Small Talk is Good, Actually

[@elliotsangestevez]

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[@CinnamonMay30]

Keep up the good work. From yours truly Cinnamon May.

[@Velociraptor449]

I'm autistic as hell and I love small talk. Just made small talk in an elevator, I saw a girl with a package and I asked "anything cool in the package" and she goes "oh just clothes" and I go "that's pretty exciting" and she goes "yeah" and her face lights up and that made me happy and we talked for a little bit longer about the dorm and stuff before we got off the elevator and it was great. I got to socialize in a way that was low stakes and I wasn't worried.

[@mmps18]

I'm an ADHD-er with severe RSD and same!!!

[@crashtestbunny6649]

same! i actually spent a year+ of early adulthood making no meaningful connections bc I was in an environment where there are constantly new randos to small talk with haha

[@Jaguar470]

Girl, I love dorm room elevator small talk! When you are in the mood it can be so fun!

[@Jaguar470]

“I got to socialize in a way that was low stakes and I wasn’t worried” what a SENTENCE! 🙂

[@inthewoods5494]

Cute! I’m autistic as hell and I hate it! Shut up

[@iexist1300]

I think if there was a way to say "i dont want to talk" that wouldn't be considered rude, most problems people have with social interactions like small talk would be solved.

[@beatrizsantos-ve9df]

i agree! i'm usually very sociable and don't really struggle with small talk, but i find that when i'm overstimulated or just not in a good mood a simple "i'm kinda tired, but i'm fine" and nothing else is enough for people to understand that i don't really wanna talk but also polite. that doesn't always work but i'd give it a try!

[@CarlytheQueenofChaos]

Real.

[@xxxxx-iu4fw]

This exactly!! I’m autistic and I need to balance out small talk, other kinds of talking and just not talking at all very carefully to have enough energy to be able to complete the day. If I could turn down talking without being seen as rude that would be really nice. I actually enjoy small talk too, a lot, I just can’t do it too much

[@ernststravoblofeld]

I've found, if I don't want to talk, I counter any small talk opening with a fairly cheery "Hello." It's polite and friendly, but it kind of short-circuits the situation. Of course, there's no stopping the very dedicated talker.

[@faithfm1]

That actually would help

[@dorothea.a]

I would not do "deep talk" with someone I haven't built up any rapport with! "Small talk" is an important tool for that. Like, ask a girl her hobbies before asking about her childhood!

[@mmps18]

Same!!! I have so much trauma from being deep-talked at by people. I have ADHD so struggled to tell them to stop telling me about triggering topics without permission but small-talk gives me a toolbox to pivot the conversation away as a protective measure.

[@spacebar9733]

Exactly. Like they're either itching to trauma dump or they're about to say the most out of pocket shit I've ever heard in my life

[@emilyr8668]

@@spacebar9733 THIS LOL. 'i hate small talk lets go over your traumas' AKA i hate hearing about your day let me tell you the most fucked up shit i can muster

[@bruhdabones]

Jumping right in is fun, but it’s trippy when you realize “I know everything about this person’s childhood but I had no clue they’re allergic to peanuts/own a cat/hate Chinese food” I don’t have a preference one way or another though, it’s all chill

[@gracemakeslace]

​@@bruhdabonesthis! I am an oversharer who hates oversharing! When I got back into tatting(a fairly portable form of lacemaking) and started utilizing it as a fidget in conversation so I don't feel compelled to keep talking, I realized just how much certain people in my life weaponized silence too. There's been many times where the conversation turns to silence so I tat a few stitches and look back at that person and the look on their face reads that they were mad that I didn't give them more ammunition. I'd been tatting the whole conversation, I just glanced at my work during the thirty seconds of silence they initiated. Lately I've grown even more confident in silence. When establishing a boundary about not wanting to share two personal details- which house I was putting an offer in on or how I broke my tooth three weeks before because it was a bit embarrassing, she replied with "so you're just not going to tell me anything about your life then," with an angry expression. Never mind that I'd talked for ten minutes before about a book I was enjoying and that, because I had the day off, I got some cleaning in and read a ton of legal documents for the house I was putting an offer in on. Why not share a book she's reading or a cleaning product or tip she's learned? I can't be the only one supplying all the conversational information! Also, TLDR: but it's amazing how many people weaponized silent moments and boundaries. Fidget tools are sooooo helpful with that!

[@nicolejohnson5225]

I'm introverted. Sometimes small talk is the difference between a day full of depression and an OK day. I'm terrible with starting convo but I love when strangers start up a convo. It's just nice and another way to connect to community instead of being miserable and cranky.

[@Toribell1928]

Same I’m an extrovert but I’ve got terrible social anxiety. Someone starting small talk with me quite literally makes my day

[@crimson4066]

Last week, I dropped a chapstick into a grimy puddle on the street. The man right next to me (I was just passing him on the sidewalk) saw and smiled. I picked it up to throw it out - but the man assumed I was going to use it again, saying something I can't quite remember, but it made me chuckle. That interaction lasted no more than a minute, but now I remember that day quite fondly

[@nrmf]

Same I used to prioritize deep talks but I’ve found it forced and I think after that realization, I found a lot of more appreciation for small talk. It the difference between a bad or good day. Sometimes i do prefer a deep conversation but I rather make the best of the little interactions then force a large conversation.

[@bruhdabones]

@@Toribell1928ahh, a fellow hell-dweller. Those born to want what they struggle so hard to have 😅

[@Toribell1928]

@@bruhdabones solidarity😂

[@miketacos9034]

This is actually a good point; the fakest conversations I’ve had were with people rattling off their opinions about “deep” topics but then never actually listened to my ideas or questions much. There was no real connection, so it just felt like we were sharing links to articles.

[@Kyuupire]

As an autistic person who has worked in the service industry and often struggles with smalltalk, I whole heartedly agree with the sentiment that smalltalk is good if done well. What we need is to view and treat each other with more kindness, not limit our ways of interaction. What is bad is when people have to force themselves to engage in small talk when they shouldn't or don't want to because they fear social repercussions. What is bad is when people harshly judge those who fail to properly respond to their attempts at smalltalk. It isn't small talk itself that is bad. I'd also like to add that a lot of autistic people (and I believe this can also affect people with ADHD) struggle with sudden, unanticipated conversations in general. Whether a waitress suddenly tries to engage them in smalltalk, a deep philosophical conversation or even a conversation about their special interests, many autistics would struggle regardless. This is separate from the struggle with specifically smalltall associated with autism.

[@sickcat-nu4ci]

100% this

[@aazhie]

Such a wonderful way to explain this thank you.

[@Kyuupire]

@@inthewoods5494 That's understandable which is why I said that it's a problem if people have to force themselves. I don't think we're in disagreement here?

[@sickcat-nu4ci]

@@inthewoods5494 where exactly did they say that????? 🤨

[@Toribell1928]

Yeah I feel this. I have ADHD and while I do struggle with small talk I don’t think it’s bad. I’ve made friends through it in really tough situations. I think in general it should just be more accepted to refuse it with a simple “sorry I don’t feel up for this right now”

[@ellmcel7313]

Speaking from my experience as a teacher- small talk is genuinely a great way to start getting to know people and lays the foundation of trust. Having a quick back and forth between me and my students about their weekends, pets, current events, etc at the beginning of a lesson helps them get used to the classroom dynamic again, and helps me get to know them better as people, so I can add things to my next plan that might interest them. It's crazy how something as little as remembering the name of a student's dog, or asking about that football match they had, can impact their mood and overall attitude to the class. Small talk helps me remind them that I do see them as individuals and not mindless homework droids. TLDR it's nice to take an interest in other people's lives lol.

[@dominoot2652]

I'm going into teaching and I've thought about how conversation plays into the classroom dynamic. If a teacher dismisses what the students want to talk about, and especially if all the students have the common experience of their lives/interests/opinions being deemed not important, I think it only goes to further alienate them from their learning. I think it may lead to students being way less interested, not asking questions, being apathetic to being in class, etc etc. But I feel like caring and making sure to hear them makes them more confident and more likely to have a connection to their learning. thanks for being a based teach

[@nvttian9170]

yes!! im in university for teaching and we were taught that small talk like saying "goodmorning how are you" can have a HUGE impact on student

[@StarJester]

@NeggieKnight nah, inconsequential comments like that can help you start learning about what kind of person someone is when you're working from ground zero, provided that you're paying proper attention

[@Datsyoashley]

Yeah as long as it sounds genuine and not forced or intimidating it can really make a student’s day better and even helps build a better relationship between the student and teacher

[@PokhrajRoy.]

Small talk is my favourite thing. It’s like being a detective who pieces the clues. Also, a lot of people *THINK* they can do comfortable silences.

