15 Things You MUST Know about Co-Parenting with a Narcissist... and not lose your mind

Co-parenting with a Hijackal can be sad, nasty, infuriating, and definitely frustrating. In this episode I'll go over 15 important keys you need to know - really really know - to coparent without losing your mind.
HIGHLIGHTS OF THIS EPISODE:
- 5 Ideals of Co-parenting
- 10 Realities of Co-parenting with a narcissistic #Hijackal
- How to keep your head above water while saving your sanity when co-parenting
- Why and How to be the most sane parent in the narcissist mix
You've divorced a #narcissist, a #Hijackal®. That was difficult, no doubt.
Now, you're settling in--or trying to settle in--to some kind of reasonable co-parenting model. That's tough, too.
I know, I've done it.
It's not easy to co-parent with a #narcissist.
It's not what you expected to have to do.
You're still resentful about the relationship, and devastated by the divorce.
BIG RULE: Never make your children feel like pawns, messengers, or casualties of your divorce.
Yes, that's tough, too, but it is SO important.
In a perfect world, after divorce, your children would only know that life is more peaceful with two homes, and that they miss the parent they are not with. That's it. That's how it should go.
When you have divorced a narcissist, that's not the way it goes, right?
I promised in the episode to give you the five positive affirmations to keep in mind, here they are, in writing. I recommend copying them and printing them out for yourself.
- I am the model I want my children to follow. Therefore, everything I do and say demonstrates who I want my children to strive towards becoming.
- I communicate with my ex in the way I wish for him/her to communicate with me. I choose collaboration and conversation, over conflict and acrimony.
- I focus on my children and what keeps them healthy--physically, mentally, and emotionally. That includes doing what is in their best interests first.
- I turn my attention from what I don't like about my ex to what s/he does well for the children. It's about the kid, not what my personal issues are with my ex.
- I allow my children to enjoy their childhood and ensure they're only concerned with age-appropriate thoughts, feelings, and actions. I protect them from being pawns, messengers, and casualties of my divorce.
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* * Always remember, narcissists and other toxic people come in all genders and ages * *
and toxic relationships can be at home, at work, at play... from your parent, boss, spouse, sibling, friend, co-worker.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am Dr. Rhoberta Shaler, The Relationship Help Doctor.
I offer relationship advice for dealing with difficult issues and relentlessly difficult people.
I focus on helping my clients to stop tolerating abuse, and give them strategies for changing relationship dynamics.
Are you in relationship with a Hijackal®? Someone who consistently behaves in ways that undermine you, put you down, make you crazy? I can help you understand that behavior and how to keep yourself safe and sane.
I work with individuals, couples, families and workplaces, worldwide, through private, secure video conferencing.
Schedule an initial 1-hour consultation HERE for only $97.
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#Hijackals #toxicpeople #narcissists #borderlines #antisocial #difficultpeople #emotionalabuse #verbalabuse #stoptoleratingabuse #toxicrelationships #manipulation #walkingoneggshells #mentalhealth #emotionalhealth #abuse #narcissisticabuse #boundaries #personalitydisorder #difficultpeople #stopenabling #difficultpeople #enablingabuse
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[@bsherut]

These are AMAZING recommendations! So practical and to the point. 'Be the model for what you want to be for your children!' Thanks so much, Dr. Shaler.

[@ForRelationshipHelp]

You're so welcome!

[@seasonalliving2881]

Sometimes it seems like the blanket statement of “don’t say anything negative about the other parent” is very invalidating and dare I say gaslighting to the child’s experience. My child witnessed her dad walk out the front door and move in with his girlfriend. How are they supposed to interpret this? It’s not ok. As a Christian family, we have to address “thou shalt not commit adultery.” How do you do this without sounding negative?

[@lizedupreez5620]

It's the way you phrase it. Wait for the right moment and then say, well, a lot of people do same, but that doesn't make it the right thing to do. Also flip situations, I do that... Do YOU think if someone did this to you, or X or Z... What would you think, good? Bad, would you like it if someone lies about you... Etc, and my boys are only 8y old and this been 6....years plus

[@EscapingTheMadness]

This audio is so beneficial for anyone who is going through this!! your actions are the only thing you can change and understand they are not interested in Their child/children!!

[@ForRelationshipHelp]

I'm glad you found it helpful. The thing is that narcissistic people aren't really interested in who their children are. They're only interested in what their children can do for them. They actually have uses for their children to boost their own power, control, and validation. Sad.

[@AM-uy4sb]

Thank you for doing these, Dr. Shaler. Going through this now and this one really means a lot and I am so grateful for your time! I purchased your Kaizen for Couples book. SO great! Wish I had had it years ago. I really lost myself in this marriage. It will help me in all my relationships going forward though. You're a beautiful soul.

[@mtheorymkali5770]

Dr Shaler, your message is powerful and uplifting! Thank you so much! 🙏

[@jhanedoe8346]

It's emotionally draining for the adult imagine how the children feels 💔😪🙏🏽✊🏽💜🦋

[@ForRelationshipHelp]

The children are SO caught! They have half of each parent's DNA and they want to please both, in most cases. They have developing brains and little world experience to make any sense of it. So sad.

