DOES THIS TRANS TIKTOKER "DESERVE" TO BE MISGENDERED? | FTM REACTS

In this video I talk about Tiktok user Lillitino, and whether or not the hate she's receiving for being upset about getting misgendered is justified. What do you think about this situation?
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[@xxaeiver]

So this is my perspective as a trans guy. I've been misgendered countless times, and it sucks. I've had numerous people come into my work and refer to me as a lady or "ma'am" or similar variants, despite me presenting like a guy and doing everything I can to pass. It's a horrible feeling, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, however.. it's unfortunately just the way it is for a lot of us trans people. There are things about us that immediately "clock" us, especially when we're pre transition/just starting to transition. I know from my own experience that I pass 90% of the time, until I open my mouth and start speaking. I think it's similar for the woman in the video. She very obviously is fem presenting and looks like a girl, but her voice does sound like a guy's. That's not inherently a bad thing, but it makes sense why she's being misgendered. I think that it's reasonable why she's upset, but at the same time, you have to realize that most people who hear that kind of voice will immediately default to "man." It's the same reason why I get misgendered despite being on testosterone.. my voice doesn't sound like a guy's yet. It's really unfortunate and it sucks, but it is something that most people who are trans just kinda have to go through. I don't think recording these kinds of interactions and lamenting on them is helpful. Just simply correcting someone and then going about your day is fine. Recording every interaction you have being misgendered and then feeling the need to speak to the manager about it is just unnecessary, in my opinion. TL;DR: Misgendering sucks, but videoing every interaction you have with people where you're misgendered is really unnecessary

[@aktdoa]

i think a lot of people are jumping to conclusions from Lilli's video. she doesn't only film interactions where people misgender her and post it online for clout; she films videos of herself trying new restaurants and foods and things like that, and the tiktok that i used in my video is a supercut she posted of times where, while doing a review or video, she was misgendered. i believe she posted it as a way to raise awareness for how misgendering feels for trans people, and unfortunately, the internet took it and ran with it. nobody, myself especially, is saying that misgendering is something that no trans person will ever go through and society should grovel at our feet for making a simple (and easily correctable) mistake. unfortunately, like you and so many other trans people have pointed out, it's basically a rite of passage when you're early in your transition; but that does not mean that we have to just lie down and take it. that is the point of my video: Lilli has the right to post this video as a way of expressing her frustration with these situations, and does not deserve all the hate she's been receiving because of it.

[@AshleySpeaks4U]

Another mad respect deal with us older folk. Just like we're used to drag and transvestites, we also admire the butch, okay? There are "lipstick lesbians" and then there is a "butch" dyke-a label that they wear with pride. So, we are used to lesbians, preferring a male appearance. We are used to that, and they are a lady or a ma'am, okay? You have to understand that, there is no way for the majority to know what the heck. I would want to call Lilly a sir, because he appears drag or transvestite we grew up with. Truly, it is NOT intentional. We REALLY do not KNOW, okay? Honest mistakes. 😢

[@victorv5109]

The problem is that even after they apologize she still insists on talking to the manager….. like what do you want them to do with that info??🙄🙄🙄

[@YTpsychMyths2]

It's not fun to get misgendered. That being said humans are hard wired to detect gender/sex. The brain is constantly subconsciously assessing in milliseconds who's who. Mistaking a pronoun while respectfully saying 'sir' a word generally used when you are trying to be especially kind, is not disregarding anyone's feelings. Imo this lady has made a career off of this.

[@danthelambboy]

It's not remotely transphobia to call someone who looks like a sir a sir. The convention has always been to make an assumption about someones sex (not gender) and then call them the words used to describe someone who is that sex (not gender). There is no negative judgement made towards the trans person when calling them sir, it's not remotely transphobic. Clearly they aren't scared of the trans person and there is nothing wrong with being a Sir. The dysphoria is why trans people have an issue with their sex being identified. Why do people hate one sex so much that they have a problem with being identified as it? This person isn't being misgendered, these terms are used to relate to sex WHICH IS WHAT THE WHOLE VIDEO IS EVIDENCE OF. Despite the attempts to appear feminine people can see that this person is male and then they refer to them as such. Them having an issue with this is a delusional meglomania, believing that there is something superior about being female then demanding others pretend they are so so that they feel more powerful and higher status. It's really no surprise that this happens these days after recent times of female empowerment leading people to pedestal female people for simply being female, of course people would start believing it to be a superior way of being

[@rosered6876]

These people are working in a damn restaurant. They don't care about your pronouns, they care if they'll get enough tips to put gas in them car to get back to work and buy a few groceries. Stop using these people to validate your life !!

[@x-gate-gate-gate]

As a server for over 15 years, I can tell you that we do a lot of things to accommodate people's wishes, it's part of the job and this is the least difficult thing to do to make a patron comfortable. If someone hates pickles, we don't put pickles in their dish. If someone is in a wheelchair, we move a chair out of the way so they can wheel in. It is not hard to do your job while also respecting the preferences of your clientele

[@rosered6876]

@x-gate-gate-gate no, that's a Karen. I was a waitress also. There's a big difference between ordering something without pickles or accommodating a wheelchair and someone throwing a hissy fit because the server said the wrong pronoun. Correct them and move on. Instead of calling the manager and making a big show of it.

