Enneagram Shorts Type 8: What to Expect in Relationship

[@emmawood4118]

I’ve been dating an 8 for almost three years and I’ve never heard something so accurate. You perfectly described his behavior! I admire 8’s love for life and always seeking more

[@wonderwomanmomma4112]

I am an 8 and always feel the uneasiness from others and I hate it. I really care for others and I want relationships.

[@hadi2397]

The part where you say 8s hate seeing people pussyfoot around and that we stir people up to see the life inside... That's me in a nutshell. Very direct too and I hate timidness.

[@andrewwabik5125]

You hit the nail on the head in the beginning. Especially when I was younger (and even now) I’m painfully aware of how powerless I feel sometimes. I’m genuinely saddened to hear that even my supervisor feels scared around me. I mean, I get angry, sure. But I’ve also had to do a lot of work not unintentionally scaring people. I feel a lot of compassion for people, usually. I guess the outer shell is there to protect it.

[@victoriaelena7327]

People see my 8-ness and think I'm trying to compete or one-upping. I want to be the best at what I do--- excellence. Yes, I tend to stir things up because I want people to stand up for themselves and not be pushed over. I also find I go to type 5 very easily and stew. This is very helpful!

[@paisleyprincess7996]

That’s me. I stew. A lot. And if things get boring I’ll stir things up

[@sabrinaclift1180]

People like you are the ones I like most in the world. You speak softly and tactfully, yet with noticeable conviction and sincerity. You say what you mean and you mean what you say, but in a respectful manner. It's very beautiful to witness. As an 8, I take note of these things because I wish there were more people like you in the world. :)

[@RyZeUpNation]

I'm a very strong type 8, Capricorn. I find it very difficult when people lie to me. I can sniff it out a mile away and give multiple chances for them to redeem themselves. I think that is because I want to see the good in people, and I want them to feel like they don't have to hide behind a fake image of being afraid to stifle themselves and their true feelings in any situation. Also i find it difficult as a Type 8 to realize that other people aren't as loyal, and genuine as I am. I agree 100% with Leslie, All we want is Honesty and to know that you're in it just as much as we are, and that makes us a stronger team.

[@erynmcentee7993]

HqKGaming my brother is also a type 8 and a Capricorn!! I wonder the intersection of astrology (all ones signs) and tendency toward certain types.

[@LampWaters]

My teenager has been tell lies and it drives me insane and I react and point it out then she doubles down and wedges more between us. I cant let her lie to my face I just cant it seems wrong and I won't tolerate disrespect either. Ppl say walk away or just listen. Listen while some lies, manipulates and then comfort them after the lie or the irrationality of their perception or actions. I call it. If I see I say it. Am I healthy to call out lies or healthy to brush them off... I don't even know the consequences for lies honestly I don't know what to do except say that's a lie. Especially if I have proof. But I'm mean because I won't let my daughter hide. I'm mean to call ppl out who avoid or ignore... it only bothers me if it is a moral, justice and virtue issue.

[@ronjar.747]

@@LampWaters Enneagramm is all about development and inner growth. I am a female 8w7 as well and feel you. But have you tried to figure out what enneagramm Type your daughter is? Then the nect step would be, to put on her "reality-glasses" and try to perceive the world as she does through her Type. You will realize that she focusses in totally different things&issues. And behaviours. And you will try to see her reasons. That is the path of common ground. And lying - one was or another- wont be an issue any longer.

[@ShadaeBalancesKnightAstro]

I understand your frustration. I’ve chosen to accept that lies are something folks do to protect their own shortcomings or insecurities. I had to reach this point bc I would feel furious and enraged especially with romantic relationships where I’d be lied to. It really sucks but I feel like I gave away my power expecting for an individual to be anything other than themselves. Have you had any luck crossing paths with anyone possessing the same degree of integrity as you? If so is there a special connection or bond? I’m still in search lol.

