Ep. 242 | Toxic People (with Jamie Kilstein)

Joshua and Ryan talk about dealing with toxic people, as well as defining, reassessing, repairing, and letting go of toxic relationships with podcaster and comedian Jamie Kilstein. Watch “Maximal” episodes of The Minimalists Private Podcast exclusively at / theminimalists
Questions answered in this episode:
What’s your definition of a ‘toxic person’? (06:02)
What’s your definition of ‘relationship’? (07:35)
Is it possible to be toxic to some people but not toxic to others? (13:05)
Can jealousy be helpful? (16:27)
Is there a difference between empathy and compassion? (17:13)
Is it realistic to expect to find a partner that’s on my own frequency? (20:04)
What is the ‘us box’ in relationships? (25:11)
Do my partner and I have to hold the same beliefs to be compatible? (27:57)
Is compromise a necessary component of a productive relationship? (29:13)
How do I deal with toxic people in the workplace? (38:35)
What are the essentials of meaningful work? (42:45)
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#TheMinimalists

[@carab7783]

I had a spouse tell me, “This little job thing of yours is becoming a problem.” 😳 needless to say, was not the spouse much longer!🎉👌 xoxo C

[@txspacemom765]

Worked in a toxic environment for 20 years, in healthcare. I realized that while I like people, I don't like working around them. I have adjusted my job search to meet my needs- less interaction with people, more self, project driven work, and smile and wave! And keep moving! I am about 75% working alone vs. 25% people interaction at my current job and it has helped tremendously.

[@joymae]

*this episode of the minimalists is brought by no one...because ads suck* hahah I love you guys

[@ArleneAdkinsZell]

Thank you for yet another great talk, listening to this one helped me realize what I already suspected about my best friend. I know she can be a truly caring person, but her dependency, jealousy and constant crisis is toxic to me, I feel dread when her name pops up on my phone or in my email.

[@cindiirwin8853]

So glad you brought up this subject! Probably my favorite podcast so far. I have a relationship with my aunt that I have determined to be toxic. We were extremely close when I was younger. Now that I have grown children we don’t even communicate. She has decided to play favorites with my children and only has a relationship with my oldest. Makes me very sad. 🙁

[@Maat11Udyat]

I love when you bring comedians! It's everyone talking truth but being funny, as you said in the beginning See you on Maximal episode! Looking forward Edited after I passed Jamie's work advice @ min 39:00 Great advice!! I definitely did start to wake up earlier for a morning routine but with that different context I'm definitely putting more effort into it

[@mariasteward9232]

I recently met some family on ancestry and they proved to be very toxic people so they didn’t stick. I only want positivity and authenticity in people.

[@Jacy28]

Thank you guys for a great podcast. I agree, it's the behaviors we need to challenge, learn from, change if toxic. Life is good. We can always grow, we can always learn. Peace, Health, Happiness and Harmony to you.

[@gamayngtawu]

I always enjoy listening to Josh talking incessantly for about two minutes then slows down, drags the last 5 words at the end. Hehehe.

[@virgi8691]

Thank you, it was a very good one. I always enjoy the quality of your podcasts 😊 Congrats to all your team

[@TheMinimalists]

Glad you enjoyed it!

[@izumiii1]

This is so good podcast! Thank you!

[@TheMinimalists]

Thanks for listening!

[@patriciawallace14]

❤️ your podcasts.

[@jaredsimon4215]

Regarding voicemail suggestion unroll.me; please take a sec to search it up and advise your listeners to do the same. Thanks. Loved the show!

[@myrtlebeachsara]

Nice video, I will say asking your wife if she still wants to be with you is a harsh choice of words, bit I like the check in and making sure she's happy.

[@KKKKAAAARRRRYYYYNN]

Hey Ryan, I always like seeing your joyful smile.

[@KJ1611]

My favorite bjj comedian...

[@hjshealy]

Ilzan, I'm in the same place.

