Everyone in a Long Term Relationship Should Read This

[@katlantas5674]

I went on a few Tinder dates in my life that didn’t stick at all - except one. I met this girl at a bar where we accidentally stumbled into a group of her friends. These people were amazing, we had a fantastic night together. They provided lots of different conversation topics and I got to see my dates opinion on things I wouldn’t have otherwise. I remember this as a great date to this day and very much because of the setting. It eased the whole situation of a „blind date“ into an easy going night with friends where we could get to know each other. Didn’t go anywhere romantically but we’re still friends!

[@katlantas5674]

Oh also, when my friend and I were teenagers and were too shy to ask people on dates. We literally threw whole parties and invited our crushes at the time, again, to get to know them in this light hearted and environment. It worked each time 🤣

[@hannahwitton]

Love this!! And yeah haha that was the only way to really hang out with crushes when you were younger 😅

[@Ray_Mac]

Honestly I've heard of people making more friends than romantic partners from dating apps. I think it's an underrated/under-served use

[@MrGianeta]

@@Ray_Mac there are frienship apps and they are much healthier and less toxic.

[@JustLIkerapunzel]

@@Ray_Mac I'm 32 yo and at this point I barely know any couple that didn't initially meet online lol.. That's why I didn't give up on Tinder when it seemed rather pointless, but instead just tried to give more men a chance than I naturally would with the entire swiping psychology that leads to very quick judgements. I'm not with a partner who could not be more similar to me (while I really do believe the more you're alike, the easier the relatinoship will be). He was like not bad looking online but would not be really "my type" on first glance. When we met for our first date I was almost swiped off my feet about how attractive he was. At this point we already had way too deep conversations already before the first date which also most likely influenced my very different perceptino IRL.

[@laundryweather]

I read this book with my ex and I also felt smug when I read that quote you mentioned around 4:58. It felt so perfect. Turned out he was cheating on me and lying about it for most of our relationship, I'd known him for 7 years when I found out through a third party. I tried to stay and make it work but it became clear that I was never going to be able to trust him again. Just wanted to say that communicating and being positive and open about desire in a long term relationship does not make you safe from betrayal. No matter how okay you would be with what the other person wants, the other person still has to respect you enough to ask for it, and no book can make them do that.

[@katekramer7679]

Oof. Sorry you went through that.

[@DavidBennettPiano]

I’ve spent many many hours in this studio both rehearsing and recording! Lovely to be toured around to learn more about this place I love!

[@bethany9477]

I met my husband as a flatmate in halls at uni. So before we got together, we had 6 months of getting to know each other as people, around our friends & family, before we started propper dates. We're both introverts too, so when we were together we often went on walks to the beach ect. Interesting that we're still together 11 years later!

[@rebeccawiens4224]

I thought that I had stumbled across an older Hannah video. Your hair is getting so long! Great video as always. As an aro-ace person, the psychology and sociology of romantic and sexual relationships are really interesting to me. I wish people put as much priority on building friendships as they did romantic and sexual relationships.

[@eozisfine]

Really interesting! Group activities as a first date is a big no-no for me. I'm neurodivergent and hanging out with someone I like or someone I don't know + their family or friends which I don't know yet sounds like a nightmare. But doing something together (instead of meeting in a cafè) is a really good idea.

[@kb9wob]

💯. Inviting someone to join oneself in our safe and comfortable space can be a power move. It can so easily take the other party out of their safety and put them in an uncomfortable situation. If both parties are somewhat extroverted, it can be a good idea. Otherwise the “outsider” may be at a disadvantage. There’s no one right way for a first date. Keep an open mind and also be careful not to put yourself into an uncomfortable situation!

