The Main Challenge of the INFJ Personality

Follow me on instagram here: / claytonarnall
In this video, I explore what I believe to be the main challenge that many INFJ's face. Here's a few other videos you can check out if you like this one:
Boundaries: • How to Set Up Rock Sol...
People Pleasing: • INFJs: Stop Obsessing ...

[@thejiddy]

Infjs cringe when people praises them. They may smile and said thanks, but in their head "am I really that worth of a praise?" ----------------------------------------------- My personal rule that I made years ago is this: "The less I know, the better". Yes, it does sound ignorant but it's for my own protection. I'm protecting myself from all those negativities around me that may be having some negative impacts on myself. But this only applies to knowing about things that people do and not about knowledge in general.

[@scamwitness6594]

HAHA! Well said. I fucking hate compliments! They sound so needless and alien.

[@Kim-Berly200]

thejiddy Indeed

[@robertdabob8939]

@thejiddy You're describing yourself as traumatized, distrusting, and cut off. I get that on a personal level, but you have to learn to read others, understand them better, and develop yourself via psychology in whichever of it's many forms appeal to you personally. That's where balance is found so you can consciously open yourself up to the right people. ie, the NF's and introverts you can actually relate to. Otherwise, you're just cutting yourself off from the deep experiences you crave that make life worth living, since you'll inevitably throw out the baby with the bath water because, as a result of your own projections, those you can relate to will likely appear to you as just another guy, or girl, that will mess you up. It's on us if we can't engage with people and manage our own level of vulnerability. For example, most people are merely acquaintances, so ask yourself how you do analyze people, or what do you need to know about people in order to discern if you can develop trusting relationships with them? If we can't answer these sorts of questions then we're the problem, and in a very real, and problematic way, since the world is in the state it's in precisely because we aren't emotionally developed in healthy ways, and project all our shit outwardly on to the world. You know, the definition of narcissism. INFP here btw.

[@robertdabob8939]

@Mackenzie L Sorry, I was replying to the OP. I corrected it. thejiddy stated: "I'm protecting myself from all those negativities around me that may be having some negative impacts on myself." That tells me they've maybe been hurt, or even just affected by people in bad ways, and remain overly defensive as a result. So I'm just generally speaking to that idea. I look at such things from the standpoint of trauma and emotional development, since, if not developed, that's what'll continue to affect your life negatively, and largely in the context of what I've learned from people like Carl Jung, and Gabor Mate, as well as from my own personal experience and love of psychology. I'm actually empathizing with what they might be experiencing, and trying to share what I've learned about emotional trauma. I'm certainly not judging. I might be reading in to it too much, but hey, just go with it right? lol "Perhaps the individual is guarded and rightfully so." To what degree? That's a symptom of neuroticism rather than a solution to anything, isn't it? I've been overly guarded most of my life. But that's not healthy, or any way to live, and our narcissistic culture is certainly no ones friend (they have pills for that), so I've learned to watch what's going on in peoples personalities in terms of repressed emotions and the projections that go with them. These manifest as what you'll often experience as gas lighting, condescension, cruelty and manipulation, or an inability of some people to regulate their own emotions. In that, I'm able to gauge my level of vulnerability, or openness, and I can be more confident in myself in knowing who I can trust, and who needs to be kept at superficial level of persona. Narcissism exists on a spectrum and needless to say, we live in a shallow culture with high levels of narcissism due to a real lack of emotional development and over identification with superficial things like jobs and status. Implicit in that is you're surrounded by adults with the emotional intelligence of children, so us sensitive types will not fair well unless we take it upon ourselves to understand who and what we're dealing with in the relationships we have throughout our lives and the world we spend it in. In turn, learning about, developing, and maturing our own emotions and well being. I think there's a real need in the world for sensitive and empathetic people to grow and become healthy, well developed individuals in order to help counter that inherent lack of emotional maturity we have today, and in my experience many INFJs are well suited to that. Hence my rambling on an INFJ channel lol.

[@robertdabob8939]

@Mackenzie L Yes, you describe having a healthy barrier as opposed to how I read in to the OP's comment, I totally agree with that, and thank you, I learned it all the hard way lol. "we keep guarded as to not let them in and in the process, the “good” ones pay the price...." That's what I was getting at in my first comment. Something to be aware of for sure. It can easily be misinterpreted as you not liking them if not expressed, or as in my example, if someone was badly hurt previously, and is too afraid to open up at all, they may continue to suffer in the form of loneliness. Either way, a person sensitive to any such needs is required, and anything worthwhile takes time to develop through friendship anyhow. Cheers!

[@Madhukirtan]

"If you are an INFJ and everybody is happy with you, you're probably doing the wrong thing..." Wow!! You are such a beautiful person, Clay!

[@terriheisel1150]

ikr it doesnt matter who i ask about who i am the answer is always: super nice friendly helpful and positive, im like thats great but that describes how i can be at times but not who i am, i dunno but it really bugs me at times that alot of people are great with me not seeming to have an identy whereas they are concerned.

[@isla4953]

@@terriheisel1150 I was the kindest most caring infj until I got emotionally destroyed and used over and over again. Now, after so many years I can actually embrace being hard on rude people and not feel like it’s my fault that they don’t like me. Fuck them really. They don’t deserve our kindness but getting here took being shattered and reconstructed.

[@terriheisel1150]

@@isla4953 Im really sorry you had to go through all that, you can be proud of yourself that you can say no sooner now though, sadly we all have to learn new patterns, there are so many bad people out there, so we have to stick together and help eachother. Im sad you had to go through your pain but atleast you learnt from it.:)

[@Angela-ms2en]

This line really stood out to me and I think it's going to help me a lot.

[@LegoFlipC]

That’s the best thing I have read all year.

[@sirmeurtrier6951]

I never thought I was crazy I just thought people were stupid because they couldn’t understand my viewpoint

[@firdawsnesrinemahboubi4519]

Same here 😆

[@withwingsaseagleeyes]

I have said it is just ignorance on others part as it was My ignorance from the day I was born, learning from parents then looking over my 3 siblings and learning from a tutor who was a wrestling coach which taught me wrestling, and learning Ignorantly what life really is by the time I was in my fifties but really haven't grown in terms of mentality as so many of us do with even the heart-felt part of us at what ever level one has reached in benevolence for others lives. One sees a system that was supposedly hijacked by groups of men and even Conglamerates of Corps and also Government Officials sitting in seats of power that are on a higher class then all of Us who are not part of that hierarchy which only members are allowed. When you turn 60 as an INFJ as I have there are so many Peoples Whose lands are in someone else's hands, not in our Indigenous hands no matter where One's people are from for it is all Corperatized...

