The TRUTH about narcissistic change

[@sicobain]

The worst thing isn't being alone.... It's being with someone that makes you feel alone.

[@Victoria_Loves_Jesus]

amen

[@geraldfriend256]

Great one. Edit: was gonna wish you a thousand likes . Better do it now you at 99 likes and algo rhythm is rhyming. Happy Holidays to All

[@pchypie8801]

YES I was so lonely for years. Now I've cut out the people I thought were my closest friends, who were in fact abusive narcissists banding up against me to paint me as unstable and overly sensitive. Now I don't feel lonely, at all, despite having NO friends who live in my area. My friendships now consist of online communication with longtime friends who I was failing to value and appreciate while the narcissistic "friends" were overtaking my life

[@littleleah310]

Fr

[@theneatlist407]

Exactly

[@myself5913]

The narcissist can most definitely change; they get worse.

[@magiespiritualitatalltag990]

Yes, over time they get worse

[@aubreyj.tennant1123]

They get worse as their success gets more apparent.

[@deborahswart1718]

Oh lol! Don't say that! It's like summoning demons!

[@yevette5740]

I’m worried about my friend. She dumped me. The helper got let for the lunatic. Idk. And whatever. I’ll get my popcorn 🍿. 😢

[@bcbro142]

Lol facts

[@DGF666KTG]

The worst part about a narcissistic relationship is when you feel you are starting to mirror there behaviors and act like the narcissist and know that's not how you behave and you are no longer being the person you would normally be and you are shameful for not being your true self

[@jenoszucs3287]

True..... I feel bad about it... Sometimes i do it but after i feel guilty because i can't communicate my feelings on the right way at the moment... I'm listening on my gut feelings and if i feel something is off with someone i don't want to communicate with them,grey rocking or go out of my life.. It is hard with my family,i changed a lot,i feel betrayed by them..

[@chayo4537]

Yall are each other's mirrors though. That's the punch line

[@acky12489]

Nobody can gaslight you better than yourself. I've been away from my narc for the better part of 8mo now and I'm still able to rationalize in my head how she "could" be right about things she said

[@kellibodony1077]

@@acky12489 Don't you dare buy it. She is gaslighting you to suck you back in. Be free, find peace and eventually happiness and contentment will be yours.

[@DGF666KTG]

@@acky12489 haha now there is the zinger for you

[@youngblood8540]

The Serenity Prayer - God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

[@PeggysCorner]

Amen

[@kengaroo5170]

"Selfishness - self centeredness! That, we think, is the root ofour troubles." - AA. The Big Book

[@michellejean6949]

Amen

[@Sevvin89]

Amen

[@dianasmith5074]

Living one day at time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardships as a pathway to peace

[@eetchooarn]

“Making this kind of change to win you back over, shifts it to the realm of manipulation, rather than a meaningful attempt at change.” Wow wonderful. Thanks Dr.Ramani.

[@thatveganlesbian]

Yup. It's completely motivated by them getting what they want

[@dawnaaaaa]

I JUSt wrote that down that was such an impactful reality.

[@kevinmcnamara2082]

I tried to change for her. For 5 and a 1/2 years I slowly lost who I was. Her silent treatments were( I’m sure they still are lol) legendary and it broke me down soooo bad that I didn’t recognize Kevin anymore. Can they change? Nope. They’re totally wired a different way than ppl who have empathy. It’s been a month and a half away from her I know it’s going to take time to truly heal. thank you doctor for your channel. ❤️‍🩹🤙

[@terrisolaroli4169]

Taken me over a year!🙏🙏

[@heathermurphy9359]

Proud of you for loving ypurself enough to stay away. Even if you don't feel like you love yourself, I hope you do. It has absolutely nothing to do with you. I hope ypu know that. Life can be so beautiful. Dont feed and more days to a nightmare.

[@Maatson_]

They can change but the probability is low. Takes some serious eye opening things to happen to change them .

[@civirebel]

They can never be satisfied. What I didn't know then...

[@LettersfromLou]

Proud of you for having the courage to leave

[@almostbetterthanmartha7673]

My mom is narcissist and then I married one and was married 27 yrs. I learned alot of bad habits, basically reacting, being defensive. About 5 years ago, I really started to see things. I stopped defending, enabling, engaging, etc just because I hit an age of maturity and realized. Once that supply quit, my husband of 27 yrs decided to divorce. I came across a little info on narcissism. Which then leas me to this channel. Information is so educational and powerful. I have since gotten rid of any narcissist traits I had picked up on. My life has been so wonderful now

[@My2up2downCastle]

Yes! I hear you..... did you implode once the realisation that you were actually a 'victim' sunk in??....i did. but this was the turning point. I started losing 'respect' for them and stopped trying to seek their approval.....and planned my escape.

[@Thunder-lightning852]

It seems unreal that a narcissist does not have empathy. It’s hard for me to grasp my head around it. I was also married for 27 years and she was literally sucking the life out of me.

[@braingamesballsortgame718]

​@@Thunder-lightning852It seems like that when you first read about it and sink it. But, after that point when you start observing the narcissist, you will easily catch that indeed the narcissists have zero empathy and whatever empathy they seem to show is 100 percent fake empathy / clever acting 🎭.. My narc sister who just was super close to a close relative who had recently caught cancer didn't show any empathy when I questioned her in every way and observed her to show empathy.. She had none😳😳to the one person she claims even now to be close. When being her own blood sister that myself and my family have caught covid, she because just blank where she seemed to be happy that we will suffer now, but didn't show any reaction like normal people show upon hearing if your close relative is unwell. I have seen multiple instances where she was deriving sadistic pleasure upon inflicting emotional pain in them. I am seeing her becoming worse and worse with age and have into no contact even though my other family members believe her fakeness and false mask which she puts only for them.. Which she has unmasked only in front of me by chance 🎭

[@vanuza222]

You are right Dr Ramani! I have been through this in my 17 yrs long marriage. Every time I raised the issue of separation as a result of the disrespect/abuse…he actually would change his behaviour and promise a radical change however it was only a matter of time for him to go back to the old habits…. As soon as he felt secure enough with me the narcissistic behaviours would resurface and things would turn sour again and even worse!…. Many thanks for raising our awareness, love your channel🙏❤️

[@penelope5500]

The fact is...a narcissist has very little reason/motivation to change. What they are doing works well for them.

