Why You Can't Break Up With the Anxiously-Attached: Chelsea & Jimmy - Love is Blind S6

[@jeisselima]

I want to go to Love is Blind just to have you analyse my relationship 😂

[@umikw3459]

I would do the same...just to get myself and how i relate with others analysed....😊

[@hellaSwankkyToo]

you could book a session w| her. LOL probably be a lot quicker. 😝🤓

[@BlackNella]

She does sessions-she analyzes individuals and couples. Details are in the description box.

[@beautyfrmwithin]

Yes, she does it for real-life couples! And her sessions are amazing!!!

[@DrCherieTypes]

Thank you! 🥰

[@TayWill102]

Thank you for calling Chelsea out for her behavior

[@sara_eliza]

I was so SHOCKED by how Chelsea was behaving and her interactions with Jimmy. I was in serious disbelief. She makes me believe this show needs a therapist to work with the couples.

[@pnwlady]

It totally needs a therapist. There’s no reason to let these people damage themselves for entertainment.

[@olive4naito]

Most therapists wouldn't agree to work with these couples because the premise of getting married in such a short time frame would go against most therapeutic principles. You're basically getting married to a stranger. No therapist can help these people.

[@dragonfriott]

They need to psychologically evaluate every cast member before they join the show.

[@Thepriestessdeath]

Lmfaoooo this show that pressures ppl to marry in a ridiculous short amount of time while semi isolating them and supplying and pressuring booze needs to have a couple therapist…yeaaa you all aren’t as sane and rational as you think…💀

[@Thepriestessdeath]

@@dragonfriottthey don’t care that Jeremy guy had a police report on him for dv…the show is unethical and clearly doesn’t do much background check

[@NFAnisha]

Chelsea reminds me of my friend with BPD. They will have a good time, but will follow it with a bad fight out of nowhere. They will say the meanest things and will say "Please don't go".

[@lolaispure4296]

I am JUST like that. I paid a HUGE price. Lost a man that i ABSOLUTELY loved. He is gone now. Sometimes i cannot believe it It's like a form of self sabotage. It HURTS that i said those mean things and he simply got over me. Because of that i am on a journey of self discovery.

[@javanjunkindahouse6625]

Good for you - huge step 😊

[@daisybarnholdt3297]

It does seem like she has some bpd traits, Im also surprised no one brought that up until now

[@inkassosjefen6315]

Its like the enderophines gets used up whenever one has fun and the landing is so hard. I used to be like that. (Now I stop myself from being very happy so I dont crash, i have to pull myself down abit before my mood gets too good)

[@NFAnisha]

@gigi_oh I kind of saw her insecure feeling when she chose Jimmy over Trevor (definitely she didn't know things about Trevor then). Seemed like she is more familiar with chase/conflict over secure affriming commitment. Another sign was her wanting to throw up whenever the guys showed their liking for her- it was overwhelming for her. Also, when she took Jimmy's silence as his rejection of her when she disclosed about her divorce, although Jimmy already had said he had a shcoking news from an earlier date.

[@NaneelQueenOfDarknes]

I personally think those of us with past trauma, should take more accountability for our actions. Not make excuses for them. But it really comes down to what kind of person you are. Do you want to try and work through your pain? or use it as a crutch.

[@MuseSunflower]

Love should feel like watering a plant. You want to give it the sun and hydration it needs, but it also needs ample space in order to thrive too Neediness and anxious attachment is like drowning your plant in water and suffocating it then being confused why it died

[@pnwlady]

Yes. It’s disheartening to see how many people blame Jimmy like he didn’t really try or care just because of the Meghan Fox thing. She made damn well sure her worst fears came true by how she behaved. Jimmy isn’t perfect but he did not make her that insecure in a day or 2 weeks. The story in her head is her problem, not Jimmy.

[@vinniepande1658]

this ones going in the notes app

[@MuseSunflower]

I am glad it inspired you :) @@vinniepande1658

[@MuseSunflower]

Yep! Her pre existing insecurities will always set people up to fail @@pnwlady

[@lizitaly3029]

@@pnwlady I love how you phrased it: “The story in her head is her problem, not Jimmy.” Very applicable to anyone with deeply unhealed trauma

[@hannahw2697]

I see a lot of myself in Chelsea. As I’ve gotten older, I’m more aware and actively working on changing my behaviors. But man did I spend 15 years of marriage letting my past trauma hurt my husband/family. 😢

[@yaycookiz]

I'm glad you are now healing :)

[@ltrees-lm5md]

I can relate. the hardest part is being in an argument and know that i'm being irrational and just dealing with my own pain, but I hate that I'm hurting the other person in the process.

[@facelessman5362]

Chelsea's feelings are her reality, even if they are inaccurate. Insecurities are really dangerous for relationships.

[@MomandBuggs]

It’s hell.

[@facelessman5362]

@@MomandBuggs Yea, Chelsea and Jimmy were extremely triggering for me to watch. I've had some of the same arguments almost verbatim in a past relationship. Dr.Cherie is spot on here. It took me a year AFTER the first time I tried to break up with her to finally let go. I don't blame her for her abandonment issues and insecurities she had a parent pass away as young but.. it was tough really tough. We even ended up in couples counseling and it was like I was being gaslit by her AND the counselor 😰

[@vinniepande1658]

@@facelessman5362​​⁠I totally feel for you, the counselor thing must’ve been rough I’m sorry :/ the worst part about dealing w people like this is realizing how charismatic/genuine they seem to others while being the only one who knows the truth. that on top of their lack of accountability can make it so ugh. it feels like you’re constantly screaming into a void until you realize you have free will and ~could~ just walk away lol. very liberating & I’m glad you were able to do so too!

[@MomandBuggs]

Chelsea should not be dating. She needs to heal her wounds. Chelsea is passive controlling. She’s seeking self worth, identity, survival through “other”. It’s not love. It’s “don’t leave me I hate you.” A trauma bond.