[@bittersweet6507]

I find it frustrating that people cling to or follow a cult-like mindset like the trumpers do. Think for yourselves!

[@jchumley9484]

@@bittersweet6507 you don't seem very INFJ like.

[@philipsteedman8037]

I googled 1 night "why is 99% of the world so f....ng stupid" and the first result at the top of results found was talking about a book where 15 chapters try to explain Everything 15 different ways an cant but only 1 chapter can do it with harmony

[@Ojuolape]

Someone once told me social media is like listening to everyone’s thoughts while walking down a rowdy street and woah...

[@kellybest1905]

Ojuolape wow-greatest explanation

[@ayaaly2866]

Wow exactly when I deleted all of them my mind was weirdly quite and I always say the same to my my friends social media is like being locked in one room with thousands of people and listening to all of them all the time

[@tiwiogunye]

This feels like I'm watching myself, it's so cool.

[@11AceHearts11]

I've felt the same way since the first once I watched. I took the Meyers Briggs test recently and I started searching for what INFJ was. 2 years ago I tested as INFP. I found his video where he explains the difference between the 2 and I felt like I was watching myself... I've only ever felt that in my dreams. I have very vivid and intense dreams sometimes. Very realistic.. But watching him, it's like I'm watching myself in another body.. Its surreal.. Its like my dreams are kind of becoming reality, in a way.. I'm feeling the same bizzare intense emotions.. it's very cool! Lol

[@neferkroll]

it is funny because sometimes people (who are starting to know us) takes us for very calming, chill people. Then when they criticize something (or us) without thinking before speaking, and we have to show our "intense" mode, they think we have been fake, or not reasonable... and they tend to think we are not trustworthy, because we "appear so different from what we were". it just drives me insane... how people can be so superficial... in the past I really used to struggle with this, I couldn't make any friends - and then I decided to hide my "intense" mode. but that was just not healthy... nowadays i try to balance it a little more, but I guess it will always be a challenge... thank you for this video, once again :)

[@lukula2934]

Yes, when that intense side would show, I'd get comments like, "there are two people inside you"....clearly not intended as compliment.

[@januaryforward1320]

This is true. It’s like I wear many hats. People treat people like they only have 1 layer. So when you don’t do what they THOUGHT you should’ve done, “you’ve changed.” Like, yeah. I did. 😂

[@gummygummie1832]

True.. I got ya back ❤

[@mandyvincent1439]

"Either I am crazy, or everyone else is crazy" was what prompted me to see a therapist at the age of 12 just to find out. Therapist told me that I am of an elevated maturity and intellect, so it would appear that most people were strange or crazy. This started my journey in life were I understood that I was NOT the NORM. I became very selective of who I allowed into my 'inner circle'. I prefer the value of someone's character. I have two actual friends, but several surface level people in my day to day life. Thank you for your video.

[@vslsk8605]

This is my story too. I started questioning my own self during the primary school cause I have seen the difference even thought at that time I wasn't able to give an answer why , but after my psychologist told me that I was very mature and aware of my own personality I feel like blessed aside from the incapability to stop being a people pleaser

[@CRFSUIGENERIS]

Thank goodness I’m not alone. Thank you for your story. I’ll follow suit. ;)

[@omfeelingsg8725]

Love this comment, Mandy. You were lucky to not have been dealt a healthcare professional who didn’t want to appear less than you (even though you know that wouldn’t be the case). You were dealt a professional who was comfortable with letting you know the truth. And it sounds like you haven’t wasted it. More power to you.

[@julieabehling]

I remember when I was in 1st grade, looking around the room and thinking "what is wrong with all these people?"

[@ross7495]

Woaahh I'm glad that I finally know that I am not alone. As early as second grade, I've always felt that I had a different thought process compared to my peers and I've always thought that maybe I was just incredibly delusional.

[@ctdali]

Very interesting analysis. I usually end up living my values, but often alone. The challenge is to accept what is and let things go, not change others.

[@1594simonsays]

Its like taking on the world, and when you describe yourself people misunderstand you EVERYTIME because they have the attention spans and empathy of a squirrel, i feel so alone. I am so negative right now that every little things pisses me off

[@ctdali]

chris x Be easy on yourself. The big lesson is to accept people as they are. Most don’t see the world the way you do and never will. It’s a journey. I have found that a meditation/spiritual practice is very helpful.

[@1594simonsays]

ctdali how do most people view the world in comparison to us

[@ctdali]

chris x good question. I find that I am generally a “big picture” person. I synthesize many details to get at a larger viewpoint or perspective. I am very goal oriented but like to daydream a lot. My daydreams/imagination are often very intense and the real word often doesn’t match up. This sounds silly but I feel like I am a Jedi knight in a star wars movie-very focused, looking at the big goal, I get frustrated with people who aren’t that way-intense yet dreamy (think Luke sky walker with Yoda). How are you???

[@JC-qj5yy]

I can feel (Know) a person is a narcissist immediately. I can be around them more comfortably now, because i know their next move. If I have trouble with them, i can separate my feelings from theirs just by telling myself what are my feelings and what are theirs. This is very grounding.

[@barbarawarren9443]

Such a deep, beautiful "discussion." Listening to you talk about this has helped me so much. As an INFJ, I have had to let go of keeping that perfect image in other people's eyes in order to live in my truth and be my genuine self. It doesn't make me popular when I go against the superficial social norm or the "brules," but I am at peace with it now. Others will never understand and that's okay.

[@JonasAnandaKristiansson]

Yes!

[@crystalcoby]

We understand!

[@1594simonsays]

why do people feel that we always have to be who they want us to be i need answers

[@DakotaRising2020]

what I've learned is that the "extroverted feeling" part is how we intuitively experience what others are feelings and we absorb that energy (whatever it is), and this drains us (obviously), hence the need to always make sure we have enough alone time to recharge... and to set boundaries for ourselves so we don't get used up.

