Gay or Bi? The Nuances of Sexual Orientation

[@finchavri]

ive identified as bi, a lesbian, pan, a gay man, and then bi again over the past 10 years. 'coming out' this many times was a horrible experience, and i honestly regret spending my teenage years trying so hard to find the right label rather than just enjoying dating people i liked. a shame really

[@TallulahGuard]

MASSIVE AGREE!!!!

[@binathiessen4920]

Solution. Never come and never date anyone out like me. I'm mostly joking, I will have to come out at some point.

[@sagenerd419]

Yes! I say if I like it I do it 🥰

[@LeadHerring]

best thing is that you can start doing that now!

[@ClayMastah344]

that's real af. ill remember this story and just live my life

[@Felixiroflife28]

“I’ll need to sleep with at least 100 people... but that’ll take all weekend” I died

[@alicegaffen8424]

The more bi opinions I hear the more I think the defining quality of being bi is eternally questioning my own bi-ness. Bi confusion = bi affirmation... ?!

[@sarahfisher2868]

Ok you have a point

[@itvbewitchme]

Lack of clarity as clarity... this definitely tracks, I approve

[@acatwiththumbs4819]

Whole heartedly agree! I think the bi experience is definitely living in-between distinct categories. So sometimes my brain can settle happily with the ambiguousness, and then sometimes the panic kicks in of "Got to fit neatly in a box of I'm not real!!" So then I come back and watch more Verily to soothe myself. 💜

[@alicegaffen8424]

@@acatwiththumbs4819 Boxes are always sneaking up on us and we just don't fit in them!

[@hcxpl1]

​@@acatwiththumbs4819 from personal experience I can attest that cats will try to fit neatly into boxes that don't accommodate them

[@maru2825]

i identified as bi and that felt right. then one day calling myself bi felt "icky" and wrong but lesbian felt right, so i identified as lesbian for several years. then i got a crush on a guy who liked me back and i had to quickly think about my sexuality and decide if i wanted to admit im bi or not. now bi feels right again, and the thought of identifying as lesbian feels extremely weird, but my lesbian identity felt REAL back then so i doubt it could have gone much differently. sexuality is funny

[@ameena6485]

This could be what's known as the bi-cycle, where your attraction to men and women changes

[@cherryannablue]

@@ameena6485 That's what I was thinking. Sometimes I'm flamingly gay, sometimes flamingly straight, sometimes I'm somewhere in between. Bisexual really fits me though because those fluctuations in intensity don't change that I'm attracted to men and women.

[@orchidcapitalofitaly9780]

@@cherryannablue but in the end that’s the point. We’re not really gay or straight, we’re just bi. Whether we have an EXTREMELY strong preference for one sex and then another, we’re still bi

[@robdora607]

Maybe it’s you that’s funny..

[@thejunecooperative]

@@orchidcapitalofitaly9780 I still identify as bisexual but neither the term or the word lesbian quite feel right truthfully.

[@brandbird]

I feel like I'm in the minority in the queer community, because I'm a bi man, but one who only has ever had sex with a woman, and never a man. That one woman being my wife of 20 years last month. I have kissed and held men close to me, and I have fantasies about men (women too), and I feel like I'm 80% straight and 20% gay. (But that's BS, because I'm neither; I'm bi.) Straights laugh at me for ever only having sex with one woman, and gays scorn me for never having proper sex with a man. I mean I did have some very sexual experiences as a pre-teen with some boys my age, but I wouldn't count them as really sex. I feel being a bi man in a straight relationship is to be rather invisible. I have always been a LGBT+ ally, even before I realized I'm bi, because I just never understood why someone would discriminate based on something you had no control over. Also, even if we weren't "born this way", so fucking what, there's nothing bad in being queer. Anyways, whatever, I just found the channel and I really love the content. Peace & Love.

[@joypomeroy1452]

One of my more recent exes was a bi guy that I got the "v-card" of. Virginity is a construct, of course. If uber-Christian women can just decide they're a "virgin" again, anybody can decide what an encounter was based on how you feel about it looking back on it.