[@stevenwilson879]

It's starting again. I am letting him in. How do I stop?

[@kittenmitten7360]

Going on year six with this EXACT pattern of behavior. Trying to get the gumption and confidence to get myself and our four year old daughter out of this awful, toxicity!!!!

[@maevebutler4641]

@@stevenwilson879 Remember how you felt when you were demeaned, the hurtful words , way's he treated you, how did you feel back then That entire cycle of abuse will happen again More chipping away at your very soul Don't repeat the cycle all over again because that will be your future Rinse & repeat

[@LeungChillie]

@@stevenwilson879 What is love to you? To me, I think basically respect & concerns, sadly those are things we can never find from narcissist, they are not capable to love others, they only love themselves, I guess you get proofs along, how they speak & treat you, if that is not enough, keep accumulating, REMEMBER what they do, how you feel. As Dr says, we have to take our own responsibility, admit that we made mistake, we choose the wrong person, leave it & move on. Just reading the messages here, I see love & care, all of us here, we don't know each other, & we care for one another, you can definitely find the love to you, out there.

[@lalat5899]

My heart really goes out to people in these relationships. I’d rather be set on fire and left butt naked on the street than to deal with someone like that for the rest of my life. A soul sucking relationship 👀 hell nah, I’m out.

[@dawno6235]

Being in a relationship like that for 2 years now I can fully agree with you there. I'd rather be set on fire than deal with his constant abuse one more day!

[@chanel82593]

I’m sorry.. but even the agony I’m feeling now going through no contact.. the agony of being set on fire is still my worst nightmare. I would rather drown. It’s such a slow painful death..the flames. I think it’s similar to the abuse.

[@brainbomb.]

The only difference between these two are that the former is physical and the latter is mental.

[@private755]

You can only change if you want to. They see no problem with who they are, so they will never change. That’s the effect of not being able to feel actual remorse.

[@thatveganlesbian]

I love this so much. Yes, if a brain is wired without empathy then they cannot, do not and will not feel guilt for their behaviour or how it affects others. They won't see any reason to change their behaviour and they can actually be quite dangerous to be around

[@Phoenix_Coaching]

no one will change if they dont want to...its so true. the narcissist wont change unless they wanted to and even then it takes 5-10 years:(

[@Stardusted1]

Dr. Ramani, I watch another therapist online too, and the other day she said something that literally slapped me in the face. She asked, “can you cure your empathy?” It was very powerful.

[@mr.makedonija2627]

Was it the Spanish lady?

[@caratgamer6145]

Indeed, that's powerful and eye opening.

[@Birdyblue12]

👍

[@theneatlist407]

Yeah, it’s called cutting off assholes like her. Unless her point was, you can’t cure a narcissist, just like you cannot teach empathy to an adult

[@euphorbia1581]

No, but you can learn to set boundaries. Even if it takes a lot of work

[@walkwithtruth]

From my experience a narcissist will never change because they don't believe they ever did anything wrong. Change takes admission that something needs changing. If they admit that then they must admit they were wrong and they will never do that.

[@visancosmin8991]

Raging like a beast is not wrong ? The level of delusion!

[@hurricaneaquatics]

Yeah, they'll admit they're wrong. If you have shown them proof that you'll leave them. They'll be one the person you always wanted, for a while. You'll start to see the mask slip pretty quickly after that.

[@mjwontstop]

Exactly. My ex said she changed now and more mature. We are beyond on what happened that’s what she said. After all the times she punched me in the face, punched me with a Vape almost hit my eyes. Cheated on me. Used drugs after I tried to stop her but still went out to get drugs. Promised that she will stop using drugs but broke it 3 times Sent a sex tape of her and her new supply after I broke up with her, she said she just want to get me mad. And if I got mad she said I still love her fuck!

[@kiv_daniels]

I’m too agreeable and the moment I started making a conscious effort to stand my ground and defend myself,I had to do that all the time because the narcissist wouldn’t still get it. So now I’m the mean one who always wants conflict.

[@Stardusted1]

Yeah. The first few time you try it, it freaks people right out.

[@kiv_daniels]

@@Stardusted1 Right, they blow up but now I don’t care

[@mightymouse1005]

I've begun doing it in baby steps. I used to volunteer to help my grown kids. A week ago my son mentioned not having enough money for a bill. Instead of just offering, I offered support emotionally but not financially. I'm always struggling financially but as a mom, always did without for them. They're grown. He figured it out without my help. Interesting, I felt GUILT for no just giving my money. I just need to get over feeling guilty every time I don't give money

[@wolfgang7812]

The narcissist did get it they were just using the "mirroring" tactic on you.

[@lalat5899]

They love saying your combative when you don’t agree with them. Don’t fall for it. Be the Bih, be the ahole, be “difficult”, and bump anybody that tells you to go along just cause want to keep the peace ❤

[@maevebutler4641]

I am so done with nex, far too much hurt injury occurred over decades I so regret how naive I was believing he would change Far too much mental, physicall & emotional damage done Not if he turned himself inside out & saw 40 therapists would I believe one word uttered! I'm done, divorced & no contact I am still suffering so many health issues as a result of all of those traumatic experiences I now value my peace, my own company, peace in my home & so much more Thank you

[@elevenhorses]

I love the part when you gently say to a healing narcissist who feels "not good enough" ~that this is how they're relational style has made those who loved them feel for years, & maybe just sit with that for a minute. Bravo Doc Ram.

[@brainbomb.]

They cannot change. They're not a healing narcissist, they're a decaying narcissist with a huge ego that's falling apart.

[@braingamesballsortgame718]

​@@brainbomb.They are faking narcissist who become excellent at their acting with each cycle.