[@sokken_4464]

Doing an activity is a great way to date! Whether it's a date or a potential new friend, I like to invite people to go bouldering with me, either with other friends or one on one. Doing something else, whether that's climbing, going for a walk, playing a board game, painting, whatever, makes conversation flow so much more easily than just sipping your coffee at a café. Doing an activity, you're not expected to look at the other person at all times, and depending on the activity it might even be totally natural to go quiet for a while, avoiding the awkward silence of running out of things to say at a restaurant

[@janisc3683]

As someone who has recently started delving into my queerness properly, I've found the rich community that queer people have, to be sp refreshing. So many of my very early dates have been introducing me into queer spaces. Its made me get to know the person I'm dating way better but also, more importantly, understand myself better. Which has been invaluable and so joyous.

[@21jillybeans12]

I have OCD and it's really interesting to hear about the connections between uncertainty and desire. OCD's whole thing is intolerance of uncertainty and I have found relationship/sex OCD themes have been the hardest for me to disengage from. The math is mathing!

[@theoutsider8226]

Oh my god I feel this, I have ocd too and it’s the peak of what I’m going through right now :(

[@21jillybeans12]

@@theoutsider8226 I understand. OCD spikes have kicked my ass worse than anything else I've experienced. But even when it does it's worst (and wow its worst is bad), you can still recover.

[@iamme8406]

I dated someone with OCD which involved relationship/sex themes. I Was 100% committed and in love with him. I thought we would marry and have kids and grow old together. But the OCD around the relationship became to distressing for him and he needed to step out of the relationship to work on his mental health. That was devastating.

[@mariemaier5630]

Hi Hanah, I think it would be really interesting if you could interview a woman that went through menopause on how this has changed her attitude to sex and her own body image

[@ellabooray]

There's a video on Hannah's channel from August with three women talking about menopause - I'd highly recommend it!

[@Ecesu]

@@ellaboorayHow did I miss that!? Im blaming the algorithm... Thank you!

[@katybechnikova2821]

I'm not good at talking and I was socialised as a woman. The pressure is real, the expectation is unmet and it scares people.

[@noellekillius9048]

I'd love a video on sexuality and marriage! My husband is pretty asexual, and I'm quite a hypersexual person, and I'd love for those different dynamics to be researched in terms of marriage and expansion of intimacy

[@sokken_4464]

That's a really interesting dynamic, I'm curious about how you make that work, if you'd like to tell

[@NadiaAli1]

Same dynamic here! It’s frustrating when online the conversation is solely men as the more sexual partner

[@thenopedetective]

I think "come as you are" would still apply, but maybe more for reading for your husband and for you two facilitate more sexual feelings? Asexuality is a spectrum, so low libido vs sex repulsed asexual will have very different sex lives (likely). My partner has depression and disordered eating/body image, so he's not sexual very often. We get around this by having a lot of non sexual intimacy (cuddling, hugging) and emotional intimacy. We still make sexual comments and flirt, but with knowledge it's not an invitation (most of the time). Building up regular flirting that doesn't go anywhere in that moment was probably the biggest help for me, but I do think some would find it frustrating. Shared humour and care around it also goes a long way, we're compassionate about it. When we do have sex (1-2x/month) it's great, though some may see it as boring/vanilla. (I came from a background of having sex multiple times per week and kink - on paper I would have never thought I'd be happy with this.) Ideally I'd be having sex more often, but this fills my cup enough that I'm happy.

[@libbylangley7099]

The part about socialising together really interests me. I'd love a video to delve into how to try and nurture this organically when one partner is neurodivergent. For my partner, socialising with groups of new people can be difficult, particularly after negative past experiences, and a lot of group activities can be a sensory overload. I've often thought it would be nice to have that easy-breezy social fluidity, but it's not often I get to see him in those situations.

[@thenopedetective]

Yes! My partner likely has autism, but definitely depression and anxiety. We're both very introverted so it's been very challenging to build up any semblance of socializing together in a new area and all to easy to default to socializing with each other. I also work in a client based setting, so my social battery is zapped by the end of the day/weekend. I know I'm not happy with the situation, but also I'm not sure how to change it.