[@owenp]

I came her for two things: to see Josh's facial hair and what was on the table. Was disappointed for both things! 😂

[@BryanPandu]

Nice

[@feathersky860]

💙 YOU BOTH your .... Simpleton

[@leahflower9924]

You better be living in a yurt or a van or change your name lol

[@lorraineturton4485]

Really intelligent and good stuff here. I say this "go where you are celebrated, not just tolerated". I take that for my base line in all my relationships. If I am not accepted and loved for who I genuinely am as a human being, then I do not involve myself with that persons life in a meaningful way. Toxic emotional vampires are in our world, but we do not have to associate with them. We can be kind to them but recognize that kindness will never be reciprocated back. Love yourself enough to know how valuable and precious you are. Look for genuine people with true and worthy motives, who you can truly call a friend.

[@taniadennis9344]

I find that no matter where I have worked there are always toxic people. If you love the work, but not all the people, then learn how to not "bite the hook" or minimally involve yourself with the toxic people. Toxic bosses are another issue. If they are sticking around, then maybe consider other work environments.

[@iristhehooman]

I feel instagram is more toxic than facebook. Hahahaha but I love the surprise of saying that it's the birthplace of toxicity!

[@sparklemakeupok]

Why KZbin isn’t recommending this kind of content more 🙃🙏

[@robertwilliam2618]

Great vid. I .like when you say, that if you are wondering if you are in a toxic relationship, you already know. Been there, done that.

[@Larindarr]

men always setting their standards on what fits THEM. and not finding middle ground. Women do this also but it is statistically more common in men. And that middle ground is found with time. Guys have the angry therapist on your show you won't regret it.

[@j40389]

You are right, this is going to be a very good topic. Doesn't hurt that your guest is adorably funny, either. I enjoyed hearing his comedic take throughout the conversation. Also digging the beard!

[@frogskocinq]

"Your baseline should not be dread." Totally recommend The Motion of the Body Through Space. It is a very hard book to read because the main character is toxic.

[@KevinTMartin]

Jamie is soooo good with you guys. I love the chemistry you three have

[@turquoisewitch.wild-owl]

I'm a nurse who's loved a lot of parts of my various jobs as a nurse. Unfortunately, the majority of the medical field is filled with toxic work places. It makes me no longer want to be a nurse! I loved this episode. Thanks.

[@kelt8123]

I know how you feel, nursing is really toxic, been practicing for almost 30years. I stuck it out as it payed the bills & allowed me to travel a bit . Love the patients and the skills but there is a toxic amount of bullying from all directions. I found it worse in North America, (US & canada), but less toxic experience in the UK. Was hoping as new grads entered this field that the work environment would change. It has not. I just think about my own work ethics. Did I do what "I" could for the patients. Did I make those calls and keep my own values and ethics at my own high standards of care. (not always easy,). Thats the thinking that gets me through the day. Some hospitals are more toxic than others. I worked at one hospital that was terrible, I was miserable, then I took a job at another hospital only 10 minute drive down the road and I loved it. Stayed for 10 years. Good luck Wild Owl. Do you what you think is best FOR YOU.

[@kimfraser-rybinski9554]

Wild Owl Metaphysical Svs my daughter experiences the same thing in her wok place, but she only started a couple of years ago,doesn’t feel she can give up.

[@DaSoloLobo]

I married a toxic person. I’m still working on extrication.

[@Interjrux]

Now this is an interesting topic 🥰

[@morganrowe]

The exact subject I was interested in. 🙌 How do we get access to the maximalist version? Thanks for the episode guys ✌️

[@TheMinimalists]

Gain access at Patreon.com/theminimalists.

[@MJ-nk9nw]

The beard looks fantastic!

[@racheldeclutteryourlife]

It's taken me so long but getting rid of toxic people from my life has been so freeing. I have learnt so much more about who I am that I wouldn't compromise on myself in a relationship if i were to have one in the future. I know what is important and what does need to be aligned in a relationship and if they don't fit then its not right for me.

[@Noname77331]

Good stuff!!

