Dating w/ Attachment Trauma: Vulnerability Triggers Anxiety - Cling, Run, or Avoid? Fear of Intimacy

Dating w/ Attachment Trauma: Vulnerability Triggers Anxiety - Cling, Run, or Avoid? Fear of Intimacy
Alan Robarge, Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist
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[@catalystcomet]

Alan, I don't know how you do this but it's uncanny. To prepare for my therapy appointment today I re-watched your talk about the narcissistic wound. It's so important for me, personally, and it helps me stay grounded. And now this video? I'm not dating, I'm married, and luckily we are both very aware of and sensitive to how one another responds to triggers. The problem is that sometimes our responses to those triggers trigger one another haha. It's a tough one, but I'm grateful that we found each other and have the ability to have the same therapist and the desire to not only get through it, but to get closer in the process. I'm so grateful that you exist. I really truly am. Your videos have been one of the greatest resources for me. That narcissistic wound video is fire. Love it.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I appreciate the kind and meaningful comment. Thank you for sharing the videos have been a helpful resource for you and thank you for valuing my effort. Please share this video by posting it on other social sites. It really helps me spread the word about these topics. Thanks for your help and I appreciate the feedback.

[@eve5952]

I normally don't comment on videos but I have to say thank you for the work and effort you put into educating people about others and themselves. Your videos have been a great help and comfort for me, as someone trying to cope with cptsd and attachment trauma.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I appreciate the kind comment. Thank you for sharing the videos have been helpful for you and thank you for valuing my effort. Please share this video by posting the KZbin link on other social sites. It really helps me spread the word about these topics. Thanks for your help and I appreciate the feedback.

[@dog_biter]

This I could watch all the way through,,there was enough light I the darkness and for many of us who have been treading through darkness,,sometimes a little light is the necessary antidote..

[@joannahzamora]

This is a great video Alan. Thank you. I'm a fearful avoidant and I hate creating the push pull dynamic in relationships because I know and can see how much it hurts the other person, so when I try to ens it to spare them.more pain, they pursue me more which creates more anxiety and pulling away for me. I hate knowing this may always be in me because I really do hate hurting the other person because of my own confusion and I dont want to involve them in my own chaos and confusion. I'm hoping I can heal one day so I can be a safe reliable partner and stand on my own two feet no matter what comes my way. Thats a good idea to disclose that to the other person upfront so we can take things slow and really be aware. ❤

[@noodles0668]

Thank you so much for sharing this. It's comforting to hear somebody else is in the same boat! I find it really frustrating and confusing that I want to be in a relationship but I always push that person away and I don't know why I do it. It's always a push and pull. The more they try and pull me in, the more I run and feel smothered 😔 I'm a working progress and I'm working on the tools and advice from Alan to not keep pushing the ones I love away❤

[@jasonespinoza3816]

So glad you’re back! Love the logo intro. Another incredible video from the best of the best

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thank you for the warm welcome and for the kind words. Glad my work brings you value. Please share this KZbin video by posting the link elsewhere like on other social sites. It's really helpful for spreading the word on topics like this. Thank you for your help.

[@joannm5981]

I definitely needed this today. Going through this right now.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Glad this is helpful and I hear you.

[@rturney6376]

Loving 🥰 hearing from you Alan, This is one of the first topics I had with my therapist 30 years ago!!! ❤❤❤❤

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I appreciate the kind comment. Thank you for valuing my work. Please share this video by posting the link on other social sites. It's really helpful to spread the word on topics like this. Thanks for your help.

[@michaelmcfadden2397]

Excellent video, very well thought out. I couldn't describe it any better!. It's so hard. I've been in a relationship for a year and I'm still feeling insecure if i dont get a text after a few hours. He even lives with me. I get worried about being a burden, seemingly to needy, by being too open or asking for too much. I keep asking myself what is wrong with me??

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thank you for the kind words and for sharing you really connected with this video. And I hear you, many of us can relate with those dynamics. It's so good to be talking about this.

[@pierceferriter4664]

Hi Alan…it is so good to see you posting videos again ! You have a real skill with your insight and the ability to seemingly just let it flow. I had dealt with all these dynamics as well as “is this really the right partner for me” We have been broken up now for 2 years and I am truly at peace with myself and being alone for now. You helped me immensely through my journey. Thank you wiyh all of my heart. I am curious…what motivated you to get back on the videos ??? I hope you are well. Merry Christmas 😊

[@karolyn63]

Alan you are the best source of knowledge in this field. Thank you for helping us validate our struggles.

