Citizen Soldier - If I Surrender (First Time Reaction)

[@CitizenSoldier]

this was a hard one to write. Hope anyone feeling like this hears this and knows they’re not alone. We’re building a community so you don’t have to be. Much love 🖤

[@Damien-ic3yg]

song made me cry thats excally how i feel in the song

[@Damien-ic3yg]

ive been feeling it for 2 months going on 3

[@CabalisticSpecies]

Another amazing one💜

[@DragonBlade98]

Honestly you guys smashed this one out of the park. The song itself was done amazingly but the way you also conveyed the message and feeling of the song is perfect. It is easily one of your best songs

[@xoxo_izzy_d7435]

i literly been suicidal for the past few days and put this and the song "Im not ok" on repeat im still suicidal!! i just cut and carved "ADANDON ME? on my left arm and on my right thigh i carved "FUCK EVERYTHING" I KEEP PUSHING BUT MY LIFE IS JUST...................UNEXPLAINABLE IM JUST TIRED OF LIVING IM READY TO JUST GRAB THAT BADE I CARVED MY ARM AND THIGHTS WITH AND SLIT MY WRITS!!!!!!! I NEED SOME SUPPORT!!!!!!! ALL I WANT IN THIS WORLD IT TO BE HAPPY BUT I CANT EVER EXPERIENCE THAT!!!!!!!

[@maniacloki]

This song says everything I'm afraid to say...

[@CabalisticSpecies]

Speak out, people are here to listen :)

[@sidestreetreaper4203]

@@CabalisticSpecies and to share

[@texasgirl907]

I'd never heard of citizen solder before, this was so powerful. Speaks to the souls of so many people who are suffering usually in silence.

[@spitz5183]

They’re an amazing band. You should definitely check out more of their stuff. Another band to check out is Arrows to Athens who are even more underrated.

[@texasgirl907]

Thanks for the other option I'll have to listen

[@otakuweebxx2830]

I have always seeked negative attention. Through my abandonment issues, and my crippling fear of being a burden. My parents have always been there for me, but when they always sent me away and I always saw them leave and never come back for weeks on end I lost all trust in them. I just needed somebody to talk to, and through all of that nobody ever heard me. To this day, to this very day I showed them wrong. The day I gave up on myself was the day somebody very special came into my life. He told me that everything will be alright. He gave me the hug I've longed to receive, and to this day I'm still struggling with my insecurities, my depression but.....He told me that I'm worth waiting for, and that was the day I broke down and told him everything, and to this very day we're going on 7 months and he's always making jokes to sooth my crippling anxieties. And, to me he's worth waiting for as well

[@luunara7065]

I never cried so hard! It took me completly by surprise! The song is exactly what I felt when I got diagnozed with cancer - I'm fine by now - and it just is getting me now! You can't run forever I learned today. Love your videos!

[@CabalisticSpecies]

You're a trooper 🖤

[@kylielamb5046]

This song really hit home for me. I have a disability and wonder every day if I would be missed

[@CabalisticSpecies]

I would miss you

[@dominiktimo703]

I would miss you too

[@sidestreetreaper4203]

now there´s three people missing you

[@leowana4041]

:)

[@captaingarvielloken2319]

It's a warming thought to see so many who can relate and want to help others, to save them from being the dying proof. I still fight it and I'll admit it's tough, I actually cut myself in the past and it wasn't for attention. It was the only way to let my pain out, I was ashamed and his the cuts from my family. I remember the first time I tried to take me life, my mother never knew until I had a mental breakdown in school and told the counselor.

[@Azachiel]

Yeah, that song hits deep. Citizen Soldier is very good at making songs that reach you in that primal way. And I have to point out from personal experience, to a depressed person saying "Somebody else has it worse than you" is just about the most useless thing you can say. Because the only answer to that is "Yeah, probably. And?" Actually, and I hope it's not bad form to mention another band in response to a video like this, that particular text-bubble reminded me from a line from Icon for Hire's song 'You can't kill us' which summarized that sentiment well "And I knew people had it worse, but that didn't make me better. Took everything I had, just to hold myself together". Because, and many who haven't had depressions don't seem to understand this, pain is not a competition, and the fact that others are in worse physical or mental states does not improve your own in any way.