[@emilyanne1311]

Also it’s scripted? I don’t have to think if I don’t want to. I can be social and disappear again

[@annierminx]

@@emilyanne1311 yeah!, there's barely even space for me to mess it up

[@littlemonster2146]

Can you elaborate what you mean by some people think they can do comfortable silences asking 4 a friend

[@PokhrajRoy.]

@@littlemonster2146 What I mean is that some people in creating silences, end up making things awkward.

[@kerycktotebag8164]

they probably know they can be comfortable in silence even if the other person isn't

[@2phonesbabyken]

as someone on the spectrum small talk makes my day. feeling invisible 24/7 takes a huge toll on me so having someone ask about the weather or give a (respectful) compliment helps kinda quell that notion

[@hanniflowers]

This is my favourite part of small talk used well, it's just an "i see you"

[@hikawagetsbitches]

!!! right! it feels very good to be acknowledged.

[@user74027nh]

This. I'm autistic and sometimes I really struggle with casual conversation. Tbh it can be nerve-wracking and I know a lot of other people on the spectrum dislike it or hate it because it takes a lot out of them. On the other hand it feels great as someone who's always struggled to make friends and grew up being excluded from a lot of stuff. Like "oh wait I'm actually approachable"

[@multiplemysteries5242]

As someone who's autistic and also frequently feels very alienated from the people around me because of it, someone making small talk with me can sometimes be the highlight of my day, even if it's not something I find easy to engage in.

[@Merudinnn]

Holy shit me too. When people at work ignore a "good morning" or "how's it going" it genuinely makes me feel invisible and ruins my mood. I know it's stupid, but after the 10th person seemingly ignores you it starts to bring ya down. Like just make small talk, let's atleast pretend like we're all part of the same community ya know?

[@EvanC881]

I think a lot of people, myself included, aren't raised within a community and struggle to understand or enact community-building things. When I was younger, I was taught to keep quiet and not embarrass or shame my family in front of the other adults in the few occasions I went to church or school functions or work parties with my parents. I watched my parents interact ONLY for social posturing. If they hung out with actual friends, I wasn't around to see it. How are we expected to know how to be friendly, to be genuine, to care for people, when we never see it modeled for us? I spent so much time feeling like I was going to say the wrong thing and embarrass myself. I was so scared of that rejection. But I'm learning to love small talk. I am building roots in my town and learning little bits of information about everyone I come in contact with. I'm learning the value of the acquaintance, and how large, varied social networks make us stronger. The amount of love and kindness and care I have received just by putting some time into asking after my neighbors and coworkers has been amazing. People can be good to you if you let them. Don't cut yourself off from love just because you're scared of rejection, my friends ❤

[@deeznuts8432]

Do you have any advice on how to improve your small talk skills and getting rid of that fear of rejection because I relate to this. I've slowly been isolating myself since the later years of middle school-- due to not getting the treatment needed for my mental health-- and over time I've lost that ability and since I haven't been practicing or seeing it be modelled around me for years I really need help changing that ahah.

[@westwarden5979]

I'm a front desk clerk / receptionist. Small talk is like 70% of all my interactions and much as it can be a bit exhausting at times I find it enriching in some ways. I always try to switch things up and get to the actual person in front of me, or at least some "pieces" of who they actually are. If people dared to be a little bit vulnerable with strangers they'd realize just how interesting human beings can be!

[@Ouranos369]

What a lovely way to look at it

[@mekaylanicolai54]

I love being a receptionist. I love meeting people and even if they aren’t my cup of tea it’s so fascinating!

[@sekaitherborn3618]

They assume that service workers are not neurodivergent. A good portion of people working in the service industry are there not because they are extroverts or because they like social interactions but because they have to. I am glad that the question of social class has been raised.

[@Jackie-gr5bw]

I'm autistic adhd and I don't struggle with smalltalk, I struggle with hierarchy. There are different kinds of smalltalk for different situations, deciding when to use what kind, in the exact moment, is hard and tiring on a daily basis. At some point I will screw up, I will forget to smile or answer a rhetorical question honestly. And that's fine with strangers or parents of friends. But it will fuck with your life when it really depends on it, like in school or jobs. I lost a job I really liked because I would forget to make emotions on my face when I was tired. I was called rude by teachers for not being smiley enough, wich was perceived as not being respectful and not accepting authority. I like smalltalk as long as I know there won't be potentially life ruining consequences if I use the wrong skript, like losing a job. Sadly some people are just mean girls (gender neutral), and some autistic people are genuinely traumatized by being rejected over and over, because that shit hurts. So to me the problem is hierarchy and capitalism, nothing new there

[@lexxiloveless7163]

Agreed, smalltalk is fun but the social barriers of work and hierarchy are hard to navigate which makes me feel like im being fake because i am.

[@Firesgone]

I definitely struggle with 'hierarchy' though I took the opposite approach to you with my family doing the same thing. Not caring and doing what I want despite them. I absolutely hate the idea of 'wearing a mask' and run on my own tempo, sometimes literally with music played. The excessive complexity people add to social *anything* is something I've not ever cared for, though I hardly do stuff to cause problems with others intentionally. Being seen as an adult now has definitely made things easier for everyone though, as others just opt to disengage if they find my honesty uncomfortable. I don't want to be around people who have to fake it, though I don't care to avoid interaction if needed. Not that I'm completely blind to how facial expressions and other junk affect others. I've had to bluntly remind my sister to stop reading into my tone (verbal and wording) and ignore my expression and psoture on occasion. I'm honest with my words, but tend not to communicate with anything else. Somehow this is the hardest part for people, but my words are accurate pertaining to the topic and yourself but my body language only talks about random passing thoughts, or is completely meaningless. I still don't get how people let a poor mood dominate all of their interactions, but I've gotten a LOT better at interpretation of others when I put in the conscious effort. Can you tell that I use KZbin comment sections to think deeply about myself and what I do? Because this is the second time on this video 😅 Just ignore me if you want.

[@something-from-elsewhere]

@@Firesgone Honestly I can relate to this in _several_ ways. Just bein myself with ppl has made shit _so_ much easier and more fruitful and I highly recommend it to anyone, neurodivergent or no

[@rwnmrr]

I'm autistic and I hate small talk, but only when it's forced. working as a cashier was the most draining time of my life having to engage in small talk with dozens of people every day. trying to figure out the right balance of talking and listening and making sure I look "normal" and giving out the appropriate responses in a timely manner. it was awful trying to do my job and perform proper social mannerisms at the same time. remember to make eye contact, don't fidget too much, remember to smile, follow the right script for each conversation... make sure the customer is happy with your behavior or maybe they'll complain about your "attitude" to your manager even if you thought you were being nice. but on the other hand, if I'm doing laundry or whatever at my apartment building, and a nice old lady asks me how I'm doing, small talk is wonderful! yes the weather has been amazing! I love the cool weather! I'm doing okay, just got back from bringing my mom to a doctor's appointment. How about you? it's great when I don't feel pressured to perform.

[@something-from-elsewhere]

THIS. SO MUCH THIS.

[@adapienkowska2605]

The whole discussion is so American/British. There are a bunch of cultures where these types of small talks don't exist. When I go to the shop for the first time the only things I say, and the only things the cashier says are 'thank you', 'good morning' and 'goodbye'. The small talk thing builds over time, gradually (and even this is not always a case). So after a year going to the same shop twice a week on average, when I talk with the people there I know them as we've built a relationship over time. It starts with easy questions about the products and prices and over time I know for example that they like morning shifts and dislike the sun and high temperatures, so I don't say an awkward 'the weather is great' when it is 30 degree C.

[@rwnmrr]

@@adapienkowska2605 I know other cultures are different but that doesn't change my experience here in america

[@TheEpicPancake]

My go to working as a cashier was taking any observation I could and running with it. "Oh, I've never seen insert item before. Is it any good?" "Oh, I've played that game before. How familiar are you with the franchise?" etc. If someone's buying something, chances are they have something to say about it if you're curious or looking for topics when ye olde "how's your day been?" fails.

[@imclaireyay]

As an autistic person, the idea of small talk is strange. It's kind of hard to explain; I don't dislike small talk, I just view all talk the same. For me, the weather is super interesting, and I love to look at forecasts around the world and share that info with other people. I also like hearing about other people's day because if I was having a not so great day, maybe they did, and I think getting out of our own personal bubbles and lives is so important in helping us deal with our struggles. We don't need to flesh out our most intense trauma while we ride the elevator, but knowing that it's possible for things to be okay despite that trauma is sometimes that one little thing that keeps us going. When people say small talk is ableist, I understand certain aspects of that statement, but it definitely needs to be fleshed out more. When people communicate with each other, there is a whole lot more going on than the topic of the conversation. There is tone of voice, facial expressions, body language, and eye contact. For many neurotypical people, these factors may just come naturally to them, but when a neurodivergent person is unexpectedly put in the situation of figuring out all those things at once before they even get to processing the topic of the conversation, it can be a lot. So, is small talk ableist? No, it isn't inherently ableist. What is ableist is society's expectations for people to be "polite" (i.e. maintaining eye contact, having a certain posture, or speaking in a certain tone). Moral of the story is, we need to reevaluate why there are standards for communication that have nothing to do with explicitly rude or mean actions, merely things that have been perceived as rude with no explanation as to why. Thanks for the great video, it was really thought provoking!