[@paulkemp8520]

Hey dude, no I am the same. I only realised I was bi just a few months before I got engaged to my wife. And mostly attracted to femmes, in about the same percentages you describe.

[@mazovianthought]

Hey, it's okay! I think lots of people have experiences like that, for a plethora of reasons. I'm a bi woman who is in a partnership with a man since 2008 and have never dated women before starting my relationship with him bc I lived in a small, very conservative area where I felt absolutely scared about being myself. Eventually me and my partner dated women together and it only confirmed what I already knew: that I'm completely bi, but even if we were monogamous, I'd still be bi. It's not the sex/gender of your partner who defines who you are.

[@magicalfluffybunny]

I'm a bi woman, but I've only dated men, and am married to a man. I had a sexual experience with one female ever. But I fantasize about both. Still valid

[@jessicac5520]

the experience of being in a long term "straight" relationship while figuring out that you're bisexual and not having had much or any sexual experience with any genders besides cis-hetero is actually not a minority at all (it might even be a majority)

[@MadameDesu]

How are you making so much content that speaks directly to me? But seriously, I’ve been thinking a lot about how identifying as “bisexual” often feels like a real choice, especially if you’re in a straight-passing relationship. My feelings and my inner self are not a choice, but the way I describe myself to other people is a choice in a way that identifying as straight or lesbian isn’t. It’s hard to explain without sounding like I’m saying that my sexuality is a choice...

[@RollingOnFire]

I might be wrong but maybe you feel that way because being bi isn't a linear ex^perience a lot of us go through different phases: being more attracted to men for a moment, then women or being sexually attracted to a gender then romantically to another etc. So it doesn't feel precise enough to encaptualate a whole lifetime of experiences of ones sexuality.

[@shushia1658]

I came out several times as bi while married to a man but I was often told I wasn't. Oh or accasionally asked kinky questions. Or propositioned. It ended up feeling a lot less tiresome just to be quietly in the closet than awkwardly out and getting gaslighted and or fetishized. Now that I'm dating again it is much more useful to be out... So

[@SiraSpirit]

I love this comment so much. I don't choose to be bi, but I choose to be vocal about it.

[@paulkemp8520]

Yeah, I am comfortably closeted to most, being a married apparent man married to an Apparent woman it feels easier to live "as if" straight, but me and my wife both know we are bi... we also know we arent quite cis, but most my freinds from back home know that one about myself at least, always used to "joke" I was a lesbian in a mans body... came out in a party that everyone knew I wasnt joking.

[@ShiitaKitsune64]

I suppose you could think of it this way: you're not choosing your sexual identity, but you're choosing when it is safe to actually disclose who you really are. If it's not safe to tell someone your identity, it is perfectly okay not to. No one should feel bad about not disclosing something that ultimately doesn't really matter to anyone else, especially if it's for one's own safety.

[@nightskystars0762]

I think the part you mentioned that the way you perceive labels affect your intuitions and how feel about them. I never used to like the word 'bisexual'. I kind of hated that's why I kept convincing myself I'm lesbian even though I've been in love with boys. But now I've got through that and 'bisexual' feels right!

[@laurendavis4198]

This is so interesting! I identify as bisexual and I think part of what’s difficult about it and why it took me so long to realize I was bi is a lack of representation. What does it look like to be bi? If you see two people who appear to be women in a relationship, it’s easy to call that lesbian representation (even if one or both of them identify as bi). If you see people in a relationship who appear to be a man and a woman, it’s easy to call that straight representation. How can I embody my bisexuality without revealing my personal life to people? And how can I see myself represented in media and the real world? It’s complicated but nevertheless I love who I am

[@Kobra87050]

If you are looking for good (in my opinion) bisexual representation, then I would highly recommend watching the tv show "the magicians". It has a lot of lgbtq characters in it, and the representation isn't corny or shoehorned in (again, in my opinion and also spoilers for the show kinda?), but it has some of the most tastefully done bi representation that I have ever seen with one of the main male leads in the show. And I just enjoyed the show haha