[@libbylangley7099]

@@thenopedetective ahh this is so relatable! When we first moved in together we were in a new city and struggled to make meaningful connections due to the combination of my anxiety and his social neurodivergent traits. We have now moved country and while I'm not struggling to make friends he is struggling to want to go outside at the worst of times and struggling to muster the energy to socialise at best. Being a young adult in a new country is exhausting as it is so I do feel for him 😞 I know most of the time all he needs is to be left alone but I wish I knew what else I could do to help

[@phillipfrankreid]

Yep--got a lot out of that book a couple years ago, about 33 years in, and told my kids to read it. Important stuff.

[@saskiahorton]

I think there is definetly a hierachy around socialising, talking and being able to put emotions into words and 'communicate' in relationships (see- nonverbal disabled ppl who are 'put down' or infantilised by society- wrongly so). I don't believe this automatically leaves women 'sexually repressed' however. I think the connectivity with our bodies lies on a spectrum built up by personal experiences with intimacy, sexual currency, intimate partner (or familial) violence and care. I think what is chronically devalued is 'energetic'/energy currency or the way in which partners 'hold space' for each other. As this is a very intangible thing I think it's hard to put into words. But it can be a calmness, a responsiveness to heightened states of emotion, literally holding, listening or as Hannah said Esther said- acts of service. I think it is more complex than 'words or the body'. As what we say and think as a direct affect on our physical wellbeing (i.e see chronic illness). I do think certain genders are more adept at different types of communication yes, but all people have strengths and weaknesses as to how emobodied vs. how verbal they are. And it is a give and take, a back and forth. A learning process as to how to establish equal systems of care and support so one can support the other- when words are required or when we need to be brought back to the body.

[@sprinkledsunshine]

Love this video and would love to see more bookish reviews like this sprinkled in! :)

[@anageorge]

Bookishy videos yes please! The podcast series is so good!

[@erint5373]

Haha I laughed when you talked about Colin Firth's character-relationship in Love Actually: as when my partner and I first got together we did not speak the same language. Cut to when we first started seeing a therapist and the therapist said "..so you've always had communication challenges" -Burned by the truth! 😂😂❤🎉

[@hannahwitton]

Brutal 😅

[@maggiebookworm]

I listened to most of the book but haven't finished yet. It was really reassuring in a lot of ways that what i was experiencing was normal

[@nemaisrach]

I haven't even watched the video yet but yay Hannah found time to read!!

[@sorawakabayashi]

How insightful. Loved the video ! Thank you

[@dian7131]

Yes to more videos like this! I would love to hear your thoughts on the new Emily Nagoski’s book when it’s out!

[@justsomebody7702]

I looooove these types of videos!!! Thank you so much!!!

[@jillisenberg9704]

I would love a monthly sex and relationships book review/deep dive. This was so interesting and piqued my interest in reading this book.

[@nellien4802]

Yessssss a book video!

[@lucillerenard9019]

Really loved this video, this was such an interesting topic that I hadn’t hear much about, so getting a bit of a bite sized introduction was great!

[@danagottzmann4888]

Love this style of video! Great for books of interest I haven't had a chance to read yet! Thanks Hannah! :)

[@sofyaa2943]

Omg! I’m absolutely loving this season of Doing it and especially the one about money and capitalism! I knew that capitalism was entrenched in our lives but I didn’t know that it affected our love and sex lives so much!! I have been listening to your podcast for more than 2 years and each episode never fails to be entertaining and thought provoking! It has gotten me through my last years of school and now the ups and downs of uni! Also I’m studying psychology in uni and you have inspired me to become a sex and relationships therapist! Also I’m currently trying to get into our student organisation that does sex ed in our uni and be a writer for their social media. Thank you so much for everything you do 😘❤❤

[@LieingCostsYourSoulTellElders]

Make sure to remember all lies you have ever told and to share food with the homeless and to reverse alll lies ever told its very important for the souls future. No infinite nudity no more. Beautiful you are amazing

[@Pompo5]

I found the running away from current partner vs running to your new self very interesting. But i still feel the threat that that new self will not be liked or embraced by my partner

[@vildekongtorp5569]

Loved this video and super interesting topics/ideas/thoughts!

