Confidence and Hearing Loss [CC]

[@bobpocock87]

OMG, she's amazing looking, so beautiful

[@nellefindlay]

Thanks :)

[@katherandefy]

😂😂 I am always messing up my speech volume. I just treat it as a private joke now that I am 59 but I am also deciding to change tactics a bit. I think one of the most important things ever is to simply state what I need and not go into depth. Informing people that I am deaf helps only if it is not a social situation and I will likely never meet the people I am interacting with again. Like wait staff in a restaurant. Then saying I am deaf seems reasonable. But all my life I have found that social interactions involve a lot of forgetfulness and relaxation. Nobody is being wrong or bad. I forget I can’t hear and make all sorts of mistakes like (favorite one here) people are not sure where my non sequitors come from and I sound like I’m nutty. Most people react by flinching. 😂 I just say Oops lost whatever was actually said that time sorry. And I don’t worry about it. People who are absolutely mortified can have all sorts of reasons for their reaction. I mean I can’t make myself hear well or be smooth socially. And I may as well be myself or it is no fun at all. I do love social interaction. I am much less upset by it all these days. And a social life is so important to me so I persevere.

[@sharon3750]

Yes, I can identify and thank you for your courage posting your truth. I am new to hearing loss. I had a viral infection 5 years ago that attacked my auditory nerves, causing hearing loss and tinnitus in both ears. I had many years of normal hearing leading up to the hearing loss so my speach is normal (or I think it still is). I have to say, though, that I have no problem telling people I can't hear what they are saying and I do not feel dumb or embarrassed, especially if they are soft spoken, where even someone with normal hearing may not get every word. To be frank, many people mumble out of habit, look away when they talk or look down. I experienced 'mumblers' even when I had normal hearing. When someone gives me that 'you must be stupid' look (yes, I can identify), I immediately correct their behavior by telling them I've lost hearing - not to make them feel bad, but so they understand that making assumptions on anything is not a good habit to practice. What I HAVE noticed which is interesting is that my boyfriend is either embarrassed of me or for me (can't figure which yet) when my brain has interpreted someone's words as something entirely different than what was said. In those situations, he will quickly repeat loudly to me what they really said. I think I'm more angry that people are so intolerant and ignorant of acquired or inherited issues such as hearing loss. Again, thank you for the video and all my best to everyone out here with hearing loss :-)

[@cynthiagabriel5737]

I don’t think there’s a thing wrong with you or the way you communicate. I’m in my 60s and I realize as I get older I care about what other people think even less. You are a lovely young woman and don’t you ever let anybody make you feel uncomfortable being yourself!

[@nellefindlay]

Thanks, I'm working on my confidence. I think that it often comes with age. I just try to remember that if I wouldn't think something about someone else then I shouldn't think it about myself. Nelle :)

[@chadmcintosh6312]

The person above is right. Your young lady so. Think of is this way. Your. Conference is only going to get better. Put your self first with your feeling. And work on yourself and forget what other people think or say.

[@foran0004]

This is so relatable ...especially the part of speaking too loudly and being told to shush...this always happens to me.

[@nellefindlay]

I'm glad I'm not the only person with this issue. I hope you enjoyed the video. Nelle :)

[@chadmcintosh6312]

Good video. I’m 44 and been using hearing aid from when I was young. Going into school meeting new people. Dating etc. it’s been hard yes. Conference can be shot down low alot of days. But I do learned that it’s mostly can be more frustrating having to really show people and try twice as hard to get ahead. Just got the survey done for my CI few weeks ago and came across your videos. Keep up the good work. 😊 and hold your head up higher every day. Thanks for sharing your feeling , thoughts, and vogue fears A lot of us deaffee people. All been there. And we all stand with you.

