Blair Witch (Zero Punctuation)

[@theescapist]

This week's episode of Zero Punctuation is on Gears 5. Yes, Gears 5, not Gears of War 5. Get it right. www.escapistmagazine.com/v2/2019/09/25/gears-5-zero-punctuation/

[@theescapist]

Find out next week.

[@theescapist]

That’d be my idea! I’m workin hard to try and get people on KZbin more interested in what we’re doing on the site as we’re introducing lots of new writers and content! Taking a lot of inspiration from the old days of Escapist and giving new creators a voice and platform and pushing lots of original content. - Nick

[@CyberLink70]

Thanks for the link. And yes, Gears 5 is a stupid title, isn’t it?

[@Penguinmanereikel]

Escapist why don’t you make PCMasterRace shirts and make billions just off of the basement chuds

[@sarahwells4205]

Nice to see I’m not the only one who climaxed during Control’s Ashtray Maze!

[@SPARTANTROOPER]

Love that the game has an ex-soldier using a flashlight dimmer than a single candle when every soldier I know has a handheld sun in their backpack at all times.

[@camwyn256]

Even cops have better flashlights

[@peterpop-off]

Handheld sun 😅

[@mariazhurov2178]

That and having said sun be capable of shifting through at least 60 different settings that range from barely visible red to burn your eyes out white (bonus points if you can wear it on your head/gear).

[@BJWeNeedUDefendingUsWithZeMG42]

“White phosphorous the dog” *Spec Ops: The Line flashbacks intensifies.

[@theshuman100]

sir that is my emotional support geneva convention violation

[@J0hnHenrySNEEDen]

*HE TURNED US INTO FUCKING KILLERS*

[@boltonatorsaomd9368]

Why gate the good ending behind ignoring the primary mechanic of the game? Oh right, “replay value”

[@backlogbuddies]

It's not even a good ending.

[@stemaster]

There is no good ending there's 4 endings n each one has very small differences.

[@bluemooninthedaylight8073]

@@stemaster So Fallout 4 all over again.

[@stemaster]

@@bluemooninthedaylight8073 yup, no actual point in replaying the game.

[@backlogbuddies]

@@stemaster well. There's two endings that are different. Then the two small changes of those that are just how bullet reacts. There's text after that drastically changes but. Reading

[@abloogywoogywoo]

"All this walking isn't healthy" Only in Zero Punctuation can those words be quoted for truth.

[@raindrain1]

"JESUS CHRIST WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?!" Just to suffer.

[@Bantorain93R]

raindrain1 every night I can feel it...

[@takuansoho5836]

Also to complain that isn't Yahtzee doing the modeling for those t-shirts ! Shame !!

[@BJWeNeedUDefendingUsWithZeMG42]

Life is pain.

[@rottenappleofsociety]

I wanted to like this but the likes are on 666 :)

[@soldier257]

I didnt ask to be born….XD

[@pajamapantsjack5874]

Ah yes that’s reminds me of the time my family got my granddad a dog named “CHARLIE IN THE TREES”

[@TheStonewall117]

Pajamapants Jack *When the trees start speaking Vietnamese*

[@HBlatz87]

@@TheStonewall117 Vietnatrees? .....I'll go stand in the corner and think about what I did.

[@Midnight-Starfish]

@@TheKiddingStar It's called hentai, and it's art.

[@QuicklimeTime]

Yeah, when my granny lost her sight, she got a guide dog named "I Can Actually See Just Fine, Please Take My Benefits Away".

[@Kaarl_Mills]

@@Midnight-Starfish you don't happen to have any Salsa do you?

[@HORRIOR1]

I suppose there is some thought put into the idea of having a PTSD patient connect bullets and sudden loud noises with dogs instead of the actual thing.

[@insanezombieman753]

@TooLateToTheParty I think Trump is even better

[@FirstnameLastname-kn5sw]

@@insanezombieman753 Don't you fucking dare name a good-boy after that dog-hating weirdo.

[@iroden5335]

@@FirstnameLastname-kn5sw wait, he hates dogs? Source?

[@aldergodric4324]

Oh hi horrior

[@t_k_blitz4837]

Little Yahtzee is the most adorable thing I've seen all week.

[@oomfoof7294]

I like to imagine as a child, he had the EXACT same voice.

[@CaladonianQueen]

He's got a little fedora and everything.😊💕

[@LautrecOfCarim]

If someone ever gets me a therapy dog, please don't call it "That cliff next to the firekeeper at Firelink Shrine". Heh...

