Black Eldest Daughters, Show Up For YOU

[@muhlaynee]

Being an only daughter, you realize how many of your relationships are conditional once you set boundaries. When I stopped being the resource to my parents and friends, I lost them.

[@StephaniePerry]

I'm sorry this happened, but I hope you've created a chosen family that nurtures and cares for you. 💗

[@Kamirarenee]

So true! Same here!

[@vintagecladius]

Same thing happened to me. Just this year, actually

[@kimhoward55555]

THIS. I became The Worst once I got over people pleasing & set boundaries.

[@andreapwhite939]

@@StephaniePerryThanks! My family ( circle of responsibility) is me. I have 2 adult sons who are responsible and respectful. I’m living my life for me and now I want to travel. So far I have gotten my passport.

[@andreapwhite939]

I didn’t set boundaries until my mom passed away. The 1st time I said no to my siblings was to their request for ME to send OUR mom’s body from one state to another. They thought since I was the oldest I should pay for it as though I was an ONLY child. It’s been 13 years now and it’s easy to say no to my mothers’ children.

[@andreapwhite939]

Btw, I’m 65 now and free. It’s never too late to set boundaries!

[@Hdwumfuor1]

Love this discussion. My grandmother was the eldest daughter, who raised my mom who is the eldest daughter who raised me and I’m the eldest daughter lol. IT STOPS WITH ME. I want my daughter to just be a kid. Period. I’m forcing my mom to watch this. Thank you both ladies for this!

[@MissCPix]

Oldest sister here…I’ve always thought I had to be perfect. No one cares and while they haven’t said so, sometimes I feel like my siblings hate me. I’m not mama number 2, I’m doing me. I grieved my perfection and holding everything together for everyone 2-3 years ago. I’m still hesitant to do things I REALLY want to do because this is a 40 year way of life but let’s live oldest sisters! ❤️

[@dews3340]

Watching now after soaking in the hot mineral springs outside under the sunlight this morning. I am an ONLY CHILD thankfully. I had a care free, healthy, quiet & safe childhood in north Florida. My parents gave me a YWCA membership, piano lessons at age 8, slept in a 4 poster mahogany wood bed 🛏️ with a canopy. TV, phone (landline), stereo was in my clean, quiet room. . I was the first one to get a US Passport in the 1970s. My parents and grandparents were very encouraging me to live my dreams. I could always use the word no! My loving & supporting parents are now deceased. Studied at Henderson State University. Central America is my sweet spot, because I was there in 1999 for a year........... ....Eze unbothered non working spouse child FREE, age 70 physically fit speaking 3 foreign languages, Ozarks USA

[@benatural1306]

As an eldest daughter, I am giving my only child the life you’ve had and it makes me so happy to see her living free! It’s also healing my inner child.

[@abundance6484]

How would you go about supporting a nurturing 75 yr old father who always needs financial help?

[@dews3340]

@@benatural1306 Good morning 🌄 late seeing your reply. Thanks for it, and give your the best childhood! Our childhood experiences matters in life. Be safe and stay healthy, too ... From the Ozarks drinking free fresh spring water 💦 since 1991

[@drnash8118]

I "missed" my teen years. I literally joined the military so that I could become independent and free. 😊 I love the discipline I acquired, but I hate that my brothers grew up thinking it was the woman's job to carry an unfair burden of housework.

[@VoyageHER]

I can definitely relate to that. It was either go to college far away or join the military if I wanted to stay on good terms with my mother

[@lineaostri]

​@@VoyageHERYep! I chose the college far away route. And live over 1000 miles away now.

[@fillistine]

Eldest of four. Age gap first to last is 14 yrs. I was never good enough. Nothing I did was good. I walked away from all the family 5 yrs ago. I am beginning to feel good enough for myself I am childless because I done with raising the younger ones. I was told that I must be responsible to my siblings (I was 11 at the time and just wanted to play with toys!)

[@forevergenella]

Wow this explains so much to me. This was a great video and the comment section it everything! I’ve found my people.

