Are INFJs Intense?

In this video, I discus INFJ intensity. Do other people consider you intense as an INFJ?
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[@AufDeutsch]

It's frustrating when people's words don't match their actions. I really felt that!

[@martylynes328]

YES!

[@melancholiusmonkey-mann5749]

I find it frustrating as well... But I can't really get upset since in those instances I was eavesdropping

[@thesurfacewater]

Yes!!!

[@ShinobiShowdown]

That is why people suck to the INFJs people are completely contradictory.

[@silentgrove7670]

It is because we are highly aware of authenticity and when it is not aligning. When I watch politicians for a few minutes I feel upset due to this.

[@angeandwords]

When I need some INFJ conversation I go to Clay's channel. Even though I am not talking , I am always happy to watch these 30 min videos😌

[@cindyc]

Bouncing Clay's ideas off of your own. Internal conversations...

[@elijahisiah9821]

That's what I am doing now. 😂😂😂

[@joshthegringo]

I've always thought that the INFJ is a sort of "human engineer".

[@jessenceq3250]

People mechanic is what I thought. Human engineer is also interesting.

[@theresefournier3269]

Human millwright!

[@livinplakkandavis6223]

@@jessenceq3250 And maybe thts y i did major in mechanical engineering and a distant degree in psychology

[@rachellerockel]

“Most people don’t need closure” / so true and is often a point of frustration for me. For INFJs we are closure oriented and also rarer so that may help explain why our approach isn’t shared by most.

[@AugustAdvice]

As an INFJ, looking back on my childhood photos my face was always so intense! I was the most intense looking kid in the room lmao

[@SequoiaINFJ]

I've always had this issue in my relationships too, and I've come to believe for various reasons some people have an irrational fear of getting to the bottom of something. For one because they're afraid of the truth they'll find-as if it's a dead body at the bottom of a well. Because then they are responsible for it, what they've learned, which is something we INFJs tend to embrace because it gives us more data, and we don't mind staying at the bottom of the well a while, sifting through it. (Whoops... wasn't trying to be macabre here) What they find there may challenge their perceptions on something they intensely cherish, like their life's work, philosophy or even just their comfort.

[@saultube44]

Very, to put it mildly, IMO; we don't express much, but when we do is like a high power laser, generally is hard to stop and will do some damage at least, like a high powered laser, it can be perfected and domesticated it, but is a everyday exercise, as I see myself at least

[@maryjane2965]

Very good explanation. I think I really need to start Journaling to find an outlet. Because I actually regret going on rants a lot of times. But I also can't stop it sometimes.

[@saultube44]

@@maryjane2965 Thanks 😊 yeah we need to listen more and have shorter concise comments at times

[@Anth369]

Absolutely. I can take people down with my words. But have learnt to scale it back as it’s too powerful.

[@saultube44]

@@Anth369 Exactly, and is good to learn to retreat with grace from useless conversations

[@NafAmer]

true!

[@pennyqte]

it's so nice to have Clay relate to me in so many aspects. I have all problems he mentioned in this video.Unfortunately, most people INFJs meet don't have enough depth and we are easily misunderstood and it's hard for us to make friends. We are also so kind and considerate to others that people do want to approach us but we often feel drained.

[@thejoycatcher8189]

I hear ya! You said it well and I appreciate it! It’s hard for me to put into words at times. I’m 47 and have been told I’m more serious these days. But it’s not that I’m still that person, it’s more that I used to mask things with humor and only opened up to certain people. Now I just try harder to be genuine and if others don’t value who I am I can tell. I can make some feel uncomfortable because I can see through people. But they don’t understand I’m not trying to be harsh I just can’t turn a blind eye and pretend any longer. I have less really close friends but I like people! I just know who to give time to and trust more these days. The ones I have close are amazing! I value who they are more these days. It’s not what they have but who they are. Sorry this is so long! I just appreciate that someone takes the time and shares and can relate to me! 👌🏻👍🏻😄

[@miashappee]

You said quite a few things that resonated with me. I too struggle with the narcissistic personality and people act as though I overthink everything. I feel like screaming out “can’t you see it?” but they haven’t a clue. This isn’t limited to manipulative people, there are cultural trends, social media trends, the way things work (or should work), reasoning, reflection, communication, social status, politics, etc. At times I feel like I am alone (which is okay with me) but when there is no understanding in your closer relationships, it can be frustrating. Thanks for the help…your insight, and the way you communicate is healing and I believe you are serving a great purpose on this platform.

[@jillmarieweingarten3048]

You are publicly telling the story of my life. Thank you for the amazing content. I am an "older" INFJ👽

[@JaneDutohlav]

Wow. I know I'm not the only one that is saying that, but I am so amazed to hear your thoughts and find such similarity to mine, it even sends shivers down my spine! There comes your words, in public, yet I am so scared or ashamed to admit those to other people and to myself. Thank you for voicing them out. It is perhaps a little bit depressing, but encouraging on the other hand too. There were so many times, I wanted to confront someone with my questions, but I mostly manage to stop myself.... however I feel how its bubbling within me! I also often feel, that once I've gathered enough data, and analyzed the person - and especially if that person is very down to earth and his concerns lies with stupid/boring [in my opinion] stuff - I find myself almost forsaking this poor person. And If Im forced to spend a lot of time with them [family/roommate/that overly friendly small group tourist guide that wont stop commenting on your every nonconformous behaviour], I get super annoyed. Almost to the point, that I start ignoring them.... Sometimes I can feel very guillty about it. And I'm not sure if that's just me, or if there is a possible pattern of feelings too within other people. Anyway, thank you for reading whoever read it till here ^^ and have a wonderful day!

