Dealing with Survivor's Guilt & Thoughts of Cancer Reoccurrence - Stage 4 Cancer Survivor

Survivor's Guilt and Thoughts of Reoccurrence are some things that most cancer patients deal with and it can be really hard. The last time I had these thoughts was when ‪@nalieagustin‬ passed away on March 22, 2022. I have found that it is impossible not to think of these things, but I try not to dwell on them for too long. Sometimes I need to distance myself from social media and the stories of other cancer survivors and fighters because it causes thoughts like these and it is not good for my happiness.
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#survivorsguilt #cancerstory #cancersurvivor #nalie #nalieagustin

[@Armistead_MacSkye]

I will never consider myself as NED. My surgery showed NED, yet I'm well aware that copies of my Cancer are in my body, just awaiting their opportunity. I don't have guilt, I have PTSD! Great video 👍

[@elizabethconroy7665]

From what I know now,more and more young ladies are being diagnosed with breast cancer Prayers for all

[@SamanthaL]

Definitely. It’s one of the reasons I want to keep up this KZbin channel

[@carolescharacters]

You did an amazing job at explaining things ..... you are wise beyond your years. Thank you so much for sharing it really helped me put things into perspective xx

[@JodiW]

Nalie's passing hit me hard as we have the same diagnosis TNBC. We only communicated on rare occasion , yet I felt a strong connection and so much inspiration. She lived the journey with such dignity and grace. Your topic was perfect timing for me personally. Thank you .

[@SamanthaL]

She was amazing and so are you 💕

[@candieghirardelli1504]

Nalie was initially diagnosed in 2013 with stage 2 estrogen receptor/progesterone receptor-positive, HER2-negative breast cancer before she found out in 2017 that it metastasized.

[@maver1706]

I was a cancer survivor first time around….I had breast cancer in 2006, luckily only stage 1 so just a lumpectomy and radiation treatment followed by 5 yrs hormone treatment. I did go through the initial feelings of doom which luckily eased off after the radiation treatment finished and I was able to get back to normal life (more or less) and almost forget that it had ever happened. Time is a great healer if we have it on our side. Unfortunately 14 years later it raised its ugly head again so more treatments, hard chemo, an operation, targeted therapy, more dark thoughts, but as you say you have to get on with it. Life is to be lived and we have to appreciate every moment. We do lose people along the way, people that have shared the same or very similar journey, but we should not feel guilt because we are surviving longer, only incredibly blessed that we are. Be kind to yourself Samantha, maybe you should just concentrate on the Alaska journey now and it will be great to watch you along the way! Wishing you and Gra much happiness xx

[@SamanthaL]

Love it! Thanks for sharing this

[@lorij6796]

Make R Oh no! I'm stage 1 breast cancer. Required no treatment. Instead of a lumpectomy I choose dbl radical mastectomy even my nipples taken. If cancer comes back I will just go with the flow. Palliative and hospice care. I've lived long enouth.enough. I wish you a full cure.

[@aliceschmid9697]

This video made sense and was extremely powerful. I know I will watch it over and over.

[@nenaronan8679]

I’m glad that you have found a way to deal with the fear of recurrence. God bless you ❤

[@SamanthaL]

❤️

[@branejane800]

Thoughtful you are and an extraordinary guide for those diagnosed with cancer - young and old. I am going to reiterate from a comment I made in one of your previous videos and I would say this to all - cancer or not: be in tune and listen to your body and mind, get your labs and imaging done without fail, and don't take no for an answer if you suspect something isn't quite right. Early detection is critical to survival. You are the best defender of your health. Keep thinking and sharing, stay fierce and enjoy life with your man! 💕 🌿🐬

[@SamanthaL]

Great advice, thank you

[@thefightingfelter6456]

Unfortunately I’ve never been a cancer survivor… that means living 5 years after remission, I was cancer free ‘remission 3years’ but it came back…. But do I consider being a survivor…… yes I am still here and surviving daily ❤️🙏

[@SamanthaL]

I hear you! You’re here and fighting so you’re a survivor. I think the same way so I say I’m a survivor even though I haven’t gotten to 5 years yet :)

[@lorij6796]

The Fighting Felter Yes you are a fighting warrior! I wish you the best!