[@xXcharly94Xx]

i really enjoyed this, thank you so much, hannah :)

[@jacobmarcus5902]

Commenting before I watch this, But I absolutely love this book and Esther in general! Im interested to see your thoughts on it

[@jotaculas]

why is it called a currency? just because of the interction between two people? i dont really get the origin of the term...🤔

[@WillowHex169]

Love the book review format❤ and I will look into that book!

[@CorinneDemyanovich]

+1 book for the tbr!

[@RhianKristen]

I’ve only had one relationship in my life and it’s long term (7 years now) and I’m really regretting it. I care about them, but I also feel trapped, unable to grow, to explore, to experience others, to freely experience myself. Trying to decide whether or not to end it has been one of the worst decisions of my life…. Personally, I’m not sure if relationships are for me if I have to be so defined and restricted by them. I don’t want to hurt my partners, but I also want to just be able to live my life, including bringing others into it from time to time. I don’t know. Maybe it’s FOMO, maybe it’s my ADHD.

[@JulieM11]

Dang I relate to this so hard right now! It's so hard and it sucks so bad. Hang in there, you're not alone and things will be okay eventually (that's what I keep telling myself lol)

[@oliviaequitation2317]

From someone who fairly recently broke off a long term relationship (of 5 years) after feeling the same as you, it was difficult but I haven’t regretted it. I’ve dated a few people this year and it’s been such an amazing personal experience to connect with different people and has definitely scratched that itch that wouldn’t go away when I was in that long term relationship.

[@MrNicoJac]

A great partner helps you grow, explore, and be/find your true self. I don't know enough about your relationship to judge whether it's "doomed" or can be turned around. I'll just say that relationships _can_ be a lot like businesses - you need to make mistakes and learn from them in order to succeed. (and you can make those mistakes and apply the lessons in the same relationship, but sometimes it's easier to make a fresh start where you don't slide back into established patterns/old dynamics) I'll also add that relationships need not be exclusive, but can be open - perhaps that's more your thing? (although with that comes a whole can of worms too, and opening that Pandora's Box if not all is well already, is probably not gonna stabilize the relationship) Best of luck with your decision! Perhaps a helpful perspective is that you can do no wrong - but also no right 🙃 At the end of the day, nobody is perfect, so you always have to compromise. But you can decide whether this current compromise is worth it, for you, or whether you'd rather find a different one :) Either way, your life won't get magically fixed - but it also won't go completely down the drain! (although it can certainly feel that way, but that's only temporary - you will overcome the hardships)

[@tiniestmonkey]

In my first relationship I felt more trapped and like imagining the rest of my life together was denying myself of so much. In my next relationship, we've been able to be very open about wanting to grow and explore things so we went into the relationship agreeing to give each other space to change and experience things (including a bit of openness with other people). In this relationship, I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. Don't discount all relationships. Maybe your current relationship can be changed after a hard conversation or maybe you'll find someone else who you can be more free with. Good luck.

[@reneewhittaker3846]

Love this style of video Hannah!

[@16ilovevampires]

I wasn't familiar with Tony Robbins, now I am and I wish I wasn't. 🙃

[@hannahwitton]

hahaha omg I'm so sorry 😅

[@rebecca8366]

Look at you refilling the well!!

[@Moundfreek]

I'm always here for a book discussion :)

[@lilurri]

I'm still not great with social media. But I came here to say that your videos about ttc as well as Mama Doctor Jones' videos on the subject helped me to conceive! We're due in June, and I'm excited! Thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!!

[@elenaadler4633]

Love bookishy talk videos. Just added this to my TBR list.

[@jane01234]

Lov the book recommendations!