[@sagecurates]

I truly related to so much of this sometimes the walk away is the best thing you can do for yourself I actually find the concept of You getting Over it or not being resentful not quite right Answer me an overarching Burden that the person who sacrificed shouldn't have to make when in fact there's a lot that families could do to repair these families burdens on black daughters in particular have taken so much from us in order to replenish others cups the rightful thing to do after that is for them to refill our cups. That said yes we start living for ourselves but some of this work isn't ours to undo or carry. I really hope walking away has made your feel so much fuller and better.

[@eyanasglow8163]

This came at the right time, im working towards being selfish, moving abroad and putting myself first.

[@sylviamacklin6366]

They call it selfCare! ❤ Good for you. Enjoy your experiences.

[@HabitualLover]

Shout out to eldest black daughters who take advantage of the younger siblings to get back at the negligent parent, knowing the younger ones are being deprived of basics by the parent.

[@HabitualLover]

Literally, my older sis was wantonly stealing from me and cheating me financially, but has been singing this song for decades nevertheless. Don't flatter yourselves, older sibs. Do right in your family and just chill regardless of your birth order.

[@zee-zm1io]

Eldest daughter with coddled brothers here

[@Glowing-zr6vg]

As the eldest and only daughter of my parents (my mother was the oldest daughter too) - it all fell on me. My younger brother wasn’t required to do much. As a result I refused to make a work horse of my daughter. She volunteers as an adult to do things to help me which I’m grateful for. But I’ve always stood between her and anyone trying to use her. For labor or as other resource.

[@marriot6491]

I’ve sent this to my two best friends. Eldest sisters who sacrificed opportunities and time for siblings. Thank you

[@tamara9762]

I was raised in the home as an only child with a half brother raised in a separate home after the divorce of my parents at age 5. I was well taken care of and always felt love but mom & dad had a lot of emotional dysfunction due to drug use. At 14 yrs old my mother's drug experimentation increased and got out of control. I literally felt like I became the parent trying to live an upright life while navigating the dysfunction I was being raised with. My father was having similar issues in his 2nd marriage so his home was not an option. I left home at 17 to finish raising myself but had a child & maternal instincts kicked in (good thing), but years later I became a people pleaser to feel accepted by others. I give myself permission to say "no" now but it was a self realization journey to get to that point.

[@latonyachester1035]

I’m the youngest but all responsibilities fell on me such as financial, caregiver, role model…everything!

[@shirlebryant9427]

Sad

[@tamara9762]

I internalize the words "selfish" in context to the subject here as "self care" and being "authentic" to our own goals and desires. "Irresponsible" in context to me means not having to be responsible for other grown folks, living by others expectations, and letting our inner child out to enjoy life & be confident in our decisions. I am fairly new here & loving this. Thank you Ms. Stephanie for this community!

[@lisasims3970]

wonderful way to put it. thanks

[@ravenkelly5435]

What a refreshing episode! I too am an eldest daughter and have had many of the same experiences. I am now putting my foot down!

[@hymnodyhands]

As a Black eldest daughter, thank you for this ... I have found a better balance because of your content over the years ... although I am deeply responsible and have the profile of community service that goes with that, I have balance now and am healing. In addition, Ms. Perry: thank you for your continuing service -- once for the country, now for Black women. Happy Veteran's Day!

[@drnash8118]

That's great! Boundaries are important. We need a whole talk on boundaries.

[@lawannagustave9684]

I'm the ELDEST with Only a brother (10) yrs younger! I too, was the full-fledge babysitter during the year while my Mom worked full-time...prepared bottle formula, washed & hung-up CLOTH Diapers, put him down for Naps, took him most places with me, I felt like the "little lady" of the house...I then decided I would "THINK!".. BEFORE, having children. "MY" own children are 21 years APART! My daughter was IN COLLEGE wh I rec'd the news ..bc, AFTER seeing (3) physicians who stated: "YES, you ARE Pregnant!" ...I said, Whaaat!??..Me>> 🤯

[@lawannagustave9684]

The issues with my brother happened during the 60's...🙂

[@LifeUnfilltered]

This live freed me.

