Disorganized Attachment Style (from childhood to adulthood)

Jessica Dufour is an expert on the art and neuroscience of personal change and transformation. Subscribe to this channel now to get new videos created weekly to help you transform your life now.
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💚 Disclaimer: All content contained in in these videos contain personal knowledge, experience and opinion and are intended for personal development purposes only. These videos are not to be taken as medical advice. Subconscious Designs LLC does not claim to be a medical doctor, licensed therapist or mental health professional. Any information received here should not be used in place of professional medical and/or psychological treatment. You alone are solely responsible for any of your choices, your decisions and your actions in life.

[@Jessica_Dufour]

I have received a lot of comments that the audio is too low... apologizes for that #learning... you can watch all the attachment style videos in one long format video here and the volume is much louder: kzbin.info/www/bejne/mZWrfo2ko9Jnrqs Just to be clear I do not heal disorganized attachment with hypnosis. I am a master at reprogramming the subconscious mind from the limiting beliefs we acquired in childhood about ourself, others and what it means to be loved. Hypnosis is a tool I use but not the only one. I have created a method with different tools called The Reality Reframe Method that is getting people tremendous results in a short period of time. If you are interested in learning more you can sign up for a 15-min complimentary Zoom call with me here: www.subconsciousdesigns.com/15-min-intro-zoom-call-with-jess

[@cheryl6109]

disorganized children actually develop a strong sense of awareness and are able to pick up on warning signs in the environment especially from peoples energy. Which is then carried through life. They are able to detect if someone isn't being truthful or has bad motives and are 100% correct when they listen to their conscience. When not it usually always backfires.

[@Jessica_Dufour]

Thank you for mentioning this. Children with a disorganized attachment style I find can do what is called "auto-switching" where they can energetically switch into people in their environment. As a young child they had to develop this skill so that they can switch into mom and dad to better sense if danger was about to become present. Usually without out conscious awareness that they are doing this. It is apart of their safety patterning. It is a very power tool to have, but when one is not aware that they have this gift, they can tend to "auto-switch" into every person in the room. This is a possible reason why some people that get filled with so much anxiety when they get on stage to make a presentation to an audience. Or why they hate being in large crowds. It can be managed and conscious awareness needs to be brought to the one experiencing the "auto-switching" so they can contain their own energy and put up energetic boundaries to keep their energy to themselves, and keep other people's energy out. People who experience this like their alone time, b/c that is where they feel the most sane. Thank you again for mentioning this, I will make a video on this topic.

[@ahamoment3626]

Ditto we are like emotional radar detectors 👍

[@Kaprice]

@@Jessica_Dufour plz do this video

[@TranscendingTrauma]

@@Jessica_Dufour Did you ever make the video on auto switching? I tried looking it up and can’t find anything on it. I am very interested in this!

[@Jessica_Dufour]

@@TranscendingTrauma That is a great idea! Thank you. I will create one.

[@mathews0618]

Disorganized people are like detectives. They are always collecting evidence so they can detect rejection or betrayal. They do not let anything go. They log every time they get hurt and view you through a fearful lens.

[@Jessica_Dufour]

Thank you for your comment. I am curious if you are open to sharing, are you speaking from personal experience of having this attachment style or is this from dating someone who had this attachment style?

[@mathews0618]

@@Jessica_Dufour hi. I have dated fearful avoidants my whole adult life.

[@SaloniSingh19]

this made me cry. this attachment style is so painful, wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. thank you for the video though, you're great

[@Ikr2025]

Yes, I hate it as well.

[@sofiam9921]

You talking about us being in survival mode reminded me that when I was child, I learned how to recognize when my dad was angry just by listening to his breathing or footsteps and I would automatically do it everytime he came home from work.

[@taylorsmith9175]

That just hit my soul. Like you just took words from my brain. That is exactly my experience. They way he was breathing and how heavy his footsteps were could tell me everything. I was just told by therapist that I have disorganized attachment.

[@mikageokumura5605]

Me too :(

[@Snellvillesvision]

Yup nothing worse than playing hide n seek from the abuser!

[@Jessica_Dufour]

That’s called calibration.

[@Snellvillesvision]

@@Jessica_Dufour never heard of calibration except on music instruments ...what do you mean?

[@lrustrian]

After over a year of discovering all of my “issues”, I have landed here. Wow, now what?

[@Jessica_Dufour]

Happy to chat more with you about healing those issues if you’d like to change in that way... you can set up a 30min call with me here: jessicadufour.as.me/schedule.php?appointmentType=16715509

[@Jessica_Dufour]

Or you could start doing the step work and find an ACA meeting if finances are tight at the moment.

[@lrustrian]

@@Jessica_Dufour I’m definitely going to schedule some time with you very soon. Thank you!

[@ellaa901]

It look me 7 years to realise I actually had issues lol

[@JenniferBarreTrekNymph]

Do you take insurance?

[@karendiaz1725]

It took me 31 years to learn about this. I couldn’t put a name to it, and now I’m crying, because I’m finally understanding what it is 😔.

[@kl6902]

The right to exist. Hit me in the heart, like...I have a right to exist?? I need to understand that at a deeper level.

[@katiebooker7140]

Me too. There's a toxic guilt and toxic shame because i felt guilty for existing though i didnt choose to be born.