[@nellefindlay]

Thank you! Good luck if you decide to get a CI. Mine is great and I'm really glad I went ahead with it. I'm glad I'm not the only deaf person who struggles with confidence, but I guess having to deal with stupid people and weird situations helps build character! Nelle :)

[@dolphindiva9586]

Great video. Thank you for your honesty and sharing your personal struggles as you adjust to your hearing loss. I have bilateral Menderes disease and wear hearing aids. For years my vertigo was very debilitating and affected me and my family significantly but with time it has gotten much better. I hope yours has too! I developed Meniere’s and lost hearing as an adult so like you it was a big shock and adjustment. I am learning ASL but it is only worthwhile if I am communicating with others who know sign language. Most do not so I am left asking people to repeat themselves, working extra hard to comprehend, etc. and have similar confidence issues. It is especially hard with masks or when I teleworked and we had virtual meetings. Restaurants are very difficult. I am to the point where as soon as my hearing is an issue I will say “I’m hard of hearing. Can you please speak slower or louder etc.” That does help in that most people will be more patient and accommodating. My husband and daughters are a big help and will assist me but it does affect my sense of confidence and independence. Hearing fatigue is a definite thing. Living with someone who is hard-of-hearing is stressful too so it impacts the whole family. Please don’t sell yourself short career-wise and assume you have to choose a solitary job or work in a field you otherwise wouldn’t select. Keep advocating for yourself, own your deafness. You are articulate, intelligent, and capable and will continue to do great things despite your hearing challenges, which will in turn improve your confidence.

[@nellefindlay]

Hi, thank you for your comment. I'm glad I'm not the only person going through something similar. I'm glad your family are supportive of you. Don't worry about me limiting myself to solitary work, I'm actually at university now studying Spanish and British Sign language so it's very social. I do struggle with communication on my course, but I think I'm managing it pretty well. I think I'm doing pretty well advocating for my needs, but I still get a bit shy about it. Nelle :)

[@barrytaylorprofoundlydeafi2479]

Welcome back Nelle it lovely to watch your video's again,even though you have been deaf for over a year now it does not mean your used to it,your experiencing what a lot us who suddenly become deaf experience,I have a hashtag I always use #deaf not daft..being thought of as stupid stemmed from if you were born deaf & it took you longer than non deaf people to learn different things! But as you say you speak well because you were hearing for over 20 yrs,the fact that signing comes naturally now is a good thing! A lot of people have badges for work that state your deaf & please speak slowly etc! That may not be your thing! You do jazz up your CI & have a coloured earmould for your hearing aid! All you can do is maybe jazz them both up more! Your proccessor is not exactly small,but hopefully when you get a 2nd CI it may help you hear different frequencies! It's good your still using a hearing aid even if it's of little help to you! Even people that have been deaf for years struggle at times! Some people are fantastic lip readers I am not! You should be proud of how far you have come! You did not lose your hearing over a long period! Plus imagine if you only had hearing aids now,your confidence would have gotten really bad! I am now told my speech sounds like I have been deaf all my life as hearing aids are of little use! Good luck with the fund raising for your 2nd cochlear implant I am happy to be able to contribute! It's time the powers that be changed their rules,no matter what age you are if CI's help you should get 2 if you so desire! And not be 18 or under or have sight issues too! You have proved if you work at it CI's work..so maybe all of us deaf people should write to the heath minister & get a change in the rules! Rant & ramble over 🤣💗💗

[@nellefindlay]

Thank you for your comment. Lip reading is so much harder than people realise and people are so quick to make assumptions about your intelligence. I think having a badge saying that you're deaf would be a great idea if you worked somewhere where you were speaking to a lot of different people, but to be honest, I don't think it would be worth it for me because I usually only end up speaking to guests maybe once a week for about 30 seconds. The rules for cochlear implants seem really unfair, I'll definitely write to my local MP and various authorities to see if there is any way to change the rules. Nelle :)

[@NessasLifescape]

This video is very relatable. Some of my struggles are ordering food in a noisy restaurant because they always ask me questions and I don’t know what they are saying. For example, chipotle is a real challenge because they have a lot of loud music in there and the person is asking you what you want in your meal. Moreover, I did a lot of guess at what people were saying when I was a kid and ended up looking dumb. Sometimes I only hear part of what a person says. A speaking therapist I talked to told me to ask specific questions about the part of the sentence you didn’t hear. Or repeat back exactly what you heard so they know what part you were missing. This is better than saying “what?”, can you repeat that?, etc because somethings they will repeat the entire sentence and I will miss the same exact part a second time. People get impatient when you ask them to repeat things to many times so getting to the point on what you need help with makes conversation a little easier.