[@lydiaboswell9789]

You are so describing what I have been through most of my life. Living without knowing and understanding who I was until last December when I discovered I was an INFJ. I didn't understand why I was a magnet for narcissistic people, why I was seen as a pushover or doormat. By understanding my personality type, I have been able to set boundaries and not feel guilty about it. I have also been working on making the adjustments necessary to lead a healthy life. Thank you for sharing, it really helps!

[@pooja21century]

Can you do a video about being able to think on your feet? Like as an Infj i find it so hard to verbalise the patterns i see in my brain. At times, i think they are just incommunicable. But then i see people like Jordan Peterson who talk the way i think and it’s such a relief knowing that cause it affirms my patterned thinking. I noticed that even you present your ideas in a similar way...like unwrapping and unravelling a present. It’d be awesome if you could consider this as an idea for your future video. Thanks!

[@ClayArnall]

I think the only way as an INFJ to think fast on your feet is to first be well researched on the topic, followed by time to give your Ni time to process and form conclusions. Jordan Peterson is a different personality - I would guess INTP personally - and that means he’s dominant Ti. INFJs can be solid in their Ti as well but it will never be as strong as the Ni which sometimes needs time to process. But once you’ve processed and formed conclusions you can freely talk. On these videos I only talk about subjects like that.

[@gonicito]

I think that you're spot on on the Achilles heel being Extroverted feeling and Introverted Intuition. Sometimes I feel like I have more than one personality just because I can't help but to act so different with some people, specially friends vs family. Something that I learned recently though is the absolute necessity for INFJ's to integrate their aggression. I believe in Jesus, so I'm always going to try to be kind to everyone no matter what, BUT I also know that we need to get angry sometimes and be selfish. And it's actually possible to have our own voice heard, specially within our closest circle of friends, since we are more extroverted with them.

[@brandiperelli4090]

When listening to you it's like hearing my words come out of your mouth. It is so good for my head space to hear that I'm not crazy even tho I often feel like I am. I've always, always felt/been different than most of the people in my world. Thanks for the INFJ support!!!

[@kristianjensen5877]

It's pretty neat when we find out that there are other people in the world, that function in the same weird way. It makes it a lot easier to accept that we aren't broken or crazy, just, as you say, different from most other people.

[@brandiperelli4090]

@@kristianjensen5877 exactly!

[@meilitan1209]

For an INFJ, you are such a natural speaking at the camera. I've watched quite a few of your videos and I absolutely love the way you could "talk continuously" without referring to any notes. How did you master that? I would have completely lost my train of thoughts. I need to "write down" my thoughts and read directly from the script. I get tongue-tied. Therefore, I prefer writing to talking.

[@ClayArnall]

Well to be honest I can cheat a bit with editing. I’ll read my notes, then talk for a bit, then refer to my notes again. Then edit it to be more seamless. But i try to only write point form so that I’m forced to create actual sentences on the fly rather than try to remember sentences I’ve written.

[@anders3516]

Hey you're speaking from your heart and are straight on. I just turned 61 and am learning to relish my INFJia - understanding that most will misunderstand me, celebrating those who do who thanks to the Internet are often far-flung, having my nerdgasms, not questioning myself after doorslams and listening to who people are rather than feeling the need to explain myself. This "coming out" has been a long process that started with me leaving my evangelical ethnic enclave as a teen all the way to my mother's death a couple of years ago. Whereas I took MBTI in my 20's, it's only been through input and videos like yours that the light bulbs are going off. That makes life bright and good - and tha you a beautiful gifted man. Thank you.

[@robertdickensmusic]

really great insight. this sheds a lot of light on many internal + external conflicts i've experiences over the years. since discovering more things about my personality as an infj i can clearly see the people pleasing in my past that caused me to reject my own introverted intuition. 🙏🏾

[@clomyst]

Woah i just realized the importance of doing stuff for yourself and not for others. This video helped me so much and if you'd done any other video based on what other's want then this wouldn't have existed and i wouldn't have seen it. Even if you are experimenting or less people will watch these, the people who watch this are meant to.

[@spring7643]

This is so true, we have so much input (conflict in news, sad events) in today's world and it overwhelms our Fe. We feel hopeless because we can't solve everything.

[@oliviarinaldi5963]

I am so glad I found your channel. I love learning from you. I used to work in a mental health and substance abuse treatment hospital. I don't have a degree, but all my patients from 18 to 80 loved me. I was an ear for them along with teaching them and assigning them homework related to their needs. When you were talking about people pleasing, it's so true of an INFJ, but I have often tried to get away from people pleasing ways in a mental health vs people pleasing as an INFJ. What do you think? There is truly a difference between a healthy vs unhealthy INFJ. I'm now realizing that. My ex is a narcissist big time. I see so many instances of when he gaslighted me and was unable to take responsibility. It makes me so mad because I didn't see it back then.

[@Adjevii]

So glad I found this channel, it hits heavily with me

[@NicoMyers-i7c]

As an INFJ I can say, that your Videos helped me the most out of all INFJ Videos I have seen. I am always exited to see new content from you :) Keep up the gread job

[@joeherbert4360]

Perfect Clay,as a 44 year Infj, we learn thru the years, I went thru the same growing process as you. I LOVE YOUR INSIGHT AND THE WAY YOUR MIND WORKS. Well done, good content... you are making a difference in many peoples lives

[@jacquenetteviljoen3126]

Wow this makes so much sense. In my life the battle usually comes out between these two functions when dealing with authority figures. I suspect it is because I had a very dominent mother with narcissistic tendencies. Although I have been able to be a lot less people pleasing I still struggle with people like my boss who does not have the ability to see the bigger picture and I also tend to absorb his moods. I am really working on this and it is getting better though.

[@soelocust8792]

Thank you again Clay. Keep talking about what you want and I promise we’re all ears! Everything you say is insightful and tends to resonate with me (and it seems many others in the comments). Also, I encourage you to continue making these videos for YOU about topics for you bc I know how INFJs tend to be people pleasers and that isn’t always healthy. However, I also want to let you know that if you so choose, we would love to hear about your life experiences that have shaped you, however deep or shallowly you would like to get into them. It seems like you are able to pinpoint pivotal moments in your life that have shaped your character and I would personally be super interested in hearing about them. Hope all is well with you and yours!