[@TheSim1derful]

I'm neurotypical and I view small talk this way too (but I know other NT people disagree with me)

[@rodie3602]

Agree 100%

[@Firesgone]

'Small' talk is my prefered type of conversation for these reasons. Deep conversations tend not to be very open as people disengage to avoid conflicts and are just drsining to have. I can be a lot more authentic with others on anything else, and 'small' talk helps me find mutual interests with others open to conversation. As far as silence goes, there is no such thing as an awkward silence. It's all the same, whether I want to talk or not. The people who get on my nerves are the ones who relate everything to blind party politics and force conversations with me even after repeatedly telling them point blank I won't talk to them because of that. Unfortunately that's someone in my family so I can't avoid it, while I haven't had an issue with coworkers.

[@renaigh]

I used to think I was introverted, then I realised I'm just Depressed. Like there are days where I want to find connection but then I'm stuffed into my bubble of loneliness and isolation.

[@ppbrain2328]

I don't have a problem with small talk, what I have a problem with is, like you mentioned, ingenuine conversations.

[@Andrewism]

I love making conversation with new people, it's really quite enjoyable. In an island context, there's the bonus of often finding a connection between our lives prior to us meeting that can be truly serendipitous. Also, fantastic conclusion about discourse.

[@CarlytheQueenofChaos]

The guy who wrote the "unmasking autism" book who's name I can't remember but somehow I can remember the name of the book really made a specific point that is legit one of the most relatable things I have heard in a while. He said something like "As an autistic I think I am supposed to give an honest answer about how I feel when someone asks me about it and that's why I get thrown off" and later he said "I just wanna make things right to this people because i know how it's like to be mistreated and I don't wanna do that to people". Bro real. My whole problem with everything summarized.

[@rhettinski]

Dr Devon Price ;)

[@AttenuatedNecronym]

I work in retail and am inundated with small talk. I used to try to build up a large mental library of scripts for every common small talk start point. This was exhausting, but got pretty good at ending it asap, but also not generate customer complaints for being "rude". Eventually I got super angry at work and i intentionally said the most small talk script breaking things i possibly could. Something really wild happened! Not only was i having to put less effort into it i was sometimes having genuinely enjoyable conversations! So now as a matter of course i always try to disrupt common small talk scripts and try to get the other person to talk about something they care about. It still frequently goes as close to the small talk script as the poor? Customer can manage but now they know I'm weird AF and can choose to leave if they dont like it instead of me feeling trapped in some boring dialog tree like some hapless merchant npc.

[@grammarnazi12]

"hapless merchant NPC" 😂😂😂😂 That's so hilarious but also such an apt description

[@impossiblefox364]

what kinds of things were you saying to break the script??

[@didyouwashyourlegstoday3601]

As someone who works in service what are your tricks because I dont want to keep wasting 8 hrs a day of my life in repetitive dialogue

[@nope6325]

I’m really good at small talk but I hate it. I have seasonal depression, and I struggle with thoughts of “unaliving”, and my biggest symptom is apathy and lack of empathy. People try to rope me into conversations because they assume I’m just too anxious and shy to participate, so they’re doing me a favor. Really I don’t care, and I don’t have the energy to care, other than just nodding and smiling. The clip at the start of the video is how I feel literally every day, and everyone in my household is the exact same way. It gets super annoying when people take my lack of enthusiasm personally. Like bruh I’m just trying to get through the week alive, all I care about is going home and sleeping for hours. It’s a miracle if I can get laundry done.

[@celestialgems8762]

I feel this exact way. I'm seen as selfish for taking time for myself, but they aren't viewed as selfish for demanding all of my time because they're "helping me out". They aren't helping me, they make me more tired and I end up needing more time to recover from it.

[@wren_.]

@@celestialgems8762then simply tell them “i would love to have a conversation with you, but I just don’t think I have the energy for a conversation right now.” if they ask why, then tell them “It’s nothing against you, sometimes I just get really tired. I do appreciate you asking, though.” it makes the person feel respected and it gets you out of a tiring conversation. and if they continue pushing, then simply don’t talk to them. they are probably not a person you want to connect with.

[@cyonoid]

I'm someone with a slew of mental disorders (ASD, ADHD, CPTSD) on top of my chronic health issues. I feel so utterly lonely. It's crippling. The only person i see and talk to every day are the same people. My boyfriend, his family, the few girls i work with and i text my mom.. I've always avoided small talk and eye contact as much as possible because od the social anxiety. HOWEVER, Small talking with my fellow housekeepers at work helps a lot to feel less alone in this giant world we call our home. I've gotten a lot better at said small talk, and taking geniune interest in engaging in it with those i come into contact with. It's opened up deeper conversations with my coworkers and finding out more about them and even, myself. Still need to figure out how to make friends outside of work, though

[@eg4441]

the best experience i had with a stranger was when i was in the ER waiting for scans on my broken hip. there was an older lady who'd fell on her hip and we got to talking. somehow we spoke about our dogs, and she told me she used to have a black lab. i had notecards and a pencil with me in my bag, so while we were waiting i drew her a little portrait of a black lab and gave it to her. she genuinely cried and told me it looked just like him. i got taken off later to a hospital room and i never knew what happened to her, but it's a memory i cherish, even though i don't think of it often

[@uhh3788]

@@eg4441 that is such a sweet memory :') I'm sure she still cherishes that moment as well

[@JJxPrime]

i just think it boils down to whether or not u want to participate and others being socially aware enough to read the room. not everyone wants to be spoken to and that doesnt always stem from struggling to have small talk. it just means to leave people alone, ESPECIALLY if they have headphones on lmao

[@MrJac01love]

So true, Oddly enough, the most small talk happens when you have large headphones in vs earbuds. It’s crazy out here.

[@something-from-elsewhere]

Huh, I only just realized how absolutely wild it is that people will try to strike up conversation, or acknowledge someone verbally, or etc, when someone is _walking by them_ with headphones on. I mostly kinda just smile and wave or smth if I don't have the time and/or energy to take my headphones off and it's almost _always_ gonna end up bein more than they meant to ask for when they did that but like. I cannot think of any more blatant way of signalling "I am not currently prepared to communicate" than "I am wearing a clearly visible device that makes it difficult to hear people"

[@domesdaylines]

I am autistic and I generally don't like small talk because i'm just not talkative in general, and i am also very private. I don't even like people knowing my name if they don't have to, and talking about my life and interests often feels too invasive. That being said, I used to be better at it and enjoy it. It's social interaction without the burden of it being a relationship. We can share a transient bond between something and go our seperate ways. That detachment appeals to me, which is also why i don't like seeing the same strangers regularly, so it doesn't have to become a 'thing.'

[@eg4441]

makes me think of how i often find a stranger's compliments way more legitimate than family or friends. i feel that a stranger has absolutely no reason to say something nice to you, so when they do, it's a sincere gesture

[@moethemoon]

I’m very similar. I personally LOVE having small talk with complete strangers that I will never see again, especially old people. But I HATE small talk with acquaintances that I see on a regular basis because when you’re caught in it it’s hard to escape the prying questions. I’m almost pathologically private so I cannot stand the “do you have a boyfriend? How’s school?” Type of questions from people that I “know” that way.

[@alexreid1173]

I have autism and ADHD, so I personally try to steer every “small talk” conversation towards whatever I’ve been hyperfixating on or some random topic I find interesting. Like “it’s nice to meet you! Let’s talk about the history of American Chinese food.” I can do this with most topics, including the weather. Would you like to hear about the geography of this area that contributes to the weather we’re having today? It lowkey breaks social norms, but it mostly just makes people think I’m “quirky” and it’s way more fun for everyone. I mostly try to stay away from my main special interest, welsh mythology and folklore, because most people don’t have any base knowledge for it lol

[@ilikeanarchy]

I'm so late to the comment, but Welsh mythology and folklore sounds so unique and interesting! Would you like to tell me about it?