[@aktdoa]

but Lilli never threw a “hissy fit”, she was always very respectful and polite, never raising her voice or becoming aggressive, always seeking to turn it into a teachable moment. the only time she calls a manager over is when the server continually misgendered her even after her corrections. and in other cases instead of causing a scene, she simply leaves the establishment. she handled those situations much better than you ever would

[@charliemegan5739]

for the most part she handled it well but she did attempt to report the potentially accidental misgendering to the manager which could have had massive consequences for the server. also, I have seen videos of trans people being a lot less reasonable when misgendered during a first encounter with a server.

[@thefandomsassemble3361]

@@aktdoa mmm nah there are clips you didn't include where she was more aggressive. Also, telling the manager that a staff member misgendered you is just petty.

[@NikeDude13]

Multiple times she says "not sir, ma'am" and the server replies right back, "sir", only for her to reply again immediately, "ma'am". Those are examples of people blatantly trying to get a rise out of her. This used to happen to me as a kid all the time. Some examples are more dangerous than others, none are acceptable when she's already asked to be called ma'am. Even just an apology no matter how fake is more professional especially in a business setting. When this sort of thing happened to me as a kid, I usually never corrected people bc no matter how nice we are back, it all too often leads to bullying or worse, assault. Even when you don't correct someone. We're working together to make bullying trans people not accepted socially in any form. That's going to take as many people as possible working with empathy, competence and respect. When I was a kid, a group of kids would stalk me following me home on my walk back from school calling me "she-man". Finally, a few years of this on and off, they actually chased me and attempted to beat on me together. I was able to defend myself and escaped unscathed. After that, I ended up changing schools. So many of these people like to make excuses and explain it away, but behavior like that predicates more serious bullying and assault. Thank you for sharing this Dakota and having the courage and bravery needed to talk about this in both your video and comments. I'm proud to have you as a member of our trans community! You inspire me!

[@GreysonCummings82]

Hi! Transman here. Also from TX. Love your content. I think the dislike has to do with the Karen attitude. Demanding to speak with the manager. Being super dramatic and telling people it’s like a knife through her heart. It seems like most of those circumstances were innocent mistakes and her reaction seems over the top. Intentional bigotry, sure - go off on them. Unintentional misgendering? Why not make it a teaching moment instead of trying to make the staff feel as bad as you do. 🤷🏻‍♂️ People are just people.

[@aktdoa]

i don't think she's going about it with a Karen attitude, i think she IS using it as a teachable moment; she most likely understands that these people aren't misgendering her intentionally and is trying to appeal to their emotional side by illustrating to them how painful it can be to be misgendered (hence the "knife in my heart/gut" simile). this, in my opinion, is a much more concise and digestible way of "teaching" someone how misgendering can be harmful instead of trying to explain it more logically - especially in a situation like this, where the workers probably did make a genuine mistake and are only looking to apologize, correct themselves, and get on with their shift.

[@YTpsychMyths2]

Also: My wife is tomboy, she just likes to wear men's clothes and she has short hair ect. She is gay. She gets misgendered all the time but she understands why. Is someone supposed to ASSUME she's they/them, non binary, or even a trans man using he/him pronouns? That's just as bigoted as someone misgendering a person, if not more considering it's usually a good faith mistake.

[@aktdoa]

why would someone be meant to assume Lilli is non-binary/uses they/them? it would be better for people to not make their assumptions aloud, and just refrain from using gendered language altogether if possible. that's all Lilli is asking - she even says in her tiktok, "you don't have to call me ma'am, just don’t call me sir." *edit*: corrected a typo

[@aktdoa]

that’s a typo in my last comment - the actual quote (which you can see written in the captions on Lilli’s video) is “you don’t have to call me ma’am, just *don’t* call me sir.” sorry about the confusion!

[@YTpsychMyths2]

@@aktdoa Hey, just for clarification, I don't approve of misgendering someone on purpose. That's all. I appreciate your stance too.

[@tylerrslays]

For me, i couldnt be so confident to do this, but absolutely understand why she would. the only thing i question, but i’m not sure if she did this, was complaining to the manager after someone did it by mistake. if it was on purpose absolutely, but if it was a genuine mistake by the waiter and you tell their manager, that can get someone fired. Although you did say that she called ahead, so if the business passes this information on the wait staff then theres no excuse

[@annamariposa6959]

The narcissism of calling ahead to announce that you’re a lady with a manliest voice ever 😂😂😂😂

[@aktdoa]

she doesn’t call ahead to “announce she’s a lady”, she calls ahead to make sure she’s allowed to film in the restaurant. i couldn’t find the tweet i saw that said she calls ahead to let the staff know her pronouns, so it may have been deleted due to false information.

