Couples who maintain progress do THIS

[@AnaPsychology]

I am SO excited to announce that I've launched a 4+ hour relationship skills course: psychologywithdrana.learnworlds.com/course/the-connection-course For those of you who like videos such as this one and want more, definitely check it out :)

[@ramona8807]

A big moment when I knew I wanted to make it official with my partner was when I was having a bad day and crying on the floor, he came and layed next to me and played with my hair. When I was done he asked if I wanted to talk about it. I didn't, I just wanted someone to support me and let me process my emotions alone. Right then and there I knew that that was what I had been missing before with people who I was dating or in relationships with. I hate nothing more than someone trying to make me smile or talk when I'm sad.

[@BlackBat808]

This really shows how different everyone’s needs are! Someone trying to make me talk or smile is exactly what I need in that situation haha All the best to you both 💓

[@lindsaybing6696]

I definitely play devil's advocate too much in these conversations 😅I'm trying to work on that. But that makes me wonder, how can you still encourage your partner's personal growth if you never call them out when they're wrong? Like for instance if they're stressed about something that's actually their fault but they won't admit it, how can you go about validating their feelings but also try to help them see how they could have avoided the situation or dealt with it better to help them in the future?

[@ViTaLTSR]

I'm the same, and I also do a lot of problem solving thinking and suggestions ( also trying to change that a bit haha ) I'm wondering the same thing. I think in the first place, it's important to just focus on the emotions and not jump to problem solving right away. But at some point, especially if it's re-occuring, I think it becomes unhealthy to not ask the question of who's the problem. And I'm not sure saying your significant other is the problem is necessarily making them the enemy. You just have to be clear that the situation doesn't get better, that in order to solve the problem a more analytical approach might be better, and that if the husband or wife is the problem, it's ok because everyone has flaws and makes mistakes and it's an opportunity to maybe change for the better.

[@vrubin]

5:52 : Sometimes, emotions aren’t valid in the sense that they don’t fit the facts of the situation, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have the right to feel them. You can still validate the emotion without validating the reason for it.

[@lindsaybing6696]

@@vrubin Right, but the question is when/how is it appropriate to discuss the reasons

[@Luzkan]

Maybe, in the moment of things happening side with your partner. On a later occasion, when things have calmed down or when both of you are in a generally good mood, you can address the thing you've noticed and maybe have a productive discussion about it.

[@AnaPsychology]

This is such a great question, and something I was also wondering after I scheduled this video. I’m not sure that there’s one universal answer, but rather that we each have to decide, based on our own communication style and our partner’s emotional needs, at what point it is time for some constructive feedback versus just providing support. My guess is that feedback is sometimes necessary, and partners can help each other become better versions of themselves, but that this is certainly not necessary every time your partner wants to process something.

[@gooball2005]

At first I was a little confused about the suggestion that you shouldn't "defend the enemy" because I know from experience that my own assesment of other people isn't always fair and labeling them as "enemies" seems a bit dramatic. But I'm glad you clarified how to listen empathically without necessarily validating the negative opinions that are entangled with the underlying negative emotions. It sounds to me like these stress-reducing conversations are primarily for tending to each other's emotions, and ideally there would be a seperate time and place for factual conversations about each other's lives. As always, great video and thank you for putting it out there!

[@rkentwenger5095]

I think that maybe the "enemy" might not always be a person -- it could just be a bad/tough situation.

[@clockworkthoughts7830]

It should go without saying that this could apply to any relationship, not just romantic ones. My parent's have often been guilty of many of these mistakes with me, particularly "siding with the enemy" and trying to solve my problems. Until I started researching mental health and therapy, I had no idea why being given practical advice would make me so angry. Even my former therapist could be bad about both of these things sometimes (which is a big part of the reason why she is my "former" therapist instead of my "current" one).

[@n.m6249]

I don't know why this cute lady doesn't have a million followers yet. You are really helpful and we appreciate you sharing your wisdom with us

[@benice858]

these videos help me soooo much. to me, it is a really thorough course on how to be not only a good future partner to someone, but it also makes me re-evaluate myself and what I am doing making me aware of my own skills to become a better person overall.