[@Isthatthegrimreaper170]

I’m more of an introvert but I’ve done small talk at all my jobs, with coworkers, customers, managers etc. It’s nice to have people to talk to, you even learn things you never knew before One of my favorite coworkers is an older black lady who loves to talk and I always just listen, the other night we had a conversation about Louis Farrakhan that started from me asking if it’s cold outside

[@mmps18]

Small-talk helps me as an ADHD-er. I have severe RSD and time blindness so having phrses in my pocket to do quick, warm interactions in public helps me feel connected. Because I'm AFAB with "resting nice face" people love to rant/trauma dump on me constantly and small-talk gives me a toolbox to change the subject or lighten the mood when I'm triggered and frozen from having a random person tell me how much they hate their ex-spouse etc. 😅

[@UmbraStarWolf]

Autistic and same people see im nice and kind and they wanna trauma dump or vent to me

[@mmps18]

@@UmbraStarWolf thx for the solidarity!

[@Bpaynee]

Oh my gosh, resting nice face, that's exactly what I have 😂

[@kerycktotebag8164]

i don't want such a toolbox, i wouldn't be able to think about anything else. I'm also the surrogate, unconsenting therapist to strangers a lot, and to "friends" when i went to school but they'd never reciprocate on the advice front. when i started openly engaging in gossip, ppl stopped telling me their deepest feelings, so i guess i don't need the toolbox. but the whole "ethics of gossip" issue requires its own toolbox. i just can't remember that many dynamics at once without dreading every conversation. We're all so different, so my only answer to this discourse is that i don't really trust ppl who see small talk as great with no caveats, and ppl who see it as horrible with no caveats. Both kinds of mentalities create a minefield so difficult to dodge that i wouldn't enjoy getting to know that person. there has to be a more sensible "live and let live" answer, but some ppl wanna act like ppl can be summarized far more easily than we can as a species, because it helps them feel more in control of uncertainty and people who can't deal with the inherent uncertainty of a stranger without going into extremes make society much more difficult than it needs to be: Because their false sense of certainty will always translate into extra effort from people (which is most ppl) who don't fit that narrow, reduced outlook i have no choice but to directly face social uncertainty because I'm autistic. I can't invent a world that doesn't exist to make myself feel better, because i know it would hurt ppl like me who struggle with these extreme inventions solely bc they're socially acceptable extremes.

[@inthewoods5494]

“As an adhder” huh? That doesn’t make any difference here. Y’all are allistic.

[@fancy0485]

I honestly find small talk uncomfortable but i admire people who are able to engage in it. I tend to initiate small talk most with people that form part of a familiar environment. Like cashiers, security guards, neighbours, classmates etc. This conversation is also fascinating because where I'm from, making small talk is almost required towards elders and especially with people in service. I kid you not, if you go up to someone and say 'hi, may i ask..', the response will likely be 'Why don't you don't greet first. Firstly, hi. How are you?'

[@UmbraStarWolf]

Im autistic and when they ask me « how are you » I say « good » even when I don’t feel good because I don’t wanna go through them asking me « why ». They don’t wanna hear it. Every autistic person is different im able to do small talk most of the time.

[@inthewoods5494]

Nice! I can’t! Do you want allistics to give you a pretty medal or something

[@lindaolivova2698]

​@@inthewoods5494 damn, dude. who shit in your coffee this morning? goddamn.

[@inthewoods5494]

@@lindaolivova2698 cry

[@UmbraStarWolf]

@@inthewoods5494 you’re jealous? Because if that’s how you behave with small talk no wonder you got no friends

[@Suzi3Anne]

I just say “okay” and people usually just leave it at that. I’ve always wondered if I come off as rude or if they can tell I’m Autistic 😅

[@Anarchist_communist]

Every time I talk to strangers about my struggle under capitalism,I feel good

[@junelawson5719]

I have two main issues with the way small talk is done in our culture. The first is it tends to be so shallow that there is very little I can really say. Obviously, it would be impractical to discuss the differences in Asian philosophies in an elevator, but there’s a middle ground. The second is there is a tendency to passively assert hegemonic values - i.e, saying that the weather is “good” when it is sunny, as if nobody likes cloud cover, or talking about the locally dominant ball sport as if the other person is definitely interested in it. Consequently, the subtext can easily end up being that the receiver is an outsider, which produces a somewhat hostile and uncomfortable situation.

[@junelawson5719]

I find Dr Price’s perspective very limited. Often, concerns around acting correctly in social situations are grounded in tangible dangers; Bullying, being singled out for harmful “interventions” and “treatments”, being labelled as problematic by authority figures, placed in “special education”, etc. Focusing on performing correctly is an attempt to avoid those harms. It’s a blind spot that seems to be more common in people who were not subjected to diagnosis and learned to adapt to neurotypical standards.

[@marshmyellow]

exactly this!! the outsider perspective is the main reason i hate small talk. living in a very conservative country, most "casual" topics leave me in that position with nothing "safe" to say. family? i'll be judged and lectured for not having any and not holding it as the highest possible value. relationships? will be judged (and potentially hit on) for not being interested in romance. career? i'm a freelance illustrator, none of that is ever understood or accepted here, unless i'm talking to a very specific demographic. gossip, local or celebrity? most of the time find it mean-spirited and uninteresting. news/politics/religion? let's not even go there, incendiary topics by default. hobbies would be an option, except mine happen to be on the obscure side. all i'm left with is the here-and-now stuff like the weather, asking enough questions to spend the whole interaction as a listener, faking enthusiasm in something i vaguely enjoy at best, or lying about everything just for fun. either way all it does is make me feel more alienated than i already was ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[@lexxiloveless7163]

@@marshmyellow this. I am at a heavily scrutinized workplace in a conservative place and practically every topic to be brought up about myself is one that people might find iffy. I do the same thing you do where I ask lots of questions about the other person because i dont want to talk about myself or my beliefs. The weather and immediate observations are the only things i offer. Outside of work im a tad more relaxed but its still always there.

[@Firesgone]

Being socially ostracized over not being able to hold a conversation about sports in the slightest is a constant annoyance. Sports-brained people I effectively can't talk to as I'll never know the players, recent game results, or whatever else they must be talking amongst themselves. I know it's like that for many personal interests, but sports in particular seems to always take away from a person having ANY other interests at ALL.

[@cryptic_shock]

Isn't the point of small talk to be shallow and to light the mood with an easy conversation. why is that a bad thing?

[@virallcullture8585]

Small talk becomes an issue when the ones who try to force people, the disingenuous, the ones who feel like certain people they should have access to no matter what and treat it like a controlling thing...hence "retaliation" if you don't play along...the worst is I find small talk ....is mostly an interrogation from my personal experience, with a thick layer of fake friendliness... along with...just trying to convince you of something about them...due to insecurities after tricking you after asking you about weather...small talk is used by small talkers to reach their own means...using you..for the most part...BUT not all, just not many.

[@omnipotentfaces1514]

My best tip for small talk to make connections is to literally ask questions to the other person. 1. It means you don’t have to ‘answer correctly’, 2. The other person can carry the conversation in a way they like, 3. They feel you are interested in them which is always nice, 4. You can literally ask questions forever and can never run out and best of all 5. It can eventually lead to deep talk as your getting to know them. This has helped me so much as my adhd craves interaction but my anxiety makes me pull away from people. it’s most useful when you don’t know what to do/ask or feel awkward :)

[@miriamlevenson9430]

small positive interactions are so so so important

[@tostoneslover]

I have social anxiety and I enjoy small talk, it has make me more comfortable on talking with other people 💫

[@inthewoods5494]

Do you want a cookie

[@tostoneslover]

@@inthewoods5494 yes

[@EJ_2091]

I often find small talk invasive. Seemingly "low-stakes" questions, like 'how are you,' or 'what are you doing with your life,' can actually be quite personal, especially if you're private and protective of your inner world. These questions feel very pointed, and there isn't really satisfactory way to dodge them other than lying. And starting a conversation off by having to lie is not the path to a deeper conversation. It's a path to me wanting to be away from that person because I don't feel like I have any privacy in the conversation. I understand the function of small talk. I agree that talking about low-stakes things first can help build trust. I just think a lot of our go-to questions for small talk aren't as low-stakes as people think they are. We need to find better small talk topics, or just let things come up naturally rather than forcing them. Like one example of small talk I don't mind is when you're waiting in a long line for a while, and end up chatting to the person next to you by first saying 'god, this line is taking so long.'

[@iexist1300]

Now that you mention it, I feel like this is part of the reason it feels fake. At least for me, I really give a genuine answer to how are you or how's your day. I hope I can try and ask better questions when starting future small talk.