[@melissaforbes2173]

Live with never saying,”I wish I had???? Do it and be happy. Be selfish black women

[@DMbriggs601]

My husband & I found Stephanie when the pandemic happened 2020. We (I) was talking about becoming couple housesitters so we wouldn't have to be apart and can travel and be travel agents Needless to say, the higher power had other plans and I'm a (W) at 59 years young. Learning how to heal from a 💔. We have 4 children 5 grands. I'm still trying to learn not to be the caregiver of others 😢😮. I've been a care giver since I started elementary school because my brother had grand epilepsy seizures. I' help raise my sisters 4 stairsteps at inly 14 because her husband took her from us. Although they are all(4) grown they call me for literally 90% of the time, especially since my Mom transitioned in 2017. I want to move to another country and start a new for me. Haven't decided on a destination. So many questions.

[@shemari0129]

@@DMbriggs601I wish you success in finally being able to live for YOU. It’s time. Here’s to your happiness and healing 🙏🏾

[@CoLivingSingle]

As the oldest of three girls, I understand. I mothered my younger sisters and I’ve had enough! Even as an adult woman, I thought I’d end up housing and caring for my father in his elderly age but I realized he has two other daughters who have children who would benefit from his presence! At this point, I’ve decided that my contribution will be sending him a parent support check for his food needs and I’ll help take him to doctor appointments 🙂.

[@celesteramsey7593]

I am the eldest of 5 and can definitely relate to Sam's experiences including dropping off my youngest sister at the babysitters on my way to middle school. I did get a lot more freedom from my siblings at 16, but rotated into more adult responsibilities like grocery shopping etc. My siblings credit me as raising them which is bittersweet bc while we are very close knit, it's not truly a sibling relationship.

[@jenniferjohnson1744]

Eldest daughter with a disabled younger brother. My work is doubled but I am grateful and able. I was a rebellious young girl and woman so I have taken on the obligation happily. When I need a break, I have other family who check in on my Mamma and look after my brother.

[@Gigilovehugs]

Thank youuuuuuu so much 😮 for having this discussion. I am a black American eldest daughter. I had to let go of the big sister cape and start setting boundaries. I was condition starting at the age of 10 it took a emotional and mental toll on me 😢

[@dews3340]

Last month, I read the book 📖 Up Home One Girl's Journey by (BW) Dr Ruth Simmons. Born in 1945, Ruth J. Simmons grew up the twelfth child of sharecroppers. Ruth said her father was particularly angry during their childhood.This is a must read book............... Relaxing in my huge colorful handmade hammock swaying away this morning , child FREE by choice 🎉

[@lineaostri]

I didn't know she wrote a book! I had the opportunity to meet her once. She was so sweet.

[@tonimcguire8588]

This is interesting. I’m an eldest daughter, and so is my mom. She was not pleased at being the second mom as she calls it and she made a rule that her children were not going to be in charge of the other sibling.

[@benatural1306]

I am the eldest of 3 raised by a single mother. I am the mother of an only daughter and I am giving her the life I wish I could’ve had. It’s a joy to see her living free and it’s healing my inner child.

[@RecoverywithMissWilliams]

I was the ‘man’ of the house as a child and that followed me through life. I’m laying that all down 2023 🎉

[@twilight14971]

I’m the youngest daughter but the most stable and I rejected my dysfunctional upbringing so family looks to me for help. Stephanie is it possible for you to get some military or ex military black women on live? I have less than 2 years left in the Air Force and after serving America I’m ready to flee America! I desperately can’t wait to leave the military and transition into civilian life. Maybe a video on us military black women and what to do once our? Thank you.

[@jenniferjace4677]

Catching the replay. Oldest and I was raised family, community first.

[@LisaSoulLevelHealing]

What a lovely conversation. It makes me look at my oldest brothers and sisters a certain way. Im the youngest

[@fdoctor79]

I am the youngest and only daughter. And I refuse to be the work 🐎 and busy body that I see among the women in my family. I want to live and will fulliful my God's given dreams. Tfs

[@Bee-gf8gn]

So appreciated Stephanie’s point about how judgment you may feel about others actions may actually be envy that we need to investigate further.

