Q&A! He's Everything I Want, But We Don't Share the Same Sense of Humor-Help! - Ep 32 - Dear Shandy

[@sarahstorla4922]

Didn’t think it was possible to like Sharleen more than I already do...and then she wore a Sailor Moon shirt

[@dearshandy]

My love of Sailor Moon will never fade! 🌙

[@bellacanta00]

You took the thought out of my brain! Singer, gamer, writer, fashionista, relationship guru, sailor moon fan; Sharleen transcends amazingness. :)))

[@sanjiyer]

Recent subscriber listener and I’m finally getting a chance to go back to some of these older episodes. My takeaway is that I love how much more open and accommodating of other perspectives Shandy has gotten with their answers over time. Shandy definitely get a lot more worked up in older episodes and answers felt much more biased to their personal experiences in these older episodes; whereas your newer episodes are refreshingly accommodating and nuanced :) for instance I get your perspective about living together before marriage but for many people around the world and other cultures that’s simply not an option. That’s a very western mentality and billions of people make it work without living together :) nothing wrong in that.

[@tjoue3007]

I've been married for 6 years and I relate so much to all the things Shandy have said they find crucial in their relationship (like sense of humour/laughing all the time, being energized together after distance/independence, not being able to picture your life without your partner), however I didn't live with my husband before we got married (it is not a common thing in my culture - it is in his). For us the first 1-2 years were an adjustment in habits, but we were committed and those things wouldn't have stopped us from being with one another. And now we have a 3 year old, pregnant with our second and our life is seamless (as can be) as far as living together (sharing chores, lifestyle, schedules), we complement each other and both fill in gaps where needed...BUT I think as Shandy said, I could be in the minority.

[@besartakajmolli5439]

I can really empathize with that last predicament as I see many parallels with my own relationship/situation - my boyfriend and I have also been together for a while (7 years) and began dating at 18 and 19, and also went through a bit of a rough patch at the beginning of COVID. As someone who is naturally super extroverted and really gets energy from social situations, it was difficult for my partner to be locked down and pretty much only see the same 2 or 3 people for months on end. Work was not bringing him joy and being stuck at home only exacerbated negative thoughts/feelings. However, the big difference for us was that we never ever lost that respect for one another. I tried my best to be supportive and help him find a routine that would make him feel more like himself and, in turn, he put in a real effort to meet me halfway and try things if only to make me happy. Anyways, we are stronger than ever now, but I do agree with Sharleen and Andy in the issues they emphasized (ie. Loss of respect, not wanting to have fun with her). Just my two cents on that! P.S Zack's email was fascinating - I so wish he'd given more detail!

[@SwissSteph]

I agree that humor is like a secret code of the soul. If you share that lens, the quality of the relationship and your life will be elevated immensely. It's also a great tool to diffuse tension, as Andy pointed out. Finally, I think being able to connect to your child-like qualities (in the gleeful, enthusiastic and silly way) is an indication of deep alignment in and of itself.

[@jennychen8826]

I think there's a difference between someone who's humor turns you off and humor that you just don't get. I don't think you and your partner needs to be completely aligned in humor, but I do think you should be able to make each other laugh.

[@Aaron-kj8dv]

It's weird that she says they're intellectually compatible, but their sense of humor is different. I've read in multiple places that humor is often a stand in for intelligence, so you would think people who are stimulated by the same subjects would have a similar sense of humor.

[@jennychen8826]

@@Aaron-kj8dv that's a really interesting point! I don't have a ton of experience in that area but the one example I can think of in my personal experience where our humors didn't match at all and i do think it had to do with intelligence levels.

[@asghiasughiqughbqwg]

Agreed with Jenny. Personally I found this advice to be some of the least compatible with my own views that I've seen on the show. My wife and I find different things funny, and that is fine because chuckling at the same thing is not close to the center of our marital satisfaction.

[@tjoue3007]

I don't think a couple has to find every single meme funny in the same way, but for me the red flag is that she finds it awkward responding to him. If my husband sent me something that I didn't find as funny, it wouldn't be a problem for me to respond with my honest reaction and him being completely ok with it.