[@CabalisticSpecies]

🖤

[@RazgrizLeader]

I cried so hard when this song came out. Was 1 am on my dead son's 6th birthday. Fit so well with my issues..

[@CabalisticSpecies]

Stay strong brother, sending my love

[@samantharogers8634]

I just had a very emotional and heartbreaking break up today and then as if on cue this song comes out. All I've done since finding it is repeat this song over and over because I can relate to these lyrics so much.

[@CabalisticSpecies]

It may not seem like it right now but when one door closes many others open up, sending you my love 🖤

[@samantharogers8634]

@@CabalisticSpecies Thank you so much! x

[@ExileOfGods]

You earned a subscriber. The talk you made about those things people often say….it broke me. I truly did need to hear that as I’ve been suicidal the past few months. Even though I have medication that helps me but sometimes it’s not enough. Thank you and everybody on here and yourself included; Stay Strong ❤️

[@CabalisticSpecies]

❤️

[@JasmineG96]

Damn this song hits differently. Didn't know how much I needed to hear those things until you said them. Amazing video, thank you Cab

[@CabalisticSpecies]

That's why I do it💜

[@tamarack1pines]

I listen to Citizen Soldier and NF when my issues get to be too much! Those artists have helped me when I truly needed it! 👏😔

[@deku1373]

Their songs really hit home for me this song basically says all the things I was thinking when I lost my brother its been 5 years now since my brother passed and honestly it really hasn't gotten any easier I've surrounded myself with friends and that helps some

[@CabalisticSpecies]

I'm so sorry to hear that, even if things don't get "better" you will get stronger and make him proud 🖤

[@Sn1perAJ]

It is impossible for them to do a bad song because they write about what is real.

[@CabalisticSpecies]

100%🖤

[@awa5785]

100%

[@alyssawendigo]

I’ve suffered through a lot and, if I’m being honest, Citizen Soldier’s songs make me “push down deeper” because they explain so much about what I deal with everyday for my past life. I’m not saying they’re bad songs, they’re just relatable. “If I surrender” was the first song I listened to from this band. As soon as I listened to it, I pushed myself to listen to more and found out many songs they do about this stuff. I’m trying to push my way out of it, but it’s hard. 😓

[@Arilou14714]

Love how he played rumors in the background at the beginning

[@veraromakina8115]

This songs describes all my feelings. I was crying while listening to this powerful song. It took some time to realize that all of it was in my life too. Just wanna say that was an amazing, true performance. Lyrics hit so hard. Remember you are loved, you will overcome your hard times. If you need someone to talk to, you can do it with me. Honestly. And thank you for the reaction. I like it.

[@ARC-0606]

They actually inspired me to write a poem Alright here's the poem it's called Surrender Recently I've been feeling so ashamed by these thoughts I've been hiding away from you in my head. I've been holding them down underwater,but they twist me violently. Lately I've been hanging by a thread. This time I don't wanna be saved. So please let me fall! Let me break under everything unsaid! Please just let me die, because I can't take living with what's in my head. If I surrender to the monsters in me What if I surrender to them, will it set me free. What's the point of holding on, when no one seems to care if I exist. There's no agony like being strong when I one you're sick. I'm so sick of hearing I should stay when I know I would never be missed. So why won't you let me fall! Why won't you let me break under everything unsaid! Why won't you just let me die! Because I can't take living with what's in my head. So what would happen if I surrender to the monsters in me? If I did would I finally be set free? If only you could see under my skin, you'd realize why I hold it in. You'd see why it's a fight I don't wanna win. If you could see all my abuse and spend a day inside my shoes, you'd understand why I just wanna lose. Would anyone believe the hell of being me before I decide to be the dying proof! People say, "You're just being dramatic." But I'm not just being dramatic! They say, "Someone has it worse than you." Do you think I don't know someone has it worse than me! Saying that only makes me feel selfish and even worse! They say, "You're not praying enough." Do you think I don't get on my knees and pray for this to go away! I pray every f*cking night for this to go away! They say, "You're just doing this for attention." No, I'm not! I don't want any attention, in fact I want the opposite. They say, "Suicide is selfish." I feel even worse when you tell me that. There are things you shouldn't say because they can and will worsen my mental health. I don't want to feel this way! Please do me a favor. Let me fall! Let me break under everything unsaid! Just let me die! Because I can't take living with what's in my head! If I surrender to my monsters, would I finally be set free? -Numa/Elizabeth D.

