Why Do We People Please?

[@DarrenFMagee]

Hi all. Just a reminder I'll be streaming live tonight at 8pm (UK time) looking at ways to improve confidence and resilience

[@peteadams6716]

Wish I'd seen this sooner would have liked to see the live stream. Is there likely to be more on people pleasing and how to stop being one?

[@oceanaoushn8803]

My cell phone failed me: I missed this live stream. Which taught me to NOT completely rely on a gadget

[@jrod7017]

Thank you, Darren. This hits home. I can now see another reason why I am often an easy target, and how I ended up in this mess of a marriage life. I can easily identify how I have grown in my professional, scholastic, and relational life aspects; yet, in my marriage, only recently, I have hit rage and resistance because I have become more relational, responsible, and healthy, instead of codependent, reactive, and fearful. This feels like working-out; there is pain and strain, but being/feeling stronger and healthier is so great! I can't go back. Thanks again, Darren.

[@realhealing7802]

People pleasing started in my childhood. I come from a family full of toxic people. If I said no, I would be punished. I finally went no contact with my entire toxic family. No is a complete sentence.

[@alexbaird2670]

I can SO relate to this being a people pleaser. It's not healthy and we are open to abuse.

[@VioFax]

being a flying monkey means taking responsibility for the narcissist. Therefore making you an acting tendril of their will. And can even make you one of them.

[@PrinceofCorinthians]

Yes, the doctor touched every point indepth and relates to other disorders or co dependency. He is profound expert who knows every pros and cons

[@Lizzie-sk7ln]

I tried to please others, searching for some kind of validation that I was a good, kind loving person. My mother & sister are both Narcs who treated me horrendously, so I sought the validation through helping others. I ended up being used....badly.

[@VioFax]

Thats its own form of narcassism. seeking validation from others is just a different flavor of the same selfish behavior.

[@trying2survive602]

Yep, everything Darren said here is what I have been struggling with for years. No more! I am taking my power back!! Stay strong, Lizzie!!

[@Jess-kn8vl]

@@VioFax Like he said its not a form of coercion its in a context of avoiding conflict. Your comment is harsh.

[@AprilMartinChartrandMS]

Same here.

[@chicane7752]

Its not a form of narcissism or selfishness. It’s survival mode.

[@robertmessam103]

This is the kind of information, the people who have been abused need.

[@TFFgeek]

I used to be everybody's friend once in my life, which of course left me without any friend or respect. This was because I wanted to be liked/accepted. Thankfully I understood that it got me nowhere and I just focused on evolving myself, not listening to what anyone thought of me.

[@VioFax]

People don't like anybody but themselves. They put on acts depending on whos watching and thats about it... stay focused on your own desires and goals. nobody cares about you more than you do.

[@therealcoywolf5985]

It sounds so simple but it 's such a hard thing to come to terms with.

[@mcm9619]

It's exhausting being a people pleaser! Wish I knew this decades ago. Thank you .

[@kimberlykuhn4724]

I've lost myself people pleasing. It's affected my health and motivation levels. I feel like it's ruining my life. I long to be isolated & alone. But I love my family. I don't even know what I like anymore. The people who know me, don't even honestly know me. How can they when I let others think I like or want what I don't. Now I'm at the point I feel like nothing but support for others. I don't even know really who I am anymore, or what I want. I've lost direction.

[@theideaplace]

I think it's more that they were taught they had low value growing up... so trying to create value so people will love them.. by being thoughtful... giving and caring... if only we had more people like this in a growing narcissistic society

[@trying2survive602]

I always felt that I wasn't worth being around as myself, so being a people pleaser meant that I was liked. I was taught this way of thinking because my father wasn't around much. I am working on myself now! Thank you, Darren!!

[@andreadonegan4780]

Indeed they are conditioned that way. I’m a recovering codependent/people pleaser raised by narcissists.

[@21Casey50]

Darren I love the Irish! This is a well organize presentation on this topic. I have been a people pleaser my whole life. I am learning how to say no. It is a full sentence. Take back your power and self respect. Self respect is Joy! Sir I am a big fan. Thank You!

[@jannekeij1150]

Thank you, as painful as it is, thank you.

