How to Validate Someone's Feelings

[@justjennaish]

Hi! Just popping my 2c in here. When someone is 'emotionally venting' to you, they aren't looking for arguments or rebuttal or solutions - YET. The goal of emotional validation is to help the person to feel that their emotional experience is recognised, understood, *allowed to exist*, and essentially OKAY. Unlike arguments, emotions are not true or false, wrong or right - this is not the correct language to use in thinking about emotions (though many of us have been conditioned to believe that certain purely emotional responses are praiseworthy or blameworthy). Generally speaking, emotions just *ARE*, and a lot of the time they are not intended or controlled by the person who feels them - they just are what they are, coming and going as they do. A lot of the time, people feel guilty/confused about or misunderstand their OWN emotions, and so they need to be able to externally process their emotion in a 'safe space' in order to then evaluate what to DO or how to ACT based on the emotion - or even just to make sense of a feeling they have that feels unsettling to them in some way. If people feel 'shut down' when trying to express and process their emotion, the risk is that they will internalize or repress that emotion and it will then inevitably come out in other, harmful ways. Validating someone's emotional experience does not mean you agree with the ideas they express or the judgements they make, or the arguments they put forward. At a very bare minimum, it means that you give someone's feelings a non-judgemental 'space to exist'. In a 'best case scenario', you would actually try to understand the feeling and give verbal affirmation such as 'that must be hard for you', etc, as Kristin has outlined. Note: comments like 'I can see why you might feel upset' and ' that must be hard for you' are NOT the same as 'I agree with what you're saying' or 'that's true/false'. Similarly, someone's emotional response to a certain situation might be different from the way you might respond in the same situation - but again, what's important is giving the OTHER person's feelings space to exist and be expressed. When people are in a heightened emotional state, they are generally less capable of hearing and understanding intellectual arguments. If you can be open to their emotional expression and let them externally process their emotional experience, then they will be far more likely to be open to your own arguments / solutions / input AFTERWARDS, whenever they are calm and their 'emotional brain' is less intensely engaged. At the heart of it, in validating someone's feelings, your fundamental goal is better communication and therefore a better relationship - which is obviously in your best interest. (Disclaimer: as Kristin mentioned, obviously the context of the relationship is important).

[@FalconOfStorms]

wrong

[@FalconOfStorms]

;)

[@ReinhardMcKinky]

This was helpful. Clarifying the "allowed to exist" mindset in particular, because that's so far outside of my personal view of things, that it sounds absurd. I'm not even sure what to say in relation to that, because it makes no sense to me. I guess it's due to feeling functions being socially oriented, so there's worry about being "allowed to exist" with the group. As a thinker, I'd compare emotions to ideas. A smart person can have bad ideas, in the same way someone who isn't crazy can have irrational feelings. Exploring both is the only way to gain more understanding of what's being thought/felt. I'd say more, but that's a weird thing to shove into my understanding. 😅

[@munclife4435]

Wow, that was incredibly explained. Greatly appreciated that!

[@andrewdinfela1077]

I was trying to write something then i see this comment. It's as good as the video, I really appreciate what you put out here. And to Kristin too, great great video here. You know you're so right saying emotions just *ARE*. It's true sometimes things just are, with no adjectives.

[@hj_lostintheinternet3754]

As an Ne auxillary, I use the following way to hear someone out: keep asking questions. Don't answer anything, don't make counter-arguments or opinions, don't say empathic statements, just ask questions. The other person will be encouraged to open up more, and in the process, they (usually) figure out what they want to do by themselves. Thank you for this video though! It's really helpful. - INTP

[@greenlimabean]

Thank you, INTP. I know you've tested this advice and learned it on your own. Id like everyoneto figure out their problems and if my listening , asking g questions can ellivut that, than I'll do it.

[@ReinhardMcKinky]

Thinkers: "The solution is to throw a feeler at them!" (Not literally, normally.)

[@claytonpayne2408]

I can confirm, this strategy works. It keeps Thinkers from ruining someone else's day.

[@cdcs_edits]

You can’t do that if it’s a married couple who are trying fix emotional problems and one of them is a Thinker. Lol.

[@waftsofpetrichor]

Which I can guarantee, they do a lot.

[@tatyannafrancis9935]

Had a neat experience today after watching this video. I was playing chess with my ten year old sister (whom I‘m pretty confident is a feeler) and as her odds of winning really started going down the drain, she started to curl up into this ball of sadness and droopiness like she always does. My knee jerk instinct was to say “you don’t need to get sad *every* time you lose” sort of thing, but then my shoulder Kristin showed up to remind me of this video, so I tried some of the techniques and ended up having a really insightful conversation with my sister about how she feels hopeless and like she’ll never improve and I was able to comfort her a bit and we came up with a strategy to help her improve her chess skills, and overall it was just a nice little bonding experience when normally she would distance herself and I would not know what to do. So yeah, thanks Kristin for the advice :)

[@dearkristin]

Amazing! I'm so glad! Thank you for sharing!!

