Gaslighting and ADHD

[@saturdayschild8535]

I was diagnosed ten years into a marriage to a major gaslighter/manipulator with ADD. Our children were also diagnosed with ADHD. I did not do well on a med trial (at diagnosis 15 years ago), but I’m struggling with executive function post divorce. My parents are similar to my ex husband in that they were extremely invalidating and neglectful parents. I swear abuse is the gift that keeps giving.

[@DrJohnKruse]

I hope that you find kind and supportive people to accompany you in life.

[@julietteferrars3097]

Issues with executive function can be caused by many things, including abuse and depression. Sounds like you have lots to grieve and would benefit from therapy. There are also many new meds for ADHD these days that might treat you better. Best wishes to you 💜

[@TedMyrrh]

I find that my spaciness and distraction draws overfunctioners who want to think for me, grab things away from me, teach me " the right way" to do things. They perceive you as achild needing a parent. If they have poor boundaries or narcissistic they use gaslighting to reinforcevyou give up your power and let them take over. I have learned to notice others reaction or discomfort with my stalled functioning from distraction.

[@wakegary]

loved the intro. humor is the way

[@friedchickenandflights6609]

The fact that I believed it 😅

[@Rosemary-1x]

I have intense adhd that went undiagnosed and untreated my whole life because of my parents not believing in it, and recently I've gotten diagnosed. I'd always misbehave in school and I was treated like a delinquent even though I was a very good kid at heart, I just couldn't sit still or refrain from talking which was always interpreted as disrespectful when in reality I had quite literally zero control over it and so I'd constantly be getting punished at school and at home. I can confirm everything you've said at the beginning is unfortunately very true. I went through a very abusive relationship with a girl who was a master manipulator/gaslighter so I know first hand how difficult it is to deal with that, especially with adhd things like rsd causing codependence mixed with the disassociation/forgetfulness making it extremely easy to be gaslit; it makes you feel so unbelievably confused like your mind was put in a blender, but luckily I've had enough reflection time now to be able to realize it. Kind of random but I realize largely that the problem with memory with adhd, with me at least, just has to do with the retrieval; so I can remember things much better later on once I am in a calmer state, even things that I was disassociated for in the moment sometimes. But anyways, another thing I wanted to validate about what you said was how often I get misinterpreted by others as a result of my momentary absent mindedness and inattention, and it's upsetting because I really don't feel like anybody understands me at all; they just seem to think I'm a narcissist which I don't really think is the case, and additionally people often drastically underestimate my intelligence because of the absent minded aspect of adhd causing me to often do air-headed things which seem really dumb from an outside perspective and understandably so, (really what the "absent mindedness" means for me is that my mind is constantly going at a million miles an hour and there's absolutely no stopping it and I'm constantly fighting things off and working through things in my head and it's a constant distraction), but others can't really understand that so they treat me disrespectfully and I get made fun of a lot for the clumsy things I inevitably do sometimes. However people are often surprised to know that I've always been an amazing student, even though I barely am able to pay attention, I have always aced every math class with ease, even calculus 2 was relatively easy to me, my point by saying this all isn't to brag, it's just to add to why I've always felt very isolated and misunderstood even though I've always had many friends. This isolation isn't helped by the fact that I'm an only child with parents who have been fighting since I was a baby and got divorced when I was 5 and have never had enough time or energy or, frankly, maturity for me emotionally. My day to day experience with adhd is a constant state of loneliness and isolation, with extremely volatile alternating states of extreme anxiety/dread and disassociation. Literally not a single person understands me except for myself, and it's extremely frustrating, however, I find solace in the fact that I at least understand myself now, because for most of my life I didn't. However, even though I have been generally depressed my whole life, I am still able to have fun in periods of time and enjoy myself enough to where life isn't too miserable, which I think is a benefit of adhd partially in that sometimes when you're able to hyperfocus, you're able to enter sort of a different dimension that is separate from all of the pain you experience for a while, which is what allows me to seem like such a happy person from an outside perspective, as my friends usually describe me as energetic, very outgoing, and passionate, and I always have a smile on my face around them, because that hyperfocus allows me to escape from all of my pain momentarily to sort of cling to that moment, so people often interpret me as a happy person, even though it's quite the opposite and the reason I seem so happy is because I experience so much pain and my baseline happiness is so low, that it makes interactions with others raise that baseline higher than the average person, causing me to be momentarily given a sort of high that makes me very happy and playful in the moment from a relative standpoint, but at the same time at a moment's notice I can be brought out of that and one second I'll have a smile on my face and in the next, despair will wash over me, and I have to mask it around people and keep a smile on my face to be able to relate to them, because it's confusing to people and normally when I let it slip and start getting really down all of a sudden people start getting uncomfortable and it makes them reject me, and seemingly most of the time people are projecting so when I get frowny they think I don't like them or something which is so far from the case but it drives a wedge in between me and the people I try to relate to. This makes interactions very stressful because I never feel like I can be myself, I always have to act happy to make other people happy because no one wants to be around a gloomy person, but it's not like I necessarily have control over it... like I do my best to try and be mentally healthy but the trauma is so intense that I can't just flip it off. I apologize for rambling sort of, but I just hope that this perspective is potentially helpful to your understanding of adhd, as much so as it is helpful and cathartic for me to get formulate these thoughts into words.

