Explaining My Early Detransition Thoughts

[@ellepalmer]

hey y'all, follow my instagram if you want to witness my cool skateboarding adventures. instagram.com/ellepalmer1

[@aiyannaking6671]

Lol why are youy skating in a cemetery ya goof

[@matthewmutz9337]

@@aiyannaking6671 The graveyard, It's a great place to hang

[@matthewmutz9337]

@@aiyannaking6671 Ya goof... That's correct left foot front

[@dylancole1910]

elle palmer your such a delightful person, I enjoy the fact that your revealing all of this for people to see, you are incredibly strong.

[@HhhUu-ku7oc]

@elle palmer i appreciate every video you do. While you where transitioning was there any time you had to be careful about vaginal atrophy because i heard this is something many ftm have to be careful about ?

[@isaugh8784]

When I first started realizing I was trans, and especially when I started coming out, I HATED watching detransition videos because it was scary. But as I've grown and become more comfortable with my identity its become really reassuring listening to experiences that so clearly ARE NOT mine😂 Everyone is different and goes through different things It's very interesting..

[@dkmn7568]

Lol same here

[@samavery6578]

you inspire me. i've identified as a trans dude since i was 16, and i've been off-and-on testosterone for about a year. i just turned 20 last month. i'm going through the same shit you are; doubting myself, doubting my identity. the point you made about "the more you progress through your transition, the less you see yourself as a man" completely resonates with me. i feel less alone knowing you've been through the same shit, and you're still here. you're an amazing woman.

[@loriadams7724]

More important than being embraced by women, which I hope you know you are, is embracing yourself, Elle. You have wisdom and perspective of women 3 times your age. You are an incredible woman, and it’s such a privilege to us to hear your journey.

[@machaenichols3482]

Nicely said I totally agree! ❤️

[@ninakershberg1479]

I’m the Mom of an almost 29 yo Transgender female to male. I think he had some identity troubles in his late teens or so. But he has grown into a wonderful man. He is having top surgery in the next few months. He has wanted this day for a very long time. I’m very happy for him. I like what you have to say because it helps me understand how he must have felt at times.

[@Carol-Bell]

I think you hit the nail on the head exactly. The best thing you could do is “be you” and not care how other people see you. We need to encourage children in the fact that being a girl doesn’t require lace and frills, and being a boy doesn’t require never crying or dressing plain. The other thing is what you mentioned about “what it means to be a woman”, that you actually had never done it. Society has all kinds of definitions and expectations of that, for men and women, and not everybody fits into those little boxes. And then it’s a big “surprise” that trying to fit into the boxes makes you miserable. Thank you for such clear, articulate, and analytical explanations. And the emotions too!

[@stevienicksisafreakinglege4413]

You nailed it! Many people need to let people be people and not always feel the need to keep up appearance or sort and group people in order to fit in.

[@Dmchadra]

I’m not gonna lie. I’m FTM and I’ve been subscribed to you for a minute now but I haven’t watched any of your videos because I’m terrified of how much I will relate to what you’re saying, and what the implications of that will mean for me and my transition... I’ve been having feelings akin to regret for about 6 months now. God I SO do not want to detransition. But the truth is I think it’s more likely than not that I will at some point in my life. Not now tho. UGH.

[@izzyfox7575]

Existing in physical form in the third dimension can be super confusing. Lots of love to you, Ollie. You are a sweet human. Good luck with whatever happens in your life.

[@ellepalmer]

hi ollie. I know how you feel. (don’t let that scare you.) Detransitioning has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Harder than transitioning for me personally, but for different reasons. But 6 months later, I feel so much happier and more content with my body and self... these are the happiest and most rewarding emotions I’ve ever felt in my teenage/adult life. I’ve never felt more in tune with my body, accepting and loving of it. I’m not left wondering what “could have” been. I’m seeing it happen before my eyes now. And full disclosure: everything you think is permanently changed because of testosterone... will most likely revert, to some extent. Even the voice can lighten. So don’t feel like you’re too far gone... if you feel regret, you don’t have to keep going. You can stop. I wish you the best of luck for your future. It’s hard to figure out.