[@supportteam2151]

@@katiebooker7140 I can relate

[@nancypatricia511]

I just want to say that I have watched many videos in attachment styles and you give the best presentation of each one. It is vey disturbing that I associated love with fear. The only thing that does not match with me is having trouble in school and learning. I enjoyed school and learning. But maybe because it was a relief from the chaos at home. Good grades were also the way I tried to gain approval and did to feel good about me. But I found reading and reading for comprehension very difficult when under pressure.

[@Jessica_Dufour]

Hi Nancy, Yes school can be a safe place for children growing up in dysfunctional home. Just some children who are going through a lot of stress at home can have a hard time paying attention. Not everything in the video will be 100% true for anyone.

[@n_tink9512]

I feel the same way too

[@VoroninHop]

This was 100% my experience. I loved learning, but in my young mind, school was also the only thing I was good at, and the only place I was noticed or recognised in a positive way. The library/books, music and sport were my refuges.

[@miaduana]

You are actually a fabulous learner Because it's part of your natural temperament that becomes distorted by trauma leading to disorganized behavior

[@aminachahdi8]

I agree, great content

[@SnowCatKroe]

I... Holy shit. This explains a lot. My dad was my primary care giver, and he's extremely unbalanced. When it comes to love, I'm desperate to be loved but I'm TERRIFIED in relationships and scared of commitment because I feel like once they know me, they'll leave me. Then I just, exactly as you said it, say "Fuck it." And decide it's not worth it. I've been in eight different relationships in the past six years and several of them ended with me being assaulted and abused. The ones that were GOOD I intuitively pushed them away from anxiety because I didn't want to hurt them by letting them in and poisoning them. It affects close friendships too. It's like I just... Don't understand how I'm supposed to act? I'm either bending over backwards to completely support those around me or I'm self-destructing from self loathing and pushing others away. I've been diagnosed with autism, and I'm really good at hiding it, but I usually "shut down" for lack of a better word when I have to be emotionally present. Especially if I'm being yelled at. I honestly have no clue how I'm supposed to behave in any type of relationship and it's... Really challenging. Thanks for making this video. I probably wouldn't be able to afford some personal sessions but I'll see if my therapist knows about this.

[@huhhahuh]

Now that you know, I’m sure a burden has been lifted. You weren’t born this way, you grew up in it. That being said, you can overcome it. I wish the best for you moving forward.

[@SnowCatKroe]

@@huhhahuh Thank you so much for your kind words! ❤️

[@Jessica_Dufour]

Thank you for sharing your story.

[@bubblesconnectify]

You just describe me... howww??

[@lindsay.newman]

I’ve been diagnosed with autism too and I feel that this complicates the trauma considerably. Our feelings can typically be overwhelming, and yes shutdown was a very familiar experience. I had a hair trigger, the use of the word ‘love’ was enough for me to feel I was being lied to and to melt down (I so distrusted that word).

[@ravenmcchesney8485]

I’ve learned about anxious and avoidant attachment styles and I felt so confused because I felt like I was both. I didn’t even know this was one of the attachment styles and I finally feel like I make sense to myself.

[@John-fw4wu]

Same here..wish there were more videos on the subject. It gets so overwhelming being like this.

[@marykatherinerosson213]

I am SO glad you said it about ADHD!!! I agree 100%. Living in a state of survival causes your body to not be able to rest and digest meaning you can not digest the vitamins and minerals we need to keep calm. This was me and I’m Working towards secure. I had stomach issues my whole childhood and know so many other disorganized styles that do too

[@miaduana]

Oh shit that's what it is! Holy heck

[@i_am_processing_]

Yes this!! I didn't have good digestion as a kid.

[@Ikr2025]

Same. When I was a child and teen I couldn’t actually relax my abdominal muscles. I remember trying and not being able to. I even remember mentioning it to someone to ask if they were like that and they seemed surprised.

[@rliyah304]

I'm diagnosed with BPD that was rooted in childhood trauma and learning this makes a lot of sense in my healing journey glad you have this video to help

[@TrustintheLord860]

FA often is a result of borderline.

[@ridiculoushot3691]

Everytime you said "surviving", makes me feel back to thoose my childhood and teenager memories..

[@Jessica_Dufour]

Thank you for sharing. A great way to process this is to write down those memories and start to look at the subconscious beliefs that were formed in those formative years. To play with exploring this ask yourself "what might someone believe in order to have that experience?" Separate yourself from it and explore any possibility that comes up and see which one resonates the most with you. And explore how that might be impacting your life today.

[@wendieprevidi2568]

Lol, I love your frankness. I have been in the "fuck it, I don't want to date anymore" phase for close to 18 years. Not exactly healthy either, I guess, but I wanted to raise my child without me choosing yet another wrong relationship. I have always said, I will start dating again when my son is old enough to start dating. I have learned a lot about myself staying single and celebate for so long. Your videos are great. Thank you for posting them. You cover these topics so well. I can tell you are passionate in wanting to help others with these issues.

[@bwing411]

This video about brought me to tears. I’m almost positive it’s disorganized attachment. After a decade of realizing I had problems, but just thinking I was different or not meant for love. I’ve always thought my fight or flight was just instinct and maybe I was born to be violent/in violent situations. I also thought I was doomed to never be a consistent partner. I feel like I see a light at the end of the tunnel for the first time in my life.it’s overwhelming

[@Jessica_Dufour]

I felt the same way when I learned about this. Thank you for your share.

