4 ways to PROTECT YOURSELF from narcissists

ORDER MY NYT BESTSELLING BOOK 📖 "IT'S NOT YOU"
smarturl.it/no...
JOIN MY HEALING PROGRAM
doctor-ramani....
JOIN THE DR. RAMANI NETWORK
www.drramanine...
GET INFO ABOUT MY UPCOMING PROGRAM FOR THERAPISTS
forms.gle/1RRU...
SIGN UP FOR MY MAILING LIST
forms.gle/Bv9G...
LISTEN TO MY NEW PODCAST "NAVIGATING NARCISSISM"
Apple Podcasts: podcasts.apple...
Spotify: open.spotify.c...
Stitcher: www.stitcher.c...
iHeart Radio: www.iheart.com...
DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[@p.w.352]

Growing up with a narcissist, I have observed that once the narcissist considers someone to be an enemy, they will always be an enemy even after the two parties supposedly make up. They will put on an act of friendship, but will speak unkindly about them behind their back. If they discarded you once, they will do it again. So don't get sucked back in.

[@sharonthompson672]

Yes! Syrupy sweet to your face, but you keep finding these knives in your back... 🤔

[@williamdillard8330]

Yep once a target always a target.

[@diana5898]

Yes. Black & white thinking!!

[@cherokeetrailsacademy]

I went back thinking I could deal from a distance being aware of the situation. I came seconds away from losing my life to her flying monkeys. BE CAREFUL PEOPLE!! This is for Real!!!!

[@C.C-os1cz]

It’s unfortunate. I think that is why many of us wait for it. We wait for the upcoming attack or bad news.

[@rociomartinez8666]

1. Financial stability for for financial independence 2. Solid stable group of friends 3. Self care 4. Strong sense of self

[@icalotdonthide2646]

I push many people to be financially stable because growing up I saw the evils of depending on 'family'.

[@krusmatrieya3181]

Financial stability - gets you sent to a psych ward 1 month before shooting your frst indie film and have staff bend your arm because you were gripping your cellphone hoping to warn your production manager. After the abuse months later (6) staff will invent stories on how you were clawing one of the staff. Reporting to the psychiatrist of the psych ward gets an I'm sorry but no repercussions. Solid state group of friends - every good friend I had basically told me they would pray for me when the ambulance staff had been contacted. Post-psychiatric ward release, they either don't reply or say they are sorry for the situation. Self care - Magnesium, banned by psychiatrist of one of the 6 psych wards I am in. Request for xylitol - it's just a sugar free alternative. APAP for sleep apnea? Why don't you lie on one side of the bed? I thought it was your teeth that was the issue. The psychiatric drug we're providing you is a super magnesium alternative for your sleep. You are still young. Strong sense of self - injected with Seroquel for defending a recently admitted patient after being mugged by 2 nurse and 4 nursing staff or attendants. Said patient weeks later? Was sent on a stretcher for a psychiatric drug intoxication because the ward wouldn't release her and insisted they could buy an IV bag and keep her admitted on it.

[@trinap.8904]

Yes parents can use money to keep control

[@amarbyrd2520]

​@@icalotdonthide2646I wish I'd met you earlier in my earning cycle - I was gaslit for years by too many "friends & family" whom Dr. Ramani described in one of her other videos who literally say things like "Lalala I don't really want to hear about this it's such a downer and you must be imagining it" -- so you're twice traumatized because there's nowhere else to go for support when you suspect a narcissist to whom basically the whole world continues to INSIST to you that you have family obligations may be stealing from you. Not everyone is so fortunate to get an early education in financial independence or even basic finance - in part because lots of people in the world do not want certain people to know anything about money. I've been told I didn't need to know anything about money; all I needed to know was my profession -- I was also told "people like me" weren't expected to know anything about money or "weren't entitled to learn anything" about it -- and I was told that by more than one person, as well. Like perhaps a whole lot of things when it comes to the issue of narcissistic abuse -- learning what we as survivors need to know about it and ourselves and our needs isn't quite as easy as it looks when so many in the world would rather we stay in varying degrees of perpetual ignorance and servitude because they believe it serves THEM (but not us).

[@amarbyrd2520]

​@@trinap.8904They can even steal it from you

[@calmmindcollectiveco]

To everyone finding themselves watching this video, engulfed in the chaos and heartache caused by a narcissist, remember: they were drawn to your light, kindness, and intrinsic worth. Despite how they have made you feel inside, they chose you for a reason - don’t ever forget that. Your presence here, seeking understanding and ways to cope, showcases an inner strength and a silent pledge towards your wellbeing. Each step on this painful journey is a monumental victory towards regaining your happiness and future. Press on, and know that you are never alone in this struggle. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for creating a community where we all navigate together towards healing, brighter days, and new beginnings. Even in moments when you feel isolated and unloved, remember there is love in the world for you, powerful enough to illuminate even the darkest paths. 💖

[@lizwilliamson8332]

Thank you for this message of support which is much needed. I appreciate it so much 🙏

[@Prometheuspredator]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It is thoughts like this that help us to realize we are important and worthy to be loved and respected by others, and if not it is ok to detach and disengage. It is ok for us to love ourselves instead of putting the needs of others who have toxic traits ahead of our own wellbeing.

[@calmmindcollectiveco]

@@lizwilliamson8332 Sending you an embrace of strength and a beacon of light on your journey ahead. 🙏🏻 May each step bring you closer to peace and healing. 💕

[@lizwilliamson8332]

@@calmmindcollectiveco That means a lot to me. I’m going to hang onto those words to give me hope. Thank you so much 🙏

[@ReviewsChannel-e4r]

They were drawn to what they perceived as weaknesses and the realization that they are not worthy of that/you.

[@Just_Hearts_NYC]

A relationship with narcissist’s is like a Death by 1000 cuts 😢

[@not-even-german4892]

First : No relationship! Ignore them 100%

[@andreyasdus7629]

One of the most accurate statements I've ever seen. Exactly the truth.

[@barbpaq]

The definition of cPTSD

[@sarafolkins8231]

Oh yeah

[@eagerlabassistants]

with lemon juice in them.

[@youngblood8540]

A relationship never dies a natural death, it's murdered by the narcissist's EGO, ATTITUDE AND SELFISHNESS.

[@maggiemay8622]

So sad , especially when kids are involved. They’ll try to turn the kids against you😢

[@RepentTimeIsAtHand]

​@@maggiemay8622I pray for all children hearts, minds, souls and spirits. That they be able to see clearly and the acts of the evil narcissist and that it is revealed to the children...so the narcissist has no power to change their love for the person/ person's the narcissist is trying to turn them against. We live in an evil world. Mankind has allowed evil to rule their hearts, let us pray for God's mercy now and do it together. In Jesus name 🙏

[@gypsygirl6010]

And then they will beat your heart into the ground like Neegan did to Abraham's head. There's no grace in the breakup or the loss. They have to destroy you to make you worthless to them so they can walk away. Then, even still, they will come back around to either get you back or to engage you once again.

[@lisarochwarg4707]

What relationship? You're dealing with a bizarre mental case.

[@FallaciesDetective]

I like the term murdered. It fits. Also because their slander and false witness is murder in their hearts. Defamation is like murder, even according to the bible.

[@carolynjaynes36]

I met some people who said I was nice, and they were totally surprised because my ex-husband had told them I was a monster. He also taught my daughter to hate me. I'm an empath and always wanted to help people. Now I mind my own business. I love the gray rock technique, and I've left and moved away from all the narcissists. I live with my dog and cat now and I have PEACE.

[@lori6156]

Same situation and I’ve cried so many tears as this is my only adult child

[@tundrawomansays694]

@@lori6156They’re adults. They’ve fledged. Now it’s time for you to grow up and become one yourself. *They owe you nothing.*

[@usedscar]

​@lori6156 When the narc is your only child and you were the only parent, it's a super special pain. You know you had a part in creating the monster, and you want to help until the fangs are sinking into you. I've had to accept that as the closest person in his life I really don't matter except to be supply.

[@Lionhart0067]

I can't wait to be where you are. I'm still going thru the embers

[@rebeccakester9757]

Good for you.....God Bless!❤

[@suebryant1188]

The best response I did toward my narcissistic mother when she complained that I never told her interesting things about my life was to chuckle and say I really had a boring life. She wasn’t interested in the accomplishments i was making. She wanted ammunition.

[@sharonthompson672]

That was a really hard lesson, when they're acting kind and/or interested, or concerned. They're hoovering you back in to destroy you again. Put on your armor and never let down your guard. Or better yet, sometimes retreat is the best option.

