Could Relationship Anarchy Be Right For You?: Exploring Unconventional Relationship Styles

[@sleidkssk]

The way that the relationship escalator has such a stronghold over us is incredible - it takes a significant amount of effort to disarm the unconscious bias that has been embedded in us, and like you said, the relationship escalator is like a paint-with-the-numbers kit - it seems to be easier since the structure is laid out already but it also means it's possible that you don't like where the painting is going. And since the expectations are already set out, for most people communication gets put on the back burner 'cause tbh communication is not easy. Communication is wayyyy harder than I thought and requires a lot of effort but it seems to be the only way you can start enjoying painting 🙃 As always thank you for the lovely video! ❤

[@meghansandor]

Thank you for the thoughtful comment, and I love how eloquently you worded the analogy of the paint-by-numbers kit!! ♥

[@p0etrygh0st]

This is really interesting and helps me think more about friendship jealousy

[@meghansandor]

Friendship jealousy is SO REAL

[@jpatrick113]

I always appreciate these deep dives into relationships/sexuality/etc. Your videos on asexuality and relationship anarchy have really resonated with me. I've always had difficulties with relationships and these perspectives and new ways of thinking about relationships have given me a lot to think about. As someone who doesn't have the attention span for research, I am grateful for the work you put into these videos.

[@meghansandor]

Thank you for watching! I’m a research fanatic, so if there’s ever anything in particular you’d like to see a video essay on, shoot me a message and I’d be more than happy to do a deep-dive for you!

[@jpatrick113]

@@meghansandor I'm not sure if there is a way to DM on youtube and I don't really have social so I'm posting this here and hope you see it. I've been thinking about possible topics that I would be interested in and would be curious how society could evolve to support differing relationship philosophies. Obviously North American society pretty much only supports monogamy and sometimes only binary sex relationships. So I am curious is anyone has done any research or throwing around ideas on how we could move forward in society to better support different relationship ideals. Thanks Meghan

[@meghansandor]

@@jpatrick113 That's a great idea, thank you for posting it!! I've actually been reading a lot of books on how we can as a society move towards more egalitarian ways of relating, and basically what it comes down to is deconstructing capitalism and patriarchy on a grassroots level first. But I can definitely do a video about this at some point!

[@anonanon7553]

@@meghansandor Can you recommend some book about this to me? I'm more of a reader as opposed to a watching videos type of person.

[@Reed5016]

@@anonanon7553She listed some stuff in the video description. Books and articles.

[@Wonnjonn]

While I found the focus on the relationship escalator as a juxtaposition to RA difficult becuase of how rigid and unfamiliar the escalator seems compared to the conventions I'm aware of, I really appreciated how welcoming this dialogue was towards people who are monogomous and/or lean toward more convetional relationship styles. I've always felt like RA presents concepts that are super helpful in the toolkits of lots of relationship styles, but I often notice a lot of hostility toward monogomous people when RA is dicussed. Thank you for inviting us into the conversation and making it accessible 🧡

[@meghansandor]

I'm so happy to hear that! I feel like a bit of a "bridge" because I'm not naturally poly myself, but I do see a lot of benefits in practicing some forms of it, and learning from poly folk and I have tried it in the past. I also don't like how hostile a lot of poly spaces are towards mono folk because it makes something that's already scary seem REALLY overwhelming, when in reality everyone stands to benefit from knowing they have options and they can design relationships that make sense to THEM.

[@ro-hoe3117]

Fun fact "blood is thicker than water" means the opposite of what people use it as, the full quote is "blood of the covenant is thicker than water of the womb." Meaning chosen family is more important than blood family

[@Perilous_perils_forrest]

Thank you for feeding my unhealthy obsession with learning about relationship dynamics and related things🙏/gen/hsilly Edit: this was very informative thank you/gen

[@meghansandor]

I'm glad it was enjoyable/informative! :)

[@DerrickJolicoeur]

This whole concept feels right in ways I've never before felt. I'm sooooo glad a friend pointed me to another one of your videos, and I'm happy I made it here

[@meghansandor]

I’m glad to have you here! Thanks for checking out the channel ☺️

[@ghostlinks]

This makes a lot more sense than the anxiety I get from traditional relationships. Especially when I find myself breaking down trying to fit into an escalator relationship. Not to mention when you like someone who also doesn’t fit into those norms. It is easy to live and see each other instead of panicking about wanting to be around them and possibly causing another person to be repelled by a societal pressure.