[@lorij6796]

The Fighting Felter I'm sorry the monster came back. I hope it's treatable. Best wishes for good health.

[@scrappydoogal804]

@@SamanthaL did you follow Nalie Agustin? I was so sad when she died a month ago. I followed her breast cancer story for years. She was so full of character and spirit! Sending you love and Hugs ❤️

[@mercibeaucoup2486]

Yes !!!!

[@lelerussell3623]

I think your video was really clear Samantha! Great work! 👍👏I just can’t believe anyone would be so egomaniacal and insensitive to put any negative comments on your channel when all you do is try to help by sharing so many very personal experiences (I can’t believe, for example, that you shared the fissure problem- but that shows how far you’ll go to help others). I sooo understand that you need to limit how much you allow yourself to be exposed to the many sad stories people share with you. They are all so moving, but you (unlike others) have so much of it being directed at you through your channel that you have to protect your own energy/ health and post treatment healing journey. You’re life has been dark enough- you don’t need to expose yourself to more darkness. You help so many by sharing your stories and thoughts and it seems that it is helpful/ therapeutic for your own healing journey to get your thoughts out, so follow your intuition and stick to that. You both did your time in the sad, dark treatment vortex, now you give yourselves a break😊. Now is the time for you and Gray to have fun and make plans with joy and excitement. Can’t wait to see your future videos about travelling cross country with your cat OR when you and Gray mush with a team of dogs in Alaska- you know you guys will! Hey Samantha I am wondering if you have altered your diet at all post treatment. Have you seen a nutritionist? I also wonder what your experience was like with the genetic testing. Did it help clarify anything for you personally? I don’t think you tested positive for the BRCA mutated genes but did for other mutations right? Just curious about your experience since all I ever see is info about the BRCA gene mutations causing BC and not other mutations causing it. I think there should be more said in the media about this. Just curious about these things. Thanks for continuing your videos! Take care and get packing for your trip girl! 👍🧳😸

[@SamanthaL]

Hi, thanks for the nice comment! I talked to a nutritionist during treatment and they basically just told me what any regular doctor would tell you about keeping a healthy diet, so no, I haven’t really made any changes (other than not eating certain foods because I ate them too much while on chemo and they make me feel sick). There’s not a lot of information out there about my specific gene mutation. It’s fairly rare so there’s fewer studies on it. You hear much more about BRCA because it has shown up so often in breast cancer diagnoses so it is clear that it has an impact. With mine, it’s kind of like, “this could be the reason but it also could have nothing to do with it.” I don’t have a large family history of breast cancer, and you would think that if this gene was a high risk, breast cancer would’ve shown up more often in the family members that had the mutation. At first, I searched for answers about it, but they’re just not really out there, so I basically just came to the conclusion that’s it not worth worrying about. I kind of treat it like it doesn’t exist. It’s amazing how much about genetics we still don’t know!

[@debras2845]

I had Hodgkin’s twice and was in stage 4; never had survivor’s guilt. Found a very small tumor in lung because of yearly low dose CT scans which was lung cancer. I am not a selfish person and I had a friend die from lung cancer but it has never crossed my mind that I would have guilt. I am extremely grateful and thought I would beat it. For years I was fearful, especially on yearly check ups but that has passed. I do not believe this makes me selfish but realistic. Just heard beginning and responded, may respond again.

[@SamanthaL]

I was also talking about having fear of reoccurrence, but that is awesome you haven’t felt survivors guilt! I agree that doesn’t make you selfish at all. I hope you are doing well :)

[@karenkane3220]

I love Nalie so much! She was a true warrior!

[@SamanthaL]

Definitely!

[@GeorginaRoseCornetto]

You've completely taken the words out of my mouth. I'm not NED, so not in the complete same situation as you, but I'm doing well so feel very similar. I'm so glad you're doing well x

[@SamanthaL]

Thank you, I'm glad you're doing well also :)

[@yatasvlogs9989]

Thanks for this video!!! Helps me feel comfortable 🙏

[@donnat3744]

You totally makes sense! I'm a breast cancer survivor going on 6 years and can relate entirely. Well said! Hope Alaska plans are going well!🇨🇦

[@SamanthaL]

Thanks! We have started planning our trip :)

[@sandicrounse5273]

I’m pleased that I happened on your channel. You’re a very intelligent young woman. I hope all your dreams come true.

