in love with his ex. Started dating a third guy a month later. About a year later, I ended up at a party with the ex. Our shared avoidant was calling him obsessively during it, despite that he was still in a relationship with the third guy. So gross.

[@renamamiya9196]

Not always. Sometimes we just keep an idealized version of that ex in our head and constantly compare out current partner to them. Either way it's really bad behavior.

[@olzzon]

Just like narcissists they need the validation and supply from people ...

[@helenfedorenko6419]

@@renamamiya9196 or, my ex's behavior. he broke up with me and claimed that it was the best relationship in his life and after that living life as fuck boy, trying to cope. and it's gross to know that he dismissed our relationship, me, and his feelings for me only for this reality where he's desperately jerking on a fantasy about me. Fall in love with a fantasy of me, withdraw when I've become a real human being, and now limerence with fantom of me. You guys don't like interact with people all you need is only you and someone to take inspiration to limerence on.

[@erichminkle1167]

There it is!!!!

[@isaarzac22]

My avoidant ex texted me after seven month of no contact , telling me that he misses and loves me. I wrote back that if he truly means it he should take action and tell me in person. That was ten days ago. Nothing!

[@malwads1836]

He should be getting therapy if he honestly gives a 💩.

[@rulebreaker666]

Bros, listen. You could not understand this right now but THE BEST WAY TO DEAL WITH AN AVOIDANT is to say calmly with warmth "SORRY THIS IS NOT GOING TO WORK, I SINCERELY HOPE YOU WOULD BE HAPPY, GOODBYE". PERIOD. THE END. No more nothing. Stay alone for some time, heal and move on.

[@malwads1836]

Bingo!!! That's exactly what I did...I just recently told a DA 🚹 that he's a DA that needs therapy to recover & gently told him I needed to be around healthy folks that are able to give/receive warmth in a healthy way.I was so happy to run before getting tangled up with that mess.You just forgot 1 more step by the way...Delete/block them in your 📱 for good measure too just in case they ever try to reach out😬.

[@stu-v8z]

You are spot on . When i started to form a "relationship" (Very loose term) she had spent 10 years in what could only be described as a situationship, no sex, nothing in common or shared. And in times of crisis she even turned to another previous partner whom she had a real bad break up with. The warning signs were there, i loved her deeply and so im sorry to admit i didnt spot what i was dealing with . Then i was discarded , and she returned to the situationship i had heard so much negativity about , but it was emotionless, her safe place.

[@hellokittyjp9323]

I dated a person like that. When we broke up, the ex that the person told me not to worry about return and started taking social media photos and videos. they thought that it’ll get under my skin but actually it didn’t last for too long and now they’re back in their toxic dynamic. He is always cheating on her and she keeps running back. I left this loser. And they are very superficial because they’re always posting gym posts half naked lol

[@zlatkajupe]

I’m a FA leaning towards anxious and trying to heal my attachment style and past. I’ve mostly dated are DA’s. They always come back or at least the majority of them! It’s wild. Don’t take them back though! They will put you through a merry go round of hell

[@RichardHodgson-wb9lk]

Good for you, this is really refreshing to hear. My ex was FA, I’m anxious (bad choices when dating / ignoring little red flags, and a basket case after breakups), but with secure behaviours during a relationship when there’s a steady base to it. The most loving relationship I’ve ever had. I loved every bit of it… until each time she felt the need to pull the rug - close to 10x in nearly 3yrs. The longest period of peace was the last 6mths of the year we lived together before it happened again. Anyway, point being, you will have no doubt assumed the role of the anxious partner whilst with someone DA (which I’m assuming is the only way my ex managed to have her only other relationship of 8yrs, she told me she messed a lot of people around in the 6yrs between him and me). But if you are FA, and it looks like you are open to doing work, then please in future, if you get with someone who’s not an avoidant, just remember you too were once the less avoidant one in the relationship. And allow compassion when your avoidant feelings come out. Read the book ‘attached’ it’ll be a huge benefit no matter what your attachment style. All the best :)

[@RaphaelFrancis68]

That’s the reason I didn’t want to stay friends with her. I’m glad I’m very switched on with these issues.

[@RayRayNDemUSA]

General rule for me is that I don’t keep exes in my life and I won’t date anyone that keep exes in their life. However, a DA ex was not honest about staying in touch with exes. It eventually showed to be a symptom of bigger issues including infidelity.

[@Teamshmo]

Definitely. My ex would tell stories about how her other ex contacted her etc. I would say wtf you said you were done with them and they would just make up excuses. Even one person that they were totally done with they mentioned still contacts them and tells them about their life. They said it was so annoying, but obviously lying since they still allowed it to happen

[@RayRayNDemUSA]

I can relate. It was a symptom of bigger issues happening behind the scenes: infidelity.

[@citizenoz]

Another amazingly accurate video. The best way to deal with an avoidant is to AVOID THEM if you value your sanity and health.