[@susmateja]

I'm the same! 😊

[@lancelotdufrane]

Man, I’ve missed hearing my own thoughts, out loud! Thanks my friend. I am older than you are, and I can say, seeing, calling out, and speaking of, Narcissistic behaviors, has become so automatic….it must get stronger with time.

[@BindingTheYoke]

I've learned it's very rare to find someone that can let me be just me, instead of who they need me to be, and out of consideration for them I will moderate my interaction with what they can handle because I know I'm really intense in relationships, irregardless of the intimacy expectations be it in love or friendship. And quite frankly I understand that a lot of people are just not able to dive deep.. but also not everyone deserves to go there with me. 😚 ..its all about knowing where you wanna build and how far.

[@anewchapter1336]

I completely relate to all you described. It's so refreshing to feel understood about my perceived intensity. My whole life my mom and others have told me I need to chill and that I "think too far ahead". I always felt insulted and hurt by this, but I don't let it affect me anymore when people tell me this.

[@TMrunders]

i'm INTJ and i have INFJ friend and thats why i appreciate this person, she is sharp and direct. when i talk to heri feel (yeah intj feeling;.) the conversation is straight to the point unlike many ppl in general (because you are goal oriented you don't turn around and around things, it's a sharp yes or no) And, i love to not waste my time with "read between the lines... so borring) INFJ don't write important informations between lines.

[@raejeanalcala476]

This is so spot on, I deal with these same issues. I think also us INFJs are very self aware and I’m noticing that people can only really communicate to their level of self awareness if that make sense. I feel like we see problems or connections that are imperceptible to others which may cause people to think differently for a moment making them uncomfortable. Also Jacob Nordby Is an INFJ and he has some great books that are inspiring and relatable if your feeling spontaneous check them out.

[@micheleries5323]

Really interesting video! Thank you for doing these. I suspect one reason people can be reactive to very on-point queries (even those coming from a spirit of caring and interested curiosity) is that the queries trigger shame in the other person. I agree that without exploration of these issues, there really can’t be intimacy in relationship. In understanding shame, I think it’s useful to delve into info on attachment style/wounds.

[@haniwa6988]

Thank you so much for this video. Your videos are literally a therapy. Also that's okay to take a break for now and then till you feel energized or inspired. We're INFJs too and we do understand this. So it's all good.😊

[@TheDedexys]

This is art to me

[@CindaLeAnn4]

Thank you for another great post. As you well know, being an INFJ is very alienating in many ways. It’s always nice to hear confirmation that I’m not the only one who thinks the way I do. 😊 You may have already spoken to this in a previous video I haven’t seen yet, but I’m curious if other INFJ’s used to/still struggle with seeing friends and family they love “settle”. Whether it be in a relationship or a job, I used to be very bothered when I felt that people I loved were settling for anything less than they deserved. I’ve spent many years self reflecting on why I was so bothered by it (of course), but it would be great to hear another INFJ’s reflection on the same topic.

[@-jamie-9896]

It can be devastating to have this pattern recognition that seems as easily observable as the sky, but people will look at you like you’ve got ten heads when you speak. “I like to hear people admit things.” So satisfying to hear another say that. *I should wait to comment before I finish the video, You end up saying everything I’m thinking.

[@jcdaily1960]

Oh my word, I love listening to you be real about who you are. It resonates so much inside my soul. I want to thank you for letting us know your thoughts and this makes (me) feel like I have been understood. I have been listening to people who never listen back. That hurts. Listening to you talk feels like I someone is listening. Odd but true.....

[@sylvie8021]

I'm pretty young but I've had too many situations where I've been told to stop interrogating, sometimes it's hurtful most times it's comical cause it starts off as these people acting like they appreciate my tendency to dig deep into things like that then I guess they get tired of it and then it's "too much". I've had a lot of circumstances where I've been manipulated and I still don't think that I know what to do about it. I've only just learnt to identify the manipulation faster. Also I have a very close intj friend who's systems oriented and all that, we share in that. It's pretty interesting watching him watch me get into trying to understand people and even more interesting that he seems to try to do that as well. Anyway, your channel is a good one, I like listening to you talk about things as you do.