[@tylerrslays]

@@annamariposa6959its not narcissistic to expect basic human decency

[@lillythompson2264]

when "we just want to be excepted" to "call me my pronouns or else" the latter is the problem. Stick and stones my break my bones BUT words can NEVER hurt me! Learn it kids

[@aktdoa]

accepted*, not “excepted”. anyways, like i said in this video, you don’t HAVE to call someone their pronouns. there are very easy ways to avoid using gendered terms in everyday conversation, people are just stubborn and stuck in their ways. even in her tiktok, Lilli says “you don’t have to call me ma’am, just don’t call me sir” - it’s literally that easy.

[@brandih8972]

Jeffrey Starr is feminine. Wearing women's clothes and makeup doesn't mean you should assume they will use she/her. Especially with the Gen Z generation. The young men are very feminine. Nothing wrong with men who espouse feminine style, but there is no guessing at what a person's preferred pronouns are.

[@aktdoa]

yes, that’s why i state multiple times in the video that people should turn to using gender neutral language or avoid using gendered language altogether in situations where they’re confused about someone’s gender/pronouns. not hard to understand

[@brandih8972]

I'm a female veteran, so I get called sir all the time at the VA. It used to make me feel like people didn't value female veterans until I realized I was projecting my own feelings onto other people. Now that I value myself and I know that my contributions are as valuable as any man's, I don't assume nefarious intentions onto their mis-gendering me. They are just used to working with men all day. I'm not trying to be argumentative, but I want to help by sharing secrets of emotional autonomy that took me years to learn. It's so much easier to control my own emotional response and take my emotions away from strangers rather than try to police the speech of people who work with hundreds of men and only a handful of women. The nurse calling for "Mr. Last Name" isn't being disrespectful or dismissive of female vets. They are just trying to move on to the next patient so they can get through the day and go home to their families. I'm not that important to them, and they are not that important to me now that I value myself more than I did when I would get offended. Other people's words only hurt me when they echo what I think of myself. When I feel a pang of hurt at someone's words, I now use that hurt as a mirror to explore how I undervalue or bully myself, and I learn to think differently and love myself.

[@aktdoa]

i understand where you’re coming from, i really do. but you, like so many other cis people in this comment section, are missing the point. getting misgendered as a cisgender person does *not* carry the same emotional weight that it does for a transgender person - it just can not compare. i agree that being emotionally intelligent and learning to stop projecting your own insecurities onto others helps lessen the pain (i’ve spoke about that in my other videos talking about how to overcome internalised transphobia, toxic masculinity, etc), but even for me, a trans man who’s been on testosterone for over 6 years and who passes as cis daily, it would still hurt to be misgendered!

[@aktdoa]

@@Ephemeral2023 when i say that i pass as cis, it means that people look at me and assume that i was born male. i pass as a cisgender man, someone who was born male and identifies as male. hopefully that helps

[@aktdoa]

@@Ephemeral2023 i am always open to answering questions, as long as they are asked respectfully and with an open mind

[@CheyByrd]

I definitely don’t think anyone “deserves” to be misgendered and I do understand the sadness and discomfort one feels when it happens but I will say that sometimes having a constructive conversation instead of constantly creating a negative narrative is where we create change. Let’s show someone accidentally getting it wrong, but fixing it after being allowed patience and compassion. We are, after all, changing the language as everyone knows it. What a gift these generations get to be a part of.. Instead of being on the defense, giving ammo to the transphobic folks, let’s try to find common ground. Of course, with that said, there are people that don’t want to hear it.. but I think there are a lot of misinformed, good people out there. Kindness almost always wins.

[@izzyyyy868]

i don't think it's the fact that they want to be called a woman it's the fact that they are going to these places, confronting people, the people then apologize and they proceed to get a manager involved. Which can get people fired. they are potentially taking away someone's livelihood. that is never okay.

[@RyanAveryIsGay3]

Keep in mind that she called ahead in some cases, and in a few cases the workers were quite rude to her.

[@shikuanne]

If these are the things concerning this lilly person, then they may have a hard time handling major life issues. Restaurant workers could care less what they identify as, they work for hours on end to make an income. Sorry ...

[@tastelessoasis]

man idk how u deal with all this transphobia, i just went through all these comments and they’re wack. i hate my job and want be a youtuber so bad but i don’t think i could deal with this stuff. you’re a real one dakota

[@aktdoa]

i’ve been posting on youtube since 2017, you get used to it and after a while it just becomes funny. if i ever get overwhelmed i just close the app and go touch grass

[@douginprague]

The fact that Lillitino is repeatedly doing it in front of the camera and asking to speak to the manager says more about her than the staff. I don't really think all those staff are deliberately missgendering. First point, Lillitino has a deep voice and sounds like a guy even if she dresses as a woman. Secondly, how the hell in this day and age, with so many genders/neopronouns to choose, would a waiter on minimum wage know what pronoun to pick?