[@malwads1836]

Exactly... It's literally in the name.These people aren't narcissists by default however as an adult child of a full-blown narc, I can honestly say that a avoidant type's behaviors are just as damaging if you let yourself get tangled up with 1...I ran in less than 3 months with no attachment to a DM 🚹 because he didn't reveal much about himself but I can absolutely 👀 how that behavior could bring complete devastation to virtually anyone that ❤️ them.

[@adaline-o9q]

Usualy, it can be also a lot of woman being friends in social media and the FA like This circle because there is a lot of external validations about photos or publications. It is not necessarily exes but a mixed of woman he dated once or twice and then accepted them as friends in social media just for external validations and create more dopamine.

[@helenfedorenko6419]

so true. After years of silence, I get those messages "What's up " from barely known guys who want validation from me. It's awkward and annoying.

[@AWA89r]

My severely avoidant didn’t keep in touch with his ex but he was a butt hole enough that he bought a house in the same neighborhood next to her, I was in another country and came to the USA and saw it! But after living there for 4 years we moved because I told him that I need time with him and didn’t want to see her running in front of my house (she loved to run), she’s boyfriend. I think he bought the house there he wanted to show off his ex that he’s got me (11 years younger than her and him). But he always text others females that he met at gym and he went to eat lunch with them without telling me, when I found out he’s said it’s just a friends, they’re happy marriage and they’re older blah blah! Also he loved to text the soccer mom as well, that mom also lured him! Yes I was his rebound but last 18 years since I had no choice but finally I filed divorce! I feel so disgusting! After about a month or so, he’s repeat the same cycle! I’m not an ex who he can text or hangout with! But he will missed everything about me! And there is no chance for him to come back!

[@malwads1836]

As Mr.Quinn Holiday over on his ASSC Direct narcissism channel said years ago...."You will look for me in other people, but you will never find me.".

[@kateaghaghiri2968]

OMG! That’s why he hasn’t returned my stuff! 4 months no contact. I’ll be damned if I ask him for my things back. He can keep them.

[@Intentivelyoptimistic1750]

I will get back my things, and shut the door

[@matjazb.157]

Usually narcissists don't return your goods back ... I had 2 narc women.

[@Ellen84307]

I took my things back. He should not have me as a back up plan. Its me or nothing.

[@matjazb.157]

@@Ellen84307 I needed 3 times to reach her to gave me my books. The other one didn't even ask to give me back my food box.

[@Intentivelyoptimistic1750]

@@Ellen84307 I did this today. Feeling sad..

[@learningformyreptiles1195]

I saw this, I almost started a relationship with an da. We have the same hobby, and we are two of the best at outreach for an animal education group. Their was a real connection, but she just couldn't find time for me outside the group, so I told her I was mad and wanted to talk about it. Yea, no talking about it, she finally said enough of me being mad, so at an event she showed up with her guy neighbor, who is friend zone the same day she told me to only talk to her at the club. This was her way of leaving a door open. I got pissed when I understood she was using that guy for validation, most likely due to us not continuing the connection. The guy was on her hip all night, wouldn't talk to anyone else, I am not a fan of his. I have seen good and bad nerds over a lot of yrs. I told her, "If that guy doesn't know if you are going to f him or not, you are using him the way you tried to use me!" She said,"You said that. Why??." She didn't even try to defend the guy. She went mad, she stopped talking to me, looking at me, tried to keep from interacting with me in group, I got on to her for that, she knows she is the problem, but can't change. So, I was still in the group with her, and she stopped going to some events, which made me sad, but I couldn't do anything about it. I know she will come back to the group, she was not blocked me on anything, and I am proud to be part of the outreach now officially. I am sure she is not going to be happy about it. In time I will probably become that Phantom X,

[@sreach93]

You're describing my ex verbatim. She told me she couldn't be alone and had to put up an emotional wall to cope, cold as ice. It also explains the quick rebounds, yes rebounds with an s.

[@Namtaskic]

My avoidant ex still has ways to see her cheating ex on social media. I brought up the fact that she had ways to see how the ex was progressing in life. Her best friends had ways to stalk her ex. She had them unblocked on a secondary account. She found out that her ex bought a new truck. She downplayed it. I told her it was weird. She also compared me to her ex as well. She was cheated on by her ex, but she still had ways to contact him. I don't think she processed that she ended the relationship. She did a fling with me knowing that she was not ready for a relationship with me. Yes, I did things wrong in the relationship and I tried to fix things. She said she was trying to keep herself safe, but I triggered her avoidant tendencies. I hope she heals one day, but she downplayed all my progress, change, and my emotions.

[@dannywholuv]

Yup! Avoidant ex even admitted he was still interested in her but the feeling wasnt mutual. She wouldnt let him know she was seeing me citing it wont make a difference 😮 i said how about outta respect for me?! I feel i was kept hidden from certain people

[@hellokittyjp9323]

He was the worst avoidant, he might be more narcissist than avoidant.

[@cornwallismorgan874]

It's not necessarily that we just won't go away; it can also be that they just won't let us go in spite of our best efforts. One of my avoidant exes got my new phone number from a former coworker (without my consent or knowledge) and then proceeded to lie to me about being ready for a relationship. I took a chance on it and it turned out she had lied, so I left. And while I don't want to change my phone number again, I wonder if I should so she doesn't have the opportunity to come back around later.