[@derek5168]

Only be good to those who treat you with respect the rest of them tell them to get lost

[@yvetteandjorgenlarsen9753]

Hi, Darren! I took a whole page of notes... I started out thinking you were making 2 or 3 good points, then noticed the page was already 2/3 full. Honestly, I've watched at least 40 of your videos, and I don't recall ever taking ANY notes. Never thought I'd find myself in THIS video... I'm so grateful you gave some reasons 'why' that line up (because I never wanted a video to be over so badly😢). A few days ago I watched your Dependency video, which got my attention. But now I 'see' that You clearly know my secrets that were hidden even from me! I'm crying, distressed; maybe also relieved... I want to Thank You so much, Darren, because I needed to hear this. I've already carried it a lifetime. You opened the door... for healing. Wow! God bless you!😘

[@mattshomeworld]

I grew up with 8 siblings with a drug addicted mother and drunk father and both are narcissist. I'm the second child and have always had to compete to get just a second of attention. I learned to become a people pleaser to gain attention by helping neighbors or school teachers during my childhood and now it follows me into adulthood. My main issue I struggle with now is that I avoid conflict at all cost and will give in to please that person, I also have a fear of being hated or disliked that adds to my pleasing. Now that I'm in my early 40's I've started to push back a little and will stand my ground with my boss sometimes and starting to say no to my friends and family when I'm just tired, I cave in 80% of the time still.

[@mm669]

I learned the hard way too as a former people pleaser, the more you give, the more you are expected to give with some people.

[@izawaniek2568]

People pleasing is killing us from the inside and then by the actions of other people from the outside as well. When I think what kind of terrible damage do parents to their children by the various forms they hurt their children with, I find it hard to believe. I am a recovering codependent and people pleaser and my life has been so difficult and painful and it has been exactly the way you have described. Thank you for your help and support Darren. God bless you ❤

[@imnoel8214]

"Nice is a way to avoid the consequences of conflict". I'm learning that saying "yes" against my own needs and feelings is not being honest with myself or others, and makes me a magnet for narcissists who will get a kick out of my putting up with their poor treatment of me. I'm not very good at being someone I'm not, so I'll take the "no" road thanks.

[@jammyjay917]

Exactly....I was brought up to people please....now I'm middle age, and have my own Family, at last I'm learning to distance myself, say no and put myself first, not easy after years of people pleasing but I'm looking out for me now...its about time

[@jee4899]

When you have no support or any family that care about you, people pleasing is a desperate attempt to escape loneliness and falsely hoping you have found a friend who will care for you.

[@dubliner1303]

My ‘friend’ turned out to be a Narc.

[@michelejones5538]

Wow! Yup. That’s me. I gotta learn to stop. This is killing me.

[@coopersmom8339]

Always very helpful. You're helping people tremendously. Thank you Darren.

[@AprilMartinChartrandMS]

Being punished for saying NO. Being beaten for saying NO. Being slapped for saying NO. Being bullied and made fun of for saying NO. Being harassed for saying NO... then the person would yell, scream, hit me till I said Yes. All happened as a child, adult...in the work place and in many social settings. People would beg and make fun of you if you did not say yes their their demands/request. Or.. they would just take what they wanted w/o asking. Just learning how to navigate my NO as a complete sentence w/o explanation.

[@yamlwoz]

Oh man!!! This video is pure gold. I exhibit so many of these traits, yet I'm worlds apart from the shrinking and terrified violet that I used to be. I've come so far, but obviously still have a way to go. Maybe when my main abuser passes away I can achieve some more. She's 87. I should have left her in the dust decades ago.

[@GldnClaw]

Don't be passive. Leave her behind, tell her off, whatever you need.