[@ConcettaLestingi]

32 is the new 18 ☺️ 33f single here, thanks Andy! 🙏🏻

[@pattylaya]

Same, that made me feel great!

[@nobody_X24]

No way you just posted this an hour ago... I literally came to youtube and searched exactly your title 🙈🙈🙊🙊🤯 great advice, thanks!

[@francesdiago]

Agreed. The humor spark/connection is absolutely necessary for a relationship to thrive.

[@barbaramackenzie8761]

I experience joy in listening to Dear Shandy podcasts

[@jenniebunnie5]

Loved this episode! You and Andy articulate your feedback to the questions so well!! Bravo, and love you show. ♥️

[@dearshandy]

Thank you so much, Jennifer!

[@sockpuppet1]

I didn't live together with my husband before getting married and I guess it was better for us. We didn't have unsolvable "living together problems" afterwards and I think the level of commitment was helpful for us to get us over hurdles.

[@anamakesthings]

In regards to the sense of humor: I find that we relate through the sense of humor the same way we relate through the things we DISLIKE. We get to laugh/ hate on/ poke fun of similar things. For me, personally, I have always bonded more with my partners over our common dislikes, than our likes. Nothing makes me happier than giggling with my partner over whatever. It's been backbone of ploughing through anything life throws at us.

[@dearshandy]

Completely agree with this, Ana!

[@grisvolonte]

Love your sailor moon shirt 😍😭 and love this episode!! The humor thing has happened to me before and it was a dealbreaker for me. Also, great insight into the living situation

[@stephanielopez6921]

Just started watching your BIP recaps and I LOVE shandy! Y’all remind me of me and my husband. I asked my hub about his opinion on humor because honestly we are both funny-ish people (but on a scale he would be more funny but in an outgoing, loud sense and mine is like a quiet, subtle sense of humor) and many times early in our relationship we did NOT get each others sense of humor. But now after 11 years, we have both learned what makes each other laugh and we share those moments together and have our own little inside jokes - also subtle and where we can just look at each other and laugh. So I think for some (like us) the humor can grow within the relationship if you let it! To each their own!

[@sanjiyer]

Also the humor thing - I get that that’s a top requirement for you guys but again, it depends person to person. I’m just like you and my partner and I have a lot of shared humor but it’s seriously NOT the end of the world. We’re all very different people :)

[@inyoureyes25]

I appreciate both your articulation on the importance of humor. What a relief knowing I am not the only one feeling the need for this connection… last guy sent me memes I didn’t get & it was really rough for me! Lol

[@Rachel-rs7jn]

From someone who's been in a long-distance relationship for several years now, I 100% agree with your answer to the first question. He could've come to the U.S. a long time ago if we'd gotten married before we were ready, but we both agreed it would probably end up wrecking the relationship in the end because, similarly to the caller, I would be supporting him at first. Now - thanks to the pandemic - that we've had the chance to live together for several months at a time (in both the U.S. and France), we are finally sure. But it took awhile to get here and we don't regret that time. We also know how committed to each other we are, that we were willing to wait this long. I can also relate to the different senses of humor thing so much....I've had to accept that due to our different native tongues, there is a big part of my sense of humor he will never understand, specifically the casual ironic wordplay banter side. I also have had the experience described by the caller, where he'll send me memes I just really don't find funny at all. I really did struggle with this in the beginning, but eventually I realized that that loss wasn't as big as what I gain from the relationship. And our humor does overlap enough so that we can laugh together, which sounds less extreme than the caller. So in the end, it's turned out to have less importance than I initially thought. P.S. When he shares something I didn't find funny, I'm direct and just say so. I can't imagine pretending to laugh for the rest of our lives.

[@gunita83]

I disagree that you have to live together before marriage. My husband and I did similar weekends and few weeknights together prior to getting engaged. We knew each other very well, just weren’t in a position where we could live together. Now after we got engaged (after knowing each other 2 years) we did end up spending a lot of nights together 6/7 nights a week to plan the wedding so there were no surprises after the wedding. We felt we knew each other so well and had a happy marriage. Having said that a lot of couple do it after getting engaged so they can save up for a wedding. Just my 2 cents.