[@shannon7260]

Hi Meaghan, my first time watching your utube ( I’ve only seen IG shorts) You have very interesting points here! I just have to comment, I am married but we chose to not have kids,, there in taking friends relationships I have actually been told I’m not worth her time because I don’t know what real life is because I have no kids. Now sadly it’s happened more than once,I felt they were great friends and I appreciated their time with me only to be shoved aside. I hear what you’re saying here,, I totally get this!!

[@meghansandor]

I'm sorry it resonated for those reasons! I hear you though, childfree people can feel marginalized easily sometimes.

[@-beee-]

Your talking about the experience as an ace person and the discomfort with how things often manifest in polyamory felt really resonant to me. I would love to learn more from you and others with reflections on how to explore RA as an ace person.

[@junaseras]

The last sentences of your manifesto almost made be cry 🥲 So beautiful, thanks for sharing! ❤️ I've been practicing RA for about 3 years now and i've never been happier. I'm an AFAB, grey-ace AuDHDer and i just can't do typical relationships... It doesn't feel safe nor exciting or natural. The expectations that are put on me by society by default rarely match how i feel about myself or my relationships. I'm so happy i found you're channel, I feel so seen listening to you. Thanks! ❤️

[@meghansandor]

I’m so happy you feel seen! Thank you for leaving that wonderful comment and I hope you stick around! 😉

[@rosaannarilli4905]

Hi Meghan, great topic, I've learned a thing or two. All I will say is that, I'm so glad I'm in no relationship too time consuming!

[@violetniemiec1602]

I definitely will have to show this video to my partner so they can better understand how i feel.

[@QuintonMurdock]

It may be so right for me I’ve been a relationship anarchist before being a normal anarchist (“normal”)

[@nathandavis9385]

My comment is about time: I feel, at least for myself, that the ability to love is infinite. I can love any number of people with the full depth of body and spirit that I am capable of. Time, however, is a limited resource and I even hesitate to call it a resource as it certainly isn’t renewable. Our time in this incarnation is finite and thus creates its value. It’s because of this logic that I prioritize my time within a kind of hierarchy by default with respect to those I feel most responsible to. If we all lived forever, it wouldn’t be an issue. Now, that said, perhaps the afterlife is just one giant orgy 🤷‍♂️ and when we get there, none of this will matter and we can take any form we like.

[@judysm95]

I pretty much feel this way too, and it’s why I as a polyamorous person do sometimes feel isolated when people say all hierarchies are gone - there is a hierarchy of quality time given whether we intend for that to be the case or not. I think that’s literally impossible to avoid unless we clone ourselves or we have a strict schedule where our time with everyone is equal (and that becomes harder and harder the broader your social circle). I do have people I prioritize in my life but that shifts and changes constantly and it has nothing to do with who society says should be most important to me.

[@xoxoshaneandmexoxo]

Woahhhhh life changing AND affirming !

[@micahlynx]

this was such an interesting video!! relationship anarchy is something ive only recently heard about but immediately i identified with it moreso than the typical relationship escalator, as i don’t see myself ever wanting kids or even marriage. thank you for all the resources in the description too, i will definitely make sure to check them out :)

[@porput]

This is amazing, you have basically put into words what I feel and what I want in a way that I would have never been able myself. I'm definitely going to read more about relationship anarchy and I'm forever grateful for you for making this video!