[@liamong129]

Hi everyone, I stumbled on this video and wanted some advice. My name is Liam and pretty much everything was said in this video speaks and applies to me. Growing up in a third world country my asian parents and family would be very kind to me a supportive so there was no way I could say no or be disrespectful in any way. Thats what I have always said to myself or would really love to belive. I was badly hurt one time when I accidentaly broke one of our plates, my hand sliped and the plate fell but it was my fault because I shoudl have been watching where I was putting my hands, It was my fault because I should have asked someone that was more capable, It was my fault because I should be taking care of the plate and its hard enough to put food on the table, I should be thankful I wasent kicked out of the house. even then I was kicked out of the house and got brused because I was so scared and coulden't stand up for myself. I have a tendancy to think positivly about every situation when I was hurt, bullied, made fun of. I made excuses for them to not start a fight with friends or family. when I was blamed I would sit there crying for the mistakes I have done leading up wishing I didnt make that mistake, When I stopped crying the only thing in my mind was to create a version of myself that was able to tolerate pain from others withouth bottling it up and even withouth expressing them. I created this imagination where everone has it wose than me, I only deserve the worst adn should be greatful for everything that was handed to me or even the things I worked hard on myself. I had a great girlfriend and she was very nice to me or so thast what I think. She would always blame me for her problems even though I dont know how I created some of them, she would tell me it was my fault because of this and that and I would whole heartedy belive it because I was afraid to start a conflic. i would hate to talk about my feeling to anyone because that showed how weak I was to others, when they think Im weak I would get exploited more or more problems would keep coming up. Right now Im 19 years old and only just realized how much I actually suffered throught my life. I couldent even properly grieve for myself and made lies to stop myself from getting hurt. I cant even cry anymore after I turned 16, In school I was honor student, I thought that would make my life easier but then I was responsible for keepoing myself above the rest. Honestly it did, I met neards like me, teachers that helped me honestly and almost no one asked for help anymore because they saw me as their equal striving to become better. The only problems were I was up in this metaphoricly hierachy of studens, I was seen as a robot with no emotions, I couldent make mistakes, the slightest mistake could impact me horribly, if I couldent complete a task or assignment I would think the teacher hates me now, She might think Im slacking, Im being a bad studnet again. Sorry for rambling but thank you for being able to read some of my story, I have low self esteem but I do want the best for myself. Thank you

[@GldnClaw]

It's tough, but you've taken a step in the right direction watching this.

[@chelly2468]

The last few seconds here>>>>> thank you sir.

[@Jess-kn8vl]

After learning about boundaries, codependency etc and going no contact my mother still kept getting messages through in different ways. But the things she said like pulling out the "you" statements, was obvious as to why I was codependent. Growing up it was like a brainwashing and if I didnt seem like I gave up enough of my self there was punishment. And even if I was successful, there was resentment for that too.

[@jonathanclayton9107]

Toxic people try and destroy People plrasers. I know I have experienced it first hand. They have a radar for our type

[@Historybuffhere]

Great topic! I have struggled with this all of my life, fortunately therapy and Al-Anon have helped a great deal. What you said at the end is something I have learned, but which was very difficult to put into practice: “no is a complete sentence.” It has gotten better, and when I find myself resorting to this behavior, I can now do some digging to figure out what is behind it in that particular situation, and maybe give myself the pat on the back/approval I am seeking from others. Another good mantra for me has been “what people think of me is none of my business.” Love your videos, and I’m glad your subscriber count continues to increase!

[@marknease1631]

Thank you, Tania. You gave me some powerful tips to begin recovery.

[@GamerGrrrlAlex2.0]

I feel so called out in this video. Even though saying no is still difficult, I am starting to be able to look out for myself and not let people take advantage of me as much. I swear your videos call to mind so many incidents that (even though the memory may hurt) are very helpful because I am slowly getting better. One day at a time, one step at a time and ultimately one "no" at a time. Thank you so much for all the amazing videos.

[@ThuroVision-tt]

Thank you

[@stacyharvey1383]

Alright, who's been spying on me?! Seriously, a lot of this could easily describe me.

