D.A.R.V.O and Sex Addiction | Dealing With Gaslighting | Dr. Doug Weiss

Dr. Doug Weiss, licensed psychologist and author, has helped thousands of couples deal with sex addiction for over 30 years. In this video, the doctor discusses the defensive but controlling strategy known as D.A.R.V.O.
Being married or in a relationship with a sex addict isn’t easy, especially when trying to discuss the issues of their sex addiction. However, in the process of doing so, many are subjected to a manipulative strategy by the other in order to avoid the confrontation.
D.A.R.V.O stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse, Victim, and Offender Role.
As the spouse/significant other confronts the sex addict, the individual first denies their behavior and the issue. They then attack the confronter with criticism and accuses them of being controlling. The person takes control of the conversation and reverses it so they are the victim and their partner is the offender.
In dealing with this strategy, remember to stay in reality. If they’re not wanting to be responsible about the issue, you don’t need to discuss it with them at the moment. Until they choose to be mature, they will turn the conversation back at you and that’s not healthy. If you know it’s not going to be healthy, don’t participate.
This situation may come up often as a couple moves from dysfunction to hopefully healthy and functional. However, remember that during this time of the recovery process, don’t be alone. Have good encouraging people to support you. Focus on your healing as well.
For more information on Partner Betrayal Trauma®, go to partnerbetraya...
For the Partner Betrayal Trauma DVD, visit: www.drdougweis...
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www.drdougweis...
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For more information on Sex Addiction, go to www.sexaddict.com
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Doug Weiss, Ph.D., is a nationally known author, speaker and licensed psychologist. He is the executive director of Heart to Heart Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, Colorado, and the author of several books including, “Partner Betrayal Trauma™”.
You may contact Dr. Weiss via his website, www.drdougweis... or on his Facebook / drdougweiss
by phone at 719-278-3708
or through email at [e-mail]

[@belindariojasjones2540]

Today I asked him what he was going to do to repair the damage of his infidelity and all the damage he’s caused, including smearing my name to my adult children and their spouses. He didn’t have an answer, “ I don’t know” was all he said. No remorse, instead did exactly as you described. It was my fault because I denied him sex he said ( a sex addict ) and did the blame shifting. I immediately interrupted as you mentioned, and walked away. Then he begins blowing up my phone. I plan to join your women’s group. Thank you for sharing all of this eye opening information and knowledge. Definitely God sent. Blessings to you.

[@DrDougWeiss]

Glad it helped and that you are taking steps for yourself.

[@annagerebo6561]

Thanks Dr Weiss! You're right talking to someone whose only interest is blameshifting is useless. Create boundaries and start living a healthy life for yourself is THE ONLY WAY!

[@melodiousmelis6357]

Thank you so very much. I have never heard it described quite so well- that you become an object and no longer are treated like a soul with value.

[@margaretchaney5627]

Thank you for talking about this DARVO. I KNEW I was being devalued & unheard with no attempt at change or any empathy for what he did against me. But I did not know that the moment spoke of his bad, hisI mind went to denying me my basic humanity. Now I know thanks to you! How does change happen?

[@DrDougWeiss]

He would have to want to change and find out the causes for his behavior; it's not a one size fits all. You might want to get support to heal from these experiences.

[@shawnaddis688]

@@DrDougWeiss I want to change and get to the bottom of my “whys”. What group or resources do you recommend between now and 5-day Intensive set several months from now?

[@DrDougWeiss]

You could do a telephone session in the meantime to get a head start. You can also call our main office to get more information and resources depending on your situation.

[@shawnaddis688]

@@DrDougWeiss Thank you Sir! I will follow up on Men’s phone groups and continue with your many resources. Your “Helping Her Heal” was a powerful and information-rich resource, and I am currently working through your “Emotional Fitness” book which has already helped me connect many of the dots I have failed to see thus far. I am eager to meet at our upcoming Intensive and work through the failures. Thank you for responding and for all your videos and resources! They have been a true Blessing.

[@momeinne4310]

Thank you so much for sharing this! It is so true and really difficult to identify in the moment when it is occurring until you learn the perspective of what is causing it.

[@DrDougWeiss]

You are so welcome!

[@rethatew1617]

This is amazing we have someone like dr. Weiss to help in these situations I wish I have known about this years ago. I'm trying to learn everything I can so I can help my children or anyone else I come across in trouble in their marriage Retha Fla

[@staylor8847]

This is exactly what I have been through and even after I left it got worse. I finally had a breakdown, and in court he recieved temporary cousdady. After so long, and covid19 I have only been able to see my children since 2019 about 9times...

[@shyking4524]

I'm still looking for solution but you help me a lot but still need more 🙏

[@DrDougWeiss]

You can seek counseling for your specific issue. You can do local counseling or call us at 719-278-3708 for more information.

