dating in Germany (as a foreigner)

[@arnodobler1096]

I hate small talk. I find it much more exhausting than a deeper conversation.

[@Pomoscorzo]

Jawohl. Ich auch. 🙂

[@toomuchinformation]

Me too. I find deep conversation refreshing and enlivening. I understand the need for small talk, but I find it tiring.

[@petermeyer6873]

you finally got it right on the very last bit: there is no rules for dating here in germany because there is no dating ritual here - germans dont date! we just spend time together and get to know each other. what we do during that time is totally arbitrary.

[@thorstenziglasch22]

German efficiency. Don't waste my time with games. If it doesn't work out, be honest about it. Life goes on. Don't dress up too much: I want to get to know you, not your wardrobe and not your jewlery. I might want to know your style though. Who pays at the first date: No rule here. Anything goes.

[@mbuck5044]

As a American, I do find German directness refreshing. It was off putting initially but I've adapted.

[@Mithrilelb]

In my experience German men will always offer to pay the bill on a first date and then it's up to you to accept or say to split it. As students when you're both broke you're more likely split it for example. Now I'm a working woman but still have a lot of student friends so I sometimes offer to invite them when we're out.

[@iknewyouweremypet]

Well, we don't have a dating culture in Germany compared to the US. We don't really date in the 'traditional' way. And yes we always date exclusively. We also have no game ;)

[@charlotteanna]

whenever I had a convo with american friends and just said out loud what I was really thinking about a topic - they stared at me. lol.

[@KendraAshanti]

It's so hard to adjust to lol

[@gerhardadler3418]

How am i supposed to know that i like you (and not just your looks) when i haven't spend some time with you? Therefore, showering you in compliments would imply that iam interested in you, but since it can lead to more pretty fast, and iam not sure if i like you, it would end in something iam not sure i want. It's just a different approach. Also, just complimenting the surface is somewhat superficial. To know if someone is interested, there is a simple rule. I know there are many people who disagree with that, but i would say it's true in about 90%. When s man wants to meet a woman, he is interested in her! No further signals needed.

[@bobbythespaceghost9934]

I like that.

[@JayStephan]

OMG, everything is on-point! Including your energy

[@KendraAshanti]

You can take the German out of Germany but....lolll thank you!!

[@willshedo]

In Germany you can just ask your date on how they see it, exclusive or not. Dont be afraid to ask. You dont have to be exclusive on first dates but when meeting more often, its assumed to be exclusive.

[@_Pat_1111]

Dating multiple people and keeping your options open sounds so hurtful to me. Really condescending of the person you’re dating and not giving them a chance. That’s a rude culture with ultimate fear of missing out. It already breaks my heart just hearing about it. I have never been in this situation and hope I never will be. I’m to loving and romantic for that.

[@redtruediaries330]

I lived in the US most of my life (I'm American) and agree with you. You can choose to make that clear to someone on the first date- that monogamy is what you want. However, you can't assume that the other person wants that or will give that to you, especially if you meet as strangers. In Germany it is much more common for person to start dating someone from their group of friends or friends of friends so you already have an idea of their character. There are people who want and are happily (and ethically) non-monogamous. The hard part is finding this out early enough and hope that the person is honest with you.

[@_Pat_1111]

@@redtruediaries330 I´m in Germany although not German. We naturally assume of everyone to be monogamous and are vary if they might be a cheater. I would never occure to me to ask a person about monogamy or think that thats something special that needs to be discussed upfront. There are people who are polyamorous and they are open about it, which is faire and part of the deal, but thats different. Besides that, I don´t get the American dating game. There´s no real dating in Germany. You eather like someone and continue seeing them and it´s obvious at some point that you´re in a relationship then or people get involved in an affaire outside of their relationship and have to make the rules clear. But there´s Tinder, that is messing up everything...

[@janas_portfolio]

Same here

[@toomuchinformation]

Dating multiple people is just exhausting let alone anything else.