[@petraondrackova4318]

Thank you for the great video! :) I often worry about how intense I can be in my head, and if I don't have a filter applied, I can be outwardly intense. I have felt all my life that I care a lot about my values, the essence of which doesn't change, and that I also value people very much for their efforts, and try to encourage them in everything they love and are good at. Unfortunately, I feel that I often encounter a lack of understanding, that people don't understand that this is really my nature. The older I get the more I can live with that. I am learning every day to have less demands on myself and others. Not everyone is comfortable with my intense efforts to make them happier. People often want to stay where they are. They don't see the goal in the distance. I don't get it, but that's my problem. :) And even though it makes me uncomfortable and I see their talents and all the beautiful things that are in them, I have to respect that. :) Sorry for my English, I hope you can understand what I wanted to say. :)

[@taylaj.wilson9014]

Glad to have you back! Your videos are always thought provoking and I definitely find myself relating to what you say

[@LouisaWatt]

The frustration I’ve always had is being able to see through the games people are playing and neither wanting to play those games nor have my intelligence insulted by the continued lie that they’re not doing exactly what you both know they’re doing. 😐 People immediately lose my respect when I give them the opportunity to come clean and they refuse to approach me with honesty. If they had the guts to drop the act, I’d easily let it go and be friends with them, but when they don’t, I have no time for it.

[@Anni_12349]

Everything is truly about me in this video. It was so comforting to listen to it.

[@melissa.simplystatedcoaching]

I think you’re dead on point about people not being able to answer why they believe or act in a way. They do it because it’s the “norm.” I’ve learned that asking questions to one of these types is perceived as an attack because when they do that with someone it is usually an attack or a debate, a competition with the mindset that there’s a right and wrong. Black and white thinking and the goal is to be right even if it means destroying the relationships with those around them. I end up avoiding people like this because the only way to have harmony is to be a doormat… that then leads to a door slam. It’s not even worth entertaining a connection with these types. No growth, no give and take. Just ends up insufferable.

[@bradlandonwalters]

Hey Clay, the deep discussion was much appreciated. I'm in INTJ and can certainly relate to your thoughts during this video. Great substance.

[@Mr.Phoreskin]

All of your content is relatable to me. In a scary way. I’ve felt so misunderstood until now.

[@macoeur1122]

one more comment on THIS video... I have found that MOST people are not 100% honest with themselves, hence the discomfort when we're trying to get to the "inner workings" of their perceptions and beliefs. We all have blind spots and are fragmented in ways that mean we are "inconsistent" in ways we're not even aware of. I hope this isn't "manipulation" (because I'm not a fan of it myself), but I've learned to get my answers in a more "round about way"....and to accept that 9 times out of 10 I'm not going to be able to truly "pin any particular thing down" in one clean and concise "answer"...but rather, over time....relating to a person in a more casual and, frankly, gentler way, I'll begin to just "see" (in something like an "intuitive gestalt") what's going on without ever making them feel like I'm interrogating them. As INFJs, I think we're constantly gathering information and we soooo WANT to see and understand the whole picture...but because our way of doing this is predominantly with our Ni, I think it means we HAVE to gather mountains of "data" (via experience).....far more data than it would be reasonable to expect people to hand over to us directly.... From my own personal experience, they don't have the patience OR the self awareness, nor can they see any personal benefit in investing that much time....and yes...our need to understand "systems" can be overwhelming to most other types. I've gone "covert"! ...and not in a rude, boundary breaking way...If anything I would say it's kinder...and it's a lot easier on everyone, myself included.

[@Bowserkitty]

I am intense. I don't know how to move forward without confronting and dominating the truth. Its a aggressive road to change I always take. I can't let things go, or leave it in the past. I need to tackle things. From the side. And I suffocate it until it moves into a new state of being. Then I can change. I don't change through time. I change through pursuit and doing. Like a cheetah or leopard. Made me realize how beautiful the process (even in it's violence) really was. Its a gift from god. I pursue change violently and when I'm depressed I rest. But I get back up again to fight more. That's beautiful. Its beautiful and turbulent.

[@colleengloe9121]

I just started watching this and you definitely are explaining what I have been feeling. So Thanks 😊

[@gatlindarling]

You hit a mantra for me. Before I can have deep discussion we need to define some terms

[@ramireza6026]

I’ve been feeling this way lately a lot. I would be having a regular conversation with someone and they would abruptly start accusing me of being intense. I would cry and think about what was wrong with me. I didn’t have wrong intentions. I knew I was an infj but now that I watched this video I understand what’s going on. I’m just a really deep intense person and don’t want shallow relationships. Only real ones.

[@bernadinefisher2243]

Clay, you articulate my heart so well. Thank you for your transparency and boldness. It’s so refreshing and inspiring. With thanks from Cape Town, South Africa.

[@shoopshoop2399]

Not "intense" which seems to suggest manic. I've been called intimidating and I've been told that when I look at someone they feel as if I can see their souls and that makes them feel very uncomfortable. I can't see their souls, but I can see they have secrets (we all do) and I can watch to see if I can suss those out.

[@christinelikeschrysanthemums]

Clay, very well explained! I laughed a bit within the first few minutes though, because myself being INFJ, was fully engaged and resonating. Instantly realized a large chunk of viewers will already be tired (lol!) and think things like, "Who has time for this dissecting?"....or ...."this person must be crazy" (no, INFJs are just specific!).... or ..... "No wonder so many INFJs are single." (haha!).... or... they might feel fondness for INFJ, but are certainly lost in this complicated construction of concepts, categories and dot connecting. Many people do not realize we are introverts - we really are. Being misunderstood so often must factor in this.