[@jacktheduck3941]

Hi Ollie! Searching yourself is difficult and painful. You don't have to desist or detransition even if you understand yourself and the causes of your dysphoria. In some cases transition is the better outcome. I'm trans FTM and I'm knowing myself better every days and I think for me transition is the best solution yet. So find your truth! It’s important to understand if transition is really worth for you. If you really feel better and comfortable as a man go on with your transition! Good luck with your journey, whatever way you undertake :)

[@Carol-Bell]

Ollie Chadra maybe you should do like Elle has done. Write a journal. Even make a Venn diagram or chart of how you feel about being male, being female, what you are happy with being trans, and what you are NOT happy with it. And what problems did you think would be solved by transitioning? And have the problems been helped by it? What about expectations? What did you think being male would be like? Was it realistic? What about being female? I think, like Elle, the key is to “be you.” Find the you inside. Society has ideas of what it means to be a man, or what it means to be a woman. What do those things mean to YOU? Life is a pain sometimes, but take things day by day and you’ll get through it.

[@emmahowes6642]

Good luck! I hope you do what’s best for you! Don’t worry about what other people think. Your happiness is the most important thing!

[@wordlessASMR]

I hear you on ripping up old journals. Glad I'm not the only one who has done that.

[@Corizma]

You've really inspired me to start to accept myself as a women. For years I've been nonbinary, and hated every feminine part of myself. Thank you so much for being you!

[@andreaberryman5354]

Being a woman is an awesome pain!😁 Please don't change!!!🙏🏻

[@NinjaOutfitInTheWash]

I really like listening to you speak, youre very likeable. Glad I found your channel. Very interesting to hear about your experience on this.

[@EllaStone]

ugh elle you're such a friend crush. this was so relatable lmao i did the agender stuff too. it's crazy how the mind works on queer theory

[@OmfgHiii]

lets not pretend like there isnt a cis culture too it's just about which one identify with at the time

[@EllaStone]

@@OmfgHiii i don't quite understand what you're saying

[@martinkroeker1941]

Whew. Sounds like you just had yourself the most complicated puberty imaginable. But what a captivating woman it has made you.

[@cindychapman5900]

Hi. Not sure how you popped up in my YT suggestions, but I am glad you did. I am very old compared to you and when I was young no one had ever heard of transitioning. It was a different time. I have watched several of your videos. I am impressed by your strength in putting yourself on KZbin because I have read that many people post hateful and hurtful comments. When I was growing up, it was a more polite world. Ignore anyone who posts hurtful things. Many people try to not focus on making themselves happier; it is easier to attack others. You seem like a thoughtful, sensitive, intelligent person and you have every right to be happy. It does not matter what anyone else thinks about your looks, your voice, or your past. I remember being young and being unhappy with myself, writing unhappy poetry and feeling like I would never find the right person. All those feelings are normal. The most important aspect of yourself is to be accepting of your self, and your humanness. There is not one person who has a perfect life, body or path in life. How we treat others is what matters. If we try to be good, helpful, loving people, it returns to us, though it may come at a different time and in a different way that we expect at the time. That is what my experience has taught me. I really admire your mother and sister because they have clearly loved you and supported you in times that were so hard for you and might have been hard for them in some ways also. They love you and clearly they have seen the true depths of your life changes and wanted you to have the feeling of inner calm that you want for yourself. In my opinion, you were a lovely child and you were nice looking after you transitioned and you are nice looking now. (think of me as a grandmother you never met, LOL.) I believe that you will find a special someone in your life who will appreciate the special person you are and your special path in life.I hope your will also find a spiritual grounding of some sort to give you a focus of a Divine Spirit who is with you helping you to face all challenges, for I have been much more at calm in myself since I found something like that for myself. Every time of life has its own challenges. I am happy that college has brought you a new focus and you are accomplishing a great deal just to be working hard there. I hope things just keep improving.

[@dogwater6263]

Damn she said ‘“didn’t have to wait long for that.” FLEX

[@knekki.]