[@rebeccarand9682]

On the topic of her idea that talking being the supreme form of communication is leaving women more sexually repressed, I actually fully understand that. If women are (typically) the ones prioritizing talking, and using that to form intimate connections, and are also not conditioned to believe that their physical pleasure is a priority, then yes, women will be more sexually repressed and physically "mute" when it comes to communication. I've read Brene Brown's Daring Greatly, where she found that men find sex and intimacy to be this critical holy grail, a place of vulnerability and expression - it is completely the opposite for them, and I feel like there is little understanding between the two genders of where they chiefly expect to connect the most, and be the most intimate and vulnerable with each other.

[@ArianeLaurentSmith]

Loved this video!

[@amyhatch3761]

I met my husband on Tinder so our first few dates were typical one-on-one in the pub type things, but two weeks in, my family were going out to celebrate a birthday, so I told him I couldn't see him that night because I was at a family thing. He said "why I don't I come along?" I'm super close with my extended family so the fact that he fitted in with them was a huge green flag.

[@koenahn]

Love the video, will definitely check out the pod

[@jacobtarr2221]

Love you!

[@asilallam]

I'm someone who does not like group settings and who prefers to be with a person one on one than multiple people (a friend or a romantic partner it doesn't matter I just don't like group settings) but I've always found the concept of dates weird and people trying too hard to see if they're compatible and I've always been more comfortable meeting someone and naturally slowly getting to know them and go from friends to more so I don't necessarily agree with esther perel on that one I also love talking and listening to people talk?? about their life what's been upsetting them what's been making them happy their feelings their thoughts their beliefs I'm not someone who likes being in a crowd or be in a place with a lot activity so literally my favorite thing to do is just with someone and talk and yes obviously I love an activity too but nothing beats just being someone walking or sitting somewhere and just talking.. it's why I love the before sunrise/sunset/midnight trilogy it was literally the story of two people who met and got to talking about everything and it's a movie showing just them talking and connecting so yeah definitely don't agree with esther perel on the whole talking is overrated thing

[@LeComplice]

I looooved this video.

[@lyssasletters3232]

Need to re-read her books ❤

[@desireeh9449]

Currently reading this!

[@arwilk]

I don't know if it's just me but I've got my volume all the way up and the audio is still quite quiet

[@xgrlgeniusx]

I’ve been recommended this book before and after watching your video I’m wondering whether Esther Perel’s content feels inclusive of queer relationships and alternative relationship structures? If so I will be adding to my TBR..

[@SaraxAdam]

Hello! Queer here. Check out some of her newer talks (Ted and otherwise lmao). I seem to recall a level of inclusivity (esp during this one Q&A portion of one of her talks); but either way, I found she had a tremendous amount of wisdom to share that anyone could benefit from, queer or not.

[@ratdude747]

On the point about dating: I can agree. I knew my wife as a friend for many years before we were a couple. Funny, everybody in school thought we were a couple then... nope! Should we have been? Dunno. very different circumstances, and if one's HS life can have such, different politics. A story waay to long for a YT post!

[@SK-tk5lc]

Thank you for reading this so I dont have to!

[@TheUltimateToad]

I wouldn't recommend it, but the best sex is breakup (almost) and makeup sex after long term relationships get tired. I say that because it's nice to feel desired again, something that is now lacking once again

[@c.morland]

Thanks!

[@sienat7249]

That quote is wild to me on a few levels, one that women are specifically I think it leans on old school concepts of who is "supposed to" play what role in the relationship. I also think the idea of verbal communication itself being supreme as you kind of said is not true for everyone and really depends on the people involved and meeting each other on their levels. I think that supremacy ignores a lot of people who either dont, can't or prefer not to communicate verbally and are still excellent communicators. Finally, I think preferring verbal communication does not mean you're repressing sexuality or not communicating with body language and I think it's a weird assumption.

[@pennypops25]

Love these sex & relationship book summary videos. More please!!!