[@biacris6124]

I identify with the disorganized attachment style, I want love and connection, but fear that I don't deserve it or I will never get it. I loved this video, but my coping mechanism for what was happening at home was some sort of OCD and perfectionism, so I worked hard at school and in life to avoid the conflict that failure would provoke at home, but I never had a sense of accomplishment.

[@chrismccaffrey8256]

Wow! The simple line "feel like the love is going to turn on them." Is so spot on. Hits me deep. Expecting the betrayal of someone you love (and who, most importantly, is supposed to love you) hurting you, at any unknown moment.

[@Jessica_Dufour]

Hi Chris, thank you for sharing that. Please remember this doesn't have to be a life sentence. It is revisable. NLP was a great too for me in helping to revise that deep belief that was so engrained in me (along with other limiting beliefs). This work changed my life which is why I have dedicated my career to this.

[@LexiA0327]

This brought me to tears hearing you talk about ADD my whole life I didn’t know I had this attachment style and it all makes sense thank you so much for your help and videos.

[@shannasmith1409]

This is me 😭 just about everything you explained is ME!! I honestly feel crazy sometimes 😭😭😭

[@mikageokumura5605]

Thank you for bringing up how we can be attracted to people who remind us of our primary caregivers. I recently realized that my bf is just like my dad. He gets mad at me over very small things (and I don't mean anger, I mean RAGE) and then an hour later he's back to normal and it's like nothing ever happened.

[@hannahjean731]

Grateful for this. Thank you.

[@chilloften]

Let alone romantic relationships, this is affecting me in the workplace. My career is very abusive and exhausting, mentally, physically, emotionally. Not one soul could I even come home to. They would hate me. I face such evils. I’m not sure my way out of this. I need the money but also my sanity is worth so much more. Idk what to do.

[@faith_9677]

I think you should speak at schools to educate the administration first, and then the staff.

[@faith_9677]

@Anna Kilpatrick my mother who is 78 now, was a special education teacher for many years.

[@journeyintoparenting8032]

@@faith_9677 in the UK there is a program called attachment aware schools which is generating great results :)

[@faith_9677]

@@journeyintoparenting8032 That's wonderful 💗

[@Nicbow26]

I have bpd and disorganized attachment from a traumatic childhood , like you said in school I was always in trouble, always on high alert , I am in a long term relationship (14 years) and still can't say I love you to him ! My kids are at an age that are retriggering me .. I really don't want to damage them too 😔

[@Jessica_Dufour]

You might want to check out a therapy called DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) that helps people who have BPD / BPD traits. IF you have learned traits of BPD, I can help you too... but if you have beeb diagnosed with BPD, then DBT would be the better route for you. The wonderful thing is, it is all revisable.

[@SatanWasWhiteyBulger]

You help make sense of my self and those around me. I appreciate this video deeply

[@Stoviecakes]

Thank you. This is the best explanation I have found. I’ve realized I find myself wanting to escape relationships with women who truly care for me. I could never understand why I would want to flee a relationship with a well balanced, beautiful, & loving woman. Im starting to identify with the urge to flee until I feel safe again. It’s difficult to admit this weakness as I feel it makes me less manly. Lastly, I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD my on multiple occasions throughout childhood and again at the age of 30. This topic interests me. Thank you. Subbed

[@kathy-leew3989]

I might have finally understood my attachment style from my childhood. My mom always blamed herself but I got it from my fathers style and I realized it follows me into my romantic relationship.

[@sugarfoot84]

Mind blown, so glad I stumbled across your content.

[@lisasiawild5816]

Thank you for this information. The way you just read my whole life.. I'm blown away. I used to think I was an avoidant, and then I thought I switched to anxious, and now I'm realizing what you said about responding with whatever style apposes your current partner is what was really happening. My mother has NPD, so it makes sense. I'm seeing signs of this disorganized style in my ten year old son. It's really hard to contend with the idea that I didn't give him what he needed. His first year of life was full of trauma for us both. I really wish I could flip a switch and have healthier relationships cause like you said, my nervous system is on ten all the time.

[@maricakez]

I’ve never felt so seen. This makes so much sense to me. The analogy of the cocktail is spot on. I always felt like I could identify w aspects from both anxious and avoidant styles. Thanks for this great video 🙏

[@002kenken]

Great video !!Thank you!!

[@ishootbishez]

Thank you for this. It is so painful to recall childhood memories with a terrifying parent; this video is helpful, and answers a lot. I have disorganized as well and it’s nice to know there is hope.

[@esmith4646]

Thank you.

[@kvr6869]

Great video, well explained. Thank you

[@gisselledelmar9666]

I really appreciate you taking the time to create a video like this. It genuinely helped me understand more about myself and I’m sure that it has helped many other people who need to hear this. Thank you 💕

[@transformation2424]

Thankyou so much for making such videos

[@lovromudrinic37]

Thank you sooo much for this video, it really shined a light on my confusion about what is "wrong" with me.

[@iain6952]

Thank you for this video. It really helped me a lot. Been realizing some pretty shit stuff from my childhood and I think your video helped understand why ive felt so messed up for so long.