[@Aisha_babii]

Thank you so much for this video!! I have an anxious attachment style and I just started getting to know a new potential partner. I told him that I do need reassurance in a relationship and he’s been calming my nervous system since I made that request. I don’t want to put that burden on him though so in order to not get preoccupied with my thoughts, I preoccupy myself with self care, exercise, friends, work, etc… I’m also trying to strengthen my detachment skills. I feel sooooo much better and less anxious about the outcome, what he’s up to, and who he’s with. It’s like a burden has been lifted!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I appreciate the feedback and thank you for sharing this content has been helpful for you. Glad my work brings you benefit. Please share this video by posting the KZbin link on other sites. It really helps me spread the word about these topics. Thanks for your help.

[@cosmosoma]

What are your detachment skills ? I have an anxious attachment pattern as well, I haven't been able to communicate or find a partner who can relax it, I am in a triggered state mostly and it's really hard

[@Aisha_babii]

@@cosmosoma aw I’m sorry to hear that and trust me I feel your pain ❤️ What I’ve done to stay detached is: 1) Not text or call more than he does. Basically “matching energy”. I’ll send a text and simply focus on my day until he responds. 2) I don’t follow him on social media. 3) when I start to ruminate, I write down my thoughts and challenge them 4) Talk to my inner child, I’ll say things like “You’re ok, you’re worthy of love, you’re beautiful, you’re kind, etc etc 5) Stay busy with friends family and hobbies! Hope this was helpful ❤️

[@watchmeheal1176]

Your content IS life changing!!! I appreciate the time and dedication you put into your presentations🦄

[@AlohaMichaelDaly]

Best wishes Alan - you strike the cords we identify with and make a great difference.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thank you for the kind words and thank you for valuing my effort.

[@MarionFiedlerMusic]

Thanks for your thoughts and knowledge 🎉

[@Aisha_babii]

Great video as usual! Can you do a video talking about focusing on our partners inadequacies/ being judgmental of a partners behavior that we also engage in. Basically being hypocritical within a romantic relationship… ie: You judge your partner for drinking, but you also drink. What would this be called?

[@GoBrilliantly]

Thank you for this series! 😅

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

You're welcome and I appreciate the kind donation and support.

[@Kot_Daphne]

Great to see you back!!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thank you.

[@chania80]

I appreciate your work Alan.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thank you for valuing my work. Please share this video to help spread the word. It's important to keep talking about this.

[@DressyCasual]

Very educational. It is so important for people to understand these underlying patterns when entering relationships. Thank you for your work.

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I appreciate the feedback and thank you for valuing my effort. Please take the KZbin link and post it elsewhere such as other social media sites. It really helps me spread the word about these topics. Thanks for your help and I appreciate the feedback.

[@milagrosdonofrio8151]

Alan you’re the best !

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thank you for the kind words. Please share this video to help spread the word on topics like this.

[@DanielleFerreira-kt7ix]

Thank you, Alan!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

You're welcome. Thank you for valuing my effort.

[@17bluefeather]

Like this format much better

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thank you for the feedback and for valuing my effort. Please take the KZbin link and post it elsewhere such as other social media sites. It really helps me spread the word about these topics. Thanks for your help.

[@resistancerebels9798]

I ran.........and feel safe again

[@gavrinmahaffey3656]

This is very helpful.much appreciated

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Glad to hear this is helpful. Thank you for valuing my effort. Please also share this video by posting the KZbin link on other social sites. It really helps me spread the word about these topics. Thanks for your help.

[@bruceprigge5212]

Thank you ! 😊

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

You're welcome.

[@jens6039]

Thank you Alan for doing this video. You explain things so well

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I appreciate the kind comment. Thank you for valuing my effort and glad it brings benefit. Please take the KZbin link and post it elsewhere such as other social media sites. It really helps me spread the word about these topics. Thanks for your help.

[@lisaformosa4083]

so clear and useful - thank you!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

I appreciate the kind feedback. Glad my work is clear and useful. Thank you for valuing my effort. Please share this video with others to help spread the word about this topic. Thank you.

[@ESETAPOLKADOTS]

You've lost weight! You look great!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thanks for the kind words.

[@dennisjohnson277]

Great, thanks!

[@cosmosoma]

Throws a lot of light at my current / recurring patterns of my life, i would like know ehat are some days of dealing with the anxious clingy attachment type, how do i live with this around othersb

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Glad to hear my work helped bring you more clarity. Thank you for the question. It's not a simple answer because we would need to consider personal history and experience. I remember when we mentioned this in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. The conversation was an exploration similar to your comment. If you haven't heard about the Community, take the quiz to learn more: www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2

[@Bergziegen35]

😊

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thanks.

[@marshall886]

Alan, do you like the doctor John Bowlby?

[@RaphaelAndrews-f9r]

Yay 🎉🎉🎉

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Thank you for the cheer.

[@jeanetteannecchini1713]

💖

[@sunkissedarkandainty01]

Hello Alan!

[@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma]

Hi there. Thanks.