Family Enmeshment: Codependency, Self-Abandonment + Bad Boundaries - Terri Cole

[@terri_cole]

Let me know below: are any of these signs familiar to you? Do you think your family is enmeshed? Have you been able to untangle yourself from the enmeshment? Don't forget to grab the guide for downloaded boundary and guilt blueprints to understand how you relate to each in the context of your family of origin: www.terricole.com/family-enmeshment-guide

[@CarrieLovesLife.]

I married into this, it looked like a strong, healthy family from the outside. Only after we were married and living together did I realize the “toxic” side of it… his family, especially his mother, came before our partnership. I took myself out of that situation, and am just recently divorced. This information clarifies many things about his family dynamic, which is helpful to my own understanding of the relationship. Thank you.

[@terri_cole]

I'm so glad it was helpful, Carrie 💕 Sending you love as you navigate this next chapter.

[@REBEKAHJOHNSON-lh6xh]

The not knowing myself was a HUGE one for me. At 34, I feel like I’m finally just coming into myself as I’ve been a year and a half of no contact. I definitely struggle with conflict as well. I think the peace keeping self sacrifice is definitely me. And I don’t know if it’s a good thing or bad thing. I have always been a giving person, but I know I need boundaries with that. I think my parents also both were over sharers.

[@rachelsmith3300]

oh wow, are you me? just kidding but wow. i am still living with my parents and i’m your age. i’m working on getting my independence while mentally separating myself as a whole person. i’m realizing that it is all a process and sometimes a super long one, which isn’t easy but i know it’s worth it! best of luck to you and i’m happy that you are coming into yourself now!!

[@M-xlz3]

Same here. To both of you. I’m also the same age, and I feel like most of what you both said resonates with me! Although to the OP’s point about both parents being overshares, that’s not my parents. I’ve always wondered if my physical disability plays any part in any of this? My dad specifically is a helicopter parent in many ways. I grew up thinking our family never had any problems, too. And I’m also craving for my independence!! Rachel, if you don’t mind me asking, how do you handle living with your parents but still maintaining your space? Meaning, I cannot tell you how many times, especially since I’ve reached my 30s, where I’ll say to myself, I need to move out and get my own place. (I know ultimately I need to set stronger boundaries.

[@rachelsmith3300]

@@M-xlz3i can’t say i have it all perfectly figured out, but i am improving every day. i’d say the main thing is to start small. don’t feel like you have to figure it out all at once! small, consistent steps will ultimately lead you to where you want to be. set some boundaries and stick to them, knowing that you are worth it and that you are your person. you’re an adult and you’ve got this! easier said than done of course, but the more you take those small steps, the stronger you will become. sometimes i pretend that i’m someone else and i think about what i’d say to someone else if they had the same issues i’m working through. i’d definitely be a lot kinder to them than i am to myself, which helps me realize that i am indeed worthy of the same care and independence that everyone else is! as far as the job goes, maybe start with something part time? Goodwill is one place that can help folks - disabled and abled - find the careers that will be most fulfilling for them. you can also set small goals for yourself that have nothing to do with work, and you’ll likely realize that meeting those goals is super fulfilling even if it takes some time to get there. all of this will help, slowly but surely. be patient with yourself and know that you are doing great! and when you don’t reach a goal, that’s ok. give yourself grace and try again. you’ve got this!

[@rachelsmith3300]

@@M-xlz3also be as intentional as you can about the time you do spend with your parents. that way you’re having time with them but also making time for yourself. also i don’t know if you have a job or not, or if, like me, you’re looking for more work. sorry if i assumed anything - i’m just looking for another job and thinking from that perspective, but take that with a grain of salt!

[@M-xlz3]

@@rachelsmith3300 Thank you for taking the time to respond, Rachel. I appreciate it. And thank you for your advice. It feels amazing to know-it’s extremely comforting, in fact-I’m not alone in feeling the way I do about still living at home at our age. And with regard to my job situation, I do have a job. That said, I know what you’re going through because prior to the pandemic I was looking for work, and it was extremely stressful and disheartening not finding anything. On top of that, I couldn’t just work anywhere because I had to consider my physical limitations. I actually ended up helping my dad with his business, so it eventually worked out for me. I feel your stress with this. Finding a job becomes a job in itself. Can I offer you my best advice on this? Also, if you ever feel like you need or want to just talk to someone about all this, definitely write back. I’ll be happy to listen if you need / want me to.

[@Pinktan800]

I agree codependency leads to burnout at work due to lack of boundaries

[@terri_cole]

I've seen it happen sooo many times with my therapy clients!

[@elisec9095]

OMG, thank you Terri, yes, not allowed to have your own thoughts. Basically being emotionally unsafe!