[@elizabethhall9334]

I am an introvert and empath (which is a big reason why I'm an introvert) by nature, but have trained myself to be more agreeable and open in effort to not be a total jerk in friendships and relationships. And now here I am. Freshly out of another abusive relationship with someone who seems to be in the HPD-NPD spectrum. I thought I was done with the abusive relationships, but I got locked in with the love bombing.

[@BlondynCh]

interesting

[@melindasmith3713]

That's right my dad trained me for hubby. Hebmadebme every wensesday go grocery shopping . Checked me out of school at 1.30 every Wednesday. Kids said u sleeping with dad ? He said I thought u wanted to go shopping . I had a mom , she gave up why he took kids . I'm sick now

[@elizabethhall9334]

@@melindasmith3713 did you mean to reply here?

[@melindasmith3713]

@@elizabethhall9334 yeah a dad that made me his wife ! I had a mom he chose me to be wife . He was proud I dropped outa school . Why ?

[@maryswanson9982]

@@melindasmith3713 Are you getting some therapy to help you deal with the past trauma in your life? It can really help. Your dad sounds like he was a very sick person.

[@Giselle332]

This video isn't just useful for narcissists but also people who have been influenced or forced to behave like narcissists and have narcissistic fleas because of being around them. I would appreciate even more videos like this. Unfortunately, sometimes in the fog, people start to think that narcissism is normal if they're around it too long and don't have any healthy people around who can give them a reality check. It's like a contagious disease but to step back and be mindful is what really helps everyone. Thank you for sharing your wonderful wisdom again. Love you Dr Ramani. You are changing lives for the better. ❤️❤️❤️🤗

[@krivoli86]

Indeed. Narcissism is contagious. That’s THE catastrophe of times we live in.

[@iamanempoweredone6064]

A narcissistic change requires a “change of heart” which, Imho, only God can give. It requires a huge spiritual experience involving compassion. At least in my case it did. Perhaps I’m one in a billion but I first had to desire it. I experienced it way before I understood that NPD was a thing. It began when I became troubled at why I couldn’t cry. Now I cry at many commercials, let alone a movie. It was literally an out of body experience. I can hardly talk about it without reliving the whole experience. Even now I have tears coming down my face while writing about it. I am a male.

[@carazy1noctem910]

Feeling You Bro 😢 Release With Joy Those Moments of Realisation and Embrace it ♡

[@LisaPFrampton]

The key is being capable of seeing things literally through the eyes of others. Not what you would do if you were them (my husband does this and thinks it's being empathetic 🤔🧐) but actually getting and feeling what it's like to be the other and their life and feelings, etc., and feeling compassionate, empathetic and understanding for them. If we can cry for others more than we can for ourselves then I believe we're there. I agree with you that through God we can gain a change of heart, but that's only from hard, hard work, complete humility and teachability, loving ourselves and others for who we are and accepting we are not perfect, but mostly, it's through the miraculous healing power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I was raised by an overt, malignant narcissistic father and mother that's got strong character flaws of a covert narc. So all us kids were raised to be the same. It's taken me years to work my way out of their patterns and into my own, and I know the major change came through the power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and from years of therapy and training. God bless you dude. The work never stops 'till we're dead.

[@maciejstadniczuk2147]

I;male 50 years old, Polish, and i think its happend to me as well. when I was 22. I turn my expresion insade out and I became critical in good sense towards myself. I was pushed by my relations with my GF. Since then I'm selfaware. It was spirytual expierence and I'm still under the influnce of it. Very, very powerful... I'm happy who I am. My mother is extrimly narcissistic , very abusive.

[@mightymouse1005]

Similar here. My upbringing snuffed out positive emotion. The closer I came to God, the more I changed. I never had the arrogance or entitlement or cruelty though. Mostly I didn't have empathy. Now, like you I seem overly empathetic at times. Key is....someone has to make the choice and effort

[@chayo4537]

Sounds like a robot

[@NatureFreak1127]

It took A LOT of abuse and bullying till I became a little less agreeable. It helped me in life though (career and also cutting off toxic people without remorse). But I still need to catch myself not to be too nice from time to time, especially at work.

[@-_-950]

My only comment is run!! Once you realise who're you're dealing with and that they aren't going to change, start putting your plans into place and find a way out.

[@monicatoscano1498]

I’ve had the Narcissist promise change over and over again. Never did he change

[@ainsliejenkins6130]

Unconditional self love is necessary Self acceptance is key Self respect is paramount Set boundaries If others done respect your boundaries, are you prepared to move on.

[@kathrynpassmore5425]

You manage to get me laughing at things that are otherwise just not funny😂 I have actually tried to be like my narc is at times just to give him a taste of his own medicine! Not only was i lousy at it but it felt worse that riding through the abuse

[@TR-nv3if]

I did this too, I was at my wits end so I thought I’ll just act just as delusional as he does. Sometimes he actually believed me, sometimes he got triggered real fast and got so ticked real fast. It was priceless just seeing the looks in his face. I hate games, but to keeping my sanity I did try this a little.

[@idunno6480]

Yeah I was tempted but I was repelled at the thought of being demonic. Can’t go there. Besides, they won’t change so what would be the point?

[@SteuerOhneBerater]

Incredible. I was one year together with a narcisist and I went through hell. Some of you are married for a decade or more. I am just speechless.

[@jenniferwright9749]

He promised to change so I gave him space, and that’s when he got into multiple secretive relationships while pretending to change but actually carrying on the same behavior with new people instead. I caught him, and to say they can change, I’m going to say yeah definitely for the worse. The manipulation just gets more intense. If you can be strong enough to hold back, they will reveal themselves. It’s uglier than you could ever imagine.

[@Rickettsia505]

They just learn from being caught, and get sneakier.