[@lujorom9172]

Honestly, annalise keating in How To Get Away With Murder is the best bi representation I’ve ever seen. She was married to a man for several years but had been dating a girl for several years in college. But there is a scene where she defensively says she isn’t gay, which I think is interesting cause apparently she doesn’t like that label (or is scared of it). She also never openly calls herself bi, but I think she clearly is. I also like it cause she’s not your young quirky bisexual side character, but she’s the main character and a woman over 50. By far the most realistic bi representation I’ve seen so far.

[@solar0wind]

An example of bad bi representation: Bean in Disenchantment. From the episodes it looks like she's most likely a homoromantic bise*ual who enjoyed sleeping with men in the past, but then in a recent episode the writers make her seem like a shy lesbian virgin... I loved about Bean that she was experienced because it's usually frowned upon for a woman to be experienced, and then I loved that she started to feel attracted to women. But now she's apparently not bi, but gay? (AND a virgin?) That's just bi erasure honestly.

[@cmlkhf]

@@solar0wind uhhh as a bi woman, i didn't interpret bean's attraction to mora that way at all. to me, it just read as a young woman who had only ever been with men experiencing same sex attraction for the first time and being kinda confused and surprised but still very much into it. i found their dynamic to be pretty sweet. she never said she wasn't attracted to men anymore and where did you get the "virgin" thing from??

[@solar0wind]

@@cmlkhf Bean said that she never did stuff with men except for kissing and holding hands. And yes, I found their dynamic very sweet as well, but what she said in that scene just felt off considering her character in previous seasons. Maybe I just misinterpreted what she said in those scenes (the writers are American; I'm not American, so maybe there were connotations/implications to what she said that I didn't understand for cultural reasons), but to me it sounded like she confessed to being inexperienced and a virgin and had never been actually interested in men before.

[@emmawhite6021]

i’ve been struggling so much recently as someone who identified as a lesbian for YEARS and then suddenly felt some attraction to men and now literally is dating a man lol. when i identified as a lesbian i was a teenager who spent every second of every day on twitter arguing about lesbianism and what it meant, specifically with bisexual women. i know biphobia is extremely prominent in the lesbian community, because i literally was biphobic. and now that i’m starting to come to terms with the fact that i may really be bisexual, there’s a LOT to unpack. your videos are helping me out a lot and i really thank you for that

[@verilybitchie]

That sounds like quite a journey. I'm really glad our videos can help!

[@TigerPixie1]

Just got here from the comphet video. This a just **chefs kiss** good stuff. Very calming for my confused little brain.

[@sagecarter2368]

Your videos are so freaking good I just want my whole community to see them all

[@colonelweird]

The end of this video is hilarious, and the rest of it reminds me of my struggles when I was younger. I first noticed my attraction to men when I was about 17, long after I noticed my attraction to women. (I didn't know about other genders back then.) I spent several years agonizing over what to call myself before finally accepting I was bi, then immediately proceeding to pretend I was straight for 30 years. I wonder how things might have been different. But at the time, I had no connections to bisexual community at all, and no language for understanding myself as bi. But I also intuited that I wouldn't fit into the gay subculture, plus I was terrified of AIDS. So although I didn't see it that way at the time, I was squeezed into heterosexual conformity. It seems strange to say it, but it was only my persistent fantasies about men that eventually pulled me back to reality.

[@lil_weasel219]

The beginning of your comment instantly reminded me of "Coming Clean" by Green Day

[@colonelweird]

@@lil_weasel219 Thanks for that, I hadn't listened to the lyrics before.

[@liallialcroc]

I experienced the exact opposite of when you said “fantasies can show that you like both genders and your actions could say otherwise” lol I thought I was bi/ pan for years but it was actually just heteronormativity telling me to keep sleeping with men even though all my fantasies were about women all the time and I had more fun with women. Lol I’m actually a lesbian I found out a few months ago. I still think men are attractive but I’d never want to have sex with one nor have a relationship with one.

