Emotional Disconnection in Marriage: What it is exactly, how it shows up, and what to do about it

[@MonikaHoyt]

Hey guys! If you want to *JOIN MY FREE MASTERCLASS,* please click the link and register. Thank you! watch.monikahoyt.com/s/BgjnkV

[@Aggarwal_shipra]

The link doesn't work

[@joecrow2847]

I tried the link unsuccessfully.

[@pure-pisces9470]

It's the most crippling feeling in the world to be with an emotionally detatched man, especially if u are anxious...

[@TammySoulJourney]

😔

[@MrsErinjudge]

Especially when they are an amazing man!

[@bedtimeclub]

Yes! I just broke up with an emotionally detached man, he just froze if i got upset, i felt he wasn't there for me. I got home after a hard work shift & he just froze & played with his cat. I asked if he loved me & he said no.

[@juliedippner1546]

Such a lonely place....

[@andrewcalcote722]

The truth is… See yourself first. As much as this shines light on, it is all about you and understanding your past adventure. You can and will bleed on people if you do not heal yourself. God speed from Texas.

[@Kallenxo]

I was never anxious in our relationship until after marriage. He has made me feel like the most unwanted woman despite all of my efforts to be a great wife housewife and mother. It’s so hurtful and he doesn’t seem to notice or care. I’m tired.

[@jp5419]

Narcissism?

[@missyk1477]

I've spent 23 years with an emotionally disconnected husband. A few years ago, I've learned to "just let go". No nagging, no bitching, no complaining. My hope was that maybe he would have a desire to connect with me. What I've learned is, that he is happier NOT connecting with me, and has grown even more distant. It's a no win situation.

[@sana-cm7oc]

men need sex to emotionally connect. women need to connect emotionally to have sex. stop criticizing him and yourself

[@shellcshells2902]

I could have written this 😢

[@sana-cm7oc]

Men need sex to emotionally connect. Women need to emotionally connect to have sex. Find the overlap on the Venn diagram.

[@mikesalas2683]

That’s what I experience w my wife 26 yrs married and when I ask for help to fix marriage or suggestions I get not much response So I go to therapy solo for me

[@lucymonaghan]

Who or what is he connecting to instead ?

[@Aggarwal_shipra]

Didn't know that so many other ppl are facing the same issue..it is so bloody hard. Feels like no escape to it. Specially when u have anxiety and the man is basically a good human being but totally emotionally shut for you.😢

[@Kelseaeff7436]

Omg this is me

[@Kelseaeff7436]

My husband was never emotionally connected to me. From start I always tried to connect with him but he would always push me away. He would prioritize everyone but me.

[@Cardinal8487]

Wife always accused me of not having her as my priority. She was despite my effort to prove otherwise. Eventually I caught her in an (emotional) affair due to her odd behavior - and her friends were also cheating. Today we’re roommates and now I can honestly say she’s not my priority. My kids, my mother and spouse.

[@melissawilliams7238]

I'm starving for emotional connection more than food and I haven't eaten Today(at all) plus I spent six of eight working hours in excessive heat. I want to leave to and go hang out with someone else for an hour just to share emotional connection with another human being.

[@dougmccoll6126]

This happened to me. But it was a chick that I worked with that I started feeling emotional connection with. The feelings went crazy and I became, excited, afraid, had panic attacks, it was an emotional storm that affected my behaviour and the harder I tried to control it the more intense it got.

[@lwc7568]

I am very lonely in my marriage of 15yrs. I feel like I am always chasing down my husband to find meaninful connections with me. I feel like he constantly pushes me away. I feel emotionally cheated and neglected. This video is spot on...thank you for validating.

[@Gurlhmong]

Find another source of support- friends, sisters, families. You will slowly learn to back away from your partner, lean and rely on him less.. and who knows, it may help you leave him or tolerate him (speaking from experience).

[@judelynbailey2268]

Same here...married 18 years.

[@lunacavemoth]

i feel the same way. i don't think there is any hope

[@mikesalas2683]

Same here w my wife 26 yrs married and kids out of the house now No closer together even when our kids where home and now they are on there own connection and communication has not changed

[@VanessaSimon26]

Same here. 20 years of emotional neglect and sexual neglect. He is an “Avoidant” and I have anxious attachment. Right now I feel the worst I have ever felt. Depression and anxiety. I hope our new therapist can help us. Living in a sexless marriage has been brutal on me. I don’t want to be roommates any more. But I don’t ven know if I want to be sexual with him anymore. He certainly doesn’t. Sigh. I am so sad.

[@burningheart2909]

My wife left our 7 year marriage who struggled being emotionally available (sharing feelings, giving opportunity). Felt more like a roommate situation-ship. 😢

[@mikenelson5395]

I'm going through this right now with my wife of 16 years. This is one of the hardest things I've ever dealt with.