Hey Elle, thank you for being so honest and for sharing your experiences with us. I am/was FtM and I remember watching your videos a while back and feeling almost a bit unnerved by how much I could relate to you. I was on T at the time and still 100% certain I was NeVeR going to detransition in any way. It's been several months now, and I've learned a lot about myself since then. You helped me open my eyes to some truths I needed to come to terms with ASAP. We're not in the same boat, but we're drifting along on the same lake. I was on T for 3 years and had top surgery 8-9 months ago, I don't regret the steps I've taken in my transition at all because I truly was dysphoric and needed to go through with it in order to be happy in my own body. However, I consider my transition to be complete now, and ironically, sincr I've taken these steps to relieve my dysphoria, I feel so harmonious and comfortable in my own body that I no longer feel dyaphoric at all. Like, *at all*. Nothing makes me dysphoric anymore. After my dysphoria ceased for good, I've been feeling so comfortable with myself that I no longer feel that need to cling to hardcore masculinity and I feel totally comfortable with my femininity and my body now. I have no need for further masculinization - nor do I want it - and thus I decided that since my transition is complete, I might as well stop T and allow my body to return to its natural state. I had baaarely any tits to begin with so I had Periareolar Top surgery, I didn't get that tight, flat chest most transguys get, and I don't have any obvious scars. As a result, my chest looks quite androgynous due to how peri affects natural contour (and ofc due fat redistribution after quitting T.) I'm happy I quit when I did, I don't think I would've been happy if my body had masculinized any further, but I'm extremely happy to see my body at this androgynous "equilibrium" if that makes any sense. I've always been androgynous since very young age, both mentally and physically. It's been a strange past few months, I can't tell I'm detransitioning because I'm not who I thought I was or if I'm detransitioning because my gender identity changed due to how my dysphoria just went away after transitioning. Am I truly detransitioning or am I just shifting the direction of my transition in a new direction? I'm 43 days off, and it feels incredible to finally embrace my natural body and myself as a whole. I decided that if I ever conclude that I want to live as female, I've made a backup plan to have laser hair removal and voice feminization surgery - I don't think that's going to be necessary but it's always good to have a plan B ready just in case. I opted not to have bottom surgery or hysto, just in case, and I'm forever grateful for that. Jesus christ what a ramble, im gonna go have breakfast lol bye

[@Ryan23yrs]

Hey there can I ask you some questions

[@penthehuman]

"things are getting better all the time" yes ma'am amen :)

[@hollis1996]

I don't know if I'd say that external validation is central to the trans experience. Maybe at the beginning when you don't pass at all, but by 8 months or so I was pretty over it and got my kicks from doing cool stuff and being a successful adult. Regardless! I think what Elle's doing is great. There's so little information out there about detransition and she's putting her experience out there in such an engaging, polite way. Also, I gotta say, her videos scare the crap out of me, but they also make me feel good about my decision to transition. I feel so comfortable about living my life this way, but it's terrifying that one day I could change my mind.

[@fujoshipeanut5074]

Elle: Alright, it took a while to figure it out but now I've got it! I'm agender!! Elle (the next day): Oh wait no, I'm a woman. Hilarious and (unfortunately) relatable 😂😂

[@flicksabean9060]

My fear of detransitioning is what’s stopping me from transitioning because I don’t want to regret and be forced to detransition. I truly don’t want to be a detransitioner more than anything but the thought of never being able to transition (FTM) makes me wish something would kill me before I reach 40 (I’m 26) . It took me a long time to realise my feelings were dysphoria and seeing myself begin to age as a ‘woman’ I think was what tipped me over the edge because of how distressed I became

[@theshinythings123]

Something I'm seeing with detransition stories is body dysmorphia being mistaken for gender dysphoria.

[@SawyBoy]

It’s interesting I had the same experience but as trying to be a girl (I’m FTM). I knew exactly what was wrong for years and I tried my hardest to push it out of my mind and tried to will it out of existence. I always had this empty reasonless pain and transitioning opened me up entirely. I was suddenly able to process my emotions easier and I’m getting more and more comfortable with myself everyday. I hate that something so simple as your gender can lead to years of intense emotional and mental turmoil.

[@eth9315]

I feel similar in a way! It seems like a lot of detransitioners transition because they hate something about themselves, but I was the opposite. I hated myself and wanted others approval, so I stayed as a girl because I thought its what people wanted. Its interesting comparing my experiences with others.

[@RyanMeowz]

I love your videos, Elle. I have all the love and respect in the world for trans people, who suffer from body dysphoria. But I'm happy that if that was not truly you, that you got out of that life style. There are so many people, from all walks of life, who need to see success in self acceptance. YOU ARE ICONIC.

[@driplordvonskullmangler6106]

I am just absolutely taken aback by your energy, its captivating. And that smile, you've got ya boy swooning.

