Don't Be So Nice - It's Not Worth It

[@lesliengo8347]

When doing nice things, I think a good question to ask ourselves is, "is doing this thing nice for me too?" If not, then it is time to reevaluate. As a people pleaser, it is easy for me to give more chances than needed and keeping the peace by not bringing issues because I feel hurt when upset or disappoint someone. However, I am glad to be doing the work to assert myself and set heathery boundaries.

[@mumbaiblues2987]

I would say, believe in your own super power. I will give my example. I was always told “you are too sensitive, you are way too emotional”. But the day I understood that these very aspects were my super power, I came into rhythm with my true self and now I see how respected I am by others. I am still nice with people but my aura has become different

[@cyberbid]

I am very similar. I am a guy and I too have been told I’m too emotional and sensitive but it is who I am, why should I change for others? 3/4 wouldn’t change for me.

[@CarolePletka]

I can so totally relate to this. I was told you too sensitive many times by my mom I realize this is gaslighting. A great job coach I had said to tell her I consider my sensitivity to be an asset .

[@mumbaiblues2987]

@@CarolePletka that’s wonderful Carole!! Yes we have been misguided so much. The truth we should feel great about our unique gifts. Sensitivity and emotions are so so much in need today to help others

[@CarolePletka]

@@mumbaiblues2987 Thanks

[@evbemma33]

​@@CarolePletkamy mother was sayins the same : you are too sensitive. Now i know it was a gaslighting and devaluating technic to make me feel that is something wrong with me in general or with my senses to her abusive behaviuor!!!

[@VladislavBabbitt]

Forgiving and/or forgetting are a personal choice. Better not having to do either.

[@Tatjana.B]

I was always too nice on my own costs. People abused that and took me for granted. No more!

[@loricarr9252]

I am always the giver! It’s not that I never received, but it’s so rare. I am the one doing the most and I am tired of it. I can’t keep doing it, but I’m happy to give at the same time.

[@May-m4n]

You have to look at the pay-off because there´s some otherwise you wouldn't do it. But start doing for yourself too even if it makes you guilty, you´ll quickly get the hang of it😉

[@Clevelandsteamer324]

You are a doormat. Get up!

[@johndolan5923]

If giving without condition feels good, then that is healthy, if you have expectations of getting something back, then assess...

[@Lauriestrode1978]

And I understand doing this just feels good to the heart, you don’t expect something in return everytime, it just makes you feel good but you deserve to have something good in return, yeah stop giving to people who aren’t grateful for your kindness.

[@elizabethandiosa4579]

So true. Being too nice is not so good.

[@chrisdigitalartist]

My thoughts and notes on Julia’s KZbin video (10/04/2024), Don’t Be So Nice - It's Not Worth It. Number 3 is one that comes to my mind. My mom seems to bring up frequently “You need a girlfriend!” and this is a very sensitive topic for me and it stings when she does that. It isn’t like you can just easily find someone. I also know that I need to continue to work more on my own mind management and inner healing. I am growing in the relationship with myself first. I have placed a boundary to her and told her to not bring up that topic but she still does. Here are my notes: 1. Thinking that you're being nice by ignoring your needs. 2. Thinking that not having boundaries is nice. 3. If you do have boundaries, it's not nice to also let those boundaries be continuously violated. 4. Giving people endless chances. 5. Pretending everything is okay when it's not. 6. Thinking that we need to forgive and forget immediately. 7. Not saying anything because we want to keep the peace. * Use clean, clear and classy communication.

[@Clevelandsteamer324]

Read “the rational male” and “no more Mr. Nice guy”

[@elipotter369]

Keep telling your mum to stop it and give consequences, like less time with you. I'm a mum and raised my child to trust her own feelings and preferences, and have taught her life skills as best as i can. She's given me a lot of pushback & set boundaries for when I'm being unhelpful. Children, and into their adulthood have a right to privacy and their own choices and decisions. You're right, it can be hard to find a good life partner.

[@Lauriestrode1978]

Also when your nice, its never your responsibility when things aren’t going well.

[@rongike]

lying and pretending is not actually nice/kind. by doing that we're not allowing others to receive the feedback they need to improve themselves. so really it's quite selfish.

[@Nekotaku_TV]

Yep. Will never understand how lying and being fake is considered nice.... it's really disrespectful and not people I wanna be around.

[@Lauriestrode1978]

Some people can actually be nice because it’s the right thing to do and others will try taking advantage of it making them the selfish ones more often then not. If they can’t improve themselves because you aren’t being real with them, that’s their own responsibility.