[@sophiaandre139]

Facts. They want to know your business and then use it against you

[@BarbaraBowenPhotography]

I had learned at a young age to downplay my fun and accomplishments around my mother and sister. Sharing any of that fun would ignite jealousy and cause them to come up with a scheme to ruin my good feelings or fun. Classic “joy stealing”

[@euphorbia1581]

It's sad when one's own parents are the narcissists . My mother wasn't very supportive , but I blame it on ignorance and being depressed herself. She rather rarely told me something really hurtful ( like once telling me that instead of bringing her to love me, I make her hate me when I was misbehaving once ( I think) or sometimes ironically telling me " cuz you're smarter" ( since I was way more booksmart than her). Mostly it was indifference. But it still was painful. But your own mom actively trying to make you suffer? I can't imagine how traumatizing that must be!

[@ebd123]

Yes! I do that and immediately ask "how about you? What's new in your life?" He immediately then slides into his comfort zone of telling me someone "important " that he had lunch with. I then go back to just being there until the time comes to end the visit.

[@georgiazen]

When you stop taking their attacks personally, you realise how needy and unhinged these people are

[@aaronwallace8397]

It’s wild. You come to see even they have no idea how they operate.

[@sushmayen]

Sometimes its better to leave them alone to wallow in their own dark thoughts .

[@katrinaquick8834]

No be there for each other ❤️

[@cynthiajohnston9065]

​@@katrinaquick8834Are you referring to a narcissist being there for you?

[@T_Nice]

Not sometimes, it is ALWAYS better to walk away, block them, and never answer them or look back ever again!! This is not a game, this means your life!

[@Spartan7646]

Good luck with that! If you live together, they will follow you room to room. You'll have to leave the house and eventually you'll have to come back and they'll pick up where they left off, arguing with you all night. But while you were out they were crying on some else's shoulder and cheating on you.

[@Sqwivig]

​@@Spartan7646Well yeah, no shit that's difficult. That's why Dr. Ramani always puts a caveat in her stance on No Contact. It's not always possible for people to do because of living, work, or financial circumstances. It IS the best solution for sure, but not everyone has the luxury of leaving and going no contact. I'm really sorry you are going through this and I hope some day you have the means to leave or find a group of people to lean on while you endure the narcissist in your life. Finding people who understand your situation and empathize with you is crucial to staying sane while you deal with an abusive person. I hope you find those people in your life and in the meantime you are always welcome in online communities like this one ❤ There's a subreddit called r/raised by narcissists and they have helped me through a lot of tough times dealing with my parents before I could cut them out. Sometimes just reading other people's stories can be very validating.

[@karmabosman7206]

I have no greater regret than the fact that I actually shared intimate concerns with this person! Yikes.

[@PapaSeanX5]

Yes exactly! They're always looking for leverage and will use it against you

[@barbpaq]

I was an army brat and find it easy to connect with people quickly, like on a bus trip, or with new employees. But then over the years I've come to realize that I've opened myself to narcissists and other insecure people. I'm having to retrain myself.

[@1love847]

That's growth. That's beautiful. We are growing up and doing the work to see what doesn't serve us or a healthy relationship. We cab do this, the Narc cannot.

[@Prometheuspredator]

I do understand this. I am having to think and refrain from sharing so much about myself with others. This is a struggle for me as I have to be aware of it, but it is a skill that I will accomplish.

[@AlisonBSL]

Another army brat here and I'm exactly the same. It's a huge life lesson to pull back and pay attention before being my usual friendly self.

[@pilarq7886]

Ive same issue i offerred to find cheap attorney for zero speaking foreigner ..he disrespected almost to a point of misdeamoner im calling INS and getting him kicked back to hellhole he came from 😊💃

[@1love847]

I can relate to feeling comfortable with strangers and opening up too fast. But think of it like a mother towards her child. She would protect her and redirect her from this behaviour until she learns proper discernment. Having full trust in those who haven't proven themseves worthy is dangerous. The good news is we can change especially if our behaviour isn't serving us. The Covert Narc with the disorder cannot.

[@lisadavis9535]

I actually did this with my ex. I told him that I had no right to ask him to change. He agreed. Then I said that I couldn't live like this anymore. No passion, just coldness. It worked. He figured out a reason to leave. He went around our small town telling everyone how mean I was. One of his friends was talking to my secretary and asked her how she could stand working for me because I was so mean. She said she laughed in his face because I am actually very empathetic. Sort of changed the story around town which felt pretty good. I never looked back and am so grateful I did that.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Dad triangulates me; I have no contact with him! I am succeeding in living my life the way I want, without his permission/approval and his nitpicking at me, being a jerk, telling me that he is visiting others, instead. They can have him, I don't want anything to do with him, which is why I went no-contact with him. No more stress for me! It's working!

[@youngblood8540]

The problem with keeping a grey rock in my pocket is that, I might throw it at them.😄😁😅😂🤣

[@theyellowshoe]

Yep I was thinking the same! 🤣

[@Cthomas5678]

😂😂😂 for sure

[@GoodJuJu...112]

😂😂😂 OMG facts!

[@amylott4249]

This made me laugh. Needed that. 😂 Thanks

[@mabelpayne8933]

😂

[@maryl9180]

Please, please, please gather up your courage, record EVERY interaction, and when you have what you need to protect yourself against their lies, gaslighting, and pity stories, RUN. You will find strength in listening to the recordings when your trauma bond starts to make you weak in the initial separation. The recordings will leave no doubt that your abuse and their evil were real.

[@youngblood8540]

Being both soft and strong is a combination very few have mastered.

[@listeningwatching]

Be wise as a serpent...and gentle as a dove. MATTHEW 10:14

[@Sqwivig]

It's a fine line to walk for sure but it's something everyone should learn how to do.

[@tundrawomansays694]

These people don’t do grey areas-which is where most of adult lives for *real adults* takes place.

[@notagain779]

@youngblood8540, Yes, It's so important to be aware, and fix one's inner game ahead of time to avoid entanglement. I'm trying to teach myself some slippery tactics while still being a decent person and not allowing myself to retaliate or harm anyone else.

[@mabelpayne8933]

BUT, How can I find no contact while I live with flying monkey. Husband to sister. He has help create this monster.

[@mdarwhitecube2367]

A narc will only bring out the worst side of your personality so you get stuck between this narc and your tense reactive self. Go no contact and mix with folks who sees the best in you. Being alone is a pleasure unless you hate yourself

[@Lyndanet]

Yeah

[@vinuthakunapareddy5628]

It is true. They bring out the worst in you which is your reactive self or the response you give because you feel like you’re going crazy and they’re dead calm when it’s them that started and continue on and on.

[@Lyndanet]

@@vinuthakunapareddy5628 ok

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Not dealing with my narcissistic Dad is a win! No more stress for me, from his toxic attitude and treatment. I deserve a better father.

[@ALT-vz3jn]

I went gray rock with one of the narcissists in my life (my family is full of them), and they started spontaneously attacking me though horrible texts full of very hurtful lies. I totally resented my boundaries being violated that way, so I ended up going No Contact and blocking them. After a couple of months they ended up going to my husband to ask if they could travel to visit us! The NERVE. My husband said ‘No, you were very nasty to her with your texts so she doesn’t want to see you’. That was it after that, now I have peace. So I guess I wasn’t ‘tough as nails’ enough! but after a lifetime of dealing with narcissists I refuse to have my boundaries violated by them. I’ve absolutely had it with their behavior.

[@cb9825]

Tbh I never feel 100% safe because narcs know where I live. What will stop them from travelling here and making a scene?🤦🏻‍♀️so far I just hope that they have better things to do.

[@barbpaq]

Thank God your husband backed you up. If he hadn't, what do you do? Maybe spend that time with a relative or friend. Maybe book a vacation? And what if they make sure they're there the day you return? Turn around and go to a hotel or hostel or in town friend? Narcissists love taking for free and while making sure you spend and spend.

[@barbpaq]

@@cb9825 I have that concern, too. My narc travels and visits relatives and tells them he hates me. But when I come home to visit my parents whom he lives with, he disappears for the week I'm in town. Then miraculously I'll get a call from parents an hour after I've left that he's returned. So he'll be wherever he wants to be when ever he wants to be there. He has a traveling nurse job. He's currently plundering my parents estate and attorney doing nothing. How am I to know whether he decides to come to my state and plunder me next. I'd probably never know until it's too late.

[@tundrawomansays694]

@@cb9825Of course they’re going to make a scene-*but it’s them making the scene, not YOU!* This behavior reflects *very poorly on THEM, not YOU!* Do not respond. Ever. Call LEO and tell them you have a stalker/harasser who has been told IN WRITING (make sure you get it in writing, my friend) to never contact you in any way again. If you have a parent of this ilk they sure will come after you because they see you as a possession, not a person. Please make an informal in person visit to your local LEO to give them a heads up. If it’s a parent, they lost custody of you the day you became a legal adult.