[@allimariee]

I am married to an 8. Love him so much. He is very direct and says whatever is on his mind. He will get upset and say things he doesn’t mean but be over it very quickly, where I am a 1 so it can be very difficult for my to get over because he is not being right. But he truly has the biggest heart and loves me so much. He always says sorry and that he will try to do better. This helped me understand why he does the things he does! Thank you 😊

[@cierakitty]

Being an 8 I get upset with people who have no common sense in a situation, or those who will not stand up for themselves but just sit there and take it. I will share whatever I have with anyone....but will not stomach a mooch or a bummer....someone trying to take advantage of me. In an arguement...if I am right and have proof, and facts to prove my point I will not back down. I have little fear of anything...I can do it and I do. I am independent, travel on my own, vacation, plan, etc. I cannot get along with people who are wishy washy, it is either this way or that, like they cannot make up their minds. Do not like people who are always late with their lame excuses. If I see someone being mistreated, yes I will step in no matter where I am be it human or animal. If I say I will do something for someone they know they can count on me. I do not "follow" a crowd.....but will observe, then decide, I want to know exactly what I am getting in to. Assertive, well, we can pretty well handle ourselves in a situation if need be. I do not bully anyone, but they know where I stand because I will not back down from them.

[@kalilacampbell8449]

Spot on!

[@averysimplesecret]

Absolutely love this overview. I'm new to the Enneagram and understanding myself and others through studying it. I'm an 8 and connect with so much of what you're saying and genuinely appreciate the reminders of how we impact space/others without intent. I also love that you talked about the ways 8s can improve through awareness of self and empathy. Sure, obvious that's what you do AND as an 8 I will literally take every reminder I can get while better understanding myself and how I can be better for the people around me and those I love.

[@lady-disdain]

8 here- I love this so much! I always hear about unhealthy portrayals of 8s, and this was such a balanced take. I’d also like to add the joy of having someone you can be emotional with. Being the safe person for someone who is normally guarded with military precision is amazingly refreshing

[@margaretjudice8944]

Great information! I have been watching enneagram videos during the past few months. This is new information compared to what I have heard about 8s. Thank you for sharing!

[@BryanBrooks]

I can’t tell you how much I identify with everything in this video. This is literally describing me. Thank you so much for helping me understand myself more!

[@Texaslife98]

Did you take the test?

[@anniehutchings7389]

Oh my goodness yes!! I am always so confused by the Intimidation. This was so helpful. Thank you!

[@charissaeden9604]

As a 9, type 8’s intimidate me to my core. I watched this video to understand 8’s more and it was very helpful!

[@christithompson319]

Charissa Eden I am a 9 and have been married to an 8 for almost 27 years! 😳 I wish that I had known this info years ago.

[@thejuan113]

why do we intimidate you?

[@charissaeden9604]

John Hatton I have a lot of respect for how assertive 8’s can be. Though many 8’s can be rather aggressive with their opinions. Certainly not all, but many. One of my closest friends is an 8. We’ve had to navigate how to communicate well in our friendship because she has in the past, given her opinions on a topic without giving my opinions even the slightest chance. That is pretty damaging for a 9. Thankfully we’ve now learned how to communicate quite well, regardless of our personality types.

[@thejuan113]

Charissa Eden Interesting. Thank you for sharing!

[@adhdgirlies]

I think 9s can handle eights alot better than other types. Your alot tougher than you think. Plus 9s feel like people dont care about their opinion so it takes a self aware 8 to slow down and ask their opinion instead of expecting the 9 to communicate how the 8 openly expresses themselves.

[@Dawn-Kostohryz-Realtor]

Just now learning about my 8-ness and my husband's 2-ness. Thank you so much for these shorts, because they are teaching me so much about myself and those around me!!! I cannot believe it took me until I was in my 40s to learn this!

[@hilarykey8189]

One of my sons is an 8, and I swear he has mystified me until I discovered the enneagram. Thank you so much for this video. He can be incredibly dramatic and defiant. As a 9 w1 I’m learning to stop babying, coddling and manipulating him and to stand up for myself without getting angry. What a challenge!! But it will be worth all of this figuring. He’s an amazing kid.

[@marnaecoleman257]

Hilary Key Me too! My daughter is an 8 and challenges me out of my little safe inward place, she is annoyed with my non commitment, and my creative timing. It has been a lot of work figuring out how to be in touch With my deepest feelings when she is demanding realness.