[@unicorn1655]

I have fantasies about both men and women but I only have fallen in love with women. Though there still has to be a situation in which I want anyone, man or woman, to kiss me.

[@AdorableTheNerd]

butch lesbian in the comments here to say @ ppl who are questioning whether they are a lesbian or bisexual, if someone is shitty to u about that just point em out to me and i'll have a word with em. 💜 no one's sexuality is inherently better than anyone else's and bi women and lesbians have infinitely more in common than we don't.

[@Hist_da_Musica]

I love the cognitive dissonance when people say gender is a social construct and at the sime time treat sexual orientations as metaphysical entities

[@ioanaolaru3527]

I just wanted to tell you this video means a lot to me. It was just what I needed to hear since I have been questioning my sexual orientation for so long and I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere. I also love your other videos so much 💗

[@verilybitchie]

I'm so glad I could help! Thank you!

[@bronwynoneill2760]

Your videos have really helped me to understand my own bisexuality better, and much more of the political history around bisexuality. Love your videos! Funny, smart, awesome.

[@MP-il8ys]

✅Hilarious ✅Intelligent ✅Comforting What a great channel 👌

[@lucifersshroud]

This is incredible. You’re so well spoken and make great points. There need to be more people like you in the world

[@Faerie_Kim]

I use the word queer because I'm technically flexible but I hugely prefer women. I've had a tendency to use both bisexual and lesbian depending on which part of my sexuality it seems right and useful to emphasize at the time.

[@MaryamMaqdisi]

Same, I think my favorite label is sapphic because although I was in love with men a few times, I just feel more emotionally and romantically attracted to women and feminine enbies and my libido is very dependent on that so yeah. The last guy I was in love with was quite GNC and super sensitive, which isn't super common in men over here.

[@fefifofob]

I've done an exhaustive study and have decided that I'm a combination of 37 genders.

[@JordanSullivanadventures]

Thank you for continually reaffirming the model of sexuality as "whatever you enjoy, don't worry about it." (idk if this reads as sarcastic, but it's not -- I really do love your takes!)

[@MortalWizard]

I kinda think of sexuality like natural hair color; quite a lot of people are born with lighter hair that turn darker when they get older, it changes. Does that mean they chose their hair color? No, of course not. Everyone's hair is slightly different but we still have broad categories like "blonde", "brunette" and "black" hair, but someone with light brown hair might call themselves brunette or blonde, or dark brown could also be black. (btw I'm only talking about natural hair color, u can color hair but that is just painting it not actually changing ur hair color. It's not a perfect analogy but what is)

[@marln2157]

You raised so many points that I could never quite put into words before. I have always identified as bisexual and when I was younger I was lucky to have had a bisexual partner and a very supportive group of friends, where it never felt wrong to identify as anything. But especially in the last few years since I moved out from home and met new people in other cities, I've since been avoiding more and more LGBTQ + events and certain social scenes. Although I actually lived in a lesbian relationship for the last few years, I think the time I spent in the lesbian/gay community was kinda traumatic to me. Your channel really helps me to feel okay again. Thank you!

[@ShiitaKitsune64]

I really hate how heterophobic some gay people can be, wich is mostly directed at bi people and not straights. I think this hate came out of the false idea that bi people who are in a heterosexual relationship basically get to be gay without homophobia. Like no, all bi people still feel the affects of homophobia regardless of their current heterosexual relationship, it"s not some kind of "get out of homophobia free" card.

[@paulkemp8520]

I recon most of us stay closeted due to homophobia.

[@thejunecooperative]

I think you're just describing biphobia, possibly aphobia, and transphobia against straight trans people or straight passing nonbinary people, because the disdain for straight people doesn't hurt straight people, only those who appear to be so but are not.