[@bethelshiloh]

I’m so grateful that my man has my back.

[@MamaWads]

11:20 she begins to give tips to reconnect. Very helpful.

[@kurtpokorzynski9327]

Wow. This was so well put. I've been trying to save my marriage for the last 20 of its 23 years. My health and well being has suffered so much. Finally now I'm learning to detatch myself without judgment of them, or me. This is not easy, but I'm starting to see that there are people around me again.

[@mariangarnett3964]

I can relate

[@nataliehilton1537]

20 years?! Why? I couldn’t think of anything worse than going through that for a month, yet alone 20 years. You deserve better. Anyone who can persevere with anything for that long is evidence you deserve better. All that energy could have been used for someone who appreciated it.

[@TomikaKelly]

If youre spending 20 years trying to save something, maybe you just need to go ahead and let it go. It doesn't want to be saved.

[@nwitbooi8039]

Why, when i talk to my husband about my issues, he always blames me for what happens to me, or the reason why people treat me a certain way. But somehow, i find him emotionally supporting other female colleagues or even telling me how he emotionally supported a colleague in a way that calmed her down and soothed her.

[@1Foryourface]

You need to leave

[@MelePaasi]

Run

[@sentilemlaao8064]

That is me and my husband

[@Jonnyf5]

Thank you for this video. So interesting that most of these videos/ comments are from women. I am a man that this is happening to. Perhaps its a stigma in our society that a man cannot be emotionally neglected because its not macho to be emotional. I found this video because I am feeling this way in my relationship. Its a real feeling of loneliness and I wish that everyone finds a resolution or a source of support.

[@mariangarnett3964]

We are all here because we feel that loneliness and disconnection. With all the upset it will cause l need to leave for self preservation. At some point we need to think about ourselves and acknowledge that we deserve to be happy too. Good luck on your journey

[@bane469]

Same here Jon.

[@crystalk98]

My husband is a workaholic. He owns his own business but its a 7 days a week, 365 days a year, usually sun up to sundown kind of gig. We also live rurally, 20 mins out of a small country town....so other than when my teenaged kids are home from school, I am always alone. We were very close before he brought the business (about 15 years ago), as he worked more regular hours and at least had most weekends off. We've had many discussions/arguments about it but the man just loves work and doing well financially. Work is by far his biggest priority. We've definitely drifted apart but there's nothing I can do about it.

[@buffuniballer]

@12:10 - read the body language loud and clear. When I tried to be in the same room with my now ex-wife, she would just get up and leave. Attempts to reconnect were rebuffed. After enough, I got into hobbies and she chose to have an affair. You cannot connect if the other person refuses to take down her walls. No matter how good your intentions may be, it ultimately requires the person with the wall up to want to take them down. You cannot want it for her.

[@JessicaHanna1229]

Sometimes she may want to take the walls down but doesn't know how to and is terrified of being hurt again. Once you build them-especially if it was something the husband did to make her build them in them in the first place- it's SO hard to break them down. Trust me, letting yourself be vulnerable again is hard when you've been hurt by that person before.

[@dahrunriver2924]

This is a perfect description of my neurodiverse relationship. If you are both neurotypical, thank God. There’s hope for you.

[@GDub96]

Married an emotionally disconnected woman. Many years later I feel like I married an acquaintance. We barely speak to each other. We only discuss problems that affect her. However, if I leave its all my fault and I lose the life that I worked very hard for. Laws in this country need to change.

[@kurtkaiser7436]

Amen to that brother!!

[@missyk1477]

YES!!!! Married 23 years and experiencing the same thing. I don't leave simply because I don't want to lose EVERYTHING and start all over again.

[@ck4942]

Agree whole heartedly…26 years of marriage together for 30 but feel trapped by the court system.

[@jerrykasinger8621]

Same​@@ck4942

[@jerrykasinger8621]

​@@missyk1477same

[@momobetter31]

Having no emotional support from my partner is the loneliest place to be. To know that your life person has no real concern for your heart. Is there a way to live through it?

[@mariangarnett3964]

My decision is to leave. Among other things l fear being lonely after 30yrs of marriage but l realise l am lonely now

[@catbee1452]

@@mariangarnett3964 Yes, wow, EXACTLY.

[@mr.segway3706]

My partner is a sociopath. I'm torn so torn. She has feelings but cant ever convey them. We have kids it's so hard. Everything I read says get away! I love her though. She is a wreck and someone has to love her. It mine as well be me. It feels unsafe.

[@ShadaeBalancesKnightAstro]

@@mr.segway3706 I think personalities that struggle with expressing and receiving full range of emotions is stemmed from childhood abuse and or neglect. I do wonder if it’s manipulation for the ones who were very expressive in the beginning however shift sometime later in the relationship once the other spouse falls I’ve with them. I can relate but how you’re feeling 🌸 💗

[@RealityUntold]

If you are suffering, it is your own mind causing it. Who is in control of your mind? I'll answer it for you. You are. Not any other human. And it is NOT the responsibility of any other human to fix you. Buddhist's have known this fact for thousands of years.