[@terriwerning3477]

This is such good insight! Very helpful. I’m an eight and I could relate to everything you said! I appreciate directness and do not like being flattered or manipulated.

[@Texaslife98]

I’m the exact same way! I don’t like rushed compliments.. I feel that it’s so disingenuous.

[@HairGlitter]

I'm a 5 with a healthy 8.. I'd say our relationship is very complimentary. I am a better person because I have learned how to be more direct and to apply the knowledge that I collect in my head, to be lived out because i was challenged by an 8 to do so...

[@lesliehershberger983]

HairGlitter hairglitter I did a typing interview recently with a 5 who’d been in the Navy and was very connected to this 8 part of himself. 5s can also be generous and sensitive as they don’t feel as if they will be overtaken by others. I made a new 5 video to include my growing awareness of how sensitive the physical system of 5s are. 8s can have a way of making their partner “show up” more.

[@user-et1kf7dr8i]

I love this! Same!

[@Adriana.Gabriela]

Not even a minute in, and I already feel called out hahahah

[@mandyinseattle]

Very interesting. When I sense something off about someone or they're not being as direct as I think they should be, i've been known to stir the sh** haha I see it as calling them on their BS because i think they're being unreasonable but coy about it. You're good ! Im very glad you said pause and practice empathy because I think meditating for 5-6 years now has helped me tremendously and it sounds like, as 8s, we really need it. 5-10 mins most day really does work :)

[@LampWaters]

How with a teenager?

[@florencew66]

I’m an 8, and I thank you for this information. Good job-very calming :)

[@jerriharvey4641]

I am a 90yr old 8 and am impressed with your accuracy in your understanding of the type 8 🤗👍😘

[@AlanaL3]

You don’t talk much about a healthy eight. I’m healthy eight. The first time I read two type I thought it was at two, but then I read the 8 type, and there was no question about it!! Lol I guess that means I’ve grown a lot towards the good two traits? And, I am not someone who withdraws myself or hides my emotions. I’m very vulnerable and I am sure that is because I feel safe with the people in my life. But I am totally a protector, challenger, leader, and will not allow anyone to manipulate me! :-) dont know about all that power stuff either...maybe being a wife has helped with that...i joyfully allow my hubby to lead and follow willingly and happily. I’m aware it would be misery to live with a control freak so I don’t allow myself to be...Thanks for this video. Insightful.

[@HairGlitter]

I believe that when you are a healthy 8 you can migrate to a 2.. I am a 5 and when I doing good I can migrate to a healthy 8.

[@lesliehershberger983]

Alana L you may want to check out the 3 subtypes (also called the instincts): there are self preservation 8s, one to one/sexual 8s and social 8s. A social is often confused with 2s. They look different from the other 8s and tend to be more nurturing and mellow than the other two subtypes.

[@jessicathoennes549]

I totally relate to this. I’m an 8 who displays more healthy behavior than destructive most of the time. When I’m good I am super open and vulnerable, almost to a fault. When I’m not good I fight super hard for that control, and making sure that I’m the only one I need to depend on. For me it is still a process. I fight with that need to hold on to things and lash out. Currently working through the all or nothing bit. I’m getting better though!

[@mykasnyder4005]

i’m a healthy 8 too! i am also very vulnerable and as i pour out my heart and all my feelings to the people i’m close to, i expect them to do the same in return! I deeply care about those I'm close to and when they give and match my force, we have a very great relationship!

[@cmsamyan]

Wow...you hit the nail on the head! Thank you!

[@laceysoto1046]

I wish you would post more on 8s and relationships.

[@henriquegoulartmaggi1950]

One thing for sure! For us there is never enough

[@mettehviedlauesen4822]

Great video, Leslie - quick comment: I'm wondering if people have any idea how much energy it takes to actually tone down your energy when you're an 8. Well - now you know :-)

[@WendyKeller]

Exactly!

[@mariadiakaki4401]

Wow that's soo true!

[@JuliaJayATOP]

Thank you for reminding us that these are real human beings that helps the

[@asalane20]

What about abusive, hypersexual 8s? How do you work with that?