[@Intentivelyoptimistic1750]

Just block her

[@cornwallismorgan874]

@@Intentivelyoptimistic1750 I've already done that, but I don't want for her to have my number at all.

[@Intentivelyoptimistic1750]

@@cornwallismorgan874 hmm. It's really emotionally draining when people don't either let go or be with you completely

[@BenLinfordUK]

So, essentially, a lasting/successful relationship is impossible with an avoidant attacher?

[@pijusandriar]

yes

[@malwads1836]

Yes, they're incompatible with all the attachment styles...Even as a SA I ran in less than 3 months from trying to get to know 1.

[@catherineshelton5520]

My ex had a relationship, not with an ex, but with the health care aide that was a live-in caretaker of his father before he passed away. She is just like his ex-wife and is a narcissist. In addition, she is a "lesbian " supposedly, but she strings him along because he gives her money and helps pay her and her wife's bill. He believes everything she says even though she is a pathological liar.

[@anothercat9600]

One satellite trick is they respond to all Exes texts, every 5 days or so, and each Ex also waits 5 days every time. To not disturb. This way the DA keeps lots of satellites, for validation. All those Exes hope he will ask them out/to meetup.

[@MichelleMarieSpranger-v6h]

This describes my best relationships ❤. I can't close my heart, either. 😊

[@FlygirlA320]

Do FAs have one foot out the door as well when they enter a relationship?

[@cloudslady3400]

As an FA…it depends on what they lean…there are FA’s that lean dismissive and ones that lean anxious…but no generally FA’s deactivate to not lose the relationship…they get volatile emotionally and you can clearly see the steps they take out… If they are one foot out the door it’s basically they don’t trust you..but mostly they will say it…” I don’t trust you “…unlike dismissives they will say it upfront…if they see that they can’t trust you even if they clarify the doubts they have only then they’re completely gone… Some do tests to see if you’re trust worthy so they avoid saying their pain points but generally it won’t take them more than four to six months to be all in or all out…unlike a dismissive that wants to stay nowhere forever..

[@FlygirlA320]

@ thank you very helpful:)

[@RB-ks7rx]

Thanks for addressing this topic Ryan. You are so spot on. This is exactly what I thought about the ex. Not a relationship I ever want to be in again & will acknowledge & move on when I see the red flags next time.

[@saycap]

@cloudslady3400 I can add to this, FAs might have an invisible ticking timer when their needs aren’t being met and they’ll begin to keep track of trust ‘strikes’ in relationship without letting you know. Then when it hits an intolerable threshold they’ll shut down and blow up the relationship out of fear. Especially to non-self aware people this can seem like it comes out of nowhere. But no, dismissives are the only ones entering a relationship anticipating it to end at a certain point.

[@FlygirlA320]

@@saycap seems unfair for the partner not knowing how to support the FA because nothing is being communicated.

[@LoNoOr37]

What if they used the excuse of "She's the mother of my child" how do you navigate that situation? I totally agree and understand that they have to be friendly for the sake of the child.

[@jb-ze1yh]

Get with a man who has no child. If you’re a childless woman it doesn’t benefit you to be with a man with a child.

[@mmt2310]

​@@jb-ze1yh100%. Tried it, didn't like it. Never again.

[@isaarzac22]

And the child will always be the priority no matter how old the child is.

[@enojelmeli]

​@@mmt2310💯🎯 do not recommend. 0 stars.

[@cornwallismorgan874]

@@isaarzac22 As they should be. They're their child. The difference is whether or not the avoidant parent is using the child as a buffer to keep people away from them, which is often the case.

[@sheemery2024]

I am friends with my ex… I don’t think it’s bad to have a good relationship with your ex. However if my new partner was uncomfortable I would certainly have boundaries and I’ll never get back with my ex

[@helenfedorenko6419]

it's bad. you can befriend same sex people who has more common with you, but you want validation from your ex. i know how bad it is because I used to befriend exes. you can say what you want but we know a shady motivation.

[@sheemery2024]

@@helenfedorenko6419I don’t want validation we’re truly friends… not everything is black and white

[@gregorystinette8271]

So, what's wrong with having friends ?

[@neilthompson8027]

Cause it’s almost never just that. Either one party or the other or both intentions is to circle back to a romantic connection at some point. So they remain in reserve until the opportunity presents itself. Faking their intentions as “just friends” or “like a brother” or “like a sister” the whole time knowing they’re just the fall back option.

[@kateaghaghiri2968]

Friends with benefits

[@gregorystinette8271]

So what ? If the relationship serves both people in some capacity, it's ok. To each their own...

[@MarkoKraguljac]

@@gregorystinette8271 Did you read the title? These are not real friends but avodiant's exs whom they unconsciously keep around for validation and as a coping mechanism. Sometimes they imagine exs and phantoms and so much crap its hard to describe. They rarely process emotions and just "plow ahead" like headless chickens.

[@gregorystinette8271]

Who cares how other people define my relationships ? It's no one else's business....