[@YTpsychMyths2]

Right, my wife is tomboy, she just likes to wear men's cloths and she has short hair. She is gay. She gets misgendered all the time but she understands why. Is someone supposed to ASSUME she's they/them, non binary, or even a trans man using he/him pronouns? That's just as bigoted as someone misgendering a person, if not more.

[@danthelambboy]

Also there's no "mis" here. They used Sir to identify a male and got this correct. It has nothing to do with gender

[@aktdoa]

something that i’ve noticed in comments like yours is that you talk about the service workers as if they’re of lesser value. “how would a waiter on minimum wage know what pronoun to pick?” why does it matter that they’re making minimum wage? do people who work minimum wage jobs not have the level of cognitive functioning that you think is required to properly gender someone “in this day and age”? very telling

[@douginprague]

@@aktdoa 'very telling'... sounds like you are making the assumptions. If Lillitino was standing in front of me speaking with that voice, I would have no idea what pronoun to use. What about he/him lesbians in a restaurant? Are you of the opinion that 'gender' pronouns that people use like 'bunnyself', 'kittenself', 'emojiself' are real and valid too? 'In this day and age' : yes I'm old. I'm gay. And from 1988 for 15 years or so my best friend was transsexual. I was there in the hospital after her surgery. Frankly I was her only friend for all those years. NOTE: I refer to her as she. So I suggest you keep your assumptions to yourself.

[@RyanAveryIsGay3]

Yes, BUT she corrected them several times and they still called her "sir". She called in, asking if she could record a video, and asking to be refered to with she/her pronouns. And she was pretty nice about it to be honest.

[@alessiadimanno1707]

I do not agree, she doesn't pass, she records herself knowing that she is going to be misgenderd because she doesn't pass, she doesn't even try to make a Higher pitch with her voice. She knows exactly what she is doing, the hurting from being misgendered as a mistake is her own business and she should solve that in therapy, not brag about it and try to put innocent people in trouble. Also, not being misgendered is not a right... I'm a cis woman and It happened also to me to be misgendered ( as an insult tho, not a mistake like in this cases, see the difference there?)

[@aktdoa]

trans people get misgendered as an insult as well, you’re not special. she doesn’t record herself because she knows she’ll be misgendered, she does it because that’s the type of content she makes: she films herself trying new restaurants and foods, which is extremely common nowadays. your comment reeks of transphobia - trans people shouldn’t have to pass in order to have our identity respected, we shouldn’t have to force ourselves to adhere to societal gender roles to be “acceptable”. and even if we were, Lilli is clearly presenting as female, wearing makeup and feminine clothing. there are cis women with deeper voices, it’s not an excuse to misgender people.

[@alessiadimanno1707]

@@aktdoa she looks just as a extravagant gay man, male voice, male face, male act. My comment reeks of transphobia only because of my opinion is different from yours, I've been quite polite, done my best to not misgender the trans woman of the video ( not easy since I'm not a native english speaker) and also bringed a case that should uplift and better trans people disphoria, knoing that it happens also to cis people should make them feel better, why you immediately arrive on the "you're not special" ? Cause you WANT to be the special one right? Special treatment, having rights that not even cis people have, be able to accuse of transphobia people that simply disagree with you... You should be ashamed

[@berrysnowyboy5251]

That's fine if you don't. Also, you excusing transphobia and defending the misgendering of others does say a lot about you and your character don't you think?

[@alessiadimanno1707]

@@berrysnowyboy5251 yeah it says that even if I don't agree and criticize her I'm not misgendering her, so I'm being respectfull, but for ya'll it's never enough right? And you always go personal when someone disagrees with you, this too says a lot about you isn'it? Don't worry, learned my lesson, never ever ever again I will try to adopt some part of your ideology in an effort to have a conversation... so no misgendering in this video, people clock HIS gender very well ^^

[@Indikah]

Our world is doomed ........

[@SodaCider641]

Yeah, because of corrupt politicians taking away all of human rights plus project 2025 is coming. We’re all gonna be deep in the grave when America turns into a dictatorship.

[@utuelias]

Not related, but: I'd really really like to know what the song/artist or music genre is at the end. Could someone help?

[@aktdoa]

hi - the song i use in my outro is called "Sunset n Beachz" by the artist Ofshane :)

[@utuelias]

@@aktdoa Aww yiss, thanks man! ... Found some other tracks from Ofshane too and listened to a Tchaikowsky remix while getting my clean clothes from the laundry room. I have never felt so epic while picking up laundry before lol

[@loved3298]

dakotaaaa you seem so comfortable infront of the camera sharing your thoughts and feelings, loving the way u vibe w the microphone in your hand. this is a successful video forsure, u with a microphone makes me wanna listen! u fine as well but we already know that. ok im done now 🙏💟

[@aktdoa]

yeah really happy w the purchase of this microphone tbh, it’s been a learning curve for the editing process but i think it has improved my audio quality a lot :) glad other people are enjoying it!

[@Indikah]

He just eats........