[@abetteryou4228]

This was an amazing video As a Infj i always find hard to explain things to other people because they arent able to understand things like i do and they protect themself by using bad words against it people like small talk because it is easy for them and to live in reality cus brain is disgned to avoid pain like we would have a hard time being present low Se You are a amazing person and u can decide what will stay into your life and not I really love to help people and when Ti gets stronger it helps us very much with feelings to because we understand that majority arent able to build up systems they just enjoy life Have a good day :D

[@esraahmed3622]

Thank you for posting again, you truely help me understand my self better!

[@shubikl9826]

oh dear lord, that's spot on. I feel you, so very much on this one...............

[@MaryVanRooy]

The kitty 🤩🤩🤩🤩😍🐈 I am enjoying these videos.. very comforting and enjoyable to listen to you! So articulate. Thanks for making these!

[@re4918]

Does anyone else sometimes have a strong Ni hunch about things not fitting quite right, and then after a while, the last piece of the puzzle just adds all the clarity in the world, but by then you’ve been harboring this “something’s not right” feeling for long enough, that almost anything you do or say to resolve the issue comes out very intense?

[@MyWits_End]

Great reflections, Clay. I don't think we like to think of ourselves as being manipulative because authenticity is such an important value to us, but by way of our very intense and inquisitive nature and our deep human desire to make connections and understand people at that real fundamental level, we most certainly are manipulative! Just the fact that we 'filter' ourselves ( 4:06 ) - whether there is any malicious intent or not - is manipulative.. It is a means of 'managing' people and ultimately, of controlling them. I hate to think about it because there is absolutely no mal-intent behind it, nevertheless, it is what it is. I hope you don't take offense at me pointing this out, but early in this video, you yourself demonstrate an excellent example of how you do indeed manipulate others, in your need for clarity and/or solutions to perceived problems: ( 12:00 ). I don't mean for this to be a kind of 'gotcha' moment. I can truly relate to what you're saying here, but the way I see it, the fact that we already have a pretty solid idea - if not complete, albeit intuitive, certainty - that someone is feeling a certain way, we will 'use' this 'knowledge' as a means to work/tease out/manipulate that person, via an intricate form of psychological and linguistic communication, into producing a satisfactory (in our view) answer. It's absolutely an interrogation, as you say. Anyway, that's just my two cents! Your video inspired many (understatement) other - madly percolating - thoughts for me, but I think I've already rambled enough - especially considering this video is already 11 months old 😂 Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Clay. Take care x

[@khadraLuula]

Thank you so much Clay. I really enjoy your videos . I was really curious about the intensity too. I was lucky enough to meet another Infj or Infp who was really intense and used some of your method to get to the bottom of things. It's hard to explain the feeling unless you experience it yourself but it really made me want to push them or run away and I did both. I had my walls up at that time and intimacy was frightening. They really made me reflect on my past relationships were I believe I was too intense and people went hiding , I didn't know it felt this way. Even though I never said much out loud , I believe the people in my live they can sense my laser focus on them , they can sense my constant analyzing , my obsession with them. Maybe we think of it as an expression of interest or love but others don't feel the same way . Unless the intimacy is deep it's so uncomfortable and feels like an attack which bring people's walls up. I think we need to be gentle and understand that not everyone can do it , and not all the time. We need to use our gifts to figure out where others are and then plan on what they're comfortable with . It doesn't mean that we need to settle for shallow relationships but it means we need to be patient to build that level of intimacy. Some people just need more time , that's all, if we direct our intensity elsewhere like a career or a job or our life they might come to us when they're ready , I experienced that and it was beautiful experience . Some will never come , and it's okay. We just have to grieve what could've being but will never be . Move on or accept it as it is. Am saying let's be who we are but also let's be gentle , patient , and more importantly understanding . We can get there by processing our grieve or sadness , acknowledging our feelings and being gentle with ourselves.

[@CJ-gp9cn]

Great video. I’m an infj and I’ve recently started dated a man who I suspect is also an infj. He is intense haha, but then I realise he makes me intense too haha. There is a lot of ease between s because we can communicate smoothly with one another, but at the same time it so easily goes very deep and intense very quickly. I’m trying to set some healthy boundaries so we don’t just scare ourselves and each other out of something potential special. I think there’s something to be said about Infjs needing to respect healthy boundaries, both our own and others.

[@O_U_No_It_2]

😳 OMG, seriously?! Like, huh? What exactly is happening here? Where have you been all my life? I'm checking off so many salient and personally significant boxes to the way I see the world and how I navigate this interminable "gaurdian" world we currently inhabit. From the first few moments of your eloquent discussions of personality traits, I was hooked! But, for me, it's your uniquely graceful and gentle guidance of stylized deep thoughts on a range of subjects that are truly capturing my complete attention. Bring on the glutinous binging of your channel for more mindblow, lol🤟

[@israahanafi4604]

I love your INFJ topics, kinda help me more to understand myself and how others might perceive me

[@BlazinGunz4Fun]

Another thing I noticed is that I won't give advice or my opinion on something if I haven't fully done my research or have enough data for it. That's when I encounter the "hurry and get to the point" types. Funny thing is, when I am straight to the point and have synthesized my gatherings then it's "you speak so matter of fact" or your speaking like you KNOW. I wouldn't engage the topic if I didn't and if I don't know enough I'll disclose that from the beginning.