[@timothymattnew]

I think this advice works with close friends too!

[@Marcusmedinas]

It’s hard to look at things from other peoples perspective or a overall view without bias but it’s always in the best interest of relationships with all kinds of people to put them first and make them feel wanted as they should

[@jennie22.02]

could you explore the ins and outs of emotional affairs, please, and what the difference is when someone is confiding in a friend / healthy way VS an emotional affair?

[@amiyasparks]

omg thanks for putting that into words. I just couldnt figure how to tell that to my boyfriend. He is helping, he has good intentions but he never learned to be an active listener or to paraphrase or too validate feelings. And i feel even more awful after sometimes. I'm literally just gonna make him watch this because he does 300x efforts when he knows that the info provided on how to be a better person come from a legit source.

[@Dseated]

Coulda used this video 5 years ago. But I'll try not to make the same mistakes. Thanks Anna!

[@zs9710]

Omg this advice is so so spot on. In my last relationship, I practically begged my ex to just listen empathetically when I was venting/upset about something. Almost always without fail, he would jump to giving advice and it was the most annoying and frustrating thing, especially when I was actively upset (sometimes crying) about something and just wanted a shoulder to lean on. The amount of times I tried to break it down for him and he would paint me out to be irrational or weird for wanting just a listening ear was…infuriating 🤦🏽‍♀️

[@jonshannon1025]

Wow, thank you very much for this video! My wife and I reinforce each others days everyday and enjoy discussing the events of the day. We are totally supportive and genuinely interested with each others daily interactions with others.

[@440SPN]

I like the idea of validating their feelings even though you may not agree with the cause. Great video.🎉

[@sanecatlady]

I definitely have a problem with active listening; many times, instead of just listening to my boyfriend when he talks about work, I'm trying to multitask. Sometimes he'll call me while I'm very focused on a project and I don't want to break my flow. I'm not used to being the listener and comforter; I'm used to others doing that for me. That's why sometimes I feel like I could be a better girlfriend if I just did more things for him

[@DannyBoy443]

I've noticed (especially w/ my ADHD) that when I reflect the information I heard back to the person, they seem a little perturbed or miffed because instead of verifying the information, they feel like I "shouldn't have to" check the information w/ them. Can be tough.

[@rlinlo32]

thank you so much for these videos i have anxiety and was having anxiety figuring out how to stay w my partner long term (first healthy relationship, never have seen an example of healthy relationship in my life) because i love him and care for him. i wanna be the best partner and ensure to my best ability everytjing goes smooth (anxiety)😭😭working on it. but still thank you!!

[@stellastella4418]

I would totally research more on stress reduction conversations! Thank you!

[@soulure]

Once dated a bod narcissist and me coddling them just enabled their shitty enemy behavior to anyone. Sometimes it's important to not blindly support a toxic partner.

[@soulure]

Bpd

[@Pssst.ByTheWay]

This Is Absolutely Perfect Guide to listening to other people are the General With is such I PET Peeve of mine So few people can actually listen in the way where are you feel positive and heard at the end of the conversation. I’m actually going to be sending this to people as a guide

[@richardw3347]

I thought it was a good insight to validate their feelings even if you don't agree with what caused it. like I'm sorry you feel hurt it was not my intention to make it sound like that, etc. A video on different journal entries or questions to help provoke thoughts on self discovery or any thing really would be good. ask and you shall receive. lol

[@davidthomspson9771]

I have a freind who is always telling me their problems yet never once has asked me how I am doing,if I bring anything up they just ignore it and keep on talking about their life.

[@flor18gatar]

that's not a friend, consider binging it up with them. Seeing how they take it will affirm whether you should keep them around or cut them out. Be kind to others but be mindful of when you're being kind at your own expense.

[@davidthomspson9771]

@@flor18gatar I understand

[@davidthomspson9771]

@Truth Balm 😔

[@The1stKing]

I love your videos so much. They are really educational for dummies like myself. If only I have discovered this channel sooner.