[@markpaulitz2991]

Hello Elizabeth, if you need someone to talk to, i can try to be that person. And if you don't need a person to talk to i would still like to just talk a bit about whatever you want. I don't know if youtube has dm's or stuff like that, i only comment somewhere like every once in a year, so no clue ^^"

[@ARC-0606]

I'm good I actually have a wonderful support group of people on Wattpad but thank you for the offer

[@markpaulitz2991]

That is good to hear ^^ Hope you have a good day/night

[@Cowsablanca]

This one hits so hard. I'm married, with kids, but I still feel so alone. I'm destined to walk alone, and no-one is in the hallways with me. I've come to terms with it. It's the struggle in me :(

[@xenotriver]

Yeeee my fav song to date. Hope you love it just like me!

[@CabalisticSpecies]

💜

[@SchalomAyashi]

The first time I heard this song, I was going somewhere and I broke in to tears right than and there. My legs could not hold me up. It felt like they took my feelings and my story, gave it a heavy hitting voice and screamed it right outh of my chest. Something so accurately fitting, somthing that no one would have said out loud... My thoughts, just screamed out in a song. It was just to heavy to hold the first time but after hearing my own thoughts getting called out so openly I could smile again, there were much more peopel out there like me, holding barely on, that heared that song. We were given a Voice, a sign that there are peopel listening and giving us time to get a grip again. I knew Citizen Soldier befor from a couple of songs but that hit me, at that moment, so hard I was completely in love with what they are trying to create.

[@MPNxEclipsim]

What you said about the words inside the bubbles after the verse "before I decide to be the dying proof" hit me closer to home than anyone would ever know ppl said those things to me daily and still do and what you said was what I felt but I have severe social anxiety among other mental disorders that make it hard for me to speak with just words so thank you so much it really does help to know someone else gets it and music has always been my words when I failed to talk so all my heart goes out to you and citizen soldier for giving me a voice with not only your music but also your kind words much love to you all 🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

[@CabalisticSpecies]

🖤🖤

[@AC11Marvin]

Thank you for this reaction and especially the comment on the phrases near the end of the song. Feels good to hear this

[@bradjarman8721]

New Citizen Soldier song is out - Face To Face. Definitely worth a listen. Love your reactions can definitely see they're heartfelt. Exactly how Citizen Soldiers music hits me too!

[@leonmislo]

The way that you relate to this song is such awesome ! Love the song, also your reaction on it ! 💜 ;

[@CabalisticSpecies]

💜

[@shafireman700]

It's not exactly awesome, considering it means he's had to gone through alot of pain, but seeing the way he uses this pain to help others.. Is amazing.

[@CabalisticSpecies]

@@shafireman700 thank you 🥺

[@EpiClypse30]

4:19 following... 100 % right. Thank you. Just thank you.

[@reapernate208]

love it when you mention the last part, bout the speeches!

[@jenlegendary]

Okay... love your reaction and also all these words you have for us! Thanks for that🖤

[@CabalisticSpecies]

💜

[@josephforsline8049]

Hey man. I just watched this reaction and wanna say it really encouraged me. Thank you for what you said.