[@nellefindlay]

Anywhere with a lot of background noise when you have to talk to strangers is really difficult when you can't hear properly. Especially when you are young and 'look normal' people don't ever think that your hearing might be the issue and just assume that you're not paying attention or are a bit stupid. That's definitely a good tip to specifically make clear the part you missed. I'm glad you enjoyed the video. Nelle :)

[@davejenkins873]

There is nothing for to feel embarrassed about Nelle. If I was to have a conversation with a deaf person and not realise that fact, it is I who would feel embarrassed for appearing insensitive. I understand it's part of you working out how your world works now. As an articulate and intelligent person I'm confident that you'll do it.

[@nellefindlay]

Thanks for the sentiment. I know I shouldn't be embarrassed, but I guess it takes some time to build confidence. I don't want to make anyone else embarrassed either though!

[@iTzShakenJoE]

I was at a restaurant, and I just got my hearing aids an hour prior to me going.. so I go inside , and the guy says to me "you can put your food on the counter while you wait to pay".... I said what?! he said, " please put your food on the counter.. I said, Can I put my food on the counter...the lady said on the side. HES BEEN SAYInG THAT FOR THE PAST 5 MINS... and she giggles. I wanted to cry inside... I just of told her look at my massive HEARING AIDS, I'm hard of hearing, but I smiled with tears held back. :(

[@nellefindlay]

I'm so sorry you had this experience. It's really difficult to know what to do in those situations because it is embarrassing regardless. You're not the only one. I've had me feelings hurt a fair few times by people making stupid comments. The best thing to do in those situations is to just politely apologise (even though it's not your fault and they're the ones with the problem) and say I have a 'serious/severe hearing loss' which meant I was unable to hear you. The more polite you are, the more embarrassed they'll be. I try to avoid saying 'deaf' because sometimes people don't realise that you're referring to a medical hearing loss rather than just using it as an expression.

[@abbybaer4074]

i completely relate

[@lou3878]

This video hit the nail on the head Nelle. Currently on the waiting list for a right sided cochlear implant since 21st Jan 22. So I wear hearing aids atm hoping for a surgery date soon, 22 years of wearing hearing aids and I am an excellent lip-reader. (I am 26 and born deaf.) (Severely to profoundly now.) I get this all the time and have issues with hearing in background noise as well. I find for my peace of mind and I hope this will help you being in a busy restaurant. I try to place myself where I can join in some of the conversation, at the head of the table so that it facilitates lipreading. So you don't feel sidelined from it all. I find more now I'm becoming increasingly dependent on others to relay what has been said which isn't the best for confidence. But it is something which is a work in progress and I hope the cochlear implant will help somewhat with this. I often repeat back what someone has said sometimes to ensure they and I are on the same page. As a general rule I ask people twice but if I don't catch what was said, I get them to write it down. The "stupid" issue you so rightly pointed out is one which infuriates me as well, it is often ignorance. The old nod and smile or laugh trick is not the best when asked a question, I know that well. 😂I find best to speak up and educate people is the best way forward and deaf awareness is something that needs to be talked about. I also have no way of controlling my voice, I speak extremely softly and often get told to raise it but I can't shout or raise my voice.