[@Lynn-uh4ul]

2:50 It is difficult when it comes to „enemies“ that my partner is still close to, like toxic parents. Because they vent but get offended when you side with them against their partner. In those situations, just comfort them and say the opposite of their parent‘s hurtful words.

[@The_Cowwwthem]

I haven’t been watching these bc im single so not a couple and im glad ur able to help others

[@sarahgaither3626]

I really love your videos on relationships. They give me so much to think about. I'm working on being a more active listener.

[@lunawolfheart336]

Thank you for this vid. I've been having some recent relationship issues due to my own trauma really being triggered and my partner being absolutely exhausted so he can't be around as much. In trying to learn ways to communicate better to make this work

[@DaniPrays]

I totally understand this method and it does work. It takes one willing to stop problem solving which is often what males are programmed to do for survival. I can see how this can be difficult for some. I think there is a place and time for listening and problem solving. When my wife is in tears and in emotion, I comfort. After she feels better, I think it’s important to find out how to solve the matter. It’s best to have her think about it first, but it’s also important to give her input because what are best friends or life partners for….to help each other because optimally, you know each other best. As far as sidling with her…I don’t think it’s beneficial to her if she indeed is the problem. The key is timing, tact, and having true intentions of helping your partner.

[@Zukinnicalcetini]

Your relationship videos are the best!

[@cryptogames299]

Yes. Yes I did. Because I was active listening.

[@TroyJamesMonger]

More excellent tools, Ana! Making space for understanding sounds like a powerful way to practice empathy to me. Hope your research is going well. Love the videos :D

[@Incomodiana]

Thanks for your info! As usual, great video and pertinent content 😊

[@oambitiousone7100]

You helped me see that this was a big imbalance in my relationship. I felt used as the sounding board but rarely felt invited to do the same. AND if I was stressed or frustrated he tried to make it go away or criticized my work or told me to change jobs.

[@shannonpickens7695]

Venting is good. Supporting is good. What is bad… that the partner has an issue and the opposite party doesn’t fix a problem… such as a drinking problem etc. the absent partner definitely drives the other to an emotional, sometimes physical affair. no doubt

[@khannablithecortes8895]

Please make a video on the psychology of workplace gossip and what you can do if you are the root of workplace gossip.

[@lord_niiich3_222]

Yay a new Ana video 😄

[@patrickrad1735]

Great job 😊

[@GaryOPostle]

I would guess it has something to do with check-in or self-awareness I realise that I don't have those de-stressing conversations with anyone in my family because they never get off their phones when were together as a family

[@BaronVeyer]

Sigh. I'm guilty of the "trying to solve the problem" bit. I also usually tend not to share my own problems unless the other person can solve, or at least assist in solving them because... what's the point? I would just end up burdening them. On one hand I see value in this self-reliance, but I also realise it makes me come across as distant and closed-off.

[@liltrinax]

hey Ana, Can you do a video on active listening. How you learned how to effectively change this bad habit in your life? I struggle with this so it’ll be awesome if you do!

[@smills805]

I would hope people would catch themselves before they create a 'work wife' or 'work husband' and realize they need to keep working at the relationship. Obviously at some point if the relationship is really tanking them its time to separate.

[@za7304]

Definitely need to do stress relieving activities

[@pierre5594]

I got it right because if the thumbnail lol. Thanks for the vid (:

[@LowestofheDead]

Thank you so much for these videos - this is such important information and I'm glad there's someone out there saying these things so clearly and explicitly.

[@brandensteele4486]

Ana, your skin is GOALS. What is your routine?

[@CromulentEmbiggening]

Do you have any videos on being a better listener in general? I find I'm always asking the questions that make me *seem* like a good listener but I'm terrible at focussing on what people are saying and being interested.

[@kateginger]

Dr K is a psychiatrist and has a video about good communication, I'm not sure if that's what you are looking for, but it's very useful knowledge.

[@CromulentEmbiggening]

@@kateginger I watched that, it's 10/10 best video on communication and listening I have ever seen! It's the "A Psychiatrists' Guide to Conversation" video. Was exactly what I was looking for!