[@ShiitaKitsune64]

@@thejunecooperative I was more specifically talking about bisexual (or pansexual etc.) people who are in straight relationships. Unfortunately, many bi people who are in, or have been in, heterosexual relationships get a lot of hate from gay/homosexual people who feel like the bi person doesn't have to face homophobia when they are in a relationship with someone of the opposite gender. Obviously, bi people still suffer from homophobia, and hating on bi people in strait relationships isn't going to do anyone good. I don't think that really changes if the bi person is trans or nonbinary, except maybe the extra layers of transphobia on top of everything. I do agree that straits are not oppressed for their sexuality at all though lol.

[@IxiaClover]

i always thought that surely the very fact that bi people struggle with their identity and needing to hide is very much a product of homophobia too

[@ShiitaKitsune64]

@@IxiaClover I agree, unfortunately many bi people get attacked on both sides...

[@GotInterest]

this touches on something that I think is being lost- which is there aren't always huge divides between bi and lesbian/ bi and gay for many people. I remember there being a time when "gay" and "lesbian" were more umbrella terms. I think gay is still that was for the most part, but the word lesbian seems to have become sectioned off as only being for women who are only attracted to women and not attracted to men at all. Like I remember bi women referring to their relationships with other women as "lesbian relationships" or referred to themselves as lesbians simply because they were far more interested in women than they were in men, or because they only really ended up dating other women. Now people seem to get very angry over the concept of bi women doing this. I'm not saying that's wrong or anything, it's really not my business to dictate how non-heterosexual women define their own terms, but it does seem a bit strange, and that this may cause difficulties for women who aren't sure of if they are attracted to men or not. There is not as big an emphasis on dividing men between gay and bi men and I know plenty of bi men (myself included) who call themselves and their attraction gay in casual conversation

[@rafaelmarcos9733]

I identified myself as gay whole my life, I didn't know about bisexuality. After learning about bisexuality, I got confused. I really like boys, but I had some female crushes either. I feel more atracted to boys than girl, but this girls atraction doesn't happen very often.

[@WhovianRanger42]

Same as me. My atraction to male and male-aligned people is very different than female and female-aligned people, so it was hard sometimes, cause I tried to fit myself into the definition of gay and bi, but at the same time I wasn't feeling gay enough or bi enough. I currently identify myself as a homosexual and biromantic man, so I see myself inside the bi spectrum, but also identify a lot with the word gay (not due to biphobia, but because my connection with my sexual side - which is homo - is much stronger than the romantic side - which is bi). I receive a lot of hate for identifying myself like that, cause for some people I am contributing to bi erasure. I know bi erasure and biphobia are something terrible in and out the lgbtqia+ community, but as Varily said, there's no line separating gay from bi, and there's a lot of points we may consider when labeling ourselves. So, even considering all those points to define my sexuality, I didn't get an answer that makes me comfortable enough to say "I'm just gay" or "I'm just bi". It doesn't mean that people whose sexuality is similar than mine must identify the way I do. It depends on the personal perception that a person got on their own sexuality. So each of us kinda have to take a journey of self discovery to find out the answers. I am taking my journey; sometimes this journey is hurtful, but it's also very beautiful. :)

[@abbliee5439]

I know you made this comment last year lol but I really resonate with you. I've identified as gay since I was 13, (I'm currently 17), but I'm starting to develop feelings for a girl at my school. And it's strange because it's never happened before, whereas I've liked boys for a long time without a doubt. It's so confusing, because gay no longer feels right, but neither does bi, because literally out of the 100s of guys I've felt attracted to, this is the first girl. Maybe...gay-fluid?

[@Changeling]

@@abbliee5439 The term I've seen to describe that is homoflexible though I'm 100% onboard if you'd rather describe yourself as gay-fluid.

[@stawpicouldvedroppedmycroi5127]

Yet another great video! I've always struggled with what label I should associate myself with and this video really made me think and understand this struggle further! Strangely infatuated with your channel its both intriguing and highly educating really opening up my mind!