[@nellefindlay]

Hi, thank you for your comment. I hope you get your surgery date soon. I think it's been a while because you commented about it before. Finding a good place to sit really does help. I often forget to do it and then realise I picked a stupid place too late. I'm getting better though. My cochlear implant has really helped me, not so much with background noise, but one to one, it's so much better than hearing aids were for me. Unfortunately for us, nodding and smiling does have its limits, and people will often assume that people are just being stupid rather than assuming that they might be deaf or hard of hearing. I'm trying to get better at speaking up for myself, but it can be difficult sometimes. I also kind of feel like if I'm only going to spend 30 seconds of my life speaking to someone, I don't want half of it to just be about my hearing. Volume control is so difficult when you can't hear your own voice. I was told by my implant centre that often it can get better once people have cochlear implants. My family have told me that my volume control is better since my implant, so hopefully you might find it helps you too. My issue is usually on the side of speaking too loudly so I'm not sure how it would work for if you speak too quietly.

[@lou3878]

@@nellefindlay Yes, it has been a while! 6 months waiting. No dates for the pre op or op yet but I'm hoping soon. 🤞🏻 I emailed my CI centre (Bristol) and they think it's likely to be this year at some point for my op. That's fantastic news Nelle, I'm so pleased you are getting on so well with the implant. 😁 Even if it helps a little for me, it's better than what I have currently. I completely agree with you, I find people assume I'm stupid just because I haven't caught the entire sentence or misheard what was said and I say a totally different answer to the one they were expecting. It's the context that is key. If that is taken away it's ridiculously difficult to gauge the conversation and thus affecting confidence. Take it one situation at a time. 😊 Yes it does take some working out as to where to sit and took me a few years before I worked out the right places. I think it helps when you are able to have people around you to advocate for you helps too. I think some people are more than accomodating and willing to work with you to help but then there are others who don't want to know and make it 10 times harder. I have found having little strategies that work for me for certain situations in where to place yourself for example in a restaurant or asking people to pull the masks down can help you build confidence. It's all about trialing things, seeing what you find works for you and adding each new situation to your toolbox, use another time. I'm still learning even now I come across situations where I'm totally not confident particularly in hospital settings. I find that incredibly nerve-racking with masks etc. But using strategies like asking if they'd take them down or writing it or saying I'm deaf etc so then we're both on the same level usually means we can work together. x

[@michaelgrant6862]

Good morning. For what it’s worth, I had my implant 5 days ago (Dec 4, 2023) and awaiting to have my stitches removed in 3 days. Question: In the video you mentioned you cannot distinguish 13 from 18. I relate to that if I can see their lips. Was this before or after your plant?

[@nellefindlay]

Good luck with your recovery. It’s one of the things I still struggle with even with a CI. It’s not that I can absolutely never hear the difference, it’s just something that I frequently mishear, and is difficult to guess from context. Some others that I often get wrong are ‘first’ and ‘third’, and ‘nineteenth century’ and ’1980’. Names are something I struggle with too like Josh vs George.

[@Travyola]

Hey NellsBells, it’s been shown by studies that people who are hard of hearing take longer to process the words that are being said to them. So we come across as being dumb/slow. If you’re not worried about being the Kim K of the deaf world then think about wearing one of those “Hey, I’m hard of hearing. It’s ok I blame it on my parents” badges. It might help in your hotel job when you’re asked where is room 18. Otherwise, Keep Calm and Soldier On.

[@nellefindlay]

Hi, thank you for your comment. I definitely feel that it takes me longer to process what people are saying to me since losing my hearing. Maybe not the blaming it on my parents part, but a badge isn't a bad idea. I haven't done it yet, because I usually don't have to speak to people much in my job (one of the reasons for choosing it) but if it keeps being an issue I'll probably end up getting one. Nelle :)

[@grizzley109]

There are places I want to go and things I want to do but I avoid them because I know I will not be able to hear a thing. This is why I will never be able to work , pretty much every low wage job has a loud environment where you have to interact with a lot of the public . And the public is very varied in voices and accents along with background noise. I gave up job hunting pretty much 😅 . The job interviews are terrifying also, I feel so inadequate.