[@michellem775]

I think even my excitement about a certain topic can seem intense. I don’t quite get it though because I can’t wrap my head about why someone wouldn’t be curious about certain topics. Like the universe or the meaning of life, art, music, etc.

[@scruffyy]

we put qualities in people they have no bussiness having

[@UnexpectedAmy]

This is the issue, people ONLY want to chill and avoid, and I can't always and only meet them on their level. To be honest, I need to know if people are able to go deep before I'm going to enjoy being casual with them.

[@cavemanrob]

It's irritating when someone tries to get me to "dial it back". They have no idea how many years I wasted in my youth, dialing it back. I'm short on time. If I don't pour it on now, when then?

[@O_U_No_It_2]

Clay, as soon as you said that you had difficulty with 'small talk,' I literally burst out saying, "that's me!" Truly enjoying learning life lessons from you.

[@shinoyashino7995]

I was nihilistic to a state that I wanted myself to never exist. Ni drives me crazy but as I grew older like you said, Ti developed well. I can explain this kind of abstract concepts in a more logical way and showed people.

[@briangreen8033]

I decided to explore my shadow, and the societal shadow that preceded historical atrocities, in a genuinely deep manner, only to later begin to grasp the sheer horror of human nature. As I began to construct an in-depth analysis, using the various works of great minds of days past, I typically found attempting to have an honest conversation with someone about it futile. I can understand the fear of others to delve into such subject matter. But I would've been able to explain my concerns about the patterns of today's society, backed up by millennia of forethought by others before me, and eventually balance it out with an argument towards the positive. However, nobody had the will to endure the darkness in order to attain a greater enlightenment. Even with a guide. I decided to incorporate it into my current novel. Sorry for rambling. I am just trying to let you know that I can relate. Thank you for taking the time to read my comment. Take care and God bless.

[@devonlovemusic]

Dot connector???? I've never heard it like that!!!! Well most people don't want to live in the truth & rely on small talk to get by because they don't have anything else. An INFJ pursues all truths no matter what

[@Elletorryshred]

This is so so spot on!! Finally after finding out I’m an INFJ everything makes perfect sense now as to who and why I am as I am. This discovery gave me such a huge amount of peace and has also opened up new conversations with friends. Thanks for posting such wonderful content!

[@marshalljackson3461]

Intensities allow blander and preferable truth for me as a Capi INFJ.

[@shynicorn3193]

People like to avoid but it will eventually make their world implode

[@ShizuruNakatsu]

I don't see the point of shallow relationships. If soembody is just a casual acquaintance who is only there for the good times, and only wants to hang out and have fun, without ever making a deep and meaningless connection at the emotional and spiritual level... Then to me, that person will never be what I call a friend.

[@antons7210]

I have always been sort of afraid of being too intense. Just because so many people don't like it. So I definitely do filter myself around most people. And honestly? It's tragic. But I guess that's just the life of an INFJ. Not much we can do about it after all. Other than finding the right people to spend time with of course

[@matthewmcree1992]

Why do people think we're intense? We ARE intense, or at least a lot of the time. I constantly get wrapped up in whatever theories I find interesting. Yesterday, for example, I was at work and I kept thinking about the Marxist 2nd International Theory of Monopoly Capital and how it applies to the present-day US, and as I was so lost in thought my work partner asked me "is everything okay", and I guess it could appear as if something was wrong even if nothing was. That habit of getting lost in thought is part of why we are perceived as "intense people".

[@sunnieA]

yup yup I don't like assuming and would like clarity from ppl but a lot of the time they don't like to say it due to pride 😭 so I just gotta leave it open ended

[@danielbast352]

Stoned conversations. It’s how you get someone else to grasp concepts and cross boundaries in thinking that are normal thinking for me.

[@jacquelynjeanne9536]

OMG! Yes, exactly. Thanks

[@bradykirk9932]

Them: "Let's exchange platitudes and have routine conversations. They are comforting and provide stability." Me: "You build yourself on a lie of stability, padded by the lies of others. Your shared delusion will be collapsed. When you ask "why me?" ...know that you have done it to yourself." Them: "Dude, wtf? I just asked how your weekend was?" Me: "Only because you seek reassurance of the predictability of your surroundings. You don"t actually care about me. That's why I'm not telling you." Them: "ok..." Me: "I also refuse to tell you because I don't trust you. You should stop stealing from the office." Them: "How do you know that?" Me: "I didn't until now. It's simply statistically likely. You however, have just confirmed it." Others fear intense attention because they know they're a patchwork of self-deception.

[@samiizzat4442]

I think I’m an INFJ but when I was teenager I was really in love with maths (abstract ) (and physics) and I was really good in explaining things to my friends or classmates … Many circumstances now let me be more interested in spirituality and psychology… I was religious because raised to be so , I quit religion 2 years ago but I am driven to think about spirituality and debates about religion and beliefs… is it compatible with being infj?

