Ep 34 - "Delete Your Dating APPs", with Shani Silver

In this episode, Raquel and Jennifer are joined by Shani Silver - the author of A Single Revolution: Don't look for a match. Light one., and the host of A Single Serving Podcast. Her podcast launched in April 2019 in the hopes of giving single women content that - for once - didn’t revolve around dating, and to support women all over the world in reframing the way they see and experience singlehood. Following ten years of fruitless use, Shani permanently deleted her dating apps in January 2019. She has loved her life ever since.
“I’m trying to help singles view singlehood as something other than a problem to fix at any cost.”
You can buy Shani's book here.
You can find Shani on IG here.
A Single Serving Podcast publishes every Monday morning on Patreon, and can be accessed by becoming a Patreon Patron here at the $5 per month tier.
Let Raquel and Jennifer know what you think about this and other episodes. They can be reached on IG @madnesscafepodcast or via email at [e-mail].
And don't forget to rate and review the show wherever you listen!
Thanks for listening and responding!

[@truthteller816]

“Stop treating every man that’s in front of you like they are the last one that’s coming along because they’re not!”

[@candygirl1990]

Just discovered this amazing and trailblazing woman. I have just deleted all dating apps off my phone and never felt better. I am single and have been for a year now, and I prefer it than the freaks and weirdos that were texting me on dating apps. Single is way better than swiping all day, and I feel calmer and just me again. Modern dating sucks and in the words from the film clueless "as if" love you shani.

[@madnesscafepodcast]

Shani is our guru for all things self love. We can be single and enjoy our lives. Thank you for listening.

[@N3VLYNNN]

This is a really useful discussion. One thing I want to comment on is Shani's ideas about weddings being a sort of wasteful celebration. I get that weddings are over-inflated and should be kept in perspective. But it doesn't mean they don't deserve celebration. For some couples, marriage can be a huge milestone. It doesn't mean it's that way for everyone or that every marriage deserves celebration-many certainly don't...But going to a 10-year anniversary doesn't necessarily mean anything more meaningful than the beginning of a marriage. Some people stay together for life and rot within their marriage, while others flourish. Both the beginning and 10 years in are a continuation of a couple's indefinite journey together. A Wedding is not necessarily just continuing to shack up with the same person-it's a symbolic celebration that is defined by the couple involved and how they have cultivated their union. As long as they are in a healthy relationship and are still deeply aligned and choosing each other consciously, that is extremely rare and I think that is worthy of celebration. I would even find a small yet beautiful way to celebrate the beginning of an established romantic relationship with someone I have gotten to know and can see myself marrying in the future. Small things are worthy of celebration, too.

[@Vr4z1el]

It really bugs me about the women who say "well I met my SO on a Dating App and we are going to get married in June" or " we are expecting our first child". For one thing, we dont even know what kind of guy this person is and if this woman just settled. When I was doing OLD, I had plenty of opportunities to just settle. But I knew I would have been miserable with that person. There were plenty of men who were perfectly fine using me for my career while they had no career of their own. There were plenty of narcs who were fine having power over me. There were plenty of men who wanted me but they were emotionally and mentally abusive. Lots of misogynists who wanted all the control and didnt "allow" me to be my own free thinking woman and didnt value me as an individual. Or the guys who just wanted a bang maid. So yeah, you women who met your SO, I would be willing to bet you settled and are going to live a life misery just because you refuse to be single.

[@madnesscafepodcast]

Wow. Powerful. Real. There is a lot of that out there for sure!

[@candygirl1990]

I so agree with you. When I hear stories of women who have met the man of their dreams on a dating site, it's a lie. Simply because most men are married or want a hook up, so it's one in a trillion that anyone married someone this way nowadays. Seriously fiction can be fun for some people. But us single girls are the smart ones, because we know what we want and don't chase men. I used to, but not anymore, mainly thanks to shani silver and her amazing book. Loved your comments.

[@thehapagirl92]

I agree that women settle. The reason so many people married young for centuries is because they settled and were forced to marry. In the 20’s-60’s when women were still marrying young but when they were allowed to choose their own partners they still chose to settle

[@Arian-vf6jo]

Great podcast. Feeling much more positive about my singlehood.

[@madnesscafepodcast]

So glad because we are too. It isn't always easy, but it's easier knowing we are not alone in our feelings.

[@janetvansky3621]

Shani: I think your book should be titled: FEMINISM - THE NEW TESTAMENT. I am a 76 y.o. woman, became a feminist during the reign of Gloria and her crew and seem to get more radical every year. For awhile I practiced as a psychic and decided to give it up when my clients (98% women) would come to me with basically one question (guess what that was ....) and would lose interest in the reading unless it was focused on romance. If I suggested, however gently, that perhaps there was something more exciting than that ahead, they would literally melt down (a la Charlotte in the episode from Sex And The City when the reader told her she didn't see marriage in her future). It was exhausting and disheartening. For DECADES I've been waiting for someone like you to come along and bring women to their senses. I hereby nominate you for the Pulitzer, Nobel, PEN, Booker and any other prize given to those who provide ENLIGHTENMENT to humanity.

[@runawayshay6409]

I came to despise SATC because it modeled to women my age to talk ENDLESSLY about the trash fire way men would treat us. I was chasing my career, getting my money right, traveling alone, being genuinely happy for my friends getting married- and I was the weirdo.

[@kismet256]

great podcast. Shani Silver is a trialblazer...

[@madnesscafepodcast]

Thank you for watching. She is a trailblazer. We loved learning form her.

[@jessicaholting2362]

By the way there are some people who remain single in spite of wanting a partner. I think the older you get the less opportunities for romantic partnerships exist. That doesn’t mean we have to give up. Just be prepared for either possibility…possible future partnership or single for the rest of your life. And enjoy your life regardless of what happens as you can’t see the future in a crystal ball. But I think it’s liberating to know that working hard to find love doesn’t work so by leaving it up to fate we don’t have to worry about it. That’s a huge stress reliever.

[@madnesscafepodcast]

We agree 100%. Thanks for listening and responding.

[@alexs6250]

When you’re in your 40s you don’t even make friends if you don’t have kids. I want a partner for the same reason I want and love my close friends!

[@madnesscafepodcast]

I think this is very valid.

[@thehapagirl92]

Bad behavior is common for men because women don’t call them out. I do and they don’t talk to me anymore. Too bad for them

[@madnesscafepodcast]

Great work!

[@runawayshay6409]

Most single, straight men today are trash fire. We lost the generational lottery. Would rather be alone forever 😂

[@madnesscafepodcast]

The "good ones" are not on apps. That's for sure. Let us know if you find some.

[@candygirl1990]

Omg. Exactly what I think too. I am off every dating app now, and feel mentally much better for it. I'd rather be alone too forever.

[@thehapagirl92]

35:17 An old coworker of mine told me her friend had a great first date with a guy and then he blocked her as soon as he dropped her home

[@madnesscafepodcast]

Ugh. This stuff is still happening.

[@alexs6250]

Your career goals can also create prologue life

[@madnesscafepodcast]

Almost anything can create a prologue life, if you let it keep you from experiencing today! Thanks for commenting. We love to interact. We also have a really great episode coming up about working with the shadow self. We hope you will join us and let us know what you think.