[@Intellectual_Wand3r3r]

The whole time I'm watching this thinking, "Sir! You don't know my life!", and then I realized that you just explained my life perfectly lol. New subbie :)

[@uckBayNguyen]

The never ending battle of self critique and the constant pursuit to improve would have to be my nemesis. It's a nightmare of outrunning your old shell chasing you and breathing down your neck

[@GoldenGaboca]

I highly resonate with your content and just wanted to say thank you for sharing this with us. Keep up the good work!

[@tieraarakawa4570]

An infj myself, this is exactly what I have been discovering lately, and you're helping me make sense of this!

[@ghoulguts]

oh, wow. Hearing you comment on the person who asked, 'how do you handle all of this input?' was jarring for me. Recently I found out I have ADHD. And I have always been an INFJ ever since my middle school screened me for it (they tried to use it to the students' advantage when teaching). Input is something I have become increasingly more aware of since my new diagnosis. I am always monitoring myself to learn about new triggers, new/old inputs, and what they cause. Hearing you use that term made me finally just click the two things together and consider how they may affect each other, ADHD and INFJ.

[@laralebeu36]

For me as an ENFP it is quite insightful to see all the perspectives in the news especially with trump and to see the selfishness & unconsciousness at play.

[@ClayArnall]

I have a couple ENFP friends actually. They all seem better at this than me. I suspect it’s the combination of introverted feeling, which really helps them keep their core identity in check without excessive outside influence, along with extroverted intuition that thrives on looking at all the possibilities.

[@laralebeu36]

@@ClayArnall Definitely 👍🏻

[@spring7643]

@@laralebeu36 how do you feel similar or different than INFJs?

[@laralebeu36]

@@spring7643 Very different and somehow connected.

[@Cherryandpalette]

“Infj’s end up super insecure and start to wonder if they’re crazy” couldn’t relate more 😂

[@mattorero]

Excellent talk. Really needed to hear this right now. Calmly trusting that you are not crazy is key !

[@martinry5412]

It's nice seeing you as fellow INFJ-male talking about this thing. Because the real struggle to get this type is for the males. As I see it personally, this type is more "ideal" to be impart on females. But well....here we are, INFJ males. Listening to all this explanation really builds and kinda "validate" some of my thoughts as well towards the whole matters : on how we act and react towards things around us. I'm glad for all the sharing (and it's not anything new but hey! someone else thinking similar to me!) When you mentioned that you almost tempted to make the video based on what the others wants to hear....I'm glad you stick to what you wanted to share, because that's what really makes the difference to everyone. I'm thankful for that.

[@Mal0ree]

Wow you’re living in my head. Thanks for being you and sharing your message! Hearing the things that I deal with and think about consistently coming from someone else is so validating

[@crystalcoby]

Yes. Sometimes the introverted intuition with extroverted feeling are so contradictory I get in knots for days before I get exhausted and walk away for good. Thanks for your thoughts on boundaries. Lifelong struggle for me.

[@lucid2184]

This topic is the biggest pain of my life. I'm 54 and have always leaned into hermit mode as much as I could /or contorted myself like a pretzel for others. Meanwhile I'm either offending myself because it's too demanding on me, or offending others who want me to interact more more more. I've hurt lots of feelings and have felt very frustrated and troubled just because of this conflict between introverted intuition and extraverted feeling. It caught up to me and I was sick with hypothyroidism from this. So the answer is to accept non-acceptance from others while being true to self by keeping extraverted feeling in it's place. Nice

[@deepak1987]

Yup, I totally agree. The Fe is my biggest Achilles heel. Controlling the Fe for me is almost as impossible for me as walking into a room with WiFi and not have that 2.4/5ghz enter my body OR walking into rain and not have the rain drops wet me. I generally just witness the episode with some detachment knowing that once I am completely alone for a while and sleep it off, I'll get back my connection to Ni. I deal with this only by controlling my surroundings, By physically distancing and limiting my exposure to others (the most powerless method, because internally it is just impossible to not be influenced for me). I hideout most of the time like a hermit, just to stay 'myself'/Ni connected. I have questioned myself so many times about this, that why is my 'self/Ni' so damn fragile, that the slightly disturbance can completely knock out the connection. Why is a connection to the self that everyone takes for granted, so weak for me?! that the slightest presence of the other or another vibe can knock out. I actually crave for a room with absolute silence and completely sealed, so that I can just feel my damn self, which is so elusive to stay connected with. Imagine if there was a curse like, 'you will lose yourself if there is even one other human in the room', I would be living that, lol. Its like an involuntary hypnosis that just tunes into the other's freq and expectations. I've read a ton about codependency, people-pleasing out of fear, and childhood conditioning from dangerous and negligent people around etc. I even understand those theories so well, I can easily write a personality report for any other person. But the influence! Gosh. And its not just one person, it is the whole feeling environment, everyone in it, the whole atmosphere. I feel everything in the environment, the society, the situation, the weather, everything affects the VIBE. And the damn news! It is guaranteed to destroy my good mood in seconds. Once that happens, its like I have no damn option but to just ENDURE it till it passes. It takes some hours of isolation and distraction to recover. The only other option I have is to resist it, and that just makes things worse anyway. So I just go through it without much resistance, and let it pass as I spend time in isolation and recover my Ni connection.

[@FionaMV]

I feel you!!

[@JonasAnandaKristiansson]

Oh F# this comment.. Yes

[@StermaPerma]

It’s interesting because even clicking on this I felt conflicted. On the one hand I consider people’s opinion who have said that I shouldn’t take the personality test too seriously because I value these people deeply and really am always considerate of what others have to say. On the other hand, this video is absolutely spot on and anything to do with INFJ usually hits the nail right on the head for me. It’s really hard because I partly enjoy being a “social chameleon’, as you mentioned, and I envision my ideal self to be this shape shifting individual who fits into different crowds only to emerge later with a very wise message that I picked up from the different communities. But the other part knows I struggle constantly with not spending enough time with myself and completely lose my identity in the midst of the shape shifting. I’m still quite young (19), and on my journey through the INFJ life, so far Buddhism or the middle way is the most appealing to me and seems to fit with your philosophy in this video. Generally it seems people like us really have to be mediators between ourselves and others. It can be extremely tiring but maybe practice makes perfect. Edit: just want to add that I find your coverage of this topic very significant and helpful. The fact that you are willing to share your experiences with us means a lot. Plus I love the microphone quality and blurry background. P.S.: also much love to Canada from Poland.