[@joytotheworld6804]

Empathy is more about understanding peoples pain, not actually feeling the actual pain you are experiencing. All any healthy relationship needs is someone to understand you are having troubles or pain or happiness or joy about a good thing happening in your life, it's not just about pain. Not sure where the dentist idea came from for you, but am pretty sure dentists know that extractions hurt without actually having one. Very toxic people are totally unable to be bothered or think it's important to understand anothers situation.

[@roberts3571]

What happens when kids come toxic/abusive? I feel conflicted as I really admire your philosophy

[@hcplsmf]

This podcast episode is amazing. Over the past few years you guys have been such a voice of comfort for me. I’m so grateful for you guy’s work.

[@okuuyan4613]

Teşekkürler💚

[@RebeccaAnnSinkula]

You guys are so awesome. I am glad I found your channel! Thanks. :)

[@des1458]

Iv'e just came across your Podcast. your opinion on toxic people is really an eye opener I definately know alot of those people. I hope im not one of them 😂👍

[@organizstylist7732]

I saw you guys on KZbin a while back, but didn’t subscribe. I am undergoing the “process” (and it is a process) of getting rid of the things I do not need and living with just what I need or what I anticipate needing to live comfortably. I bought a tiny house and completed the interior myself. It has more storage than my NYC apt, although about half the size. But, I still have stuff from my business in storage and it’s going to take some time to sell off everything. I’ll get there soon enough! No matter what I have eliminated the toxic people (mainly my older sister) from my day to day life, only dealing with them when necessary and I don’t allow myself to be baited.

[@lindamaichou]

I needed this so much. Thanks guys! I cant wait to hear the max version on patreon! #simpletonsforlife

[@p4ulooping]

What about Philippines tour? hope to see guys here

[@laurenburton1128]

Been meaning to pick up your books for years! Love you guys! I love all the information you put out there! Thank you for all you do!

[@Chaoticallynikki]

I love you three together. It always makes for a great podcast 👏🏼

[@bmayer00]

Be careful not to "spiritually bypass" people just because you can't handle resolving conflict with people you don't agree with 100%. We have a perfectionist driven society and we throw people out who we may just don't have deeper understanding with. Respect is earned you have to do the work. And people aren't things, they are lifelong learners who will only learn from being corrected if there is a disconnect at some points. Many people are just rude and not aware of how they impact others because we live in such a self focused society-what is a value to one person may not matter to someone else. It's like understanding someone else's Love Language and treating them the way they wish to be treated. If communication would create better understandings with others then we need to practice active listening too, in which case it doesn't seem that many do that and that leads to the downfall of relationships, our society would be much more compassion if they were more willing to hear others. It would seem that TRUE toxicity is caused by people who are narcissist's who don't value you, but there are plenty who are in a grey zone, they aren't Donald Trump level narcissist, but they create drama either by being selfish and withholding or controlling or by actively intentionally pushing your buttons-in which case many can be redeemed. But redeeming doesn't mean becoming codependent either. We really need to approach relationships with more granularity rather than just chucking people out with our unused objects.

[@sandywilson6432]

I wish I could thumbs up, both of them, 500 times! !😎 I appreciate the truth you guys bring to the table.🤗 Universal on so many levels 🙂

[@anmolmathur4166]

I love that he references philosopher Alain de Botton! The KZbin channel @The School of Life has excellent videos on the subject of toxic relationships

[@sarahlockridge7879]

A good book for those who struggle with codependency; "codependent no more"

[@jennifersausal4092]

This episode is amazing! Jotted down some really good notes :)

[@lee14876]

Two sickies don't make a Welly.

[@kate60]

Thank you. Well done, Sirs.

[@notsewmuch7490]

Lol the evil twin look definitely.

[@sophiapetrillo3008]

27:00 ---> 🙌🏻 Love this guy.

[@andshesmiles6272]

We need a full on bearded JFM!

[@robbinbisconer9723]

🧔 😍😉😆🖤🖤❤️❤️

[@fatedrivesyou7471]

Ms. Shriver! ❤