[@montezchaseparker]

I didn't know that I was emotionally detached until my wife pointed it out. We've been together for 6 years and I honestly thought things were going well. She says I don't give her attention which I couldn't understand because I am always there for her every request and all of her wants and needs. I didn't know that you can ignore someone who's always around. How I got this way, is a question I can't answer. She tests me everyday and I fail those tests horribly. I am not an emotionally charged person but my wife is very much the opposite and highly sensitive.

[@patfitz6098]

Sorry to ask, how do you manage to survive this,? I think I'm in the same situation

[@MsTiffanycb]

Almost 9 years of marriage and it’s been rocky the last few years. My husband is emotionally detached and I am preparing myself mental, emotional and physically for divorce. I can’t live like this.

[@Justanobodybro]

when you really truly love and care about someone u don’t divorce even if ur emotionally detached

[@porshiaw.788]

@@Justanobodybro Yeah right! No one wants to walk around all day in pain and come home to someone who does not care. If they aren't going to help fix the issue the it's best to move on and save yourself from having more pain inflicted on you!

[@mariangarnett3964]

@@Justanobodybro I'm sorry but l don't agree. Sadness and loneliness in a relationship is a hard thing to accept

[@zifilembozi1787]

How are you two doing now?

[@ansjebruijnschoeman5928]

I get you. The only way a person can seem to survive and protect yourself is by knowing you can leave when u are ready.

[@severeon]

Going thru a separation now. I've been without affection or emotional connection for over 3 years now. My wife disconnected from me and married her phone

[@warren52nz]

Thank You! You might have saved my marriage. 😘 I'm an engineer so my first response to a problem is to try to find a solution but I now see that that's not the best initial approach.

[@warren52nz]

@@WORLDWISDOMSPEAKS Me too. Let's hook up. Not right now but later. I'm on New Zealand time.

[@officialalvyn]

This is so me. Am a solution oriented person so its my direct approach to everything

[@jessatarbert2288]

its is such as lost, lonely feeling.... really working on things, in partnership going round and round about "its communication that most important than I will connect with you" (what my beloved says) .....response " I feel its about our connection first than communication flows into various areas and ways more naturally " (the way I view things)... the struggle is real.emotional disconnection. blessings for all the love and healing work we are all on journey with.

[@aaronkhoowk]

My wife has a traumatic experiences while growing up. Right from the start, she was rejected even before birth cause her parents wanted a boy. She was left handed but was beaten on her left hand until she became right handed. She often falls ill and having stomach aches, and force to eat until she throws up, physical abuse during childhood and verbal abuse most part of her life. Whenever we fight, she will go into this regression or Borderline Personality Disorder; we have not got it diagnosed; just based on symptoms. Connection emotionally works. Fixing the problems fails terribly. We are seeing counsellor and physiatrist but it does fully help. The answer lies in me, how i need to be connected and hear her.

[@Star-dj1kw]

It is admirable that you are so compassionate with your wife’s traumatic childhood but take of yourself. Do you follow the KZbin channels The Crappy Childhood Fairy and Patrick Teahan- kzbin.info/www/bejne/faq7mZutbpmseqc

[@ShadaeBalancesKnightAstro]

It’s awesome that you are here learning and advocating for your partner and marriage. Best wishes to you!!!

[@annu2136]

This gives a lot of insight! I’m still single and have never been in a relationship, but I have never had any deep meaningful relationship even with my own parents, so I came across this video when I was trying to figure out what love meant to me and what a healthy relationship was. Thank you so much for this video

[@sumaiacosta136]

It took me a lot of work to realize the disconnection between my husband and I came from my mothering him. I've hurt him a lot, and don't blame him for creating space. I know he loves me and I also know our marriage.Can be wonderful again.

[@janelladavis9830]

I rarely comment on videos but this has hit sooo many buttons for me... I do believe its my "root" along with other childhood traumas. I'd love to share this with my husband but because I dont feel emotionally safe, I fear he may be offended and Im tired of going through that with him. I'll pray on it. Thank u ❤

[@mysteriouschaos3849]

Stuck with parents from pandemic. This describes our relationships to a T! My fears and feelings are not acknowledged, yet they are used to manipulate me. I willingly lay everything out on the table. Not only is that not reciprocated, not validated, it is actually INVALIDATED. My feelings don't have a logical explanation that they can understand, therefore my feelings are wrong. This really is a terrible place to be.