[@Cecilia-fc3sg]

You are a delightful young woman. Very educational and enlightening whether dealing with transgender issues or just life and emotions. I'm learning alot from you.

[@tammybuckley3691]

Hello again Elle. And again, thank you for sharing something so personal. I bet you are glad you kept a journal? In a way, that is what your videos will be for you now. Only with a ton more people reading it lol. I love how you came up with your name to be, she’s actually the person I first thought of when hearing your name 🥰 I love hearing that your family remained supportive with you through the entire journey, it doesn’t seem to be that way for most. Looking forward to the weekly uploads. See you soon. Enjoy the rest of your week. Take care, always 🤗💕👋

[@Izzy-gt5hi]

The detransition video on my channel is just me reading out my diary entry from the day I decided to desist. I filmed it the day after. It's weird to look back on now!

[@izzyfox7575]

You're an Izzy too??! I watched that video when you first uploaded it. I loved it. I remember thinking you were super brave and self aware, especially for someone so young.

[@Izzy-gt5hi]

@@izzyfox7575 I am! Thank you for that!

[@HectorTJHuang]

You are so funny and likable I love these videos so much! Hope everything in your life gets better and better!

[@asadx.veganx]

I'm on my second week on T and couldnt be happier. The first time I saw one of your videos I felt scared it could be me. Now that I've started seeing changes I know it was the right choice

[@alessiacollia4268]

Hey Ellie! I’m a recent subscriber and while I have no idea what you’re going through I just wanted to say your candour, vulnerability, and eloquence are inspiring. Keep at it, you seem like a beautiful person inside and out 💕

[@ally_margie]

"Okay then I start to get really emo" mood

[@sipnothx5868]

Allyson big fat mood

[@elliz6776]

I am really enjoying your videos and how you open up about your experience! Look forward to the next video

[@cassandrathompson7866]

I’m not sure why your channel came to my feed because honestly, but your story is fascinating to hear and I’m so glad you are now in a good spot mentally. Many blessing to you. And I will continue to see watch how you grow. Xoxox

[@SofiaMichelle97]

Your commentary is so funny! Good for you for being so positive. You are so much wiser after going through this experience, and I think you are going to help a lot of people. ❤️

[@loveiam7902]

I came across your video from a couple of months ago, not sure why i clicked on it but i watched, then another, then another. I believe I was led to you, to tell you that you are loved. im not sure if you really know just how special you really are. I would like to share with you these words to validate how strongly you are loved for being the person you are. If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me. Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee. For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother's womb. I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them. How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them! Psalms 139:14-17. You are precious in his sight.

[@deemah3602]

identifying as agender one day and realizing you're a woman the next day is such detrans mood

[@basil5980]

The video is absolutely amazing and sis you look great! I love the bangs! Also your eyes are so beautiful!

[@kristenkelley8285]

Saw your video on Facebook and wanted to give my support to you for sharing such a personal story. I'm sure there are many people feeling like you, and you are going to help so many people by sharing your story. Best of luck to you in your future ❤

[@esteehanvey5647]

I love this video. So genuine and amazing to watch someone go through something like this and be honest about the process. I want to be your friend!!!

[@machaenichols3482]

Elle I want to thank you for sharing such an intimate part of yourself your story with me! I think you are an amazing person and I am honored to be one of your Subscribers! ❤️

[@1nterfr4stic4lly]

This video has made me cry - thank you so much!

[@rebeccapenders5050]

I enjoyed listening to your evocative writing and wish you the very best 💜

[@ray-hope]

You being who you are is absolutely perfect

[@anaverageamount8693]

"Razors and sports bras"😂 my aesthetic, if it is one.

[@kristim8796]

Hey unrelated but I'd love to see a video about your tattoos if you're down 🤷‍♀️❤️

[@akamadmaxx]

I feel like it’s been forever since we saw a video (I know it’s only been a week). Hope everything is going good for you

[@Sunnydreamer1470]

This is so interesting and I’m really happy for you!