[@nuclearana]

i’m weirdly grateful for this season because it helped me recognize some similarities i have to how chelsea behaved. sometimes it can be difficult to notice and reflect on that stuff unless you see it from a different perspective

[@jadesmith417]

Thank you for mentioning the popular conceptions of attachment styles. I'm avoidant, and I've noticed this demonization of avoidant types that is spearheaded by some of the anxious attachments types. I'm not saying the anxious don't struggle with the avoidant, I'm just saying that the avoidant struggle against the anxious at the same time. Both of our attachment styles need professional help to become more secure.

[@connie27100]

When Chelsea says he gets upset over everything and she walks on eggshells around him, I'm thinking, what? When he asks for evidence, she just makes a face as a response. I wonder what Chelsea's childhood was like. It makes me curious about her attachments. She got let off the hook at the reunion.

[@Megan6772]

She gives to get. That's why she's angry and resentful. Speaking from experience 😬

[@lolaispure4296]

Those of us who lost good men because of this behaviour understand your video Although i am JUST like her i cannot defend her.

[@MsBranBoogie]

🤍🤍🤍

[@miriamdavis2988]

I agree 1000% i was also like this and it got me nowhere. Now that im older, i carry so much pain and guilt for acting like her. It really is dangerous being that unstable. I wish I would have made better choices and gotten the help i needed. I did get therapy which helped so much but had to stop when i switched jobs. Now, it's just hard to date. I feel like i lost my chance and now i gotta live alone to pay for my actions. What I do know is that i do feel sorry and i dont wish this on anyone.

[@pnwlady]

It takes courage and maturity to admit our flaws and work on them. 💜

[@lolaispure4296]

@@miriamdavis2988 yes i totally feel the same. But please do not give up on yourself. Nobody is ever broken beyond repair. If you can see your flaws you can work on them. Slowly. On your own time. And if it is true that you live alone maybe their is purpose in your mistakes. By teaching other women the importance of controling your anxiety and keeping positive thoughts in a new relationship. I wish you healing and acceptance. Give yourself some grace no matter what. Fear is a hell of a drug sometimes and makes us do all sorts of crazy things. Dont reject yourself over this. I love you, take care 🩷🩷

[@lolaispure4296]

@@pnwlady yes. I am grateful i got to a place of self awareness. I took a break from dating so i can build myself up again and be strong enough to accept that i am loveable and deserve a good relationship just like other people.🩷

[@BlackNella]

The emotional instability Chelsea displays is scary. She must have some serious trauma. I cannot believe they didn’t ask them more questions about all of this at the reunion.

[@rummagingchaos]

they really didn’t cover their relationship at ALL! i thought they were gonna get into her ass. she’s not a bad person but she showed her ass this season

[@amigadecachorros]

It seems like the producers probably had to promise not to poke at her in order to get her to show up. To speak plainly they gave her a crazy girlfriend edit. No one who had a nice life shows up like this. I’m glad they didn’t press her on this. Honestly she seems like she needs help, and the producers fed her to the wolves.

[@NOLA-le7rl]

And she seemed so normal in the pods???

[@beatsventura8813]

I heard shw did an interview recently, she spoke of how Jimmy was actually lying about seeing his friends, etc. it's hard to believe her, as her perspective is so skewed.

[@laurencebureau7677]

They probably didn't want her to sl*t her wr*sts in front of everyone in a prom dress.

[@BrkMcKnny]

She really put on such an act in the pods and acted like a completely different person in “real life”.

[@pnwlady]

Ya, misrepresenting oneself that much is so unethical. He even says after they meet, as long as you don’t change from how you were in the pods…

[@fisf.2148]

She’s probably bipolar

[@pnwlady]

@@fisf.2148 borderline. People confuse the two but perceptions of abandonment is the fundamental issue with BPD. And they will swing from happy to angry faster than someone with Bipolar. It’s not depression/manic. It’s more like mania, hurt or rage.

[@cass_sorrel]

I'm glad you're addressing the anxious side, as a lot of anxious folks I meet online and off tend to think they don't hurt or stress people with their "love" (read: coercive control). While avoidants who aren't in recovery often struggle with criticizing folks to create distance, I find that avoidants are often more aware that they are unskilled at love and vulnerability, whereas anxious attachers have a lot of pride and think they are GREAT at love and intimacy. (I've dated all insecure styles at some point and I find many avoidants will often tell you early on they don't know how to be in a relationship! Part of my recovery as a disorganized person was believing them and working on my own skills lol). In reality, all insecure attachments struggle with intimacy and vulnerability in relationships... Anxious folks who aren't in recovery avoid intimacy and trust in a different way than avoidant attachers who aren't in recovery do. They are two sides of the same coin and so many anxious folks I meet are CRUSHED when they FINALLY realize they are bad at closeness as much as avoidants are. Anxious folks who aren't in recovery often sabotage real intimacy and peace when they get it. They will struggle to admit it or just cannot see that they do this. I know so many anxious folks who think they are being vulnerable when they are doing the manipulative whiney sob stories and fighting that Chelsea is doing. But manipulation is not vulnerability. Vulnerability would be putting down the defenses and the character assassination attacks and instead talking to your partner honestly and kindly about what is going on for you and how their behavior affected you. I can't imagine Chelsea being that humble anytime soon. She relies on so much control.

[@MomandBuggs]

Bingo they both fear intimacy. That’s why they’re attracted to each other. They both are unavailable emotionally. They both have a need to control each other and keep each other at bay. With triangulation, confusion and non communication. That’s why they accuse each other. They can’t be vulnerable it’s not safe. They are mirrors of each other.