[@tobinjordan8533]

Yes to all of this. I relate

[@Elle_55]

I'm an Italian INFJ...SO YEAH

[@wisdomjamin5297]

I don't think I'm an INFJ but I do find small talks pointless. I just go along with it cause I don't want to be rude

[@AvitalR88]

Ive uswd to being called intense too but im not infj quite

[@shynicorn3193]

You can lead a horse to water....

[@Thinkingofthesparrow]

I'm an infj-a my name is Clayton Turner lol can't be a coincidence.

[@mills7777]

intense? YES. INFJ ;)

[@GurpreetSingh-vs4kg]

you know more about me than me.

[@rhondahoward8800]

I am 100% INFJ...

[@claramercier7924]

Hi! Can anyone give an example of actions not matching with words? Thank you. :) (I'm an infp looking for self awareness)

[@annei3772]

Asking too many questions is too intimidating for people. Trust your instinct to read between the lines. With very well formulated questions you will be able to sniff out most stuff you need to know. Maybe not the finest nitty gritty details, but you are not a detective. Trust your observations becomes on a spiritual level you can clearly sense that something huge is off. Just recognize the red flags- it's not always healthy for you to try and solve every issue with dark souls or narcissistic types. Do more research on NPD, because INFJs are super empaths, and we attract them like moths to your light. Don't bother to get to the bottom of their problems- Maybe not the right approach. INFJs are not meant to be the life savers and life changers for those troubled souls. Yes it's a huge challenge and you automatically feel attracted to help this poor soul see the light and you be the person who will be the rescuer, but believe me: Save yourself the trouble. Stay clear of users. The more you investigate, the denser the muddy waters become. You will just drain yourself on negative souls that will never be able to love and be reciprocate. Dark wounded weirdos can look interesting but are they wholesome to your sensitive soul and mind? Dark is not equal to deep. We want to meet and mix with people of depth. And real integrity. Those that react like the antipode of a magnet.. let them go! Watch DrRamani, LesCarter and others.

[@luiseszi]

Kkkk 😁 we have a lot in common.. (INFP-T)

[@Memeparable]

God, I wish things weren't the way you are saying. Commenting at 8:16

[@joshthegringo]

Never been called intense, but commonly find out after-the-fact that people are "intimidated by me".

[@sundial6919]

😅they call me 'strong'🤣😅 but i dont think so

[@futuristicvibes2643]

Same here… I still find it quite strange. No matter how friendly and calm natured I am with folks, many times I get the feeling that they feel threatened in my presence. Weird 🤷🏽‍♀️

[@wienzard93]

i've had enough ppl tell me they can't stand my stare though. some ppl i know also admitted that they're intimidated by me before they really talk to me. even ones that i really respect also said the same thing. the reasons are varied but it's bit weird to know i can be intimidating..

[@user-lb4ul4hr3b]

@@futuristicvibes2643 same here.

[@IndieRockerHippy]

Yep. I get the "intimidating" thing too from some new people.

[@karhart6663]

I'm intense, because I usually haven't expressed anything about my thought process to anyone. I'm coming with fully formed ideas and decisions that no one has heard, and I am adamant about them as I truly believe in them. That puts ppl in a weird place, bc they are processing and ask questions and I get annoyed bc I have already argued with myself and don't want to waste time on something I've already concluded.

[@LaRon523]

🎯

[@an_anishinaabe_son]

I agree!

[@lehya9861]

Exactly!!

[@jorgecatolico810]

As an intj, I can confirm

[@heesoolee8357]

That's me 😂

[@livinginlux]

"I like to hear people admit things." Wow. 100%. What is that? Maybe Ti child just needs to know the truth, so it turns to Fe parent: I want the truth! Get the truth for me! Then Fe parent uses its subtlety and creativity to coax the truth out of the other person. Ni hero already knows the truth, but Ti child needs clear evidence to confirm it.

[@isla4953]

And yet people admitting anything is as rare as hens teeth

[@melancholiusmonkey-mann5749]

@livinginlux: Wow... this is insight. Could it be, however, the "Ti child" having been gaslighted and misdirected previously by those from whom he/she seeks answers, 'INFJ' now feel impelled (or 'compelled' in keeping with your 'child/parent' dynamic) to get something more solid; something that doesn't allow the offender the benefit of plausible deniability? Whereas, an initial, perhaps tacit admission of wrongdoing and apology from said offender would have been adequate, not allowing the infj's empathy to do what it does best: make excuses for people's dysfunctions, is in my view a mistake. But once this "grace period" has been foolishly squandered any hope for an ongoing meaningful relationship requires nothing less than a full confession and sincere apologies will suffice. INFJ does not expect this in any scenario that doesnt involve someone's deathbed, which unless it is their own, they probably won't be present for. They should consider themselves lucky in my books... Were they dealing with say, a psychopath INFJ, these offenders would suffer in ways they couldn't imagine all the while wondering what was happening to them. Clay, you are correct. Love can mean so many things to so many people. And so many people now have their own morality. It is almost necessary to clarify meanings and definitions. Thanks

[@livinginlux]