[@SodaCider641]

You should grow up and move on. Get a life instead of bullying random people on the internet smh

[@sueciviero3866]

I am learning not to use gender terms as much but it is really clear I am used to making assumptions. My son is being patient with me knowing I lapse because of 29 years of different speech. I do think Lilli handles the subject fairly. These debates create learning opportunities.

[@aktdoa]

that’s great that you’re trying to learn! it’s so easy to deflect responsibility and shift the blame onto trans people (like so many people on twitter did with this tweet). even if you make mistakes, you’re still putting in the effort to try and improve and that’s enough :)

[@louhaslostit]

this gave me some hope

[@berrysnowyboy5251]

Massive kudos to you for trying to learn (it's good to see folks owning up to their mistakes, correcting themselves and moving on)

[@cha0sstheoryy507]

and it’s the way that lilli is so clearly feminine presenting. for some trans people, constantly going out of your way to adhere to traditional gender norms can be kind of exhausting. sometimes I make sacrifices to seem more masculine, not necessarily cause it makes me feel good but rather just in hopes that people won’t be able to say I’m not trying. but no matter how hard you try to pass, they’ll say “if you didn’t want to be misgendered than you should try a little harder to pass” while simultaneously voting for people that restrict trans healthcare and make it harder to pass uuuuggghhhhhhh I hate cisnormativity

[@nobodyuknow.]

I know but she could've just been mistaken as a gay male

[@aktdoa]

@mr.csharpminor hardly. she’s doing everything she can to present as feminine as possible. anyone who looks at her and thinks “extremely gay male” is either delusional or doing it deliberately

[@shawn8093]

@@aktdoa She looks like a gay man to me. I would respect her pronouns once told, but in an attempt to be respectful, I would have assumed gay male before assuming trans.

[@berrysnowyboy5251]

Cisnormativity is shitty and a kind of hell no one deserves to live in (plus the way cisnormative cis people move their goalposts on who is legitimately a specific gender says a lot about them and their characters and the way they treat other people)

[@parkerposey8155]

What happened to us all minding our own business?

[@aktdoa]

kinda goes out the window when people post their experiences and opinions online, no?

[@shadetreader]

So many people making excuses for transphobia in these comments 🤦‍♀️

[@berrysnowyboy5251]

Right, and it's not only pathetic... It's also just a reflection of the people defending transphobia.

[@berrysnowyboy5251]

Especially when those same people defending transphobia make excuses for it and use tactics (i.e., guilt-tripping, emotional invalidation, gaslighting) to make people rightfully uncomfortable with being misgendered and with experiencing transphobia feel like shit about it, like they're expected to suck it up.

[@barryledgister4496]

@@berrysnowyboy5251 Lilytino is an obvious male around 30 dressed as an 80s teenage girl hooker. He isn`t even `transgender`. Baiting strangers with misgendering when English probably is their third language and they haven`t got a clue what he`s talking about. Deservedly, his tiktok channel has crashed completely, rather like this content creator`s...who uses the same tired bait for clicks and views...`look how `transphobic` people are being`; when most of the planet are totally unaware even of the existence of `trans` people. And don`t care.

[@marydoty3495]

In reality this BS REALLY DOES NOT MATTER! Grow up and move on! We the People are NOT HERE to AFFIRM your delusions, especially if I do not know you. Respect works both ways. Life isn't fair, you will go on to live another day🤔🥰🌈🦋🦄❤️🙏🌏

[@aktdoa]

if it doesn’t matter, then why are you so resistant to change? a simple apology and correction is enough in most cases of someone being misgendered, there’s no need to start rambling on about how “life isn’t fair” or “respect works both ways” - if you misgender me, and i politely respond with “i’m not a “ma’am”, i go by he/him pronouns”, how is that disrespectful? im only asking that you respect my identity - *you* would be the one disrespecting *me* by refusing to use my correct pronouns, just like how i would be disrespecting you if i started calling you sir and using he/him when addressing you. besides, shouldn’t we as humans work together to make life a little more fair for each other? is that not the point of humanity, treating each other with kindness and uplifting the people around us despite our differences?

[@marydoty3495]

@@aktdoa that is the whole point. If you don't give respect than people will not return the favor, especially if you don't respect yourself. It's not anyone else's job to give you anything, we/ you are not entitled to. Playing into someone's mental gymnastics isn't helping humanity it's destroying it....

[@SodaCider641]

Trans people are not delusional. If you’re mad at people being happy, then that’s a you problem. Also, you need to grow up and move on if you hate their existence.

[@berrysnowyboy5251]

​@@marydoty3495 Ma'am, this is a you issue if you are unable to handle trans people simply trying to be happy and to be seen as themselves. Also, why are you projecting your own issues onto trans people just trying to get through life in spite of transphobia detrimentally affecting them?