[@olive4naito]

She's a fearful avoidant who leans anxious. She back-peddles when being pursued and chases when people back away. It's caused by her tendency to want to initially ignore her own need for validation by saying she's easy going and uncomplicated to appeal her character. But because she's not being authentic and because she has past traumas, when things are looking up in a relationship, her bottled up resentment surfaces in the form of trust issues. That's why she makes stuff up because her mind has repressed memories and trauma. She's not able to tell the difference between her past boyfriends and the person she's presently dating. And it may have to do with being told that men are all the same and they just want an uncomplicated simple woman. She needs to deal with all the misogynistic ideas that poison her mind.

[@loveislouderrrrr]

👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾 ding ding ding

[@javanjunkindahouse6625]

I actually have a friend like this ( she’s been to counselling so that’s helped a lot) and it’s all of what you are saying. I could not (and sometimes still can’t) tell her things and feel safe. When younger she would become jealous and throw out something I told her in confidence and I would be so embarrassed. For a long time she blamed it on being the type to just always put their foot in their mouth and say things without thinking. I agree that’s part of it but I also see it as a lot more calculated at times. This info helps put some things into perspective - thank you so much

[@TheSerendipia]

That woman triggered me so quick, if I were Jimmy I would have left on the second fight 😂

[@Le_Confuzzlement]

I feel like these two inadvertently brought out the worst in each other. They wronged each other alot, but I feel like Chelsea was a little more in the wrong because how she was portrayed on the show seemed so... emotionally taxing to deal with

[@observer5864]

"So just take it"🤢🤢 she is just a bully

[@Thepriestessdeath]

Projection 💀

[@JasKhalid]

Man she is so toxic. I hope she gets the help she very much needs

[@Void0420]

I avoid people like Chelsea like the plague I do not have the mental space, nor the time for that kind of behaviour.

[@rcplease]

Yes!! So grateful for this call out about anxious attachment (and naming that anxious, avoidant, and fearful attachment all have some version of the hot/cold, push/pull), especially the weaponizing of generosity and amassing of resentment that underlies so much bad behavior. There’s no use in giving something freely to turn around and list out all the costs associated with that giving. If it were that expensive, then it shouldn’t have been on offer.

[@sophiestanza]

The weaponizing of generosity part; are you saying that’s typical for specifically anxious attachment, or is that common for all of the categories (except secure)?

[@rcplease]

@@sophiestanza great question! I see how the grammar didn’t help in this case. I meant it specifically in relation to anxious attachment being that this attachment style is often associated with excessive bids for closeness and connection in order to win and/or maintain affection. This can often look like being very selfless, generous, pleasing, etc. Of course, resentment is not only limited to anxious attachment neither is weaponizing generosity. Even those who may be categorized as secure can exhibit these behaviors. I was thinking more in terms of frequency and intensity when I made that claim. But it is important to say that attachment anxiety and avoidance exist on a continuum and any individual can utilize these relationship strategies at any given time regardless of how they may be categorized. I hope this helps!

[@motheryuba57]

This one really hit home because I have anxious attachment too. It's been very eye-opening to see Chelsea in action and have it explained in this way. We do have to be fully accountable for our behaviors. Their whole relationship seemed doomed from the beginning though. I would like to see videos showing an anxiously attached person with a secure attached partner to see how they navigate through. I was coached to take regular breaks/pauses to get back in reconnection with myself. I recently attempted to be in relationship with another anxiously attached person and many times when I asked for space to relax and get centered the anxious partner would follow me and ask to stay with me. Even though I desperately wanted space I repeatedly gave in. So I had no boundaries. I feel like I need to write myself giant flash cards to remind myself how to act like a more healthy/adult like person. It is a learning process and videos like this are extremely helpful. I thoroughly enjoy your analysis. I hope you do lots more on attachment styles and how to heal from our woundedness.

[@beatsventura8813]

Through relationships, we learn so much about ourselves. When I was younger, I often wanted to spend all my time with my boyfriend. I didn't feel secure otherwise. However, I also had a boyfriend who was abusive and controlling, who would watch my miles, and accuse me of cheating all the time. I mistook all this for love, but I eventually got the courage to end it. I spent a lot of time on my own, trying to heal, and went to therapy. Watching this literally gave me the chills, although my ex was far worse. Boundaries are super important. I personally have a boundary when dating, that I will not participate in any type of " checking in" . The man I started seeing recently, would like to text me at night, without much to say. He was basically checking where I was, as he told me he had trust issues,etc. I told him that I would not participate in this type of controlling behavior. He needs to figure out his own issues with a therapist, not place them on me. I nipped it in the bud, not giving it any air to escalate and grow into unhealthy patterns. It's like you have to teach people how you expect to be treated. I expect complete trust , therefore I will not appease you when you lack it.

[@Porcelynnn]

Where and when was Chelsea nurturing 😂😂😂

[@beatsventura8813]

I was thinking the same

[@beatsventura8813]

I was thinking the same

[@DanieB322]

Exactly. It was a very selfish love. You have to be obsessed with her but she doesn’t give you anything. She’s just clingy.

[@TheMaltebella]

Thank you! They are dangerous. I have a very close friend who has a partner just like Chelsea. I cannot stand her! Everything you said about Chelsea I've told him. I just had to make the decision to not say anything anymore when he chooses to talk about her. I just sit there and listen and say nothing. The group of us have flat-out had to tell him that she is not invited to anything we do anymore. It had gotten to the point where she was making me want to run and leave a cartoon cut out in the wall to get away from her.

[@alyshalight9762]

I appreciate your take on how anxiously attached people are often portrayed as the "victims" and, therefore, typically get more sympathy. We don't talk about that enough. In Chelsea's case, I believe it's less about her being "appeased" by Jimmy threatening to leave her and more about her attachment wound being "triggered." She has a subconscious belief that people will leave her (i.e. fear of abandonment), hence why she's hypervigilant in looking for issues and self-sabotaging moments when things are seemingly fine. It's a vicious cycle and I've been there. For his part, Jimmy is conflict-avoidant and co-dependent, so he likely didn't see conflict resolution and healthy boundaries modeled for him growing up. They are mirrors of each other.