[@EmyN]

Amazing video! So insightful

[@kathleenmartin8334]

I do not think Enneagram 8’s realize how strong they appear to others. I’m an Enneagram 8 and I have no idea when I appear too strong or too demanding of others. I do know when I want something to happen my way or when I want people to do things my way. But in emergency situations, Enneagram 8’s are the only people who will take charge, manage the crisis and save lives.

[@yogabeeutiful]

I'm Ina new round of decoding my fixation and o notice when someone describes a negative trait in 8s that I think I disagree with there's a volcanic inner "nah, you git it wrong, that's a misunderstanding about 8s" it's like a protest push back. That happened here but I'm catching it faster. It might just be a word like one teacher said "sadistic" and I protested. So in the new learning I'm finding superiority and the I actually know more that so and so. I've also gotten the movement through 2 to 4 to 1 to 7 which is a relief, to move out of fixation. I think being in 8 has an element of exhaustion to it. A burn out. Anyway thanks! I'll keep watching.

[@caitlinharper1633]

My boyfriend is an 8 and he tells me that he has no fears. Also, when I ask him about whether he sins, he always says he can't think of anything. I understand now... aha!

[@gilmardesouzafilho6009]

Great content, thx! Cheers from a 8 type

[@nicholetamburstuen3615]

this was very good thank you

[@DeepSketch]

Interesting stuff! Im a male 4, wife is 8. The only thing not dead, spot on is she's more of a simmering anger. Definitely enjoys control and has high standards.

[@SabeloNada00]

Based on your description I easily see myself as an 8. My behaviour for the past years has been 5´ish, but if I had a penny for everytime someone calls me intimidating I would be rich- Btw, among other reasons, the withdrawing has also been an unconcious attempt to fix the intimidating part, it has never worked.. if anything that has made me appear more snobbish.

[@leslealinebarger6628]

Great short description of type 8, thank you Leslie. I am a 9, married to an 8, as I recently learned. Trying to learn better ways of relating to a challenger when my main driver is peace. This was helpful.

[@vickicollier3214]

My son’s Type 8 wife has decided to leave him. Help us understand.

[@beccaham]

Do you have any suggestion for what type makes a good partner for a female 8?

[@annaf9821]

I am an 8 and agree on every point 😊

[@THEENTREPRENEURSJOURNEY]

MAN, you have the best enneagram vids on KZbin honestly! Do you provide 101 online sessions? If so I’d love to learn more and set something up! Let me know :)

[@lesliehershberger983]

Thank you! I do one to one sessions...reach out to [e-mail] and she will send you info.

[@erynmcentee7993]

THE ENTREPRENEURS JOURNEY completely agree!! So informative.

[@hkdwee4200]

I’m an 8 thank u and it’s all true

[@joshprice32000]

As an 8w7 I feel this soooooo deeply

[@DalainaLovesToRide]

I'm an 8 and I hate when others use ambiguous language or validate themselves using reasons that aren't grounded in reality. I understand that life is nuanced but nothing bothers me more than someone describes something so loosely like they don't really care to form a strong, knowledgeable opinion about something. I prefer to surround myself with people who are honest about their flaws and are very opinionated.

[@sydneywalker35]

So I know I’m not the girl in the corkscrew story but coming from a fellow 8w7 I have definitely shoved a corkscrew through a twist top. 😂

[@evbemma33]

What 8s think about 9s?

[@LampWaters]

Yep protect but everyone thinks I'm unloving and I'm the one who goes to charge who calls out the wrongs and filled with nothing but love and devotion. Yet ppl treat me like I'm wrong or awful. They say love me love me and yet don't want me as I am. I love them but they don't see it but deny me because they don't see it. Lonely

[@elviraantonucci5794]

I'm a 4 who's in love with a type 8. The relationship is really difficult but we love each other so deeply, I hope it will last. Suggestions? great video btw :)

[@MoniqueStroud]

Elvira Antonucci I’m a 4 married to an 8. 10 years now. Overtime our understanding has grown for one another. He appreciates my honest feelings and perspectives and encourages them in a way that others don’t seem to. He definitely picks up on manipulation- though I didn’t know that’s what I was doing lol. But bc 4’s seek to be authentic, it works out well for us. He can be direct and challenging which can be off putting at times, but it’s not his intention to be hurtful. He’s so sweet though people don’t always see him that way. It’s beautiful to be able to know how kind he really is because I know him intimately. So much more to unpack. I would say seek to learn and understand your partner. Continue to be your authentic self and encourage him to be vulnerable and explore his feelings. Support him and let him know you are for him and on his team even when you guys don’t agree or are having difficult times.