[@classylady5943]

Im really sorry to hear that 😢

[@kathrynkeefauver2415]

Parents have a hard time not being parents. From the time a baby is born, and even for the mother in utero, the basic instinct is to protect. Protect is an action word. They feel they must use their experience to protect you by guiding to new ways of thinking. Try this before starting the conversation, " I want to talk to you about .... but first I just want you to listen before you say anything". Give them direction of what you need out of the conversation. No one can give something they don't know is needed. And no it's not intuitive, they are people too. Last suggestion choose your timing. Don't do it when they're driving or busy maintaining daily life. Request a block of time for their full attention. If you want what you have to be taken seriously you must treat it seriously. Passive aggressive doesn't work.

[@soulEATERofcookies]

@@kathrynkeefauver2415 some parents are just closed off and there isn’t much you can do as the child...

[@shraddhabhamaiker]

Needed this message on this subject. Thank you, explained so well.

[@jermam2010]

She hit spot on for me. Resentment, and I don’t want to connect ever

[@toomylight2311]

Ye got to the stage where I do t even try anymore. Sad but true because it’s exhausting

[@ninaz2120]

Emotional disconnection happened to me after getting involved with someone who was emotionally disconnected from the get go, and after a while I realized I was dealing with a soulless sadist that his only intention was domination and exploitation. Just like his emotional disconnect happened to him to protect himself again his horrid childhood, the same thing happened to me to protect myself against the manipulative predator he has become.

[@YOU-niter]

He’s a dismissive avoidant attachment style I’m living with 1 🫥 I’m anxious preoccupied attachment style & it’s HELL for me.

[@YOU-niter]

Emotional connection between couples is vital. Disconnection HELL.

[@leemawele1296]

You are so ryt,my husband behaves that way and am detached 😒

[@glennrobertson1211]

Thanks so much for this presentation. So true. I am amazed tho at reading mostly women speaking about disconnected husbands. There is a reason for this... and its explained so well right here!!

[@OmwenePriscilla-mh8co]

I can cry about something but he can never bother to know

[@xosteven9847]

How would you go about helping someone who isnt in a relationship but are still emotionally disconnected with there friends and family. Asking for a friend

[@mariangarnett3964]

It could be pain/tauma they encountered in the past. Even as early as childhood. You could be a good friend to them but they may need someone to help them go deeper and find out the reasons

[@-itzmocha-3215]

This was helpful even for a 16 year old lol, been with him for 2 years and it’s getting really rough, he has awful communication and always says he’ll do better but he doesn’t, then after he doesn’t meet my emotional needs he then gets pressuring about intimacy and guilt trips me and makes me feel bad about not wanting to do anything with him. I love him but I think we just need a break from each other since we are both really young and in the most stressful stages of life and this is just overwhelming.

[@chriss4365]

you are too young to be in a relationship sheesh.

[@parentalonion6552]

@@chriss4365 lmao quiet down, mate. what age are you supposed to be in a relationship? In my opinion. It's better to start dating when you're a teenager. Y'know, so you can figure out who and what you're into and understand yourself better. Know your type, sexuality, etc. Have experiences and such, heartbreak, develop crushes, learn problem solving skills in relationships, learn how relationships work, and just have emotional connection and some physical affection like hugs, kisses, holding hands, etc. I wouldn't suggest getting in or expecting big serious relationships with marriage plans and kids or anything of that sort, unless it's really going in that direction. But it's good to have relationships lmao.

[@Justanobodybro]

@@chriss4365 nope ur wrong

[@chriss4365]

@@Justanobodybro why is that because you dated young and think it work?

[@pure-pisces9470]

WOW u are way to young for that mental pressure!! Think about having a friendship or something with way less pressure/guilt tripping or at least something where u are getting your emotional needs met, get out while u can have fun & enjoy your life, u have plenty of time for relationships let alone a serious one - at least one that is equally giving/caring!!

[@JayP-kd5rc]

Very helpful and informative. Everything you say makes perfect sense.

[@justinbarden4356]

Finally a video that explains it! Thank you ma am! I am very grateful for the explanation

[@keneilwemohlabane1288]

Many thanks dear. Powerful and spot on.

[@astridmallari9288]

This is exactly my issue with my long term relationship and I had to end it.

[@christophermontes5826]

I’m afraid of losing my wife. She has been identifying her need for love and emotion but I keep showing her that I am emotionally detached. 6 months ago we were in a great place now after dealing with several deaths in both sides I can’t seem to get it right is there something more I can do

[@dewannaglow8365]

Sounds like you’re afraid to loose her too. Give her a “just because I was thinking of you gift” like flowers to her job and lunch. I hope everything is well

[@UncommonLeadership777]

Sorry to hear about the hardship and loss going on with you. If you’re still in this situation try writing your wife a letter. Perhaps use a numerical list to share your thoughts. As a wife to a Emotionally distant man, this is a letter I would be grateful for 1. Your love for her and What you love/appreciate about her. 2. How much you value her and what she does for you that no one else does 3. How you are listening when she describes her needs. 4. How you suffer with poor communication skills but, know what you need/want…(this should include details about your wife (such as drinking coffee together, taking small drives together, sleeping in peace next to her). 5. How you seek information to build connection with her. 6. How much you see a good future with her. 7. How much you appreciate her for teaching you how to emotionally connect❤ I hope this helps!