[@beatsventura8813]

Well said. You captured exactly how I see this. Chelsea's fear of being abandoned made her hyper vigilant, so she sabotaged the relationship. In their second fight, she was triggered by Jimmy seeing a photo of Jessica. This is what precipitated the " you don't kiss me enough, you don't love me" fight. In her head, she decided : Jimmy saw a picture of Jessica, now he thinks she is more attractive and regrets not choosing her, and he will ultimately leave her. So this compelled her to instigate a fight with Jimmy. I don't understand why she she couldn't just say " now that you saw what Jessica looked like, I'm fearful you find her more attractive, and you will leave me". Then Jimmy could reassure her.

[@Sarajb517]

He doesn’t like her and she’s picking up on it. His actions and words don’t match. I can see how that’s destabilizing

[@MomandBuggs]

@@Sarajb517He didn’t destabilize her. It actually had nothing to do with him.

[@deveshaq9306]

As an avoidant, Chelsea is cringe.Funnily enough, I used to be like that before I became avoidant. When she picks fights she wants Jimmy to chase her. She needs him to reassure her that no matter how angry or emotionally ugly she gets that he will stand by her and fight for her. I see my past self in her. She is so used to chasing and rarely being pursued. I can speak for myself and say that if Jimmy would have given in- she would squash him like a bug. Girls like that want to feel safe enough with a man to become the villian who hurt them. The seek power not love

[@beatsventura8813]

Wow, they seek power, not love, how right you are

[@celinepohl5652]

I'm also Fe inferior and the part with surveying feelings and values outside resonated so much with me. Always felt bad how clueless I am about my own feelings. Taking decision in relationships is so hard that way.

[@issabradshaw2877]

Just discovered you recently. Love your analysis

[@miriamdavis2988]

This relationship was exactly how my ex and i were (years back in my mid 20s) i felt i did so much but i was also really angry. On his side, he was super avoidant. My roommate at the time would say he had no spine. He wouldnt give me anything! He was just very sweet but other than that, he wouldnt do anything to make our relationship or me feel strong and safe. I had a lot of anger (and still do but now i dont date) my anger came from child trauma and not feeling wanted. When deep down, I'm extremly sensitive and emotional. These 2 type of personalities can never cohexist.

[@beatsventura8813]

Chelsea reminds me of my abusive ex. In my young adult life, i was engaged to a man who became super controlling and abusive. He would pick fights at parties, or when friends and family was around. He intentionally held in whatever delusion he was having about me cheating in him, lying etc, and calculated the timing to bring it up. This was usually when i was happy, and all was going well . I think he wanted to humiliate me in front of people. Do you think Chelsea is trying to do the same, humiliate him in front of the public?

[@rcplease]

The point you made about Fe inferior function and black and white thinking around conflict definitely seems like something that could lead to premature relationship termination. In that respect, Chelsea was right about Jimmy. Everything else… YIKES. I hope she’s working on herself!

[@ericaavery9382]

I was in a relationship with a super anxiously attached person just like Chelsea FOR 6 YEARS 😭 it's eerie how accurate your assessment is. I was SO compelled to stay because I felt like I worked so hard and I ALWAYS said "his problem is fixable." Thanks for helping me continue to wake up to the problems in that relationship.

[@Shishycat]

Thanks for your great analysis. I really wanted to understand her better and that was helpful. She was so toxic and I was worried he was going to go forward, thinking he was the problem. I appreciate your thoughtful and compassionate explanation.

[@armutable]

You nailed it again Dr. Cherie! So thorough, especially the assumption about her talking about AD behind camera-Jimmy’s comment makes sense now. I was appalled with double standards of Chelsea, if Jimmy would behave the way she does or talk with Jess the way she did with Trevor, she’d be LIVID. How is it possible she cannot see that? Why is she not able to take accountability or truly apologize? Is it a sensitive ego or her functions? Chelsea is an outstanding character, one rarely comes across someone so confident in their delulu.

[@CraftyComeLately]

The whole best friend who commented so much about his sex habits, like how he cries after sex and never turns down sex is not just a friend. And why did Jimmy put her on tv...why not male friends, family, coworkers?

[@gratefulheart5454]

Yeah, I don't like Jimmy at all. He seems immature and knows how to take emotional advantage of someone like Chelsea. That was a crappy thing to do to bring an ex lover on the show and she was supposed to be ok with it. Of course not. This explains why that girl was dressed so provocative in my opinion. I thought it was weird. But I just found out through this video it was the girl he slept with. Jimmy is a doofus and just wanted a way out of the relationship to begin with. The anxious attachment in Chelsea is when she betrays herself and doesn't just leave this immature man.

[@pnwlady]

That is not how she said it. It was more like a question than a confirmation. People want it to be something it wasn’t to make Jimmy the bad guy, when Chelsea is the one continuously behaving poorly. Even the AD stacked thing. She said “I said it so he can” confirming Jimmy’s account that she said it to him and he was confirming it on camera. She has no accountability.

[@beatsventura8813]

@@pnwlady exactly. Jimmy was honest, to a fault by revealing everything to Chelsea. Sometimes I'm not sure some people watched the same show as I did, as I have sympathy for Jimmy and find Chelsea is to be completely dishonest, selfish, accusatory, clingy, and hostile.

[@pnwlady]

@@beatsventura8813 💯

[@HostileWorkplaceEXPOSED]

Wow, I just watched two of your videos and you are the best describer of people's personality that I have ever seen. I am blown away. I can't believe you're subscriber is not much higher. I am confused by your letters but the way you describe things is absolutely amazing. It is so clear and how you show the reactions. 55 and just found out that I might be autistic so this blows me away but also explain so much in my life. Keep up the great work. With my ADHD I will be watching your videos until I view them all. Thanks again

[@DrCherieTypes]

Thank you for your kind words 🙏

[@eponymous2684]

Amazing observations! I couldn't put it into words and concepts but could tell when she was acting inappropriately.