[@wolfinwool]

I just watched the one where you shared your old KZbin videos, and you clap in this one exactly the same way you did in your Ramen cooking tutorial. :)

[@marbsmooth100s]

i feel as if i might be met with some... unacceptance here, but i just wanted to reach out in case anyone feels the same. im detransitioning. i decided that a month ago. testosterone was never the right choice for me and i am filled with regret every time i think about how horrible of a decision it was to ever take it. but i dont feel.... like a woman. i never have. im not sure if i ever will. i was never a man either, though. i feel as if i am in a weird, horrible, hellish in-between. i feel what can only be described as... dysphoria about some of my biological female traits, but equal amounts of distress/dysphoria about the male traits i developed as a result of T. im stuck. my body just feels so wholly wrong entirely. nothing i do really helps. does it ever get better? ive been in hell for over a month now. i just want it to get better. i dont know who i am and it's terrifying.

[@JingIeFett]

Hi, you're absolutely making the right decision with detransitioning, despite what others may say. I hope things work out for the best for you, it will get better! Some food for thought (this is also for anyone else who might be reading)...what does it actually mean to "feel" like a woman? *How do you know what feeling like a woman feels like? If you felt like a woman right now, how would you know?* It's not necessarily your secondary sex characteristics...there are women who naturally develop beards. Are they not still women? There was a case in the Dominican Republic of 3 brothers who, through some genetic fluke, all developed full sized female breasts during puberty. Are they suddenly not men just because of that? There are many women who don't have any interest in traditionally female stuff like putting on makeup or wearing dresses. That's ok, in the past they'd be called tomboys. They're still women! The only thing that really determines if you're male or female is if you're biologically wired to impregnate someone or to get impregnated. That's it. Everything else is secondary. The main purpose for looking masculine or feminine is that it attracts the opposite sex. It's why us humans have secondary sex characteristics (breasts, hips, beard, muscles, etc). It's not complicated like everyone makes it out to be, it's actually very simple. It's not about feeling like anything. Women put on makeup, wear dresses, etc. not necessarily because it's "what women are supposed to do" or even necessarily because they want to (although many do). It's because men find it attractive and women want to find a good man. They're a tool to help you get what you want. Past generations of women realized that if they did those things, men reacted more to them. And it was so successful that it's sort of become the default and people have lost track of why it was done in the first place. Think of it like a guy putting on a suit for a job interview--he doesn't HAVE to do it. He wouldn't wear suits all the time, he might actually hate them. And just because he doesn't like suits doesn't mean he's a bad employee or whatever. But if he doesn't wear it, he's not likely to get the job is he. He's free to wear whatever he wants, the company is free to hire whoever it wants. My advice to you would be to not worry about whether you feel like a woman or a man. Instead realize that no matter how you feel, it's not about whether you feel like a woman, you *ARE* a woman. You don't feel like a man or woman, you feel like YOU. Don't worry about what you think society says you're supposed to do, focus on yourself. Also. Don't beat yourself up about past mistakes. What's done is done. Living in regret will only hold you back. Instead, learn from the mistakes and don't repeat, accept your present situation and if something is beyond your control then don't worry about it and instead focus on the things you can change. As long as you're doing the best you can with what you have, that's all anyone can ask for.

[@cpallas4411]

Hi. Have you thought about perhaps being nonbinary

[@sipnothx5868]

you are you. whatever either way. youre a soul with a journey. testosterone doesnt make you a Man. if thats what you feel you are then you are. we are so much more than our physical bodies. dont forget that. but i understand the attachment we have to them. its all we know, its how we interact and read people. we are animals, socialized by which reproductive system we are born with that turns into a caste system when we enter said society. it fuckin sucks. but i know you have love for yourself ❤️ its there and others love you. your souls journey just has this journey to make. i promise it will all work out. but you must not be afraid. you can do this.

[@hollis1996]

@benji, (gosh, I hope that actually tagged you. I've got no idea how this works.) I'm sorry you had to go through that. Being stuck in between sucks, and that's part of the reason I finally transitioned. It's gotta be way worse giving yourself all new dysphoria. I'm here with JingleFett: It's hard to define what feeling like a man or a woman is like. Who really wakes up and thinks "Wow, I am a man." I'm with Elle too in that the more I transition the less I feel like a man, but I don't think I really ever felt one way or the other. What's different is that I'm so much more comfortable with my body and social existence as a man. I hope you find a way to feel comfortable in your gender, however that ends up panning out. : )

[@lucidhandbag16]

Hey elle, I've heard different things from different detransitioners. I'm wondering if you still experience dysphoria in any form? sorry if this is personal, I'm just curious if it is something you still deal with. I find your videos inspiring and thank you for sharing your stories.