[@eccentrictomato]

"We don't have the space to be fully experiencing our own lives because we're so hypervigilant..." this really clicked some things into place for me. Thank you so much for this episode. It was so helpful for pointing me towards the work I need to do with my inner boundaries.

[@terri_cole]

I'm so glad it was helpful- thank you for sharing that takeaway ❤️❤️

[@rachelsmith3300]

Terri, this is just what I need today! I am trying to cut the unhealthy cords of codependency and it’s difficult. Thank you for this video and for everything you put out here for us! Definitely want to buy your book. This is quite timely.

[@terri_cole]

I'm so glad it resonated, Rachel ❤️ It is difficult, but so worth it!

[@smalltowncharm]

Thank you, Terri. The guilt is the thing that's made me feel crazy. My family will gaslight me, and when I try to say, "No, you've got that wrong", they continue with their narrative of defining me. I am retired but before "moving back" - I remember working 40 hours a week and being texted or called to "come up to the house" (on my one day off), and clean their house. Dishes would be piled sky high. Dirt so bad on the floor it looked like a barn! Disgusting. Now that I have moved back - it's all I do. It's expected. I clean up after my cousin's 38 year old slob son every day while he contributes nothing. I'm told how much I cost them everyday - even though I give them grocery money. It's made me feel really bad about myself. I'm just trying to stay strong, and sober. I'm hoping I can find somewhere else to live. I'm trying to reclaim my self-esteem, and autonomy.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with so much compassion and sending strength ❤️

[@fabianafran927]

I think there is an enmeshment with my family and I am working on my individuation, I believe the most important thing as you said is to question the guilt and change these core beliefs. I am already succeding in saying "no" to people in general and also in setting boundaries. Amazing video! 👏

[@terri_cole]

Woohoo way to go, Fabiana! ❤️

[@KatieMcCarthy-r4x]

This video hit home for me. I did not know I was in an enmeshed family until I started therapy. I knew something was wrong when I finally moved out at 30 (too late) and became more independent and met my now spouse. My family completely rejected him and made me feel awful for choosing to spend more time with him than them. My husband and I have now been married for 2+ years and the issues we went thru with my family have had a major impact on our marriage. Enmeshment is a big deal. Thank you for discussing this!

[@terri_cole]

I am so sorry to hear your family was rejecting of your husband. That must have been so difficult. Thank you for sharing ❤️

[@RobynS-b7u]

This video is extremely helpful. Thanks so much, Terri. ❤ Definitely grew up in an enmeshed family that catered so much to my older sister who is now so codependent she has to ask our parents’ opinions or my opinion on everything before making a decision. It’s draining. Luckily, I’ve managed to cultivate a sense of self outside of my family of origin. My parents respect that at 46 years old I can handle myself. My 49-year-old sister hates that I have my own life and often expresses it to me. At times I feel guilty but then I think, for what?! For living my own life? That’s bonkers! Sibling stuff is more challenging for me than parent stuff. It’s hard to set boundaries with her, and often emotionally painful due to her nasty comments, but I’m getting better at it the more I set the limit with her. She’ll never change so I do what I can to protect my peace.

[@terri_cole]

Thank you so much for sharing ❤️ Yes, you are so right that you have nothing to feel guilty about! Good for you for establishing a sense of self outside of your family of origin and for setting boundaries with her. That takes a lot of strength and courage.

[@fieldsofblueheather]

I needed this video today, thank you! So grateful for your content.

[@terri_cole]

You're so welcome, thanks for watching ❤️

[@williamkahlert3611]

This is an important topic for me. I didn't know how serious this is for my life! I've passed up so many opportunities for starting my own life! They kill me on the inside! also I did not know that low confidence and self esteem can come from close family enmeshment. I don't know who I am! I know the dynamics that are put in me like a DNA are there and affecting my own relationships, but how to change that. Thanks for this awareness.

[@terri_cole]

You are so welcome ❤️ Thank you for sharing.

[@mistrock322]

I so needed this content!! Some of the signs def resonate with me. I def hold guilt for not always attending birthdays and holidays with my family. They live 3 hours away from me and even though that isn't far, sometimes, I just wish that I didn't feel that guilt of not wanting to go. I have started setting boundaries in the last year but it is still a struggle. I also feel that when my parents pass away, I will feel terrible for not being there to see them at every opportunity. I want to make sure that I see them as much as I can while they are living but at the same time, I feel that I don't always live my life for what I truly want. Finding a balance is really difficult.