[@flavilbarber3894]

Thx this one really is making me cry ! Your my blessing ❤️

[@ms.chance9775]

This is ONE of the BEST videos that Dr. Ramani has EVER made. It even explains the mindset and dynamics of all these self aware narcissists that are making videos (change) and going as far as hosting and interviewing victims(helping). This is Super Deep.. Literally everything the narcissist does serves as a benefit to the narcissist NOT the victim. Smh. Thank you for an AWESOME video. 💕

[@CJbrieflittlecandle]

How long did I walk around ascribing positive traits and intentions to a person that never exhibited them. Believe what people’s actions are telling you! Deal with reality. They will not change. You can choose your own survival and well-being. Prayers for all of us 🙏

[@jordanferguson2254]

Yep, me too. I make a point of telling myself everyday, people are their actions. Don't give people qualities they don't have. Don't project your traits or thought patterns onto them. They're treating you like shit because they're doing exactly those things, but their index or reference point is themselves.

[@beabove]

Thank you so much for your stand on this! I have seen that way too many people want to believe that the narcissist is really a sweet cuddly teddy bear underneath it all who just needs love and understanding. It's almost impossible for some to face that real change just isn't likely. And the programs asking if the target is "setting them off" are horrifying.

[@visancosmin8991]

It's amazing that they don't make the connection that in the same way they didn't like being traumatized by their parents, they shouldn't do the same now with others. Unbelievable!

[@nicholasfields1082]

I always feel guilty calling my ex a narcissist because that's how he wanted me to feel. But after watching this video and hearing almost exactly how I felt and acted when I separated from him, I realize it is the truth, and I made the right decision. That is.... liberating.

[@marciaparker1568]

Dr. Ramani,You have been such a help to me..I look forward to hearing you each day!!

[@sarasol4677]

So do I!

[@mm-gp9ot]

My dad would always do or say something hurtful, minimizing, or inflammatory and then give a fake apology and proceed to do the exact same thing an hour later.

[@karenabrams8986]

The hardest work I’ve done is to find different responses, using mostly the not taking it personally. I do not like the changes to my own personality from narcissistic abuse. I want no more time with anyone like this. I deserve time to revert to my old agreeable life loving self.

[@FootSoldier4Christ]

I am both an introvert and have an agreeable personality, and I have been a target for narcissistic people. I learned the hard way to not believe them. My ex promised to change multiple times, and once told me in anger that he doesn't need fixing. It was just manipulation to pull me back in. He even went to therapy because that was a stipulation of mine to get back together, but he used it to complain about me. He never once was serious about becoming a better person. At that time, I found lists in a book and coat pocket of what I had to do in order for him to consider going back to me when I was the one who left him. It made me laugh at the ridiculousness of it, and in the reality that he wasn't interested in facing himself and continuing in the marriage was pointless.

[@sarahdawson975]

It's like we were with the same person...

[@visancosmin8991]

5 years old kids. Pathetic.

[@WonderlandTarot333]

Omg me too

[@Roadlesstraveled63]

Brilliant! You cannot “cure someone of their personality”. My Mom told me that a long time ago and boy did I wish I listened back then! Thank you for reminding me Dr. Ramani

[@machevellian79]

I found that being a friend to all is a friend to none. Was explained to me at a job by a wise soul, didn't understand it at the time but I do now.

[@Georgia.O]

Thank you Dr.Ramani, if you are the only person who appreciates those who choose to remain empathic, that is enough. Don't you change either!

[@carlahoglund8914]

I can relate!! I hit the wall & he said “we” could go to therapy to get help!! Ha! When we got there & this was with several therapists, he proceeded to instruct them on how to “make me” change because this was “ how it’s always been” & why do I want to change things now??? Of course he didn’t want it to change, I was ALWAYS the one giving & adjusting!! You’re right, no ability to resuscitate!!

[@joekara]

Same

[@arenee118]

My ex-husband and I went to couples therapy. After telling the therapist all the problems in the relationship that was making me unhappy and depressed, the therapist asked my ex-husband what he saw as being the problem. His answer was why I left. He said, "I don't know why she is so unhappy. I'm happy." There was no reason to continue therapy. I saw a divorce lawyer the next day.

[@AAXS-op1vo]

I literally had an outburst of laughter when you mentioned “couples therapy”. They can lob small efforts but the merry go round ALWAYS circles back around. Trust me, I have LIVED that whole scene

[@joshuaanzalone2060]

That is the funniest thing I've ever heard in my life. They are all perfect. They don't need to change,everyone else needs to.

[@BC-yb1mq]

That is a bad-a** video right there! Amazing synthesis! And the delivery; charismatic... the command of the English language; astounding! The authority on the narcissistic personality style...

[@elainesmith5313]

Dr. R Alanon cleaned my personality up.Anger dissipated , the garbage and toxic baggage I dumped. But the Narcissist got worse. Because I did become more agreeable. In some ways it helped me but he got worse. Or perhaps I finally came to radical acceptance, just didn't look at what he did or did not do. Emotional distance, an uncaring attitude gave me an out.. I moved on in my own world. Business, work, personal interest , friends I spent time with, with little consideration for how he felt. End result change came when he realized I didn't care anymore....Truly. Numb would be a good description of my attitude towards him. My favorite phrase was " Whatever". He became attentive, gifts, and constantly trying to come up with interesting things to do. I was enjoyable watching him struggle as I did the first 20 yrs of marriage. I am an Empath but I often think I'm a bit narcissist too??? Time out.....he died! I'm Free. Moving forward in N.C.

[@alenagoddess2400]

When they're only going to therapy for the other person and they stop after the relationships ended, portraying a facade as soon as nobody's watching essentially claiming to be instantly cured and the victim as well, you realize there is no hope for them.

[@carolynj6144]

I remember being in my narcissistic relationship and suddenly having the realization that I hated his personality 😅 unfortunately I didn’t leave until MUCH later than that

[@susiahlborn8670]

Dr. Ramani. I have been recovering from a NR. Basically they have been around me ALL my LIFE. These videos are godsend. You are explaining it from all angles. It is so relatable! I'm realizing I'm an empathetic introvert and can now understand the dynamic that comes from dealing with a narcissist. I was able to get to so much peaceful, sovereign feeling of self worth by doing the work and staying away from baiting and their dynamic. So, thank you. You are my best friend on YT and when I need advice, I turn to you. Thank you! I know I am not cured, but I have a path and a safe zone by listening to your examples here! I am blessed I have found you and wished you are my best friend I could call. But I will be sure to pay it forward to share this wise information. God bless!