[@rongike]

@@Lauriestrode1978 I'm no sure what you're saying but dishonesty isn't nice or the right thing to do 🤔 if someone is getting taken advantage of bc they're a dishonest people pleaser then it's as if they brought it on themselves 🤔

[@douglaidlaw740]

This needs to be said. "Magic words," as recommended by others, never work.

[@clausm2203]

Great video There is a lot of toxic people in this World sometimes I just dont want to deal with Them and avoid Them as much as poesible and let others try to change Them my inner peace is the most importent

[@VixtoriaVixen]

This could not have showed up at a more perfect time! So glad I had subscribed

[@juliakristinamah]

Welcome here! and I’m really glad it came at the right time.

[@SimplySab7088]

I was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder how I got to know about this was whenever I have an argument with anyone in my family or anyone I always beat myself up any agree with their name calling that ‘I’m a bad person’ hence I’ve struggled with people pleasing all my life I can’t resonate with anyone this reaches me to an extent of wanting to take my own life. In my country Zambia therapy is not something we’re familiar with thanks to KZbin I wouldn’t have learned about mental health without it, Mental Health videos have really been a game changer I took a step 2 months ago to go to a mental health clinic without shame and I was helped. Right now I’m learning to understand myself even more whenever I am in a tense situation I’m no longer beating myself up because I know I’m a good person and everyday is educational for me I’ve clicked this video because I’m guilty of all the things Julia has mentioned and I have seen that I’ve been a doormat it’s high time I stood up for myself.

[@Lauriestrode1978]

Also don’t say you are guilty, being nice is never a ‘guilt’ always remember that, just don’t be so nice but never think being nice was something to feel guilty about.

[@nannettewilliams7847]

The concept of “being nice” is my life’s mission. We need more love and kindness, that’s what humans are called to be. Self love/care, boundaries are important. I choose to give my time to healthy people and I look at adversity as a lesson.

[@Lauriestrode1978]

Exactly, people should actually appreciate this but instead choose to take advantage and hurt kind people because there easy to hurt to make themselves feel better like the kindness wasn’t enough, im with you there, just keep a small circle of people who appreciate it and not share kindness to others outside of it cuz there just selfish.

[@shanti888]

Dare to be kind...the world really needs it.

[@Lauriestrode1978]

The world doesn’t appreciate it at all, they just take advantage of anyone who has it and hurts them to make themselves feel better cuz their easy targets and hurt easily. The world doesn’t deserve kindness for that.

[@laurenl720]

Great video, I’m in this stage of life currently. ❤ figuring out how to be nice, but not too nice.

[@juliakristinamah]

Really glad you’re here. Thanks for watching.

[@alexandragarcia8776]

This video came up at the perfect time for me. I feel guilty about saying no to something I don't really want to do. I know logically that I don't have to feel guilty about it, but emotionally it's difficult

[@MEMORIA1316]

Man, I needed this! Julia pretty much described me as well as the previous 2 generations of women in my family. I don’t know if there’s a connection, but the people in my family who felt like they had to be the peacemaker and didn’t enforce their boundaries all passed away in their 50s and 60s. Obviously there could be other factors involved, but I have already had cancer and a stroke before the age of 60. Just something to think about.

[@joo2596]

It's always bothered me that as a kid I was taught how to be kind to others, but rarely how to do that for myself. My family is very conflict averse. I don't feel I get much support in situations where I've tried to set boundaries. I'm trying to unlearn what I've been taught as I don't think it's been good for me. I've been through a few unhealthy relationships, my sister among them. We haven't learnt how to handle disagreements because every time she gets upset I'm encouraged to put my feelings aside to keep the peace; Even when I'm the one being treated unfairly. It's only temporary peace though, putting it off to a later time. Things have escalated and I feel it's worse than it would have been if we'd been more open with each other from the start. Conflicts a part of life, by avoiding it we also don't give ourselves the chance to learn skills like how to resolve things and compromise.

[@joannaokenwa8571]

This damaged me, now I put toxic men first

[@daemon9737]

This is great stuff and excellent advice. Thanks.

[@Lesliefox2000]

This makes so much sense. There is no easy way out. It is about striking the right balance.

[@craigmerkey8518]

Thank you so much for all the amazing details! Prior to finishing my MA out of the country for an extended time, I remember having an unusual "conversation" with one of my long term clients regarding her interpretation of my "niceness". I felt that her interpretation of my niceness was associated as being naive. I did appreciate her concern, people are going to feel how they feel.... probably has little to do with me! If speaking respectfully and offering consistent service is labeled "nice"... that is my authentic self. You are welcome!

[@deepakp4059]

Your videos helped me a lot to build myself and to lead a good life. Thank you for your lovely support, and best wishes for your long, happy, healthy, prosperous life.May God bless you with all you want.