[@noahcoulombe4125]

They’re honestly my favorite band out there for the fact that I can relate to so much of their content. And since you said I could talk here... My life story is nothing but shit. Starting at birth, right after I was born my dad starting drinking and doing drugs, as well as selling them. He couldn’t hold a job so he went to selling pills for money. When I was 3, he came home drunk one night. My mom and I were playing in my room when we heard him crashing through the house. My mom got up and locked the door knowing he’d gotten violent before. She sat back down and we heard footsteps outside. He jiggles the door knob. When he realizes it’s locked he punches the door, puts a hole clean through the hardwood door. Once he does that the doors open. He comes in. Grabs me and locks me in the garage. Now from what my mom says, a fight broke out in the kitchen, which resulted with him smashing a glass against her face, which she still has a scar from. She tried to get to me and they keep fighting. Once she does get to me, she takes me outside to the car. Once I’m in he slams the door on my moms arm, nearly breaking it, we got away that day. Skip ahead 9 years (5 of which were spent in counseling), I start seeing him again, going over to his house, staying the night, I get to know my brothers and his wife. This went on for a year. Then I realized something, odd smells, his wife was leaving at early hours of the morning and not coming back till dinner the next night, he always had bloodshot eyes, and she always covered her arms. My brothers told me this was normal, so I thought nothing of it. They had taped their speedometers saying they were broken, we weren’t allowed in their room. Later I found out they were using, heroin crack meth you name it they did it. They lost my trust, which took 10 years to regain, in 2 months. I’m 14, it’s only been 11 years since the first assault I remember. This is where it sucks to have a photographic memory. The scene replays in vivid images in my head, and I think “this started right after I was born, so it must be my fault, I caused him to do it, I caused my mom to get hurt, I caused his family to get hurt when it happened last year, if I want born none of it would’ve happened, nobody would’ve gotten hurt”. My step dad came into the picture when I was 5. Of course I’m a little shit head. I refuse to do anything he says. At age 10 I’m a full fletched kleptomaniac, stealing whatever I can from whoever I can. I still refuse to do what he says most of the time. In my 14 years, I’ve learned so much about how this world works. I never thought the monsters were under my bed, instead I watched the doors and windows. I still get flashbacks to when I was 3, and lemme tell you the anxiety and depression and PTSD don’t mix well. At 25 I’ll probably be a diagnosed schizophrenic. I have pretty bad add from the ptsd, and I can’t go to roseburg Oregon without going into a state of hypervigilance. To anyone out there contemplating suicide, either do it, or get some help with your problems, and don’t let the monsters control you. If you’re in an abusive situation, get out of it ASAP. I’m mentally abusive to myself and it’s not pretty at times. Meds don’t do anything for me, and therapy’s a waste of time. I can’t trust anyone that doesn’t have trust issues also. My only friends are just as fucked up as me. There are people out there like you, some do have it worse, but none know what you’ve been through, nobody could ever know what’s inside your head. But we can understand some of the pain you’ve been through. Reach out to me if you need someone to talk to. My discord tag is @YourFBIAgent#2096. And my Reddit username is u/Salty-Expression-840. Feel free to dm me if you want. If you don’t have those apps just comment on this. I wish everybody a happy life, free of worry and free of any and all issues. Stay away from drugs and alcohol and be who you want. Don’t let your monsters or the people that hurt you run your life. Have a nice day/night and stay safe.

[@CabalisticSpecies]

[@Dorothea1213]

I was waiting for this💜

[@CabalisticSpecies]

💜

[@maniacloki]

4:17 🖤

[@CabalisticSpecies]

🖤

[@jenlegendary]

Waiting for citizen soldier's comment✋🏻

[@CabalisticSpecies]

I do enjoy it when they comment! 🖤

[@ashtynh9601]

I was waiting on you to react to this, always love your reaction videos. I cried the first time I listened to it!

[@jillianwrieden3764]

This hit really hard for me cause this what I'm always scared to tell my parents

[@FlappyBirdGamer-ky5kj]

Only by knowing the same pain can we truly understand each other.

[@CabalisticSpecies]

It will get better I promise ❤️

[@jessecardenas6971]

I can not find one song I don't like, and I feel like all the songs i can relate in some way

[@Gamer-k2l]

My family constantly brings up somebody has it worse than me, which completely invalidates how im feeling. I've been diagnosed with multiple mental illnesses... That's all i have to say. Thanks for reading this.

[@roguecloud5674]

Awesome video, been loving your reactions, had these songs on repeat for the longest time. And while I agree with you and appreciate how supportive you try to be, I only disagree with the suicide not being selfish thing, I agree under most circumstances, but if you don't take into account those who will be thrown into what you're going through because of it I believe it is selfish, I'm not saying it's bad though, there is a healthy amount of selfishness to have, especially when you're the type to always give and never take.