[@miahan8988]

Your sister sounds like a Fi user (Fi tends to withdraw in order to analyse and “feel” because it’s an introverted function). That was very sweet and uplifting of you to talk to her like that :)

[@akendrick451]

"my shoulder Kristin" - great phrase

[@absolutelypointlessvideos707]

@@akendrick451 I love it because there's already a video with shoulder kristins

[@LatIenws]

Lolol awww this is so cute

[@farrex0]

As a Ti user (ENTP), I am not a fixer, unlike Te users, Ti wants to understand. But that doesn't mean we fare better with validating feelings than high Te users. Because Ti wants to analyze the why you are feeling that way, which sounds better. But it isn't, because we start doing things like playing devil's advocate. To determine whether your feeling is valid or not. Does it make sense you are feeling that way or not? For example, your relative died, ok it is valid to feel bad and I will be there for you. I will not try to fix, but cry with you, share the burden and validate you. But, when it becomes more murky... for example, you had a fight with your best friend. Ok I understand that would make anyone feel bad. But Ti has to determine whether you have a valid reason to feel that way. So that is when I start becoming a devil's advocate to prod and see if it wasn't as one sided as they make it out to be. The more the other person makes it seem like they did nothing wrong and it was the other person had all the blame. The more I won't believe them. If they say something like, "Ok, I know I did wrong, but I feel bad anyways" then I will validate them. But if they are like " I was an angel adn this came out of nowhere" I will be like "Really? Are you sure?". And then, if it is somethign silly, like for example. "I was crying all night, because this person looked at me the wrong way, they surely hate me". I am like really? that is no valid reason to cry, are you even sure they hate you or are you reading too much into it? Now, it is impossible for me to validate without knowing the full story, and assessing who was right, or if it is somethig valid. But the way I have overcome this, is that you do not have to validate why they feel that way. Just acknowledge they feel bad, try and avoid the reason entirely. Say something like "I know you feel bad, and it is only natural". And then start the interrogation process on the victim.. I mean friend.

[@farrex0]

You have to understand Ti, Ti makes the slowest judgements out of all the judging functions. If a Ti user starts questioning, it is because they do not believe you, but bare in mind that it is because we do not believe anything. We have to process it, before we can make a judgement call, and for that we need more information. So the TI user is not against you, but as always, is being neutral. The starting point of Ti is always neutrality. For example, when people want to cancel someone. Suddenly all this headlines say that "x" actor did somethign very controversial. Everyone either jumps on the hate wagon, or protects them. Meanwhile me, I take an stance of neutrality and am like, we do not have enough information, we have to wait until more information comes out. The same way, when you come to me with your feelings, my brain is like, I do not have enough information to formulate an opinion. I am always like, the more information I get the better (which is Ne), but Ti doesn't want to jump to conclussions, in fact in most things we do not even formulate an opinion. Granted when we do formulate an opinion, it will be hard to convince us otherwise, because we feel like we already did our homework and thought about things for a long period of time..... And here goes my Ne, now I am talking about somethign entirely different, lmao. But I will keep it, because it might help people undertsand the Ne Ti process, or at least mine.

[@cdcs_edits]

Most of the Ti users I’ve known like to fix emotional problems. It’s not just a Te thing. Even ISFJs and INFJs can have this problem of fixing.

[@farrex0]

@@cdcs_edits Well true, but it is due to Fe. Fe also wants to fix it, but in a different way. But look at high Ti users, compared to high Fe users, they tend to be more of a fixer. Te might want to fix in a pragmatic way, like this is what you need to do or should have done. Fe will be in a more trying to make you feel better way, inestad of validating. Of course, they both can learn to validate, but I am talking more on the average Fe user. Ti tends to be a more, individualistic function, a more everyone carries their own weight and deal with their own problems. That is until Fe comes into play. Definitely things are way more complex, than just saying all Ti users are like this, because Fe also plays a role. Even when I said my Ti has to determine validity before I validate, my validation comes in the way of Fe of wanting to fix the problem via making the person feel better. I only learnt to validate because I realized it was what worked the best. But it is still because I want to fix their feelings. But Ti has to approve of it first.

[@cdcs_edits]

@@farrex0 Huh… Interesting. 🤔 I love your perspective on this!

[@farrex0]

@@cdcs_edits I think Fi is the best equipped to deal with emotions. Because they will allow the person to feel the emotions, regardless of validity. They accept all the spectrum of emotions, and realize that negative emotions are not necessarily bad, they are just natural. They will not try to fix, unless Te gets in the way. The second best is Fe, but Fe will be more like, negative emotions? We can't have that. Let me make you feel better, via trying to modify how you feel. Te will be like, what is the problem that is causing the emotion? Let me fix it for you then, or tell you how to fix it. Without the problem, the negative emotion will go away... right? And then you have Ti... which will be like, I will determine whether that feeling is valid or not. And if it is, I will let Fe take the reigns, for now. Overly simplified, but I think it is accurate to a certain extent.

[@akendrick451]

Thanks Kristin, great video. When trying to validate another's experience, I find that the fogging technique can also assist. Fogging is used especially for manipulative conversations, but can also be used in situations as you mention. You fog by agreeing in principle, in part or in probability. E.g. if My girlfriend said - "You never listen to me and it's really hurtful" and I know that I listen to her, it doesn't help for me to say that I do listen, but to agree in principle - eg "When one person doesn't listen to another it really sucks". Here I'm not agreeing that I'm not listening, but am agreeing to the principle. I can also paraphrase to hear her need - "It sounds like you want me to understand you better or in another way - or you're not feeling like I'm hearing you? Is that right?" Fogging, was developed by the author of When I say no I feel guilty, Manual J Smith. Part of this technique is also using Non - Violent Communication, developed by Marshall Rosenberg. ISFJ

[@LAL7887]

oooh this sounds interesting, I might use it!