[@nellefindlay]

It's really frustrating to feel like you are being held back because of hearing loss. The worst thing is when you apply for a job and it seems to be going well, and then you tell them you're deaf and they just never speak to you again. Then everyone will inevitably tell you 'You don't know it was because of that.' or 'They don't know what they're missing, you can do way better.' If you're looking for a simple entry level job where you don't really need to interact with the public, I would suggest commercial cleaning. It's worked pretty well for me. I only really talk to the same few people and I am on my own a lot of the time. Some places like office buildings have the cleaners in at night or really early so you wouldn't need to talk to anyone. The only thing with cleaning is you need to be quite physically fit so it might not be possible for you if you have other medical conditions. With job interviews, I always make sure to tell them in advance that I'm deaf and I always ask if there is anything I need to know about getting into the building and what entrance to use and everything. Always specifically ask if there is an intercom system or anything beforehand just in case. I found the job searching process really disheartening and made me feel very inadequate, but then I also find that having a job has been a good confidence booster for me. Getting a job is great, but if you are not in a place to go through the job searching process, then make sure your mental health is in a good place first. Looking after yourself is important. Nelle :)

[@grizzley109]

@@nellefindlay thanks for the advice! I never really thought about finding a janitor/hotel cleaner job. And I have just recently became fit too, lost 30 lbs and can run quite far haha. Seriously, if I need to burn off energy , my as well clean and make money!. Thanks ☺️

[@lu5549]

You could probably audition for any film, theres literally agencies travelling the globe to find a face like yours

[@nellefindlay]

I'm glad you like my face! Unfortunately due to my lack of acting ability, I would be unlikely to be cast in any role that required me to do more than just stand there in a costume.

[@brendakirk7250]

Not sure of the stigma where you live but in the U.S. people often times think if you don’t have a “prestigious” job then you must be unintelligent. For example, janitorial staff. I don’t do that but many people do. I 💯 agree, I notice hearing aides all the time now. It’s like buying a different car; you start seeing that same car everywhere. Where I don’t feel confident is where mostly I think other’s saying strange things and I don’t want to ask what the heck they are talking about. I am obviously comfortable saying what around family and friends but.

[@nellefindlay]

There is a bit of that stigma here too, but I think that even if I did a different job, if I kept asking them to repeat what they said and double checking to make sure I understood correctly that they would think I was stupid anyway. It's such a weird scenario when your brain is filling in the gaps incorrectly in a conversation. The other day I thought my dad was talking about 'little creatures in the kitchen' I have no clue what he was actually saying, but it is just bizarre what your brain comes up with.

[@brendakirk7250]

@@nellefindlay Yep, my brain comes up with some funny stuff sometimes.

[@danclark3144]

We are deaf. Maybe it's because I'm older and just don't give a hoot what others think. If I didn't catch something I will ask the person to repeat themselves. If a person is speaking softly, I will say I'm partially deaf and need you to speak more loudly. There is no embarrassment at speaking up for yourself.

[@nellefindlay]

There really shouldn't be any embarrassment for speaking up for yourself and that's something I'm trying to work on. Confidence takes time to build but I'm getting there slowly. Nelle :)

[@asd7576]

I like to help you get second cochlear

[@nellefindlay]

Thank you!

[@asd7576]

@@nellefindlay how can i connect you?

[@Ocelot1962]

Hi Nelle, does music still sound out of tune to you? Has this improved? I'm asking because another CI recipient told me that after 10 years after getting her CI music sounds normal to her now. She said it sounded rubbish at first, but now she loves it. I want you to have the same experience.

[@nellefindlay]

Hi, thank you for your comment. Music has definitely improved since I first got my implant, but I do still sometimes notice it sounds a bit out of tune. I'm sure my experience will probably improve with time and I have only had my implant switched on for 8 months so years down the line there will probably be further improvement.

[@electrochaser8154]

You’re deaf. Just like me. Stop worrying about what someone else thinks. It’s their problem not yours. The deafness is never going away. So if you want to sign when you speak, sign then. You now know two languages! If they ask why you are signing, we’ll they didn’t indicate that they are able to hear did they? Need a tee shirt that says “It’s not that I didn’t understand you, I’m deaf.

[@nellefindlay]

Not worrying about what other people think is my goal, but it's much easier said than done! Maybe I'll look into getting t-shirts made :)