[@stephanteuscher6583]

It's funny, how you Americans make a science out of dating. There are lots of rules and definitions - "seeing someone", "exclusive", "girlfriend / boyfriend", "relationship", "who pays what" and so on. Do you have classes where you learn all that stuff? And I always thought we Germans were complicated. By the way: if you meet the right german guy(s), you might find out they CAN flirt. Just choose wisely. =;-)

[@robertzander9723]

That one ultimate dating guide is a lovely idea, but not really helpful. Germany is so diverse and has so many influences from the countries around Germany, after the split of Germany until now. A guy from Hamburg is different to someone from Cologne, from Munich or Leipzig. In the way they handle it, talking to you and interacting with you. Sometimes it's even how they grow up. I have absolutely no problem to pay the bill, i like to do that. But German ladies especially from the East are independent and proud ladies and they wouldn't allow you to pay always the bills, maybe the first, but if it's going on and they have a couple of more dates, she would pay as well. It's changing even with good friends. Sometimes, i pay and the next time someone else an unwritten rule.

[@farhiyaa4880]

I am thankful for this video...learn something new. I will feel he is unloving if he dont pay. It's my love language- he buys me gifts and shower me with attention.

[@lucreciainderwelt9612]

Ich mag die Energie, die du überträgst. 💜💜

[@hockeygirl8401]

Girl, you avoided racial trap. thank you for your perspective. 👍🏾

[@BiG-JuPO1O1]

I honestly feel like I'm going like Germany more than US. I honestly feel like I'll fit in better in Germany, in my experience it's difficult to find people that honest and actually puts effort into the relationship. I rather have a person who honest and upfront than a person who fakes it and going out with other people behind your back.

[@KendraAshanti]

Yes, there is definitely a lot more transparency here that I think you'll greatly appreciate because it just helps things flow more naturally

[@melfox215]

I agree to your statements in general. The only thing u missed is probably due to the fact that you only have your own experience based on dates with guys. I recommend to talk to German girls to get the whole picture. As a German guy, my experience with German girls/women, is that especially the higher educated ones tend to focus on their independence. That being sad, turning down the offer to be invited is rare anyway. I always invite my dates and only once or twice my date rejected my offer to pay the bills. In both cases the first date has become the final date. It might be my character being grown up with a lot of immigrants and impact from different values and cultures, but I think most of the German or in Germany grown up guys tend to be nice guys in dating or relationships that make many compromises as our females had sort of 'educated' us to act like that. Many students are more or less shy or hesitating as some of the women can be very harsh in saying no. :D Ironically, some women think the careful shy Germans aren't real men while others totally dislike machismo behavior. The range of adorable men's behavior sometimes seems to be sort of small. Being born in '81 and having left university in 2014, I think my comment refers to the born '93 and prior. The younger generation might be different. And, of course, education has a huge impact on the probability of a specific behavior. PS: thank you for your content. I really like the way you do it and your pronunciation to improve my AE accent. Improving my English is one of the reasons apart from the entertaining part to watch your stuff. Normally, I consume a lot of things about the NBA or racism in the US. Apart from youtube, I really love to watch all these movies like the hate u give, the Butler, the great debaters, remember the Titans, American violet, Antwone Fisher, green book, the human stain, the Hurricane, ... if I was born in the US, I probably would try to become a guidance counselor or teacher at an I promise school or something comparable. In Germany I do work as a social worker, but not for immigrants right now, unfortunately.

[@kikilu]

I (as a german) am really surprised hearing that dating someone means exclusivity. Maybe because dating here is „meeting somebody“. Dating and starting to share daily things, meeting at home, kissing ☺️ etc. means exclusivity. But maybe I‘m too old and things get... hm... more conservative in the younger generation

[@amairis8394]

I found this channel and Ich liebe dich 😂😂😂

[@juricarmichel5864]

Hi. Wir sind Helden: "Aurelie" (song). I think, we german men might be boring and notte thate "latin lover" guys. But we love your sleepy getting up face as much as your glowing going out face. And when bending over the toilet we're holding back your hair and still love you (if we don' t have to breath in too deep😝). 😉😂 Knowing germans and germany in general, you should not be surprised. Greeting

[@sisuguillam5109]

Aurelie explains german dating so well!

[@DerTaran]

Dating and 'Miteinander gehen' might look first similar, but it is definitely not.

[@luidorluidor2830]

Paying on a first date doesn't have rules either, it just depends on who is quicker in pulling his or her wallet, and like you heard from you're date, one person pays for one thing, the other one for the next, or just the people want

[@freddyflink6643]

My name is Kendra and ich bin deine Lieblingsausländerin...haha😀 I like this part very original. Have to subscribe.

[@KendraAshanti]

haha thank you!