[@lizitaly3029]

You released this video 2 days ago and I have watched it at least 3 times since. I keep learning new details from your observations! You have such a keen eye for these details and sounds like lots of real world experiences to inform your understanding of these people’s actions/thoughts

[@giohy12]

Thank you for pointing out how avoidants are always portrait as the "bad ones", so true

[@rcplease]

Yay!!! So much dr. Cherie content. I am in heaven!!

[@SundaysSound]

Your explanations to the different behaviours are so clear and understandable and I love that you use reality TV as example for attachment styles, personality types and other psychological topics. Thank you!

[@julissamata3816]

Amazing! I learn so much

[@VeeV.-mf9gx]

This was amazingly educational. New sub!

[@michellegrantvaughn1561]

Another excellent analysis Dr Cherie. I am so glad you discussed the anxious type in this context because you brought to light the dysfunctional aspects there and it’s usually easier ( at least for me) to see the avoidant’s problematic behavior. It was fascinating!

[@Rebjh]

Great analysis!!

[@breemds]

Love the inclusion of attachment theory 🎉

[@soyandoat4106]

thank you so much for this video! Love love love your analysis so much

[@jackeeB]

Great analysis 👍🏾

[@fisf.2148]

Excellent analysis

[@sallyomae9262]

This was eye-opening. Thank you so much for sharing!

[@j.d.392]

Obsessed with your channel!! Keep up the amazing work. Very Insightful breakdown

[@MsLovely319]

Incredibly insightful! I think you're spot on!

[@Juniperberrie25]

Another great video. Although, I would’ve thought she was a fearful avoidant? Hence her hot and cold approach - she’s miserable when you’re close (avoidant) and clingy when you’re far (anxious).

[@MoschinoAmore]

Anxious protest behavior in the form of picking fights as an indirect bid for Jimmy to reassure her is not the same thing as avoidant or fearful-avoidant attachment (though someone with fearful-avoidant attachment could pick a fight for a different reason). All insecure attachment styles include elements of anxiety and avoidance and hot and cold behavior, as Dr. Cherie pointed out. But we don’t see any actual pulling away by Chelsea. It’s evident that Chelsea is anxious-preoccupied when she says things like she’s going to stay at her place during a fight and when Jimmy responds that he’s going to go stay at his place, that she only said that not because she needs to pull back and take space for herself, but to get Jimmy to chase and reassure her. Therefore, it’s anxious protest behavior, not avoidant attachment behavior.

[@Juniperberrie25]

@@MoschinoAmore ah ok, I understand. Thank you

[@inthedetails5467]

A lot of people think Jimmy is avoidant, which might be true, but I think anyone would be with a relationship with someone as insecure and clingy as Chelsea. He is trying to show up for her, give her reassurance, and still give her a chance despite not being fully attracted to her initially. Chelsea cannot be reasoned with and becomes emotionally abusive and manipulative. Jimmy, or anyone in this situation, would slowly become avoidant because none of their effort is appreciated and constantly feel like the villain to appease Chelsea’s irrational fears and victim mentality. It’s an unwinnable relationship and the thing is, trying to healthily break it off with someone like Chelsea is probably very difficult and confusing, which is part of her emotional abuse cycle. Not justifying cheating, but it wouldn’t surprise me if some of her exes cheated on her with the intention of getting caught just to blow up the relationship because trying to do so in a way to let her down gently felt impossible because she would manipulate them into staying.

[@wild3812]

Except that he wasn’t attracted to her

[@passionaterebellion]

Omg Dr. Cherie is so good at this! I want her to diagnose me

[@lisabrightly]

How can they throw around the word "love" so much??? They're juvenile. It's not possible to Iove" anyone after such a brief period of time plus during a semi scripted show. I don't know but every time I Listen to these people I think they're either lying, delusional or crazy.

[@beatsventura8813]

Exactly, these two are not in love. I know what being in love looks like, and it's definitely not Chelsea and Jimmy.

[@bluelotus8404]

I have just found your channel and find it very informative. Thank fior these deep dives. I have often wondered what would have been the best matches among the entire group. For example, would Clayton be better for Jessica. You analysis has been very thought provoking.

[@kylabrown9771]

This is an AMAZING breakdown !!

[@lencivargas]

They both handle conflict terribly.

[@sacmakiz]

chelsea and jimmy talk on nick vial show and it is clear that he wasn't setting clear boundaries with his girlfriends and that was a big issue for chelsea. chelsea was drunk during these arguments, the speed-date-marriage show brought out the worst in her, and i agree with your analysis on "an anxiously attached person will attack you the most when they feel safe with you" but why she wasn't feeling safe with jimmy was on jimmy hence the toxicity between them was a dance created and shared by both of them and the show did not show that side of jimmy therefore we are left with overreacting chelsea. which is unfair to her as a human being. jimmy was lying to keep the peace (inferior fe) and chelsea could sniff that off and act on it. his lies were just as bad as chelsea acting out on jimmy.

[@dirierpombo9779]

I love when an avoidant shows shitty behavior is always the fault of the avoidant, but if an anxious shown shitty behavior is always the fault of the other.

[@sacmakiz]

@@dirierpombo9779 chelsea admits it though whereas jimmy does not take accountability on his hurtful behavior. why would you force your future wife to hold a secret that is disrespectful your current relationship with her? how is that fair? and to use that as the reason to end the relationship is gaslighting on its own. chelsea is right, his words does not match his actions and whether avoidant or not, jimmy doesn't take accountability on that and that's the problem still to this day. so it is not about "avoidant vs anxious" in this case only, this video is about two individuals' story we watched the edited version so I am talking about these two people's dynamic, my comment is not a theoretical attachment literature so your response is dismissing a valid concern, just because... "avoidant gets a bad rep?" well then... why though? will they respond to it from an authentic place or dismiss it "just because anxious made me do it!" ?? when his actions were the source of that dysfunctional behavior also...

