Estrangement from family: What, why and how to reconcile. 🙍😟😌

[@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF]

If you are experiencing any kind of family estrangement at the moment - can you tell us briefly about it in the comments? Your story may help someone else realize that they are not alone with this issue.

[@lynnschaeferle-zh4go]

The estrangement I am experiencing is more accurately alienation. My ex used to hand out the paychecks at work. When he came home he would be treated like a king because he was seldom there. After the kids grew up then he would call them in secret to complain about how awful I was. After my bipolar disorder was diagnosed after 40 years of marriage. It was game over. I was officially crazy. The funny thing is he is an alcoholic psychopath and I never had a bipolar issue until. I was deserted 2600 miles from home to teach me a lesson. This happened after the kids left home so they just take their dad‘s word for it but I am unreliable and trustworthy and so damaged that my kids treat me like an alien. They are have known me to be nothing, except calm, if cranky. They don’t know that living with a psychopath causes insomnia, which my ex used to his advantage. After four or five days of no sleep caused by his nonsense, I become passive and miserable to the point that by the time I would get to my kids’ homes. But that’s all done now because my ex pushed it too far and with the help of friends and 3 doctors I got rid of him. The cost was my children and grandchildren. When I stood up and took vows I never dreamed that the 25 year old I was marrying was already planning a divorce, no matter how long it took. when the kids left he ramped up the meanness; he was just playing a game to see how much I could take. If he could cause me to be hospitalized he won and could prove I was unstable. Never mind that I have never been violent or aggressive and I now have a diagnosis that can be treated. In this way a alcoholic Machiavellian psychopath has made himself the good parent and I am so crazy I don’t even get a birthday or Christmas Day call, text or email. I don’t exist and the person who raised them turned into an evil monster they couldn’t be bothered to remember. I understand the dynamics of trauma bonding but it disturbs me that I have raised such mean abusive people. The fact that they are grown adults means this is who they are and how I worked to make sure they had empathy is a very personal failure.

[@mareboyd7786]

Thank you for your kind words and relaying your wisdom on this subject it is comforting. My relationship with my daughter has been strained for about 10 years. I had no idea there was a problem until we were talking and she said “ I might as well be dead” because I have no opinion on a topic she wanted me to comment on. I dismissed it as an errant comment. It’s been down hill ever since. Years of no communication and seldom contact with her and her husband and our grandchildren. It’s is devastating and heartbreaking. I’ve recently realized it’s not going to change and I’m trying to find myself and move on. I and my husband have been too counselors, I’ve read books on estrangement and self help and self compassion. He’s read articles about mental health. My current counselor has recommended Ho’ Oponopno and tapping. But the hurt never ends. I will look at the links you have posted and will do the writing exercise and hope it provides some measure of relief. Thank you again for talking about this in such a compassionate way.

[@tinamallin2570]

The grief is endless feels like it’s killing me hurts so much

[@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF]

@tinamallin2570 I am so sorry you are suffering in this way. Apart from suggesting that you watch every video on my channel to help you feel better - I think you might need to talk someone or at least go over to the STAND ALONE website - Charity supporting estranged adults in everyday life www.standalone.org. or check out their facebook. There will be others going through similar to yourself and that could help. My heart is with you and I wish you all the very best.

[@lisag9493]

Your kind words really help Christine, bless you ,, I know I’m not alone with family estrangement,, so much unnecessary sadness,, yes you can live with it, try and move on, focus on a hobby that you enjoy, tell yourself you’re happy ,, but it’s always there,, Best Wishes, Lisa

[@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF]

Hi Lisa - it is a form of grief without doubt. 'Moments of pleasure, small and often are what get you through the day'. It is a time for extreme self care Lisa. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment and best wishes to you x

[@hasegawataizo4069]

I was alienated my entire childhood. At 47, I still feel like a ghost. No contact was a matter of survival for me, not an act of vindictiveness. No child takes the act of no contact as an adult lightly. Very simply put, you don't pet a man-eating tiger.

[@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF]

It hurts me to hear you have suffered in this way - I do hope you have managed to find some peace with your situation and are able to find some joy in your present. Best wishes to you and thank you for your comment

[@barbpace-lamb]

You’re an angel. Ive been grey rocking and egg shelling for over seventy years I’m exhausted

[@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF]

Bless you - and seasons greetings to you.