[@lrw4140]

First off love the style of the vid Julia. Second I’m guilty of them all and it’s hurt me throughout my life.😢. I’m grateful for the video and have been learning the content the hard way but I’m doing better with my self respect.😃

[@dk4885]

Love the calm, peaceful vibe here. Some other channels on similar subjects are filled with anger. I have several people in my life who do purposely try to trigger me. Two of them are controllers (in laws). Many of their tactics do work and they do do these things on purpose. Your talk on boundaries is helpful as well as to stop being so darn nice (I am guilty of each of these things you mentioned). I can now more clearly recognize when people DO do these things on purpose to create a reaction and the times others have triggered me unintentionally and I was so ripe to be triggered because of the other 2 who try purposely to trigger me to attempt to control me. This was very helpful. Any suggestions on how to deal with the people who are controllers and do try to trigger, demean, control, manipulate on purpose. It is SO damaging. :(

[@thegspotblog-everythinggen5460]

Thank you for support. ❤

[@adamfindlay7091]

Nice is relative im thinking. Youre right some " nice" things are self sabotaging. I do believe in forgiving. For ones own heart/etc.

[@tailtap2222]

EXCELLENT and INFORMATIVE. - thanks

[@deborahbloem1325]

Thank you so much for sharing Julia Kristina. Always a good reminder how to set boundaries. I have struggled many times in the past with people who crossed my boundaries. But I am learning.

[@VladislavBabbitt]

Stop giving chances to people who do not deserve it.

[@Mattheus217]

This video is full of good guidance, thank you. As I watch and listen, the ‘giving endless chances’ was one that stood out. I was in relationship with a woman who was skilled at using criticism, guilt, shame, etc. to bully me and basically invalidate boundaries. I’m not wallowing in victimhood, but finally recognized and learned about covert narcissism and toxic manipulation in relationship, appeals to emotion, etc. Anyway, the language you were using around 8:55 about the lots of chances, or saying, “we talked about this…. remember you agreed you would do this …” This can be used by a gaslighting person to confuse and disempower you. Especially if you are empathetic and don’t want to fight dirty. It wears you down and sucks your life energy. I’m on a healing and growth journey. Going forward I am prioritizing the balance. Are you adding to my life, or only taking? Are you willing to consider my wants and needs also, or are you going to just ignore them and take? I am learning red flags, and also green flags.

[@Marekcatholic]

Thank you Julia for another great video! :)

[@juliakristinamah]

As always - you are so welcome. Thanks for your support Marek.

[@Marekcatholic]

@@juliakristinamah I appreciate your comment Julia!

[@michelekurlan2580]

3rd point is so tough and it's the 🔑. Recognition is everything.

[@desireejames7808]

This is a great video leading to the Holidays, thanks.

[@sernishabhugwandeen323]

True im struggling so bad with emotions being a hsp feelings always havent been taken seriously

[@annaalm18]

Apart from the excellent content, your English is so beautiful, its so pure. How would you call this (non-)accent or where do people speak like this?

[@christinamarynicolemusic]

Thank you for this 🙏 you give such good advice!

[@ryanfanucchi3475]

Hi, Julia Kristina! I'm NOT nice anymore I'm assertive bordering on aggressive/RAGE-filled. My APRN thankfully discontinued Clonazepam but I'm still taking 5 Bipolar medications. I don't go to therapy anymore but I read/play the guitar all-the-time & workout 6 days a week at the gym. I feel like the Clonazepam masked my emotions for such a long time & I will never take that medication or any benzo again. I just try to think always & I don't understand people they're not logical so when something illogical gets said or others gaslight me, I explode! No therapists here in Chicago help, but Dr. Ramini on KZbin helps & I read her book "It's Not You" (2024). I like your videos as well, I just ordered Dr. Tracey Marks book "Bipolar Basics" today, though I started reading about the condition in '97 when I was diagnosed. Any books you'd recommend, therapy ones not necessarily Bipolar ones anymore? Thanks! 😁

[@jamesrebbechi5247]

Thank you. Couldn’t have heard this at a better time. x

[@banthatracks_gaffisticks]

Thank you for your dedication and support. You are appreciated.

[@stevecatanio8532]

You're right Julia.😊

[@karlasmith2230]

Your vids are always so helpful. Thank you!❤

[@genineespositophotography1793]

I just found you and I am loving all your videos!!

[@ValentinBrutusBura]

I'm nice usually but the thing is I play it straight always and I'm always highly productive. That's the thing about me ;;))

[@edwardboyle1381]

Thanks, Julia I can relate to this 100%.