[@salientparadise7831]

She does not look like a sir! And also when correcting ppl and having them saying sir AGAIN- she handled it so so well I’d also be leaving bro ngl 🤣🤣🤣 like that’s uncomfortable as hell

[@shadowdaddyhades]

I applaud her confidence to correct strangers like that. It does hurt, and she is very clearly feminine presenting, there really is no reason for them to be misgendering her like that. We really should just do away with gendered language in general. I cant tell you good it feels to talk to other queer people and not be gendered at all. Yeah they're clocking me, but at least they are being respectful about it. It's not hard to show others respect, and it cost you nothing.

[@aktdoa]

this is exactly why i always tell trans people who are struggling with feeling accepted to surround themselves with other queer people!! yes there are some queer folks who are dicks too, but for the most part it’s sO much nicer being around likeminded people

[@AshleySpeaks4U]

It's the voice-you really cannot blame people for hearing a man thus addressing as such. That's not fair to anybody. ☹️ A deep male voice is what it is. Lillie needs to work on that. I do not see an effort to do so here though.

[@shadowdaddyhades]

@@AshleySpeaks4U you think she doesn't put in enough effort? Do you have any idea how ignorant you sound? It is not her responsibility to make herself into someone that is easier for cishets to swallow. You can very clearly see that she is presenting as a woman. She is wearing makeup and feminine clothing, and even goes as far as to politely correct people who misgender her. If you are ever unsure you can always ask what someone's pronouns are, or ya know, just dont gender them. It's not hard.

[@shadowdaddyhades]

@@aktdoa for real man! It does help so much. That's why I spend as much time in dallas as I can, because there is just a larger concentration of us there. It does wonders being around people who are excepting of others differences :)

[@AshleySpeaks4U]

But, I am proud to be a woman and I'm called her and she.☹️ What about that??? I'm not a they them.

[@katnekosona]

The best practice for the servers in Lily’s case would have been for them to ask if they weren’t sure (other staff may not have communicated her gender preference to them). Sometimes, a person’s gender may be ambiguous to third parties. Some gay men wear make up and halter tops but don’t identify as trans, so if Lily hasn’t medically transitioned and still has biological male features (which many trans people can’t afford to do, and some may choose not to do because of risks), I can see why there may be confusion. Accidents happen as well. When one happens, the server should apologize. It can be hard not to say sir or ma’am, especially if you were raised to use those terms and it has been a lifelong habit, but if you know in advance someone doesn’t want to be called sir or if you’re not sure, a conscious effort should be made. Depending on Lily’s outfit choice, I would have been more inclined to use ma’am without even asking. Some cis gay and lesbian persons may get misgendered in the process or get offended when someone asks them about their gender (I have accidentally offended a lesbian before by asking) so there is no perfect way to handle a situation without changing our language to being entirely gender neutral. I don’t see most societies doing that anytime soon since gender is so ingrained in our cultures.

[@alessiadimanno1707]

Honestly not even gender neutral will be good, I would be offended if someone uses a gender neutral term to approach me, and like me also trans people with a good passing that spent a lot of money and effort to pass, can get offended by that... But maybe is just Italian, my mother language that just make it look crazy... even tree and moon to us have genders ( for tree we use "he" and for moon "she", I don't know how to explain it) and we don't even have a neutral form

[@aktdoa]

@alessiadimanno1707 im a trans person who’s spent a lot of money and effort on passing as cis and it doesn’t bother/offend me when someone uses a gender neutral term for me. it changes nothing and doesn’t hurt me, and im not the only trans person who thinks that

[@alessiadimanno1707]

@@aktdoa sorry hun, you're NOT the only trans person existing on this planet and a lot of them would be offended by being called by gender neutral pronouns...and a lot of cis people too... also isn't it laughable that what YOU think is irrelevant must be perceived as irrelevant and what other people perceive as irrelevant is Transphobic? How does if work? 🤪

[@aktdoa]

i said in my comment that i know other trans people feel the same 😭 ts is so funny

[@katnekosona]

@@alessiadimanno1707 same with Spanish from what I understand. That language is inherently gendered. In English, people use they as both a plural and singular pronoun but still use he and she a lot. Older generations (including gen x) were taught in school that they is solely a plural pronoun when speaking formally so that’s a factor in the resistance to broadly use gender neutral pronouns that’s not necessarily rooted in transphobia. I don’t mind calling someone a they if that’s their preference but I personally don’t intend to shop using she or he on the whole. Gender is a large part of a person’s identity. A trans person often looks for a she or he. It’s just a good idea to use they if you’re not sure, even if most of the time a cis or trans person’s identity of he or she is apparent.

[@bonniebuckner3399]

Amalgorithm is an all new combo word for me, thanks for putting me onto it, ❤🎉

[@aktdoa]

happy to help 🫡

[@alexgallagher_]

i think waiters shouldn't use sir or ma'am in general because they never know how someone identifies. someone can look really feminine but can still go by he/him or they/them or someone who looks masculine or has a really deep voice but goes by she/her or they/them. trans people in general shouldn't get a lot of surgeries (unless they want it) just to be seen as the gender they identify as.. nice video

[@AshleySpeaks4U]

Growing up, we are taught the respectful terms are sir and ma'am. Not a way around that-it's virtually innate.