[@王老师古诗频道-g1r]

Appreciate your sharing of ADHD. I have a couple of students who have different types of ADHD in the classroom. One of them has the same symptoms as you, and luckily, his parents had the external OT and school OT for him. As teachers, we really want to support him but need the professionals' guidance and help. I hope you find ways to support yourself in your life.

[@chesneymigl4538]

This strikes very close to home. I'm a 40yo woman, so an ADHD diagnosis wasn't available when I was a kid. More specifically my mother was told, "Girls don't get that" When she questioned the pediatrician. I was able to do well in school because I was bright, but anything requiring extended effort or self-motivation was almost impossible. This put me in a position of perceiving the world one way and constantly being told it was something else. It didn't help that the main gaslighters in my life were my parents. They didn't have the emotional intelligence to understand what I was trying to communicate, nor the emotional maturity to want to do anything to change that. This meant that as soon as I got out academia, I hit a brick wall in life. I managed to get a B.S. and M.S. but couldn't land a job in my field to save my life. I constantly felt like a failure and an innately "wrong" human being, to the point where I was almost apologizing for even existing. I didn't feel worthy of even taking up space in the same room as someone else, just in case they wanted to be where I was, or that I might be a bother. I finally got diagnosed with ADHD and autism in my late 30s. Now I can look back and see so much of my life that was mystery, suddenly make sense. While the validation of what I was thinking and feeling is nice, it doesn't make up for the lost years and lost potential.

[@a.h.3456]

Masking gets exhausting. I feel you.

[@herbhungry7565]

Thank you for this upload. Im almost positive im adhd and my wife is atypical spectrum wise, we both throw the word around far too much. This was helpful for both of us ❤

[@markmuller7962]

Makes a lot of sense, I may add that given the link between ADHD-validation-guru-narcissism, it can often be the ADHD person being the gaslighter (especially within the undiagnosed/late-diagnosed group)

[@DrJohnKruse]

Yep, that's one angle I address somewhat in the video.

[@lisbethbird8268]

Excellent question! (ADHD , BPD, CPTSD) And Excellent answer!

[@DrJohnKruse]

Thanks!

[@justyouraveragejen]

Diagnosed ADHD, I honestly am struggling with "gaslighting". I can't tell if I am being gaslit all over the place, or I am having delusions or just am missing things. My husband says he has seen everything so it can't be delusions, but I don't know. I am starting to wonder. My brain can be very disorganized.