[@amandinedelamare4237]

@@sacmakiz Chelsea did and does not take any accountability if she says I was this way because Jimmy was this way... It is NOT accountability... She is still blaming the other one or the editing... She is justifying her behaviour. If she was taking accountability, she would say:" of course there is an editing that highlights my behaviour but seeing this on camera made me realized that I had an issue and I needed to work on myself! I have started therapy and i am working on myself to become a better version of myself!" PERIOD! If Jimmy's behaviour is outrageous, then either have an healthy communication to address the issue or leave someone that is not for you!

[@sacmakiz]

@@amandinedelamare4237 Well.. she did say that. on multiple times, on different outlets and she also said she is in therapy, she regrets how she "begged" him to stay... She has a whole different point of view about herself in dating and also she takes the backlash with light hearted manner which I admire. whereas jimmy is out there partying and telling people to "shush" because he doesn't want to look like a party boy, doesn't respond to a question authentically and keeps chelsea in friendzone to keep from from speaking up more of his "dirty laundry"( just watch the podcast on nick viall) remember how many times he compared himself to other couples and said they are the best and one of his reason to end things was "you compared us to amy and johnny and said they are better than us" ? jimmy is there to get attention, not to be a partner to someone. so that's his actions not matching his words every single second " i luv yuu" to chelsea. it'd drive me insane too honestly. also, i cannot understand how someone wants to break things off if you don't believe their "i love you" like jimmy told chelsea multiple times... where is the nurture and loving kindness in that if it was really "love" you had for that person? i just saw jimmy posted on his instagram "i haven't been to therapy because i have great friends let me vent" really? this is what therapy is for? this guy just likes adoration and the second someone doesn't "believe" him, it threatens his authority and something switches in him and he says hurtful things to the women he was with from there on i.e. calling jessica "mean girl" i wouldn't wanna deal with someone who acted like chelsea on this show yes, but i also don't think jimmy was in any way shape or form close to someone healthy. he was a manchild and he will remain as one.

[@oksanaml9279]

​@@sacmakizand word on the street is that Jimmy was so protective if hus friend is because she was married.

[@Inprogress_of_newbeginings]

Im disorganized attached, and there's a part of me that is 💯% Chelsy, i just try to keep it hidden for fear of apparing psycho. I am single now, and I now know, I had no business being in relationships before the self-healing process I have been on the last 3 years.

[@Selsmittenxo]

Its scary because im in the teansition phase after breaking up. It feels relieving but so hard at the same time 😢 i want to date but have been hurt so much like chelsea that ive been reacting a lot lately rather than responding rationally like i used to. Ugh

[@Inprogress_of_newbeginings]

@@Selsmittenxo I think you need to find compassion with yourself 1st. Then do some shadow work. All the best

[@outoficecream2740]

I would assume that Chelsea was more on the preoccupied attachment... as she is very messy unstable. She make thinks up to pick a fight and then avoid her responsibility, plus this need of reassuring every single second and multiple time . The word clingy has her and Darcey photo. Exhausting thanks for calling her behavior out!

[@olive4naito]

The need for reassurance comes from behaviors that she prompts in her partner. It was weird to watch because he mostly took cues from her as to what was appropriate behavior and then got attacked for it like when she described people physically but got mad when he did. That means she thinks women can act a certain way but men cannot. That is problematic because even she doesn't see what's happening.

[@oekmama]

You‘ve given words to exactly what we felt was wrong with that relationship. Do you have any book or papers outlining your analysis techniques?

[@loveislouderrrrr]

Omg I feel personally attacked. This was lowkey me in my last relationship. He dumped me y’all but he popped back up again nearly a year later- I didn’t respond tho😅

[@MaggieBoy12345]

Chelsea's tendencies stem from her core belief that she is unlovable (as she states in one of her voiceovers) . Given that, I think the biggest way for Chelsea to grow would be to acknowledge that her excessive displays of affection (i.e. "I give you all of me") are actually selfish, not selfless. She showers a partner with affection because she doesn't believe that she'll be loved for who she is as a person. After doing so, she then uses that as a cudgel against her partner, demanding that they match that same level of neediness in order to reassure her that she is loved. It's a trap because, even if a partner is willing to play this game, that means that they're falling in love with Chelsea's displays of affection (i.e. "I love how you love me") rather than her personality/character. In this sense, Chelsea's belief that she is unlovable becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Until Chelsea acknowledges her selfish need for reassurance due to her insecurities, she's going to keep spinning her relationships as "I give everything and no one appreciates me", which is missing the point entirely. It also allows her to keep accusing men of everything whilst absolving herself of any need for self-growth. Unfortunately, it seems like her circle of friends validates her current worldview, and I could see Chelsea excommunicating old friends who tried to be more honest with her.

[@DanaDoes]

No wonder she was so triggering for me to watch. She acts just like my ex-husband. That marriage was a 3-year nightmare that I thankfully was able to escape. Even how she told Jimmy she has to walk on eggshells around him. I was walking on eggshells around my husband every day but he told me that he was the one walking on eggshells. Weird, because he was the one that would rant at me for hours about what a horrible and selfish person I was, throw and break things, and call me names. It was always hard to tell what the fights were even about, he would be all over the place with accusations. Sometimes he would dream that I had done something and want to punish me for that. Truly psychotic. I reached a point where I just let him scream it all out and tell him I was sorry. That never worked either. He was never satisfied. If I had the money and somewhere to escape to, I would have left him right away. He waited to show me this side of himself until I was in a position where I couldn't leave. The toll it took on my health was brutal. I'm just over two years free, still financially struggling, but I am free of him.