[@angelayaung7417]

I love the simplicity and clarity ❤️❤️❤️

[@Abellephoto]

My partner disengaged as a way to coping with a traumatic situation with his daughter. I felt it brewing in the background. This has been going on for a few months already. When I discussed it with him, he confirmed that he had numbed himself to us. He built walls around him. He said he doesn't know how to numb the pain of the trauma and still have loving feelings. He did not brush me off. He did not deny it. He did say he was concerned that I was hurt because of this pulling away. I am understanding. I am giving him space. I am happy he puts the well-being of his child first. It is such a scary situation for me as I worry that the love for me will not come back. Ever. I just noticed today that he has removed a cute picture of us together that he had kept by his bedside. I am heartbroken.

[@sweettalani2871]

Have things gotten better?

[@Abellephoto]

@@sweettalani2871 Aren't you sweet to ask?! He came back a couple months later to say he needed a break from us. Knowing him to be a very black and white person, I knew it was more than a break. He was done. He mumbled something as an explanation but I admit I don't remember much of what was said. There is nothing I could have done differently. Hurt people hurt people and that is what he did. He did it before I came along and, chances are, he will do it again. I miss him. I am still hurting but I know this one is out of my hands. You? How are you doing? Have you gone through something similar?

[@Gurlhmong]

⁠@@AbellephotoI’m sad to hear the outcome of your relationship. If anything, he didn’t continue to string you along. I’m sure you would’ve wish things were different, but sometimes a partner leaving is better than continuing to keep the person and hurt them. I’m sorry your ex couldn’t work things out with you. It probably hurts beyond comprehension. I pray that you have continued to thrive and worked through your healing.

[@decoy139]

Thank you. Good advice even for not married couples in not so long relationships.

[@catbee1452]

Even the most brilliant communicator is rendered ineffective when the partner is unable to communicate effectively.

[@judithjackson1086]

That's my situation 😔😩

[@karashea7823]

And/ir just prefers not to communicate.

[@studioseaglass]

Yes! So spot on, thank you.

[@amandabarrett2472]

This was amazing. I wish it could be implemented in my relationship from both of us.

[@edieseltzer4896]

This was so so so helpful. Thank you

[@MonikaHoyt]

You're welcome!

[@mikehansen7103]

I'll save you 14 minutes of time - here's the beginning and end of this whole issue - At 14:01 in the video Ms Hoyt opines about communication "You might be right about your perception about something - that doesn't matter without empathy". Roll that little doozy around in your head for a minute! Why even bother engaging in a thoughtful, truthful dialog when (and I quote) "that doesn't matter". And then just read the hundreds of the lamentations in the comments below from women who simply can't fathom why their husbands disconnect themselves. And notice something missing in all these complaints? Every one of these women apparently thinks that the detachment started spontaneously out of thin air when in fact a major factor is that they neatly discount their own "that doesn't matter" mindset! You see - the word "empathy" has a different definition depending on your gender. I claim the difference is Darwinian. Males see empathy as being the first derivative of friendship and male empathy is mainly expressed in males working together as a team for a mutual goal. However, female friendships are substantially different with female empathy being used as an antidote to feelings of individual anxiety or stress. This fact strikes at the heart of the distinctly female emotive response "you may be right, but that doesn't matter" that serves them well when nurturing children but frustrates communication with their male partners. Therefore I posit that emotional disconnect in males is a survival instinct used when dealing with individuals whose primary position on many issues is "You might be right about your perception about something - that doesn't matter without empathy".

[@patricks1251]

Aka ignore reality for the sake of listening this is like mind fuck

[@toomylight2311]

My husband works so much he’s head just isn’t there for dmc Kids are reared mortgage is cleared but still same attitude with work every time I approach it using the I statement or try different ways the red mist comes over him not having any of it , suggested counselling and said no . I’m done at the end of my tether . He has so much to u pack but I realise now that I can’t change that .

[@legbreaker5376]

i’m at a desperate point because I haven’t had that connection in my 25 year marriage of my wife not once and I really just don’t know what to do anymore. Mike kids are adults and I am 49 years old. I don’t look yet but I am and I don’t know what to do because I know that at this point, I don’t think that will ever be met. I think I’ll die alone. I believe my wife doesn’t even care if I live or die be honest at All.

[@caseyturner9192]

❤

[@Gazork.ChumbleSpuzz]

This is interesting to apply to creativity too; considering my creativity as a living relationship with creative work rather than the work simply as an object I produce.