[@cherylsibson2529]

In my experience, Narcissism and people who are Narcissistic, don't recognize health issues in themselves or others unless they absolutely have to, rigidity sets in even well after their cancers, or other diseases, and blame games ensued well till his end. I hold the key to my life, I hold the solutions for myself.

[@theneatlist407]

This I see as true, from my experience. They are so disconnected from themselves, only focusing on what pleasures them

[@newyorkprisonerblog4210]

Your videos are incredibly helpful and you're doing a lot of good in the world Dr Ramani x

[@humbull]

This is going to be extremely helpful as I struggle to get past the trauma bond I developed over my 10 year relationship with a powerfully manipulative and highly intelligent narcissist. She really got deep into my psyche and it's been incredibly difficult for me to figure it out, even after leaving the relationship 3 years ago.

[@tanyazimmerman5514]

I believe you may be helping even one narcissist change for good. The fact that you are willing to reach out to the narcissist in your video, this speaks volumes about your character, your empathy, and your compassion. Oh my word. Dr. Ramani, you are changing the world one person at a time! Thank you!

[@erockfreedom6399]

I can really identify with impulsivity and reactivity. I have been an an abusive livinig situation for over a decade. I feel this fight / reactive response to those who have harmed me. I don't know what I am. What if you don't know who you are anymore? I feel like I have been erased, and when I let them take the lead, it was all over. I keep trying to find a therapist that accept my insurance, and they are all backed up. I feel really gross after I have had a meltdown and reacted to being attacked and got in the mud. Then I react by self isolating, and ... I just feel like a bad person all the time. Yet I know what happened over and over...and over again. I can't get out because of finances. I have been unemployed for several years. I know there is no rescue boat coming. Been gaslighting myself, I think. It is hard to think. I appreciate you so much, thanks for all that you do.

[@lawrencefeldman7744]

No man,don't gaslight yourself! There's plenty of people who'll do the job without thinking about it. How does one's own gaslighting differ from other people's is the question I'm trying figure out. A pre emptive reaction?

[@pegasusgenesis360]

What a great way to show this. It's very difficult for people to understand why someone can't change the bad stuff involved with being a narcissist. This is a great topic. SOOO many people wishfully think the narc will change. They might scale back their targeting--- IF they get another form of supply. So even there, they aren't changing, they just are dividing their narc supply. Great way of looking at it!!!

[@jws3925]

Yup, happened to me.......multiple times until one time I realized nothing was ever going to happen or change. I wanted the marriage to succeed so bad (mostly for my kids) I bought this "I promise to change" routine far too many times than I should have.

[@melindasmith3713]

Who don't we change 100 times for them

[@JB48632pointfour]

Thanks for being a light in the storm, Dr Ramani. I’ve relied on your insights so many times, I’ve lost track. It’s so easy to spot narcissists now-though I do give people a lot of second chances, once I see a pattern, well it’s like an inoculation. You go from being shocked and harmed by their behavior to a place where it barely even matters, because you know it has nothing to do with you. Thank you, thank you, thank you! 😊

[@carolinelaronda4523]

The only thing a true narcissist can change is their supply and their clothes .

[@rainncorbin8291]

I'm not agreeable and not an introvert. I gave him back what he gave me. And that made him leave. Yay!!! I tried getting him to change several years ago. They don't even have a soul, they're incapable of change. I changed MYSELF for the better, and although it didn't help the relationship, it did help me and the more I grew, the less I wanted to be with him. I managed to completely turn my life around for the better, in the midst of the relationship. I got sober and completely rewired my brain and then my body. Now I'm rewiring again to be alone and not be a narc magnet. No amount of change for the narc is enough for me. They cannot stop being who they are. I walked away from family, job and the husband. I'm done with that nightmare. I deserve more and I won't settle. I did try to settle with him, but it was less than great. I lowered my standards and expected very little. It left me resentful. Nope. If you don't give me what I want which is respect, honor, honesty, integrity, etc, then you're not getting a free ride where I do everything and you sit on your behind. You're going to participate or you're going to leave. End of story.

[@robertataylor5794]

So happy for you. Good example for those of us who are working for our own freedom from oppression!

[@rainncorbin8291]

@@robertataylor5794 you can do it

[@africacarey]

Oh my God this is what happened to me I was in a narcissistic relationship I'm just getting out and what I did was I just started to focus on myself and change and get better so I took that relationship and I pointed the finger at me and I just start looking myself more and I start looking at him less

[@diegoiunou]

I don't know if someone already summarized the 11 points in the last chapter (How to avoid becoming a narcissist), so I made it myself because I found them really helpful: 1. Be mindful (38:53) 2. Take "But" out of your vocabulary (40:55) 3. Get therapy (42:01) 4. Focus on gratitude (42:21) 5. Focus on meaning and purpose (45:15) 6. Learn to make amends in an authentic manner (46:21) 7. Create new respondes (47:11) 8. Take responsibility for your stuff (48:00) 9. Engage in self-compassion (49:10) 10. Turn narcissistic patterns around (50:51) 11. Think of reacting instead of responding (52:25)

[@apropo0]

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!🙇‍♂

[@j.wakefield576]

Thank you for the cliff notes before I read this, I also made a notation at 39:45. I don't expect my spouse to change ever (that requires looking to change himself instead of blaming everyone else). I want to stay mindful and reflect that to others. Reacting to him only hurts me and keeps him entertained. TIME TO LOVE AND NURTURE MYSELF.

[@lirielhotshoot1247]

#1 Get Baptized 😊

[@diegoiunou]

@@lirielhotshoot1247 we are trying to HELP people here, not make their life worse by entering them on the longest running scam of history

[@sharingringanseputarkesehatan]

They change to be, sneaky-er with time, seem more softer and elegant from the outside, but everything underneath is the same

[@Heidi_137]

They master their craft with time, they learn how not to be detected, indeed 'sneaky-er and more manipulative in a covert way.