[@nk47100]

I also didn’t live with my husband until we got engaged. I think it’s smart to also wait for some higher level of commitment. And when you’re engaged, if you have to end it - a broken engagement sucks but it’s not a legal issue like a divorce. I felt it was a perfect step for us.

[@ningyding]

What I hear in the COVID letter is that the man is depressed and this couple is suffering from the effects of COVID: unemployment, depression, and being stuck on top of each other. It is possible that him getting medication for his depression combined with the end of COVID life would turn things around. Is a rough patch worth bailing over?

[@MizzUnique19]

I'm from germany and I think we have a lot of humor..maybe just different one. My bf is from the UK we don't have the same humor at all but we're still together & happy :) it can work

[@teaando2278]

I knew that Sharleen was the person to constantly test drive cars. 😂

[@kimberlymacek7492]

Ah I always love seeing a new video uploaded by you, but got extra excited from the thumbnail bc I also have this Sailor Moon t-shirt! 😁

[@Renkk17]

There's also another way that living together can go.....from what I've seen, some people move in together thinking that they will get married soon, but then never get married because one of them (usually the guy) decides that well we're living together like we're married and why by the cow if you got the milk for free mentality, and they get scared off because they see other married friends getting divorced and don't want to ever go thru all the legal stuff and shame

[@nk47100]

Yes. Waiting till you’re engaged is as good middle ground

[@brando091121]

Loved this episode❤️❤️

[@siwueofk]

What was the video title for the video on Dealbreakers, needs, and wants? I can't seem to find it.

[@ConcettaLestingi]

Loved that « anonymous » was an INFJ type 4. That’s me! I know sharleen is a type 4, but INFJ?

[@VV-ik7sy]

I feel like sharleen is an INFJ and Andy is an INFP! I’m an infj type 1w2 :)

[@bronwyn117]

Although I lived with a previous fiancé, I did not live with my ex-husband. We had a 28 year marriage and I thought everything was great until he decided to date without telling me! Lol!

[@terrinegron]

I couldn't live without laughing.

[@JaishriS]

Just came across this video and I have a different perspective on this whole living together before marriage thing than you Shandy! It seems to me that this whole "living together" and "test driving" is just a euphemism for dragging out the whole process of confirmation of partner decision. Would Andy or you have called quits on the relationship if say the dishwasher was loaded inefficiently or if there was a dirty bathroom? What does the experience of living together give you in terms of information about the other person? I've heard of cases where, say, a woman discovered how selfish and inconsiderate her partner was after they lived together. But, I contend that if you vet the person well, you can spot these traits beforehand and identify your dealbreakers without even living together. Like how well a person reacts on a regular weekday when things don't go well for them can be ascertained even when you don't live with said person, if you do your vetting right. Couples have been getting married successfully for ages without living together. The only context in which living together makes sense, in my view, is for couples in their 20s who want to enjoy life together and have shared experiences with no thought of marriage. For marriage-minded couples, once like Andy said he was 100% sure of you very, very quickly, living together is just adjusting to each other rather than discovering deal-breakers . After all, there are countless stories of couples who lived together for 10 years, got married and then got divorced in a year or two. It really comes down to a process of vetting and it's surprising how even long-term couples don't vet each other. You made this point in your video about how even women who were cheated on married their partners and it had nothing to do with living together. I'd like to hear your perspectives on this.

[@lvaz1248]

fighting evil by moonlight winning love by daylight

[@lvaz1248]

Sharleen is that SAILOR MOON shirt and WHERE did you get it?!

[@dearshandy]

ID'ed and linked on the blog! Click "Shop Hub" - I link out most of my outfits there. 😘

[@keepcreationprocess]

33 him? Bring him to the us ? Not a good idea, but also a good idea too. I know the answer I have dived into this topic before,but it works for me not for other people,you have to figure this out for every person,every situation. Is different. Yes, 18 the new. She has to talk to him and to his family.