[@NoticeMeSenpaiii]

I didn't think I was any good at this because other people being vulnerable with their emotions is super awkward and uncomfortable for me, but I do most of these things and use these phrases, so I'm doing a little bit of something right. I really struggle not to go into "fixing" mode or "look at the bright side" mode, but it's something I've been working on. I grew up in a home where negative emotions weren't welcome, so I'm uncomfortable around them, and I'm really good at finding the silver lining and being happy in any upsetting situation. I feel like I can acknowledge and validate someone's emotions and try to cheer them up at the same time, so it's wild to me that people find optimism to be invalidating a lot of the time. That they want/need to sit with their negative emotions without looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. It's something I'm working on, but I just don't get it. To me, the "yeah, that sucks, you should be upset" response (albeit in gentler words) makes me feel like the person doesn't care.

[@dearkristin]

Yeah, a lot of this is about getting to know the person and giving them what they need specifically in the moment. There are so many ways to recognise an emotion, and I've found that people are much happier to listen to the optimism/"fixing" once that has been done!

[@LAL7887]

I totally feel you, I have to stop myself from "look at the bright side"-ism Are you mayhaps an INFJ?

[@draspotnuk]

NT tricks I learned as an INTJ when it comes to feelings; - never use the word why, get creative in asking it another way if you really need to. Otherwise get it out of your system. - Repeat what they said to you. Sometimes do this while they are telling you. eg. Fi- I was hurt because they totally looked over me as an option. Te (your response)- You're hurt because they looked over you. You can even be a zombie when you do this, it works that well. - rewards afterwards. Get some ice cream or something sweet. you're welcome.

[@Marina_7]

As an FI saviour who's had NT's do this... I agree with the first one, it may depend on the situation but yeah. As for the second with repeating, that can be the fastest and clearest way to make that person believe (or realize) that you don't understand at all and don't try to, plus that you're very obviously faking empathy to get them to shut up. Of course, the intention is likely to genuinely learn/listen/help/empathize in a better way, but by repeating their exact words it may look very fake, at least in my experience, it probably depends on the problem too though. But if this genuinely worked for you, that's great! P.S.: My advice would be to: - listen - agree that it sucks - try to get their viewpoint or be on their side as much as reasonably possible - if there is a solution, help implement it (Te superpower!) - maybe share some of that ice cream with that person if it's a close one, it might help you both 😁

[@draspotnuk]

@@Marina_7 absolutely wonderful addition. Thank you. the second piece has no malice or pretentiousness behind it, its just the bare bones to the method. Provide feedback to the feelings.

[@Marina_7]

@@draspotnuk I would also add, acknowledging/validating when you agree with or like someone's reasonings/explanations (because of inferior Te probably?) is so great, you just instantly put a big smile on my face just by this response. So thank you too 😁

[@thatbearsammy3991]

Right, agree is the king of all, i found out that my face is totally emotionless especially, when somebody tells something about their feelings, so for me getting angry is easier than any other, so it is helpful to be angry at the thing together with the person, and if i can remember somthing similar of my own i get angrier than then, so they quickly get over it, because apparently i sent enough curses already😶

[@nickmerchant4588]

Already loving the new series. There were some good reminders in there even for us Fi-dims.

[@vcasxsnk]

[furiously jots down everything] thank you, good soul.

[@keitsukishima1852]

This video was very much required. I have ISFP best friend and m an ENFP so m out doing all sorts of things and many times putting others before me but my best friend is very sorted and prioritizes her mental health . Absolutely love all ur videos. We both are addicted to ur videos .

[@Cherry.Blossom]

Wow, it was really helpful video. As an INTP I find it so hard and awkward to comfort someone. I love the "at the same time" tip. It's brilliant! Thanks for sharing!

[@onajideshou3345]

My tip as an ISFP is to ask them (when they are in a good mood) how they would like to be comforted. And also explain your tendency for awkwardness in these situations. They would understand and appreciate your willingness to be there even if you didn't know what to do.

[@AlliyahPerry]

Sending this to my INTJ husband as an ENFP this is VERY much needed thank you so much!!!!! We were just talking about validating feeling and I was emotional and I'm sure he didn't fully get it. 🖤

[@barrydworak]

It helps when the ENFP has compassion for the other type, who finds the ENFP to be really exhausting sometimes.

[@AlliyahPerry]

@@barrydworak oh I do!! Trust me I work on my patience everyday!!! It's a challenge because we both have ADHD as well.... Lol our household is a little much sometimes.

[@barrydworak]

@Alliyah Perry ah. Might as well just roll with it then. 🤷

[@miahan8988]

@@AlliyahPerry bless 😆

[@AlliyahPerry]

@@barrydworaklol yup. It is what it is.... Or so I tell myself often!