[@anamariesomera1415]

Dr.Ramini you help change lives, give answers, give courage, give truth, empathy, care, strength, you give so much to people. Thank you for the work that you do and the videos you make for everyone to help understand their lives and whats happening in it.

[@DonnaRobertson-m5d]

Dr Ramani. I have listened to hours and hours of your comforting voice. You have taught me so much. You made sense of everything. I’m now well and truly on my road to healing and I wanted to thank you. You save people’s sanity; their happiness; their faith and indeed, their lives. Thank you deeply xx

[@christinamarie7460]

Yes he promised to change after we broke up & he tried to Hoover me back in and guess what? He “tried”… he put on the act … and he did not succeed. This most definitely is future faking to the highest degree.

[@tomchurch2285]

Whether or not one’s a narcissist, the 10 ways Dr. Ramani talks about for a narcissist to become more humane seem worthy goals for a person in general!

[@betrayedinseattle1767]

This was so helpful! My light switch went off, he can’t change just like I can’t. I’m ending this emotional rollercoaster from hell once and for all! If you notice that your person can “change” but it’s only for a week or so… it will never get better. My guy is love bombing me all of it but I noticed that it only lasts for 2.5 weeks! We all deserve more than this. Don’t settle ! Choose you this time! Self love ❤️

[@juliachaffee6742]

My narcissistic EX always said he was" never going to change",, he also made a comment about rage, that I thought was weird because he would rage at me for the silliest things when he used the word rage it made me think that he had been diagnosed with narcissism but I'm not sure, and I saw the red flags from the very beginning,, he would walk way ahead of me in a store like he didn't know me, he never introduced me to anyone at a gathering,, he never came to check on me to see if I was okay or needed anything ever!!

[@WonderlandTarot333]

Yes mine would walk in front of me at the grocery store too!

[@mylastestaddiction739]

Therapy has taught me.. I ignored, valuable signs someone was being neglectful,, uncaring, hurtful and that I myself allowed this because of my own desires to finally receive the attention my alcoholic father never gave me. I spent 21 years of my life with an alcoholic… believing that if I just did this or that better he’d finally stop putting others ahead of me. Never happened.

[@chayo4537]

Yall got some dark desires alright. Leaves a lot to be desired

[@mylastestaddiction739]

@@chayo4537 watch her “drama bonding” video.. It explains a lot.

[@RazinKain1]

My ex is an alcoholic. The first time I left he joined AA and stayed clean(as far as I know) 7 years of our 15. He started drinking again and said "I don't drink around you" and proceeded to drink while I was asleep or out of town. They don't change for the better, only worse as they age.

[@dapp778]

Dr Ramani, watching you has gotten me through some very dark days. It feels like you see me and understand me. Thank you so very much. I used to beg that he stopped raging, insulting and hurting me and my kids. And like you very correctly pointed out, he said I was the one that needed to change. He created long elaborate documents about all my flaws and how I should change. Any time I made even the slightest remark about his behavior, instead of addressing that particular incident, he would pull up this document, cite the date it was created ,and point out at all the things I had to change. It was a good, effective way to shut me up.

[@Maatson_]

You absolutely can change . first must be aware of who you are then you have to be conscious of what you do and why . After that except who you are then you can start to reprogram yourself . Change the environment ,change your habits. You must do it with intent ,now the problem is that most people don’t want to leave there comfort zone and go to the unknown .

[@lucylocket5262]

Narcissists are masters of denial. They are not aware there is anything wrong with them, they reject the idea that they may be the problem, they externalise - blame the rest of the world for their problems. Hence, not much scope for change.

[@denisesatt7044]

Yes, and recognizing their( the narcs) comfort zone is to lie, and alter reality regardless of who they damage is our responsibility to ourselves and in turn everyone else.

[@kellibodony1077]

True, however narcissists have such low self esteem and self worth they cannot allow themselves to acknowledge their faults and issues. To do so would just make them feel even worse about themselves. It's a downward spiral. It's also why they are so unbelievably defensive and over react to anything negative they think is about them. I posted a general post one time on Facebook about something a parent did in our area that wasn't my friend, wasn't named and we had no mutual friends. A narcissist (also not my FB friend but was lurking on my page) saw it and thought it was about herself and started attacking me on the post in a most childish and outrageous way. Everything she attacked me on was a projection of things she felt bad about herself, she had done but lied about or tried to hide. Some of the things were true about myself as well and they were not bad, it's just I was honest about them and she thought I tried to hide them the way she does. I think she was floored to find out everyone doesn't lie to make themselves seem they were born perfect the way she does. Sad but you can't pity them or they will manipulate you.

[@Maatson_]

@@kellibodony1077 I know what you mean with the girl jumping to conclusions and making it about her typical narcissist . But it’s like having any addiction or issue you have to first admit to self that you have a issue. Only then can the healing process start. Your correct most have very low self esteem and warped points of view , project their own beliefs and insecurities on others . But for the few narcissist that have made the leap to change it happens when they get sick and tired of being sick and tired of fighting with every one and them selfs.

[@krivoli86]

Change is difficult even for healthy people. A narcissist might need to willingly experiment with psychosis, destroy his mental structure, try to set it up from scratch and hope for better result. Terrifying process I can only imagine.

[@autumn4115]

Mine said to me "why can't you see I'm trying to change?" And on the next breath said to me " You must know that you will never be in control" and in my heart I said "wanna bet?"

[@Glorybound333]

This is actually a great point and perspective…we can’t just change our personality just like that and neither can they.