[@oysterbaypostms]

agree but what is grey rocking???

[@DAAnton]

I'm the parent and I stopped contact with my adult daughter until she could be respectful. It still hurts and I'm hoping that it's temporary.

[@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF]

Hello @DAAnton I am sorry this is happening to you. Of course, I don't know your story but I think, 'Respectful' can be a subjective term - does your daughter understand what you think is disrespectful and does she know you are hurting. We often believe the one's we love 'should know' how we are feeling but we no-one can mind read. Sometimes a full and frank conversation about it can help. Other than that once feelings have calmed I also hope your situation is only temporary. Thank you for your comment and you have my very best wishes.

[@TessaJonker-fj2rn]

How can u reconcile when discipline = abuse. Care = interference. Suggestions, tips, ideas, protection = unsollicited advise. No decent communication possible. Whatever u try. All wrong wrong. The kids are always right…. Blameshifting. They see yet are so blind. The see the splinter but overlook the beam. Which parent can swallow all this bull after doing the best you could. I personally have given up n feel relieved.

[@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF]

Hello Tessa - - Obviously, each situation is different and has special conditions with different personalities involved. At the end of the day you can only do so much and it seems as if you have reached the end of your will. You say you now feel relieved and I can understand that and hope you now find some peace with the situation. Thank you for your comment.

[@DidiLassen]

Yes 😢 it is living hell. I miss the relationship me and my son used to have so much. Not the way he wants to treat me now.. But the relationship we used to have. I miss it so much

[@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF]

Hello @DidiLassen I am so sorry you are going through this. Please have a look at the face book group I mention, it might help to communicate with those dealing with similar. Also watch this video kzbin.info/www/bejne/j6W4pXuljcyfi9E which is about using journaling as a therapeutic tool. Of course, these things do not solve the problem but they might help you to make more sense of the situation and help you to deal with the associated emotions. I wish you all the very best and remember to take extra self care.

[@jmdes8]

Thank you for this video. I am teary as a response, feeling grief at a long-term estrangement from my sibling, my younger sister. I am 5 years older, and we were never very close, but had the normal sibling shared experiences. I write, I call, I suggest family counseling, and she retreats more and more. I accept that I must have hurt her somehow, but I don't know what I did. I am willing to do anything to mend this gap. We have minimal communication at long intervals. I walk on eggshells every time in fear of upsetting her. I am happy to offer a blanket apology, but somehow I know that it won't work, as she has refused counseling. She has spoken of our values not matching up, and of a lack of respect. This was 18 years ago. I am still in the dark and grieving every day. It is devastating. I hang on to a fragile hope that someday we can reconcile, I am happy to apologize and accept any responsibility.

[@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF]

Hi jmdes8 I am so sorry you are experiencing this. It sounds to me as though you have done all you can at this point. You can't take ALL the responsibility here - it takes two. I know you don't want to hear this but I think you should shift your focus to learning to live your life without your sister. If she knows how you feel and you have left the door open for her - you can do no more and if at some point in the future she wants you back in her life, you will be there. Take extra care of yourself x

[@jmdes8]

@@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF I feel comforted by your wise words. I accept the truth of it and will need to keep working on my own mental health around this painful reality. Every day.

[@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF]

@@jmdes8 Have a look at the recent meditation (don't be put off by the term meditation - its just time for yourself) give yourself some space. And then watch the video coming out next about choosing your way of thinking. They might help. I hopes so. Sending best wishes to you.

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

The refusal to discuss it is so hurtful. My mother refuses to talk. She goes straight to silent treatment and stonewalling aand then my dad backs her up reprimanding me for ''hurting mum''. It's like .........There Is One Perspective. And by having another perspective you're automatically hurting them???

[@reginafarias]

You should think of some mental/emotional/personality disease, like syphilis, dementia, Alzheimer, toxoplasmosis, vitamins deficiencies. These all affect the behaviour. I really regret not talking to my mother after she became very aggressive. It was Alzheimer's, her brain was atrophied and hardened.