[@Greenwings701]

I wonder if it's the 3rd party (your husband) that they respect and don't want to tangle with (sadly). This is very interesting. Often been true for women who are not listened to; people listen to their husband. They may give a woman less of a hard time if she's married. It can be a powerful buffer.

[@happyclappy1805]

i went cold turkey and havent spoken to my narc sister for nearly 3 years and am on minimal contact with my narc Mother .Cannot describe how light and happy I feel now. I am not at all lonely and I'm peaceful. I'm cultivating good friendships with decent ,kind people, travelling and taking up new interests.I've cut them off financially after decades of financial abuse and have healthy savings and surplus for the first time since I was in my 20s. It's a bright new world ay 50!

[@havecourageandbekind9605]

Beware of tragedy infiltration. What I mean is they’ll turn up at your lowest to destroy you more, I know, when my son died they destroyed my career and relationships by finding out my new life after no contact for over 30 years. Please beware. Keep them away forever

[@not-even-german4892]

U are enough!!!! Humans will deceive u. U are a whole❤

[@sujammaz]

oh yes, especially the taking up new interests is a big win for me. being safe from their trying to take away and tear apart anything i love all the time, is the absolute best. well done ❤

[@Lyndanet]

You are so fortunate

[@sulviagania5665]

I need your help cause I struggle a lot and I’m in a similar situation

[@sushmayen]

Even if we're being genuinely nice to them they think we're insulting them. Their messed up head believes everyone is out to get them. They become more offensive thats their defense mechanism

[@mmorgan7918]

EVERY normal behavior I acted with was twisted back to me as if they were behaviors of a crazy monster. He said that I was Jeffrey Dahmer and he was a little boy locked in my closet. I had one time told him that his lack of attention and interest in me caused me to feel like I may as well be a little boy (as A-sexual as possible in his eyes). I literally think he threw out this barb...to take what I said to him and throw it back at me.

[@zurigee6]

I'm a jovial person happy for everyone's accomplishments. I have a habit of sharing good news example a friend bought a house, graduated etc. This person said I always,"Compared him to others not making feel like a man" rational for have dozens of affairs.

[@sujammaz]

totally. being genuinely nice to them forces them to feel their own inability to treat people well, they hate it more than anything. i've actually kind of developed a practise around this because it's a win-win for me: i get to behave the way i enjoy behaving and i also get to show them that they can't make me into one of them. it's difficult because they have worked hard to get me off that path with ridicule and aggression, so there is a lot of trauma to deal with, but it's hugely rewarding. be kind out of spite.

[@sujammaz]

another tactic that i've recently discovered and which requires a level of security which not everybody has so be careful with it, is: actively replacing their dismissive and unkind responses with what i would have said in their stead. like out loud, for them to hear. for example when i tell them about something good in my life, and they barely react and try to change the subject as quickly as possible, i take the time to congratulate myself on their behalf. the way this puts them in their place, makes them shut up and grapple with their conflicting emotions is just delicious to me. but again: careful to not put yourself in danger!

[@sujammaz]

also it has the same double win aspect because coming up with the things i put in their mouths requires me to practise and reclaim my own sense of worth.

[@markalbert1283]

Grey rock is good but if you are to engage, the best defense is to know yourself. Once I finally understood exactly who I am, gaslighting no longer worked. I became so sure of myself, I no longer doubted myself. I never took her blame into deep introspection, because I spent so much time already in introspection. I learned to spot deflection and projection immediately to call it out. There was nothing she could do to hurt me if we were in a argument. I was finally able to take the power back. Knowing yourself and seeing the trick while it was happening, kept me from being abused any longer. It only took 30 years for me to figure out.

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

My mental health was severely affected by the narcissistic sister in law verbally attacking me at a family dinner. Fighting the negative thoughts and enablers who pressure me to be around her like nothing happened. It’s not ok. Taking care of me. ❤

[@KoolT]

Bravo

[@pilarq7886]

Respond Why to anything she says or say it doesnt matter or whatever😂

[@lorianne4608]

well something certainly happened + you don’t want any part of it. Mazel Tov

[@robynmarler1951]

God bless you, peanut💖

[@HaleSam-k1y]

😢

[@PhD1986]

I was recently discarded by a narcissist who, of course, was considerate and fun in the beginning but who quickly rejected me when he began manipulating me and I set some limits. It feels like a load off my shoulders to realize this is a good thing and I don't have to consider myself defective that he no longer wishes to be friends. My mother began telling me no one liked me when I was 10 years old and at age 71, I continue to have an intense fear of having people dislike me. Thanks to Dr. Ramani and this supportive community, I feel like I'm getting better.

[@qua7771]

Narc's only come around when they want something.

[@PhD1986]

Good to remember that. Thanks!@@qua7771

[@annettegriffin3947]

Sorry youre mum did tjis to you mine told me no one could putnupmwith me over and over I've forgive. Her now but it did affect me for years

[@aries4901]

Yep. "No one likes you" "Everyone agrees with ME" ' You are crazy.. you are psychotic "

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

He is defective. You deserve better! Your mother is wrong, too! My Dad is nitpicking and lecturing me for things I haven't done. He needs to man up, grow up, and shut up. I don't want his opinion of me, at all. I don't need his permission, either, to be me. I am 60 and don't live with him. He is very controlling. He doesn't "give a shit"(his words, decades ago, when I complained). I deserve a better father than him. He does the Harry Chapin's song: "Cat's Cradle" song routine with me; I am so over Dad! He expects me to chase him. That isn't happening. I went no-contact in August, best thing I ever did for myself! I deposed his tyranny but not bothering with him.

[@williamdillard8330]

The benefit of a doubt will get you in trouble with a narcissist.

[@tundrawomansays694]

….and you’re just kicking the can of allllll your experience with them down the road.

[@Lea-EttaCalzolano]

That benefit of the doubt ,common kindness in humanity to our fellow man way of living???? The narcissist zeros in on those traits and counts on them in manipulating and controlling you in the future. Sad.

[@williamdillard8330]

@user-jb7pn9bm8w Yeah, I believe in giving the benefit of a doubt, but it can't be an ongoing effort with a narcissist. They see it as a weakness.

[@miffy2760]

Ain’t that the truth!

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Just because I don't feed into the "sick" game(s) the narcissist plays!

[@yukio_saito]

4 ways to PROTECT YOURSELF from narcissists: 00:28 Gray Rock 🪨🪨 11:14 Firewalling 🧱🧱 24:04 No Contact 📵📵 43:34 Soul Distancing ⛔⛔

[@reesesha2289]

Awesome! Thank you.

[@lizh1988]

TYVM, this is very helpful.

[@405OKCShiningOn]

Thank you for this outline✍️✒️🗃️

[@angelawade1445]

Perfect.

[@dapperlizard289]

Thank you

[@katie195]

So true. Resign to yourself they will never hear you. You serve their agenda. They will always “win”. No argue. It’s just the way it is. You “win” when you don’t play their game.

[@rowansahare8977]

So glad to be hitting 41 years of age and not giving a single crap anymore 😂🎉

[@_paulacr]

As a software engineer I will NEVER forget the "pop up concept" and the "firewall" thank you so much for sharing these concepts in I.T. language Dr. Ramani ❤❤❤

[@kee8365]

relatable 💓

[@yukio_saito]

They are exactly psychological hackers. Build secure firewall to protect yourself 🙂

[@ReviewsChannel-e4r]

Metaphoric vernacular became my saving grace years ago for communicating. Dr Ramani captured that nicely.

[@naspa2790]

I didn’t know this soft spoken, handsome, educated, caring man was a narcissist, aka user of people. During the first year together he asked too many personal questions. He was interested in my life and felt I needed to share and shouldn’t have secrets. (Except for him). I was being interrogated and felt uncomfortable. Again, he loved me so much and was going to spend his life with me (draining me in every way). I didn’t realize then that he was the worst computer virus I would ever encounter. A live virus that took information and twisted it for future manipulation. A lethal virus so hard to delete. So loving, manipulative, such an emotionally disturbed life sucker. The mind games. The lies. The confusion. The ruthless using of another human in the disguise of love and caring. Who does that? For my health I’ve gone no contact for almost a year now and I’m healing. Dr Ramani’s videos have been a lifeline and I’m so very grateful. I’m hoping one day he won’t even enter my thoughts. He doesn’t even deserve that. I wish I knew about people like him and the warning signs early on. But oh the love bombing really has you shrouded in a love cloud. Thank you Dr Ramani.

[@MamabearAsh4248]

I know people in tech, and I'm like, how am I having these issues?