[@christinecamley]

Hey what a super interesting topic Meghan! I enjoyed watching a lot! Fabulously done!! 🙂

[@meghansandor]

Thank you! I’m glad you enjoyed it :)

[@thesaltybeard1793]

This is so fucking good. Been trying to sort through my thoughts on how I feel about these things for years now but especially more recently.

[@meghansandor]

Thank you! I hope you get it sorted out :)

[@deeno1111]

i consider my time wasted by emotional abusers that pretend to care about me in the beginning but show over time that they want me to shrink to suit their insecurities and preferences. if you’ve never experienced insidious mental abuse, consider yourself lucky.

[@fordsmolko872]

I've been on both sides of this dynamic, unfortunately. I'm so sorry that you've been though that. I hope you know that you are worthy of love and worthy of safety. And you deserve to be your full beautiful self.

[@IsisJanssen]

You have a great explaining voice! Would love an analysis of those books! To further educate myself (reading is reallly hardddd for me) + im really interested

[@meghansandor]

Thank you! I've had several people ask for an analysis now so maybe I'll do a video about each one! Thanks for taking the time to leave a comment :)

[@Kay-ot8fs]

Ohhh so there's a name for the thing I've been doing my whole life! Would have saved a lot of headaches to have a vocabulary to articulate it. Better late than never

[@nataliasegal8674]

I had to pause the video and say that I am surprised that this video doesn't have more views. You're saying so many important and thought-provoking things here....especially about how people view time given out to people and the concept that nobody is a waste of time. One of my favourite relationships was a friends with benefits situation where we both knew it wasn't going anywhere and there was no pressure so the intimacy was so hot and healthy....but unfortunately in the end, we needed different things. Still....no regrets looking back to that time. It was much healthier and happier than a 3 year mostly monogamous relationship that I had with another person because I thought I should want to go up the relationship escalator to prove that I was a real adult. It was silly, but that's what happens when society pressures us and we don't question it enough! :) Anyway, awesome video and awesome explanation and how you distinguished RA from poly. I am both, but I appreciate it when people are reminded that there is a difference!

[@meghansandor]

Thank you for sharing a bit of your story and for your thoughtful and insightful comment! I also think it's silly that we spend so much time categorizing our relationships and prioritizing them based on status rather than genuine connection and intimacy.

[@Fatima-zq6sd]

Thank you for these gems!

[@FreyjaStar]

Right off the bat I love how you actually understand what it means to be an Anarchist so many people are ignorant of this so thank you whatever your political alignment is personally for actually properly representing an Anarchist mindset that isn't just "wanting to watch the world burn." or whatever bullshit the dominant media structures want us to think. Also I absolutely adore how you critiqued the phrase "just friends." This phrase pisses me off because my dearest friend and I have greater bond than any bond I've had with a romantic partner we dated at one point and were even closer as friends right now than we were when we were dating. I'm looking forward to watching the rest of the video and sharing more things that I appreciate. I really want to apply relationship anarchy the best that I can and I'm looking forward to the rabbit hole I'm gonna go down thank you so much for helping me on this journey 🙏🤗

[@TheAtheisMexican]

I wish I had discovered the concepts in this video years and years ago.

[@meghansandor]

That's how I felt when I learned about RA too! I'm glad the info is more readily available now.

[@TheAtheisMexican]

@@meghansandor My entire adolescent and adult live convinced I was broken, and the lengths I would go to hide it from myself and any partners I had...I have so much melancholy thinking about it. But the language that I am now learning (I am 46) has been so lifechanging.

[@LiamTalksAboutStuff]

Fantastic video! Really appreciate the research and effort that has gone into this. Relationship anarchy is something I've become aware of recently and I find it a very comforting approach, as someone who has been single for the majority of their life. I think society's ideals of romantic relationships create a lot of unfair pressure for people whose lives don't conform to those and an approach like this can enable us to appreciate the fulfilment afforded to us by all types of relationships.