[@SamanthaL]

That’s so nice, thank you. I appreciate you watching :)

[@trudgingtheroadofhappydest3983]

Hi. I subscribed while watching this video. I know exactly what you are getting across. Thanks for describing getting on with my life like just getting on with the treatment I had to do. I get stuck sometimes. I have a follow up appointment coming up soon and I have to talk myself into going. I tell myself it’s for the surgeon so he knows I’m okay. I hate the thought of him finding something else though. But moving on is difficult too when complications are still in my present time. But as you said whying is dying. Faith is the answer. Take care! Sorry about your friend dying.

[@SamanthaL]

Hi, thanks so much for subscribing! I get what you’re saying about not wanting to go to the appointment. Hoping it goes well!

[@elizabethconroy7665]

Have not been through a cancer treatment but I think I can understand what you say about Survivor’s Guilt This is your personal journey so rejoice that you are doing well May those who have passed Rest In Peace Warm Wishes

[@SamanthaL]

Thanks for listening and understanding :)

[@siennaapple9525]

I'm glad you're doing well. I worked as an LPN a long time ago and had a patient who had breast cancer at 22. Is it really that rare? Breast cancer is practically an epidemic.

[@SamanthaL]

Thank you! It’s pretty rare. There are cases around the world of it for sure, and I have even found some people younger than me on the internet, but I was still the youngest that my hospital has ever seen

[@JodiW]

Great explanation. I think many will relate at some level.

[@cherylcampbell7495]

Samantha if you ever feel this way you get an appointment with a great spa. Reiki massage/therapy massage. We ladies I feel try and take care of everyone else first. You deserve everything good in your life. You have been through a lot. Your so sweet and caring I can tell. Love your kitty too. I’m so glad you have a great husband, support around you. Go have your nails and toes done. I was just on Nalies instagram yesterday. Not registered but as soon as I saw the wheel chair I knew. Hope V or family has a KZbin video. I’m devastated and crying. Followed her for ten years. Tough deal. Take care Samantha 💕

[@SamanthaL]

Thank you! I actually can’t stand massages lol but I get what you’re saying :)

[@zenfulkatoria]

I’ve been NED for almost 3 yrs but I also suffer from clinical depression. I feel so guilty that my depression is stopping from living a “better” life. I’m not ungrateful just depressed 😩

[@SamanthaL]

I’m glad you’re NED but I’m so sorry you’re dealing with depression. You’re right that it’s definitely not the same thing as being ungrateful ❤️

[@leaveittolefty]

depression is a health condition-- not unlike diabetes or hypertension: it's not your fault. with good medical care i see you finding your way out of he darkness. the light is a nice place to be and you will get there🌟🤸‍♂️

[@zenfulkatoria]

@@leaveittolefty thank you for your words of encouragement ❤️

[@aliceschmid9697]

I been trying to figure out why I have been binge-watching your videos. As far as I know, I don't have cancer. I am more than 30 years older than you are, and I am not married, don't have kids. And yet? I can't get enough of you and your husband and baby. Why? And I think I have figured it out. I follow politics, crime, the news. I follow cooking shows and documentaries about life in other countries. But all of it is pretty depressing (the crime, the politics, the news), or repetitive. But your videos represent real life, and a life far richer than my own. AND your struggle with cancer represents the triumph of good over evil for me. You battle courageously, you take on challenges with honesty and character and you do not engage in self-righteousness or in self-pity. You are a role model for me, a woman old enough to be your grandmother. In the video where you were going to the hospital and I believe it was to have your eggs retrieved, you ate a girl scout cookie in the car, and Gray was appalled and said, "You are supposed to be a model of maturity and look at you!" Or words to that effect. What you are is an extraordinarily well-adjusted young woman who has managed to summon reserves of strength I doubt most of your viewers would ever find. And you have retained optimism and playfulness and a conviction that everything will turn out well in the end. I share that belief. And I just wanted to say thank you. And I wish you all every happiness and kindness in the world, and I am praying for miracles.

[@SamanthaL]

Thank you!!