[@noemisolano4748]

I believe and this is my opinion, it's hardest for a narcissistic victim who doesn't have family or friends for support and absolutely nowhere to go for help or support. Additionally at my job I have a coworker who is a narcissist. This is my second time dealing with a narcissist at work. This is what I am currently going through. My husband is a narcissist and thankfully I work so I am able to save money to get a place so I can move on. My husband is EXTREMELY negative and this all has affected my life. My two friends stopped calling and texting me. I found out my husband talked bad about me to other people behind my back. I'm at a point in my life where I want to get my own place, live alone and work remotely. I'm done with narcissists. 👋

[@ac-hk4fs]

You are not alone, even though it can feel like that at times. It's wonderful that you are still working- keep putting your money away and stay on the down low until you can get out (emotionally and financially). It's not healthy for you to be in that toxic environment. I was a stay at home mom for 22 yrs, didn't work/have a career, and catered to/supported a narc husband who kept moving up the corporate ladder, and is now a CEO. Makes tons of money and while I was at home raising kids, depressed, etc., he was making new friends, having affairs, and creating a new life for himself that didn't include me. Never told me he was thinking or feeling this way. Kept up his fake, 'devoted husband and father' act for many years. When I finally woke up to his nonsense and called him out (cheating, lying, etc), he discarded me and asked for a divorce. After 30+ yrs together. Although I don't regret being home and raising my kids, I do wish I had stayed employed (even part-time) throughout that time and established my own bank account, kept my independence, etc. I lost myself and many years of my life bc I was under the spell of someone I loved unconditionally and with all of my heart, and who I thought felt the same. He didn't. I will never allow myself to be fooled like that again; please don't put up with it in your life, either. You are worth way more than that. Start living your best life. Peace.

[@beckymellon8135]

I completely understand and unfortunately I will probably die in this toxic marriage due to chronic illness and overall mental health issues. I believe if I had been working or we had money I definitely would’ve left as soon as my kids grew up unfortunately I allowed to let my situation cripple my life. 🤞✌️❤️Goodluck 🌹

[@marinar54]

Hugs. My reality is similar, I am stuck in his country, no family or friends. Here even the police and the local court protects the abuser even in physical violence cases, just because he is a national citizen and the victim is a foreigner. I have been trying to leave him and filling police forms with my face in blood for 5 years. I will probably die under his control and by his violence and they all will call it "an accident". No, running back to my country is not an option, as I would have to abandon our 4 years old child, and I am definitely not leaving him alone with his sick narcissistic father. Hugs to all you still stuck with a narcissist.

[@jindih]

I don’t have friends or family nearby so I am stuck. I just disengage. I only talk to him when I need to. Depending what I say, I get a lot of verbal abuse, like I did last night. He said I don’t know anything and I talk rubbish etc. sone days I wish he would go, more because I am stuck. Gray rock it is for me.

[@MamabearAsh4248]

It does affect it, majorly.

[@turningpunkt]

No contact and never taking their smear campaigns personal seems to be an effective measure to shut down the narcissist from further abusing the victim.

[@Bufekana]

Yes, this! Its true!

[@lizh1988]

It seems like eventually their mud becomes obvious to Ed everyone they lied to.

[@2blackcatz426]

Nothing stops them they are psychic boomerangs

[@StefaniaCzech]

"Get out of the mud with them!" YES! 100% Know your worth, stay grouded in that! Grow your roots deeper, and cut off the dead or diseased branch that relationship was for you, thank youself for the lesson and deeper roots. I AM rooting you ME and YOU!

[@pauladouglass6910]

Mine loved it when I would fight back. Kind of turned him on. When I stopped arguing back, he wasn't attracted anymore. He still can't understand why I refused what he was offering. Thank you for this therapy. It helps me in every way. ❤

[@OnlyOneName]

It's so strange to see a specific joy in their eyes once you get emotional and react to their provocation, isn't it? I still can't comprehend it.

[@sunbeam9222]

​@@OnlyOneNameI'm no specialist but I would guess that if someone is at war within, they will look for this to be reflected back on the outside. They'll be attracted to it. Someone peaceful and stable would make them feel unattracted at best, nauseous at worst, they want to meet combative, chaotic, crazy. They don't want to meet joy, peaceful, rational because it's so far away from their subconscious comfort zone, it's just not energetically attractive.

[@ReviewsChannel-e4r]

The high is in provoking a reaction. It's the pay off for them being manipulative. Supply is their drug of choice.

[@VW-uq5jn]

Wow, so very true! My ex husband was the same way! It's very evil. I don't get how anyone like that could ever be genuinely happy. So sad

[@ac-hk4fs]

​​@@VW-uq5jnMine too. He would get a little smirk, puff his chest out, and his eyes would become completely dark. He would stare at me, emotionless (while I was sobbing and in obvious pain), and calmly tell me I was crazy and needed professional help. I put up with over 30 years of this crap, because I thought it was normal and didn't want to break up my family. I was wrong and should have stopped it much sooner. It was amazing to watch- never saw anything like it. To this day I can't comprehend how a supposed human being could treat another person this way. I really believe that the wiring in our brains that regulate compassion, empathy, and morality, is either severely broken or missing completely in these folks; they are like AI. Sad and scary.

[@juhasalmi6319]

Always remember those who were letting you down, who turned their backs on you at this time. But most importantly, remember those who supported you in a difficult situation. Always help those who need it, deserve it and appreciate it.

[@kryssysmith1486]

I literally grey rock, one of my narcissists for only a MONTH. The amount of rage I got just for not contacting them very minimally was insane after the month went by and I contacted them, they turn around and said to me "What do you NEED from ME?" That's when my intuition started to get on point and the red flags for me were raised. Now that they're no longer around me I DON'T have to gray rock ANYONE, I'm more myself now than I've ever been in my entire life.

[@ReviewsChannel-e4r]

It's contradicting to say you gray rocked them for a month then you contacted them and was blasted by them.

[@kryssysmith1486]

@@ReviewsChannel-e4r I just figured that by giving them some space they would have cooled down.

[@dorus4737]

Having to deal with my narcissistic brother, after my narcissistic mother died is a real challenge. Just realised I have been 'gray rocking' the whole last week. Organising the funeral, talking bad behind my back to the enabler friends of my mother. I deserve a medal. ✨🏆🥇 But it does heart. Thank you so much 🙏I needed this video.

[@LauraTheNightOwl]

Went no-contact with my mother and my anxiety plummeted. Recently went no-contact with someone that I've known since childhood and it feels great. The only downside is that I can't afford to move and they know where I live, so I've dealt with inappropriate attempts to make contact, which I continue to ignore.

[@vitormonteiro7313]

I can relate to your situation. A neighbour who pretended to be my "friend", occasionally goes to a coffee shop where I go as well. Everytime he happens to be there, if he's alone I act like if he's invisible. If there are other people that I know with him, I say hello to everyone and move on. To be honest I don't even care whether the guy is a narcissist or not, despite the fact that he seems to have some traits associated. The guy never dared to approach me, since I cut him off. A true friend doesn't talk behind your back about personal affairs to other people, so he can keep talking, because I don't give a f**k.

[@snowqueen24]

Good for you.

[@wickiwo1098]

Excellent job! Keep up the good work! 💪

[@vv9452]

Recommendation: work multiple jobs until you can afford to move

[@petmom74]

YES! My best day with a past narcissist was when he grew bored with me. Hallelujah! I was finally set free from his control over me and I was able to leave the situation! I didn't know I was "gray rocking." I love this term and didn't even know it was a thing, but I'd done it in the past. It works, folks! Make the narcissist bored with you and they will set you free to escape their wrath! ❤

[@kp153]

I think I have PTSD from this experience with him. I was so used to the high of checking him even on social media that when I finally went to no contact on social media those first weeks I had moments of anxiety or panic. I think it was my body getting used to the fact that I was no longer in fight or flight and didn’t know what to do with those new calm emotions yet.

[@ReviewsChannel-e4r]

Also known as fear of a narcissist retaliating. They do that even when there are no grounds. Become invisible.

[@user-akroban]

I was in a relationship with a narc. It took me about 2 months to realize what he was all about. The bad thing was I had relocated from another state to be with him in 2011. I saved enough money to move to Wa to be near my daughter's family in 2013. Once I moved into my new apt I started having strange symptoms. I knew it was finally over and that I was safe, but I fell apart emotionally. I knew it was probably PTSD, but I didn't seek help. Eventually I over came the symptoms. But, it was a huge struggle. I wish you the best in your healing ❤️

[@Sqwivig]

I've been no contact with my mom for years now. The only thing I have responded to were the occasional "Happy Birthday" or "Merry Christmas" texts. I guess it's not truly No Contact but I feel like it's close enough. She leaves me alone 99.9% of the time and I'm super happy with that. Responding to the occasional happy holiday message is the least I can do to let her know I'm living a happy life. My other family members have also given up on making me take her back or give her another chance. They finally understand that I'm being dead serious about keeping her as far away as possible.