[@e_m_m_a_0122]

The suicide is not selfish thing Tw: suicide options I was 15, very ill, being bullied, very bad home life. I told my mum I felt suicidal, she asked me how I would do it. I said, probably pill overdose because jumping would traumatise others and slitting wrists would traumatise her. She said I must not actually be suicidal then, because I still cared about other people's lives. I have a-typical empathy, so I could literally be thrown into fire and still worry for the person who did it, and she knew this. Really fricked me up for a long time, among numerous other things.

[@katherinemoss4822]

This one always makes me fucking ball my eyes out

[@maureenculbreath]

I know this reaction is months old but had to comment - I have heard so many ppl say the line "suicide is selfish" - speaking from experience, there are ppl who contemplate, attempt, or succeed in suicide bc they are thinking the complete opposite, that it's better for everyone else for them to be gone, that staying here, staying in ppls lives, staying alive is selfish...

[@CabalisticSpecies]

Thank you for commenting ❤️

[@IndyColt92]

Definitely relatable.

[@CabalisticSpecies]

💜

[@spitz5183]

Love this song. They just keep releasing music. They never stop, and I love it. Could you check out a similar band called Arrows to Athens? I recommend the songs ‘Dust & Gold’, ‘Stars’, and ‘Used to Be’.

[@CabalisticSpecies]

🖤

[@arkani_]

an week ago i was at my lowest. Couldnt sleep until i cried myself to sleep. An week later i still stay up at 3 am for no reason i just dont wanna sleep and wake up to go thru the same shit again. I dont know if i am depressed it all feels like so numb but at the same time i feel like giving up. All in all i have panic attacks or just anxiety tics but these are so worse that my mind cant handle my situation.

[@CabalisticSpecies]

Hey, just wanted to say thank you for sharing your pain with us. I know how difficult that can be, I have been in a similar place to you, I can't say the same as it is always different for each individual, but what i can say is that if you keep on fighting and being as strong as you are, you will get through this. I believe in you. You have got this.

[@arkani_]

@@CabalisticSpecies thank u this means a lot to me :)

[@jenlegendary]

Didn't watched it yet but on my way! My first reaction Was all time like: 🥺😭

[@CabalisticSpecies]

🖤

[@alexcrow4429]

I was wondering when your notification will pop up :D

[@CabalisticSpecies]

💜

[@joshbnsf]

Loved it

[@CabalisticSpecies]

🖤

[@YoshimuraKaizen6909]

Well I'm gonna be honest with you all I live because I want to listen to Citizen Soldiers songs and jam to it until I'm cured from my depression also there is another reason why I live because I want to see what Cabalistic thought about their new songs Thanks for making my day I hope you all continue the fight even if nobody believes in you

[@CabalisticSpecies]

I'm here for you🖤

[@YoshimuraKaizen6909]

@@CabalisticSpecies Thank you 🖤 Take care always Cabalistic I'll wait for your new video

[@aleejakhan7413]

FINALLY, this song tho....

[@CabalisticSpecies]

💜

[@braydentheriault5217]

So real of pain And yet so relatable 😭 - Abby Brayden's gf

[@sidestreetreaper4203]

fuck now I might need to subscribe

[@CabalisticSpecies]

We'd be happy to have you on board 🖤

[@sidestreetreaper4203]

@@CabalisticSpecies Thanks, I didn´t like how red the subscribe button was. So I made it grey. I´m already looking forward for another awesome video

[@Animefullscreen830]

Can you react to face to face by citizen soldiers. Plz it’s there new song it’s amazing

[@xytan3502]

If u don't find me here in a few days, or weeks.. just know I tried... I did.. I really tried my best...

[@CabalisticSpecies]

Need you to keep fighting 🖤

[@xytan3502]

@@CabalisticSpecies trying bro..🥺

[@CabalisticSpecies]

@@xytan3502 I believe in you 💪🏽

[@xytan3502]

@@CabalisticSpecies needed that.. thnku 🥺💕

[@aceuser1598]

Do new song face to face by Citizen Soldier