[@gracecollier5538]

I have only just found your videos and so far helping me. We have been in therapy with a sex addict psychologist for 17 months. However, my partner has just failed a polygraph on ALL questions. He is denying he has done anything and keeps saying "he is staying true to himself and his sobriety and that he will continue to reassure me and understands I'm traumatised again" I don't know what to believe my partner or the polygraph. He passed his 1st polygraph Failed his 2nd polygraph on masturbation - but disclosed acting IN behaviours prior and post (denies ever masturdating). Failed his 3rd polygraph on being on dating sites/apps, being with someone else sexually since his last polygraph and failed the question regarding his sobriety since October 2020. His 1st and 2nd polygraph were done by the same assessor then the 3rd we moved back to NZ so is a new polygraph assessor

[@DrDougWeiss]

Polygraph regulation are different with each state and country. Regardless of his recovery or lack of it, you can choose to heal. You might consider doing a 5 day intensive. We also have a Partners phone group and Facebook group that can give you support if you'd like to join. www.drdougweiss.com/partner-group/ facebook.com/groups/partnersofsa/

[@abigaledavis1223]

This is what I am going through. I’m hurting. He has does the cycle you described to me for several years.

[@DrDougWeiss]

The pain and trauma you've been through are real. The DVDs Unstuck, Why Do I Stay When It Doesn't Make Sense, and Partner Betrayal Trauma could be helpful for you. www.drdougweiss.com/product/unstuck-dvd/ www.drdougweiss.com/product/why-do-i-stay-dvd/ www.drdougweiss.com/product/partner-betrayal-trauma-dvd/ You can also consider talking to a counselor/coach for guidance and healing. Call us at 719-278-3708. If you'd like, we have a Married & Alone phone group and Facebook group that you can join for support. You are not alone in this. www.drdougweiss.com/married-and-alone-group/ facebook.com/groups/MarriedandAlone/

[@teresanolivo4075]

I was living with a sex addict until he kicked me out and told me I was crazy. I'm suing him. Porn is abuse and that's a crime. I hate him. He was just looking at pictures. I never said pictures was ok. I need a lawyer. He was on dating sites too. Sex hook up sites. I don't know what he did to me. I'm suing him. It's abuse.

[@sonjaengland2338]

Finally a name for it.

[@rubberducky1507]

Omg help ... he says he’s clean for one year ... but still won’t touch me sexually and is still gaslighting!!

[@DrDougWeiss]

He can verify he is clean with a polygraph. Check out the DVD "Sexless & Married" and also intimacyanorexia.com www.drdougweiss.com/product/sexless-married-dvd/

[@abeloveddaughter]

Can we point out this is what they are doing? DARVO ... I know he is in Complete denial. And this is exactly what he does to me.

[@georgefontledo1294]

Girlfriend has been a problem with this an brought groups around in woods for herself in institute now getting out soon an i wish to help her but im tired of being lied to an disrespected.

[@DrDougWeiss]

She would need to want to get help.

[@brookescott9598]

Sounds right on!

[@ipaycloseattention]

My sex addict has ended the relationship every time I catch him or bring up his acting out. Then he begs me back days or weeks later.

[@junehoward3923]

Powerful!

[@Tinasmindfugrowth]

Dr. Weiss, Throughout the 2 years my husband has been in recovery for Porn addiction he D.A.R.V.O.ed me. Now he dropped 4 big bombs (after 2 full disclosures and many staggered disclosures) He dropped them because he said he couldn’t live like that anymore do to my relentless questioning, my gut told me there was more. there I still think there is more, I believe he physically cheated, after all, I just now got the full truth, not only did he tip the dancers at a Strip club, but he had a Lab dance as well, 36 years ago. He passed 2 lie detector tests, even though he lied through his teeth . I have not been able to eat, and he got angry and told me that is not his fault…………What do you recommend we should do? I have zero trust in him, but want this marriage.

[@DrDougWeiss]

Your pain and trauma from this are valid. You could talk to a counselor/coach about this or do an intensive together (can include psychological testing and a polygraph). You might also consider neuromodulation for your trauma. Your husband could watch the "Helping Her Heal" DVD and "Healing Her Heart After Relapse" DVD to help understand how you feel and help you heal. For additional support, we have a Partners of Sex Addicts phone group and Facebook group you can join. You are not alone in this. www.drdougweiss.com/partner-group/ facebook.com/groups/partnersofsa/

[@Tinasmindfugrowth]

@@DrDougWeiss thank you so much for your advice!! He is going to do that 700 question test over the weekend. His new Therapist is having him do the discloser plus polygraph over again. He has done the helping her heal and started the intimacy anorexia group with his therapist. I was able to talk to my coach and thanks to you I have been doing Cereset. It finally started helping after 10 plus sessions. Is that what you are talking about? I was considering an intensive just for me, now I got to rethink that. FYI, I am working on my aasat coaching certification and are currently studing your intimacy anorexia and partner's recovery training and hope to be personally learning from you soon. You got my upmost respect. Thank you for everything you have done and are doing 🙏 .

[@heatherdavis5085]

TY

[@aderibigbeadewale5873]

✍🏽✍🏽✍🏽✍🏽

[@ropeswingify]

Not only guys pulling this stuff. I've got a gal pulling this shit as well. She sleeps with some cat and it's (my) fault. I should have done this.. Or that. F'ing crazy town. Like I'm stupid. It's scary. Unfortunately sometimes we've Fallin in love with these wackos. Ugh