[@ioannak.4690]

What if you're venting and your partner has nothing to say about this moment. And you feel not understood and relaxed because he doesnt communicate his thoughts, or validation to you (I unsterstand etc.). What you do then?

[@patrickrad1735]

Keep it up 👍 😊

[@taahirattaariq143]

my guess: communication and new experiences

[@josecolzani8485]

thanks for this video

[@DannyBoy443]

Natural Ana. I like it. Also, this is easier said than done for most people lmao. She says its simple but, these days, lets be real. People want to steer their relationships. Instead of 1. being friends w/ you ( potential) S.O.'s first. then 2) dating enough to go from friends to adding.entering the intimate layer/area. THAT makes the rest simple.

[@nihalhathaway4089]

act as a team!

[@babys8640]

thanks so much for this video! can you make a video on how to regain trust in a relationship? not necessarily bc of cheating but also when the couple broke up and then got back together and my other question is: idk if that’s kinda like the same problem you’re talking about in this video or if its something else but everyone likes to „gossip“ a little with their partner, do they? like just telling them what’s going on in xyz‘s life because xyz is a good friend and they care about them. everytime me and my partner do this we end up feeling very stressed. because we kinda like take the things other people do in their life personally (?) and like the view of our partner on the situation lowkey tells you something about how he views our relationship. like if A and B break up and my partner tells me „i’m happy for them their shared friends didn’t cause any drama during the break up“ and i think because of this „oh okay so if he’s worried about drama with shared friends after a break up that means he has thought about breaking up and how it’d affect our shared friends“ how do we stop this? never talking about other people again sounds kinda impossible in a relationship and also boring

[@shotwheels4029]

I understand that playing devil's advocate will just make your poor partner feel like they have to defend themselves to you in addition to whoever they have conflict with. But itsnt it a thinking trap to indulge the binary of "enemy" in the context of everyday interpersonal conflict? If you two are getting married, and your partner is having a conflict with their sister due to the stress of the planning, is it realistic or helpful to mentally label the sister "our enemy", even temporarily? Seems like a major left turn to me. Like no you're just people and you're stressed... On the same side of that coin, I don't see how adding the label of enemy would aid in seeing that situation clearer for anybody.

[@buriedtoodeep1508]

0:43 I think the answer to the first question has to do with external reinforcement. Specifically, friends, relatives, workmates who may inadvertently undermine therapy efforts mid process - a process they are not part of. Their opinion may be sought out as the person may be overly resisting any change or feeling victimized (ha) and slinking back to 'echo chambers' with loaded discourse. edit - oops, kind of interpreted the question as to what was disrupting the process..

[@m2pozad]

I'll guess that- the couple's intentions and expectations going in are reflected in the couple's progress when leaving and carrying forward.

[@m2pozad]

I hate holding answers to other's stated problems. Whining to others about problems and not wanting responses seems unbalanced or manipulative.

[@meagles1333]

Great video!

[@oreradovanovi5204]

Strange, I didn't have idea what to write... But most is what I do already, - the solution making for other, - my term for venting... But I'm in therapy, I'm working on it😅

[@bigfrug]

My guess is the stress reducing convo lol. But fr I guess it’s just that they really implement the changes and talk openly about what’s going on, and swallow their pride and accept that they need to change things and that’s okay.

[@moonriversou]

Okay, I love your channel so much!

[@oliverrojas3185]

The successful couplle still have an appreciation for one another while the unsuccessful couple no longer appreciate on e another

[@patrickrad1735]

Great

[@oliverrojas3185]

Thanks

[@diannamadriaga7179]

I think this is for me

[@5m4llP0X]

I don't know if solution-focused is a guy thing, but I have heard it way too often as something the male partner does when their companion vents with an issue. I know I'm guilty of it, and I've been trying to ask "Do you want me to help you come up with solutions?" and it hurts to be rejected -- I feel like I can't do anything to ease their pain. Do you know how to fix that mindset?