[@SaintTrinianz]

Try activities that require the use of both hands (typing, playing a musical instrument, knitting, crocheting...) This activates and integrates both hemispheres of the brain, resulting in a peaceful and focused state of mind. At first, this benefit is present only during the activity, but imo, if continued produces long-term benefits. It couldn't hurt...

[@lillaprofessorn]

I didn't know about gaslightin, tbh. But reactiv abuse, on the other hand, is something I've had my fair share of. I guess that could be seen as a kind of momentarily gaslighting. Actually, when i think about it. The "you're imagining things" or " you're just oversensitive" got used a lot by my family. Sure, i have may ADHD but im not brain dead. I know when im emotionally dysregulating because I'm self-aware as it happens, just unable to stop it. That doesn't mean i can't tell when someone is using ridicule and belittling as a projection to reinflate a damaged ego. So yeah, i guess in my case, I've been susceptible to gaslighting in the confounds of having adhd and growing up in a family that was riddled with neurodivergence, plagued and ruled by narcissistic traits. outside that vulnerable position, i would say im quite resistant to gaslighting as I've become a human lie detector and have a zero bs tolerance, with the exception of situations where serious ADHD exhaustion makes me dissociative, and distracted that i can't detect lies. Luckily, that makes me very tired and unsociable. obstructive to manipulation and any favorable response😴😂

[@justyouraveragejen]

@@lillaprofessorn I am a great lie detector, too, if I can stop to focus, but I have also learned I can't trust my memory often, so I can't tell if I remembered it right or if things got confused in my head somehow. I also had a brain injury in my youth, so, I am sure that is part of it. I can relate to being unsocial and exhausted. I wonder if other adhders feel that they don't really have a personality? I ruminate so much and I struggle to grab words and memories so I just stare like an idiot. I get frozen in my head.

[@lillaprofessorn]

@@justyouraveragejen to me that sounds like being stuck in a constant Fawn. And that isn't good, because that eradicates one's self for the sake of survival. it's crucial to learn to do things That's coherent to a true self and never do things by gauging yourself through a broken ego and external factors like attention or affirmation from someone else. You have to be totally selfish when self actualizing who you aspire to be to reach your true self. Because even if you're doing something to be kind and please someone else, it's completely wrong if you're not doing it for the sole purpose of you wanting to do it. You wanting to do something to please someone else is ego driven behavior covering a broken self image. You being yourself should be separated from evaluation trough others. Meaning that if your doing something to please others it doesn't matter if it's something at it's core good. You have to genuinely be true to yourself and only then could you self actualize and the only way pleasing someone else is okey is by following your core values and by doing so happening to please someone. Your aspiration of yourself should include traits that makes you a Good human being but not defined by the sole purpose of pleasing others as it's limiting our potential true self based on someone else's values. Do I make any sense?or am I rambling to much?

[@lillaprofessorn]

@@justyouraveragejen pleasing someone else trough being yourself is different to pleasing someone else despite of who your wanting to be. As there's no virtue in doing things for anyone else if it's done searching for self worth. There is only virtue in being yourself, happening to be of value to others😵‍💫 and to know what is what you have to meet the monsters of your insecurities and face your inequalities and work towards your highest aspiration of yourself regardless of what others think🙏❤️

[@SketchybrainD]