[@elizabethdashwood7274]

Hi Christine many thanks for your encouragement, care and understanding. It is a relief and gives me hope that this exclusion from my daughter and grandson will not be for ever. I love them so much , the pain is unbearable but I shall do the exercises you suggest and hope and pray one day it will come right, like it did for you.Thank you Christine. Liz.

[@elizabethdashwood7274]

Bless you.

[@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF]

You are very welcome and sincere best wishes to you x

[@legalfictionnaturalfact3969]

if you want it to end, you must do your part: 1) overhaul your character 2) apologize at length and in specific 3) offer ways to make it up to your victim, also in specific get contrite. without this, you will die alone. hard truth is still truth. the ball is in your court, but if you wait too long, the chance may disappear.

[@TessaJonker-fj2rn]

Do not all parents make mistakes? Who is perfect? Why do kids so much need an apology?? Do kids ever apologise for all their heinous behaviour? Oh sure that us acceptable? Tough- you’re a parent, just swallow it. Do kids ever actually feel any graatefulness or respect for all the parents have dine for them? Nope. Fine. Yet for the few mistakes they want apologies….

[@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF]

My goodness Tessa - I agree with that. We all make mistakes and are not perfect. I don't know how old your kids are but speaking personally it was really only when I 'grew up' and had a family of my own that I fully realized gratitude for my mother - sad but true. I am sorry you have had to go through all this but hope you have now found some peace. Again, thank you for sharing with us.

[@jeanetteoneil4562]

You are a beautiful and pleasant person and you are kind and caring. I think that it is because these people are from the narcissist family system. My dad battered my mom. She died when I was 9 months old. A month before she died, my grandmother gave me to her other son, my uncle . I was not able to see my dad and brothers except once a year. I never bonded with those people. I was made a scapegoat codepedent. They were devious and abusive. I was molested and body shamed which caused anorexia. I won a scholarship to college, was first in my class but had a breakdown each of my first summer vacations home. Then I married a man like them. He beat me. I divorced. He estranged my daughter from me at 14 1/2. It's been 19 1/2 years. She chose to be like her dad and is abusive to me. I used to try to get her back. Now I refuse to ever see her again. She is just like these people. I have no hope and want none. I will listen to your videos though for an education. Thank you.

[@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF]

Jeanette, I am so sorry to hear your story. So much has happened to you. These days there is a greater understanding of these kinds of experiences and there are professional people out there who can help you to try to process. You must be your first priority now and seek out those who can help you. Thank you so much for sharing your story - you have my best wishes for a happier and more peaceful future. Thank you for taking the time to comment.

[@janm9610]

I'm so sorry to read your story Jeanette. Life is definitely unfair. Hang in there beautiful survivor ❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

I read that four and a half years is the average length of estrangement so maybe in another year, my mother will be prepared to have the conversation we need to have. She must have figured out by now that stonewalling and silent treatments and gaslighting didn't work (this time). They used to work. So I see why she's confused. But she has no right to be angry. For decades she eroded me to protect her own ego and she has the absolute entitlement that things continue EXACTLY as they were, no change.

[@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF]

Hi Susan - thank you for sharing your situation. I hope that your statistic of four years or there about is accurate - I haven't heard that before. Without conversation there is no resolution for sure. I am sorry you are going through this and hope for a positive outcome at some point. My very best wishes to you.

[@Travellingtherapistcreates]

Thank you so much for this. Your words and your ways are extremely kind. I'm so happy that something made you turn your indicator on in your car that day. I think sometimes we are simply directed to what needs to happen without words or thoughts initially. I do hope this happens for me one day. I'm taking one day at a time in many ways right now. Thank you x

[@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF]

You are very welcome and you are so right. Sometimes to go with your heart and not listen to the negative 'what ifs' in your head is the way to go. Obviously, I do not know your situation but these things are never easy to deal with. As you are Bournemouth Counselling and Hypnotherapy I am guessing you spend your time helping others. Hopefully, your particular situation will be resolved. In the meantime, remember to take extreme care of yourself. Thank you for your lovely comments! I really appreciate it. x

[@Travellingtherapistcreates]

@@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF Thank you so much. Yes I'm a Counsellor and love my work. I know that I'm on this path for a reason but it's so painful. I'm sadly not in contact with my daughter and Grandchildren but time will tell. I'm going to watch some more of your videos soon too . There is alot out there on youtube but as I said before you are very kind and genuine :) Thank you for your reply and take care. I'm looking after myself too thank you xx

[@MDunn-sm6ud]

I’m estranged from my older sister. It is a heart hurt for me EVEN THOUGH I know it is for the best. I’m open to healing…if she becomes able to be honest with herself and me.