[@AiResearcherPhD]

Thank you for sharing this. You have escaped with your life. Did you have any children witnessing this? My dad would be accused of false situations that seems real to my mom. When my dad stopped arguing back he just said sorry too. So for a long time I thought dad was the bad one. My dad had the finances to leave but was still emotionally trapped. She went to get her brain MRI to prove there are no damages, hence no need for therapy. She used me as a reason to stay together. It was a sad that I thought she was the hero.

[@DanaDoes]

@@AiResearcherPhD I'm so sorry you had to grow up with that dynamic. It's great you see through it now. A lot of people never do. And, isn't it amazing how they can shield the truth by demonizing their partner? Interesting your mom thought a brain scan proved she didn't need therapy, if only it were that easy to tell. I'm so sorry your dad didn't leave. My grandma treated my grandpa the same way and he stayed because he felt like he owed her. Ugh. She twisted everything to make herself the victim. She even degraded him on his deathbed right before he passed. Terrible woman. I thankfully didn't have kids with my ex-husband. When we were dating and he was kind and supportive, I couldn't wait to have a family with him. After his true nature emerged, I didn't want him near me. I'm not attracted to being degraded. Turns me off in every way. I most likely wasted the last of my fertile years in that marriage. But, that's where my choices led me.

[@AiResearcherPhD]

Thank you for sharing your mental scars. Your grandfather is likely to be relieved that he’s finally free. you escaped with your life. He didn’t sadly. I’m glad you’re moving on. My mom is simple person who grew up with an abusive father. my dad didn’t see her mental instability until after marriage. It’s so hard to know these things when we are young and inexperienced. I appreciated this chat, thank you.

[@loveislouderrrrr]

I have to see the way Chelsea behaves in all of her relationships. I do believe in attachment styles but I do think that the way someone else engages with you is important. I have been in relationships where I’m not anxious AT ALL. And I never thot of myself as anxious until I dated someone who might be DA. I was able to manage it but I would have my Chelsea moments. Jimmy DID NOT want Chelsea deep down, if we picked up on that then why wouldn’t she? So of course her nervous system was activated.

[@FishareFriendsNotFood972]

I just see scorn in the way Jimmy treats her, no actual empathy. Even when he's being comforting, it reads as coming from the place of 'placate the crazy lady, look at me being the nice guy' than 'wow, I feel so bad I made the woman I love feel bad, her pain is killing me too'. And because the viewer is encouraged to identify with Jimmy, we feel strong scorn for Chelsea too. We forget Chelsea was RIGHT to be insecure in the attachment. That is NOT defending her behavior, but I really don't think there is a way to be securely attached to a Jimmy type, he just prefers to have contempt for his female partner. You hear this in how he talked about his other pod date, Jessica, (he called her a 'mean girl'), or how he minimized his ex that he slept with (oh, come on, it wasn't a real relationship, no big deal...) or how he objectified AD to her face. This man minimizes and talks down literally every woman we have seen him around. And I think he picks women who read as insecure so he can have more control in the relationship, that's why he reacted really badly the second Jessica started calling him out for being wishy washy. He punishes standing up for yourself. In conclusion, they both were toxic and I think we don't notice how much Jimmy actively made Chelsea's attachment wounds flare up and brought out the worst in her. I know I was a wildly different partner with bad matches than with good matches. It wasn't so much that I was broken, I just needed to walk away and find someone else. 🙂

[@barbarabuttler7647]

Well said!

[@FishareFriendsNotFood972]

@@barbarabuttler7647 Thank you! I know so many Jimmys, they all want to date ONLY "cool girls" who never, ever ask for reassurance or call them out. The blame is always pinned on their girlfriends when they finally explode. So watching that now happen to Chelsea, who is not a 'cool girl'...just gives me empathy for her. She does need healing, but she's not the villain.

[@lolaispure4296]

You are missing the lesson by taking her side.

[@acquadiamore]

Exactly, she definitely is insecurely attached, but there is no way to possibly be securely attached with this man. People can buoy you up or down, and all this man can do is bring her down. Yes, she has some room to grow, and she needs to do that either alone or after sometime with a secure partner.

[@lilyxo6914]

Yeah but no one is forcing Chelsea to stay with Jimmy. If she took the time to look at her triggers, work on her anxiety, and communicate better she would have better results. It’s not Jimmy’s fault that she’s triggered. It’s her responsibility to leave when she is not being fulfilled instead of picking fights and lying. Accountability matters

[@8thhousealchemist600]

Chelsea will never let anyone love her until she dedicates a few years to therapy to reset her inner monolog.

[@BriannaVilleda-t5q]

Can you break down any of the characters you believe to be INFJ? Also, are you familiar with the enneagram?

[@Fkiria]

I was just thinking the same thing!

[@BriannaVilleda-t5q]

@@Fkiriathe enneagram or infj? I do feel like the enneagram can alter how we see people! For example, an enneagram 7 ESFP and an enneagram 9 ESFP will look a lot different. 9’s appear to be Fe users but I know so many that are Fi users.

[@Fkiria]

@@BriannaVilleda-t5q I meant more so the INFJ. I actually don't know much about enneagrams, but that sounds interesting. I want to look into it now.

[@grajo9572]

are you going to analyze LIB UK? or mexico ?

[@no.6377]

I'll admit I saw myself in Chelsea and was quick to defend her. But your analysis really highlighted some things that have given me food for thought. Also, since I didn't actually watch her season, you put some things into perspective that made Jim seem far less manipulative than I thought based on the circulating scenes e.g. I had no idea Chelsea was still friends with her ex, and apparently so close she FaceTimed him right after getting engaged? But then she has such a problem with Jim being friends with a one night stand🤔

[@lisabrightly]

Chelsea begs so much. It's exhausting.