[@aliceschmid9697]

I just left a comment about clinical trials on your most recent video and I hope you will take it as it was meant: in a positive and encouraging way. Those of us " in the business" do not associate clinical trials with desperation. We associate them with cutting edge approaches to new therapies.@@SamanthaL

[@lindacraig5056]

Samantha I so agree with everything you have said in this video. I have said at least 100 times in the last 2 years since diagnosis. How/why am i doing so well (I will be 67 next week) and these young people losing the battle and having so many bad side effects. I'll never understand cancer. I am very grateful I am doing so well. Treatment number 34 coming up in Tuesday. Thanks for all you share Samantha

[@SamanthaL]

Thanks, glad you get it! Hope your treatment goes well this week

[@lindacraig5056]

@@SamanthaL I sure do get it. Thank you Samantha I hope so too but it usually does. Take care

[@marymazzoni2079]

Love this intelligent young girl.

[@SamanthaL]

Aw thanks for watching!

[@carolynturnerclark9287]

Lots of wisdom.

[@debras2845]

I am 71 now and was 24 with Hodgkin’s but did not have the insight and awareness you have. I was very naive and do not believe I realized the seriousness. I never thought I would stop worrying but I have. I do not remember when it first occurred but it has been quite awhile.

[@SamanthaL]

I really appreciate you sharing this. It makes me feel better that it has gone away for you. I’m glad you’re doing so well!

[@laineybugger]

It is very hard. I still struggle with this 2 years later. I thought I was dealing with it better… until a coworker who went through treatment at the same as me had a recurrence. She’s dealing with a large brain tumor now. It’s breaking my heart. And part of me thinks why her, she has 4 kids, why not me. You can’t think like that but it’s hard. Yes I have a therapist.

[@SamanthaL]

That’s so hard. I’m sorry you’re dealing with that

[@lorij6796]

Hi Samantha 🍒 👋 Nice to see you! How are you doing? I was diagnosed on May 2021 with Metastatic ductal carcinoma. I had a radical mastectomy in December. Since then I've had several emergency surgeries as the left implant kept tearing through the incisions. So frustrating!Besides all the surgeries I got DVT and a bad blood infection. I can honestly say I became very depressed. I'm going to be 66yrs this month. I don't think about recurring mets. I saw how ill my husband was from treatment. So if I need to I will get palliative care and hospice. I'm okay with my decision. I hope you are doing well. Try not to feel guilty that you are surviving and others have passed. Just means your a compassionate person. Live each day! You have been through so much.

[@SamanthaL]

Hi, I’m doing great! I am sorry to hear about your complications with the implants. It really does sound frustrating and I hope it gets better soon

[@lorij6796]

@@SamanthaL Thank you sweet girl!

[@lorij6796]

@@SamanthaL Thank you! I guess it's just something you have to go through if you want implants. I'm so happy that you are doing well 💕

[@fortheloveofdog5622]

I also have stage 4 Breast cancer (it's in my sternum and lung).....I know exactly what you are talking about. I know many others who have died of cancer - people with children and younger people (I am 60 yrs. old). I do wonder why I have survived and not the others.....but I have become more at peace with it. Bless You and keep on keeping on.....ps F.Y.I. I am going on over 6 years with stage 4.

[@SamanthaL]

Thanks for sharing that. It's great you've made it to 6 years! That's so great to see :)

[@fortheloveofdog5622]

@@SamanthaL Thank you for taking the time to reply (you don't need to reply again....lol) Peace & Happiness from Nova Scotia!

[@auntielisalisabopeepsa]

I hit dislike by accident. Fat fingers I have. I immediately hit like when I realized I did that 👍. I too was devastated by Nalie’s passing 😢 I too found her on here as I was searching for cancer survivors etc. I also followed her on Instagram as well. Her celebration of life service last Tuesday was so beautiful. I know I’ve shared with you before that I’m 8 years at stage 4 MBC. I’m old enough to be you & Nalie’s mom. I’ll be 53 at the end of this month. Survivors guilt is very real. I struggle with it often. Especially when I hear about someone who is in their 20’s or 30’s. I’ve known a few people who were young mothers, married etc. Thank you 🙏🏼 for sharing your thoughts and struggles on this topic. My former oncologist told me back in 2014 when I was diagnosed to “Live my Life”💜🙏🏼 sorry this was long. Sending you virtual hugs 🤗 and continued blessings to you & Gray 🌸🌼🌺