[@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF]

Hi and welcome to Happy stuff and fluff. I am so sorry to hear that you are estranged from your sister. Take extreme self care and stay open hearted. I wish you all the very best and thank you for taking the time to comment.

[@jmdes8]

I am estranged from my younger sister. I would do anything to reconcile with her. I don't know what I've done to hurt her, but I am willing to accept responsibility and apologize. Perhaps your older sister feels as I do. Please give her a chance. Talk with her. I would give the world to reconcile with my younger sister. I wish you the best.

[@dessiecoder9446]

Families aren’t like they used to be, they are chosen now.

[@dessiecoder9446]

Bet you’ve had similar issues with your kids.

[@anabellejimenez9197]

I really don't want to reconcilie with my adult children. I usted to come home after spending with them a Birthday, Mother's Day., to cry. They usted to make fun of me and embaresed me in front of my grand children and family in law.

[@ProfessorBorax]

I've told my mum why and she keeps saying she doesn't understand why. I can't keep trying with someone who is so clueless...

[@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF]

Hello @ProfeesorBorax - Obviously, I don't know your circumstances but maybe let it be for a while - watch the latest video about writing it out. Expressive writing will help you to feel better about the situation and may also give you some light bulb moments about how to maybe take a different approach? You have my best wishes.

[@kayereese1809]

I thought I had a close relationship with my daughter and now it has fallen apart. I was never given the reason for the fallout but I have a few ideas as to what went wrong. Willing to do the work and admit my part in this. Thank you for your beautiful video.

[@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF]

Bless you @kayereese1809 'Fall outs' happen all the time. Your attitude gives me the confidence that you will still have a close relationship with your daughter. You have my very best wishes and thank you so much for taking the time to comment X

[@BeachBums-s7l]

My daughter is estranged from her brother and it is really hard for my family during the holidays.

[@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF]

Hi and welcome! I am so sorry to hear this - the holidays can be such a difficult time. Obviously, I don't know your situation but trust me there are other people struggling with the exact same problem. Please consider going over to the Stand alone facebook group or visit their website www.standalone.org. It could help. I hope it does. You have my very best wishes

[@debshirley6904]

❤ Thank You

[@tmking7483]

Awesome that your mom could cry

[@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF]

Yes I have never looked at it that way. Maybe the shock of seeing me caused an 'unchecked' release of emotion. Had she know I was coming she may have responded very differently. You have given me something to think about. Thank you for your comment

[@RoseSeaman-l9e]

since February 2023 my daughter 40 chose to not have a relationship with me her mother. Unknowingly she punished me for 23 years for reasons I was not aware of . I suffered in silence all those years refusing to let her know how she was making me feel. For reasons I thought made our relationship difficult was anything further from the truth. My health has been greatly been affected by all the emotional and physical trauma I have suffered most of my life. Since February 2023 I have been watching bloggers on estrangement that has been an awakening for me. What has me still feeling broken is the fact my granddaughter has since become estranged too. She has refused to answer text, phone calls or call me. She is in 7th grade. How or what to do reguarding my granddaughter breaks my heart. My expectations is my downfall and the sadness has me consumed .

[@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF]

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. Not hearing from your daughter and also your grand daughter has to be very painful. Keep doing what you are doing if you feel it is right for you. At some point, you might feel that the continued no response is too hard to bear. In which case acceptance of the situation has to be reached. Easy to say I know. There are face book groups/organisations that can help you. I would even try your doctor/caregiver who may be able to point you in the right direction to get the help you need. Believe me, you are not alone. I wish you all the very best with this. Take good care of yourself.