[@Toribell1928]

This is a good point, you can rarely answer these questions without going way too deep or just lying which defeats the purpose of small talk as a way to connect to someone. I’m a small talk fan but definitely agree with you here

[@eg4441]

@@Toribell1928if it's my college professors half the time they ask that i will genuinely say "man i'm so hungry right now" because i usually am lmfao

[@blobby883]

questions like these are only invasive if you make them. when i ask how you are, it's implied that i'm also asking permission to know how you are. if you don't want to give that permission just say 'alright', 'good', 'not great', 'been better' or even just grunt and then move on. if you give a more in depth answer or don't move on, that's when you invite further conversation and elaboration on the topic obviously 'what are you doing with your life' is worded in a way that sounds weirdly pointed but its actually fairly vague. you could talk about jobs, family, plans or if there's nothing you want to talk about just say 'nothing much'. if you find these too invasive 'alright' and 'nothing much' will shut down that avenue of conversation and you can talk about the weather instead

[@elemenopi55]

i understand why there are times you can find small talk invasive. ive seen people (who are probably extroverts) who dont understand say stuff like "oh, so commenting on how nice the weather is to a stranger is rude?!" ive realized that a mindset that says 'you can't just not respond. you cant just ignore someone. that's so rude!!!' is really myopic. like, what's rude is to assume that everyone finds you charming or is so bored/unoccupied with their thoughts that they want to talk to someone, especially a stranger, about trivial, random things. not all cultures value small talk. it's ethnocentric in that sense. i understand the importance placed on small talk is cultural, but if you live in a multicultural society, it's just kinda.. it shows an inability to pick up on social cues? and i dont mean that in like a neurodivergent way. i just mean it in a socially tone-deaf/willfully ignorant kind of way. i get that we aren't taught this stuff in school, if fact, you were probably taught the opposite by your teachers. but if you grew up in a major city in a "western" country, this is something you should have figured out. i feel like a lot people just dont understand body language. like, they think body language is something that only happens when one is talking or being spoken to. if the body is seen, then it is communicating, intentionally or not. for example, there is a familiarity, whether a bad one or a good one, being built when you stand behind someone in line, even if you never talk or even make eye contact. the distance or lack of and the angle at which you stand, and where you choose to point your head (eg directly at them, to the side, to your phone, whether or not you pull out your phone at all etc), are all things that are registered by the people in line around you, and it all communicates. if there are two people there may be silence but there is never no communication. even just the choice of not being seen or heard is a message communicated to those around you. "hey, stop being rude and come out of your room and say hi to your aunt/uncle!" or whatever.

[@lionkid5841]

i enjoy small talk as an ADHDer! a lot of ppl in the comments are saying that small talk is pointless or surface level or it forces you to lie, but honestly that’s never been the case for me. i love small talk but i never lie, if someone asks how i’m doing and i’m not actually “alright”, i’ll express that, just in a light way. you don’t need to go in depth on all your problems to be honest, you can just go “i’ve been better haha”, “ehhh, not great but i will be”. there’s ways to be honest and keep it small. plus imo small talk isn’t any less meaningful than deep talk, it just has a different kind of meaning. it’s the human equivalent of letting an animal sniff your hand before you pet it, or sitting in their vicinity so they know you’re cool. small talk when done right is passive and lets people know “im chill, i wont hurt you, i have no problem with you”, it forms the foundation for deep connection. although i do still understand that some people are just incapable of putting on a face and engaging with small talk iin a way that’s comfortable for them. that’s entirely valid, just like enjoying small talk is valid. i think the whole small talk discourse could be diffused if there was a polite way to signal “i’m still chill with you, but i just dont have the energy”, a way to disengage with small talk without being rude and just ignoring people, yk? i also think ya gotta practice giving people the benefit of the doubt. people who like small talk tend to assume those who don’t are rude, understandably so, but they’re wrong. and people who hate small talk assume people who do are bullies and trying to force them into something, understandably so, but they’re wrong. tl;dr we just gotta collectively take a deep breath and chill the fuck out. the vast majority of people don’t mean any harm

[@maybemablemaples2144]

This. You hit the nail on the head.

[@LethargicSchizoDream]

My aversion to small talk boils down to social anhedonia. I'm too apathetic to be interested, and I'm not willing to mask either. In most cases, a simple "good morning" should suffice.

[@sickcat-nu4ci]

🤝 this entire year has been one big slump for me, I cannot for the life of me force myself to preform a pleasant demeanor for other people anymore.

[@PGOuma]

My mask is slowly starting to crack. It doesn't make it any better that I have low empathy too.

[@LethargicSchizoDream]

​@@PGOuma I'm actively against masking, there's no real benefit to it. Masking may remove friction from some interactions, but in the long run, the only thing I'll get from it is frustration by forcing myself into conversations I'd rather avoid.

[@tachytack]

based

[@Kingofthenet2]

I completely understand this more than I want. They are very few instances where I am in the mood to partake in small talk. If it’s a neighbour I haven’t seen in a while, I don’t mind engaging in it for a short amount of time. For my myself It depends on who it is trying to small talk with me and vice versa

[@NJM1313]

as an extreme introvert, i love my peace and silence. In the workplace, is the only place i do get small talk from team members and is the exact place where it's THE most damaging for me. I get interrupted so much i never get anything done that one day i am by force in the office. For me it has the exact opposite effect of "social cohesion" it makes me avoid those people. I find it disrespectful from them that they SEE ME busy working and focusing and decide that their nonsense is more important than my job because "they're bored" and haven't gotten any attention in 10 minutes and they can't survive. That's disrespectful AF to me and i WILL avoid them. if we do random small talk while im out at the mall, on the buss, wtv fine. I'm out relaxing that's the appropriate time for small talk. work? absolutely not. get away from me.

[@anomienormie8126]

I’m normally pretty good at and enjoy “small talk” but ‘non queer nuerotypical ppl’ (idk how to explain it) often balk at some of my “small talk” as “too deep and personal”. Which is annoying cuz They like to ask about questions regarding career and school which I really don’t want to talk about.

[@commarchinin]

I deeply relate to this.

[@gillian7662]

i've been a casual user of online dating apps for a couple months and I've noticed that a lot of the men I get in my algorithm write in their bios that they hate small talk, and prefer "deep conversations." Some of them even go as far as to dissuade women from matching if they're only going to engage in small talk. Aside from the issues Elliot pointed out with the potential shallowness of small talk, I find it bizarre why you *wouldn't* want to engage in small talk with a complete stranger before gauging whether you are compatible. Especially from the POV of a femme-presenting person interacting with men, having only "deep talks" is intimidating. It's more confrontational, it feels like the conversation is moving so much faster and deeper, and takes a lot of energy and effort to divulge details about yourself to a complete stranger who may decide they don't want to pursue you any longer. Ik online dating is a whole mess of a concept and has its own issues, but I felt like the hatred of small talk as explained in this video could explain why some people don't have success on dating apps or dating/making friendships more generally.

[@littelcreatchure506]

22:30 I have ADHD and this video is a really good description of how I feel about socialization, but the thing is small talk is literally how you learn if someone is safe or not. You participate in low stakes conversation in situations where you'll probably never meet them again, and if you do then you already know how they're going to respond when you speak to them again

[@JustSaralius]

I don't think small talk is ableist. But people are, because society is. (just like you say in the conclusion) It can be really difficult to be authentically yourself and make pleasant, light conversation with people when topics that for most NTs are light and by-the-by, are pretty heavy and deeply personal to those of us who struggle with those things (like not being able to work and having to explain the, often deeply painful reasons why, to some stranger who asks what you do for a living). I love small talk when it's about the here and now and I like talking about the weather and random stuff. I think, when you go into a conversation with genuineness and respect for both yourself and the other person, it's very rewarding and just a nice way to connect to people and to feel a sense of context. I'm auDHD btw and I really enjoyed this talk and Dr Price seems really great!

[@ailsamairi]

I think my problem with small talk is that I dont want to get to know anyone. A lot of people are saying small talk is important as a first step to getting to know someone. Maybe if I was interested in getting to know someone I'd be fine. But I feel like I have enough friends, I'm not interested in having any more. I feel over stimulated socially just from the relationships I have. I genuinely dont want to get to know any more people or make any new friends. So engaging feels very pointless and like extra social noise that's just draining. I also ask autistic, so similar to how that guy speaking about autism says, when someone asks a question, my mind naturally tries to create an accurate factual answer, and then I consiously disregard it, and say something scripted, which again is extra mental energy, for every single question

[@Macxermillio]

I'm an introvert. My version of small talk is teasing the local shopkeeper every time I go there to buy small things like bread, or biscuits. Sometimes the guy is really cranky and having a bad day, but his mood visibly improves after our exchange. I manage to make him laugh. And I like that. But small talk is not really my thing tbh.

[@Emily-ce7hd]

Small talk can slowly become more meaningful if you actually remember details about the other person, showing that you actually care and listen even to small talk.

[@jessjohnson998]

Bad small talk for me is someone quizzing me to check if I'm in their in group- that's the kind that used to make me hate it. My opinion on TV show or Music or Assignment- and if I gave the wrong subjective answer I was not their kind of person. On the other hand griping about the heat with people in my desert city feels like a bonding ritual even though we all experience it half the year every year.