[@DrMd-jr3xt]

Hello! I'm an INTP and I made it all the way through until she said thank you for watching! I've been trying to engage with my friends' deeper emotions and letting them know that I'm here for them if they want to talk about anything. This was a really nice video to break it down and spell out some things to say and to definitely not say lol. "You're so dramatic" was something I grew up hearing many many times from my sister and no one ever told her off for it--not even my ENFJ mom :D I also like what you said about asking directly if they want advice or if they want a pity party. Trying to read their mind doesn't make the interaction more meaningful, NFJs haha. My attitude toward that topic is that giving advice is how to show that I care and want to remedy their suffering. It feels to me like if I don't give them advice, I'm abandoning them and leaving them to rot in their crappy situation. However, I know that it's not important that I understand why they want what they want from me (although as an INTP, I assume if they're talking to me about a problem, they want to solve it because why would they talk to ME if they didn't want a solution lol) and I should learn how to just listen without contributing anything if that's what they want. They don't need a reason to want or not want anything. I would like to see a flip side of this video, which would be how to open up about your feelings and maybe how to find a trustworthy person who might do a few of the things in this video. When listening to other people talk about their feelings, I always feel like saying how I feel automatically dismisses what they're feeling, and I don't want to do that if they're my friend (I'll work on expanding that to include if they're saying how they feel at all but one thing at a time), and I feel like I can't talk about my problems to someone who has it worse than I do, which is most people, honestly. If you've read all of this, go outside, drink some water, and stretch your neck.

[@emmastuck]

As an ENTJ, I also made it to the end! I have figured some of this out myself, but I do love the step-by-step format of this SO much.

[@thepickles8833]

When “Thinking Thursday” for us unfeeling robots?

[@ramzansson395]

Can we just be amazed the fact that Kristin has a T-shirt that says "ESFP". I'm so happy for you!! **while at the same time as an INFJ so jealous of you and everyone else have such an amazing life than mine 🙂🤣🤣😭

[@whitneya272]

Came for the funny skits and amazing acting; stayed for the self-improvement. Thanks - local ISTP

[@traditionalgirl3943]

I like the “use ‘at the same time’ instead of ‘but’” advice. That was a gem. I watched to the end. To constantly put that much effort to communicate does not sound doable for me but I will consider delivering some of my messages in the way others will “hear” better. (ISTP)

[@mayo_nnais3]

i'm an ENTP who struggles with my Fe. thank you so much for this, very well-made and easy to follow along whilst not being boring.

[@tatyannafrancis9935]

As an ENTP with blind spot Fi… this is exceptionally helpful, thank you Kristin 😅😅

[@tatyannafrancis9935]

Also, I’m a thinker who made it to the end of the video :)

[@purvabriesmonic]

Yeah ENTP here too. I really don't know where and how to even start. To truly get good at this I'd need to be a different type, I die if I can't say the truth lol

[@tatyannafrancis9935]

@@purvabriesmonic One of my favourite quotes ever is “Compassion without truth is a jerk move. And truth without compassion… is also a jerk move.” You don’t have to lie to learn how to be more compassionate… leastways that’s what I’m experimenting with 🤞🏻

[@purvabriesmonic]

@@tatyannafrancis9935 Nice quote :)

[@BartholomewHenryAllen]

I am an INTP and I needed this. 😅 You really do a great job portraying the different personalities. I'd like to know how I can understand them as well as you. Please make a video explaining your method of understanding the different preferred cognitive stacks in a specific mbti and how they work together or against each other in given situations.

[@fandanga80]

"Don't make jokes", "don't be distracted", "don't talk about stuff"...as an ENFP this mission seems impossible... especially since we are Fi which makes talking about feelings a quite uncomfortable situation to begin with most of the time....

[@thinpig94]

As an ENFP I agree. Maybe it’s just my issue but find it difficult to empathize with others’ emotions and naturally want to trivialize/judge someone who is “argumentative”, “over sensitive”, “selfish”. That’s less about on the being distracted side but being compassionate and patient is definitely something I need to work on.

[@TamiVroma1]

Absolutely made it to the end...it was exactly what I was looking for and i have almost two pages of notes!

[@ashleyjoseph5206]

Thank you for this! I’m a thinker who made it to the end, watched it numerous times, and made notes.

[@matthewriley4935]

ENTJ - made it to the end. I love this stuff and I really appreciate the video. Please make more like this!

[@user-uzmpy432]

Te Dom here. Thank you very much for this wonderful lesson about feelings. I'm trying my best to be more compassionate and care for the people I care about. Again thank you, I appreciate your help. 🙂

[@klewis2048]

INFP. Listening is my superpower.

[@onajideshou3345]

I'm an ISFP who naturally does all of these things without realising. I am honestly amazed to see how well you've laid these out in an organised way. I think I would have trouble doing the same. I guess the parent function is the more responsible one. Very insightful to have my actions be put into words. Thank you.

[@Noelciaaa]

Thank you! That's been really helpful and validating! I'm an ENTP but i worked hard to develop my tert Fe and I must say I used most of these tips already, I managed to just figure it out by trial and error and thinking how I wish people responded to me. :D. But I was still missing the "going deeper into feelings" bit, cause usually after initially hearing the person out I would try to understand the issue at hand in a more complete way than the depth of emotion. So I will use these phrases you proposed about helping the person express that depth and for myself to listen to this better. I usually listen to a person vent in the first part and then ask whether they want for me to comfort them or should I give solutions. Even when they say this is just comfort, at the end when they feel better they usually end up asking what they should do so we get to analyse the situation anyways. Makes us both happy, really. But these phrases to never say physically hurt me cause of my god every single one my parents would say... And then my mom would also tell these mega tangential stories and about her feelings even if this wasn't even an issue involving her at all. Lmao. So this is why I tried so hard to learn to handle these things well so that nobody I care about will feel like me back then... :C My favorite "thinker" phrases for validation are "This is very understandable" or "it is natural to feel X way in such situation" or I even found people actually being perceptive to Ti-isms such as rationalising how their feelings are valid bc of objective reasons when this person is putting themselves down, doubting themselves etc. Like when people have unhealthy beliefs such as not believing they can ever succeed etc - me presenting to them how this is a claim with no ground to stand on, it does not hold up logically and reminding them of challenges they had managed to overcome before that which prove they are capable. Ofc I do this after purely emotional validation. But if they have the emotional and logical kind, it's like handing them this dual weapon to fight such harmful belief with. :D

[@nutellafrogs4269]

My Fe inferior is discombobulated by how well you can even fathom having this conversation. How does one learn such sorcery?