[@kimberlyfowler5748]

Doing the only holiday thing with your mom is best, otherwise people come up to you acting like your terrible for neglecting your mom, she will play it, this way you don’t have that problem

[@wickiwo1098]

Your personal spin on "no contact" sounds very successful! Great Job in finding a workable solution!

[@C.C-os1cz]

I have a history of dealing with narcissistic people. My mom might be one. :( The common feeling is not feeling safe and wanting to build my walls up. Before I mistook that feeling for anxiety and fear. Now that I’m older I can differentiate between anxiety or my body telling me I’m not safe. I noticed that a healthy person does earn your trust over time. I work with some people that I feel safe around and have consistently been kind. I feel myself just relaxing around them. I tend to help them whenever they need help. The fear of being in another narcissistic relationship is so overwhelming that I tend to hold back and let people reveal themselves to me. But I always try to be nice.

[@charminbyers]

I love the way you explain that there's a difference between anxiety and feeling scared. I am working through my own stuff and will try using this kind of awareness on myself. I've spent many years not knowing my feelings at all. Thank you for sharing 💕

[@vitormonteiro7313]

I like the way you deal with people. I used to think that a balanced approach was appropriate, but sometimes it's just not possible. You seem to be better safe than sorry, and if that's the case, kudos to you.

[@bereal6590]

That's insightful, that's how I feel around my mother, like an anxious incapable jellyfish. When she isn't there I feel safer and more relaxed and just get on with things. Pretty sure it's not normal for a mother to provoke anxiety and insecurity. Same with my father but he is easier to ignore. My mother in contrast is nosey! Grey rock didn't work because she is so closed and unreadable she spotted the technique. Yellow rock and firewall is my combo. No contact would be my preference but they live just a street away. Had I woke up decades ago I'd have been long gone. She wants me as supply, not for who I am, such a tough realisation.

[@sewgeekdesigns9113]

My sister is finally seeing what I’ve been saying about our parents. As I said healing means looking at everything and realizing it wasn’t supposed to be that way as a child. 😢

[@dnk4559]

I’m so happy for you that your sister sees it. One of mine was the golden child and the other the flying monkey. Now they are carrying on the behaviors our parents modeled for us and scapegoating me in adulthood. It’s really such a sad situation. I kept hoping someday they would go to therapy but instead they have each other to support the belief that everything was normal. I continue to work in therapy to have a beautiful life always hopeful they might join me someday.

[@sujammaz]

​@@dnk4559 i'm so sorry about that! i truly believe that my golden child baby brother coming around to see my side saved my life. it's incredibly validating and healing to give back too: help him realise that his role was no less an emergency response than mine and they actually harmed him just as much as me ❤

[@cindyrhodes]

OMG LITERALLY, I got a ping on my phone, and it was a narcissist that I thought I had avoided for 2 months, and BAM there she is saying, "love you and miss your voice." My first reaction was the realization of what Dr. Ramani had said: the narc is missing my SUPPLY, AND NOT ME! I say this because when the woman and I talked, it was ALWAYS about her: in 4 years, she has no idea who I am or what I even do. It's all about my being her emotional slave. So.... I just dumped the message, and I shall go on with my life. Maybe she will leave me alone for 4 months this time. oh, And BAM as soon as I dumped her message, there was the notification for this video!! BWA HA HA HA HA I love it! Thank you, Dr. RAMANI!

[@kathrynbaker7529]

I can so relate. Ugh...

[@cindyrhodes]

@@kathrynbaker7529 (((((kathryn!!!!)))))

[@td6259]

Relatable 🎯

[@spikybuttrue8569]

Emotional slave is exactly right. Hard labour from sunup to sundown with nothing on return

[@traceymabee3314]

I'm a victim of child abuse sexual abuse and when I try to explain to people how I still have empathy you explained it so perfectly in this video thank you so much I try to explain to people you can take my body but you can't take my heart you cant take my soul thank you so much

[@nicholecornes1915]

Your beautiful

[@lisawolfe9560]

I am living with my narcissistic husband while going through a divorce. He refuses to leave . These videos have kept me sane and I am grateful.

[@Fanlady4236]

If he ever goes out for a few hours, call a locksmith to re-key your locks and change garage code. Quite cheap compared to changing locks. Pack his stuff in bags or boxes and leave outside with note saying the both of you cannot live together. He will be at his worst if you stay together. Watch your back, he may hurt you or worse as they see us as enemies that know who they really are and they cant have that.

[@c_addante]

Sometimes you find yourself in the worst case scenario where you have no choice but to move back in with the narcissist. I had been no contact for 10 years, living my best life, and healing. Due to the predicament of Covid, I had to move back in with a narcissistic parent which has been really hard. I don't regret the decision in the sense that I REALLY had no choice. My landlord decided to sell her home that I was living in and she didn't give me enough time to find other accommodations. After multiple failed attempts to find another place to live in the limited time frame I had, it became a panic situation and I had to cave and make the call. It's been tough to say the least but I do now have the tools to better cope. It's true that I absolutely don't care what happens to said parent as Dr. Ramani mentioned. I am only here until I'm able to get back on my feet again. It's been a rough 2 years trying to find work again and finding a new place. I had an episode today which has brought me to this video. Just need to connect with people who can understand with what I am going through.

[@jshelley4592]

I understand, I'm having to live with a narc family member until i can save enough money to move out. I will be going grey rock from here forward. They don't change.

[@Melissaw916]

I always felt my father has narcissistic traits and was for years criticizing, playing the victim, would disown me when I said no and constantly complained about my life is different then his. 2018 he disowned me so I changed my number and I haven't contacted him since 2018. I've got no contact. I have felt happier without him.

[@vitormonteiro7313]

Ultimately, family is people who really care about you. Not necessarily connected by blood ties.

[@Melissaw916]

@@vitormonteiro7313 True, but in my situation I can't have 1 parent who's negative and the other who's positive. It puts stress on my mental health so him disowning me is on him.

[@realhealing7802]

Same here. Narcissistic people bring drama and stress into relationships. No contact was my only option.

[@idrawpeopleandanimals]

I went no contact recently after slowly gray rocking. The last half-hearted hoover I got was a message that said: IDK what happened. (He never accepted blame... noticed that immediately after learning from you, Dr. R.) That's ALL I needed to nail that final hole in the coffin. He messaged me complaining about all his problems. Didn't care about me or that we hadn't spoken for 2 months. Poor me me me me. It's like I'm seeing all these signs like a scientist now! The light FINALLY came on. I blocked EVERYTHING. And it feels great! Hard? Of course. I was raised by a horrible narcissistic father. But I'm still here. And I'm strong. And I'm free. Thank you all for your support and all the best to all the other survivors! ❤❤❤

[@user-akroban]

I'm walking through unimaginable pain right now. My younger sister is a Narc. I finally figured it out 4 years ago. In the past I confided in her about my daughter and grandsons as we all did with our kids over the years. She raged at me too many times, gas lit and stole my belongings! Since I've gone no contact I kept waiting for her to turn my 46 year old daughter against me. I never in my life dreamed this would happen to me at my age. I'm 68 and not in good health. I've tried to reach out to my daughter several times, but she is so ambivalent towards me that I have decided to give her space as I have no choice now. God help me, I just want to die! My sister finally destroyed me. That said, I will never speak to her or share how broken I feel, to her or her flying monkeys... And, yes they've made it very obvious who they are.

[@kathrynbaker7529]

I'm sorry for your struggles.

[@Zeepjeliefs]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Maybe sent your daughter an apology letter saying how much she means to you and you really miss her but you want to give her the time she needs? When something like this happened to me, it was important to me to hear the other person say they just made a mistake and that I'm important to them. I really hope she turns arround 😘

[@T00124]

@@ZeepjeliefsAgreed.

[@11GodsGirl11]

I'm so sorry. The same has happened to me with my adult daughter. I haven't talked to her for months. It's an unimaginable grief. 😢

[@tundrawomansays694]

@@11GodsGirl11So was your daughter’s who suffered for decades as a result of your pattern of behavior.

[@Jeet-2023]

I met a narcissist once. I realise that they thrive on conflicts, leveraging your goodness and basic human tendency to avoid conflicts. I gave it back to them. I gave them the conflict they were looking for and some more. Once you fight back, as hard and as ugly as they expect, you would realise that they are cowards deep down. They will fight you only when they know they would win and they are safe. The moment they realise that they have someone who can probably defeat them, they run like a coward. Try that.