My ex recorded to prove I was being mean and that I changed what I was saying in the middle of conversations. She accused me of saying something and wanted to listen back to prove it. I was fine with that. She was so confident I was pretty nervous. She asked me what I thought I said and what I’m going to do when I hear for myself that it’s been me the whole time. I said I would apologize and do everything I could to fix it. I asked what she would do if went the other way. She said it’s not going to. The recording said exactly what I said it would. I didn’t have a I told you so reaction at all, that would not help s anything. I tried to say it was ok but she snapped on me. She got really mad and accused me of other things. She would never listen to recordings after that. I dont know why I stayed, things just got worse. She kept blaming me for things and denying things I could prove. She would do things I told her I can’t handle. She left me in the dark, silent treatment. She was lying to me. I was losing it. When I tried to end things she would do what she had to to get me to stay, then back to the games. She would poke for hours til I lost it then play her friends that part of the recordings she was still collecting. I got stuck trying to defend myself which just made me look even crazier. My mom got sick and I said we needed to end things. I couldn’t handle it anymore. She promised things would be different and she would help me……. She ghosted me the day after my mom died. I have been stuck, I want an apology or admission of anything. I told her if she makes any attempt at fairness I would leave her alone. She still says she never lied or did anything wrong and that I was mean to her. She won’t explain how though, just says I was mean. That’s her explanation.. take it or leave it., I just want to find a way to forgive her cause this grudge is really bad for me. There is more to this but it’s already to long

[@SketchybrainD]

If I stay away she sends me something like she is going to be reasonable then…. I know I’m dumb. I just dont get it. She asked for the relationship and I told her if she is not happy I would work with her or we could end it. Just stop doing things you know gives me panic attacks. I’m really not doing well. The guilt and shame of all this is gonna kill me I need to

[@DrJohnKruse]

Sorry to hear about this horrible relationship. You have the information you need, from the recording where your recollection was accurate, and hers was not. Anything more would just be repeating this over and over. You can only control yourself, not her, so while an apology or explanation would be nice, that is up to her to provide. Therapy may help with moving forward in your life, and in realizing that you can work through guilt and shame. I have a video on shrinking the shame of ADHD on this channel, and although it focuses on ADHD, many of the tools can be directed at any shame/guilt.

[@SketchybrainD]

@@DrJohnKruse I know I should have left then. I can never seem to do the things I know I should do.

[@DrJohnKruse]

@@SketchybrainD rather than beating yourself up, ask yourself 1) what have I learned? and 2) what can I do now to move my life forward?

[@SketchybrainD]

@@DrJohnKruse I appreciate you taking the time to respond. I really have been doing my best to get past this. I messed up bad though. I get stuck, my head overwhelmed with unknowns and I can’t slow it down. I don’t know what I think cause it is constantly changing. I’ll be sure of something, then that idea seems ridiculous and a new one. I don’t know what I think. My heads stuck trying to figure out a problem that doesn’t matter. It just doesn’t stop. I try to ignore it but it is so loud, I end up getting panic attacks. I had gotten past this and I gave up sex and relationships all together for ten years. I went seven years without a panic attack. I met my ex when I was about a year into having things under control. She liked me but I told her I sex and dating was not an option, we could be friends but that it. She spent the next six years being a really good friend to me. She would ask me to sleep with her regularly and sometimes she would get mad but she was there for me and I didn’t have many friends at all and lost the ones I did have (car crash. Drugs. Prison ). She ended up being my only friend. She knew everything about me. Soon as I have dating a chance she used it all against me. Not all at once…. I screwed up bad. She went out of her way to get complete control over me and used all she knew about me to punish me for expecting to be treated fairly. I didn’t know what the hell was going on, this person that had been there for me couldn’t be doing this on purpose. SMH. I was very wrong. I lost myself, I lost my mom while I was out of my mind and in a constant state of panic and the person that helped me calm down was the person causing the panic attacks. Man, I don’t know, I’m really trying. I lost a lot and dont have anyone that cares about me. I messed up really bad I’m sry. I know I need to get help. I have tried but my head shuts down on me and all the prep goes out the window. I just need to keep trying. I don’t look like I have all these problems I don’t know. Sry.

[@julietteferrars3097]

My brother with ADHD (medicated his whole life) is a notoriously messy eater and will drip barbecue & mustard all across the white living room carpet. Then he leaves it there for days until I finally ask him to clean up his mess. He’ll bend down over the drips, squint his eyes, and ask “what is this?” He denies any responsibility for many other things as well. It is crazymaking. I was more than tolerant of my older siblings with ADHD, when they lived with me, who would apologize and own up to things.