[@miahan8988]

One thing that helps are fiction books :) read about as many people as you can feeling different things in different situations (morally grey or questionable decisions are even better at getting into the nitty and gritty of human psyche). This will let you see different ways people deal with and process things and help your Fi grow a lot :)

[@onajideshou3345]

@@miahan8988 Agreed! Psychological shows are a favourite of mine that help feed Fi

[@MichaelGrundler]

Of course I made it to the end of the video as a thinker. This is great advice after all, especially for us. As a Ti and Se user I really appreciate the inclusion of those concrete practical examples and the structured approach to handling an emotional situation. Being able to apply those in real life is a completely different story however … By the way, this feels like a nice complementary video to Heidi Priebe's videos about navigating conflict in regards to the different attachment styles (and her videos about attachment styles in general).

[@DefaultChicken]

Hey, you most likely wont read your comment. But I just wanteed to say I'm shocked at the production quality of your videos and the fresh air that they are. you get straight to the point and are amazing. I have subscribed!

[@cdcs_edits]

Your Te was strong in this video. Love this!

[@lauren185]

I'm a thinker and made it to the end of this video. I am very interested in emotions and think about them in a logical way. So, thank you for a logical based approach, it made a lot of sense. For me it's about applying the right formula based approach for solving a problem in a given situation. And, I think that getting good at understanding emotions and being in tune with them in other people and in ourselves is paramount to leading a healthy. You summed validation up perfectly. 😊

[@brightboy3626]

ENTP here yes i made it to the end, mainly because Fe is very important to me atm

[@akaboo69]

I think I naturally validate feelings but I'm Fi hero. But I like this content. You're Fi parent is very well developed

[@richardmartin7904]

As my ex wife would say I was a goal oriented person and she was a people oriented person. I would ignore people on my way to the goal and she would ignore goals to help people. So all this advice explains much about why I struggle interacting with most humans. My brain was having an allergic reaction to all this advice. I am sure it is sound...but the cost for an INTJ is high. So high, that for many the cost>benefit. So, I stay alone and I am much happier.

[@jameswilkerson4412]

I’m still peeved at my wife for spending money on a dozen donuts for her workplace that could have gone to bills yesterday, but almost everyone at her workplaces always love her and most people at my workplaces barely *stand* me, so…

[@jameswilkerson4412]

(I may or may not be an INTJ)

[@-emir5484]

Omg thanks for the video, this really helped me clarify the process and how I should approach this process :))) I agree with all of these, I'm still a teenager and as an ENFP, I realized how my Te just got hold of me when someone opened their feelings to me. I tried to fix their problem instead of validating the emotions they feel, I jumped in a bit too early on the solution (with good intentions) but it most likely came off as me judging them or not caring about their emotions. I'm trying to be more mindful of creating that space you mentioned in this video before actually presenting some viable solutions, like you said that's at the very end of the process. I'm still not good at this but I see signs of improvement as I get more positive feedback from whenever people open their feelings to me, which happens a lot because yknow, ENFPs tend to do such things :)

[@francescopremsolidoro3858]

It was cool to get validation on my own methods. Less cool to think that had I had this a couple of years back, I'd not have needed to figure it out on my own. Maybe it's even cooler this way tho. Damn 'tis all cool

[@nannygoatbassoonist]

I wish schools would teach a curriculum based on this from about 3rd grade up (usually when kids start getting "clicky"). The world would be way better. That, and teaching about making committments, honesty, and just general emotional intelligence

[@xuananator]

I never realized that interrupting part way through could make someone feel like their feelings aren’t valid… that explains so, so much about why I really hate talking about my feelings with certain people… eye opening…. On the flip side, having had those experiences growing up and naturally having a bit of a tendency to want to help others emotionally, I’ve been trying to not repeat those same habits that have made me feel hurt before when trying to help others. I’m surprised that I’ve been mostly on the right track over the years tbh, as I’ve matured I think I’ve obviously gotten better at reading people and making them feel comfortable and learning how to respond so they understand that I understand or that I want to understand. Granted, I think I don’t always share my personal experiences at the right time 😅 gotta remember to wait until they’re all the way done before doing so… Still that was super interesting, didn’t expect to have the dots suddenly connect on my childhood like that lol. Thanks Kristin!