[@RaleighJaqraine]

I think it also comes down to people also not understanding that everyone has different boundaries, modes of communication, and comfort. I am not having some of the convos y’all have with strangers, with a complete stranger. Why would I tell a stranger I’m taking a weekend trip out of town? Why would I tell a stranger I actually woke up having panic attacks and am honestly ready to go home? Why would I tell a stranger what I was saying to my mom on the phone the other day? I just don’t get it. Why am I expected to pervade my own privacy, mental/emotional stability for the sake of making sure people know I’m human and see them as human? I can do that without verbal small talk, without compromising myself and my needs. I identify as an Empath and am also neurodivergent; it takes a lot of energy for me to open my mouth and words with strangers because that’s energy and feeling I give while also soaking up this random strangers tumultuous or just different than mine energy. People are different is not just a saying, it means people think, react, feel, respond, communicate, receive, and much more differently. Be satisfied with a smile and/or nod acknowledgment, stop forcing people to speak. Just because I care for other humans does not mean I have to speak to show that care for them as humans. I can do it in plenty of other ways, holding a door, nodding, smiling, literally just moving and acting with care and politeness. Words are not the only form of communication and should not be seen as the only form of small talk.

[@Lastprogramer]

one can dislike and abstain from aspects of social interaction without making a value judgement. I don't do small talk, I can see why people would, but I refuse, and must be allowed to refuse.

[@crstph]

sure. but what elliot said about how its used to establish social norms, the result of that choice to abstain completely would be that some people are going to think you are rude or disrespectful, and you’d have to be okay with that. on days when i dont have the energy for a lot of socialization, i just don’t initiate small talk with anyone but will respond respectfully and genuinely when someone engages in it with me. if a service worker says “hi, how are you folks doing today” and you just reply “water please”, you could see how that person would feel disrespected that you completely ignored their question and might even feel dehumanized. completely opting out of and ignoring anyone’s attempt at small talk is something that you can do and no one can stop you, but you have to consider how it feels as a person to extend a basic branch of politeness to try and acknowledge them as a human, only to be brushed off entirely. that can hurt. so opting out of small talk is not always a decision that solely affects you

[@DeLaSoul246]

@@crstphperhaps people *shouldn't* judge the person as rude or disrespectful. Perhaps they should think "huh, I guess they don't like smalltalk." and move on with their day. This default thing, where you do SmallTalk *or else* you're rude & disrespectful is a problem. It's a view of reality that excludes people who don't like smalltalk, which should be a valid category of human.

[@DeLaSoul246]

@@crstphalso I specifically feel dehumanized when people do smalltalk at me. It is a type of talk meant to exclude any true divulgence of one's inner world and requires that you maintain superficiality. So where does that leave us? It's perfectly okay for others to dehumanize me with this talk because their intentions are good? But if I refuse to engage, in order to protect my own energy and mental health, then I've dehumanized them? What an impasse.

[@Lastprogramer]

@@crstph one simply *must* be allowed to refuse/abstain. To apply rudeness, or a negative ethical value to abstaining is to sort of force participation.

[@inthewoods5494]

@@crstphfuck your social norms

[@dnikkithatsame5990]

During the pandemic I learned how nice it is to have your humanity noticed. Talking at the grocery store or a quick hi while walking in the park expanded my world

[@maltsoymarai2243]

I like small talk in scenarios where I’m meeting and getting to know new people or small talking with people who I see regularly and am aware of but don’t necessarily have a deep relationship with or intentions to pursue platonically. Small talking with strangers who I 100% will never see again (and I mean that, e.g. I’ll talk with ppl that live in my building even if I don’t know them because there’s a chance we could cross paths again) is something I don’t really like. When people I don’t know tell me things about themselves all I feel like doing is saying “cool”, “good for you” or just smiling, I don’t feel a desire to talk about myself and my opinions to them (i.e. respond properly) because, despite the effort I might put into making my thoughts digestible in the context, it will become entirely irrelevant to everyone in a matter of minutes, if not seconds. These interactions with total strangers are fleeting and last a short time, which isn’t enough time for me personally to give the response in my head, and trying to distill opinions into 1-3 uncontroversial and yet comprehensible sentences off the dome isn’t a skill I have much of, so I do end up giving those short, general and uninformative answers. The best I can do is interjections and reactions but honestly, if you have no possibility of speaking to me again after talking to me, I’d prefer if you didn’t at all unless we need to co-operate.

[@megsley]

small talk helps us build social skills - it's amazing that things we used to, on a culturally intuitive level, understand without having to explain. and now, we need youtube videos to teach us why things like small talk are actually so important.

[@Vxjx15]

I love small talk when it doesn’t feel like either party has an agenda. Like I will gladly chat about unimportant stuff with people I vaguely know or frequently cross paths with. I only get uncomfortable when someone makes small talk with me because they’re trying to get me to give them contact info, or when I’m expected to make small talk with rude people at work and my pay depends on it

[@jessicaonymous4352]

The channel "Psychology with Dr. Ana" has a great video, "A low-risk technique for gaining intimacy with people" that breaks down the steps of using small talk to build up to big talk with people, and how to gauge if the other person is also investing in that building. Highly recommend it!

[@stormy313]

funny you mention it I just watched that!! they're great :)

[@kurobeach13]

As someone terrible with small talk, I’ve always regarded it as an art form I can’t fully access or practice, so I often try projecting charisma through my body language, the ways I engage people’s attention, and channeling a bit of dry midwestern wit. For me this becomes a strategic way of meshing small talk (which I’m insecure about) with so many other social practices. Doesn’t always work. And then I try to tell myself it doesn’t matter, that the person who didn’t think my joke was funny or regarded our interaction as a waste of their time also ultimately doesn’t care enough to dwell on how inadequate a human being I am 10 years later. I’m not cringing, are you?

[@shaylenwayne9284]

Small talk isn't always terrible, but it starts grating on me when people don't know when to break off. I lived in Texas for a little and it seemed required there or people seemed to think you were rude.. Had so many Ubers/Lyfts that didn't know when to stop.

[@FloatingSpaceKitten]

I'm autistic and i get so mad when I have people I barely know that happily talk about their lives when I never asked. Like the thing is I've had to learn the rules of talking to people, and when I see other people break the rules of conversation it throws me off because I've had to hide everything about myself to be considered normal, and then these people get to break these conventions I've had to learn without any consequences. I absolutely hate the double standard.

[@sarahclayton5845]

last year I moved to a new city. I had broken up with my girlfriend and also gone cold turkey on my meds the day before and was too distraught and out of it to make any friends. I'm doing a lot better now, but for months, I didn't have anyone to speak to, and sometimes small talk with customers at my job or with strangers I shared an elevator with were the only human interaction I would have for weeks at a time. Small talk now holds a special place in my heart. I always make an effort to smile at or make little comments to strangers, because I never know who's feeling isolated and just needs someone to say hi to them.

[@drdevonprice]

Thank you so much for having me for this conversation!

[@bruhdabones]

Your perspective was helpful and your insights are perfect!

[@tachytack]

why do you talk so weird

[@Nesi-Rose]

I love that you had on Devon Price! "Laziness does not exist" gave me a lot to think about.

[@julianas8201]

as someone who can't pick up on social cues small talk has turned onto a nightmare in the sense that I can't distinguish it from other kinds of talk and I'm always anxious I'm being boring

[@connerblank5069]

Personally, I dislike small talk because it always feels like a disruption. My particular strain of neurodivergence makes me tend towards always keeping myself occupied, to the point of hyperfocus even, so it shocks me a little bit when other people just greet me at random. Doesn't help that I'm almost exclusively internally focused, so "there is a person there" almost never counts as occupied enough to not do other things. Once I'm _in it_ I have absolutely no problems with small talk, even though I'm a bit bad at it, but that initial disruption colors me more towards dislike.

[@Qualia.]

I work at a store and so I engage in lots of small talk with all kinds of people. I feel these little conversations have helped me develop into a more well rounded person and have taught me a lot about myself.

[@sneeb271]

My issue with small talk is that it often starts with "How are you feeling" or what I surmise to be an equivalent and for me the three moods are "idk depressed?", "aaaaaaaaaaa" and rarely "very happy" and these all don't feel like socially acceptable things nor would I even wish to talk about the underlying problems (although that surpasses small talk) On the giving end I just like don't tend to care how people are doing like I don't want them to be doing bad it's just not something that I really care about and so it feels disingenuous to ask Edit: after looking through other comments it seems people do like talking about what's bothering them so I'll expand: The first point is that it feels pretentious to be like "I'm thinking about how messed up society is" because that's obviously something that should rationally take priority over a lot of other things and do by bringing it up I'm worried it'll dampen the mood even more than it already would. Secondly personally I don't have a label that identifies with what I am going through (in large part due to my lack of research) and I don't know how to describe it accurately in my own words. Third I'm just generally bad at transferring ideas in my head to speech a problem which is harder and more important when expressing my feelings. Fourth it just doesn't feel like it's what the other person is looking for especially when I don't know them that well like I know it's kind of a cliche but I don't want to burden other people Probably throw in something about individualism and capitalism discouraging cooperation while you're at it and that's about it.