[@ScottRiddleArtist]

I moved from Los Angeles to Northern California eight years ago. I now live in a culture that is really a custom to complacency and doing things half assed. And I find it nearly impossible to share my intelligence and gifts with them. Because it always comes off as intimidating/confrontational/judge mental. It’s very difficult to integrate when you’re constantly being faced with peoples lack of ability to think critically. And arrest their egos for the sake of improvement.

[@notthatvashti8127]

I really appreciated your last comment on "doing things for yourself." The videos you make; your thoughts on matters are all yours, and they should all be about your choices. When I make a comment on a channel I am very careful not to get caught up in how many people like or agree with what I'm saying, because I'm not speaking for them, I am offering my own opinion. You will always have people trying to judge and decide who you are and what's best for you, but in the end it's only about you and what you're comfortable with. Thanks for your insight!

[@josephdanmathis1876]

My Myers-Briggs was "mediator", don't think I was an infj but my closest friend and brother from another mother might be. I subbed because of your thoughtful candor and calming tone. Thanks my man ; )

[@dharmadharma3960]

If we hang onto our introverted intuition first, we might cause confrontations. Hmmmm....

[@JonasAnandaKristiansson]

Yes, and we might need that to be authentic and have a fulfilled life at large. Can't avoid confrontations (and other Se-stuff) all of our lives, even though it is uncomfortable getting used to, for a while. Namaste

[@dharmadharma3960]

@@JonasAnandaKristiansson it's just all starting to make sense, mechanically now. Yes, getting more comfortable with confrontation now that we're here at such a challenging time. Infj's have got to stick to their guns. They've done the work.

[@Goldenhour24]

I had been focused more on extroverted feeling until I recently had a major health event. Now, I’m focused more on me and getting better. Life is short.

[@jaimiehorton9669]

Thank you, that was very helpful. Runaway extroverted feeling has been the cause of all my problems and anxieties I think. I've just started trying to be aware of it and to stop it when I see myself doing it. It's a hard habit to break but your video reassured me I'm on the right path at least.

[@alisontunny9362]

People aren’t taught to debate these days. We’ve fallen into the polarity trap where a situation if either then”A” way or the bad “B” way. Because the art of debate has disappeared, people feel threatened when provided with an opportunity to discuss a situation.

[@kellyannemorris]

Wow, your introspective description nailed exactly how I work internally and externally. I’m shaking my head as if hearing from my twin and saying, yes you understand but you were able to verbalize the contradiction in a way that makes perfect sense! Thank you for going through the process and sharing with us INFJs. Also, I’m a Christian too and struggled with that same issue where everyone seemed to have left me for a period of time. I sat alone grieving but I do believe God needed me to refocus on Him so He could heal me properly without all the external voices. I pray your new path lights up before you with the inner peace of who you were created to be. Thank you!!

[@JesiWhyte]

Wow, this was needed Clay! Keep up the wonderful work. Tbh, I'm almost to tears as I face this challenge of the Achilles heel and I'm currently going through something similar where I questioned my sanity.

[@dharmadharma3960]

Me too! 😧💖

[@JesiWhyte]

@@dharmadharma3960 I hope it all works out for you dear 🤗

[@williamjannasch9266]

It pains me to see how so many people are blinded by having hate and resentment in their hearts that it will not allow them to see the beauty and wonders of life. Life is truly an amazing thing even losing pretty much everything i had, to living in my car. Losing my car .living on the streets being kick down, gaslighted, taking advantage of time after time .I still stand tall and keep on going loving life and there is beauty in everything if you just know how to see it... but I have been broken and sometimes that broken part of me starts to come out .and I am truly terrified of what I am capable of doing and things that I have dune in the past.but the more that I lurn and understand about being an INFJ and a broken empath and how to cope and recover the better my mental health and to better my life . I got a lot of determination and perseverance and I can achieve great things even with my disability.

[@debracottrill7989]

I understand about patterns and emotional wounding. I've had to learn not to engage, overreact or make it personal. I've learned that looking into another's soul can be uncomfortable for someone that isn't ready.

[@CynicalRealist8488]

I started watching your videos a few days ago and now I can’t stop but listen to you speak ..

[@mezidvemastromy5546]

Thank you, it always helps if I you hear someone telling you that you are not crazy, only different.

[@AriesJedi]

Female INFJ here. I recently had to call out a close male friend for not honoring me and I got hyperrage back. Our friendship meant a lot but I had a terrible childhoid- both parents abusive and narcissistic. I have 12 Aces trauma related CPTSD and I disassociate with alters. But God has sent me help and I know my worth. I have my own Rules and after the 10 commandments and Jesus' two, the next one is Be kind and that includes me. I am heartbroken but if I hadn't called him out I would have been enabling his behaviour. It's tough though. He even went on to threaten me to get me back. And it was on social media.

[@anand10ful]

Thanks Clay. This was an excellent video. I loved watching it and got to learn so many things from you. Yes, you must do these videos for yourself and express whatever you feel correct. No need to think what others will say. The best things will come out when we do it genuinely. Learning a lot from you. Thank you so much. -- (Fellow INFJ).

[@zimmerman5993]

Growing up as an INFJ, I've been struggled between living a life that someone else told me was right and a life I actually felt well. I sometimes even sacrifice my own feelings to live up to a life that others think is right. Thank you for this video! I will have less self-doubt.

[@FoxyGirlWonder]

My INTJ & INFP daughters wondered what Fe was like, so I told them that Fe is a bitch, and sometimes it makes you its bitch. I learned from them, the Fis, that Fe is a tool, I'm not Fe's tool. I always taught them that feelings are like a traffic signal/yield sign- slow down and think about the situation, why you're feeling that way and how to proceed.