[@emjou2352]

This is so timely for me. I am the responsible child and i am trying to be irresponsible! It’s HARD and EXHAUSTING !!

[@sagecurates]

It's actually really rewarding seeing so many women commenting who may have not experienced being the eldest daughter or having their formative years such as teenagers and young adult years taking away from them to serve others. I have been going through this with my family for a really long time and it's actually one of the things that I feel is culminating to me leaving the US. However most recently my grandmother passed and so now I finally feel free enough to completely remove myself from the situation. The thing about resentment is none of us actually do get over it or get over this and there's nothing that anybody can do to give us the time back. They could instead refill our cups in the present, support our endeavors in the present and the future. As well as recognize all that was actually lost rather than move through life as if that time was always supposed to be someone elses. In fact now that I'm a stay at home wife with no kids so many people get upset and frustrated that I don't work and I constantly hear that I should get a job from my family (despite making 6 figures which i hide from them) At even the mere slight of me even wanting something or needing something its because i dont work but not because outside is expensive. And I just feel at this point that I reserve the right to be a little irresponsible. And honestly I'm not even sure I could be irresponsible if I wanted to because I take care of everything in my household even though I don't work and it actually upsets me that some people think women should be working taking care of their homes taking care of kids and extended families And then responsible for household decision-making. It's honestly really a lot of jobs that we women are doing. One Of the most healing things that I've done is to have a wife who is also a black eldest daughters and really understands the Burden.

[@debrahickey9417]

Great program. Many excellent talking points 👏🏾👏🏾❤

[@anyangrb]

It’s born African daughter is a whole Other level .I totally relate .

[@ImaniSmiley]

I am so glad I watched this video! It opened my mind and I am able to understand my family dynamics more. I am the eldest daughter of my mother who is the eldest daughter of my nana who is the eldest daughter of my great grandmother who was the eldest daughter!!! Parentification is a generational curse atp

[@KareemaFatimah]

This!❤❤ I’m the Eldest and this was the year I “really” realized it is time for me. I have a 6 year old so I’m working on it. We taking a trip next month and in January. It’s exhausting. Pouring into myself more has been the best feeling

[@KareemaFatimah]

I’m 42 in January

[@shirleygriffin7672]

Thankfully I was an only child. My life has been amazing... age 70, Ozarks USA

[@denisenoles3159]

This discussion was outstanding!!! Thank you both.

[@deepal3721]

Hello Stephanie and the family ! Thank you for sharing. I really loved this video and Semirath's testimony. It's funny how she did comply so much with what was expected of her (taking care of her siblings) and then did something so out of her traditional ways by CHOOSING to have kids by her own self. It's fascinating and so brave ! I feel like she is one of those generational cycle breakers and she is doing it with such grace ! 🌻

[@devonnenewsome5343]

Hello Stephanie! I just watched the replay. I love every video you have done, but I have to say this video here with Semirath was over the top for me! I had never heard of her until now, and I am a fan! Her beautiful spirit, her transparency, and all that she shared with us, I wish your interview with her went for another 2 hours, and I cannot wait until next Saturday for her Summit! Thank you Stephanie for continuing to open my eyes wider and expand my thinking every week. You are a Godsend!!!💯❤

[@darlenebreitenbach9325]

Good morning Sista's

[@marciajames9434]

Semirath (and Stephanie). BIG THANKS!!!!!!!!!!!!

[@joelduvall5679]

Good Morning from Ky!

[@melissaforbes2173]

Good morning from the Bahamas.

[@kimhoward55555]

I LOVE that she's coast FI!!!!🎉 I been binging FI information.

[@shannonh333]

I watch this and relate a lot to this as an only child. I have younger cousins (they are grown) and aging parents. I struggle a lot with being guilted into doing things for the family that I don't want to do and also feel like I put my life on hold sacriicing my own wants/needs for them. Often times, it's not even appreciated because it's what I have always done. Stephanie, can you please do a video for only children as well. I love your chanel and am so grateful that I found you here on YT!