[@1MagnificentMr]

I really want to learn more on this subject I have a problem being emotionally connected even when I thing I am it feel like my body does something different than what my brain is trying to relay

[@MonikaHoyt]

It probably feels safer to not be connected, those old programs are hard to transcend with just your mind.

[@jennifere4641]

I started feeling emotionally "unsafe" after about 20 years. The first red flag was when he told me I was putting on weight and the 2nd was when he asked what MY retirement plans were.... 🤔He then started giving me the silent treatment in 2018, which lasted 18 months. When he did look at me, the contempt in his eyes scared me. We had started drifting apart and then I realized if I don't leave, we will continue to co-exist in silence. When the lawyer called him in 2020 he raged at me later at home, he showed such anger towards me which I'd never seen. (He had always told me to stop being so emotional. I'm an empath). I planned my departure, been on my own for nearly 3 years now. No regret, no walking on egg shells. Getting divorced was the only solution. 🐦✨🐾💖🙏

[@ladylexiea3084]

This was so helpful. Thank you

[@melkerner]

Hard to maintain connection when she won't look at me, cuddle, kiss or even engage in physical intimacy. She wants the marriage with zero effort, happy to live within her walls (where it's safe).

[@IrfanKhan-pw4oj]

Very well explained, thanks

[@siobhanorourke2570]

What do you do when the other person accepts the non verbal connections but never initiates them and still remains defended and distant outside those moments. It's very hard not to feel vulnerable and to lose hope.

[@TGmrz]

sounds like they have been burned in the past and are very afraid of being burned again.. if you don't allow yourself to be vulnerable by initiating then you won't feel unwanted if rebuffed.. broken trust is very very hard to regain once lost. They don't trust you enough to be vulnerable with you

[@dougmccoll6126]

yes body language about 90% also tone, pitch, speed of talking, amplitude, facial expression...which is mostly subconscious...we show our intent...we cah control it and try to get our real point percieved more clearly...or decieve/hide ny doing the same. The words we say are also a matter of interp to add to the confusion. That is why Drama class should be a mandatory subject in school!

[@lexi12006]

thank you so much,it was very clear and helpful!

[@ogenaugustine7652]

Good news

[@makeupdesigndiva]

This is awesome!

[@Maverick305Bliss]

Any chance anyone might answer this? I have been with my wife for 20 years, 13 years ago I felt like she and I were discussing after the birth of our son. The division got larger and larger through the years. I went to counseling to better myself for her but she put forth no effort or interest in changing. Now, 13 + years later I am not even allowed to touch her. How could what seemed to be a solid relationship for 7 years (3 dating; 4 married) all go to hell like it has.

[@lindatannock]

Having a child seems to very often cause a rift between partners. It's like starting a whole new life together, as you now have this little person to care for, and you're suddenly overtired and overworked, and focusing on the child, rather than each other. The mother spends all their time looking after the baby. Time you previously spent together as a couple. Suddenly you feel like you're not wanted anymore, or you're tired when you get home from work and resent being handed the baby as soon as you get home from work (as the wife is exhausted caring for them all day). Any of this sound familiar? I'm no expert, but maybe start by having a chat about it. Express your concerns about being distant now. Tell her you want to work on getting back to how you used to be. Maybe try starting date nights. Surprise her by taking her out to dinner or something. Buy her little gifts (they don't all need to be expensive. Just her favourite candy bar shows you pay attention to her likes!) This is already too long lol. Hope you get the gist. Try Geoffrey Satiawan on YT. He's a fantastic relationship counselor. Best I've seen on YT tbh. I think he could help you a lot! Wish you all the best.

[@Maverick305Bliss]