[@birdie6916]

Thanks for this video. Very helpful and reassuring. Recently had an upsetting interaction with a sibling who posted something on social media after I asked her not to do so. When I told her it was not cool to have done this, I simply asked her again to ask me first before doing this because she crossed a boundary..again and the consequence is me not sharing things with her. She exploded and yelled and screamed at me. Full-on adult tantrum at the age of 48. How to deal with this? I haven't spoken to her much in the past week since this happened. She's bipolar and borderline so this plays into everything. My communication has been clean, clear, and classy---the problem is that she is neither of those attributes.

[@stefaniakonstantinidou981]

Distance yourself

[@catherinealvarado7237]

My eldest daughter is like this. She never remembers the times I was there for her. She only brings up the times when I failed her. She just kept bringing up all the stuff from her childhood where I was not the perfect parent. I finally told her, the only people who don’t make mistakes are the dead ones. Also, I take responsibility for every bad thing that ever happened to you. I am sorry, so I will not acknowledge these complaints about your childhood any more. If you continue bringing this up then I will simply ignore the conversation! She hasn’t brought this stuff up since then.

[@YanaHarvey-ph3wh]

That's a brilliant video, thank you so much Julia! You are absolutely right,we must not push a way our true feelings. Some time we give a lot of chances to our partners,specially if we are married to them for a long time.Yes, that's not right.That's happening a lot in emotionally abusive relationships.We have to confront them(but some of them can be very aggressive, so be careful),fix this problem, even with help of domestic abuse organisation.That will bring security to our selves with our children!!❤ from UK

[@aaronschmidt9753]

So concise! Subbed.

[@Emmy-l1w]

Thank you this is really helping me

[@mollyhankins6578]

I would love to know how to create boundaries with an in-law I first met 28 years ago. I was young, unhealed and unaware of boundaries back then. They have not treated me well. So now, how do I all of a sudden have boundaries with them? I do not see them often, but I believe they and their family may be covert narcissists. Would you consider a video on this topic? Thank you!

[@stefaniakonstantinidou981]

Y can start saying " I do not like demeaning jokes. Maybe u did not know that and that s why u did it. That s why I m saying it, to take it into account

[@JamesTrouten]

I think I've already been enrolled and your boot camp maybe not online here but in life in general haha funny funny thanks for all your help have a great night

[@juliakristinamah]

Thanks for being here. So glad you found it helpful!

[@ValentinBrutusBura]

Okay. Alright. All I have to give is Love that never dies. :)

[@JamesTrouten]

Thanks for your help with balancing self out❤

[@doggiesamson]

Hi Julia! Nive to meet you. I like listening. Thanks for your insights.

[@michaelazariah73]

Julia you are very pretty 😍 💕 and wise my great grandfather 👴 told me to be tougher and more selfish stop being so good and nice to the wrong people 😊 💖 ♥️

[@Nekotaku_TV]

Goes hand in hand with toxic positivity, which I hate. Or being fake to be nice. I can't be like that, but when punished for it I just shut up and withdraw instead. I for sure have had one major change in myself where I used to put a lot of people before myself in so many ways, now after having been damaged by that I have flipped it. I don't lie, but I pretend to be ok and ok with a lot of things in the sense that I don't address it or I keep quiet or withdraw as I mentioned, it is too scary a lot of the time, too much of a risk so I put up walls and separate myself. I've given up... I can't get close to humans anymore. It's too late, just hard to accept and keep myself from doing it by instinct. I could never forgive or forget without change... I don't know how time will change anything. It's not even my choice, it's automatic. Don't agree with the last point about having to be clean and classy all the time in those cases. Gotta be fair and express myself.

[@astrid4328]

then i am to nice...allways!

[@izabela1961]

100% agree. But what if those people are your clients or bosses who will just leave/fire you if you are assertive or not nice even if they are nasty? And you are without job anymore and lots of bills to pay?

[@TracyNewton-q3b]

Great topic. 👍💯. So what is it when I'm supporting an elderly man 95!with dementia, so the family can have breaks, go away etc, and they never ever say please, or as well thank you. Do I need a boundary here???? Thank you. 🙏🏼

[@karenrojas2275]

Hello! First time on the channel!!!

[@RickVilla-dt1iv]

Thank you

[@M-cm4ru]

Hey, I'm M 🌞 tots resonates very helpful

[@zion367]

Awesome video! I needed to hear this❤

[@cjpegman4789]

Thank you. Well said.

[@A_Me_Amy]

I will be friendly to the world and allow that to be my emnity with it, letting them and the spirit in them explain my emnity to them while I am just friendly. And nice. Because I want to. So i shall be seen eternally. Inside. Very Large Smile.