[@SamanthaL]

Thanks for sharing this :)

[@janinealexa567]

I have several takes on this! My first thought is that I don’t feel like I have survivor’s guilt. It’s so strange. I have feelings of guilt or unworthiness because my breast cancer was caught early and I was fortunate enough to NOT have to go through chemotherapy. I struggle sometimes to even admit that I am a pink sister. Am I? Does a lumpectomy and radiation qualify? I never lost my hair or felt sick or rang that bell! Sometimes I ask myself if I’m worthy to wear the pink ribbon, bracelet or shirt?! Don’t get me wrong… I am incredibly grateful and blessed. I don’t really believe in “luck.” I believe that God has a plan for us all and honestly, none of us are worthy according to His word. I rely on my faith to get me through those thoughts of recurrence or even death. In the meantime I just try to continue to live my life, lean on my faith and God and give it all to Him. We have a limited amount of control. I can eat well, exercise, do all the things but in the end it is all beyond my control. I consider myself “healed” after my surgery and radiation therapy. I thank God every day for that healing and for being here another day. I live in the moment, look forward to the future and try to remain positive. Beyond that, it’s out of my control.

[@SamanthaL]

It's interesting you say that because I think the same thing whenever I say I'm stage 4. I am, by definition, stage 4, but I'm NED, so is it even ok for me to call myself stage 4 when so many others are incurable? I think you definitely count as a "pink sister." A cancer diagnosis is a cancer diagnosis and it's hard to go through no matter the stage. If the people getting preventative mastectomies (without the cancer diagnosis) are calling themselves survivors, then you definitely deserve the title. Love the rest of what you said

[@janinealexa567]

@@SamanthaL thank you for that perspective! 💗

[@Kristen10-22]

After my oncologist told me I was “cancer free” at 36yo I was happy for literally a second. My mind then turned to when will it come back being BRCA 2+ & the next thought “God why did save me but not her?”

[@Kristen10-22]

I also can’t stand when people call me a “survivor or how strong” I am

[@Ranchladytmd]

Yep cancer survivor with massive guilt. I suffer more from reoccurrence fear.

[@hotshot3d]

Be aware of the fact that guilt is a low vibe negative emotion, and convert the guilt into gratitude.

[@travelgirl7967]

I don't have nor have I ever had survivor's guilt. The reason other people have died or that I'm still here is just bad luck and good luck. And for me after initial diagnosis of stage 1 cervical cancer in 2018, local recurrence in 2019, then NED, then another recurrence in 2020 to stage 4 with a 17% survival rate and typical timeframe of 12-18 months. Now NED so far. Why am I surviving? I was just lucky that the chemo which was supposed to be palliative not curative, plus my Care Oncology Protocol on the side, happened to work....so far. I don't feel guilt. It's just luck. Maybe some people feel guilt because they think they're special in some way, I don't know. It's all just the randomness of the universe. Nalie's death really upset me even though I could see how much she was deteriorating over the last year. And I've been watching non-stop so many cancer stories, so many deaths, recurrences. I'm having my next PET-CT in 2 days so the last few weeks and especially this week, I had to take PTO just to deal with the scanxiety. Hoping the universe is kind to extend my luck some more.

[@SamanthaL]

Thanks for sharing! I think this comment may help someone :) Hoping your scan goes well!

[@callyflower]

I agree. I am 6 years post diagnosis and do not feel guilty that I am alive, nor do I feel bad about not feeling guilty. My career was in health care. Some people recover from horrible illnesses and others die from relatively minor ones. That’s just the fact, and guilt is a wasted emotion. Fear of recurrence is very real to me. It is a process to learn to deal with that. I do better some days than others.

[@travelgirl7967]

@@callyflower 6 years! How wonderful! Long may it continue! So pleased for you. I'm also happy to report my PET-CT a couple days ago was NED. So relieved and feel the opposite of guilt! Hopefully moving forward, I'll learn how to manage the fear much better that I did this time. Maybe the key is to just focus on living life to the max so that should my luck run out, I'll have no regrets. Wish you the best as well!