[@brunettevlogging]

There’s no way in hell I’m joining someone in a group on a first or second date. There’s also equally no way in hell I’m inviting a first date, or second date, or boyfriend of a couple months even, into my family and private life. No. Nope. NOPE NOPE NOPE.

[@snailart14]

It totally depends though. I don't have kids so I didn't mind hooking up on the third date, and then he met my family like 2 months later and now it's been three years and we're moving in together. It's different for everyone.

[@emmabarnes609]

hi

[@jtw-r]

congrats, youtube says this was my 5000th liked video on the platform 🏆

[@Charlotte-hv6ll]

leaving a comment for the algorithm

[@robinking7137]

I found this interesting being someone who finds it hard to get dates to go on

[@catherineeASMR]

Hmm the dating advice seemed very extravert-leaning, not super helpful for people who feel less comfortable in groups, it would surely be super intimidating and uncomfortable for lots of people

[@hannahwitton]

I guess it’s then thinking about what would be the equivalent of bringing someone into your world/visiting someone else’s world that doesn’t involve large groups of people? The examples with me and Dan yeah were very big social occasion focused because of the time of year but there’s definitely other ways of doing it in a smaller quieter way that still doesn’t mean just doing 1:1 drinks in a new place ???

[@catherineeASMR]

To be honest, when I used to 'date' in the traditional way, the 1-on-1 drinks was the only dating scenario I found comfortable! But then I decided to stop dating altogether because as soon as I'd view someone with 'romantic intent' I'd end up trying to 'win' at dating and confused the dopamine high with feelings 100% of the time. So in general I think meeting people naturally and then accidentally ending up dating was the only way for me (I'm with the love of my life now), so I'm probably not the right person to ask 😂 @@hannahwitton

[@MrNicoJac]

Huh, wouldn't it be better for introvert people to be in a group they already feel familiar with? 🤔 Like, maybe don't join the other person's friend group then, sure! :) But inviting someone you wanna date to join your own friend group, perhaps even for a dinner party at your own place, that wouldn't be very uncomfortable/intimidating, right? 😊

[@catherineeASMR]

Personally I'd find there to be too much pressure, but maybe this would work for some people!@@MrNicoJac

[@Joe_Sant]

Do you still not believe in a Soulmate Hannah? You & Dan seem to have a very close relationship & because of this do you see Dan as your true Soulmate??? Just asking because I know I met my soulmate 44 years ago….☮️💟

[@hannahwitton]

I don't really believe in "soulmates" but that word means different things to different people. I believe Dan and I are very well suited to be in a romantic relationship together, we're best friends and choose to love each other every day.

[@Joe_Sant]

Whatever word we use to describe our significant other is really not important. Loving the person you’ve decided to spend the rest of your lives with is the main thing. I hear of so many couples who don’t make their relationship work is more the norm. I thought when I was in my early 20’s I’d never get the lady I loved at first sight. But it happened & I’m so happy it did. Be happy everyday. Time passes so quickly.

[@MrNicoJac]

​@@hannahwitton Could you please expand on what "soulmates" means to you, and why you don't label yourself and Dan as such? :) (or tell my overthinking ADHD brain to piss off, hahaha)

[@trentvlak]

Please no popping sounds.

[@xxxxyyy694]

Post more burps

[@Sky-Child]

Absolutely not to the group dating thing. So you choose a partner because your family or friends approve but YOU are the one that has to spend your life with them behind closed doors. Hard pass

[@juliemyers9532]

Bloody hell is that all you think about sex, let's face it , it's pretty shit after a long time tobether🎉

[@MrNicoJac]

It shouldn't/needn't be 🙃 That's the whole point...

[@JuiceboxEconomics]

This video felt rambling and frivolous. I don't feel the creator added anything to the larger conversation started in the book. Her self labelled smugness about how great her relationship is just felt like needless bragging. I stopped watching the video at this point. Felt like it should have been a conversation with her friends, not a KZbin book review.

[@artiep]

Thanks!