[@elizabethchristensen3212]

Never. Just run. Never engage. If you think you’ve won, the war’s not over. The war is never over. In fact if you think you’ve won, I guarantee there will be more grief coming your way.

[@Jeet-2023]

@@elizabethchristensen3212 - I think you are right that war is not over. Its never over for them. But running away and not engaging is not always an option, and that compulsion precisely destroys so many lives. We need to learn to be anti-fragile. Be nice to only those who are nice to others. To not fight back an unjust and negative energy, in my humble opinion, is actually cowardice. One may run away, but narcissists will go on to destroy other lives. I have met and dealt with quite a few narcissists and I never really had a choice to not engage. One of them was my father, another was my first manager at the workplace....so on. What I learned from my experience dealing with them is that cruelty, lack of empathy comes from a place, where cowardice also originates. All true strength comes from a loving place. They are all cowards. Show the mirror to them and they would run away from you scared.

[@rachaelroessler9978]

Dr. Ramani, you may have saved my life - at least for today. My narc has put me through a living hell today and I think I’m done. I’m just at the point where I’m so tired of all the pain. I don’t care anymore, I can’t live in constant pain 😢 I just want out.

[@bugsea54]

Once i realized the enormous ramifications of having narcissists in my family and i was being triangulated i had severe anger issues. Years of mental abuse from my family caused me to create more abusive relationships. I really had no sanity for 40 years. The only way my anger subsided was disconnecting from all of them and developing new healthy relationships. Its so hard i still have triggers. I think the more time go by and i feel safe with my new support system it will go away

[@annettehawkins8713]

Wish you could hear my story. The narcissist was deplorable!!!! All of the mind games he played, the hot and cold behavior, the psychological abuse and the verbal abuse with all the disrespect was horrible!!!

[@clintonnagy1662]

I tried to help her. Offered my time, and skills to help her clean/fix her house. She would decline saying I'd use my help as leverage to punish her later in an argument. She would accuse me of sleeping around, lying, & with holding secrets. I never knew when the next attack was coming? It could be hours, or days? She would attack my hobbies and hated me spending time to myself. She would remind me of the bad behaviors from past fights saying I created each one, or ruined her time, work events, or sleep. She would always set the bar higher then the last moment for sex, projects, or events. I started to see it was a one sided relationship and pulled back my attention, and that's when I noticed her start to lose interest. The fights were less, and her focus became more on herself. Eventually becoming non existent. The push pull effect created psychological damage to my thought process. I'm trying to get myself back to how I was. I gained weight, and spent all my time focusing on her. She used to call and a text alot and that kept me busy enough but now it feels empty. My only guess is she probably found a new supply since I haven't heard from her in 2 weeks. It's sad in that time she never sent me a birthday message on the 3rd. With all that said, she said I play the victim for attention and she never takes accountability for her bad behavior and it was me sabatoging it. I know that's NOT the truth but it hurts how she believes he own lies and put my best effort into making it work.

[@Thetagamma1914]

I’m a former IT guy and the firewall analogy was a great example. A grey stone would be just a part of the firewalling. A firewall would include a collection of tools to protect your mental health.

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

This is 💯 the narcissistic sister in law in my family. I keep boundaries and stay neutral as per my therapists advise that she is not safe for me. Yet she still freaked on me for not talking to her much and verbally attacked me at a family dinner. I had no choice but to defend myself as she cornered me hurling insults in front of my family despite me telling her to stop but she wouldn’t stop. It was traumatizing. I am expected by my family to forgive and forget like nothing happened despite her taking no responsibility. It’s heartbreaking as I wish my family for once would choose me and my safety. I am prioritizing my well being by not going to the family dinner where she will be until later for desert. My family is upset but they need to know it was not ok what she did and I matter too. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤

[@notagain779]

@costelloandlizzievolk2233, I can sympathize, as I have a similar out of control sister in law. Yes! You DO matter also! Maybe your family thinks like mine did: Our family was conditioned to accept any and all behavior from other people for the sake of "getting along". No matter how bad their behavior! I was the only one who wouldn't allow it. Consequently I was told I'm "hard on people". (!) (It's too much to go into here, but you wouldn't believe all of the mental torture my sister in law really enjoys putting people through for the purpose of dominating everyone around her. She really does love to see people squirm. Even her husband, my brother. He knows, but accepts it. I can't wait for her to die! She is almost 80, and has some inherited health problems, thankfully! 😂I'll be dancing on her grave!

[@cb9825]

Sounds like they desperstely want you to be there so THEY are not her new targets. Skip the dinner❤

[@rayarena879]

Your family are a bunch of enablers. That’s not good.

[@MD.orion1]

Sometimes a good retaliation will at least give her reason to stop talking to you forever. These people are getting off on making others scared of them.

[@American_Grrl]

You did the right thing

[@debrabrown9120]

There is this feeling inside of you that when you are getting ready to make a decision that is totally wrong for your personality, it will make you freeze inside, you will feel paralyzed, everything feels in slow motion. What you feel is your inner source it is warning you, and you know this, but your emotions take over. Just stop and feel what is happening take time let everything calm.🌹

[@I_am_UpsideDown]

Couldn't have come across this channel at a better time... thank you for helping me validate my situation and re-establish my faith in myself... it has been a rough ride... I kicked the emotional terrorist to the curb and printed a T-shirt... Gray Rockin' ... still struggling but it's working. Thank you so much.

[@ReviewsChannel-e4r]

What if that T shirt is interpreted as geriatric rock and roller? Either way, both are just fine. lol Keeping it gray.

[@I_am_UpsideDown]

@@ReviewsChannel-e4r LOL Cool!!! ... as an artist, personal interpretation works for me!Gray scale 😄

[@dougcoleman8972]

Fukn love it

[@I_am_UpsideDown]

@@dougcoleman8972 😄ty Doug

[@angeliquehobbs1414]

Great video! Especially the ending “I have all this beautiful stuff in me and I’m only going to share with the people who get it.”

[@erinward2983]

Narcissists disguise their abuse. It is not messy. It is calculated. It is so meticulous in its ways that we often don't see it, even when it's right in our faces. It happened to me. I served a man who I knew as, "dad," for decades. If only I knew I was living with a dangerous stranger, I ask myself, "what would my life have been like?" Would I have given myself the permission to go on my way to pursue and follow my dreams, driving my own destiny? Instead, I took care of a stranger, someone who was willing to take my life in the end. My own parent twisted a plot, deciding that I was worth more to him dead than alive.

[@erinward2983]

@penijoni1316 I relate to not being believed too. I began secretly recording his rants because I felt like he was planning something more extreme and I’d need to prove myself. This is all sad. And so they realize they can’t use away that which they claim to want above all else? Do they subconsciously do it? Is it the “I’ll hurt you first” mentality? We drive ourselves insane trying to understand. I hope for the best for you. It’s hard when they isolate is from our support. Stay teachable and integrative. These videos are a phenomenal resource.

[@mariehughey5390]

I’ve been feeling all the mixed emotions of no contact, so this video was perfect. Thank you.

[@VintageQuirky-ql4hc]

I get what you mean by soul distancing. I used a varient I call Squirrel! I kept everything that could be used against me away from my parents and let them attack me about my weight. I got very attractively thin for a while and my whole life was up for attack, but put on a few pounds and it was like a squirrel to a dog. As long as they could have that one thing I could keep the rest to myself.

[@owlbestitching8839]

That is definitely useful. I used to advise my mom many times to do this very thing at my father. But she just didn’t understand it. He would keep on her until she gave in. Now, my mom has passed and my dad has turned his toxicity towards me. No more.

[@the-engneer]

Its taken me decades of seeing my mother abused by my father and sister, and then their abuse being aimed towards me for taking up for her to finally realize I could just cut them out of my life completely. I'm still having a hard time getting their illogical and hateful nonsense out of my head, and learning to love myself, but I think it will get better once they've been out of my life long enough

[@meganlongmeyer2537]

I've heard the term gray rock many times while watching this channel, but I had a thought. While listening to this, I thought of a geode - something that seems uninteresting on the outside, but inside is beautiful, unique, and growing into something extraordinary. We need to protect our rich inner selves and not "crack ourselves open" for the narcissist to observe and destroy. I just like the imagery of knowing our worth and beauty on the inside but not allowing a narcissist to see or destroy it. Protect your inner self, guard it with care ❤ lots of love, thank you for your amazing work!!

[@woodworks371]

This spoke to me… It was only when my wife died suddenly at aged 49 (in January 2011) that my mother really started to show her true emotional colours - she’s an emotional vampire who fed on my grief. I have had no contact for 3years now. The negative self-talk is still there, but it’s getting less.