[@Mysterica90proplayer]

She didnt cut her breast so i guess she had not dysphoria

[@user-fh9jh9pi6y]

She has a whole video on this :)

[@dylancole1910]

Damn girl you should write a book😂 your adorable.

[@machaenichols3482]

I agree she is very adorable! ❤️

[@jenniferheller1453]

I agree she should write a story about everything that you know she's talking about right now just her experience in general turn it into a book:)

[@graver0bbery269]

20:58 oh my god, it would be such a great video if you actually went to your first therapist and told her she was right. think about all the women (who also want to transition) you could help that way

[@mrs.viscusie6491]

I love your honesty and your laugh

[@izzyfox7575]

This video is so great. 😆😆😆 I love the start where 'past you' was like "I'm going to crack up laughing about this."

[@patrickstar2027]

It is true that as a guy, turning off your feelings is kind of default coping mechanism. It takes a lot of time to change that.

[@jextra1313]

It takes a while for some people to get comfortable with their body as they go through puberty; it doesn't mean you're trans, even though that's a very pervasive mindset nowadays. The truth is, gender doesn't matter as much as health and relationships. Don't stress over it.

[@stevienicksisafreakinglege4413]

Wow, I didn't know Elle wasn't your birth name! Elle fits you well! 😇 Also that rhymes!😂😂😂

[@annfoster5503]

You are a beautiful person and your amazing attitude is inspiring.

[@soulfoodie1]

Thank you so much for sharing your story Elle

[@helidude3502]

You are very beautiful ! Love that smile as you laughed at the beginning of your journal.

[@leeloooooooooo]

thank you for making videos. its would be awesome to thank your therapist, they need to know they are right and good.

[@NikhileshSurve]

20:37 So I wasn't the only one to make that comment 😂 You should definitely meet her & ask what made her say that since it appears that therapists are now required to ho along with the idea that patients are of whatever gender they say they're & quickly help them transition.

[@brucehutton2089]

Hi Elle As you say you are you. It doesn't matter who other people think you are. I know I am intersex when I was young kids used to tease me a call me names but now I am a grown up woman and that's me and husband Bruce loves me for being Ashleigh, that's what really counts. But remember how horrible it was. Just be you. I luv your videos🙌🤗 Ashleigh 💖

[@patidarinstitute]

I wish all the best for this year 2020

[@oldfunsfrontporch5390]

I am mtf… I realize now I am just me. I don’t fit into boxes.

[@RemyRAD]