[@AnthonyStewart-df6iw]

❤ Marvelous

[@jasenomade]

Bénin is amazing, I was there a few months back...

[@lisasims3970]

beautiful hair Stephanie. much love

[@bbills4186]

My friend and college roommate are both only children. Just yesterday, we were discussing being the only caregivers for our aging family. The thought of it is overwhelming. My only son has already stated he is only taking care of me and no other family members. I need his chutzpah on this subject. 😐😑

[@rakaki3]

This was an amazing conversation! I needed this and my jaw dropped a couple of times…I thought she was reading my mind. Will be listening to this a few more times

[@ROSBeautyHealthMarriage]

Thank you ladies, always good when you can talk about money without it being taboo.

[@teniaosayande6355]

Have to pause to prep for a bday brunch for my bestie. But wanted to say the title & 10 min. has me like WOW! 😮😳 After a major blow up this Christmas wknd which seems like it has MUCH to do w/ this topic, I'll most def be back to watch in full.

[@CoLivingSingle]

Another tip is to purchase individual stock with companies where you spend your money. As an example, I love Costco and so I own Costco stock! Do you love Google/android, Apple, drive a Tesla or maybe you don’t, purchase the stock! Lastly, don’t forget to purchase stocks that provide dividend, which you’ll reinvest! You’re welcome!

[@karlay07]

This video grabbed me. I had been avoiding it, fearful it would either be soft ball of hard truths. it was hard truths. The guest spoke the language of eldest sister slash 2nd mother slashed stand inn parent 3rd leg. She nailed it. i was truly blessed by this video. Thank you

[@marriot6491]

I’m with you on the Canadian cold. Moving next year. I am in the planning phase

[@cerinaflemister]

Selfulness for me. Thank you for all of your videos udwo

[@SunshinePrincess7577]

Hello Stephanie & Semirtha, I am catching this on the replay, and I am loving the discussions you are having. Semirtha, I agree with you about keeping the summit on the 18th Nov universal because black women are all over the world and want to be a part of the movement, too despite living outside Canada and the US. I also love the idea about the investment side because I need to know more about how to invest so I can have the freedom to live a life of ease. Stephanie, it is always a pleasure watching your videos so incredibly informative and a sisterhood vibe...love it❤❤

[@melissaforbes2173]

Third from the last, eight in my family

[@Childfree_Jerra]

Loved this video!! I’m also an eldest daughter & I can relate to a LOT of things expressed here! New subscriber, btw.💜

[@karenjohnson9240]

Hi Stephanie , quick question Is it safe to travel to Nigeria alone?!? Any tips help?!?

[@darlenebreitenbach9325]

Eldest of2

[@jaiyabyrd4177]

Black Eldest Daughters and Black ONLY Daughters in the Family. Is an issue to speak about because of parental care

[@amoritaenyioma682]

4:28 Eldest on both sides mom / dad side

[@Simply_JustKim]

Im the oldest child.

[@dcmomma14]

I'm the oldest and only daughter but middle child

[@DMbriggs601]

My birth order is #6. I'm the 3rd daughter being the youngest

[@joelduvall5679]

I am the eldest daughter-- THE ONLY CHILD

[@jenniferjace4677]

I am the oldest of three of us.

[@TriciaLewin-rz7dw]

Im the eldest daughter of six siblings.

[@ltgemini1599]

Oldest and only girl of three. No kids. I'm tired.

[@jeweladiele4664]

Im number 5 atuck in the middle I am the one who shows up so if I don't everyone gets mad at me Ssying NO at 67!

[@thepinkblush119]

Well more money would help me get out of my stress, my mom she views her own kids as a money source, we were born middle class, you don't just suddenly become a billionaire, she wants us all to be billionaires, she expects too much, we were born from her not for her, we've always been slaves to her

[@nelliehyder8303]

Thanks for a wonderful educational video.