[@terri_cole]

I see you so much ❤️ I experience the same thoughts with my mother. She's 87 and healthy, but I'm well aware that she won't always be here. I recently had a conversation with grief expert David Kessler (coming out in a few weeks!) and we touched on anticipatory grief. He said "don't attend the funeral early," which really struck me. He advised me to let myself off the hook if, every once in a while, I'm too tired to drive to see her (she's about an hour away). But it is difficult to not feel bad about it! I don't know that I have any answers, but in case you're not, you could always set up a routine call where you connect with your parents instead of driving to see them. ❤️

[@mistrock322]

@@terri_cole I really appreciate your input and it's nice to know that I am not alone with feeling this way!

[@Summer_Harvest]

Their situation changes up just to keep you in their box.

[@seaglasscolor]

Hi Terri, new subscriber here. I would like to add, to what you said here, that I am seeing adult siblings looking to their adult siblings for help of various kinds, not just for a modest amount of support. I see unreasonable expectations/demands being made by these adult siblings, as if they are using their siblings as resources. This strikes me as odd and unhealthy. It can be difficult for one sibling to break rank and say no, if the family culture exerts pressure to go along and say yes.

[@terri_cole]

It absolutely can be difficult to be the first one to say no and set boundaries ❤️ But I find that it's worth it. (I've had my fair share of this with my own sisters.)

[@jeanag3279]

This was excellent. Thank you!!!

[@terri_cole]

You're welcome, glad it was helpful ❤️

[@taliajournee212]

Hi Terri, great video and well timed. This is my family, I am now in my late 30s and have been working through this for the last eight years or so. I always felt something was off with the family structure, my mom was hypervigilant while dad was a narcissist and cheater. I noticed she always has to give her opinion, direction and ideas over even the smallest decisions. She views this as love and I've explained to her no - it's you being controlling. My older brother acted as a flying monkey for my mother, both trying to control my thoughts and decisions, I've passed up opportunities due to gaslighting and shaded insults which I know now were meant to keep me small and in the home. I am in my late 30s and living at home, around ten years ago I stopped sharing any personal information with the family and they literally know nothing about me. I never sought their advice but had to live my life secretly, even though I was going through the same rite of passages as any other normal girl. I had to teach myself about sexuality, dating, men, friendship, boundaries...all of it on my own, even though my parents are alive and well. Now that my parents are aging, my older siblings want nothing to do with looking after them and think it's fine for me to all the caretaking by myself. It's very disgraceful to have children and treat them this way, I will be working through these issues for the rest of my life but I see the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you for covering this topic, it needs to be discussed more.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with so much compassion and sending you love and strength as you navigate your parents aging and the changing dynamics there ❤️❤️

[@solomonelijah]

i am watching all your videos. i really look up to and enjoy you and hope to be like you when i grow older. you have aged very gracefully, graciously, and beautifully.

[@terri_cole]

❤️❤️❤️

[@Scorpiobird1107]

Terri I am having such a hard time setting boundaries with parents and not being consumed by anger about being the scapegoat all these decades.

[@terri_cole]

I am holding space for your anger 💕 It makes sense you'd feel that way. Honor those feelings. Journal about them. Write a letter (that you don't send) to your parents explaining how you feel. Validate yourself and your experiences in that letter. Then safely burn it, or cut it up into pieces, for a bit of a release. See if that helps move anything through. If not, you can also state your boundaries to your parents in writing via email or text if needed. Or you can practice saying them out loud, in the mirror, with a trusted pal- sometimes, we need to do that first to discharge all the emotion that comes with speaking up for ourselves.

[@sponkmcdonk3898]

Collectivist cultures (Asian, Indian, Middle Eastern) are notorious with this. How does the Western concept of Enmeshment and Codependency reconcile with this cultural context?

[@terri_cole]

Just to reiterate my reply to @cereal_qilla, who asked a similar Q: This is an important question, but a bit tough to answer in a blanket statement since different cultural norms are, of course, very different and nuanced. There can certainly be crossovers between enmeshment and cultural norms, where enmeshment can be encouraged, but it’s also important to understand the context. Oftentimes, family systems become enmeshed as a way to try to protect the family, and this can be especially true for families that are minorities and/or immigrants who experience prejudice, historical trauma, and/or generational trauma. It’s important for anyone in these family systems to do the work of unpacking the dynamics at play and understanding what does and does not work for them. There can be ways to acknowledge and respect cultural norms while changing the dynamics that don’t work for you and establishing boundaries that help break free of enmeshment without judgment. 💕

[@12atp]

thankyou for asking this! It's an important question. I'm currently dating a man with Indian parents and I'm wondering if the relationship is going to be compatible with my Aussie heritage.

[@la6136]

@@12atpI am south Asian and I can tell you dealing with families from this culture can be a nightmare. They highly normalize narcissism. Make sure that he knows how to have strong boundaries and say no to his family especially his mother. Otherwise it is not going to work.