[@Meeew6996]

Unfortunately I am just like Chelsea in many ways and I hate to admit it. My partner is far from perfect but I can only control how I am. Unlike Chelsea I take accountability and I want to change but it’s so difficult. Please how can I change ? I have a lot of trauma and have been in therapy since I was 5 years old and am about to start again next week, where should I begin if this is one of my main concerns? I don’t want my relationship to break down for the sake of my family. I need to know that I am trying my best.

[@MyLifeAsDele]

UK 🇬🇧 is here ☺️

[@therealcinnimo]

I hope she sees this

[@SaccharineCHNOS]

Will you ever do a video on the ENFP type? It seems like there are never any on dating shows?

[@andreeanasca8216]

but Jimmy was not attracted to her from the beginning. He absolutely was saying one thing and doing another. The lack of his congruency is was triggered her attachment trauma

[@violet18]

I believe someone's anxious attachment style will be present regardless of the partner. She has to understand what's going on for her and have self-control because she wants to be enmeshed.

[@andreeanasca8216]

@@violet18 I disagree, a securely attached person knows how to emotionally attune to another person. The lack of attraction for her was going to trigger insecurity in anyone.

[@hmmm2564]

​@@andreeanasca8216but not this extreme..I healed person would have left relationship instead of dragging it out

[@hmmm2564]

​@@andreeanasca8216but not this extreme..I healed person would have left relationship instead of dragging it out

[@kellysmith4343]

Can you do married at first sight?

[@TheDiamondEdge1]

Ugh I was involved with an anxiously attached person who made my life a misery. He’d leave home in the morning and ring me straight away and I’d be like what is there to talk about it’s 6am and he’d say ‘why don’t you want to talk to me?’ I’m not a morning person and needed time to wake up but he took it as I didn’t love him. He’s someone else’s problem now after he cheated. 🤷🏼‍♀️

[@cmiller415]

Chelsea is clingy, but she seems more needy. I guess it wouldn’t have mattered which word he used to describe her, she wouldn’t have been happy. I wonder if she wonders why her relationships never work out. Being in a relationship with her would be absolutely exhausting.

[@shallnoTfear]

Anxious Attachment people ironically push people away trying to get them to behave in a way they need for safety. We have to learn to self soothe and also learn to ask for what we need.

[@Lenastar23]

Spot on.

[@karlaolson6238]

She needs to love herself and be happy in herself

[@julest5767]

in her post-show interviews, she says she doesn't regret anything, that all her feelings were valid and that she regrets only how she said some things. sad

[@joeconnordeck4922]

Can you pleeaaase do the Perfect Match season 2 😭😭

[@kantui525]

Am I the only one here who finds Jimmy's behaviors kinda sus throughout the whole TV show and sees why Chelsea's insecure or do I have some unresolved stuff I need to process? It seemed like the entire show he was unsure and trying to play it cool about having Chosen Chelsea over the other girl. I get why that would trigger Chelsea's insecure attachment with such high stakes (they're literally on a time crunch to figure out if they wanna get married). Her reactions were extreme and definitely not okay, but I see why they were triggered.

[@AnimalsDressedasHumans]

Sus maybe. But I look at Chelsea lying about him being out with Jess (I think we all know no one told her he was with Jess), and other things like her crying when he had a fairly chill reaction to her being divorced, which was before anything sus or controversial with him really happened. When she was asked “He acted weird?” She replied she didn’t even know. Just extreme reactions to where the relationship was always gonna be a mess whether her partner was sloppy or not

[@SoSoSteph]

Jimmy got an excellent edit.

[@runfromwolves]

Obviously Chelsea is very insecure and unstable BUT just because someone says something doesn’t mean it’s true. I think it was pretty obvious Jimmy didn’t like her at the reveal but he didn’t want to be this superficial guy on tv so he went with it. The only time his eyes lit up was when Chelsea told him she looked like Meghan fox, that’s why he chose her over ‘more complicated’ Jessica with her daughter. I’m sure he wasn’t gonna say yes to Chelsea at the alter even if their relationship was great, so it was convenient that she made it so easy for him to find all those excuses why he didn’t want to marry her. But I think she felt he didn’t truly love her that’s why she was spiralling out of control

[@naryainc]

What personality type is Chelsea?

[@cholehill8638]

this women was crazy jealous of Jess....all her fights involved Jess, and her her thinking Jimmie wanted to be with Jess..and a good point was made, why did this wild behaviour not show it self in the pods??

[@AiResearcherPhD]

This is explained in part 1. Trevor calms Chelsea’s insecurities.

[@steady8712]

Bunny Boiler

[@StarrSun]

They have trauma bonds and are both superficial (Chelsea is a libra and Jimmy is a scorpio)

[@vladn6031]

Hmm, I don't think superficiality is connected to particular zodiac signs. Also, what zodiac your sun is in is not a good indication of anything. All planets and houses have to be taken into consideration.

[@aliya5230]

@@vladn6031exactly, I hate seeing people speaking on astrology when all they know about are sun signs. Also Scorpio is not a superficial sign what so ever! that’s why we can’t judge people only based off of their sun sign because other things in the chart matter.

[@StarrSun]

@@vladn6031 your opinion

[@dirierpombo9779]

Astrology mentioned: opinion discarded.

[@vladn6031]

@@StarrSun Anyone who knows anything about astrology beyond "what's your zodiac sign" will agree with this opinion.

[@loyaltyb71052]

if this isn't scripted, chelsea has some serious mental health concerns. IMO, healthy minded people don't look for love by means of online dating and shows like this.

[@annon7179]

I think most girls will react the same way if shes with a guy who does not make her feel beautiful and wanted. Jimmy brought out the worst in her and I'm sure if Chelsey ended up with the other guy she wouldn't have turned out the same way.

[@CJW75]

She is a mad person

[@alimrashid9765]

👧 so just take it! 😐 Damn 👧 hear me and just take it! 😐 but 👧 take it! Don't you see you hurt me?