[@lindyjensen1845]

You can’t always be agreeable. I learned this after cutting off family. Took practice just to be able to say no and respectfully share opinions and just not agree with everything. I was that agreeable person because I was afraid to say no from the intimidation and pressure that would be put on me to have to agree to keep the peace

[@wildrose12.47]

Dr. Ramani, great food for thought. It reminds me of the people that keep big cats, or other wild carnivores. The biggest danger is for the person who thinks she can make a panther into a kitten. Also they gain self-worth by being the only one that can handle the tiger. The tiger will hurt anyone else, but the tiger values me. Same concept as women who marry dangerous murderers in prison. Only I can pet the tiger. The people in least danger are the ones who radically accept, this is a wild animal. I can have a certain relationship with it, but it will never be a puppy. Most people who want an animal to nurture and love will choose one capable of RECEIVING it. It’s not only that narcissists cannot change, but they cannot change enough to RECEIVE the benefits of love, nurturing, and truth that transforms and heals normal people. They are unreachable, uninspirable , not when it costs them any effort. They just shift the responsibility, problem solved. They can’t change because our love, teaching, gentle prompts, and encouragement miss the mark. They don’t have a bullseye for that. It’s like speaking Mandarin to a doorknob. There’s no point of assimilation.

[@sewgeekdesigns9113]

My ex it was always I’m gonna work on myself and it was him sitting at home drawing…this after two years was hard. I knew he wasn’t gonna grow as a person but I was. Last night I said I need to move on good luck. He turned it back on to him and brought up my depression as a scape goat… I said I know your back trynna date why I was one step ahead of you…. I cried about it and said I did what I could I don’t regret helping him during his dads death. His real friends pfft wouldn’t even help him move. It’s not your duty to save people. That’s what I learned

[@andrewlowe2962]

Not sure why this made soooooo much sense? Feeling really good after hearing the information about these pathetic people, this is fire 🔥 my Christmas present 💝

[@Brembelia]

This is a very good and helpful video. It is frank, direct, simple to follow and understand, and it offers solution in your 11 point plan. I come from a family of highly educated, successful, and narcissistic people. Their belief system is that their success is justification for their attitudes and treatment of others. A woman in Trinidad suggested to me, not too long ago, that I needed to change my communication skills because I can come off as sharp and people get the idea that I am cold and intentionally mean spirited. I have been trying to be mindful of this Trinidad message and make change on a daily basis. It's hard because the first thing, after someone flags an area that needs your attention, is being able to see it. I don't mind making constructive change. I want to get things right. It makes for better everything; as you have noted here, Dr. Ramani. But what I consider clarity and accuracy others are perceiving as being cutting. Worse. Cutting from a place of meanness; like my intention is to be destructive instead of constructive. I've been struggling to come up with a plan of action on what to do. This 11 point plan is just what I have been looking for; a place to begin. Thank you for making this video for us. I think I'm going to get a notebook, list the 11 points, and keep a daily diary of things I approach differently each day utilizing this plan. I know Rome wasn't built in a day, but you'll never get there if you don't get started. Thanks, again.😊 🌼 🌸 🌻

[@PerfectPetProductions]

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

[@i_am_whole_again]

This was such an AHA MOMENT! I feel like Im pretty far down the road of basic acceptance about my spouses behavior on a daily basis, but every holiday season I always wonder- WHY does he do this EVERY YEAR?? I guess I just needed a reminder that his promises to "change" are as empty & calculated as the rest of his day to day behaviors.

[@jennielai2459]

One day when we argued I realized that he will never change because I have already given him so many chances and nothing changes. That was when I had reached my limit so I kicked him out! It was a battle though 😮‍💨 I think he was surprised that I stood my ground and didn’t cave for him 🤣

[@arenee118]

I loved my narc sister's statement to me when she sensed I was going to go no contact. She said she was seeing a therapist. Then she said, "I'm making changes to improve myself, but you wouldn't know this because you never call me." So she's making changes, but her statement about changing contains the very things (future faking and dry begging) that are problems. She told me she goes to therapy, but then says that she corrected two strangers when what they were talking about didn't match her opinion or reality. Two strangers!!! She's been abusive of me since first grade, trying to control me, not letting me play games I wanted to play, monopolizing my time which prevented me from having time with my friends, turning my friends against me, and so on. She still did this up until I went no contact. At 66, it's time for some peace in my life.

[@frankcruz1486]

After watching Dr. Ramani's website and reading all the comments: I have lived in Hell for 11 years thinking I'm losing my mind, sleeping on the couch for two years to sleeping in the guest room for two weeks. I'm in heaven now and starting to enjoy life! I have a long way to go, but I'm on my way... Love you all. We are not alone. Thank you, Dr. Ramani.

[@Gabby-hw7my]

It’s sad to accept my mother will never change.

[@LivPurpleNow]

It is sad, but once I accepted the narcissist in my life won’t chang, it made it easier to be around her - very difficult as a hopeful, empathic person, especially around Thanksgiving & Christmas.

[@joshuaanzalone2060]

Gabby when I finally started realizing I can only control myself and my perceptions,it made it much simpler. I worked on many things and have much more to work on. I learned to finally set boundaries and cut off all people that mean no well for my life. I vowed that I would no longer react to family or past people. I made a conscious decision to improve myself and not tolerate bullying from family. I now focus on myself. Change comes from admitting your wrongs and what you need to work on. Most narcissists will never do this.

[@RippleDrop.]

I know. It's hard for me too. I've known and studied narcissism for 5 years and again Christmas with her is deeply saddening. Having a Narcissist mother.

[@know973]

Thank you Dr Ramani for this safe and warm space of understanding and acceptance. This message struck me today. I'm very appreciative.

[@daveh4925]

The best and most accurate way to think of these people is as calculated, unrelenting cloaked evil - is it ok to support evil? Will this damage others nearby? Run away feel nothing for these evil creatures they will waste your life and enjoy your destruction for no reason other than they can.

[@MT-ee1ez]

you are exactly right, you can't change them, you can only change your mind set and get out and move on!