[@carlafuqua1685]

I had people in my life who would use any information against me, and I learned that small talk was dangerous. I still think it's dangerous, but I just don't care as much any more. Those who use it against me get cut out of my life or, at work, avoided.

[@TheCommunistColin]

As an autistic person (very glad to see other autistic people in the comments, also!) small talk to me feels performative and fake and like someone's throwing me a pity bone of "oh, this person doesn't look like they've had people talk to them today, I might as well be nice to them." I'd rather someone just leave me alone unless they genuinely want to interact with me and are emotionally invested in me in some way, even if it's just curiosity at who I am or what I'm doing. Someone coming up to me and talking to me puts me on alert and if it's just idle chitchat then it's just needless stress as far as I'm concerned.

[@maksun66883]

yeah i used to hate small talk but now I'm older and DGAF whether someone thinks I'm weird, i like it mostly, especially if the other person is pleasant. like they said in the interview, it's like birds chirping at each other. it's just humans smiling at each other making pleasant reassuring noises haha

[@MalMotorDedo]

I thought this was going to be a "small talk bad arghhhh" vid, so I didn't vote for it, but I'm pleasently surprised that this is actually a very informative and proposes a change of perspective (or, at least, a rethinking of our perspective). I feel like we have a big prejudice when it comes to "small talk", because we want our actions to be meaningful and when we don't think there's any meaning to be persuit, we deem those actions as "pointless". In this case, I feel like we need to search for that meaning, it's not gonna be handed to us. I engage in social interaction because I feel like it is a fresh idea compared to my regular "just go through it, asap". Some ppl don't want to do that and that's ok, but I do feel that this "what about their feelings? They may not want to interact because *insert reason*" should go to the other side too, "what about their feelings? They may want to interact because *insert another reason*". It's valid to not want to talk, but it is also valid to want to talk. My work requires me to talk to, at least, 100 strangers every day and, in my experience, when I stopped focusing on the "this is pointless" idea, I found myself more comfortable, because I deconstructed my expectations, because it doesn't need to be a super deep conversation always, because I don't need to find a purpose in every single thing I do and because a smile sometimes (again, sometimes) develops a smile back on someone who isn't having a great time (from personal experience and also seeing it). It's always hard, but focusing on how hard it is makes it harder IMO.

[@peach_total]

Im autistic and i do struggle with small talk but i also think small talk is a great thing over all and is important for humanizing the people around you and establishing community. honestly most of the "i hate small talk" takes ive seen have been from deeply allistic/neurotypical people

[@PourLaMourDeLargent]

I am a neurodivergent Black woman. Meaning 1) I was not socialized for 'small talk" & 2) social cues & performativity is hard & feels very unnatural/forced. I believe there is a level of social class & elitism related to the use of 'small talk'. I would expound but I am supposed to be working rn, so I may come back to this later. But I really enjoy this subject matter.

[@PourLaMourDeLargent]

the tiktok from jeremy was spot on, all that goes through my head in an instant lol i am constantly looking for a safe person.

[@cat_city2009]

I go both ways on this. I don't mind chatting about nothing with strangers, but I hate forced small talk and I can't force myself to care about stuff I don't care about when people talk about it.

[@chickenln]

I’m autistic and absolutely love small talk. Some times it leads to some pretty deep conversations, other times I speak like an NPC with comical dialogue. Like if someone asks how I’m doing, I’ll usually respond along the lines of “Can’t complain, it won’t pay my bills!” because no matter who I’m talking to it always hits. Small talk is the most easy script to follow in social contracts to me.

[@theodoesthings]

i don't have time to watch this right now but just popped over to say i will be a defender of small talk til the day i die, it genuinely is such a good way to get to know people. I'm a student currently and everyone always goes on about how they hate the "what course do you do?" question ("what's your major?" if you're in the US) but i genuinely think it tells you so much about a person.

[@atlasiscooler4694]

“What’s your major/course?” Is a fun question because at the heart of it, is “what are your interests and life goals?” It’s a pretty good branching off point for big conversations while still being something casual enough to ask to other people. Even if you know nothing about the person’s major/course, you can still ask them what it’s about or how it’s going, which still can lead into fun conversations. It also helps you realize if you have things in common with that person. I guess that’s what small-talk is for, anyway. It’s a branching-off point for getting to know the person.

[@KingButcher]

@@atlasiscooler4694 Those are two very different questions which result in different branching points. The former is more so "what are you goals *in school in order to graduate*"; a pretty small decision tree compared to the latter which spans more areas in life than just school.

[@eternalenigma1628]

I personally love small talk, but I don’t like when can’t people take the hint that you DON’T want to talk, like if I’m having a bad day and need some space. As a dog owner you kind of can’t avoid it. I can be wearing a hat, earbuds, and the biggest bitch face and people will still try to engage. If people don’t want to engage with others that’s perfectly fine, and I wish there was a socially acceptable way of saying “no thanks, I don’t want to talk right now.”

[@Joy_inc]

as person who has pretty sever social anxiety, i get really uncomfortable with the silence around other people, but a lot of the conversation about how "fake" small talk is makes me really stressed that people think that im trying to get something from it, and like i guess i am but i feel just trying to be a little more comfortable is really harmless

[@Kshahrewa_r]

I'm on the autism spectrum and I enjoy smalltalk sometimes!! I don't initiate it, and don't really plan to ever. But I do enjoy when others do.

[@lilacfields]

i definitely used to be the biggest small talk hater because i’ve always been bad at it. in my childhood my family would try to get me to go start a conversation or interact with a person, but i literally couldn’t. i’ve gotten a bit better now but i still cannot initiate small talk with strangers. i also have a hard time with the social niceties of saying things like “good morning” or “hello” to people when you first see them. also, waving to people and smiling at them. after seeing more and more about the benefits of small talk, i understand now that it’s necessary to engage when someone starts a small talk conversation with me. if someone starts a conversation with me, i can follow from their opening. i still can’t start my own, but i guess i’ll keep working 😭

[@heresene]

My dog had a lot of friends in our neighborhood before she passed and it has been kinda healing to interact with all the seniors who recognize my sidekick is missing.

[@bruhdabones]

“Small talk” is also like a social snack. It’s a mini social interaction, and sometimes that’s all you have time for! Maybe your partner is very busy so you don’t get to hear from them much beyond a quick bit of small talk for a few days in a row. And that’s fine! It maintains your connection and shows that you care ❤

[@dogebad]

"a lot of the time we conflate something being bad with us struggling at it" no, fighting games are just bad. i refuse to believe it's a "skill issue".

[@carrie040901]

I just throw it all put there like "o yea here's all the boring shit that dosnt reaky have anything to do with my personality please leave it where it lays and let's move on"

[@tacopok895]

Autistic person here, I feel like small talk itself really isn’t bad, but it’s more the concept of politeness itself. Politeness can be really tricky and hard to adhere to because the entire concept of it seems to oppose being direct in any way, which makes you feel like you’re navigating an invisible maze and being punished when you don’t get it right. That’s how I feel, anyway. If there wasn’t the risk of “getting it wrong” and being seen as impolite in social niceties like small talk it probably wouldn’t put me on edge as much

[@biindiecat2878]

As someone who hasn’t always gotten the chance to socialize with those around me, I really enjoy genuine small talk with friendly strangers

[@jaimecoppa8017]

I'm an introvert and have crippling social anxiety and I LOVE small talk!! Especially at work. Not only are they incredibly low stakes situations to practice socialization skills, but I live alone so they're often the only times I'm able to connect with people and my only opportunities to potentially form friendships. I practice just saying a bit more about myself than I think is necessary, asking questions about the person I'm talking to, and simply complimenting people more often and it usually goes well if the other person is receptive. Even just a "that sounds fun" or "I'm sorry you're having a rough day" can be enough to advance a connection or conversation. Overall removing expectations on both myself and other people to be and respond a certain way goes a long way in being genuine, open, and involved.