@@melancholiusmonkey-mann5749 Thank you for elaborating on my idea so brilliantly! My Ti child has been injured by gaslighting beyond belief, and an injured Ti child is an angry Ti child who is prone to acting out. And boy does the offender love to dwell in the wiggle room of plausible deniability. But I believe the Fe/Ti combo, at a time and place of Ni's choosing, is capable of pinning that snake down. And you're so right, Fe parent can be pathologically forgiving when given half the chance, but if you piss on my leg and tell me it's raining... Another element of the dynamic I think is Ni denial, internal and external. It is hard to trust Ni conclusions 100%, especially as they are routinely dismissed by others, and so Ti child is double and triple checking them. What's more, in a broader context, say within a family specifically, nobody else trusts your Ni. When you're bitten by a snake, you can reconstruct the scene of the crime perfectly for them, draw them an elegant mental map and connect all the dots, but in the absence of incontrovertible evidence, family members will deny that a snakebite even happened. Especially when the implications of the snakebite are inconvenient for them personally. Others accept nothing less than a full confession.

[@melancholiusmonkey-mann5749]

@@livinginlux thank you for your kind word. You inspired me to write with a passion. Cheers!

[@TheHashSlingingSlasher548]

@@melancholiusmonkey-mann5749 "What is done out of love is beyond good and evil." - Friedrich Nietzsche

[@sonyagirodon9510]

Obsessive, intense, "don't THINK so much", "can we keep it light?", "just be happy!" NO! I AM obsessive and intense! Don't like me? There's the door!

[@Anth369]

It’s so satisfying to hear another INFJ articulate what I experience. Thanks Clay

[@martylynes328]

I totally agree and understand you! It's difficult trying to explain to my fiancé that I'm not interrogating him... I'm just trying to understand him. Can be extremely frustrating.

[@Shawn-fn6gl]

Yes, trying to understand the people you care about. That’s all

[@christinelikeschrysanthemums]

Before I discovered I was INFJ, I thought "everyone" must feel this way..... lol

[@starminoui]

This video came at the perfect time. I recently door slammed a couple of one-sided friendships. I spent several months trying to repair these friendships. I think our intensity seems more intense because initially we can act as a chameleon and act “normal.” So I can make friends easily, but after a while I want the friendship or relationship to progress and my intensity will be seen as too much. When I notice a problem in a friendship, I speak up. But I noticed, especially with the friendships I just ended, that people frequently want to sweep issues under the rug and pretend everything is fine. I’ve been told I overthink or take things too personally. I would rather have people be rude and direct about how they feel about me than speak to me in what I call “corporate speak,” sugarcoating what they really mean. I want people to be authentic and my friends weren’t doing that. Honestly, I have a much easier time not having friends at all. I can wear an extroverted mask and be friendly outside my home but I want closer friendships than what most people are willing to give.

[@AufDeutsch]

Story of my life! Thank you. =)

[@ClayArnall]

It’s a hard balance having friends. I have maybe two people in my life now that appreciates the inquisitive side of me. They’re not easy to find though.

[@starminoui]

@@ClayArnall Is it common to be all or nothing in friendships for INFJs? I have a hard time accepting casual friendships past a certain point. Obviously friendships have to start somewhere, but if I don’t feel close to someone after a while what’s the point?

[@saultube44]

Be careful when making friends, most will just be 1 sided, they won't admit wrong doing, but will be the first to correct you and think of themselves are superior in every possible way; stay away from them, nothing to do there. Others won't open and just be shallow, there's nothing there really neither. When they say you overthink, means you think 🤔 and observe 🧐 what's fair, good and want 5obopen to share more, they're just shallow and never go that far, probably because not convenience of some sort, that you don't have, generally money and power or some other resource; stay away from them. People that like you will want to talk to you, is that simple. But you also have to consider the other side too: sometimes people aren't in the mood for what we want/need, for a number of reasons, but if they value you they'll show it, but clearly some people are just too difficult so some friendships are simply not possible. So my advice: just enjoy what you can sincerely and authentically with whomever wants to be your friend, the same way, and go with the flow, is best with both sides, and somewhere there, will be a way, if and only if there is a will on the other side, since you clearly are putting your part in the friendship

[@catarinarodrigues3142]

I relate to this in another level omg

[@katrinacherkasskikh7756]

I just realized something, reading through some of the comments on fellow INFJs being told to “keep it light” or to “not take things so seriously”... I have received more of those same comments here in the States versus where I’d grown up (Russia), and, while I still felt like I don’t fit in socially in some ways even in Russia, not many people would tell me that I go too deep with my thoughts/ideas over there, because in the Russian culture that depth is not something people feel uncomfortable with. If anything, people seem to strive for that - going deeper in your relationships, thoughts, perception of the world (of course, there are exceptions to the rule, but in general, Russians hate small talk, value quality over quantity in relationships, can go very deep in their conversations with you, and don’t tolerate anything that is not genuine). Hence, being an introvert there is not that much of a challenge, generally-speaking. So the intensity we possess (as INFJs) becomes more of a problem in the Western cultures. Maybe even more so in the American culture. These are just my observations, but I have definitely almost never heard “you are too intense/deep” comment directed toward me in Russia...