[@user-ey4rc5tu4t]

Yes. Definitely. People pleaser. Off topic: We had a tornado roll through last week. A lot of neighbors lost everything. We were spared. My husband checked on my mother, 80 years old. Many roads were closed, and I decided to stay home from work and not add to the chaos. My mom drives up in her BMW, toots her horn and waits for me to come answer her siren song. I haven’t had truck with her since my father passed. She was waiting for my husband to come home, so she could take him to go snoop after the storm. She asked where he was, and I didn’t know, because he said he needed to get some things done. Then I said something like we were lucky to have been spared. She said, “Well, that is true.” As if, I was lying about everything else I’d said. Still trying to gaslight. Provoke me into trying to explain why I wasn’t lying. I have literally haven’t seen her outside of passing on the road for years, and she was still trying to gaslight. I just looked off into the void and went inside. One of my great aunts just celebrated her 100th birthday. 😕

[@newfamilyghasacanada4817]

This video described who I am 100%! It’s a very sad condition! I’ve been used, I’ve been taken an advantage of. I turn to overthrust everyone and believe people are kind. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt 😢. The remuneration of this kind of my behaviour is extreme hurt and pain. I need serious therapy!

[@CelesteHolographic-ul3ce]

I no longer people please , I have developed respect for social settings . I practise equal give and take I no longer have a fear of mutually beneficial interactions

[@thescapegoatclub]

and again... my automatic behaviour... right here! it's so hard to change, the discomfort is real!!

[@PrinceofCorinthians]

Just excellent. I am compelled to write. Brief compact and in-depth knowledge. Best vedio on people pleasing ever seen.

[@PrinceofCorinthians]

Sir please make a vedio on co dependency, cpstd, hoarding, histionic disorder,fawning

[@DarrenFMagee]

@PrinceofCorinthians hi I’ve made videos on histrionic and CPTSD previously if you’d find those helpful. Thank you for the other suggestions

[@johnmaurer2035]

Just gonna get taken for a ride. Nobody values your help, or assistance.

[@forrestfey]

It is hard and frustrating to work with someone that does not have an opinion. (Or do not voice it)

[@patriciaserra5664]

Thank you Darren your videos are so well explained and powerful. They make you open your eyes.

[@lenhart8487]

the last couple seconds was great area counciling, and what I was looking for, while listening to your video, thank you for posting and sharing.

[@ginaiosef]

Been there, done that😄 ! Now being a big walking "NO" 😎, handling rejection issues (weird thing at 55 😂) and anger management - keeping it for now between myself and my gymnastics 😉, well, with you all now 😉. So , a big grateful thank you! ❤

[@winter-qd4yw]

Love the last comment. So true. Thank you!

[@StarMadz]

Darren.. I just wanted to pop on here and say that I have never related to a source of content then I have in this video. Every point you had was spot on and really helped me understand the "why" factor. I have never felt more understood. Thank you for taking the time to make this video for it has changed my life. If you have any coaching programs or any sort of programs I would love to hear about them

[@LisaCulton]

I used to be a people-pleaser - but NO MORE! It's not worth it. I'm free, I'm enjoying life!

[@GldnClaw]

Cut a friendship with my former boss when he wouldn't accept my explanation as valid and was "forgiving [my] betrayal" for choosing a different exit plan from the company than stay under him.

[@AlitaAvenger]

Thank you so much for this great video!

[@oceanaoushn8803]

I have ALMOST missed your final words at the very end of this video "No! is not a bad word...."

[@aggieaguilera4real]

It's easy to sense the dishonesty in people pleasers when they withhold their own truths to please other people, so instead of coming off as accomodating, they come off as disingenuous liars who can't be trusted. Then they try to please even harder, which makes them seem even more deceptive.

[@MissBeeeBeee]

Excellent comment. 🎯

[@robertmessam103]

Being honest with past circumstances will help to heal and is a great hidden problem, I can very much relate to this.I am thankful that there is medicine to cure this harsh and cruel problem.

[@prepforlife4425]

Yup - it’s been a painful journey to work through this but it’s so worth it!! I was so tired of it and so done. I i needed to work through past trauma plus being an hsp!.. I was surrounded by toxic people and codependency. what a nightmare ! lol. :/ but it’s getting easier - i so want get ‘out’ of this mindset! Now I’m being a bit extreme (I feel to embrace my sense of self) and fear of being taken advantage of. But actively working on it.

[@DeanGrey]

Damn I just balled my eyes out

[@aliquresh87]

I'm a people pleaser, but I don't really care for humanity. I'm an animal person. I think I'm changing my ways with time.