[@mordirit8727]

Can we just call it Cliff'er for short?

[@skullketon]

Or Clifford, the big red shrine?

[@TheSimmus]

@@skullketon pfff hahaha

[@merrittanimation7721]

Or "Bed of Chaos"

[@TheWickedWizardOfOz1]

Anor Londo Archer! Come here boy!

[@wanderingdoc5229]

I’m a vet with a therapy dog I know lots of dudes with their dogs named things like bullet and gunner and shit it’s just kinda how we are

[@JPmoozik]

Did you say "Bullet"?

[@spinax22]

*WHAT WHERE*

[@armorfrogentertainment]

Trauma is a weird thing. For some people, it's like "yeah, I know I shouldn't fixate on the things that caused me psychological damage, but they also made me who I am in other, positive ways, so..."

[@appelofdoom8211]

Maybe it works as some sort of exposure therapy?

[@PAS2010D]

@@armorfrogentertainment that's how I feel. I feel a need to get back in the shit.

[@ericquiabazza2608]

No, a very dubious psychologist would have name him "Sniper!!!", and yes, the exclamation points are included.

[@merrittanimation7721]

Or "Grenade!!"

[@iactuallywanttofuckingdier6601]

Just name him AAAAAAAAAH

[@frenchsoldier8485]

Nazi

[@CamJackel]

You also get a bad ending by picking up any of the wood effigy carvings in the game. It doesn't mention how it gets you the bad ending but whatever. There's also 4 different endings, but it's just really two with some things changed. Either you become the psycho dude that's you've been chasing after or you die. That's it. The two other endings are the exactly the other than how the dogs treats you at the end.

[@brandonotto3031]

Ok so i have PTSD and that shit had me dying..not reallly dying like laughing. Love your riview.

[@HolyGoddessMotherAnne]

Goddamn war affecting all the good soldiers.

[@Mathmachine]

"You're supposed to watch White Phosphorus the dog" Suddenly IGN is screaming and they don't know why.

[@CyberLink70]

Explain?

[@Mathmachine]

@@CyberLink70 there was a guest writer on IGN that basically said "well I'm not saying that Modern Warfare needs to censor their white phosphorus...but they need to change or remove it because it upsets me". And anytime someone says that's how his article comes across, he throws a temper tantrum and then blocks them.

[@TheEmerald-pv4gn]

@@Mathmachine It's also a reference to Spec Ops: The Line, and it's infamous white phosphorus usage that... Let's just say, "left a mark" on Yahtzee

[@twilightvulpine]

The actual story is that an actual war veteran wrote an article saying that it was pretty poor taste of the new Call of Duty to use White Phosphorus as a killstreak reward seeing that it is a war crime against the Rules of Engagement. He also said that it would suit better to a game that shows the horrors of war in shape of agonizingly melting as your lungs burn instead of taking a little damage from a cloud. Then gamers got mad, as they do. Because how dare a war veteran criticize and not be as thick skinned like a gamer. You know, realism only matters when they put women, minorities and people with prosthetics in games.

[@Mathmachine]

@@twilightvulpine First, when people complain about things not being accurate or realistic it's because it's not accurate realistic in a game that touts itself as accurate or historically realistic. Modern Warfare is not such a game, but a game based on actual events in World War 2 should be. Second, I very much respect that the writer is a war veteran and has given to help ensure our liberties and freedoms. That doesn't automatically make him right about whatever he says. Third, as far as I'm aware, the only way to make a "realistic" depiction of white phosphorus in a video game (short of actually pausing the game and explaining white phosphorus every time it's ever used) would be as soon as you came close to it, you would then start writhing on the ground, and then die a slow painful death for several hours if not days. Gamification exists for a reason. Do I personally think white phosphorus should be a killstreak small damage DOT? Not personally, but I understand why they made it like that.

[@the1flym459]

"Why are you still here?" I ask myself that question every day

[@bennjibertie9450]

The zero punctuation theme music is what I always use to test new head/earphones. The videos are good too

[@EVAUnit4A]

_"I mean Slenderman is basically the same thing as the Blair Witch mythos and it'll probably be a whole two weeks before someone announces a remake of that"_ *T R U T H*

[@davidh6961]

Didn't that game get a sequel?

[@JinzoFiter]

@@davidh6961 Yep. Slender: The Arrival.

[@bluecoin3771]

White Phosphorus the Dog. A deep Yahtzee lore reference I see.

[@RemiScutlet]

"All this walking just isn't Healty" Words i live by.