[@MsGroovalicious]

What a comprehensive explanation! Thank you so much 🤯

[@walkerpercy8702]

Brilliant. :) Now I need to go back in time though.

[@layersoflovetarot558]

Wow thank you so much for sharing thism just so deeply beautifully worded. When you said the flip at 3 minutes in , i just knew exactly what you meant. Im so thankful to have found your videos. Needed to understand this more💙💙

[@gabrielleocean2143]

I feel so validated

[@danitaolivier3222]

I am 43 years old and only found this information now. I am in tears. This is me. I always knew that there was something wrong with me. Now I can start building my life.

[@Jessica_Dufour]

There is nothing wrong with you. Your brain is working perfectly, I just look at it like some wires got crossed and we just need to rewire them.

[@danitaolivier3222]

@@Jessica_Dufour Thank you for the reply. I like the way that you explain it and I like the fact that it can be changed and does not have to stay this way.

[@bloomclem]

This video was so fire. You hit so many angles & crevices that I always see missed when others speak about attachment styles. Felt like such a wholesome & gentle way to receive this type of information. Thank you for sharing 💗💗💗

[@MonacoBlast66]

Spot on. Great info.

[@btblou]

You articulated that very well Jess, your genuine understanding & compassion shines through the information. I was moved to check out your website and was most impressed. My only disappointment is your locality, I am in Australia, which means our time zones are incompatible. But I am grateful you are doing this much needed work and wish you and your business every success. Warm regards, Lou

[@Jesusandmentalhealth]

Thank you for this!!

[@stefal22]

Very well articulated

[@davidionepearl4244]

Thank you so very much, it's like you're reading my mind and memories...

[@demimiller794]

I'm so thankful for openining up my eyes and wanting to be a better person. I need me, and so do my family, my partner and future children. Need to reclaim my life. Good luck to you all🌱

[@kyrakearns7437]

thank you so much for this! i’ve started falling for this really sweet guy but my feelings keep changing and i keep freaking out. i have always self sabotaged any relationship and i’ve now realised it must have something to do with my attachment style. My dad was an alcoholic and had a very unstable relationship with my mum which always put me in the middle. I’m trying to work on it now so thank you for this!!

[@resonatingspirit]

Thank you for this video , this has just stung together what was a missing piece . I resonate strongly except with the ADD type at school. School was my sanctuary it was the only place I felt safe. It was the only place o was rewarded. I did well at school and after seeing this I can see it provided boundaries for the 7 hours a day I was there . The rest is spot on thank you xxx

[@KD-ro4iy]

Are you me? I completely relate. I always excelled or at least loved being at school because of how stable it was. I used to stay on the school campus until the sun set sometimes because I wanted to avoid being at home

[@helenemauron8475]

Thank you for this video, you totally used the words i needed to hear and i recognize myself in the whole description (my father is bipolar and was providing for my mother and i financially). As a young woman now I am struggling with relationships because of that disorganised attachment and have been single most of the time, because yeah... it's more peaceful. Although not satisfying, really. I feel so much empathy for these kids who are misunderstood, and I wish your message could spread more! A good read that has helped me is Robin Norwood, Women who love too much. Thank you

[@Jessica_Dufour]

Hélène M Thank you for the book recommendation! I added it to my list ❤️🙏🏻 and thank you for the kind words. It lights me up to be able to help you. 🥰

[@jeffnelson3791]

This video really spoke to me. Explains a lifetime of feelings and why it happened. Now I hope I can move on from this.

[@PaulaSays123]

Wow. What an eye-opener in so many aspects... Thank you so much. May god bless you.

[@abodebeats]

Thank you! I'm realising I've a lot to learn about myself... I really appreciate you sharing this information!

[@Jessica_Dufour]

Glad it was helpful!

[@Patrick-ru2xg]

Hey Jessica, thank you very much for that great video! ive seen your video and i think i found the information which I was looking for my entire life. From my father I never felt real love, all the time I asked as a child my father or my parents if there is something wrong, they told me there is nothing or similiar things (even if I new they had an argument). My mother comes from a family with double bind communication (but I think she is high sensitive) and my father + his mother (my grandma who also was a caregiver of mine) were not able to show real love. They did never talk about it but I kind of felt it. I am now 27 years old and I have the feeling that I never felt connected to anybody. I also showed these ADHD the symptoms but never on a high level so there was never a need for diagnosis. On the other side I have the constant feeling being undecisive and taking the role of a mediator in arguments between friends and family member. I also having the feeling that I am switching between narcisstic and emphatic behaviour combined with a constant feeling of doing it wrong. Yeah and of course I have never been in a real relationship because of this mix of avoidant and ambivalent moods. So do you know what I can do to address these unconcious feelings of alert which are so deeply embedded, I mean I hope there is a quick fix but even if not it would be worth it to ME and it least for my friendships, family, work etc. and maybe wife and kids I want to have in the near or far future :) Best regards, Patrick

[@n_tink9512]

Thankyou 🙏🏻❤️… it’s me totally 💯

[@carlfreiermuth5424]

thank you for sharing

[@allie9015]

Brilliant video. Thank you

[@Jessica_Dufour]

Thank you for your support Allie. Glad you enjoyed it.