[@MIent1313]

22:00 my counter to this is always "is it inherently 'bad behavior' or is it just unfamiliar." Some are quick to say it is bad behavior. I'm usually hesitant

[@spikeyferret8613]

As a neurodivergent person on the spectrum who has struggled with small talk i think working in theater and doing drag for me really made me better at and love small talk yeah sometimes its difficult but I think being in a field where I feel comfortable and expressing myself the way I want to definitely helps out alot esspecially like when I'm in drag the interactions I have with people r so amazing most of the time

[@kirbirbstomp]

i just hate having to use a script around other people. i’m never myself in public and having to smile and respond to people is often tiring! i think positive interactions with others are very important, and community is a positive thing, but small talk is NOT the only way to go about building it. there are plenty of other actions we can do to connect with each other that don’t involve pretending.

[@legitsalt]

Ozu Yasujiro's "Good Morning" is a really amazing film examining the nuances of these issues -- a lot of which is along the lines of the conversations happening here. It's interesting to see how these ideas are framed across time and culture. Super cool to see new engagement and ways of thinking about things continue to evolve (while also not totally eclipsing the old)

[@Dusty_Inkwell]

Small Talk is probably one of my least favourite things in the world. I hate having to answer people with something if they talk to me and dread every second of it. When I hear a neighbour go out, right before I wanted to leave my house, I actively wait until their gone so I don't have to interact in any way or form with them.

[@aazhie]

I have many "Oh look at the time! I'm sorry, running late!" So then I can sit in my car and decompress for a moment:) You just gotta have a good, realistic interjection/emergency parachute ready!

[@kirbybie]

fr

[@sophiathefurbst]

@@aazhiedrop your keys!! It’ll give you a pause

[@mynameisreallycool1]

That's pretty valid. It can be annoying when someone tries to make small talk with you when you're obviously in a hurry or trying to get somewhere. I don't mind small talk in general, but there are some moments where it's not good. There's a time and place for it.

[@nicholaswoollhead6830]

Hm maybe work on that mate. Good neighbourliness is healthy

[@justsomenightowl7220]

Also, I love how well articulated you are! It’s so nice to listen to two clearly very well-read and thoughtful people for a change :)

[@celestialgems8762]

One more point now that I've watched the video and then I'll stop. One thing I don't think was mentioned was apathy. The conclusion was that if you put more effort in and care about people, you would enjoy small talk and that you should care about people because it's the right thing to do. I know people love talking about the human capacity for empathy, but a lot of times we forget that not everyone feels empathy and that not everyone feels empathy all the time. Like for me when I get in a depressive episode I literally can put any more energy than what I'm doing, no amount of reasoning or rationalizing can make up for it. It's natural for people to get drained and need to only care about very limited things. I don't always care about the person on the train car next to me, or the person at the counter handing me my order. The level of benefit I'd get from an interaction at that point would actually be more damaging to me and I have to put my potential loss over someone else's potential gain. I can't give to others at my own expense, and not everyone needs my energy. I also think people are confusing a 'lack of empathy problem' for what is actually a 'too many things to care about' problem. There have always been limits to who or what people care about, now it's just easier to see and therefore easier to judge. I'd argue that I don't always need to care about people, and I don't need them to care about me. I'm just trying to get through the day. If I'm not explicitly making someone's day worse, why do I need to put so much stress on making it better? Would it be nice if I said hi to someone entering my office building? Maybe, but it's not a moral failing to not do it. That's what I think the problem is, it's people expecting you to care about them and their needs regardless of your own. It's fair for everyone on every side to complain about the incompatibility, but what's not fair is forcing and convincing people to conform to either side. We should not let people force themselves into isolation out of fear of interaction, but we shouldn't force and shame everyone into interacting in ways that do not provide value in their lives. Everyone has the ability to be entitled and ask too much of the other side. But the problem lies where the general majority doesn't see that at times they are demanding too much of everyone else under the guise of it being "normal", "good", "healthy" Not everyone wants to have a conversation, not everyone needs the same amount of social interaction. Small talk is good if you want to talk, but not good when you remember that not everyone wants to talk. Apples are healthy to everyone except those who are allergic to apples, and even though some people can technically still eat the apple, why should they have to eat it in order to meet someone else's expectations for health?

[@Clau-chauNicol]

I really appreciate your thoughts because I think one issue for me might be that small talk has always been marketed as being "easy" and "low stakes" when its always been really effortful. Because while small talk itself isnt hard, talking to people you dont know is. Heck, maintaining the relationships that you have is hard. I think the problem with small talk is that it is hard in a lot of cases for a lot of people. I think just acknowledging that would get rid of a lot of this pointless posturing. I think these conversations are not so much about is small talk good but about the gap between how difficult small talk is and how easy people have been led to belive it should be.

[@LincolnDWard]

For me, small talk is at its hardest when it's with someone I want to get to know better. I oftentimes end up either oversharing or struggling for topics because what I really want is to hear the other person's whole life story, but it's not the right context for that when we're just stopping for a brief chat in a public place.

[@ernststravoblofeld]

My small talk invariably opens with, "Sorry, l had my earbuds in, what was that?"

[@93Hiroko]

Successful small talk will help build up to genuine big talk naturally. Which is part of the idea of dipping your toes in. This reminds me of another 90s movie, Good Will Hunting, where Robin Williams finally gets through to Will (Matt Damon) with genuine interest in him unlike the previous therapists and psychologists, who thought more about their clinical approaches than who he was past his coarse exterior. Their small talk is genuine even though Will tried to poke holes and sabotage and reveal how fake it was. I agree that small talk sometimes is just needed to start somewhere and let the conversation flow based on each individual person. I find people also struggle with abrupt big talk if you do it at the wrong times. When meeting someone for the first time and some times you need a light hearted break as a genuine rescue from the universally known stresses of life. I see it as potentially unwanted but its also inconsiderate to completely ignore someone rather than cut conversations short and politely. Autistic people know how to at least acknowledge someone back and choosing not to is a choice not an ablest issue. Foreigners who struggle with communication arent all unwilling to have a conversation because some really feel connecting with others is more important than articulating correctly or avoiding embarrassment.

[@dobo9150]

Oh boy, I love [insert album here] almost as much as [current internet favorite]! Best year for music since [year of StrongBad's solo album].

[@splendid03]

Have you noticed the influx of people that lump neurotypical or neurodivergent types together, as if every single neurotypical or neurodivergent person will fall into some unambiguous simplified category. I suppose more are becoming "same" in fear of being ostracized or on the opposite spectrum want to be so contrary and argumentative that reaching a mutual understanding is becoming seemingly more difficult. 🤔

[@splendid03]

Neurodivergent people under the same umbrella are vastly different with different illnesses, struggles, likes, dislikes. It reminds me of the Trans debate when Cis is being used in situations where it's not exactly beneficial or adding anything to a conversation. Society learns a buzzword and it's suddenly injected into our daily lives but adds nothing at all except confusion, repressing individual thoughts and ideas. 😥

[@darkworldkrisdreemurr]

To me, constantly going about my day not talking to anyone at all is isolating and depressing. I love having a little fun conversation with strangers sometimes. It makes me feel more connected to the people around me and often those people actually have very interesting things to say.

[@bibubbletea]

Same! You put this perfectly. I feel so much more human as an adult doing errands having little conversations and connections with others compared to when I was a teenager and always with someone I already knew who was pretty much the only one I interacted with in public. It feels like I’m part of a community, I can have a short little human connection with others. And especially at work as a cashier, it feels like people who don’t acknowledge my existence see me as some non human robot which doesn’t feel great when someone is the 50th person to treat me that way that shift. When someone talks to me, I’m less bored and I’m genuinely interested in hearing whatever they want to talk about, usually what pets they have at home since I work in a pet supply store, because it’s a little slice of human connection. I respect if someone just wants to get in and get out, I don’t talk to people who seem standoffish or busy, but I do genuinely appreciate the customers who acknowledge me as human instead of “cashier #2”

[@bibubbletea]

Same! You put this perfectly. I feel so much more human as an adult doing errands having little conversations and connections with others compared to when I was a teenager and always with someone I already knew who was pretty much the only one I interacted with in public. It feels like I’m part of a community, I can have a short little human connection with others. And especially at work as a cashier, it feels like people who don’t acknowledge my existence see me as some non human robot which doesn’t feel great when someone is the 50th person to treat me that way that shift. When someone talks to me, I’m less bored and I’m genuinely interested in hearing whatever they want to talk about, usually what pets they have at home since I work in a pet supply store, because it’s a little slice of human connection. I respect if someone just wants to get in and get out, I don’t talk to people who seem standoffish or busy, but I do genuinely appreciate the customers who acknowledge me as human instead of “cashier #2”

[@darkworldkrisdreemurr]

@bibubbletea Yes exactly! I know exactly what you mean (as a current teenager who only interacts with the one person I already know)

[@jackuval9362]

HE DOES NOT MISS Legitimately, I try to limit how often I watch videos from this channel (I say instead of "your videos" because I know it's a team) because I want to really internalize the ideas presented. Always consistently insightful and productive and I am grateful for it