[@amac2573]

If your experiences of other people is that they bully, exploit and manipulate for their own benefit or survival, then it is understandable that you feel how you do. Who after all was protecting you and looking after you? Even if there was people doing that it is difficult to ascertain if they were manipulating you to then exploit you.

[@VioFax]

@@amac2573 If anyone appears to be helping you its usually just fattening ya up to eat later.

[@amac2573]

@@VioFax Given the dynamics of narcissistic abuse that tends to be the experiences and perception of people until they recognise the attitude and behaviour patterns of those people with narcissistic and antagonistic traits. Then hopefully they learn to avoid or not be manipulated by such individuals.

[@Purpleexiles]

This is me. I'm coming out of a relationship with narcissist that is mostly covert but at times grandiose especially when using substances. I feel incredibly lost as to how I am going to manage and change.

[@Sad_Bumper_Sticker]

For me fawning aka people pleasing is one of my frequent symptoms diagnosed CPTSD psychiatrists and therapists confirmed. I researched all I could on CPTSD and fawning as a possible Fight-Flight-Freeze response but I find it often IMPOSSIBLE to control, it’s as if a scared child takes over and starts speaking in a high pitched voice saying „go right ahead tread on my boundaries” fawning types of things I would NEVER SAY unless my trauma response is triggered.

[@terrid.9204]

Isn't People Pleasers just another name for Enablers?

[@LordVoltRod2c]

Yes! 😃 That's a great idea. Psychologists should hear that.

[@Michael-iw3ek]

I wish I could catch one of those rising stars when they are still taking new patients instead of shifting their focus to producing content...

[@yasmeen66]

Thank you 🌻

[@KeepQuestioning243]

I am a recovering people-pleaser and am happy to realize that I am at least doing LESS of these behaviors!

[@Dizzyestep]

Ok have just started this video. Hi is Stephanie again . So what happens after or if the people pleaser learns to say no. Them not really having a life of their own. What do they do when they learn to say no..if they cam?

[@marinarosario1922]

How how can I stop doing this ?

[@carolmaplesden916]

my 29 year old people pleasing daughter refuses to acknowledge her 39 year old sister also my daughter is a psychopath narcissist

[@thereisnoninadria]

This is me. 😔

[@jonathanclayton9107]

Read Pete Walkers book about CPTSD. It talks alot about co- dependency Whicb is linked to people pleasing syndrome.

[@Maja-re4mq]

Great 👍🤩😍💕💖❤

[@wandertree]

People pleasers hide behind that title, in my opinion. It makes them sound like such nice people, when in reality, it's a dysfunction that makes relationships with them very difficult. They lack the ability to be honest with others, because they are so terrified of what they think is "conflict". I'm the kind of person who will always respect and accept your reason for not wanting to do something, but I have to dance on eggshells around people pleasers who won't be honest about that, and then will resent me for asking in the first place. It's infuriating and toxic, and I've learned to steer clear of "people pleasers" and not engage in relationship with them.

[@DrPhilGoode]

This comment section is filled with “people pleasers” seeking help that are not hiding behind that title. People pleasing is a trauma response. Just like narcissists don’t choose to be narcissistic, people don’t choose to be codependent people pleasers.

[@yvetteandjorgenlarsen9753]

​@@DrPhilGoodeThank you for saying that. I didn't even know I was a people pleaser until I saw this video tonight. I never thought I would 'find' myself here.

[@LordVoltRod2c]

6:16 coming up speech on how pave the road for a future God complex in a child when they grow up. Yet it will continue to be allowed to not let someone be who or what they truly are because humans are scared little creatures, and someone has to be their God. Such an honor keeps me sane.

[@4Beats4Me]

Your people pleaser, so-called, may have roots of stone and a head equally hard. If the worl is cultivatting a bumper crop of people eho will not be caring or self-aware, this drfinition as it stands ignores the very nature of human life to preserve the resources and defenses of those whose attempts to ensct change are not backed with hesvy weapons. They may not slways seem as effective in yhe immediate sense, but it is preserve and protect to invlude all kinds

[@strandedwarrior]

flying monkeys / enablers 101