[@tanyazimmerman5514]

This video really hits me and rings so true! All your videos make sense, but this one gave me that “aha! Moment”! I left my narc husband after 7 years, called his bluff, moved out in a dime. Talked to his mom a week later, she finally told me his father (her ex husband) was a severe narcissist and she gets it. Her biggest question? “Why did you stay with him so long?!” As much as she loved me as her daughter in law, she knew her son. She had hoped he changed with me, but wasn’t surprised that he hadn’t. Thank you for ALL OF YOUR INFORMATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT!

[@herbgarden496]

Thank you Dr. Ramani for speaking the truth. I'm having that aha moment this week. You know when you are studying something really hard that you don't understand and you finally get it and it clicks. Yep, what you see is what you get, it's not going to get better. All that is left to do is for me to change myself. How did I stay stuck here for so long?

[@denisesatt7044]

I remember that period of my life. Not one of those times I look back on with fondness. BUT I am so thankful it is the past!! Find your good self ! " Peace be with you"

[@herbgarden496]

Thank you

[@AVERYCK77]

When the cat does not have a mouse to play with, the minute the cat knows you know, he will show an amaising ability to transform himself into a bloody submissive polite mouse but never forget that nothing is real around here nor have ever been. There is only one solution : running away.

[@melissanguyen4904]

Mine changed, he got better at hiding the lies, abuse, and cheating 😂 and using therapy language to manipulate and confuse me more. Boy bai. Literally everything out of his mouth is still lying. Even when I caught him on video assaulting my son he still kept the lies going to me and the therapists. There’s no helping him. He thinks nothing is wrong with the way he is. But yet somehow I am not showing him compassion 🙄 keep up the videos Dr Ramani, it helps me stay strong getting to safety.

[@youngblood8540]

You made me lol, except the part you caught him assaulting your son.

[@sarahdawson975]

I don't have kids but otherwise my ex was the same. He used all the therapy jargon to be an even bigger baby and victim. I called him on it every time and then just decided I was tired of him and his immaturity. I had to get through the detox phase but it was so worth it. He's the biggest loser I've ever dated and that helped me take a hard look at how I get there and really work on myself.

[@chayo4537]

"Boy Bai?!" 😖👎🤡

[@melissanguyen4904]

@@chayo4537 yep, that fits, after trying for two years to get him to stop abusing kids and police investigations for soliciting minors the only place for him is the door. The only reason I stayed as long as I did was because of the gaslighting, manipulation and fear what he would do if I wasn’t there to protect the kids. But if you think child predators are cool then you can have him, he’s up for grabs 😂🤣😂 ✌️

[@pittymama4500]

Throughout 20 years in a narcissistic relationship my personality has changed on its own from an agreeable extrovert to an agreeable introvert.

[@sinetheawhy]

I stayed because I had invested so much. Kind of like a Vegas slot machine that won’t pay out more than a buck for every 10 I put in. Then I finally realized the reward was not going to happen during my shift. But I do credit him for curing me of any cravings for drama and my Bull@#$& detector is off the charts😂

[@kristinemajchrzak5222]

I tried one whole day at work to “act out “I acted like my mother. Almost got fired. I was told don’t try changing myself, to take it one day at a time and be me still nice payed back it’s tough when your angry from not being heard

[@melindasmith3713]

We used can act

[@margarethodges6689]

Yep . Many times after 22years l left he has tried to hoover me back ..and nearly succeeded.because of your videos doctor Ramani I didn't give in...Thank you so much ♥️

[@melissalund4564]

Really interesting video. People with this kind of personality don't really want to change. They've got it too good!

[@catherinejustin1329]

Money and power does not solve all the problems on the planet. They bury narcs and empaths everyday. Make your choice. Yes, I can stop being agreeable at any point in time.

[@J.S.47887]

This has got to be one of my favorite videos of Dr. Ramani's❤

[@SueP-D]

No one changes. People can work on certain behaviors, but that’s not changing who they actually are. We empaths are suckers and magical thinkers. Sadly. We can work on those behaviors, but we won’t really change. So I am working really hard, failing mostly, on peeling my narc off of me for good. Emotionally I’m 💯 over him. I don’t believe him, I don’t trust him, I’m not flattered by his love bombs, I don’t count on him. Yet I let him take advantage of me. He doesn’t live with me but his crap is all over my house. I still take his calls. I’m so ashamed because I have no excuse for my ridiculous behavior. I makes absolutely no sense. It’s humiliating. Thanks for listening guys☮️

[@tricia007100]

Sometimes it's step-by-step. Just don't believe one red hot word they speak.

[@SueP-D]

@@tricia007100 I know. Thank you.

[@WonderlandTarot333]

I’m ashamed that I still take their calls too 😢 yet I’m the same.. I don’t trust.. don’t rely etc

[@SueP-D]

@@WonderlandTarot333 I’m proud to say I’ve made some progress 🎉. I got rid of a lot of his stuff and smashed the remaining junk into one small corner. He doesn’t try to call as much, but still sometimes I answer. I usually end the call pretty quickly, which is real progress for me. I used to just let him blabber on and on. It’s a tiny bit of progress, but still with a longgggggg ways to go. I hope you can start gaining strength and just start pushing back. It’s so hard for some of us. Best of luck to you, my Friend ☀️☮️✨💕

[@WonderlandTarot333]

@@SueP-D that’s so good xx I’m on day 2 no contact 🐍🛑🙌good luck to you xx

[@angeliathompson5183]

This video is sooooo helpful. My husband is a narcissist and I realize he’s never going to change.

[@angelicamaster7764]

If the Narcissist is 75 and still doing all the same things….. they can’t change and won’t even try.

[@dorothywest2053]

Narcissist don't change. They find a more clever way to destroy you.😢😂😅

[@josephinesedilla7174]

He continually changed, from being a vile beast to being a vilest beast. His "reality" is he is perfect physically, intellectually, in every way. Nothing in him needs to change. Period. So I go no contact after 30 plus years.

[@csfiskus610]

Personality is something you are born with. Behaviors are developed and learned. A cold person can learn to be even-tempered and well-mannered but he/she isn't going to be huggable, warm, and a great source for emotional support.

[@andreal.1666]

I think what you call „Personality“ ist „Temprament“!