[@rusticgiraffe4262]

Not only do you have to avoid killing enemies, but I’m pretty sure you also have to avoid picking up collectibles too, which is difficult considering the game practically shoved them down your throat.

[@E1craZ4life]

The day Yahtzee reviews Roller Coaster Tycoon Marks the day I sold my soul for a cupcake.

[@anthonygonzales207]

No. None of that. Shame on you.

[@Brad.M.]

Or the day he reviews Universe Sandbox 2. Or Cities Skylines. Just about any game that gives the laws of physics the middle finger.

[@AlexanderHarris]

Brad Mitchell - He did play some Cities: Skylines on his personal channel a long time ago. But I don’t think that counts.

[@רועיכהן-ל1י]

@@Brad.M. or the day when he reviews mafia 1

[@lonelymascot]

so you've joined the ranks of "the day [said game] gets a review [insert reference from another game] every single week till either review will happen(100% guaranteed not to) or your life comes to an end" it seems

[@TheBrotherGrim]

..I miss my light-up-eyes Thundercats toys. That is all.

[@RevPerdueJosh]

Your questioning of the appropriateness of the name “bullet” is classic stand up comedy. Please consider stand up Yahtz.

[@mazazzfazzaz1995]

The first minute turned this into my favorite video in zp history

[@RacingSnails64]

Naming Bullet the dog IED and Gulf War. Genius.

[@themuser1159]

*sprints into haunted forest with malicious intent*

[@theblackbaron4119]

"I'd rather replay my latest prostate exam" should be on the front and on the back of the box of this game.

[@kieranmcintyre4351]

Finally someone gives praise to Freddy vs Jason Underrated film

[@QuicklimeTime]

"Dude, that goalie was PISSED". It knows how stupid it is, and you have to appreciate that kind of self awareness.

[@appelofdoom8211]

@@QuicklimeTime I thnk that's the best way to handle old slasher franchises. Just admit that it's gotten stupid and owe up to it.

[@MagnificentFiend]

'Wahey, Jethro! This is a rave, not a Halloween party! Why don't you go find yourself a pig to fuck!' _Jason breaks his friend's neck_

[@Railer61]

"Did you say bullet?" "WHAT WHERE WHERE?!?!?!"

[@brainflash1]

If only all KZbin ads were as funny as the first ten seconds of this episode.

[@alritedave]

Try it on the Android KZbin app. ADVERTS EVERYWHERE!

[@Quiltfish]

@@alritedave KZbin Vanced, my dude.

[@Zimpfnis]

mAithos? I thought it was pronounced Mithos

[@portalkombat1957]

It's the difference in accent

[@ShakeItLittleTina]

Australia.

[@hongkongdad928]

Idk I’ve lived in both England and Australia and I’ve never heard anyone pronounce it mai-thos Could be a regional dialect

[@kortmann9]

@@ShakeItLittleTina I'm from Australia and I pronounce it mithos...

[@portalkombat1957]

Huh I've only ever heard my British friends say it maithos

[@IAMAredditor]

“Bullet” was the name of my red heeler that died last year. Can I be the PTSD’d protagonist now?

[@2Scribble]

Only if you're bland enough

[@cometothepartay]

possibly one of the best, and funniest review from Yahtzee

[@TheCorrodedMan]

You know, I don’t think we appreciate how much Yahtz does for us on a weekly basis. It’s about time we acknowledged his efforts. I’ll start. Thank you, Yahtzee.

[@kayhoww]

Jolly good

[@CalamityDiamond]

I mean that dog might not even know where his balls are, they were probably removed if he's a service dog.

[@EarlyBirm]

Yahtzee!! I just ordered a t-shirt!! I got the cute one where you're in pink shades! So excited!! Been watching your vids for years!!

[@funnyvalentinedidnothingwrong]

Pro tip: If anyone tries to contrive a reason to lure you into a spooky, potentially haunted forest for any reason, *particularly* at night, run. They are either evil or stupid, and you need neither of those kinds of people around you.

[@prog7141]

The way you said Mythos physically hurts

[@nicklager1666]

Kind of wish the dog were the same breed that Kess and Yatz has.

[@RegretfulDeadMan]

If we're naming our pets after our fears, I guess my pet would be named "The Dutch".

[@Wowtar]

Hey! I resemble that remark!

[@Montesama314]

The Dutch just peed on the carpet. Your dog, however, is still in the backyard.