[@janwarriner6554]

Personally I’m a follower of God. I feel He has a plan for each of us. You are serving your “purpose” by the enlightenment you share…your experiences, your attitude throughout. I am grateful you survived and have helped so many others. ❤️ I have admired and respected how you dealt with your illness.

[@SamanthaL]

I’m with you! Thank you for the kind comment :)

[@eleanorlyons9709]

I had cancer come back for the second time in 2020 in a totally different area a year and a half after my first cancer surgery but I didn't even think about it recurring or coming back because I only had surgery the first time around

[@SamanthaL]

That makes sense. Seems very unexpected. Hope you’re doing ok

[@EmEm872]

I feel survivors guilt so strongly having had early bc and now being NED. last year 3 of my close friends died from mbc, 2 of them a lot younger than me and so many times I ask "why them and not me?".

[@SamanthaL]

I’m sorry to hear that. Hoping it will get better with time ❤️

[@cathy5070]

You ok? Haven't heard from you in awhile.

[@AnnaBulaklak369]

I have Schizophrenia and has some survivor's guilt for mentally ill people who died from suicide in the past back when the antipsychotic meds aren't invented.

[@Armistead_MacSkye]

I've revisited this video, because I'm starting radiation. I was wrong: chemo destroys all the copies of Cancer extant in the body (the Oncologists say), I know how lucky I am,and I do feel a lot of empathy for those who perhaps won't survive the treatment process, or through circumstances, don't get treatment as soon as they should. Why me? Why was I chosen to survive? Existential thoughts for my upcoming b'day.

[@SamanthaL]

I hope radiation goes well and happy birthday!

[@Armistead_MacSkye]

@@SamanthaL It's today. Thank you, Samantha. 💐

[@northsouth252]

Just wondering if you're ok? Not uploaded recently.

[@SamanthaL]

Doing ok! We have been really busy lately with the move

[@AF-gd7fh]

How do you get rid of the negative intrusive thoughts? Do you just try to something to distract yourself? I don't have cancer but get thoughts like this about other things and I'm not very good at getting rid of them when dwelling on negative things for to long is no good for anyone. I just haven't found a solution.

[@SamanthaL]

It’s hard to give advice because I know it’s going to be different for every person. I definitely let myself think about them. I give myself time to freak out as much as I want sometimes. But, I also know it’s important not to dwell on them. I basically have to force myself not to think that way for too long because I know it will be bad for me if I do. I do whatever I can to make my mind think positively because that’s the way to survive. It’s hard to explain how to do that but it’s something I had to learn during treatment

[@SamanthaL]

Just recognizing the problem is a good first step though and I hope it gets easier for you

[@r2488]

@@SamanthaL haven’t heard from you in a few months. You’ve been on my mind and I hope you’re doing alright.

[@marciacapell1541]

I feel guilty not takin that anastrozole pill 😂but Iam still not doin it! Lolol I just CANT. 😂❤ just the thought of my quality of life being ruined if I try that again keeps me from going back to it. I took it for a year 😃 🤣🤣🤣 whoo hoo!! 🎉

[@SamanthaL]

lol well you know I couldn't do it either

[@karenkane3220]

Do you follow Stephanie Seban as well?

[@SamanthaL]

I have at times, but not much lately

[@veronicapino3733]

Tu tipo de cáncer TIENE que ser de origen genético. Es casi imposible que a tu edad tengas cáncer de mama sin que exista una mutación genética. A mi me diagnosticaron a los 46 años y me dijeron que era poco frecuente que se presente la enfermedad a esa edad y efectivamente al realizarme el estudio arrojó como resultado que tengo una mutación en el gen BRCA.

[@Elyndyr]

What's important is also not to be too sure about being a "survivor" early on with cancer. Only after 5 years after being declared cancer free you can actually wear that title.

[@SamanthaL]

It depends on the person. I thjnk you’re a survivor as soon as you get cancer. You’re surviving until you aren’t

[@evalinemama]

Yea that is just your opinion. Sounds like you are trying to gatekeep the title of survivor. Plus your cancer can still come back after 5 years.