[@Brightly2109]

intro ends at 0:45

[@phuongmi9570]

I wish stress-reducing conversations are much easier to bring up but there are people out there who have a hard time opening up to their partner and would push them away, then would go off and find support literally anywhere else but their partner. This behavior soon makes both the pusher and pushee grow resentment towards their relationship for the lack of communication, trust, and “teamwork”. I wonder, how do you go about effectively addressing this issue to a partner who constantly reassures that they’re fine, refuses to talk about anything that has to do with their stress, worries, and concerns, but then goes off to find comfort in other places? Is this someone that’s worth sticking around for? Because it appears that they have issues with trust and vulnerability in a relationship.

[@larrylac4796]

It’s natural for people to move away from their problems, first, they don’t know how to solve their problems in the first place,why face a problem and suffer emotionally without solutions ? So , either escape, pretend ,or try to engage to some other subject, it’s about pain/pleasure. Relationship have deep connection with pain/pleasure 😂

[@naaro_____]

Im guessing the answer is they had a conversation taking accountability?

[@flores50588]

damn another video about the gottman method

[@YaBoiKrac]

At the start of the video, I was guessing selfishness and lack of empathy could be at play.

[@alyona_egorova]

That's an amazing blouse! I assume it's Romanian traditional clothing :)

[@fishscales28]

I am kind of thinking sometimes the enemy thing can be subjective like for example my mom has many times ended up, she can be emotionally abusive sometimes and for that reason I or a sibling has ended up the 'enemy' without being at fault and its like the parents just sort of gang up on us, I agree that it may be ineffective to, say hey you shouldn't be abusive to this person but. I guess the thing is Ive seen many people be the one who was being abusive like yelling at someone or hitting them then making them 'the enemy' for something and if this ends up not addressed in times of calmness it just furthers the abuse cycle

[@fishscales28]

Its like maybe it just irks you when the one who hurt you gets support when you end up crying somewhere and abused further for crying, I think sometimes its like I don't get why older adults just lash out and think theyre so in the right for being pissed you didn't meet their expectations and you end up more hurt than them

[@avocedo975]

If you only do this when in cases where your partner is clearly at fault, your partner will be doomed to repeat tasting the consequences of their fault, do this then after they calm down point out their "mistake" so they can learn and be better.

[@florestinavanitas1640]

I love your shirt :)

[@lalolbc]

I don’t have a partner.

[@paolovarsi2959]

It's ok

[@leonard0104]

So not be honest and take their side always too protect your ass? lol But very interesting topics, thanks. That was the only thing that baffled me a bit.

[@sarahshanahan2222]

Sometimes your partner is in the wrong... how do you handle this?

[@yamiletgarcia2818]

Check ins?

[@jeribertopower7611]

What do you do if its their fault, they are in the wrong and hurt the other party?

[@patrickrad1735]

🇰🇷🇨🇦🎥🎭👸🚙🚙🚙🚙🚙🚙🚙🚙🚙🚙🚙🚙🚙🚙🚙🚙🚙🚙🚙🚙🚙🚙🚙🚙💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛💛🎅😇🎁🎄

[@arrozfrenetico6615]

But what if the partner really is on the wrong?

[@nirgunawish]

just got broken up with

[@redstar1162]

communication i guess

[@EfraimNkengurutse]

does that mean that we cant play the devil"s advocate even when our partner is wrong??

[@ALu-nq8rf]

Me saying the earrings are coming off next time I see the person who wronged my boo.

[@rEEvEs-]

She looks North Indian/Pakistani to me. Never knew she is from Romania.

[@peteryu9866]

Good for your relationship bad for humanity.. That's how I took this, Lol :)

[@fishingwithfilitsa]

🥰🥰❤❤❤❤

[@johnnyguitar7921]

im in love with you, L.O.V.E

[@freddiesealy7035]

Ana psychology

[@freddiesealy7035]

Ana psychology

[@lovehellmusic]

Holy shit I am the second comment

[@tankbyers9838]

I need a girlfriend so bad

[@sabbottart]

This is why I try to never talk with people. They babble endlessly about themselves and just need a warm body who pretends to listen.

[@GalacticNovaOverlord]

That sounds like a self report like you want that. I do admit many people think inwards, of themselves, especially in some societies.