@@lindatannock I understand what you are telling me and I am very appreciative that you even took a little of your undoubtably precious time to not only read my post but also feel compelled to help; that is greatly appreciated. Our son is 13 now. I unfortunately don’t make the type of living that could support my wife being a stay at home mom. In actuality my wife is college educated; very distinguished in her career with multiple awards… she now makes more than I do (for a laugh- she won’t let me be a stay at home dad-😁can’t blame a guy for trying) This is my second and last marriage (no matter how it works out) my first marriage gave me two children. A daughter and a son. I am not the stereotypical male as I took care of the children most of the time. I wanted my wife(ves) to get sleep and rest. I have always been a helpless romantic; knight in shining armor if you will; or at least that is how I handled things. In my family as a child I saw my father go to work, come home tired and the dinner was ready either as he walked in or shortly afterwards. This is what I refer to when I said stereotypical male. Because in all three of my uncles homes it was the same way. Yet as I grew I saw the unbalance between mom and dad. Mom also worked all day, but she was expected to have dinner ready on-time. The weekends was the time for housekeeping. My father got to rest while mom vacuumed the floors around his feet (later on it was either my sister or myself, but he had to rest for work). I decided that when I got married that wouldn’t happen. I was taught to cook, clean, do all sorts of housework and of course all of the yard work. So both wives got to see how they were going to be treated. At least as equals if not a bit higher than me. The trouble I have with my current wife is that she didn’t get burdened with much in ways of taking care of our young one. I did most of it gladly… I wanted that bond with my children. I’m not trying to say I did it all or that she didn’t contribute well enough because she did. I am just trying to show that she had significant help. The first year to year and a half I didn’t even try and push for anything from her for myself (physical relations being primary). After that I really started noticing how she was distancing herself from me and we did have a sit down to discuss it heart to heart. I learned that there were things that I did that she didn’t like anymore. She liked it when we were dating and earlier in marriage but no longer. I sought out professional help as I wanted to make genuine changes. I’ve been in therapy now for over a decade. I’ve made many changes and do most anything she asks (not all, but I try). I have become to realize that the common denominator for all my problems is me. No matter how hard I try nothing works. My wife and I went to couples therapy maybe four times; (4 visits to an office, not 4 different therapists). Recently we had another chat (heart to heart) and she informed me that she wanted nothing to do with my issues, my desires or needs. So, the “knight in shining armor” turned out to be an idiot in tinfoil. I’ve told her that I wasn’t going anywhere (she wanted to stay with me under these conditions) and even though she won’t be there for me that I would be there for her. Still hoping either I fix what is wrong with me, or she’ll try…date nights, a thing of the past. She doesn’t want little gifts of any sort (she says that I might want her to reciprocate somehow)… Emotionally abused and abandoned as a child; and emotionally abandoned in adulthood…I am just winning at life… another day in paradise

[@Madamchief]

Kids

[@motivationindrive8514]

Literally just described on how I think my wife is feeling.

[@toomylight2311]

At least your aware of how she’s feeling that’s a plus

[@eliazarlazo4474]

Omg today I see I made so many mistakes thank u thank u God bless

[@AP-fr4pl]

SO SO SO GOOD!!!!! thank you so much

[@vernnewendyke5279]

It’s all in women’s minds

[@eromicafrancisco5477]

It's awful when your husband speaks to you like a child and always expects you to wait on them hand and foot, and when they have unreasonable high expectations of you and expect you to never mess up have an accident because thats unexcusable.when you speak and they don't hear you, they answer for you in a condescending way. When they verbally and emotionally abuse you for not answering them when you did they just didn't hear you and acuse you of lying. When they find fault in everything you do when you are so beat down, you dread coming home from work when you just want them they stay away from you. When they purposely invade your space when they cross boundaries that you have talked to them about. When they want you to move, they shove you to the side or snap at you to move. Somtimes the husband is a peace of work and you don't fully realize it until it's too late you've married them, and emotionally, they have beaten you down. It's so hard you aren't even confident in living on your own anymore.

[@dougmccoll6126]

When a man's career of job security is threatened or unstable this can cause him a loss of confidence and identity, of being provider and protector.. making him very vulnerable as he loses confidence in himself and the relationship with the woman (partner). It threatens his role of protecting the her, the home and children, which I'm sure is tied to biological programming that triggers a fear that she may be picked up by a better provider (it may not seem rational...but its biology of psych and visa-versa of survival. Current state of the world is not great for human connection BUT is great for therapists, and more jobs in the mental health field.

[@Madamchief]

It's not biological. My husband has zero provider instinct. He's only worked for 3 of our 15 year marriage and has been totally content in our parasitic relationship

[@melkerner]

EXACTLY! Add in the wife withdrawing sex (because she states she no longer needs it and it isn't important to her) and physical intimacy at the same time and you simply have a disconnected relationship, rife with loss of confidence, loss of trust and just going through the motions. Choices for men are extremely limited when you have multiple children (step and adopted) in the home. what are his choices? Work, shut up - stop trying to connect and live with the constant rejection and lack of intimacy - because living in a cardboard box for the next 25 years isn't a good option.

[@nooloo3000]

This helped out put a stumbling block the emotional connection part and not trying to fix everything it's hard because we want to fix everything

[@RU-ll9lk]

You are so spot on.

[@pugninja7037]

Totally see, this .. thank you

[@pranayaechuri6053]

how can i apply this to my mom

[@jaydixson1731]

Amazing information

[@MonikaHoyt]

Glad you think so!

[@vanessag6900]

Excellent advice.

[@MonikaHoyt]

Thank you Vanessa! ❤

[@stanleyumstead6035]

What's the connection between my wife raised with just her widowed mother and our 2nd marriage husband and our lack of intimacy verbal or physical, 1st marriage had physical violence!