[@thesaladman8400]

Ooh Retrowave(Is that what it's called?) Zero Punctuation merch? Where do I sell my soul? Oh hello Blizzard. No I don't want to play Overwatch.

[@alvarodebarrio7718]

And Diablo inmortal?

[@ReleasedHollow]

Synthwave is the more common name to it but Retrowave does have a nice ring to it.

[@Veolynn13]

0:50 Correction, "If those rowdy boys next door dare you to go into the haunted forest again, remember: it won't be as scary the second time because the filmmakers stopped giving a fuck."

[@thealmightybreadloaf8042]

"white phosphorus the dog" LMAOOOOO

[@eclipsedarksouls6036]

I legit thought this was a slender game from the E3 trailer.

[@benbenben123ben]

That part about the dog named “bullet” was great.

[@randy5606]

I love that his kid form still has the hat lmao

[@Morbos1000]

Nice job showing the cover of Observer. That made me think of Rutger Hauer and the fact that he's dead. Now I'm sad.

[@Elcrisso1]

I spat my drink out at the “PTSD dog named Bullet” bit

[@f6ttm6tt]

2:36 thank you sir that made my day

[@lelouche25]

The imp hoodie with the ears are my favorite

[@andrewhickinbottom1051]

Johnathan J Genericperson and White Phosphorous the dog - brilliant! I quite enjoyed you streaming this last week.

[@Breezey_Dubz]

"torture yourself and crawl through shitty game mechanics" *BAD ENDING* "now do it again except cut your arms off and use your toes to use the controller for the good ending"

[@lukeanderton4755]

"Except your flashlight to Alen Wakes flashlight is what a spaghetti hoop is to a steel c*ck ring" Now that's my favorite comparison of the year 😂😂😂

[@LumosX]

A bullet isn't a murder weapon, unless you're Charlie Sheen in Hot Shots 2.

[@BobJohnson-ni4kc]

I spent 10 minutes going through the comment section just to see if anyone else noticed that he called a bullet a murder weapon.

[@djlamar2]

Well Christmas came early. New Avgn and a new zero punctuation. This is awesome :D

[@BugsyFoga]

What was general consensus of the 2016 Blair witch film ?

[@KingWhoShallReturn]

"Why?"

[@JessieBlackheart]

Pretty lame, except for the ending, it was very claustrophobic the way they shot it and it was very frantic.

[@danieljones7169]

I never saw it, but the rotten tomatoes score says it all👎👎👎👎👎

[@georgesears934]

The wha?

[@andressotil4671]

They made another one?

[@kismet8010]

I literally had no idea wtf you were saying in that opening advert..

[@Matthew-gv4cu]

Loving the retro designs on the shirts!

[@animorph17]

The narrative convention of children going missing in a spooky forest is literally a plot in pokemon.

[@brothermutant7370]

Is it me, or did the developers SPECIFICALLY make a logo that both looks like an eye and someone giving you the middle finger? Just me then? Ok.

[@stelleverde4589]

The son dad convo made my day.. Godspeed sir

[@denisonsmock5456]

“White phosphorus the dog” that takes me back to 2012.

[@kimshinshiro]

Did you say bullet? WHAT WHERE WHERE?! 🤣

[@nikola4503]

3:55 Spec Ops The Line PTSD kicks in

[@sarahherbison5419]

Western Maryland native, Burketsville is on a hill next to route 15...

[@Black-Light]

Well that summed up my feeling quite nicely. Never scared because when there is and isn't danger is too easy to tell. Ending was disappointing because I was just doing the thing the game told me to do. First hint that doing that could lead to a bad end comes after you could've done anything to stop it. And the long slow just move forward gameplay at the end kills any want for me to replay through again.

[@TheAbigailDee]

I'm so late to discovering your work and now I'm hooked!!

[@saint23thomas]

"All this walking isn't healthy." -- Yahtzee Croshaw

[@kalleder2697]

4:57 a pizza party is not always good. Just ask Michael.

[@josesosa3337]

ANOTHER WALKING JUMPSCARE SIMULATOR LETS GO!!!!