[@ollifrank6255]

With me, my family, my friends, it was WHUM, KAWUM, married. Not everybody in Germany, though

[@MS-iv8zu]

The point of ‘dating exclusively’ is really not the case for dating in Berlin.... people date multiple at 1 time also across genders it’s just assumed when you start dating someone that you know this.

[@_Pat_1111]

Not true!

[@iwantahat]

The thing about who pays for the bill is not so clear in my opinion. In my experience it depends on the mood. I had dates (not that many lol) where the woman seemed to be the romantic type of girl looking for a "real date" and so I felt like paying for the bill. And with my wife we started out just meeting for a drink, no fancy clothes or anything and so we always split the bill ever since. I have no problem with both honestly.

[@IdentityinChrist222]

Everything you said are so true. You have a nice smile by the way 😊

[@KendraAshanti]

Thank you 🥰

[@emilyramirez3620]

Ouuu already excited

[@KendraAshanti]

😊😊😊

[@Hexalo25]

if a german doesnt complain ... he is in love with you xD...

[@toomuchinformation]

😅😅😅😅😅😅

[@charlesvincent8677]

Thanks for sharing!

[@charlotteanna]

I like this channel!

[@KendraAshanti]

Thanks so much!

[@dreamcatcher2175]

Well my experience was that the most German men wanted to pay on the first date. Some wanted to split but that was okay for me. It always came out of the situation. I guess it’s better not to give so much value on this. When you can exchange good vibes with each other things flow and you or he is paying the next time. 🙃🙂

[@lindacf2379]

I, a swede... The one asking the other out, more often offer to pay.

[@chillizora]

I had to chase the guys and ask for dates. They always paid for the dinner though. There are no rules

[@Tkamsker]

whatever dutch means, i think about paying it depends on a lot of circumstances. So if you go to a place she probabluwould not have chosen you (as a man ) pay so i think there are no strict rules and that is a good thing

[@KendraAshanti]

"Splitting the bill" in American slang.

[@Tkamsker]

@@KendraAshanti Ah i see even better than paying french style ... thx

[@l.c.899]

Dating someone is different from to go on a date. If you say I dating him/her it means you are in a relationship already, right? So dating several people is just cheating, at least if you lying to them about your intentions, or that you date several people

[@KendraAshanti]

No, in this instance I refer to dating as everything that happens before you make the relationship official. Sorry, thought I mentioned that.

[@emilyramirez3620]

Woooow it’s so interesting to date exclusively at first!

[@KendraAshanti]

So different 😅

[@omaticuerj7765]

The belief that there is only one truth and that you yourself are in possession of it, is the root of all evil. Max Born In relation to relationship this teaching is very true. What I see is a lot of people saying what they don't accept for themselves, but they do it in a common response pattern, but they are blind to really understanding the multiplicity of relationships today.

[@Regenbogenwurm1]

"Please! Look decent" 😁😁😁

[@KendraAshanti]

😂 😂

[@kullen2042]

As a German, i never felt that dating was assumed to be exclusive. That might ofc be because Tinder and American influence from movies has influenced our behaviours. But as far as I'm concerned I would never assume that of other people nor would I like it to be assumed of myself. Albeit the latter is also because I like the concept of ethical non-monogamy. :D But even apart from that amongst my monogamous friends, I wouldn't have heard, that dating as such would be considered especially exclusive i think.

[@ravanpee1325]

It would be considered as exclusiv that you don't date a few persons at the same time. That would be considered as a hook up and not dating.

[@kullen2042]

@@ravanpee1325 well I was only talking about the social code i think of as a german. I don't know, how other people see it. :D But dating or "ausgehen" is imho not bound to be exclusive, you can meet several people indepently for second, third etc. dates, and at some point, you would naturally have conversations about your status. Also I want to emphasize that afaik dating in e.g. the US and "daten" as a foreign word in German are not synonymous: It seems that in the US, there are sooo many social rules about the dating game, abotu who pays the bill, how long you wait before asking for a second date, sometimes even what you talk about on first/second.thirs dates etc., whereas there is no such thing in Germany that everybody would agree on. "Daten" is more getting to know one another and finding possible common ground for possible intimacy. You might already be intimate while "dating" or you might not, it depends greatly. And hooking up or "jemanden aufreißen" is in my understanding more ONS oriented. And honestly, if you see somebody once, what is there to talk about monogamy? :D