[@meghansandor]

I totally agree, there are so many ways to experience love and society does us a massive injustice by forcing us into hetero/amatanormative boxes

[@MsWing-ij9nb]

Many many thanks for listing references in your description! I wish more content creators included one, so again, thanks! Will check out that literature on relationship anarchy which I feel I've been living out throughout adulthood, even before, but finally there's a word/framework/ community - I'm not alone in being nonconformist in intuitively not abiding by conventional norms surrounding relationship hierarchies. Also, while watching your helpful video, a thought came up: are the Golden Girls basically OG relationship anarchists? I think so...discuss ;)

[@abril17cullen]

This was really helpful in my journey of discovering what the hell it is that I want, also very well explained

[@meghansandor]

Hi there! I love Mexico, I spent a week in Cuernavaca when I was in high school and it was beautiful ☺️ thank you for watching, and for your comment! Welcome to the space

[@camilled.2817]

This is really right on time for where I'm at right now, thank you for the details and examples and nuances that help paint the picture vividly

[@meghansandor]

Thank you! I try, and I'm glad it resonated with you :)

[@dunia4893]

I really can't get tired of yhese videos, love it 💗 I wish more people knew about this subject

[@meghansandor]

Thank you! Me too, I think even if most people still prefer more conventional forms of relating, at least by taking the time to learn about other relationship styles and structures, they can choose more consciously and not just fall into social norms that may or may not suit them!

[@dunia4893]

@@meghansandor yeah definitely, I really think all relationships would benefit in knowing about it, and it'd make it easier to anarchorelate to people if they came from understanding a bit of the subject rather than having to always do the work of having to introduce them to it and risk them not getting it

[@meganmyers1657]

Hi Meghan I’m Megan 😉

[@meghansandor]

Hi Megan! I must say, you have the best name I’ve ever heard 😉

[@randomlittlewaffle]

Wow, I can't find that last book anywhere that's accessible to me. Cries in braille and audio. 😢

[@saskiahorton]

Hi Meghan, Your hair is cOOL, AND i praise the big daddy algorithm for alerting me to your content 😅😂 (also LOVE me a long video essay) LEts get iiiit

[@meghansandor]

Haha thank you! I’m glad big daddy algorithm led you to my page 😉

[@DerrickJolicoeur]

Looks like you forgot to include the TikTok creator you mentioned at 31:00

[@eccod]

I enjoy a monogamish mix of RA and traditional relationships. I'm a straight cis man, but I fit almost none of the societal norms of masculinity. I hate the phrases "going somewhere" and "dating with intention". I never seek a partner to fill an open spot. Instead, I connect with people until one becomes my main focus and the others fall away naturally. I usually pause the escalator somewhere around step 4. Once I'm there, hierarchy and a small amount of enmeshment helps me feel more secure. I value my partner over most other people, because I'm neurospicy and I struggle to unmask around people I'm not romantically involved with. So much so that there's no way I'm ever moving beyond step 1 until I feel a strong emotional bond (I identify as grayromantic for this reason). It's complicated, but in the end labels are only descriptive, not prescriptive.

[@meghansandor]

I can relate to a lot of this! Thank you for sharing :)

[@luizr.5599]

Hey thanks for the great content! I'm an anarchist and I love RA. I don't know that we have to use the board you mentioned - I never saw it before. It does not describe all possible contents and I disliked it deeply. You did pronounce Pérez's name very well. Anyways, I subscribed to your channel and will look for other contents

[@meghansandor]

@@luizr.5599 thanks for subscribing and welcome to the space! Really happy to have you here ❤️

[@andynonymous6769]

You don't have to use it and I'd be willing to guess if you went to the source of the smorgasbord it probably has a disclaimer that it's not comprehensive

[@Bethany54845]

Again ..... brilliant content so big thumbs, but, too fast for me, I'm overwhelmed, so I'm off.

[@testboga5991]

I'm not sure what you say makes the sense you think it does

[@alistairhunter5724]

Who has the time for this especially if you work and have children, most people struggle to find the time and energy to keep there relationship with there partner and children.