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

Fix the relationship with your daughter first. It infuriates me that my mother pushes her narratives on to my daughter ''Is mum still stressed?'' as though my initiative to talk and listen was a sign of mental illness or aggression. There is one perspective, hers, and any attempt to get through to her is just met with a WALL. It's so sad, all she had to do was listen to me. Properly. For ten minutes. But she has thrown herself up on the cross for nearly four years (so far) because I tried to be heard? It is absolutely ridiculous. I'm devastated. I just wanted a mother who'd listen to me and consider my perspective equal to her own even if we differed but she wouldn't listen. She stonewalled me, blamed me, smeared me, made comments to my children to imply that she was without fault and that their own mother was mad/bad/sad. How dare she. Listen to your daughter. My daughter just has a superficial relationship with my mother because she saw how I was cut off. So she just keeps things superficial and talks about the weather with my mother. She'd never risk bringing up anything real.

[@debshirley6904]

I am a Christian, and so was my grown daughter. She left Christianity and changed her attitude towards me. Because I voted for Trump, she has estranged herself and her kids from my husband and I. I have always been there for them, and this hurts so very deeply. I'm not sure what to do.

[@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF]

Hello there @debshirley6904 I am sorry to hear you are going through this. All I can say is watch the other videos on this and read as many of the comments below that you can. You may find some help there. Other than that, all I can say is that if your daughter is ready for it, non-judgmental communication has to be the way forward - if she is not ready for it you can still tell her how you are feeling and then leave it for a while. In the meantime, take extra care of yourself and do things and spend time with those people you enjoy. Time is sometimes a healer. Thank you for sharing and, you have my sincere best wishes.

[@kelleybush]

Oh this was so nice! I loved this video and loved your presence and energy, and it really made me feel okay about where I am in estrangement from my two older brothers. I’m going to follow you and look at more of your videos. Loved this so much!!! Thank YOU!!!

[@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF]

Well I don't think I would be exaggerating to say, 'YOU JUST MADE MY DAY!' So happy the video helped you and equally happy that you have decided to join us. Thank you so much for your comment.

[@savageinkstudios2969]

There is no reconciliation for me. Cutting off my parents was one of the best descisions ive ever made. Its been nearly a decade and i have no regrets at all. People call it an epidemic, i believe that this last generation has just learned to love themselves and not to tolerate abuse just because your abuser is family. Epidemic implies something negative. A wave of people deciding not to let others poison their lives anymore is positive. In the 1950s, people in abusive marriages were expected to stay. Leaving a terrible marriage is a good thing. Leaving terrible parents behind is a good thing. We get this one single life to live. Why would anyone want to keep people in their lives who are going to bring that quality down?

[@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF]

Hello there @savageinkstudios2969 - thank you for putting this point of view forward. You make some very valid points and I am pleased to hear that you are at peace with your situation. Thank you for your comment.

[@389valley]

I hope you are perfect mother to your kids so you won't go through what your mom did

[@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF]

Well I wouldn’t say perfect but my parenting was certainly informed by my own experience. Thank you for your comment.

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

I don't need to be perfect and neither do my kids. we all need to understand that all of us have our own perspective and we can talk to each and we can listen to each other. That is the ability that my mum lacks. She needs to control everything. She picks a narrative that she's content with and you're shamed and met with contempt if you don't play along.

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

I get it. my heart would soften instantly if I just heard some small acknowledgement of how she behaved to me, but she wants to go down the route of gaslighting me in to believing that I'm insane. How can that work?

[@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF]

Don't give up hope Susan - it may well happen at some point. I hope it does.

[@Gotprivacy-noyoudont]

You are not alone. You can’t heal others.

[@lynnschaeferle-zh4go]

No where do I see estrangement due to divorce. No where do I see what happens when estrangers have children they have to explain why they don’t have grandparents. Then what happens when they grow up and get pissed? I don’t see any future in the family, especially as it is really tough raising children without extended family.

[@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF]

Hello there Lynn - I am sorry you are dealing with this and I agree - my own mother raised five children on her own in the days when there was no help at all. It must be very difficult for you. I am limited in a five to ten minute video to include everything and you do cover valid points. If you would care to tell me your main problems with reference to this I will try to cover them if I do another part to the Estrangement from family videos. Thank you for taking the time to comment.