[@ravanpee1325]

@@kullen2042 Glaube trotzdem nicht, dass es jemand wertschätzt, wenn jemand mehrmals mit einer anderen Person ausgeht und weiß, dass die/der jenige gleichzeitig was mit anderen am Laufen hat bzw. das schon macht, aber dann auch in Kauf nimmt, dass der andere vergeben sein könnte^^ Da hat man dann doch schon den "Anspruch" gesagt zu bekommen "es wird mit uns nichts. Wenn das klar ist kannst du ja machen was du willst", anstatt zu bemerken "uih, da waren aber gleichzeitig viele am Start". Also eher nacheinander als parallel. Ist nur meine Meinung, aber bin ungern beim Bachelor ohne es zu wissen^^

[@kullen2042]

@@ravanpee1325 Also wenn man mehrmals mit einer Person ausgeht würde zumindest für mich relativ bald auch das Thema aufkommen, was man sich eigentlich so vorstellt. Also ob man sich unverbindlich F+-mäßig weiter treffen will, oder auf ein Beziehungsschema hinarbeitet, es eh nicht klappt oder was auch immer. Ich rede nicht davon, Partner*innen einfach nur hinzuhalten, weil man oft, "es könne ja noch was besseres kommen" oder so ein B***s***t. :D Aber wie gesagt: Für mich ist daten und sich platonisch kennenlernen manchmal nicht so unterschiedlich, und noch eine weitere Ebene an Regeln und "Nein, du darfst dich jetzt nicht mit xy zum Mittagessen treffen" bringt mMn wirklich niemandem etwas. ;) Aber ich bin auch wie in ersten Post angedeutet poly (und werde das auch immer früh genug beim daten anbringen, man will schließlich keine Erwartungen enttäuschen oder falsche Erwartungen schüren!), von daher ist das vllt in dem Kreis in dem ich mich so bewege etwas anders, kp 🤷‍♀️

[@ravanpee1325]

@@kullen2042 Klar, da findet ja noch ein Anbahnungs- bzw. Aushandlungsprozess statt. Vieles ist unklar oder unsicher. Aber auch da kann man ja beim Treffen signalisieren was man denn eigentlich möchte. "Ich suche was festes, ich suche was lockeres, ich will mich nicht fest Binden usw." Auch bei Poly-Beziehungen muss man mit dem/den Partnern kommunizieren, was geht oder nicht geht bzw. was für Vorstellung man hat. Wo Grenzen verlaufen oder nicht usw.

[@barbarapeck5804]

I can’t believe you said Americans dress „always“ look your best! I have lived in the States for a while now and sorry that is not what I have seen. Except that Jeans at work is a big no no (which I will never understand) people might dress their best when they go to work but otherwise, please. Too bad I can’t upload pictures here but I’m sure you know!

[@KendraAshanti]

Ok that was a broad statement, Americans are quite a casual bunch 😂 But in New York, we're a bit more fashionable and usually dress pretty nicely on dates when we first start seeing someone.

[@irenejepchirchir2706]

Hey just landed in Germany from Africa and am already scared about dating ... 😅

[@KendraAshanti]

Haha, I've only heard about dating culture in Nigeria and dating here is the complete opposite, so if you're used to a dating culture similar to their's be prepared 😆

[@61Ldf]

A typical German approach to pay the bill is to split it.

[@Pomoscorzo]

My husband and I alternated payment. We still do. 😉

[@keinedaten1640]