[@rashmijagannath6435]

I feel like i have emotionally checked out of our marriage after trying everything in me to stay even after years of physical abuse, which stopped few years ago when i went to police thrice. But his habit Of complaining constantly about me to our family and friends even after sharing how i feel about it, i gave up. I don’t find any meaning in this relationship for me to even try to have a conversation with him. I have emotionally checked out. I don’t know what my next steps are but right now don’t want to disrupt my kids’ life as they both r in college and are very very close To both of us. I can’t even include marriage in the things i want to work On. I am recovering from a major accident so I am just going with everything happening in my life. Work, working out, my physical therapy and my Spiritual practice takes my time and i am Not even attempting or making time to talk to my husband. Very limited communication and absolutely no Interest in fixing the issue is my current state. I don’t know what my next steps are. Divorce, separation- don’t know

[@Gotoworkkk]

It sounds like it’s your fault. You don’t want to communicate with your husband. I’d love to hear his side of the story… Poor guy.

[@mitaki8574]

Thank you ma'am

[@AdamSababa]

Hey I have this with my mum and grandma (which is my entire family). I really don’t know how to solve this. I feel I am very emotionally advanced compared to them, and the disconnectedness is so high. In turn, I feel guilty for feeling this and wanna get away from them. How or what can I do?

[@greysmith6184]

Dealing with this too specifically with my mom. Hope u get a good answer too

[@AdamSababa]

@@greysmith6184 I found that perserverence in just loving them, despite their flaws, works best. And that you reap a benefit from it, as in, somehow there forms an understanding. Previous to this, I had resentment, but I am bypassing it with just appreciating them for who they are with their flaws

[@oambitiousone7100]

What if you can’t stand to be in the same room?

[@birseniremseyyah7414]

Could you explain a little about the perspective of the person who was left out of the circle? Because usually the sufferer is left out one

[@angelayaung7417]

I have been thinking a lot about this and I for one have been ruminating a lot bec I just felt like I don’t have the strength to leave bec of all the legal issues and stuff and I’ve done everything you mentioned but each time I think bout the trauma he’s done to me with his verbal and emotional abuse , I find it so hard to reconnect . We don’t even have any physical intimacy . Is there a way I can call u ?

[@mattrau6468]

Good Evening...Obviously an older video, but how does one get the #to call you or your crew for advice/feedback?

[@Anonymous-ik5fh]

My wife disconnected when I caught her having affairs....1w yrs not the same....narcissistic....fights all time with me.....her mom is same way so is sister

[@markcafebrown2883]

My spouse is emotionally unavailable. At year 14 of our marriage all of her past memories of past relationship abuse came back. I believe she has been emotionally unavailable because of the past trauma she went through now that I look back.

[@MonikaHoyt]

Yes past trauma can really break connection unfortunately

[@markcafebrown2883]

She is in therapy now finally and she still needs more time to heal she says she appreciates me and says we are still together and things will get so much better for and us as time heals her

[@Truckenbaby]

Exactly he gets so offensivewouldn't I share my? Feelings in emotions about his withdrawal

[@AmandaCramer-v1u]

How would substance use issues (drugs, porn, alcohol) leading to disconnect impact a couple's ability to reconnect?

[@marshellbrown8613]

Spot on this disconnect are men who just couldn't be available emotional has always been an issue for me. Starting from my foundation all the way up until now...

[@oambitiousone7100]

Emotional connection: If we are there for each other in times of distress. No judgment. But what if there is still have no attraction?

[@MonikaHoyt]

Hi guys! Please check my playlist on *How to Communicate Better.* Click here: bit.ly/2SjHVSM Thank you!

[@danielstan3345]

This is where i am,and its my fsult,i need to fix it

[@NuggetGamingYT]

my gf has been feeling disconnected. she no longer is sure about how she feels in regards to us. I'm having such a hard time figuring out how to navigate it all. I want nothing more than to help her but she's very shut off and she's distant both physically and emotionally.. Conversation is harder, she keeps herself "out of reach" It's just hard. idk what I should do how do I approach it with her when she just is so disconnected she doesn't hear me

[@MonikaHoyt]

sorry to hear, that is hard. Ask her if there is anything you can do to help, and give space if need be

[@shawnachapman3658]

Is there really a change that a spark can be reignited? It seems to be getting worse.

[@FlatOutCrAAYY]

How can I find the cost involved

[@hopeseeker97]

Husband emotionally shut down has comprehension issue (LD) 20 plus years lack of communication. Cannot retain and so we have been at odds forever. Did not know how severe. I love him but feel like im a race horse yoked to a plow horse! Any videos on when your spouse has problems like this? He is like a turtle in his shell. Ive tried every which way but he refuses to come out. I feel like walking away but too much is at stake.

[@MagickalMermaid]

I was involved with someone similar. I had to leave.

[@hopeseeker97]

@@MagickalMermaid :( sorry it didn't work out.

[@shravinim3247]

Same with me

[@th3coolestkid]

I’m trying so hard to get her to just work with me on this.

[@kmskurt1]

How do I book a free call? My wife calls me a narcissist. She kicked me out of the house. I am going to therapy but need all the help I can get