[@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF]

Hi Lynn - I received your response in the comments and somehow managed to lose it - I am sorry. However, I did manage to read it before it disappeared. You have clearly been through so much and are still dealing with an awful situation. Much of what you talk about is out of my expertise but I would say that you have strong self awareness and understanding - establish what you need right now to help you and seek out the right professional help. I would also check out this charity STAND ALONE - Charity supporting estranged adults in everyday life www.standalone.org. They also have a face book group where you may get support from people who have 'endured and conquered' a similar situation. Other than that Lynn I send you my heartfelt best wishes and apologies, again, for losing the message.

[@amandakropen3273]

My mother stated the silent treatment at age 29. She wanted me to lie and say I was working when i wasn't I had a yet undiagnosed bladder disease and was in too much pain to go. My in laws just told me come over after I start treatment.

[@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF]

So sorry Amanda - I hope your health has now improved. Thank you for your comment.

[@amandakropen3273]

90% remission..no more treatments :)@@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF

[@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF]

WOW! so very pleases to hear you are in remission - great to hear good news! Well done you! Your health is all that matters - take care. x

[@mariannaservitje5366]

I would love to get in touch with you! You are very wise and I like your approach .

[@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF]

Thank you - my email details are available on the channel info. (I do receive many emails so you may need to be patient for a response.:)

[@dianagarrison3138]

I’m a child of sexual assault, never wanted and always disrespected. My mother hates me and I can’t take her rejection any longer. Her concern is not for me but for how the estrangement makes her look (her words). 🙁

[@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF]

Okay Diana - If you haven't already, you must seek out professional help. You need now to consider yourself and your future. The right professional help will help you to understand your situation more clearly and help you step by step to move forward. This is never easy but certainly possible to create a better life for yourself. I wish you all the very best.

[@dianagarrison3138]

@@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF It’s been the most difficult thing I’ve done. Going to therapy and trying not to suicide. It’s a torment.

[@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF]

i am so sorry you are going through this - please stick with it and stay strong - you will get there. Wishing you peace.

[@patriciacestare232]

My heart is broken😢

[@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF]

I am so sorry you are going through this Patricia and only hope that something happens to help reconcile your relationship with your daughter. In the meantime, take extra care of yourself. I wish you all the very best.

[@alexadellastella5247]

positive psychology is like spiritual bypassing, what is needed is understanding and a therapist that helps you process deep burried emotions not pushing with your will towards positivity while hiding the darkness.....

[@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF]

Gosh! if I ever give the impression that I am suggesting 'pushing with your will towards positivity' I am obviously not expressing myself clearly. I totally agree that there is time for therapy (but not always and not for everyone) particularly if, indeed, deep buried emotions are the issue. Thank you so much for your comment.

[@jocarter2178]

Do you think you would have been okay still if she hadn't of said she made mistakes to you? I'm going through the exact same thing with my mother I could never have an identity or life of my own away from just being her daughter to the point I started to resent her (i even had anxiety etc too when we became estranged) I want us to reconcile now 4 years later because she's sick but we would only be able to if we didn't talk it through it all as she would never do that. It always has to just be swept under the rug and she did no wrong. She would rather ignore/stonewall lose contact. She only wants to know if it's never spoken about or accountability taken on her side too. I can either try have relationship with her and just try forget everything and accept I will never get an apology from her. Or not have relationship at all. Either way it hurts :(

[@jocarter2178]

We're you okay having the relationship with her again even before she said she made mistakes to you, or if she had never of said it? ❤

[@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF]

Hello @jocarter2178 I am sorry this is happening - you kind of answer yourself with reference to the choices you have. I am tempted to say that your mother will not change but people do - only you know. Lets assume she stays the same - you have to weigh up the price you pay for having a relationship with her. Remember, your relationship is not just about this issue it is so much more than that and I notice a 'little' in your profile pic. so it isn't just about you now. Personally, I would approach your mum and maybe build a different relationship. You will have to accept her as she is and that there could well never be 'an apology. The thing is, if you try and it doesn't work out you will be back where you started so- you will have lost nothing. Ultimately, it is your decision, no-one can tell you what to do. Go with your gut... thank you for sharing your experience and I wish you all the very best. Please let us know down the line how you are doing.