[@lanashowler5906]

Anyone in a narc relationship MUST leave eapeciallly if you have kids together... Staying only distroys kids even more... My 3 have ptsd. And will need therapy for yrs to come now.. But. In time they will be okay. Their father walked away and cut off all contact and has nothing to do with them... Not evwryone should be a parent... Does anyone know if i can go for full custody of kids due to him cutting them off. And zero communication.. 5 mths and counting. . ( surely that would wipe his % of parental rights.... . and now hes moved 5 hours away and didnt even notify me even though he was court ordered. To do so... He wont even reply to my messages regards kids. So surely. Judge would cease his parental rights.... Thabks for any replies regards my concerns.

[@lanashowler5906]

I left their dad due to my oldest saying he would end his life if dad didnt leave us for good.... We have split and it was the best thing for all... Hes now given up 100% access and communication with us all which is fine. Ill be going for full custody soon and he eill be charged with multiple serious offences . he will likely do time and rightfully so.....

[@dmaryqueen7153]

At first i do not now what is a Narcissist,after watching this,it suddenly sink to me,that i am with a Narcissist.I do not know why suddenly i do not want to talk to him for months,because he left us because he said he wants to do businesss but not making money out of it,i knew and feel he is trying to avoid me,and my two kids not to give child support .So many instances that he try to leave us because he said he cant supoort us,take note he is still young.After realizing i am dealing with a Narcicisst,like even if it is his fault at the end he will make you feel it is your fault ,and that he is so pitty.

[@taazzmaann]

This was powerful thank you

[@ForRelationshipHelp]

You're so welcome!

[@brooke5395]

My kids have seen and heard it all. They saw him crazy, breaking stuff. They know he goes extra on everything and double on me. And they've seen me on high alert trying to make everything at home "perfect" so his rage of the day wouldn't continue into the night. They've seen me asking out loud for days after what I can I do better?? He mercifully moved out almost 2 months ago. The kids and I were exhausted. I don't say "mean things" about him. They can see it on me when he's been texting about how I "don't care about the kids/or our family/our home" for sometimes 10 hours straight. I look like I've been bled out. And I have no problem with saying he is a turd and drives me crazy and I'm just not doing it anymore. They can relate. My daughter, especially. My youngest is so sensitive to disappointing him - he's a basket case sometimes. But both of my boys see him nearly every day. He's 2 doors down. He waaaaaaaay invalidates - EVERYONE. But I tell them how much he loves them. That he is hurting too. He is their dad. He's a good dad. Love on your dad. Have you talked to your dad? Why don't you see what your dad's doing? I build him up to them a LOT. I use them as messengers. Tell your dad if he wants dinner before you guys go, I'll make him a plate.

[@angiewood842]

Awesome!

[@ForRelationshipHelp]

I'm glad you found it so.

[@sampson1582]

I wish you had a book on this exact topic that I could buy. even if it were a fairly short one.

[@jhanedoe8346]

You mean "Counter Parenting" a Narcissist doesn't know how to coparent 🙏🏽✊🏽💜🦋

[@ForRelationshipHelp]

It can certainly feel like that. You're right!

[@AM-uy4sb]

Dr. Romani touches on that in this video. Thank goodness for people like her and Dr. Shaler. I'd be lost. kzbin.info/www/bejne/d3mvkHRmoNSXors

[@FaithfulandTrue949]

Great info thank you. What do you tell kids when contact was stopped solely due to the unhealthy parent directly putting 1 child at risk (final straw after questionable behaviour)? They have to stay off social media group pics at school etc for our safety, yet court have accused alienation due to me telling THEM about all abuse when asked whilst the kids were present, hence they parroted it when asked. Little did I know alienation was what he was doing before contact stopped! How do I say we need to "stay away from the fire because its dangerous" without being accused of alienation...? Thanks again

[@ForRelationshipHelp]

You're welcome! It's such a razor's edge to walk when children are involved! Children need first to be told in age appropriate ways. Little children under 6 years old or so process information differently than older kids and teens due to stages of brain development. All kids need to know that not being able to interact with Dad was not their fault in any way. It's nothing that they've done. Even though that may seem obvious, to young kids it's the first thing they go to to make sense of it. Older kids need to know they haven't been rejected or abandoned because of who they are." This is primary, in my opinion. Always empathize with the children's feelings and give them time to talk out their emotions at their age level of understanding...even when they are raging and blaming you. It's hard but you're the safe parent to whom they can vent. Small children need to hear that "Daddy has a new house and we can't go there. You did nothing wrong. Mommy knows this is hard but, for right now, this is best ." Older children can hear "We can't go do Dad's house because he has some things to work out. Right now, we have to do what makes that best for everyone. These are adult things and I know it's hard to understand. It's nothing to do with you. I'll take good care of you." Teens can hear "Dad has stuff to work out, and my job is to keep us safe in every way. I know you care about your father, and adult stuff can be hard to understand. We can talk about your feelings, for sure, and I'm listening. It's hard, but safety comes in many forms and I know this is best for us at this time. I am not doing this to make your life miserable, but to support you in the best ways, even when you cannot see that. I know it might seem unfair, and I hear you. (Then, let them talk, affirm their feelings, reiterate the boundaries, and clearly tell them what is beyond your control.) I hope that helps. It will steer clear of the alienation part, and yet, many kids want way more answers. Let me know if you have other questions. I wish you well.

[@alecheamora3853]

This was excellent! Thank you for putting this out there! I’m a single mom of 5

[@sampson1582]

Am I the only one that noticed Dr Shaler actually listed 1,2,3,4,5,7,8,9,9 ? (actually a list of 9 things, never made it to a 10th. (unless #10 was document everything)