[@airam-sj2172]

I was in a very dark place during the last year of this US "presidential" administration. As an INFJ we can read people just by observing their demeanor as you state. I couldn't comprehend how there were people justifying or denying his dangerous and abusive behavior. Since then I decided to stop obsessing with this matter. I can see myself evolving and becoming a healthy INFJ as I age....

[@iamalady461]

Clay, I needed this video right now. Thank you for bringing clarity to why I am struggling so much. I just distanced myself from a Christian faith where I was judged by most for leaving my abusive husband. I think INFJ's can go through tremendous growth when they face the thing they fear the most...being disliked in my case. It's all still rather disorienting but videos like this are helping me to get re-centered. Living an authentic life and strengthening my Ni, Ti and Se while putting Fe in its proper place, are my focus now. Thank you for making videos and sharing your deep and meaningful insights.

[@rawgosia]

Spot on. Thank you. I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts. ❤️

[@kelliepavlov252]

I am a fellow INFJ and love your videos and they have been super helpful to me! You take the words right out of my mouth on how INFJ's think and feel! Thank you for putting yourself out there and sharing your experiences!

[@duanejackson6718]

I agree, setting boundaries is key, and remember that your well-being is critical to your survival, don't sacrifice yourself for others, something that I've been trying out, when people ask for help rather than give them something of me like time or money, I will direct them to a source of information that will help them, for example when my brother asked to borrow money, I suggested that he followed Dave Ramsey's Financial well-being baby steps plan. Naturally this pissed him off, which I sort of enjoyed because he's a scammer, but if you think about it I did give him valuable advice and if he didn't want to take it then that's his problem, so in essence I did help, I advising him on a way that would fix his financial problems permanently, because giving money to somebody that's already bad with money is not a good idea. But at least this way we can fulfill our need to help somebody without sacrificing ourselves.

[@BlackMirrorDoll]

you are my older version of me, I am also INFJ. Very glad to find your channel on youtube

[@gailreece2843]

I think I’m a ifnj . Listening to you allowed me to feel better about myself. Thank you

[@LOVE_ALL_AROUND]

As an INFJ I experience the same being chill one one hand and intense on the other. I get it.

[@psychikesgefyres]

I've also quit news, I think it also contributed to a depression I did. When news are too big, I ended by knowing it with other people, as it used to be in the old times. And that's very fine. News is really different from deeper journalism, or reading essays.

[@khaledsalah990]

The combo with interoverted thinking is so amazing. It really is a high level of wisdom

[@franciscosanchez2971]

Introverted intuition feels like subconsciously calculating all the possibilities of an event occurring and considering the most likely conclusion based on pattern recognition

[@khaledsalah990]

You have the concept down and its good. Talking about points is very interactive.

[@pauladuncanadams1750]

You're a beautiful person who's been through the tumbler and came out more polished. Omedetou! Yes, I do care and I have a lot of respect for you too! You do you and if you do it well, people will stop and pay attention. That's how I wound up here. Keep up the good work...or not. Do what you need to do to be true to yourself wherever that leads. I wish you the best on your journey for self discovery and self improvement. Bon voyage.

[@kimslone5185]

The courage of our convictions -- the achilles heel has always been the desire for everyone's approval. It can't happen. We have to maintain our standards, and it's easy to get pulled apart by it. Thank you so much for this information. Congratulations on your arrival at this point on your path. You have my encouragement to do everything you need!

[@melchan88]

Hi Clay. I've just discovered your videos. Thank you for this! As a fellow INFJ, I feel like I can really relate to that struggle between introverted intuition and extroverted feeling. If I don't go with my intuition, I can very easily fall into the people pleasing trap of saying what I *think* they would prefer to hear. And it's almost always detrimental for my mental health. The moment I let go of those projected expectations, things become so much clearer and I can conduct a conversation in a calm and collected way, really engaging with the other person.

[@luluhatter3726]

I was meant to see this video today!!! I just want to tell you how thankful I am. I felt like I just watched a counseling session of myself and I saw all the difficult changes I have to make; including possibly cutting someone out of my life that I love but treats me like garbage (they want me to think I’m the crazy one). Thank you!

[@karlroger6481]

I don't watch the news or read newspapers. The world looks so much better when your are not constantly exposed to bad new. As the song say, "I have my books and my poetry to protect me."

[@CarmenHernandez-vy6rj]

God brought me to a point where even though I always have good will towards people, I spend less time trying to understand them and more accepting our differences. That will never change. You don't have to change either. You do evolve a d get better, stronger. Humans suffer internally regardless of what type they are. I actually am grateful to possess such characteristics. The world will make it a burden for you. There is peace and Abu dant joy coming your way. Things will get better with time. Through such frustrating experiences, you are building a solid internal core and one day you will find yourself living unapologetically, as part of God's diverse creation. You have so much goodness in you, my brother! Know that it is good, has a purpose, and is needed.

[@MeeCee5204]

As an infj, I do want people to feel good and be happy, but I have learned to let them tell me what makes them happy. I used to go all out doing things for people and then get upset when they didn't seem to appreciate it. Now I just do what I do and if they want more or if it's not good enough, they can tell me.

[@ross7495]

Yesss thank you for bringing this up. That's basically the hadest struggle of an INFJ, is that this people- pleasing aspect is almost instinctive. Because we can easily feel what others are feeling, we are easily bothered when we feel that lingering disappointment in others when we do something. And the worst part about it is that sometimes we don't really mind it if in the end they got their way because "as long as the others are happy then I'm also happy". That mindset was just so unhealthy and I'm glad that we are realizing this and learn that we cannot please everyone, and that it is okay to set boundaries and reject in order to preserve ourselves and our values.

[@oliviaharris5957]

Boundaries and healthy validation are KEY to being confident in your different-ness. Types like this are more easily manipulated or walked over than other types, which drove me crazy for a while. “Why can’t I just not care?!?!! Being empathetic is a curse!” It really is a gift to be stewarded though!! It’s a gift! Counseling was a massive breakthrough for me too and my level of confidence is so much stronger after just having my counselor validate the correct thinking in me, and help me establish practical boundaries without accepting an ounce of guilt for having decent self-protection. Now my empathy is a tool for ME to use generously, and not a weakness that other people can use against me to manipulate me for their own emotional needs. I actually feel much MORE connected to people now that realize I have the choice to give away my time, understanding, and empathy instead of feeling like people can come and take those from me whenever they “just need someone to listen.” I had a low self-esteem and found myself far more in self-protection mode than I do now. Sounds paradoxical, but feeling truly free from other people is the key to being generous with your gift! There was so much awesome advice in this video!! Thank you for sharing!