[@ClearSummerSkies]

@@MoniqueStroud It's encouraging to know a type 4 and 8 can make it. I'm a 4 who would love to be in love with a type 8. They're such strong, amazing people when healthy! I have "big energy" as a 4 and pretty much everyone I know intimately has been overwhelmed by it. I'm super passionate, so I tend to yell a lot when I'm happy or discussing something I feel strongly about. I made friends with an 8 female and she's loads of fun, she never backs down from my energy (although, interestingly enough, she tempers me significantly). How does your type 8 husband handle your type 4 emotions?

[@lourdesestrada882]

Do you have a video on 3,4 & 7?

[@laurasilguero954]

Im in a relationship with an 8- I’m a 2- he took on a work project overseas over 6 months ago and it’s been so tough. Of course he works long shifts... and his mom was diagnosed with cancer right before he left... He wants us to get married when he gets back at the end of summer and I’m thrilled! Some days though, I find it emotionally difficult to not hear from him. He’s so focused on his job out there that he doesn’t talk to anyone much, just his mom. He doesn’t seem to understand the lack of communication we have. Maybe he doesn’t need it as much as i do? I need some advice please. I don’t want to smother him with daily messages if he’s overwhelmed with the situation.

[@ShadaeBalancesKnightAstro]

Not sure if you got married or not, but I highly suggest you consider that if you marry, the relationship dynamic will remain the same or even become more distant. In my experience type 8’s are incapable of connecting emotionally. They align mainly through action, so going out and paying for the dates for example or repairing the toilet. Be prepared to not receive emotional warmth especially through tough times. In marriage we experience all spectrums of life and there are tough seasons. Be honest about your needs and don’t sell yourself short. I’m a 9 and I’ve been married to an 8 for over a decade. I’m telling you what I wish I had been aware of. Desire is important in a marriage and being aware of the differences between our wants, needs and desires should be understood before getting married. Wish you the best 🥰

[@juancarloszepeda8657]

Thank you for your videos. Does some of these features apply to a healthy 5 operating as an 8?

[@lesliehershberger983]

Juan Carlos Zepeda, sorry for the delayed response. Can you be more specific? That will help my response.

[@CheyannBrass-w2c]

I am a 8 born in November

[@karaharrington5174]

I’m a 9 in relationship with an 8 (yikes!). How would you recommend navigating the relationship when the 8 is stressed and pushing since as a 9 I just want to melt away?

[@marnaecoleman257]

It is HARD! But I treasure my relationships with eights, because I had to learn to stand up for myself and dig deep and be able to get in touch with my real feelings, and be more direct and authentic. It’s scary at first but it really feels good to be authentic!!

[@WendyKeller]

@Kara Harrington, we tend do to best when we focus our prodigious energy on something other than other humans. Maybe help your 8 take up a sport or a hobby and then be cool with it if he/she does it after work sometimes. It won't be a reflection on their love for you, rather a lightening rod.

[@anacardona9572]

I am so confused! I am an 8 with an almost even level 2. Anyone else?

[@billgreen7519]

My results are very often 3 and 8 sharing 50% each and then comes 2. What does this mean? 3 and 8 are rather different types, anger vs shame driven types. Thank you! 🙏

[@julianguevara55]

Why focus on your vulnerability, when you can focus on your strength? Life is what you make it, after all.

[@lesliehershberger983]

Julian Guevara, that makes the assumption that being vulnerable isn’t strong. In my experience of working on myself and in working with people, people who are able to allow their vulnerability ARE strong and also more connected to themselves and others. So I wasn’t surprised when I first watched this TED Talk by Brene Brown who did research on your question. Here’s the link: kzbin.info/www/bejne/n3TZnqaDr9F5bdE.