[@jkd2608]

Yeah my mum is Dutch and I've visited The Netherlands & a lot of Europe, too. They're so much more open and willing to discuss anything and everything but Australians, generally, aren't that curious and are happy to just go with the flow and go with the general consensus.

[@shynicorn3193]

I don't know about the rest of you but other languages is almost impossible for me

[@JR6191947]

@@shynicorn3193 I am actually good with understanding accents and other cultures I notice a British influence the most difficult to know

[@MaryellenDawson]

Aha. So THAT is where all the INFJs live. We should take a group trip to meet all of them.

[@1594simonsays]

Wow man your making me wish i never lived a day in the west

[@PaintTheOwl]

I'm so eternally grateful for all the infjs that make videos on youtube

[@moodyringtarotllc1624]

Sound like you went through some degree of the word-salad 🥗 tactic by a could be narcissist that didn’t want to get cornered so they redirected the whole conversation to resist getting “exposed”.

[@ylvali]

I feel you so much on this. But it’s also what I find attractive about my partner. I can dig and dig into him and there are always new things to discover. He is an infp so he has depths that are still unknown to me after all these years. But as he is an infp I feel safe that I won’t ever actually find anything bad in there haha. I feel safe with him in all my intensity.

[@PaintTheOwl]

@@ylvali That's so amazing that you have such a wonderful relationship! Thank you for sharing this with me, it warms my heart. I guess I wrote that comment through a bit of an existential dread like lens, in the sort of horror I feel sometimes at the fact that we are all stuck in our own minds haha. I know there are good people out there, ones who have your best interests at heart, and it sustains my hope for sure.

[@maddart4445]

The blue room is gorgeous.

[@MeghanNystrom]

That teal chair!

[@wandalynnellis7814]

We have dumbed ourselves down in my opinion. I fully accept myself. The good ... bad and the ugly. I'm not really sure if others think I'm intense because I normally don't talk to very many people about my deep stuff. Tried it got picked on so I stopped.

[@narimdraws6696]

12:00 Definitely agree with this one! As an INFJ, it's easy to find patterns in someone and make guesses from there until you're sure of the conclusion you've reached about that person. But, even though I've already figured it out, I always like to lead the conversation to the other person admitting what it is I've found out about them.

[@valej9387]

I'm an INTP. INFJ's are my favorite people to bounce theories/ideas/concepts off of, and I enjoy it when they open up about whatever they're analyzing & let me contribute to that process.

[@guang6575]

As always, very spot on! I do hate it when people's actions are contradictory to what they say. I just let go of a 6 year relationship because of this. When I brought up these contradictions, they became defensive and said I was criticizing them.

[@needlebow7906]

I've recently decided to intentionally tone down my intensity, most specifically at work. Needing to understand underlying motivations and identifying patterns in behavior has made others feel like I'm being intrusive and far too personal for most relationships, especially ones at work. I've often felt like any time I contribute to conversations or even participate in the social dynamic of a group, I end up derailing things into a really personal territory. Others will then lash out at me for making them feel vulnerable, even if at first they were interested in my observations or opinions. Seeing lies or manipulation or coping strategies when others can't makes it difficult-- I see that as something very personal, but others don't. So at work when I bring attention to it, it's like I'm being overtly personal and cruel. And the backlash can get... Pretty weird if we're honest. With close relationships I can be myself, but I've learned the hard way that many people see my default mode as inherently intrusive so I need to compensate for it in areas like my professional life. To help keep this up 40 hours a week, I've funneled my curiousity and dot connecting into creative projects involving history research. At least dead people don't get upset when I intrude on them ;) Anyway, so many of your videos have been extremely helpful to me and this one was quite timely. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences.

[@mindym.1166]

I’ve tried to tone it down, but the shallow conversational approach of just saying to them “oh, wow” “yeah?” “then what did you do?” “Uh huh” and “that’s great” is just so unsatisfying for me. I don’t exist to just be an ear, why do others think that’s an okay role for me? I want a connection. I have emotional needs too -these include the desire to understand what they’re thinking and for me be understood by them too. But it doesn’t even occur to them to ask. Manipulation, illogical thinking, and the like are all a huge turn off to me, and don’t get me started on my ever-present bullshit meter. My last “best friend” used me as a supportive and empathetic crutch during her divorce, then within a year, she had backed away from most contact. I have to conclude I just knew too much for her to be comfortable continuing the friendship. I am a sixty year old who now spends most of my time alone, and it’s okay, the shallow relationships just aren’t worth it. Thank God for my husband, who is a total gem even though he is an extrovert, and for my two sisters. I don’t have the energy to try to find new friends given the probable outcomes, though that makes me sad (and sometimes lonely).

[@calebsneeringer9948]

This really resonates with me as an INFJ and an autist. Most people don't understand me and find me intense.

[@Earthboundicarus]

Definitely feeling this. It was actually a relatively recent discovery that I realized that I have a tendency to “interview” people in conversation, and in looking back I can definitely see times when it turned things awkward. I’m still working out how best to have a conversation with a non-INFJ person in such a way that makes them feel more at ease but still gives me the sort of feedback from them that I’d like to have to feel like I got something out of it as well. Easier said than done!