[@sophiaredwood5825]

Out of curiosity, are you an xNFP? Also I love this comment and I can personally relate to it a ton :))

[@xuananator]

@@sophiaredwood5825 yes I am haha very much so. Infp to be exact

[@sophiaredwood5825]

@@xuananator Bahahaha you have the vibe :)) ENFP here!! 🤩💞

[@xuananator]

@@sophiaredwood5825 lol true true

[@PumpkinIsQueen]

These tips are golden! I need to watch this every morning to get this to sink in. And I’m a feeler! 😆 I can’t hold back the advice and ideas…likely because the only time I’ll bring something up is when I’m desperate for help…but I need to remember that not everyone is coming from the same place as I am. Keep these amazing Fi Fridays coming, Kristin! (Thank you for sharing them with us ❤️)

[@Vistlivia]

INTJ here, I do know how to communicate with my ENTP partner which I genuinely care about, but it's very hard with not so well known feelers. Like colleagues, who just come ranting, and you need to say something fast, so you can return to work knowing, that you haven't offended anybody. I've tried sympathetic noises, that were right, and "It'll be okay" phrase, that were not. Still looking for a quick fix for that inconvenience. Watched the video till the end, and it was very helpful, thanks!

[@salemsmith2878]

Now you need to do a video on each of the personality types having watched this video, and proceeding to take your advice...

[@keenbay]

I am so so guilty of making jokes to try to alleviate stress. Hence the reason I'm trying to learn empathy. Thanks for helping me Dear Kristin.

[@ZacharyT94]

I’d say “It’ll all work out in the end” is valid but the timing of that is CRUCIAL, usually once you’ve already validated their feeling and helped them feel better, the “Don’t worry” bit is not something I like to use though.

[@lynnes1864]

INTP, made it to the end. It's good advice and at the same time a couple things were bothering me. I've had experience with people who have had anger issues and had big emotional reactions to things most people would consider minor (like I folded the towel "wrong"?!) . So I'm glad you said our feelings matter, too. Also, I avoid people who like to consistently complain about the same easily solvable problem. I find it so irritating, especially if I'm not close to them in the first place. Validating and not jumping in too soon with a solution has helped me communicate better with my daughter, though, who I think is an INFJ.

[@emilys3638]

Firstly I totally hear your frustrations, and have dealt with some similar ones myself. Regarding the first one about the towel being folded wrong and other seemingly irrational or out of proportion reactions, I have often found it helpful in those situations to ask, "Is there something deeper going on here? I understand you like things done a certain way, but you seem quite upset, so I'm wonder if there is more behind this that you would like to talk about as well?" If they deny the idea that there's anything more to it, then I guess you could just respond that you'll try harder in the future to make the towels look nice, but my personal opinion is that if they are that picky about it, perhaps they shouldn't be asking others to do the folding? But that's just me... I'm very particular about certain things, but I understand not everyone is, so I won't even mention it unless there is risk of harm to the object if it's not treated properly. But anyway! You are certainly warranted to be upset for someone blowing up at you over inconsequential matters like this. I'm sad to hear that's been your experience. It's also really wonderful that you're putting in such effort to improve communication with your daughter. My mom and I have had to put a lot of intention and careful thought into our relationship (she's ISTP and I'm ISFP), so I'm here to say that it can be difficult but it's extremely worthwhile, and can be quite effective to not only help both parties feel more loved and understood, but also to keep things running more efficiently! My mom has gotten much better at not triggering my "Fi meltdown/shutdown" sequence over the years, and I've in turn put in effort to not trigger her "Ti fuse blow" so often either... Improvement is possible and worthwhile! Best of success to you!

[@tysimon]

PS: you're an extremely intelligent extrovert, your videos are very well made.

[@isabellodoso9246]

I'm a thinker (INTJ) who always will make it to the end of every single video you share with us around here, because I know whatever you bring out will be useful or really funny (most of the time both) Actually I would like more content like this, so I can learn and understand better. Ty

[@kylesavage4525]

This is by far the biggest confirmation that i'm a ''T'' type. I would never be able to say most of these phrases to anyone i'm close with and even if i did that person would either think i am making fun of him/her or they'd just stop talking about their feelings and instead they would ask me if i'm alright. Don't get me wrong. The video was very helpful (and yes i did watch it till the end) but i will adjust my responses to something that would come natural and seem honest of me to say. Plus i wouldn't want them to think that i suffer from multiple personality disorder, have an existential crisis or am going through a very tough period in my life since that would urge them to keep checking up on me by constant texting, calling or god forbid unannounced house visits. Can't have that as an INTP.

[@FluffyEmmy1116]

10:02 As an Ni dom, those run through my head every time, tbh. But I can also easily assess how relevant it is and whether or not the other person would be receptive to a looser Ni connection. ~INFJ 9

[@montealegreluis5983]

This videos are that little aproches moments toward your favourites tubers and their thougths ❤ krispykins 😂😂

[@briands2104]

I'm an INTJ and watched it twice! A lot to unpack here. You did a nice job of walking through this and giving us something to reflect and work on. I need to do better in this regard and know I've been guilty of using a couple of the phrases that you pointed out, which are not good (the second set of them - mostly trying to put things into perspective - it's how I often try to cope with issues - though it's not for everyone). Love the suggestion for replacing the word "but" as it can be perceived negatively. Love your skits and these are great segments too - also love the nickname!

[@lanaop7733]

I’m a female INTP and a type 4 on the enneagram which means I tend to prioritize emotional expression more than a stereotypical INTP type 5. I am able to analyze my emotions and tell my ESFP boyfriend exactly what hurt me. My childhood trigger is not being seen, understood or heard. Unfortunately though it takes me an hour+ for me to pass through his defenses. He is in competition mode with me not cooperation. I sent him this video to help… hoping it’ll land right since this is his fellow ESFP talking.

[@Marses970]

WOW That’s a lot of information!