[@tundrawomansays694]

….and it will just become less and less and less….until the monster is so far in your rear view mirror you no longer “see” them. They don’t matter. Their opinions don’t matter. Their demands don’t matter. Their self-created “problems” don’t matter. Their evaluation of you is meaningless. Welcome home to you!

[@IanM-id8or]

My sister didn't threaten to tell people lies about me. She just told lies about me. But she was already telling lies about me, so it didn't change anything. What she did when I went full no-contact is that she stalked me. For 15 years. Until I got a friend to write "RTS DECEASED" on her last letter The supply she got from me was fear. She loved to make me terrified. She couldn't handle my escape. Note - my sister's approach was to be physically violent, and then to blame me for the violence. And that was the nature of her lies to others.

[@ReviewsChannel-e4r]

Mine instilled fear verbally with limited (but still horrible) physical violence, psychological torture and stalking.

[@laurengarner9622]

I've had several narcissists in my life - sister, ex-husband... I am no longer in contact with the aforementioned and the decisions to have no contact with them were two of the best decisions I've made in my life. I realized there may be collateral damage (neices, nephews, as well as other family members and friends of the family)and there was, but by putting my well being first, I gained an inner peace, which no-one can take from me.

[@amyschmidt1113]

"Why do we slip up and drop our "no contact?" Euphoric recall!" YOU ARE SO RIGHT DR RAMANI!!!! That's exactly what happened to me!!!!

[@maevebutler4641]

Struggling with an elderly parent to go grey rock The last conversation was so demeaning, slandering my brother, who has recently passed I defended, and I engaged & explained how very hurt I felt with their words they just doubled down, hitting me with appalling words I had to terminate the call My gut issues got more painful in the next few days, and if I can't firewall, I will have no other option but to go no contact, my physical & mental health & my soul needs protection I only wish I could practise going grey rock just not for now as "you just can't win" with these toxic entanglements Great video, DrRamini. Thank you

[@OnlyOneName]

You don't have to be a believer, but you may find what you need in words of Psalm 91.

[@tundrawomansays694]

Believe it or not, they truly can take care of themselves. Don’t kid yourself, they are fully capable of taking care of their needs or accessing Adult Services in the US if you live here. If your presence isn’t helping-you OR them-your absence won’t hurt. Here’s “permission” to walk away from an old widow broad if ya need it. Unlike wine, they do not get better with age.

[@KellenAdair]

Anger is a stage of grief. As a widow becoming disabled by my narcofascist bros., neither of my 2 main services are sufficient, for my needs.

[@loriarmstrong4451]

What's beautiful is when you don't see the narc for a week or so and then you do and you start to see them clearly in real time.

[@WildflowersCreations]

38:30 With no contact I know you say you can judge on how it is working after a month and I do agree with this, but for me and others I think you really understand and start seeing things clearly after a year or more. I was the black sheep / scapegoat to narcissistic parents and finally had a complete breakdown when they went too far Christmas 2018. It wasn't until then that the spell was broken, I went no contact a year later, and my psychological and physical health has improved greatly. Chronic health issues I have had my whole life aren't part of my daily life any more. I am in my 40s.

[@tundrawomansays694]

Good for YOU! Congratulations! This is absolutely tough to do-initially. It’s so sad to see adults in their 50’s, 60’s, 70s+ still struggling with these despicable “parents.” They never age gracefully-meaning they get even worse the older they get. They just don’t seem to understand “waiting for them to die” isn’t a “strategy,” it’s side stepping the Reality you have the Right and the Responsibility to protect yourself and your loved ones from known Predators. You only get to dance through this garden ONE TIME. And they absolutely *are* Predators of the most egregious variety: They cannibalize their own. Disgusting. Best wishes as you continue your journey, friend!

[@WildflowersCreations]

@@tundrawomansays694 Thanks

[@kimberlyfowler5748]

Thank you for sharing this

[@gracegwozdz8185]

Congratulations on waking up and standing up for yourself. You deserve respect, civility and peace.

[@CelestialHunter1270]

The concept of Firewalling is great. I have dealt with so many people who are either narcissists or have high narcissistic traits - work, fake friends and family. I will never give anyone the benefit of the doubt again.

[@Jem-if6io]

I don’t care feels so good! Thank you Dr Ramani for giving me the confidence to walk away 42 years later!

[@hadythebaddie]

I love you so much Dr. Ramani!! you have helped me grow and change so much for myself and for the people in my life. Thank you sincerely for all that you do!! For me personally you have validated and helped me dismantle the confusion and so many of my inner feelings. It's strange to think that you don't know us and yet you've really change so many lives! I hope you keep doing what you do because you do it so damn well. In a world where many people have no access to doctors, experts, and, mental health professionals like yourself, you are doing amazing work for the people.

[@davidabraham1300]

Yes she is the best ❤ God bless her and everyone suffering in Jesus name Amen ❤

[@Ann-eb8dp]

I felt for a long time my narcissistic ex was planning to kill us He would make it look like an accident I knew l had to leave to save the children and myself before something truly awful happened to us He was a very dangerous man

[@trishyoung1021]

Protecting yourself is one thing. I had to learn the hard way. My own wounds and issues led to me finding a person who filled the void of my issues. It's been so hard trying to figure out how to escape him when he was intentionally my escape from my demons in the first place. The brain can really lie to us. And when you have someone who gaslights you into believing that everything that went wrong was because of your own actions, you sort of become trapped in the web of these lies and deceit. I've only been through this for three years, but my relationships have never been grounded. I think a lot of it had to do with me and who I was attracting into my world. Life is a process, and we can either learn and grow from it, or stay stuck in that web. Courage and strength are the key components. Even when you feel the urge or desire to go back to what was "comfortable" always remind yourself of why you are doing this in the first place. Love isn't enough.

[@HanaPazdirkova]

❤

[@annak29]

That's not love, you just described codependency and trauma-bond. DBT is a deep process, I wish it was more accessible.

[@rownakmushtari5632]

Divorced from a narcissist husband.Go for no contact.He sent horrible email to my office about nasty words against me.Fortunately I have good reputation there and got support from office.share a minor kid.working as a single parent at the same time fight for child custody and trying hard to safeguard my child from his disgusting father.he cheated on me, already married but still disturbing us.unfortunately living in a same local area.I am so grateful to you Dr. Ramani.you are the first person in my life who opened my eyes on narcissistic personality.otherwise I would be thinking like the same that maybe I am the peoblem!

[@user339]

Interesting--I started soul distancing with my abusive, narcissistic father when I was a young child. I thought this out carefully by deciding I would not let him in to the place where I live, that I would try to not let him hurt that anymore. I was never comfortable around him, but always just stayed superficial and very gray rock and avoided being alone with him when possible.

[@rociomartinez8666]

Smart and prudent

[@mabelpayne8933]

My story sounds similar. When he died I felt nothing. Not happiness that he died but not saddened either. I just didn’t care about him one way or the other. I’m getting there with the current narcissist in my life but it is hard because I live with the flying monkey who keeps stirring the pot. Have totally lost any respect for this flying monkey. Have to be careful of any comment I say around them. Just wish he would go on and put his head up the narcissist a__ so far that he would never see sunshine again. She sadly really manipulates him so badly and all he can say is “yes honey”. It is really a sad mentally sickness situation.

[@ckvarnmass]

I kind of figured this out for myself over 30 years ago - the gray rock maneuver. I know that I would feel great delight when I saw his frustration because I wasn’t buying into his manipulation. It certainly felt like I had scored! Even though you hurt deeply from all the harm, they do to you, you need to hold your head high and know who you are, and what you are, and be proud of that.

[@CopperMoon4747]

Often have to apply the same techniques to the narc's groupies, enablers, and flying monkeys. Thanks Dr Ramani!💯🌟 As I heal and recover myself my sense of humor about this gets stronger. I keep it to myself though!🙂

[@sandrabentley8111]

I think at some point, with knowledge and experience and repeated patterns, you just get over it. You do eventually recognize their repeated droll sarcasm or hateful comments, you just transition to the understanding that they will never change and somehow come to terms with it. A kind of radical acceptance. If you remind yourself over and over that you are not going to abandon yourself, the day comes when all their blah blah becomes nothingness. And your own self care and nurishment becomes more important. Perhaps the narcissist sees this shift, I'm not sure yet, but either way, you have become the better person. We grow new neurons in our brain and finally believe we are worthy. This changes everything. We then have more choices as to what to do next. Dr. Romani is right, you get to a point when you just don't care about the narcissist at all.

[@rostamr4096]

I did not know about the gray rock concept, I just realized I have started to practice that..and it works. It removes so much psychological pressure from me. Minimizing contact is the best. The clarity of mind and peacefulness are amazing...