Do we really talk about the same things when talking about "dating" in Germany and the States? To start with: I never understood what "dating" means in the States. Americans tried to explain it to me, but that was even more confusing. Somebody said to me (that is long time ago and she just finished school) that dating is not just something romantic. It is also "dating" if you go with a friend to eat a Pizza. I would probably call that "meeting sombody and eating a pizza". Another person tried to explain to me the difference between dating and being a pair or like you say it: exclusive. I asked her how one knows that the man wants to be the boyfriend/exclusive and she said that he would say something like "I would like to see you on a regular basis". My reaction was "sounds like my dentist". It gets even more confusing when you talk about rules: maybe I misunderstand you, but what I understand as a conclusion now is: Americans date several people, dress up for it and may or may not kiss their dates? So when you date different men you might kiss them all? I am confused....I thought you guys are the prude ones? Now it is more us being the prude ones....I dont know if that changed, but usually I would assume that a man who kisses me is not going tomorrow on another date, kissing someone else. (Okay, that is theory, I am married anyway :-) ) In Germany I would distinguish between something that we used to call "Rendez-vous" which is something romantically or just meeting with somebody. We took over the word "date" from the english language, like in Speed-Dating etc. but I am not sure about the culture. A "Verabredung" can just be anything.....meeting with friends, meeting somebody alone, having a "Rendez-vous" or whatever. Small-talk: why would someone dress up and spend time with somebody ....just to talk about nothing at all? That sounds very difficult. I am okay with the daily smalltalk....weather, health and so on, but what kind of smalltalk do you do in the States that last a whole hour? Paying: might depend on the generation. I was usually offered to be invited, but did not like it and insisted on paying for myself. It is different though, if an invitation is clearly outspoken before going to the restaurant "Ich lade dich ein." With my husband I was gracious ;-) He was the first guy for years whom I would allow to invite me. And the next time I invited him :-D (seems I was the first woman who ever did that, but for me equality was normal). I would like an explanation about: what exactly is American dating? I thought I might be the only confused person, but it seems that I am probably not the only one who does not exactly understand what it is.

[@KendraAshanti]

Confusing stuff I know...for me dating can either mean "going on dates but not necessarily exclusive" or "in a relationship." But it depends on the context...in this video I'm talking about the former. I have never heard someone say meeting friends for pizza is a date haha that's something I would call a friend date (jokingly), but the person would understand that we aren't dating or romantic in anyway. It's only something I say to my female friends anyway and I don't date women. Yep! Some people kiss/sleep with the multiple people they date. It's different for each person, nothing that I could confirm or deny is specific to American culture... Small talk doesn't always mean insignificant conversations. It can also mean just casually getting to know someone instead of having serious talks of philosophy and morals etc...just keeping it light for the first date or two. Hope this helps!

[@rosapfeffer5358]

Ich möchte mal sagen in dem Moment wo die Löhne gleich hoch sind.Frauen auch Abends ruhig in öffentl.Verkehrsmitteln nachhause fahren können u.nicht ein Taxi nehmen müssen Weil man sonst nach dem ,,Date " auch noch angepöbelt wird. Der Friseur nicht um vieles teurer ist..🙄ect.Dann können wir gerne über ein gleichberechtigtes bezahlen auch im Restaurant sprechen..

[@keinedaten1640]

@@rosapfeffer5358 Also der Mann mit dem Sie ausgehen, wird für die Arschlöcher dieser Welt stellvertretend bestraft und hat deshalb für sie zu bezahlen? Als so eine Art Wiedergutmachung dafür, dass der Friseur zu teuer ist oder Sie nicht ordentlich über Ihr Gehalt verhandelt haben? Auch eine Haltung, aber keine nette.

[@rosapfeffer5358]

@@keinedaten1640 keine Daten das und kein Foto und Schimpfwörter benutzen ohne Grund. Das sagt doch schon alles..

[@rosapfeffer5358]

@@keinedaten1640 und dann worin liegt die Strafe mit mir auszugehen..?Die meisten Männer sind doch mundfaul und freuen sich über einen schönen Abend. .und erzählen dann auch noch das sie einen klar gemacht haben..Wenn ich einen netten Mann treffe setzte ich nicht voraus das er zahlt Aber es ist schön wenn er an all die Aufwendungen denkt Kindermädchen Taxi Friseur ect.

[@DreseanRyan]

💯💯

[@ollifrank6255]

Going Dutch - simply they hear your accent and decide to pay. Thanks to the internet

[@Luziemagick]

Pay the bill..if a guy pays..good..if not..cheap a%%...hahaha

[@KendraAshanti]

😂😂

[@ravanpee1325]

Why should I pay for you when I notice after 2min you have not interest and want just a free meal. People who get paid for affection are in a special business ;)

[@KendraAshanti]

@@ravanpee1325 Ok in that case, definitely don't pay for a freeloader 😂

[@Luziemagick]

@@ravanpee1325 of course not for freeloader..but you couldn't read the joke in my words..good,too😂

[@ravanpee1325]

@@Luziemagick Sorry magic, I must apolgize I missed it 😂

[@kerstinwilkens7134]

Rubbish