[@kaitlynalomia8926]

Thank you so much for this video because I was stress out about which attachment style I had because I experienced both ambivalent and avoidant and I kept looking on the internet if someone could have both and nothing came up until I found your video which had everything I experienced down the last bit except I actually do have adhd but I do very well in school, I have a terrible time paying attention but it was uncontrollable and it wasn’t really about my home life up until something happened that morning before school than that’s what I’d be distracted on but usually almost anything can distract me and it’s hard to focus just because I think of way to many things all at once and with adhd, it’s also common for them to do good in school too, I also never acted out in school, but that’s common for girls with adhd, for them to be the ones that are usually the more quiet ones whereas boys tend to be more disruptive and act out but as far as everything else it checks out

[@Jasmine_Tigress]

This was the first video I watched after taking an attachment test online. I'm so glad I did! Incredibly spot on and helpful. Only thing that was a bit different for me was how I did in class. Because my mother was super strict about grades starting in the 1st or 2nd grade, I had to performed well in school as though my life depended on it. But I was always doodling in class, very stimulated and chatty and was told once or twice I probably had ADHD. I was also constantly crucified by my mother and judged by others for being too sluggish. Bright yet slow, a hypervigilant slug, never really feeling like I was equipped to escape, survive or protect myself from a life that was very scary, painful, and confusing. When I got to college and into a perceived "safe space" that's when I became really sluggish and disorganized and my academic performance collapsed. It's also then I started attracting all the unhealthy types you mentioned in droves. Many boundaries violated without even knowing those were something I should have. 10 years later I'm incapacitated by and dealing with many stress-related issues. I'm understanding now that learning about my attachment style is essential to healing. Thank you so much for this video!

[@famousse703]

you have so much understanding. thank you

[@Jessica_Dufour]

Thank you for your comment. I know what it is like to live with this attachment style. ❤️

[@alisondamm3332]

I've never heard disorganized attachment explained so well. Thank you.

[@Jessica_Dufour]

You are so welcome and thank you for listening and being open.

[@razanal_zaabi9221]

I literally started crying listening to this video.. I never understood why I feel or do the things I do but this makes stuff a little more clearer

[@Jessica_Dufour]

You're not alone

[@katiebooker7140]

I bounced around for as long as i can remember. Mom and dad were very self absorbed , but it was all about survival! Please mom, pacify the adults, its so messed up. I hated being home. I wanted to stay at school all day long. I am learning how to love myself. I am learning who i really am at 36 yrs old. I had two narc parents and i lost trust at a very young age. I am at the end of myself, i see toxic behaviors in myself. I want to heal. I want to be whole. Ive attracted sooo many narcissists. Ive been practicing self affirmations, educating myself on all types of trauma bonds, learning how to love myself and to heal my inner child. That warzone statement is sooo true.😭😭💔💔

[@Stephanie.101]

That drink is the disorganised drink. Automatically subscribed

[@inkerikavantera]

Great video thanks! Reprogramming your brains is totally doable! I've watched now couple of these videos and addictions come often up. I was super fortunate to get my "life saving" intensive psychotherapy in my teens (mind you, I grew up in Scandinavia 🙏🏻💕 ). I was able to learn love and have never really suffered from addictions per se. Dysfunctional dating FOR SURE. Although psychotherapy helped a lot, my traumas are so severe eventually only EMDR truly helped. I did that a year ago. Suddenly I did all the things I had been procrastinating years for; show jumping, own business, better family relations, setting your boundaries & just normal dating; work on my self. Just getting out there. In the mix. Explaining the situation to new partners. Giving yourself self mercy. The change doesnt happen over night. Trial and error. 💕💕Working gradually towards secure attachment and better quality of life (whicgh I TOTALLY deserve!!)🙏🏻👌🏻💪🏻💕🧚‍♀️

[@maximilianbatz2070]

Sounds fantastic, well done!

[@inkerikavantera]

@@maximilianbatz2070 Thank you! I actually made my first video about secure attachment the other day. So happy.💓🙌🏻🌿

[@destinyelle7120]

Thank you

[@delaney6066]

13:25 I’m definitely at this stage of things. Thanks for opening my eyes to what may be the actual root of my issues. 🙏 Going to check out your website.

[@Jessica_Dufour]

I am glad to be of service. And grateful this video helped you.

[@andreafajardoperdomo]

This describes me perfectly and I don't even know how to start healing... :(

[@OrthodoxChristianBeliever]

I've found some parallels as well, it's crazy

[@jentrees333]

The Crappy Childhood Fairy has KZbin videos on healing.

[@Gemisnotmyname]

The whole surivival instict i can relate soo much. I tend to be so intuned to other peoples feelings way more than mine to just be careful of not upsetting them or knowing when shit is about to hit the fan. its hypervigialance at its worst

[@jovankrstic250]

I thought I have preoccupied anxious attachment style, but hearing you explaining this style so well, now I know Im disorganized type🙈

[@ClassyCat06]

I had to login to my account to comment this because I usually watch all of my 'self help' videos on guest because of the shame i'd feel if someone found out that I watch them. However, this video was honestly so helpful I just had to comment about it. Literally almost everything you listed off I was just thinking to myself "yep, thats me" or "yeah I certainly felt like that as a kid." Please keep making more videos I am sure they will help so many people like me! Thank you so much for this, you have helped me understand so much more about myself and you have helped me immeasurably in my process of healing from all of this.