Elle, life is a devastating course of twists and turns. Take me for instance. (Though you are too young for me) I am essentially MTF. I was never told I wasn't XY.. And grew up with all of that testosterone. And what came with that. Serious fights and nasty shit heads. Oh wow. So much fun being a guy. Why me? But then. 35 years ago. I have the testosterone shut off. And those powerful but sometimes painful pair of dudes. I didn't need hanging around anymore. And here I am decades later. Going through some crap. Trying to lead into my client retirement at 65. Weeks from now. And I can't believe what I'm being put through and the stupid mindless egregious persecution I have met up with. Beyond anything I have experienced in over 35 years. Yeah and so, I'm so mad, as hell. I can't take it anymore. And I go see my GP MD for my quarterly blood tests. And I say Doc. You've got to check my testosterone level also. Something is wrong here. I know the bulk of the offenders are gone. Why am I bristling with such anger and hostility? I feel almost pushed over the edge. And I'm just and have been a poor old lady. And I'm like, what the FUCK is going on here??!! My doctor told me my testosterone was more than hardly negligible. Less than an average woman. And so was the estrogen. I had run out months earlier. Right at the beginning of the pandemic panic. And so it's both things. Nature and nurture. And so being raised from the get go I'm going through the awful, male puberty. I had to endure. Nothing really has changed. With what makes me who. An old advertising campaign went, (because that's also my professional background) You can take Salem, out of the country. But you can't take the country. Out of Salem. It's so true. So lookee here girl! You are going to be attracted to. Who you are attracted to. Who you will pursue. Some you will win. Some you will lose. You're just getting started. And you've kind of, I think, vastly, excuse my terminology, broadened your horizons. You can be that cool fun, gorgeous lookin', fun to hang with. Intellectually oriented, attractively intelligent woman. Who has this absolutely wonderful awesome voice. And I just love listening to her voice. And to me it seems to mean something perhaps yet even more important. You look like a gorgeous woman. Because you are a gorgeous intelligent woman. Who is very well read, quite outspoken. And when she is being outspoken. No man. Will be able to match, you're very masculine, voice of women! Like watch out boys. You don't know who you're playing with here. And I'm a woman. Who not only knows how to sound like a gentleman. I know how to act like a gentleman. As a woman. And coming from you with your voice. And you work on your voice like a public speaker, lecturer, standup comic, politician, military authority and pitch man. I think people will stand up and take note. So like I said. You crossed over. You understand. Now the boys also need to understand. That women like you can be in charge. You can tell by the tone of their voice. That she is not fucking around. By just fucking around. That's just the fun you have with people you deeply like. Some you stay with for a long time. Sometimes you might even collect baby children. Because all of the nightclubs, bars and bands aren't going to be playing for a couple of years. So? What the hell else are we all going to do? I'm going to mix rock 'n' roll recordings long distance. And if a mix doesn't come out well for the client. I can tell him it was that week and I was cramping. (I mean a girl can fake it) And I'll be happy to mix it again. And then the client is happy. And then I'm happy. And I have enough money to buy new batteries for my vibrators. Notice that is plural. Thank God I have 2 that plug into the wall outlet. I mean batteries die at the worst time. As so you're already doing that here,, Elle. And you're just getting warmed up. This is a process. And of course at your age as I did. We all want to jump off running. Sometimes we run into the right places. Sometimes we don't. I got lucky. I got a voice like yours at 15. My husband and get his until he was 40. And it was never quite as deep as yours. But still quite lovely. Lovely enough to be on the radio. And so we worked on a radio show together. On the AM radio dial. You know the old-fashioned way people used to get it on...... The air. And dear, Elle. You take it down. To a much more beautiful level. And your natural beauty just shines through. The aging old RemyRAD PS just start practicing by reading some Edgar Allan Poe stories into your computer. Then auditioned for some Audible talking books. If you like the story. Take your payment as a percentage of the sales. If you don't like the story. Take it as a flat fee. And give your performance accordingly. Create a stage name for your character. You know Tony Curtis was Bernie Schwartz and Marilyn Munro was Norma Jean Baker. You're in SHOWBIZ NOW honey. Take it all and run with a girl. Life is short. Make your living with your voice. You don't have to do anything but move your lips and tongue. You have to breathe a little bit more. Fill your breasts. I mean your chest. Both. Breathe deeply. And A1 and A2 and A3. Very good. There you go now. That's right pitch it down DEEP and go, ME ME ME-ME ME ME-ME ME ME. Until you feel the need to wear a brassiere. Because your chest is resonating so much. And remember to elongate the vowels. Check back in with me in the morning.

[@danyescandalo]

I wish more confused teens would watch your videos. They would be able to see the big picture and take it slow.

[@xepulvedaaldo677]

Have you thought about that most of your problems are because of your status or station in your social circle, or a lack of it. Do you think that having a higher social status will give you more control on your life? On others?

[@abbyperez2858]

Ludorum hey, what do you mean by this? I’m interested in what you saying

[@xepulvedaaldo677]

@@abbyperez2858 When we are kids we don have a broader knowleadge of the size of the world. Our world as kids, its the size of a pea but it feels like a watermelon, theis just so few people that we can compare our selfs (who is the smartest, the prettiest, etc.) that theres so much pressure to be known or to be the most popular, that you can be convinced that doing something to your body will make that happen (tattos, persings, implants, botox, rhinoplasty, etc.) Hormone therapy is nothing new, middle school males taking steroid and testosterone shots for bodybuilding. Middle school females taking estrogen to develop earlier curves. Elle told the story about how she bugged the hell out of her parents to have the testosterone shots because she felt that she was a boy, when the fact is that she just needs attention and a good friend to talk to.

[@jamesclifton4275]

That hair flip tho

[@ridemywheelie]

Isn't this a case of the Grass being Greener? Honest question. No disrespect meant.

[@kaidgardner2922]

sounds like it must have been so confusing.power to you.

[@katherinegallagher9081]

There is so much to Gender and what that means for each person. And why shouldn't it be up to each individual ( it's their body and their life). Do you just go by the physical ( which are named constructs to categorize something in an easy way) but non biology? What is Gender, what makes male or female? Or Other? And also masculine or feminine type? WHAT TYPE of Gender are You? And who gets to judge?