[@Mart-Bro]

I'm a thinker who made it to the end of this helpful video :)

[@saralaradji6766]

Bruh , THIS is one of my biggest communications issues EVER , like god damn i am an ENFJ , i was supposed to be good at this , INNATELY, so why am i not 😤🤨 , like i don't have issues with detecting someone emotional discomfort, i catch it flying in the air , i always ask first, in the most appropriate timing, i don't force it , i say the right things to initiate , oh and i actively listen, like ACTIVELY, no one is more intrested then me in your emotional experience, BELIEVE me , but , a big but , i can't maintain the listening for long , for as long as that person need , the whole time i be itching to do the talking for them or to show them the solutions so that their pain ends , and the moment i start doing that , that person shut down immediately, there is nothing harder then being bad at Fe for an enfj , i guess mainly for two reasons, one i don't understand how some poeple can talk for hours and just VENT ? Like okay , i give you half an hour, an hour to get it out of your syst and for me to get some exposition ,but next we gotta move to some problem solving and getting some prespectives on this issue, cause that's what i usually want from my venting sessions, yes vent + pls tell me how to think or deal with this in a way that won't hurt anymore, like effective immediately, so i can get on with my life , how can you just want to vent ? Talk to the mirror, i can't just exist to tell you "oh that must have been hard " that's like the most unhelpful thing ever , second, and i will probably get murdered by Fi users for this but are all emotions really VALID ? , like ALL ? i honestly believe they are REAL but VALID? ,you telling me the emotional drama of some pumpered 17 years old princess about her daddy not getting her the brand she wants are VALID ? When there are poeple in the world to this day who can't secure the most basic life conditions, water level basic conditions, and i am supposed to listen to her , empathize , not judge her , nor lecture her , and to not devaluerase her emotional experience, just cause she's an acquaintance and i was dumb enough to initiate a conversation with her , REALLY? sorry but i am not that good of a person , just because someone is feeling something about something doesn't make it RIGHT to feel that way , some emotions are simply WRONG, that's why the context needs to be rediscussed , prespectives need to be shared , behaviors need to be evaluated, thoughts need to be straightened, so that we can finally CHANGE the feeling, that's how cognitive behavioral therapy work as well, i am soo sorry Fi but not all emotions are valid

[@francescopremsolidoro3858]

Krispykins made me giggle. Cool nickname, 9/10!

[@southw.9181]

I'm an ENTP and while I really do care about other people, I oftentimes have no idea how to react when they start telling me their feelings. I really appreciate this video and think it will help me in the future with my Fe. Thank you so much, Kristen!

[@camcamthemuffinman]

As a fellow entp, I can speak to the rewarding experience that is developing Fe. It helps a lot for both yourself and those around you, and (though this isn't the primary reason we develop it) it allows for much more free-flowing conversation in general once the people around you know you can relate to them in that way. And ease of conversation is always a huge plus as I'm sure you understand ahaha

[@vectors2final36]

ISTP: I thought we agreed to never speak about my feelings again.

[@macaronmaker0720]

I see it. I click it. I watch it. I love it. :) Thank you for this useful information, your videos are awesome!

[@Bob39791]

I'm a T, making it to the end of this video! Your videos are always great.

[@SS-ly2bn]

Great, great video!

[@belen_hummus]

Outstanding video. Very thorough and insightful

[@patrickturner6003]

INTP made it to the end. I will try to enact your advice though i do feel a little like a few braincells just died which is fine but genuinely destressed that I need to deal with it at all even though i do value the other person totally which is why i watched this. I just really don't feel built for this and quite honestly feels like they knew it was coming decided they would do it anyways and are now complaining that it happened all while continuing to do it. its like watching a adult see a fire, think about the fire, jump into the fire, stand in the fire, complain about the fire, and then refuse to leave the fire while at the same time setting your property on fire then expecting me to have to validate feelings about their choices and them ignoring the fact that now I am both dealing the damages that they started to my property and am now having to help them at the same time. im going to rewatch in hopes that i can make some sense out of this

[@Michael59197]

When someone comes to me for emotional validation, I slap them hard in the face. Works every time. Also, this video makes me want to pull Kristin's hair for some reason.

[@Ella-gi3xb]

Lol as an entp I love this insight on my blind spot

[@enfynet]

What about: “It’s all in your head” (Because by definition it is…)

[@cdcs_edits]

That’s invalidating. That line may make the other feel like they’re crazy or stupid.

[@enfynet]

@@cdcs_edits sorry forgot sarcasm is unavailable online 😬

[@cdcs_edits]

@@enfynet Lol, yeah. 😂

[@magus7246]

I adamantly wish this had the "UK captions"

[@yvonneandbeyond]

Oh my gosh, I totally need to swap "but" with "at the same time" when I speak to my Mom. We struggle with heart-to-heart conversations because she's quick to feel attacked and be defensive. I'm INFP btw, but I don't know what my mom is. I think she's more of a feeler than a thinker though. This was so helpful, thank you!

[@miahan8988]

Could be a high Fe user combined with either Si or Ni :) (I’m thinking either an ESFJ or an ENFJ, but I don’t have enough data, just comparing your mom to my parents).

[@anikanamisu2456]

THANK YOU FOR MAKING THIS VIDEO I've been struggling with this lately

[@Nbunasuis24]

I don't consider myself an egotistical person and quite easygoing but still find this difficult on a daily basis. My awareness is not there and I always accidentally do the opposite of validating their feelings it's frustrating

[@jameswilkerson4412]

Also phrase to avoid, “it’s just your [bipolar, generalized depressive disorder, other mental illness] talking” or “have you skipped your psych meds recently”?