[@sailoritaly]

0:57 Inside a Mind would like to talk

[@WitchLunaEstrella]

The main problem I had with this game is that the Blair Witch seems to be nothing more than window dressing. Sure, sometimes her symbol shows up, her name is dropped occasionally and there's sometimes a spooky lady saying spooky things, but it feels like a very superficial connection to the original source material. As was mentioned, this could've been basically anything else and it would've been about the same. I think I would've been more invested if they didn't put so much focus on Mr Generic's back story. They drop the same few pieces of information over and over and then expect us to care about some other bad thing he did. I just found it very difficult to care about him, partially because the game kept trying to connect things to the Blair Witch, but also because I was far more interested in the antagonist's motivations and experiences. Sadly that ended up being a mistake since it all ends up a vague and confusing soup by the end of proceedings and the actual kidnapping becomes very unimportant. Also, I tend to be rather put off by the whole "no John you are the demons" twist in games these days because it's often not done well. In this case, there were only one or two hints about it, but I didn't feel particularly clever for having figured it out and it made things more confusing rather than less. Especially since the kidnapped boy just kinda vanishes from the story except for being waved around as a maguffin near the end. I would've preferred if the primary antagonist (other than the Blair Witch's occasional interventions) had a different back story or something and we found out more information about him as proceedings went along.

[@originalkestaa]

Merch sale ends literally the day before payday. Fucking lovely. Thanks.

[@Luckyjack01]

I love that the object he uses for size reference is a tea bag. Use what you know i guess.

[@vlafa8479]

3:54 _Walker has left the server_ Can you please do a Pathologic 2 review??

[@kaertistheblack8443]

I laughed far too much at this. Actually, far too much is perfect; thank you.

[@Rendo86]

The good ending's no flashing inner demons thing seems to be a metaphor for ptsd/anxiety coping methods. This doesn't work in this instance because if you ignore these attacks they kill you. plus, a therapy dog for anxiety would sense an attack in progress and does try to calm the victim, but i'm guessing the method would not look good (basiclly the dog lay on the duffer to apply pressure to calm them

[@SophiaAstatine]

Alternate endings for replay value is kind of like selling a sandwich on the fact that you can eat it twice with different flavours. One chicken bacon the first time, shit and toilet water the second time.

[@swoot4653]

Just a psa: For the good ending, you actually only have to not kill the monsters in the last leg of the game (the house), you can sneak around them fairly easily

[@danielhaigler556]

I actually know a lot of veterans who named they're dogs after war related items. Bullet, gunner, claymore. I knew a Vietnam vet who named his tabby cat agent orange. A world war 2 vet I knew when I was really young had an old German Shepard he named kraut. I, a veteran myself, named my dog Archibald. But in fairness I am a bit odd

[@fishpop]

I want the Imp pushes to be sold again. I missed out back in the day. :(

[@canaldofrank7122]

Since the magazine was bought, they've been milking him the best they can

[@traviswilliams2348]

October second?! That's my birthday! How dare you take away such a beautiful thing on my day if birth you cads!!!!

[@jaredlucev4481]

You don't set off former soldiers by naming a dog "Bullet". We love bullets. You fuck with us by naming your dog "Incoming".

[@IceDelight]

Bullet the dog - Classic.

[@enes1324]

Yahtzee should really do Vampire the Masquearade Bloodlines. The sequel's coming out and all.

[@cynical8330]

Yahtzee's new book Will Destroy the Galaxy for Cash, the long awaited sequel to Will Save the Galaxy for Food, comes out tomorrow. I'm so excited!

[@jz3488]

at 5:26 in this video I finally see the bloober logo for what it was meant to be all along.

[@ErasureBratt420]

Did you say bullet? What???? Where where?! 😭😂😂

[@docterfantazmo]

We know your therapy has been long and arduous, learning to walk after loosing a leg to a landmine is never easy, so we got you a companion dog... this is BANG!

[@anarchist135]

Remember forgiveness rhymes with weakness

[@danhawk1006]

Definitely naming my next dog Willy Pete

[@shnacallanan2656]

why do the merch now? I'm so broke :( Ah well, maybe next time! Hope it all goes well for you!!! :)

[@Montesama314]

Naming a dog Bullet? I hope it wasn't a military dog because that would have made for awkward missions. "BULLET!" "Aww, good bo-" (Jaw flies off)

[@distractedFreek]

I'm glad ZP shows up on my home tab so I don't have to search for them every since I unsubscribed from all the other stuff that keeps filling up my feed.

[@mrkrunch4340]

1:35 - forgotten the sofa graphic again. 2:23 - and again....

[@rob98000]

I mean bullet isn't the worst name for someone with ptsd, it's a bullet, something a soldier wouldn't want to run out of, something he can rely on.

[@xXMcLovin159Xx]

WHITE PHOSPHORUS THE DOG!!! Im howling

[@headlesschicken6990]

Slenderman 2! Featuring your companion hawk, Patriot Missle coming Q1 2020....