[@patidarinstitute]

some one is cute !! ... waves to you and saying " hello"

[@raphaelleyokota4755]

You are being so harsh with your past self. I hope you can find solace toward that version of yourself some time. I guess it's the same for all of us when we have regrets on a life-changing level but really, can one move forward without forgiving one's past self ?

[@carolnichols2692]

You are really quite interesting, and therefore appealing. Sometimes you have a tendency to overthink. I do like that you have learned,, that if you keep a journal, you can console your old self when you read it later. Listen. I am and have always been female. I have an unusually deep voice. I am almost always called sir on the phone. There is nothing to be done about it, though on occasion I will make the person on the other line uncomfortable. Sometimes I dont correct them at all. It is simply the way my life is. It has absolutely nothing to do with who I am. And your voice sounds like mine for a different reason. Oh well. Anyhow it saddens me that you are at times so dissatisfied with yourself, when all of your viewers have accepted and love you just as you are. Keep that chin up!

[@calich33sehead]

I relate with so much of what you described in this video. I just wish I hadn’t had surgery, cause now I have to take testosterone and I have to get it reversed because I actually want a penis now.

[@axewieldingmilena]

You have a beautiful voice, and I am a lesbian. Don't worry about your voice 😊You're a woman to me 😊

[@theawesomeseally8839]

And of course I'm going to follow u on Instagram 😉👍

[@ray-hope]

You are the cutest person ever ❤️

[@jasperitalia6750]

❤️

[@romanprofik]

diary was interesting, but last few minutes were best, little notice, when you read, your voice sounds IMHO more feminine

[@theawesomeseally8839]

I just subscribed to your channel, and please make another video asap, 🙂👍

[@julianbruskowski8174]

Are you comfortable of telling us your birth name?

[@noonereally4798]

Unrelated, but I think in general as a person you should try to not be so impulsive.

[@theawesomeseally8839]

Really really sweet girl 🌹 and sweet soul 🙂☺️

[@geoffreyhughes1]

Standard Emo stuff I'm afraid. The sad truth is you are normal

[@mzhm4529]

I think your voice is changing you are sounding more like a girl . please don't take this wrong i mean it as a good thing .

[@reedgolden5248]

mz hm still sounds like a guy

[@Isaura21s]

So when you were born, your name wasn't Elle?

[@matthewmutz9337]

Embrace your CIS,, SIS, Elle you have GREAT HANDS too

[@trishsoha]

Yes, great hands. Also, beautiful eye-shape. I'm autistic, and the details draw me in. After however many videos, my brain thinks this is how a girl sounds, because facts.

[@matthewmutz9337]

Vote for Elles language class on twitter {vote Russian} haha MJ Mutz

[@Jaredsonh]

You're so cute, I love you. 😊

[@1x93cm]

you got some crazy juevos lady...

[@EllaStone]

huevos*

[@1x93cm]

@@EllaStone how could this happen to meeee I made a mistaaaake

[@ItsBellum]

So are you attracted to guys or gals?

[@sandrawest6772]

It doesn’t matter who she’s attracted to, it’s none of our business.

[@writebook3050]

First

[@carljacobson7156]

You're such an attractive young lady - that's what's so confusing to me: that you felt the need to change yourself to such a radical degree.

[@jaysmith5175]

elle youre a little cutie pie are u single? :)

[@maryjinstan3727]

Are you a guy?

[@malphusmclerius9455]

I really want to say this in the kindest way possible, but it really seems like you’re milking this for attention.

[@ellepalmer]

lol wtf zead? you've been watching me for years and I never got any views on my channel. now that I'm getting views, don't you think I'm going to keep making videos on what people are actually watching? it's been a way for me to process my feelings about the situation, educate people who don't know anything about it, help people going through the same thing, as well as build an audience on my channel. it's been a win-win-win-win all around. if that's what you consider milking for attention, then yeah I guess I am.

[@malphusmclerius9455]

elle palmer I mean.. yes that’s exactly what milking is. If you want to continue making videos on that format then go ahead, i’m not saying you can’t do that.

[@merymery2624]

@@malphusmclerius9455 are you stupid? She just want to educate people

[@malphusmclerius9455]

Mery Mery lol