[@Jessica_Dufour]

Thank you for sharing. I will make more videos like this. I appreciate you making the effort to log in and comment. It really helps to spread the video and this message. (It was me too... had to work on myself a lot to shift it. It is one of my more popular videos b/c I know what it is like to live and breathe this attachment style).

[@Burkhammalicious]

ummm... holy validation, Batman! Already scheduled my call. You. Are. Brilliant.

[@MW-uq5oe]

Thank you for the most thorough explanation. For the first time, I feel like I not a disturbing abberation.

[@Greenwitch_Garden]

Wow this is me. I was so tired in school all day. I didn’t act out too much but there were times I got in trouble. My grades sucked. My mother “attacked” constantly in angry rages and I was the target. I’m almost certain she has BPD. We no longer have a relationship as I’ve pushed her away for my own mental health. I can’t be in a long term relationship. It freaks me out. I feel all of this. I am on fight or flight all the time. I just got diagnosed with ADHD, so maybe I have both or just this. It took me a long time to learn how to express what I need in relationships. Thankfully I’m working through expressing my boundaries.

[@miamobeachgoddess]

I’m literally crying

[@bight8297]

Thankyou, I actually related to this so so much like I always felt wrong and different and didn’t quite fit with anxiety or depression I’d like to explore it more. Like I have never heard anybody put it into words before!

[@Jessica_Dufour]

Thank you for sharing that

[@bight8297]

Thankyou so much like I’m speaking to my gp as I live in England, but wow it was so powerful like! Like I wanted to see you specifically but I mean time zones, and I’m working, and going to school so it would really be hard to fit in plus I’m only 18 I couldn’t afford it x

[@Jessica_Dufour]

@@bight8297 Hey Hollie, I love that you are working on yourself! What an inspiration

[@hattyflame3889]

Thank you x 💗

[@6maria94]

I'm in my late twenties and started dating just this year. I didn't know I was this bad, I thought I just avoided romance due to being a little bit scared, but as soon I started dating I was confident and I thought I was over that and ready for a relationship. But it was easier when I wasn't reciprocated, and looks like I got a bigger problem than I knew. I'm having my 1st time being reciprocate, I was talking about feelings and relationship with this boy and one day I was so happy and in love with him and having thoughts that I was almost ready to say I love you, and the next day I'm having a date with him, one small thing that I don't like happens, and suddenly my head goes crazy sabotaging what we had, making all kind of dramas and irrational thoughts... It was horrible. I couldn't speak the whole night, cause I knew I was going to hurt him if I opened my mouth. He realized I wasnt okay and needed time, so he was like "let's watch cat videos" until I got better, which actually moved me that he could see I was not okay to speak in that moment and that he respected that. Anyway, I calmed down, but I feel like my feelings died in that day? Like, not completely, or I wouldn't be with him yet, trying to get back to that state of in love. But I feel so distant, even when I'm feeling things, it's like they were external to me. I'm anxious everyday, trying to make things simple, trying to unbury my feelings, wherever they are... Idk, I know people fall out of love, but the fact that it was like snapping fingers is freaking me out. I was literally about to tell him I loved him. And the next day, it took me 3 horrible hours to cancel that. It's horrible because he is wonderful, and he is so wise emotionally and I want to learn from him, but... I'm so inconsistent. He knows all of this, cause I also don't want to hurt him. I talked with him and I asked if he wants to stay, how he feels, if it's hard for him, but he wants us to work, he really, really loves me and I want us to work aswell, but I fear that there's no going back to that feeling :/ I booked a session with my therapist, but I gotta wait more than 1 month, and I feel my anxiety rising everyday. I feel like we won't be able to take another month of this :/ I really wanted things to work with him

[@r011ing_thunder6]

Update?

[@6maria94]

​@@r011ing_thunder6 Well, the updates now wil be dark. It wasn't always dark, but the current state is this: we were bf and gf after this for 6 months. But I've always been in and out, since the beggining. In fact, I was about to break up at the 2 months mark, but we had a trip after a month, so I decided to hang on a bit more. Things became better after talking with him (I did very often, and he actually knows every little thing), but the reality is that I felt dishonest, and still do, for doubting so much and for trying so hard. Idk. My brain kept sabotaging it all the time, and I had all kind of terrible thoughts. The most ridiculous probably being that maybe he was sexual with his cat, and this one stuck around in my brain for so long, and the reason was probably that my brain just couldn't understand why he was so caring. I also felt differently when I was with him and when I was alone. When I was with him, I'd be fine, if I wasn't anxious, but when I was alone, I started feeling that the me alone and the me with him were disconnected and incohesive. And by the end, when I was alone... I think I hated the thought of being with him. In fact, I'm now considering I may have a bigger problem than just an anxious attachment, and am looking for a therapist to look into it... I'm quite worried, really. We broke up a few weeks ago, because I realized my brain just couldnt trust him and thats not something you should do in a relationship. We have been talking about coming back, but I don't think that is possible on my end. I've been so paranoid. I think I can't even trust myself anymore... But on the other hand, I'm thinking of enduring until I find a therapist to help me figure out what is happening, because I really have been apreciating his support and the person that he is, and I wonder if the part of me that doesn't want to be with him is logical, or if I'm just too stressed and drowning on intrusive thoughts that I can't value anything... Idk... I just don't want to lose a man that would always stand by me because I'm not on my right mind.