[@miss.asht0n]

Going through the current situation. And YES you are spot on this is my achilles' heel. My needs vs people pleasing. Just yesterday it resulted in me being very upset internally with the situation, then voicing it to my partner and trying to arrange it so I can enjoy my time off (little vacation that I have). Getting extremely anxious, actually having a panic attack --- worse than I've had in YEARS) then when he was going to tell the other person no, to get a hotel while they apartment search in the city.. But was asking me if that's what I wanted to do. I said yes but I felt like such an asshole (even though this person sprung this need of a place to stay last minute) -- I wanted some me time for my holiday... wanted to be able to just be without having anyone over. And anyway I ended up giving in and saying it's fine. Trying to push my introverted intuition and actual wants away. It really sucks! :( Now I'm sitting here with a headache literally from all the anxiety I had yesterday feeling like absolute garbage. I need to work on this, this situation is extremely stressful for me because it is a war inside of me! I am thinking this kind of thing is the cause of most of my anxiety. Normally I go visit my family -- It's a 7 hour drive but it is always very stressful and overwhelming -- I see so many family members in a very small amount of time and I become exhausted. So this year I decided I was going to take a week off for myself and just be. So in a way I am sort of getting there, but when the issues present themselves face on (like my partners family member asking to stay with us for a few days). I'm clearly not yet there. I tend to feel like A BAD PERSON. That's where my mind ALWAYS takes me. I am a bad person if I don't do this.

[@christawiederhold9210]

This was interesting forme what you said about putting boundaries and limitating news and politics. I stopped listening to the radio and reading papers last october, 4 months by now.I feel so good knowing nothing what is going on in polirics.I'm a lot in youtube and learning so much here.

[@swan9491]

This year I got to the point, like you, where I don't watch the news or subscribe to any news stations. I also REALLY cut back on Facebook and social media for the same reasons. I just found myself feeling so... Negative and almost guilty that I'm fine and all these bad things are happening and there's nothing I can really do to help. Getting rid of these sources also indirectly helped me connect to myself since I'm not worrying about all of these outside "issues"

[@omar71211]

Very insightful. Thanks for sharing. We INFJs will always absorb the emotions of others and this is an essential part of who we are. The best way I found for dealing with other people's negative emotions is an hour of solitude after a long day. An hour of positive meditation and reflection can replace all the negative energy with positive energy.

[@santbr]

I've always felt different and out of place in the world. People have called me weird and I believed there was something wrong with me, why was I this way. Yesterday I took the 16 personalities test and found out I'm an INFJ-A type and WOW 😲 Shocking to read all that about myself. It all makes sense now, I'm 34 yo and I finally feel liberated, found and understood. I'm not weird, I'm different, I'm rare, I'm special, God made me one of a kind. I've cried watching videos about this personality type and I feel happy now. I don't know if other people have felt this way but I love, admire, accept and welcome the real me now with peace and understanding. I spent too many years hating myself, I just want love now and I will proudly carry my title of an INFJ in my ❤️

[@Purple-js8bu]

It's amazing, to have someone to tell you that you are not crazy.. Thank you Clay, even as a non-native English speaker I really enjoy your videos, you helped me to understand things I was trying to figure out all my life. I'm a 21 yo computer science student, when it comes to work or studies, it's very hard for me to accept my teacher or superior negative comments, they always make me feel like I am asking the wrong questions, that have no sense or that are just too obvious for everyone, it's hard for me to take it in a professional way; in fact, I take it too personally and I even think about giving up and finding something different because I feel that what I am doing is not good or enough when I don't get enough appreciation. Sometimes I think that I have to find another specialty even if I didn't graduate yet. I feel that others can feel or just know how much my self-confidence is low and use it.. so as an example: whenever they tell me that my work is not good I double the effort to work more. And sometimes, when I help people for too much I start feeling that they are just using me cause they have noticed that I am a people pleaser.. so I just avoid them. Please, how can we be confident and work on our self-esteem and self-worth ? and can you please talk more about the INFJ's in the computer field. p.s : sorry for the bad english.

[@thejiddy]

Hey! I also took computer science when doing my diploma 😁. During that time I realized that I enjoy teaching my friends. They considered me as "smart" so they ask me to tutor them, which I gladly accepted. And yeah, I really enjoy teaching them, I mean, the look on their faces when they "got it" gives me such joy. Now, I'm a kindergarten teacher. So, yeah. You gotta find something in your life that you can make peace with yourself and also beneficial to other people. To me this is my win-win, balance way to be a healthy infj.

[@Purple-js8bu]

@@thejiddy Thank you for sharing your experience, indeed I do enjoy teaching others too but I just find myself lost when school is over and it's summer (like now) . I think that we can't deny that programming and solving problems makes us feel good in another way too but it's like not enough when we can't interact with people at all.

[@FionaMV]

No bad English found!

[@samanthacruz2750]

We do care. I'm glad you share your thoughts, I can relate to them. Many psychologists and experts don't take MBTI so serious, and I do understand their points. Anyway, I still think is useful. I usually relate with the few INFJ I know (on the internet).

[@papayab2733]

The fine line between doing what you crave vs knowing how to add value to the world... how to figure this out?? what to prioritise or design, feels like searching for the ultimate meaning in life... Really enjoyed this vid. (Lighting on the eyes looks amazing)

[@kristianjensen5877]

Optimally we should figure out a way of combining what we crave with adding value to the world. :) If you're an INFJ I think a good place to start is asking the question "What do I do, which makes other people happy, that also makes me happy?".

[@papayab2733]

@@kristianjensen5877 i dont know if im infj, but that sounds like great advice, to prioritise happiness. some other priorities might be growth, human capabilities, technological advancement, health/longevity.. i question what makes someone so driven for industrial or ecomonic success (which adds value).. is it happiness? Above all it does seems that happiness/lack of suffering determines our quality of life most fundamentally. Without it growth can halt, relationships disintegrate etc.