[@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF]

@@jocarter2178 Yes I was okay. By that time I lived away from home and had a family of my own so the relationship was much less intense, shall we say. I never expected anything from her and so it was a joy when it came. I have to say I will be forever grateful that 'something' guided me to knock on her door that day. .

[@hava6202]

If your parents are toxic and you would rather be estranged then that is completely fine its not your responsibility to take care of your parents emotionally nor physically especially if they are not willing to change for the better nor take responsibility for their toxic behavior

[@tammieprintz3975]

Going through a living hell 😢 it’s so sad that my adult children keep the grandbabies from me 😭

[@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF]

I am so sorry. I know this season is particularly difficult. Try to do consider yourself right now and what you could do for yourself that you enjoy. Extreme self care is what I suggest. I appreciate this isn't easy and I wish you all the very best.

[@Eva-li2pe]

Thank you for your video, it is very informative and, due to wonderful people like you we can better understand and cope with been ostracized by family. My question is …why is it that the burden of estrangement is always on the parent? My stranger daughter was always manipulative and controlling. One day she decided that she was finally tired of doing that and changed her behavior to be indifferent, distant, and strange. What did I do, how was it my fault if she was born with a difficult personality?

[@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF]

Yes I hear you Eva - if the estranged 'child' is an adult the responsibility is, ideally, shared. I know it doesn't work out that way. I hope you are managing to find some peace in your situation and thank you so much for your comment.

[@legalfictionnaturalfact3969]

it's on the parent bc it's the parent's *job* to make sure everything is good for that child, as much as possible. if you don't do that job, then you are to blame. that's how being a parent works, honey.

[@snowmanmanvideo]

"My child was just born wrong, how is that my fault?" This is a sleight of hand trick you are playing and the only one fooled is yourself. Most people are not born with "difficult personailities" and those that are have clinical, genetic issues. Issues that MUST come from a parent or grandparent, most likely a parent. You have defined your child as abuser from birth, and yourself as the victim of your child. Even with mental issues, most children will be pretty normal for their early years because mental issues often set on later. Your narrative that your child is evil from birth is telling of how warped and cruel your world view is. You'd rather see your own child, when they were small, as your abuser. No. If anyone was abuser it was you

[@miriamalisina]

Hi christine . How can we contact you ?

[@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF]

Hi Ali - You can contact me on [e-mail]

[@56348u]

No I don't want to reconcile!

[@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF]

And I respect that totally.

[@tinamallin2570]

😢😔😔😔😔😔

[@jolenekreiner8537]

My son wrote us the worae letter and said he hated us. We are reeling with this. He is in contact with his cousin thank God.

[@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF]

I am so sorry Jolene. Obviously, I do not know your story but if you think about the times you had bad thoughts about someone for whatever reason - (which is something we have all done at some point) but then imagine writing those thoughts down and sending it to them...coming out with the 'hate' word often comes in the heat of the moment and is an immature way to express other feelings and emotions. I know this is difficult but try not to take it to heart. Step back for a while. Your son may well be regretting his actions already. Whether or not he clearly has his own emotions to work through. Perhaps his cousin could help him do that. Give it time. You have my sincere best wishes.

[@jolenekreiner8537]

Thank you for responding. His cousin let him know that we had spoken and we just wanted to make sure he was ok. My son was ok with that. I feel like we have hope. And healing

[@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF]

So very pleased to hear that Jolene. Thank you for letting us know.

[@jolenekreiner8537]

Your kind words were so helpful. My son is now not communicating with anyone. I am trying to stay calm.

[@7oclockmiracles88]

🙏 I’m praying!

[@chilloften]

I would like to add…if your estranged peoples are abusive, it’s never safe, never going to be, please save your life. Idk, my mother does really abusive stuff. I cannot risk my well being & livelihood. She only wants to destroy my soul, my being. It’s so sick. Her only daughter.

[@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF]

@chilloften Sage advice - thank you so much for commenting and you have my best wishes.