[@ALGARIC]

@@6maria94More update? How are you doing now?😊

[@6maria94]

@@ALGARIC hey! Thanks for asking! we're still together, although I admit we broke up meanwhile and got back together. I'm not sure for me if it was this attachment style, or if it was ROCD. I found out ROCD and then also researched about OCD and realized I've been having OCD for 10 years, just the focus would change. Now it was relationships because it was something new. This helped a lot, as I realized my compulsions were doing little dramas so that I got reassurance in the end that he loved me. So I stopped sharing these little dramas and insecurities. One mindset that really helped me was "not everything that you think defines you or someone else". It was hard not to communicate my insecurities, but it was part of the treatment for OCD, so I communicated that to him, that I had to stop sharing everything to cut on the compulsions and improve. Also learnt about limerance which is totally something I did. It's hard to realize reality isn't as fun as fantasies and the expectations are bad on a relationship. Also, I'm in the process of being diagnosed for ADHD which may also be the reason why I wanted to jump off the train after the dopamine phase ended. I think a lot of mental stuff can be confused with this attachment style. Although a lot of them are connected.

[@baronhippolytussk]

I'm really attracted and falling in love with a woman that has disorganised attachment and find the complexity exciting and interesting (which apparently is "odd") I'm recognising these behavior patterns and want to best support, love and hold her and help her create a sense of security. She has an incredible amount of self awareness although still suffers the consequences. Chronic migraines have been a symptom for years as well but we notice they go when she feels loved and safe. The boundaries thing is interesting too. How do I respect and help create boundaries that shift or appear non existent?

[@Jessica_Dufour]

If she is interested in support please share my information with her [e-mail]. I am happy to chat with her over the phone free of charge if she is interested in having life improve. The best thing you can do as a partner is accept her as she is and support her in a way that honors your needs as well.

[@lexie02jones25]

@@Jessica_Dufour can you also chat with me? I'm like that too. I relate to the girl who is talking about. I'm not her btw.

[@heidiharris9227]

Wow why is it so hard for me to find a man like this geez

[@baronhippolytussk]

@@heidiharris9227 it will come. Peace and good wishes to you Heidi

[@baronhippolytussk]

@Billy B It hasn't been easy but it is definitely rewarding. There has been a lot of discovery and integrative work these last 6 months and at the moment she is unable to fall into the same avoidance. It is coming with high anxiety.. but what is interesting is that she is not getting the migraines 🤔 instead her emotional space seems to be coming to ground for the first time I've known her... hoping the grief passes in its own time

[@sarahanniswerid]

Well.. this changes things. Now I'm not so sure what I'm trying to work with. This attachment really hit home. I don't want to be a bother because i feel so lost. But I'll try to reach out

[@Jessica_Dufour]

You are not a bother. I would love to hear from you. Much love.

[@sghavam9502]

Jessica thanks very much for these videos about attachment styles and specially avoidant. It make it easier to understand my relationship with an avoidant women. I hope we will get together again after no-contact period which is already 6 weeks. I discovered also my ambivalent style and I try to become more secure. I've seen many videos about avoidant but your way of presenting this is very touching. thanks very much.

[@Jessica_Dufour]

You're so welcome. I am grateful you found it helpful. Not everyone can handle dating someone who has a disorganized attachment (speaking as someone who had it myself). I had set it up in a way where I dumped them before they could dump me. It took years for me to work through it and address the unconscious beliefs I had about myself, the world and my deservingness of love. It was well worth it though. I am here for you if you ever want to try a session and see if this type of work might work for you. Much love to you.

[@OrthodoxChristianBeliever]

I was listening to this on my way home, and I found somethings very interesting. First, I do have disorganized attachment, and I remembered some parallels between what u said about disorganized attachment looking like add, and my situations in early, elementary school. I wasn't diagnosed add until junior high, but what u said about something disorganized attached students were so focused on they couldn't focus in school, well I had a similar experience. I was more scared of something w in the walls of the school that I don't wanna get into, but it was so parallel to what u said about what's going on home. Yes, on a side note, I do believe I had disorganized attachment passed down to me from family because of certain issues. The other thing, what u said about disorganized attached people dating multiple partners, partner after partner, well, I've found the opposite true for me. I've only been in two relationships, plus one date my entire life. I don't know if that matters, but I think somewhere along the way, something w in my attachment style has made the opposite happen. I hadn't been in my first relationship till I was twenty-five.

[@maximilianbatz2070]

I can relate to that, also chose the way oof keeping distance to relationships

[@SilentFaces]

I can see multiple examples of myself in this. From physically moving away from my partner saying 'well this is a bit intimate' aa I felt scared? to him being tired and quiet so I got anxious asking 'are you okay, did I do something?' Damn. Thank you for the information

[@Jessica_Dufour]

You are welcome and thank you for sharing.

[@atiger4716]

Thanks very much!

[@Jessica_Dufour]

You're so welcome!