[@heyokastu2]

I'm now hesitant to develop new relationships because i know that people tend to gaslight me in order to control me. i have my longterm friends and past lovers who keep supporting me. now that i'm older and on medication i prefer to be alone and in control

[@lorettascott5477]

I can give you information about adhd and gaslighting!!! You can use me as a study!!!! Seriously I am about to go about with a body cam 24 7 and I have a lifetime to share to the point I just discovered that I was gaslit my whole life starting with my mother and I am surrounded by narcissistic people.....i really want to share more however its a lot and I am extremely busy at the moment!!! I have been considering a channel for the purposes of bringing the awareness of my situation to show others how their lives can be impacted or are currently being impacted without even knowing because let me tell you the past 2 years i have learned a lifetime.... I just got diagnosed 6 months ago and last year I discovered what narcissism is and holy Jesus what an epiphany!!

[@cro0w]

I think people with ADHD and combiend with ASP and ODD tend to lie to themselves, forget things, and gaslight a lot more than a "normal" person and then shield behind their "diagnosis". I'm speaking from experience since I have experience this in the past with friends. It's not like they have an upper hand, I'd describe it like something they do subconciously. I have no interested in taking advanatge of them nor can I be gaslit cus I'm too aware but its hard not to notice when people do it. I think it starts with taking accountability for argument and how you go about difusing. I'd argue that is a skill issue on either party.

[@Moon-Labs]

Dr John in the hizoooos!

[@manefedu8374]

I sometimes think about symptoms seen in subjects - to be a symptom of the civilisatorian zeitgeist - ? So, an attention deficit regarding f.i. people having had an experimental measurement mandatet to be able to provide for the family, then being gaslighted as it was oh soo safe and it was a psychological condition when f.i. the myocard was inflamed...

[@Nuhbuddys]

Hmmm. I thought this might be a video about someone gaslighting someone into believing they have adhd.

[@TrickStar-n7e]

Lol, it had crossed my mind as well! Although I have been diagnosed clinically multiple times, I feel like the rest of the world is what's wrong. We got stuck in a world of college people I don't accomplish technical wonders and they treat us like we are the problem even when we solve problems in a fraction of the time they can because we are hyper-focused. Play 100% okay being wrong, of course. Lol

[@Nuhbuddys]

@TrickStar-n7e That's what I believe. We were taught from a young age "multi-tasking." Sounds like adhd to me!

[@TrickStar-n7e]

@@Nuhbuddys I'm glad to see people that think like I do. What if companies put more effort into giving us an assistant so we can do three to four times the technical work than 2 college gpa4.0 brains? People could go to college just to become our assistance and deal with the menial tasks, help us with communications and non-tecnical tasks. That is what I see doctors doing with their nurses etcetera. It what helps stop wasting customer time trying to fix computers etc. But until then, I guess maybe I will buckle to the medicines they want me on. I know it might make the pharmaceutical companies a little more unhappy :-)

[@TrickStar-n7e]

Just for clarification was your observation about immigrants, legal or illegal immigrants? Whenever doctors get into politics, I kind of get more interested. I also felt that the Democrats are trying to sabotage everything Trump did and then turn made it harder for him to get things done. Play prioritized winning over a concern for citizens. I'm mostly listening because I have a hard time with focus and sleep but if you bring politics into things, I suddenly perk up. Lol My summarization could be wrong, but I find Trump to be a nationalist, which is okay by me. And he also seemed to rush meds to the people that need them. So maybe you were talking about Biden what's the weather left, and for that please forgive me if that's the case. Play Democrats did a lot to fail us in a time of need.

[@angking95]

that mom poss unconscious narc. if not then lucky to the daughter but come on, normal ppl don’t say that to another human just bc they are angry. esp for as nice as she seemed to be.

[@caroleyre9144]

Yes they can. Sadly.