[@Aaron-kj8dv]

I wish the first lady added more context about location. For example if she's from somewhere like Nicaragua and her scholarship is in Texas then it's not as far as if she was Filipina and her scholarship was in NY. Those are 2 very different experiences. Plus I'm not sure dating on a college campus at 32 years old is as appealing in reality as it might be in her mind. On the flip side if she marries him and he doesn't live up to expectations she will resent him and probably subconsciously start to blame him for her missing out on opportunities in her dating life.

[@keepcreationprocess]

Good point

[@asghiasughiqughbqwg]

For what it's worth, I don't think the research that is out there supports a conclusion that moving in together before marriage leads to happier marriages or lower rates of divorce. Intuitively you would expect it to but that is not what the numbers show. On the other hand, premarital cohabitation also does not lead to higher rates of divorce, so I think it is really down to taste. Personally, my wife and I got married then shacked up, lo these thirteen years ago. But I would advise my past self to just ask her to move in with me beforehand. Our families would not have been fans of the idea, but if you like being with someone why wait? Life is short.

[@AP-jv3ru]

I hear what you're saying but I also think a lot of those numbers are conflated with the fact that most places where living together before marriage is discouraged are also places where the stigma of divorce is huge. So many people end up living unhappily forever, because divorcing is just not an option. I definitely do think it can work if you get married without having lived together (you are an example of that), but still lean towards thinking it is probably better to try living together first before doing it.

[@asghiasughiqughbqwg]

Something like 70% of couples in the US live together before getting married. It's not really stigmatized any more and yet it doesn't seem to predict much even after controlling for religiousity wealth and race. To me I just don't see this advice as having much of an empirical basis.

[@Renkk17]

There's also another way that living together can go.....from what I've seen, some people move in together thinking that they will get married soon, but then never get married because one of them (usually the guy) decides that well we're living together like we're married and why by the cow if you got the milk for free mentality, and they get scared off because they see other married friends getting divorced and don't want to ever go thru all the legal stuff and shame

[@crystalboyko3039]

Sailor Moon??? 😍

[@badabing661]

SailormoOoOn!! ✨🌙✨

[@stardustmelody2709]

If you don’t live together before marriage and then you marry and he cheats, you still have to break a lease and learn to live alone. Now, you have the added burden of having to get divorced.

[@QurVgn]

The bf is Definitely from Munich! 🤷‍♀️ And ‘dry wit’ is my non negotiable. Slapstick is 😱! Because I’m English, and we thrive on dry, morbid and depressing humour. 😉 And, I’m sure the fetish was ‘adult nursing’ or something involved with infantilism.

[@justteething8428]

First! All Bc my 7 month old puppy needed to be fed at 5:30am

[@StarOnTheWater]

Maybe the men cheated because they were living together so breaking up was lesss of an option for them. Maybe the same factor that made them want to live together made them want to overcome the situation. So it wasn't causal but there was a common cause.

[@eli4delmar]

The fact that after almost 2yrs , he does not know her enough to understand what humor makes her laugh, it's not a good sign.

[@marksmith-jp5gy]

She is the one... Sailor Moon!

[@ninahmuhsen2659]

With the humour thing, like u were saying it depends on what you want. Also, is it possible to change overtime when it comes to humour, could you just start to find someone funny over time🤷🏻‍♀️

[@bonnieolson80]

Oops….I’ve noticed that lots of animals do have a sense of humor. My ex mother in-law told me that a sense of humor was a sign of intelligence…..?….could that be true?

[@bonnieolson80]

“ he doesn’t want to have fun with me”…could he be “depressed “, and need therapy?

[@teaando2278]

VERY OFFENDED BY SE REALLY NOT FUNNY JOKES ABOUT MY PEOPLE.

[@GLADGC]

One of my favortie youtubers, @Chloe_ always says that a man will know whether or not he wants to marry you within 6 months of dating :') Shandy, you are my fav celebrity couple heheh