[@danagrl64]

I have searched all of my life, all of my adult life, for why I was so wrong. Why love was something that seemed impossible in my life and frankly still does. I’ve even questioned if I know what it is because it’s been so hard. I’m 59 and I withdrew 13 years ago and no one has touched me since. I thought I could take a year and unscramble myself. The more I knew the more I didn’t know. But you have taught me why, despite my very best efforts with the resources, I had so young, my poor daughter was traumatized and is dysfunctional. As sad as I am, every time I grow she grows. I wish I could find you because I do want out of this perpetual cycle. My trauma is such that therapist actually avoid me. I get letters that say, due to the nature of your condition, we don’t feel we have anyone qualified to meet your needs. A.k.a. your too f’d up to help. What am I to do? I attend CODA, because this attachment style made for great codependency! Unsolicited advice may have done my daughter, some of the most harm, because she never felt I thought she was competent or intelligent. But that rage… That fear, it’s present in trying to make a friendship or just sit down with a small group. I accomplished that for the first time today in three years. It was fantastic by the way. I did take my own exposure therapy and at my group of outliers I learned all of my CoVIDs and head injuries did not steal all of my intellect, just math.

[@divinecreations7280]

Oh shit, relate to this style majorly

[@janineroberts3002]

So grateful for your information nd encouragement. Thank you so much, Jessica.

[@random_32114]

You have perfectly described how I feel/act. I could see my life story play out as you where explaining each stage from childhood to adulthood and in romance. do you have a course to heal from this or is it done via personal session? I want to start working on becoming secure for 2022

[@Jessica_Dufour]

Hi There! Yes I do offer one-on-one sessions now. A course will come in time. If you would like to chat more I offer 30-min calls. Feel free to sign up for one with this link: jessicadufournlp.com/contact Excited to meet you!

[@inhighdefinition1111]

Yes! Finally im hearing about the nervous system! I think my nervous system is out of whack due to my attachment (disorganized). I need to learn about how this affects my nervous system since I believe my bladder is being affected to the stress (adrenals and kidneys affected by stress hormones). Do you have any literature recommendations?

[@Jessica_Dufour]

Check out this book called "Metaphysical Anatomy" by Evette Rose. You can look up any issue you are having in your bod and it will let you know what is going on on a deeper emotional level. Helps guide the way of the issues that need some healing and love. Hope this help. smile.amazon.com/Metaphysical-Anatomy-Your-talking-listening/dp/1482315823/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3DJJUHSSLMHQ2&dchild=1&keywords=metaphysical+anatomy&qid=1591832726&sprefix=metaphysical+a%2Caps%2C205&sr=8-1

[@Jessica_Dufour]

It is more of a reference book than something you read cover to cover.

[@kristinhill4818]

I've had an almost constant feeling in the pit of my stomach since being with my new bf. I'm always on guard and it's causing physical issues.

[@momione11]

♥️♥️Thanks . Spot on total. Grew up with a father with mental illness. Taught me early on to go on eggshells because of his mood that oscillated something incredible. One minute please the other he could become frighteningly angry and aggressive. Became terrified. My mother is co-dependent love-dependent. Then at the age of 9 my mother meets a new man a covert narc. For 18 years I see this sick relationship as a normality. So yes is no and no is yes. Took many years to repair itself. Fell for the same types of men. When I thought it would be so sick when it's love. Fell for a combination of my dad and mom's other covered narc. Totally crazy. This has been and will be a job for life to bone out. But I now come first in my own life. And my son. Do not want to do the same shit that I grew up with.But made many painful mistakes.But finally woke up dormant.Thanks for your youtube channel.

[@dodo3366]

wow so me,i totally agree about adhd being attachment disorder

[@emmy9922]

My early childhood was super complicated with my parents relationship being extremely abusive and then growing up with them getting divorced. I was basically living 2 lives going back and forth between houses and being verbally and physically abused myself by my father. And feeling estranged in my relationship with my mother growing up. It felt almost like she was never there even though knew she physically was. It's very complex. I've been to many therapists and counselors all throughout my life. I currently have a primary therapist and did complete a year of DBT therapy almost 1 year ago exactly. It was due to an abusive/toxic romantic relationship which has been the common scenario in most of my relationships. I know now since being at this new therapy place that's due to my childhood traumas. I would absolutely love to talk with you more about this whenever you have some free time! And thank you for educating people on this. You're awesome!❤

[@Jessica_Dufour]

Hey Emily, Thank you for sharing all of that. And for your kind words. :) If you'd like to connect I offer 30-min zoom calls. You can sign up for one here: jessicadufour.as.me/schedule.php?appointmentType=16715509 Talk soon!

[@user-fu8jf2nc6j]

Same family pattern , doing EMDR with therapy , it helped in many situations where i perceived "danger"

[@going-Easy]

Anxious attachment Style here. My mothers tendencies into bpd is probably disorganized Style. Very late I see my fathers avoidant style and my partners were avoidant, some were disorganized and sadly I find both styles attractive. But the horrific breakups were with disorganized.

[@TrippSxS]

can you give us some journaling prompts for this?

[@finetrue]

Everything you said is on spot for me. But I am very good at studying and that is the only place I gain confidence and recognition. My professional success has been the only reason I feel a little worthy. I think I have ADHD, never diagnosed though. I tend to multitask and produce results during that short focus for each task. But this exhausts me all the time since I am so busy and anxious all the time 😢

[@anjiexxful]

Hey I live in England and would love to book some sessions with you, is this possible? Your videos are excellent, thank you

[@Jessica_Dufour]

Hi Anj, thank you for the kind comment.