[@12atp]

@@la6136 thankyou I appreciate your advice. I'm finding out more and more while the relationship is quite new and I'm worried at the moment, although he seems to have sincere intentions. He has an older brother who has gone no contact with the parents for reasons I don't yet know. The younger brother (the man I am dating), has cut contact with the older brother in solidarity with his parents. It's hard for me to identify if he is also a narcissist as it's so early. His black and white view of "duty" in what is probably a complex situation is worrying though. He has plans to support his parent or parents and have them live with us when they are elderly which seems very unhealthy from my Western upbringing. I don't see how or why this would be necessary given they are quite wealthy, already retired and they travel overseas often for leisure. I feel this would be deeply destructive to a future relationship. He is 38 and he recently asked their permission to buy a new car, with his own money. He also seems to think his dad should design the interior of the house he is building for us to live in- when I'm his "partner" and an interior designer. I told him I'm not comfortable having his elderly parent live with us in the future. He said then he would pay their rent but not have them live with us. He says he owes it to them for raising him. So yes, it all seems deeply enmeshed and narcissistic. I'm not sure how to approach all of this but I will be looking at how he negotiates boundaries and how he responds to my challenge of a different view of healthy family dynamics. It's harder to let go when you have romantic feelings, and you have hopes for a happy future. I think even if he can set boundaries, the parents are going to be toxic and some of his own values are going to be pretty challenging for me.

[@Smm366]

@@la6136Thankyou. He has an older brother who has gone low contact with the parents about 7 years ago. In return, the guy I am seeing has gone low contact with his brother because of the perceived betrayal to the family. It’s worrying with the limited info I have so far. He seems to be quite empathic so it’s hard to identify if he is actually a narcissist. Definitely enmeshed though. He is 38 and just asked his parent’s approval to buy a new car (with his own money). He has assured me our relationship would be private and not open to interference from his parents but I’d have to see this in practice to believe it.

[@Miracle-user24]

Thank you for such a helpful and informative video 🙏🌹

[@terri_cole]

❤️❤️❤️

[@thespuditron9387]

I temporarily live at my parent’s house for the moment while I’m buying my own house, but when I didn’t live here, I would get phone calls every week from my mother wanting me to come over for dinner or meet up for lunch or whatever. Sometimes I would go, but if I didn’t go, or didn’t answer the phone, I’d be made out as the bad guy.

[@terri_cole]

That is so hard to navigate ❤️

[@rebeccajones8628]

I felt this with my ex bf's family. His mom was too close to him and meddled every chance she got. I put on parties for her and her payment was cooking a curry, inviting all her friends, making said lunch when I was working so I could not attend ( Tuesday), but invited a single girl who had a crush on my ex bf. Soon after I dumped them all. (My ex bf, his mom + dad).

[@terri_cole]

So sorry you had to deal with that ❤️

[@rebeccajones8628]

@@terri_cole Thank you Terri. Lesson learned.

[@helenamarhounova1120]

Thank you

[@terri_cole]

You're welcome Helena!

[@ligaverhoeven2091]

Really helpful

[@terri_cole]

So glad to hear it was helpful ❤️

[@lindakaiser9042]

Thnku

[@terri_cole]

❤️

[@ValentinBrutusBura]

Health System is biased and mostly corporate. So is the prison system.

[@sizzling_rozes]

What’s the difference between enmeshed family systems and different cultural norms?

[@terri_cole]

This is an important question but a bit tough to answer in a blanket statement since different cultural norms are, of course, very different and nuanced. There can certainly be crossovers between enmeshment and cultural norms, where enmeshment can be encouraged, but it’s also important to understand the context. Oftentimes, family systems become enmeshed as a way to try to protect the family, and this can be especially true for families that are minorities and/or immigrants who experience prejudice, historical trauma, and/or generational trauma. It’s important for anyone in these family systems to do the work of unpacking the dynamics at play and understanding what does and does not work for them. There can be ways to acknowledge and respect cultural norms while changing the dynamics that don’t work for you and establishing boundaries that help break free of enmeshment without judgment. 💕

[@la6136]

The cultures that normalize enmeshment are toxic. They just use the excuse of culture and religion to make it seem normal. There is no difference.

[@Laura-c1c3v]

I am terrified near my mom

[@terri_cole]

I'm so sorry to hear that ❤️

[@Laura-c1c3v]

@terri_cole She changes so rapidly, and I feel bad for being afraid

[@terri_cole]

You are well within your right to be afraid- emotional inconsistency in a parent is really damaging and painful 💕

[@ValentinBrutusBura]

Let me state this as brief as I can... My abs-fav grocery shop is having a stock-take and so they're giving up biscuits and gravy half price... Cool, no? No!

[@honeymoonavenue97]

11:26 me