[@389valley]

This is a millenial trend...and condoned by new generations of therapists...new word. Toxic. If your mother or father are toxic ...lcut them off...that's the advice now

[@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF]

I think you are right about the word toxic for sure. Thank you for your comment.

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

no it's not, it's that adults are living longer and people's parents still act like the one up boss of their grown up children.

[@TamunoOpuboCooksCookeyGam]

I have never met a therapist. Ive never believed in estrangement. But when conversations go nowhere, you're always shocked at the betrayal by a parent, etc. What is one to do? It's only been 1 month+ but life has been a lot less complicated. For clarification, before i went no contact, i had initiated all conversations for almost 1 month. Since i went no contact, the parent has not called once. So, it's not that i have refused calls. This parent has only been complaining to all siblings, and claiming betrayal. Also, i have never seen a therapist in my adult life.

[@hava6202]

Its not responsibility of the traumatized to take care of the traumatizers Itll just suck your soul out trying to "fix" them especially if they are narcissistic

[@princesssela6204]

The internet and youtube "Coaches" are encouraging family destruction. I was a mother less daughter and now I am a daughterless mother. I taught my daughter by example how to treat me. Yes, I made mistakes. Today I go through situations with my daughter, from the past in my head. She was a difficult child. Did I miss something? Did her anger come from the turmoil I went through when I was pregnant with her? It is very difficult to try to solve something when the other person won't speak. All I want for Christmas is my family. It isn't possible and that is heart breaking.

[@lesleymimmack7296]

I have never ever even tapped my kids hands I don't have the wright to do that.they had a happy childhood but we disagreed when they hit my children I couldn't cope it's caused this terrible situation.I take responsibility for the way I handled it now I don't see my grandchildren i.m so low I don't have a purpose in life

[@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF]

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Of course I don't know your situation but you need to talk to someone - if not a friend or a family member please go to see your GP/care giver and tell them how you are feeling. They will have resources they will put you in touch with. Please don't try to deal with this alone. There are some things you cannot deal with alone and if you feel so low you need to reach out and please get help. My best wishes are with you.

[@lesleymimmack7296]

@@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF I have tried every one even crisis team no one is helping me.

[@lesleymimmack7296]

@@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF I walked in to doc's in jimjams begging for help they didn't do anything

[@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF]

What part of the world are you from lesley? Try online support groups there are many of them out there. You are not alone with your situation

[@lesleymimmack7296]

@@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF I live in east Yorkshire England

[@ez2u1]

who gives a rat ass.... you did your job.... that was great! they are responsible for their choice... Believe me there are plenty of lonely people you can have deep meaningful relationships....

[@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF]

Yes I think you are right! Thank you for taking the time to comment with a different way of thinking.

[@mxxx3591]

To creator of this video, did you every apologise to your mother and ask her for forgiveness?? Seems to me you were only interested in being right ( vindicated) rather than face your role in the problem. 21 yrs old is an adult, surely you were a functional person with a personality. Looks to me you still have one way blinkers only. Sounds like your mother was a very lovely forgiving loving parent, you failed to realse how lucky you really were and you put her through 8 yrs of unnecessary suffering. Why didn't you work on yourself and your communication, negotiation skills rather than punish your mother to find your way. No parent ever wants their child not to grow up, leave home and find their own independent way in life, any perceived prevention was entirely in your resentful bitter head.

[@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF]

Hello @mxxx3591 I hear you and appreciate your point of view. You are right there was no 'direct' apology from me either. However, we did muddle along quite nicely until the end when we fully reconciled. Of course, I would not advocate that everyone behave the way we did - every case is different and dependent on the people and situation concerned. How much easier would it be if there were a single 'right' answer. I feel blessed that my mother and I came together in our own way and would hope the same for anyone who is estranged. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment.

[@Gotprivacy-noyoudont]

I think there ARE parents that don’t want their children to be independent and have their own life…. More than you can imagine.

[@Lucy-f2o]

No. Youre absolutely wrong. There IS NO HOPE. Save yourself. End the relationship

[@HAPPYSTUFFANDFLUFF]

Hello@user-we6ee9mr8x I am sorry you feel this way but I do agree, there does come a time to move on. I sincerely hope you have managed to find peace with your own situation and thank you for your comment.