[@LSD-33166]

friendly enmity sounds like passive agressiion

[@Etherealvioletco]

Much needed thank you 🥹

[@patriciacadogan6568]

Thank you for this its really hitting home to me because that is what we were told as children to nice or be a good girl.

[@FelinaFairyphonic]

dear Julia Kristina, I´m a huge fan of yours! Would it be ok with you if I took parts of your videos to create self-improvement songs?

[@johndolan5923]

I wonder if the difference between being nice and being a good person, is that being nice is expecting something in return.... Thoughts?

[@queenv4340]

U not wrong I really agree

[@HassanAhmedberkia]

Hello Kristina

[@popposterboy]

I let it slide when I really should’ve slid 😮‍💨

[@azmike3572]

"You Didn't Have to be so Nice" (The Lovin' Spoonful, 1965)

[@joannaokenwa8571]

I always get scared that if im not percieved as nice people will hate me. Whenever I am my true self people say I look or feel intimidating and I don't want to be that so I try too hard and then they lose respect for me. Its a vicious cycle

[@peaceandquiet1983]

Ppl at work expect niceties and yet bahvelike absolute JERKS so I am mich better now at blatantly ignoring those around me or holding hard boundaries with direct bluntness. They either avoid me or gossip, gang stalk, and openly mock. It's baffling to me that adult educators behave this way, but I no longer acknowledge them. It used to hurt so much because I tried so much to "be nice" and interact with them. No more- very freeing!

[@raziya1213]

Hy please help me too whatever u saying is very true.i am right now going through this 😭😭

[@mumbaiblues2987]

I was always very stressed and confused. Wanted to be like others. Wanted to be rude to others like they were to me. But I came across someone who asked me “ how many people do you think are as emotional as you are?” “How many do you know are as sensitive as you”. I said “None”. That’s when he said your being emotional or sensitive is YOUR own super power. Try believing in it and stay believing it for the next 1 month. I did it and to my surprise I developed a sense of pride in myself (not in a negative way) and I started witnessing the same people reacting to me very respectfully. Yes it did take some time but I continued feeling great about being me.

[@rongike]

@@mumbaiblues2987 I would call that a sense of appreciation!

[@AndrewCail-k4n]

Andrew in Seatown

[@VladislavBabbitt]

Be neutral with kind benevolence as a base.

[@LSD-33166]

I could be a lot more psychopathic, sick of dealing with all the bs in this garbage society, i'm way too tolerant

[@midlife_momentum]

I stopped sending "thank you'" after interviews. 70% of people don't do it, so this should be acceptable, save some stamps

[@rosenberg6060]

Yes no means no.

[@jeannemarie3704]

"Yeah, no" Midwestern for "No"

[@clairebears2013]

Hi

[@lifeyunique]

Sometimes you can be all that and it's not enough towards racist people

[@PassivUser]

👍👍👍

[@Clevelandsteamer324]

Shadow work will heal this

[@clairebears2013]

V Boubreires non't work

[@danielfaithmade]

The wages of sin is death. All sin is offensive to God, it’s an act of rebellion. All sin is either punished in Christ Jesus, or apart from Him. Jesus laid down His life for us by taking on the full wrath of God upon Himself to make atonement of our sins. He was a substitutionary sacrifice. It should’ve been you, or me, but He chose to take our place. He died in our place and was judged for our sins, but after 3 days, He was resurrected. It’s up to you to accept what He did by giving your life to Him. If you reject Jesus, you’re choosing to pay for your own sins by suffering the eternal wrath of God after you die. However, God is faithful and just to forgive you if you turn to Jesus, not with lip service but with all your heart, and ask for forgiveness and repent, which means to forsake your sins. Because God is offended by sin, that means He is the ONLY one who can forgive sin. He will cleanse you of all unrighteousness and you will receive a new life. You will be “born again” in the words of Jesus.

[@LSD-33166]

We all die. What sins ??? ever heard of sociobiology

[@gyanprakashraj4062]

DONT SUPPORT PROSTITUTION AND DONT BE ONE....😂😂😂😂

[@ernestgonzalez7095]

I agree with a lot of what you are saying and respect you for saying clear, communication, classy. However what I don't agree with, and maybe you just don't know this perhaps you're not religious. You said you don't have to forgive and forget. I believe you do, it's actually a command from God, because he knows that we are imperfect and that we will make mistakes with each other. Actually if you don't forgive and forget, it's going to weigh on you because you'll be constantly thinking about this person whatever their name is did this to me...

[@LSD-33166]

You can do anything you want, you have free will