[@AshleySpeaks4U]

​@@Ephemeral2023🤔? 😂 Cute!❤

[@sugarspiceandlottarice8877]

Is your natural hair color red or blonde

[@aktdoa]

i’m a ginger

[@louhaslostit]

just need to stop using gendered terms to strangers, it doesn't help anyone and is very easy to cut out

[@tylerrslays]

i agree but at restaurants and fancy places its a sign of respect to call someone sir/mam so there’s no alternative and waiters are usually made to call people sir or mam. it’s difficult to change something like that in society because its a sign of respect

[@aktdoa]

i’ve worked in fancy restaurants and catered fancier events and was never expected to use sir or ma’am - you can be polite and respectful without using gendered terminology. it’s so easy to avoid it’s actually laughable that people think it’s too hard

[@dayahbpetty9062]

​@@aktdoaive have worked for facny places anf we were required to use sir and maam...

[@tylerrslays]

@@aktdoa oh okay interesting! ive worked in restaurants where you have to so I guess it depends on the place and context. Personally i don't think its necessary, but it's also a huge gender euphoric thing for me to be called sir.

[@AshleySpeaks4U]

I wish everybody would just GIVE EVERYONE A BREAK about pronouns. 😔 It's not intentional. It's not "phobic'. It's not hate. They need to change their voice brcause if you sound like a sir, us OLDER gens are used to drag/transvestites and they ARE sir, and you call them him, okay? We are USED to that-PLEASE understand that. 😢 I was called a "sir" by a flight attendant at age 9. I was horribly offended! 😂 But, I got over it. I really did. I LOOKED like a boy! 😂😂😂 So no biggie. Please accept you need to sound like a woman-not just dress like one. Transexuals have been around for eons and they have always been respected. Misgendering doesn't have to be an issue unless you MAKE it one, right? I feel like that is being done here. Out of respect for non-trans, please understand labeling us 'cis' hurts too. Non transexuals are offended by it-we all really are. I mean that with all due respect. We're simply men and women, okay? 🥺 Transexuals have never been unaccepted or oppressed. I'm Gen X. We were the very FIRST all-inclusive generation-look at George Michael, Freddy Murcury, and Elton John. We accepted everyone. 💖 It hurts to see people squabbling when it's very few who are pushy like this. You don't need to correct us-just do your thing. It's okay for someone to guess your sex wrong. Transexuals before you did not make a deal of it-there is no need to correct folks. Just do you! ❤😊 And "phobic" means fear. Nobody is SCARED of you-promise! 😂 Nobody is "phobic"-just honest mistake.

[@berrysnowyboy5251]

And I wish you learned how to think before you speak. You do not speak for anyone here, so we trans folks can kindly take charge and lead the conversation around pronouns. Just say that you cannot stand seeing people providing a shred of sympathy when it comes to being misgendered and leave.

[@rosered6876]

Some people have bigger problems than your pronouns. Like trying to earn a living and if they can afford gas AND food.

[@carrieruston3770]

I am wondering if he asked the pronouns of the servers? He used he/him when referring to a few of these servers? How does he know that they are he/him and not they/them or ze/zir? I also find it incredulous that he expected a woman to jump in and defend him on that little confrontation he started with those 3 young men? Is he out of his mind to think that a woman is going to jump into a conflict between 4 men? He clearly knows NOTHING about being a woman

[@richsiwes]

As an older (gay)guy I don’t under that if someone’s clearly(and I know it’s a generalization) dresses/looks like a woman in a restaurant than it should be obvious that she should be adressed as such.It’s a (hateful) act if the waiters choose to mispronounce.I understand that it’s more difficult when someone’s non-binary.Thanks for educating us and sharing your experiences-all the best from the Netherlands 👍🏼👀✨

[@dragongamerboi13]

Gosh, I still get misgendered friggin constantly and yeah it does hurt. It hurts a lot. I try so hard to come off as a guy and even got my hair cut AGAIN. I just can't afford a binder/trans tape right now I know it's mostly the boobs.

[@aktdoa]

i’ll never understand how cis people can be like “getting misgendered isn’t that bad. if you don’t pass then you’re gonna get misgendered”, it’s so obvious that they’ve never felt that specific type of pain that comes from something like being misgendered

[@allelli077]

Hi trans guy here👋🏻 I bought some tape but can't use it because apparently my skin is too sensitive 🫠 it's 10cm large, the colour is called "ivory" (I have a very pale skin tone). idk what your skin tone or chest size are like, but if you're interested I could send it to you!! it doesn't even matter where you live, how expensive it is to send it to you. I'm not using it anyway! and honestly if I can help in any way 😄

[@meechie69Official]

Then why get offended? These people see you have breast so they’re gonna call you female out of respect. And you’re gonna go home and cry about it? I think you need a mental health evaluation before you get on hormones

[@meechie69Official]

@@aktdoa first of all stop calling us, cis and then you’ll gain some respect

[@meechie69Official]

@@aktdoa pain? There’s a difference between getting your feelings, hurt and pain. Miss gendering someone is getting their feelings hurt. Cutting someone’s neck off his pain.