[@cainzirlott9291]

this one is very real for my situation. hacking, putting cameras in my bedroom, mirroring my phone. my mind is blown away by this. I wanna throw in Dr.Ramani, you help me stay alive. I am extremely thankful for you

[@coffeegirl6854]

"Soul Distancing". Yes. Maybe i can figure that out to a degree. But it will start really really slow. There has to be absolutely No Contact with a few individuals. I have felt completely benefited by having gone nc with a few particular individuals. It had to be that way. I struggled with guilt for some time about that. But it really saved my life. But the family members that were lied to are still in with that. So i had to let that all go. But that had to be done. It has been very hard. Thank you for all of your kindness. It has been so helpful and encouraging to keep going.❤

[@bugsea54]

Too many in my family caused me to have many as friends and partners. I finally disconnected from all of them as that is the only way i felt safe and can get better. What a nightmare. Nobody has 25 years of bad luck, just abusive people in my life. Once i have identified someone as needy selfish and entitled , i have zero contact with them unless they are a coworker and i have to enteract with them. I realize my situation is odd and even my therapists worries about my complete disconnect of family members and friends, but honestly its the first time in many years where i feel hope and peaceful. I noticed they have huge egos to feed and sabotaging my dreams fed their egos.

[@gregpendrey6711]

Be assured you are doing the right thing! If you go back to them on your doctor's or anyone else's urging you will be gravely ill treated by your abusers. The ones you distanced from will double down to hurt you for what you did to their egos. Going back will give them the sadistic pleasure they derive from destroying you and then they will cruelly discard you. So please don't go back. You can never go back😢❤😎G😢

[@bugsea54]

@@gregpendrey6711 I won't, I'm doing so well.

[@peu1285]

#5 STAY AWAY from enablers - learned this a little late but crucial nonetheless

[@karmabosman7206]

It's so strange that people can be so textbook, and do exactly as you have described. It's very true that you shouldn't get in the mud with a pig, because they like it. I always knew, while ruminating about what I would like to say to my MIL, that I'd just be talking to a wall. I knew she would get defensive, even if I tried to be genuinely concerned about having a better relationship with her. Because she has always only ever demonstrated immature behavior, she had made it clear that there is no depth in her portfolio of emotions, there is only the endless competition with others. But sometimes you lose your cool anyway, and you tango with them verbally. You match their screaming with your own, you lose your voice stating all the injustices of years! And they keep making superficial complaints, they become totally hysterical about how you didn't want to eat the sandwich they made, even though that's not even what happened. They don't make sense, they just passionately feel that you are definitely the one that messed things up. And then yes, she tells everyone you are a whore. Hahahaha, there is some comedy in it, when you gloss over all the pain. These people are a waste of time. You are wasting your life if you think you can make them happy.

[@karmabosman7206]

Holy crap I just listened to the part about opening up to these people and living in a time where people open up to each other too fast. When I met my husband I was always curious why he was so extremely secretive. He didn't want to answer simple questions. I just got this, that he had basically learned to be suspicious of being interrogated, from his mother. That's insane.

[@karencox8699]

❤❤ Thank You! Beautiful information and even at 76 years I can benefit and protect myself! I am independent now from a multitude of Narcissistic relationships but in my latter years I can learn and apply! 😊

[@nancynewman6214]

As for this older person, I’m extraordinarily grateful that I’m finally capable of choosing what is best/healthiest for me when it comes to the people in my life. I now know, that I want to be with people who laugh WITH people, instead of AT people, who feel JOY when they see a child enjoying a loving moment with a parent, who accept responsibility for their own behavior instead of blaming others, etc., etc.

[@vacationeyes6430]

Setting boundaries is a powerful skill that will pay off forever.

[@makaylahollywood3677]

A slow quiet walking tip-toe away. Seven years of one step distancing. Politely not taking holiday invites...gray rocking, subtle no contact. Maybe they will not notice- forget me. Nobody questions..do they know?. Feel peace, splashes of anxiety. Struggle with guilt wishing it were different. Got a text..never a call. Heart races. Don't want to reply. Another invite, crap. Should i change my number? May regret it. Do better staying out of the family mix. Safer. Time may change things. Betrayal scars are like fences. Rumination. Why should I go back to people who threw me under the bus, feelings stuffed under the carpet, i've been living under the radar. "It's okay to walk away"...i tell myself, even if they know or find out. They walked from me....long ago.

[@realhealing7802]

I had to walk away. No one respected me in my toxic family system. Disrespect in any relationship is unacceptable.

[@townstunsltd6727]

15:43 "How to update your defences with a Firewall that protects against the impersonal Narc Virus!" That is one awesome metaphor Dr Ramani. Awesome! Thank you so much. Thank you team! All the very best...

[@debrabrown9120]

From my soul and heart and what I have left in me, the answer to stop yourself from feeling and listening to them, is iinside your core fight for yourself. ❤

[@mtnriffraff68]

Gray rocking works. Being neutral, responsive but not reacting has helped me immensely in dealing with them. I hadn’t heard of this technique until watching your videos, Dr. Ramani, and I thank you.

[@donnahill758]

Thank you. I know that my instincts were in the right direction but your videos have really helped me to reach a deeper level of understanding. It is very helpful. I feel stronger and am stronger. It has also helped in situations were I have found that some people who I known for years have apparently lost their moral compass. Please continue to share with us

[@maryannpadugar5381]

I love you Dr Ramani,for lighting us widely to love our self for being smart as well, to those people who's trying to destroy us. God bless you ❤

[@patriciagummo1800]

You know what… I have so much to say to you. I am so so so thankful for finding you. I went to my in-laws on the 5th and my eyes were opened. I can literally see so much about my marriage. Ever since I found you (like last month) things have changed. To much to write. I’m not trying to sound corny or over dramatic but you truly changed my life. I can’t remember the last time Ive said that. I’ve been with my husband since 2018. *EXCUSE ME 2008. 2018 was when my daughter was born* I can say I am woke. So much to write. I voiced my opinion and things are different now everyday. It’s truly unbelievable because I was so scared but now I feel strong. I appreciate you. I’m glad I found you. Thank you. I mean it. Thank you.

[@notagain779]

@patriciagummo, Yes, Dr. Ramani is actually SAVING people's lives, I think. Stay woke, and don't let yourself fall back asleep. I have to make a conscious effort to stay woke - toxic people will want to put you back asleep, and depending on how calculating they are, they sure can come up with all sorts of convoluted games and tactics to squeeze you by the short hairs to get compliance out of yourself to benefit them at your disadvantage! We have to be warriors, while still being moral and ethical about it.

[@lisbethsalander1723]

Thank you Dr. Ramani from the bottom of my heart. Needed to hear this.

[@miketothad]

Thank you, Dr. Ramani. It's simply a treasure for you to have put these strategies into such context. As if I didn't already have enough to thank you for. God bless you. ❤

[@mountain10]

Yes, thank you!!!🙏🏻🙏🏻☀️☀️

[@marlingronquillo5871]

DR. RAMANI, YOU ARE A LIFESAVER, I’m helping myself, but also I’m helping my son. THANK YOU 🙏🏻 ❤❤❤

[@franciscocardenas5758]

I'm so glad I watched this video because it's so insightful. I was always asking myself why I watch this genre of videos and realized that it is an inherent nature when you have the desire to heal from narcissistic abuse. Educating yourself in what is narcissism is your best defense from narcissistic abuse. Understanding narcissism and half the war is won. At 41 minutes into the video, is where I am and it feels great. At that point it doesn't matter if the narcissist is in the same social environment or not. Either way, I am enjoying my time with other people or friends. I am on the right path to healing. Thank you, Dr. Ramani. 🙂👍❤

[@sandraburgess9576]

When Narcissists become insecure and lost is what pulls me back in. Im strong in tacking putdowns when they look at themselves honestly they cry and become self-deprecating sucidal. I feel responsible for pushing too hard for 50/50 give and take receprocal respect & emotional support. Then suddenly I find myself buried in concice false horrid statements about me it takes years to dig out of. Its like how do i put these acuzations in lady like words. However, I got out and rose above it. Getting my degree helped and especially along with thousands of people i met through the years; people like you.❤

[@theyellowshoe]

I would go no contact with my narcissistic husband, but money issues. I've learned that if I treat him like an annoying roommate, things are better. I do "whatever" without saying anything.

[@amberinthemist7912]

I'm sorry. Narcs love to trap people with money. Stay strong. Never forget - its him not you

[@tonyjacob6560]

"""I started therapy so I can be a better person for YOU"" I'm laughing so hard I'm gonna have to start the video over. Your the greatest