[@RichSpeculation]

ENTP here. Great vid, but more importantly, I think your building's structural integrity is in doubt 😂

[@Jyval]

Thank you, this video was great! Really wish they taught this in school lol

[@anand2a222]

I won’t be baited, though ‘twas a good try: I choose to label half of my identity INFJ and the other half parts from the other thinking types; I find for myself that when I am mad I’m usually mad about something I don’t accept about myself, and so I understand how to process other people’s madnesses whenever they reveal it to me; I tell myself: don’t let emotion stop you from forgiving and moving on from mistakes, like a deep full breath reemerging from a blowhole’s spouting and then a second stream of breathed thoughts, schooled and rowed inside crows of rowdy rolling roles between migratorial poles from nature’s imaginations’ globes, planets, plants, and plannings, cropped out halvically across by fairtuous and eqen proportional acreages

[@hannarose1523]

Enfj here like OOP what's this you say🤣

[@junkonatsumizaka5149]

INTJ who made it to the end of the video because I want to be prepared to *not* fail the next time someone opens up to me. Thank you so much, Kristin!

[@natashaj9169]

INTP needed this video thanks 😊

[@jediryan9454]

You are a God sent!

[@torstenwinkler8610]

INTJ here, made it through 😁 Seriously - learning different perspectives is valid. It's a good thing to have the option to not alienate someone important. [Is it ok to weirdly think the opposite is also true? 🤔 ]

[@dudewiththehacky]

There was once a day when Kristin was my celebrity crush, but alas, after watching this video, I now know it could never be. - ENTP But for real, excellent video! I had some takeaways for sure, keep up the hard work :)

[@kassuikerbuik8676]

Thanks!! This is so helpful! As an ENFP, I instinctively imagine what I would be feeling if I was in the same situation as my friend because I always think I can make them realise why they are feeling a certain way if I give them the answer. I now see that I should give them guiding questions instead so that they can reach their own answer, thanks to you. Great work!! Also, if you're not too overwhelmed yet with requests or ideas, I would really love to hear what your view is on boundaries in friendship when it comes to venting feelings. With that I mean, when and how do you tell them that their problems or feelings are too much for you to bear? How do you prevent hurting someone's feelings by telling them you're getting exhausted by listening to them? When do you advise them to talk to a psychologist instead of you? Don't worry if you don't have time to read this! No pressure at all xx

[@bradwilliams7198]

This is really good, Kristin! Thank you for this video, and for the practical direct advice. Wishing I could send this back in time to my younger self.

[@bigd_snowbirder]

NI-DOM stare complete, now I can breathe 😀. Feelings are an anathema, but we know they exist, so we ask thoughtful questions.

[@babybread1050]

Me, an Fe user (ISFJ): "okay i need to pay attention, i really wanna do this right. Oh.. it seems like i naturally do this! Nice!^^ "

[@edwright4892]

Such a practical, experienced-based approach to relationship advice, love it! As a feeler I think I'm not too bad in this area, but you can definitely always improve, especially in the area of using emotive language which can be a trigger between me and my feeler partner! Coping with criticism is an area I could do with a ton of help on please! 😟

[@AnneleenRoesems]

This was such an insightful video. I always feel bad when I try to relate someones experience to mine by telling about how I felt in a similar situation, but as you said, I always preface with some sort of indication that it wasn't the exact same situation and that it's my way of trying to understand the other person. I also sometimes ask if it's okay if I talk about my own experiences, which also helps.

[@aprilsochic]

great video

[@humairav3900]

I rarely comment on videos but this is so constructive and well put together 🎉 Warm wishes, INFP :)

[@viralium104]

INTP here. I made it to the end of the video. Where's my "I survived" t-shirt?

[@thefirstofitskind895]

this was rly helpful!!

[@jademarie156]

Intp, I made it.

[@drw6451]

Dear Kristin, where did you receive your training? 🙏 🕊️😢

[@drw6451]

@dearkristin

[@hoibsh21]

In this age of Silence = Violence, Dear Kristin is teaching us how to communicate all over again.

[@dvdraymond]

INTP who made it to the end. Good stuff. Though admittedly I'm having flashbacks to your "The 16 Personalities' 4th Function Appearing as the Angel on Their Shoulder" video. There there. It will be ok.

[@danielfranklin9784]

I am an INTP and I made it to the end of the video. On the one hand, I think you gave some practical advice. At the same time, it would be really helpful for me if you could define what you mean by emotions being "Valid." Defining your terms would help me to understand exactly what you mean, as I have never understood what people mean by the term "Valid." Does this mean that a person's emotions should be treated as 'correct' regardless of all else? Does this mean that a person should be made to feel that it's ok to feel their emotions even if they aren't in line with reality, then, after the emotions are felt and addressed, we can address whether or not they make any sense? I get we're trying not to make them feel bad or as if they can't tell us their emotions, but beyond that I'm worried that if I don't address potentially unhealthy emotions someone is feeling then that person is just going to end up hurting themselves and possibly other people.

[@oluchukwuokafor7729]

I agree, it has to be possible for emotions to be invalid. I am always suspicious of unfalsifiable claims.

[@mmoviefan7]

this should be tought at scool, golden information. The fallpit for INFP is trying to come up with similar stories all the time

[@TheQwuilleran]

Great video!