[@facelessdrone]

She literally could not have been more nice about it? She said, its okay, please do not do it again because it hurts me.... they are literally just victim blaming, what they mena when they say this shit is they just want her to sit there and take it, but thats not okay, they made a mistake and should correct they mistake and not do it again. Like adults. I fail to see how she did anything wrong? She was literally so nice about it.

[@annamariposa6959]

She? Looks like a total man in a dress 😂😂 a he is a he!

[@AshleySpeaks4U]

It's the voice. We are all trained to address a male voice as sir, which is a respectful term, right? A person needs to work hard on feminizing their voice-it can't be easy, and must be done however. We have to stop blaming people for an honest mistake. If you dress as a woman, and sound like a man, you are in drag-and drag is fine being addressed as sir-that is what everybody is used to. Nobody hates transexuals, but the voice really does need to match. It does not need to be a hurtful ordeal. Some people are a**hats-but those are everywhere. I once had a man's husband say in front of me, "Yeah-WE don't want to BE around some STINKY vaginas!" "Um-consider the COMPANY?!" I told him vaginas smell and taste like French fries-because we do! 😂😂😂 "You do not smell a damned THING in this car!" 😂😂😂 It's simply the voice. And a**hats abound! Haha!

[@Mister-Man]

Here’s my take: Does she deserve it? No. Is it fair? again no, it certainly sucks. I’m sorry to say this will continue to happen for two major reasons: 1st, she looks like a man -testosterone is a very strong hormone whose changes cannot be undone. You (Dakota) certainly look and sound like a man, I bet most people wouldn’t even think about you being born a woman. No matter how many testosterone suppressants or estrogen you take, it would never undo what testosterone can change in the body. 2nd, Humans are hardwired to recognize sex before any rational thought can be processed by the brain, it’s not a problem of will, the decision was made before any “will” can cut in. There are very few exceptions where a person would not be able to reach that conclusion in milliseconds. That being said: are there people being an ass just because they want to? of course, yet majority of people is not like that yet they will “misgender” her time and time and again for the two reasons I gave. Final thoughts: It is weak to constantly need external validation . Life does not come with a manual and we certainly don’t get born with confidence, yet it’s not a way of living to expect others to provide validation all the time, only children need validation. The process of becoming an adult is learning who we are, our strengths and weaknesses, in a way that no matter what you hear from others you stand your ground because you and only you know the truth about yourself without anyone else having to tell you that. I am not saying there is no such thing as a real world, what I am saying is: this person can know he was born a man, wants to pass as a woman and if someone misgender her, she moves on with her life, she still has to follow what medical care is advised for men while it doesn’t have to make her crumble in the life she chose to live in.

[@luminolmortis5927]

she's so respectful about the situation, i don't think she's done anything wrong except for maybe the one video where she specifically called for the manager - i don't think that was necessary if she was truly just misgendered once by mistake. she's understanding that they've done it by mistake, but it still hurts her and she has the right to let them know that she wants at least gender neutral language. everyone criticizing her kinda just reeks of transphobia tbh, i don't see what's wrong with what she did aside from calling the manager that one time

[@aktdoa]

i think the reason she calls for a manager in some of her videos is because she supposedly calls ahead of time to let the restaurant staff know about her filming + her gender identity. so i’m assuming she calls them over to just be like “yo i thought we discussed this beforehand” - although i agree that if the server is apologetic, as long as they don’t slip up again, calling the manager over seems overkill

[@RyanAveryIsGay3]

@@aktdoa Honestly I might do that if I was having a bad day or something

[@bananabread19]

Ya know she was really kind saying “you don’t need to call me ma’am just please don’t call me sir” usually I try to just not use genders unless I *know* someone’s preferred gender. I do slip up sometimes as it’s been instilled to use maam and sir from a young age but I try very hard to fight that and eventually it won’t happen with my efforts. I think we should be kind when people slip up. But it was a bit out of line how they kept misgendering her after she brought up the mistake.

[@jackleham]

You are very disturbing.

[@berrysnowyboy5251]

You're just as disturbing but go off I guess. Find a hobby to fill your own soul up.

[@meechie69Official]

Also, this man does this for attention. He is not trying to look feminine by no stretch of the imagination. By someone calling him by his actual gender is not offensive people do not know. This is the problem. If you don’t pass normal, society is going to call you what you look like. That’s not an us problem. That’s a you problem.

[@notapeopleperson6761]

But appearing feminine or masculine isn’t the point. It’s the identity

[@meechie69Official]

@@notapeopleperson6761 If you’re trying to change your gender it absolutely is about appearance. Don’t get mad when someone calls you sir when you absolutely look like one

[@SodaCider641]

@@meechie69Official shut up. Not everyone meets unrealistic beauty standards.

[@user-kz9xu8mj5y]

boring