[@stephaniewilliams4955]

In my experience vulnerability is a regressive word, a child is vulnerable to the adults around them. I believe the correct term is "open hearted" living from a place of open heartedness. Tell all the therapist and Brene Brown😘💗

[@julianguevara55]

In the end, words are just words. In my experience, 'vulnerability' is simply the inability to accept what is, primarily about yourself. If you're suppressing emotions then you're allowing to have external events (beliefs around external events) have power over you. I believe we all have the power to be our true authentic selves and free ourselves of fear, giving us all the power we'll ever need. I am an 8, without a doubt, and I know for a fact that my strength lies in overcoming my 'vulnerability', which is simply the last step before becoming my true self, but that step only exists if you allow it to (if you suppress your emotions). The trick is distinguishing between love and the ego, selfish desire, but experience tells all. Like I said, it's just words, words and interpretations. We're all susceptible to different forms of communication, just wanted to make my case clear.

[@LampWaters]

I don't know how. I pray and I try and I pray and try some more. I don't want to hide and go back to my hole where I digest more analytics and information it does me no good does my relationship no good. If I'm told ur not comforting or it's not good enough yeah I walk away I just poured my heart out and I'm told they don't want it or it's not loving. My response is I have nothing to give u if u dont want me as me with what I have. It's pure rejection to be told ur unkind when you just armoured urself to fight for love. I fight or I don't fight theres not much in between and fighting isn't angry at all its love its warrior and champion and vigilance and a cry from the depths of me for truth and love and justice.

[@eminemstrash2021]

I'm a social 8: powerful but friendly, the best of both worlds

[@LampWaters]

My daughter hates me, I'm not perfect but I'm not wrong. I can't soothe someone who lies or manipulates me. I love her so I try and I don't let her hide away. She says u don't notice me, but I do I just call out all the things shes not saying bit acting out. But I'm unloving, angry they say but I'm not angry at all not even a little bit. Ppl treat me like I'm cold yet it's not who I am at all or how I feel. Friends and family thinning out and these days I really don't care anymore, I fight for those I love but I'm done for those who can't even take 1 step for our relationships. Cant call me a bitch for talking when I'm the only 1 who shows up. If I didnt show up talking no one wud be here there for no relationship, so I guess I have no relationship with those who can't show up. If my words or me r too much oh well. I compromise and find my gentleness for those seeking my relationship but if u dont care to seek me as I seek u then we r done.

[@ahmedbenidir7098]

I wish my 9 can hear this.

[@1969ilovebritain]

Thank you for this video. It was very relatable as I am a type 8 w 7 capricorn ENFJ. Might have to send a link to this video to help people understand how I am trying to improve myself.

[@ianeLi07]

Accurate.

[@Rebelblink]

I’m an eight, but with a wing four and I honestly am getting a bit upset because it’s hard to understand what your saying. Because you seem like your saying so much negativity. Which quite honestly at my core is NOT who I am. I do most things out of love and empathy I have huge empathy for all people and your saying that we don’t have any which couldn’t be even further from the truth 8 are natural leaders for a reason

[@MajorieRoyal]

Very good. I’m a woman so it has been had to recognize my 8ness but I enjoy you included that 8 will go too hard at things and not recognized there limits. I almost died from it .. I don’t know I actually accept physical limits Testing relationship... are you going to show up .. so much. People have been deceiving to me often

[@rubyferrante101]

I found out I’m an 8

[@aliciaseptember]

I'm an 8w7 dating an 8w7. We are intense.. hahahhaha :P

[@austindelp8374]

this is embarrassing, i’m an 8 scorpio🥴

[@lesliehershberger983]

Austin Delp Oh yes, I understand the embarrassment. That look of recognition when you hear about you type the first time. (If you’re reading about your type and you love what you’re reading, you’re not reading about your type. 😳)

[@mserth22]

Tear

[@gamleskalle1]

Unhealthy 8 the worst type. Like healthy 8s. 9with 8wing here myself.

[@themoonbleu627]

Why are you whispering ?

[@lesliehershberger983]

bleu Hea didn’t know what meant at first and then heard my voice drop. I sometimes drop my voice when I go on reflection mode. Thanks for the heads up

[@brezich]

Comment #98

[@juneryvoice]

Mm..