Ep.56 Matthew Fray: How Good People Mess Up Their Marriages

[@Sweetshaunna]

Matthew Fray does such an amazing job of articulating what's been going on in our relationship and my brain. After NEEDING validation for sooo long from my husband, being validated by a compete stranger(s) I have such a weight lifted off my soul. Thank you thank youuuu

[@MatthewGlenn26196]

This may have saved my marriage. All of this sobbed oddly familiar in my marriage.

[@AndrewGMarshallTherapy]

Happy to hear it, thank you for sharing this.

[@angelakonen5207]

The only issue I have is the comments about abusive relationships. Somehow still the onus depends on women to have self-love and leave but disregards the fact that there are human beings habitually and thoughtlessly behaving in a way that are harming others. That is where the focus should be, on those who are harming. Why can't we say to them, do better? Why can't we teach them, this behavior is harmful?

[@matthewfrayvideos]

Hey Angela. A function of thoughtlessness and carelessness from me. Because you're 100% right of course (not that you need my agreement to know you're right). Anything that dances with abuse must never be made to seem as if the victim is responsible for either the abuse or escaping it. There's a lot of nuance in this conversation. People experience harm by actions from people who have no idea that what they're doing is literally felt by someone else as harmful. It's a really complicated thing to navigate. I promise I'm trying the best I know how to help people learn how to see that dynamic in their relationships, and change for the better.

[@angelakonen5207]

@@matthewfrayvideos I don't need you to agree, I just need you to understand. It sounds like you are getting there. Your work is with typical, relatively healthy relationships. So that is what you speak to. I somewhat agree with your perspective because enabling an abuser is part of the problem and leaving is a solution. However, sometimes it is not so simple. Especially when there are children, financial, or other factors. Actually the most dangerous time is when someone leaves. We have to trust/assume that person is doing the best thing they can for their life with the knowledge they have at the time. We need more male allies on this topic. There is a ton of misinformation out there too. I have the book Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft to be super helpful and has shifted my perspective on this topic in particular. Thanks for being open and responding.

[@matthewfrayvideos]

@@angelakonen5207 I’ll order that book right now. I promise I want only to be an ally, but admit I have a lot of growing and learning to do in order to be a good one. Thank you for caring. ♥️

[@starlingswallow]

We can, but a lot of them aren't listening, don't care or both 😢

[@-aussie-]

Let's not get too carried away with this feelings thing