[@kristianjensen5877]

​@@papayab2733 If you take someone like Elon Musk as an example, he's fascinated by tech and what it can do for people. He finds his happiness in pursuing this dynamic regardless of economic outcome - his economic success is just a side effect of his passion for creating interesting things and other people want them because they also find them interesting. Other people might find meaning and feel they add value by going to work and raising a family. So it's pretty much different strokes for different folks. =)

[@eugeneberezkin3471]

It is so true, I end up with anxiety disorder after having two years relationship with narcissist, it was such struggle to prioritise my own needs even though by not doing so I felt like damaging myself

[@ToluFunnel]

You're very correct with the judging aspect

[@Ubaidumair]

You are a True blue INFJ .. I can almost relate to every word you said.. You have certainly made an impact on me..

[@marionalopezcorominas3930]

I love your kindness and respect in how your project who you are transparently, that's absolutely wonderful. Thank you so much for sharing!

[@SirenASMR_]

I am so tired of narcissistic people. My entire family tries to take advantage. It’s so horrible to be around that and having my personality type. I was happier away from them .

[@kathyhills6860]

Your videos are so thoughtful and informative. Thank you!!! You are smart enough and Hella Hot enough (just a fact) that you could easily be a celebrity in the KZbin-verse. Even though I am sure you could figure out how to navigate that celebrity, I have a feeling you would not enjoy it. Keep researching, keep thinking, and keep posting.

[@pamelakeller1693]

All my life I felt I didn't fit in. Someone once told me I was a "rescuer" and always trying to save another. I am 71 now and feel like I am going crazy. Want to leave the man who I am with but he now has cancer and we have been feeding 19 cats. No place to move and he is a narcissist. I spend most of my time in the office where I can be quiet and without drama. He told me yesterday that I am bipolar. He drives me crazy. I am glad I am not alone. Thanks for your videos.

[@pugninja7037]

I can so relate to the you're doing this wrong and you then analyse and debate.. Very much " do I do what I feel or what makes others happy" I'm getting more whats right for the authentic me.. Entp

[@JL-rq8cd]

I thought I was the only one who has said a few times in my life "I'm not crazy, I just feel it but I can't give you an example!" Hearing this is so comforting and assuring

[@megan2176]

Love what you said about not being liked. At 42, I've sort of trained myself to believe most people don't like me, or at least don't understand me, and that brings a bit of peace, oddly. I'm just me, and I've (almost) stopped trying to make people understand me. Take me or leave me, I'm weird! Haha! :)

[@randomgirl8078]

I’m 52. I’ve stopped trying to make friends. I’m a woman and the other women always start out liking me then end up hating me when they get to know me. I’ve just accepted it as too much oversharing. I am done trying. I politely doorslammed the world and I am at peace. Finally.

[@megan2176]

​@@randomgirl8078 Yes! I tend to overshare too... it's like I want to connect so badly on a personal level, I end up going too far, sharing too much, and freaking people out. I'm not good at "surface" sharing, polite chitchat, etc., so I go deep too quickly and maybe seem needy. I think as we get older though, we know ourselves better, and realize we don't need tons of friends. Being at peace with ourselves is most important, and I actually enjoy my company! A cup of tea and KZbin karaoke, and I'm a hoot! ;)

[@randomgirl8078]

@@megan2176 I was worried when i saw someone replied. I figured you were going to tell me to grow up and how stupid i am. I intended to erase my comment. Thanks so much for understanding and sending such an honest reply. I'm right there with you. Do you wonder if we are just too honest all the time and are respectful enough to hear others perspectives and circumstances? But other people get mad when they realize you have viewpoints different from theirs, or if you have problems that they would solve differently. So i just stick to those subjects that are 'safe' and leave enough pretense for them to make palatable assumptions about me. The door stays shut even though there is a fake welcome mat. Or maybe we spend so much time in our own heads that we overcompensate proving how 'good' we can communicate. If you research the enneagram 5 (especially 5w6) you will see that this type has to fake social cues, but it can be done. just an idea.

[@megan2176]

@@randomgirl8078 Of course! And I know what you mean - I've done that before, been really open in a comment and felt really good as I was typing, but then once I post the comment, I regret it and delete it! It's a bit therapeutic though, typing away, sharing feelings that you wouldn't share in real life. And even if you delete it, it still felt good to explore those thoughts and feelings, if that makes sense! I trust channels like this though, with like minded people, I think we're safe to share here. :)

[@megan2176]

@@randomgirl8078 Sorry, I didn't see this full comment! Haha, yes the fake welcome mat, I like that! I use that all the time at work - it's pretty hard to fully door slam coworkers who you have to see everyday, so those "faking" skills are essential for a happy workday. Yes, I definitely spend too much time in my head. I saw something funny on Pinterest that said something about INFJs getting overly emotional about fake or imagined conversations or situations we make up in our heads! That's totally me, those endless "what I should have said" thoughts. I've only read a bit about the enneagram profiles, but it's definitely something I'd like to explore more deeply.

[@a.whychild6591]

The best formatted question/explanation I've heard of being a Walking Contradiction..."How can you value your own path deeply while also being obsessed with the experience and needs and wants of others?"

[@makedathurston4691]

you have such a beautiful mind, and I greatly appreciate you taking the time to verbalise your internal thoughts and processes. This is incredibly relatable and it feels good to know that I'm not alone in this thinking.

[@mariamkinen8036]

I have lived ~ 2/3rd's to know n beat all of my struggles. May the Lord bless me n keep me n my child. May the Lord make His face to shine upon us . N be gracious to us . May the Lord lift up his countenance upon us . N give me , my child n her family Peace. I thank you Lord for having been there for us . Pls continue doing so. Amen.

[@vanessameyer1506]

As an ESTP with FE and NI, I can completely relate to over analytical mode when being judged. 99% of the time I could care less, but if it is someone that matters, it throws me into this insecure, over thinking, loss of confidence shell of myself. That person no longer recognizes me and the person that they fell in love with (friend or partner) disappears. It is destructive to the relationship. I am so grateful to now see it clearly and am actively working on fighting the negative self talk and retaining the happy, fun, confident, easy to love me.