[@tonyagibbs1963]

So, so good! I would make it required reading for any human sexuality class. You are doing such great work. Can't wait to watch you top yourself again in the next video!

[@almondmilkbone]

Ngl I only knew of your Doctor Who videos for the better part of a decade and I'm so happy that I found this channel. As someone who struggles with labels for both my gender and sexuality, this makes me feel really seen 💜

[@ruthcrean2316]

I'm so glad the algorithm sent me your way. I've been making my way through a bunch of your videos this week. It's so validating to hear someone speak to the complicated nuanced queer experience in an open way. Plus your attention to detail with research is spot on! I love hanging out in queer KZbin, it's my happy place, it's great to find a channel that is researched well, but also not too dry. I'll happily keep bingeing!!

[@Ireallywouldrathernot]

I am so hideous in all ways that no one has ever tried to date me so my sexual identity has always been what I decided it was. And no one has ever cared, it was all for me. I wish someone would care.

[@rileylovebucket6080]

That's rough, buddy.

[@NAUTICAY]

Really awesome video! There's been a lot of internet debates about "bi lesbians" and as a "regular" lesbian, I was very confused by it. But ultimately, whether you agree or disagree, sexuality is complex. And these people who identify that way are not the people who are putting homophobic and transphobic laws in place. They are just people living their lives. I'm questioning my gender, and I have a crush on a non-binary lesbian. I know a lot of people would get confused by that, and that's okay! Just let people live peacefully, ya know?

[@dndlee6872]

I always get so pissed off when I see other lesbians being biphobic towards bi women because what we really need is solidarity and support. I've known people who used to identify as bi women and are now lesbians and lesbians who now identify as bi women. These categories are ever-shifting and entirely arbitrary. Hell, maybe one day I'll decide I'm bi too. There is no concrete line between these made up words. And while labels can be useful, seeing them being used to oppress is incredibly disheartening. Moral of the story: fellow lesbians, stop being assholes, get off twitter, and go audition for your community theatre production of fun home or something idk.

[@booksandbabushkas]

Brilliant! I’ve had to really wrangle with my desire for clear and concrete labels as my understanding of my gender & sexual orientation has wavered in the last decade, and the way that you’ve framed this whole dilemma is very reassuring somehow. Thank you!

[@kashiichan]

So good to see someone else mention the genderqueer -> non-binary historical "evolution" that happened, and also the feelings fallout around the whole thing. I got very comfortable with "genderqueer" (if only because "non-binary" is literally defining my existence in opposition to something), but now if I want people to understand what I mean, I have to say I'm non-binary. So I'm using a term I don't like just so I can be understood, which "feels" wrong-but what can I do?

[@nikkipatterson8944]

Thank you so much for this video! I looked at the Lesbian master doc and read articles and watched videos telling me I was a Lesbian. Okay, maybe I am, but I kept going back and forth with labels. Seeing this, I realized I can choose how I identify. Maybe I'm not sexually attracted to men, and I am sexually attracted to women, but I could still see myself in a relationship with anyone regardless of gender. I can love anyone. I can choose to call myself pansexual if I want, but I'm okay if you want to call me a Lesbian or Bisexual. Honestly, I've liked connecting with Bisexual people. What my journey of self discovery has taught me is being queer is cool, and it's okay to like whoever you like.

[@ArtfulCosumDust]

I identify as Bifluid and Bisexual rather than just Bisexual since I didn't fully feel an equal romantic and sexual attraction to men equally. Of course I know it's common for Bi to not be 50/50, but I felt like these shifts aren't stagnent and can shift dramatically over years. My sexual and romantic preferences may be in conflict as well. I didn't feel comfortable using just the "Bi" cycle because my sexuality feels very fluid. So Bifluid feels right. It's less common, but one that fits me.

[@acatwiththumbs4819]

I love how I feel like I'm learning a lot from your videos, but I'll also start giggling when you toss in good humor and 4th wall breaking. It helps my ADHD brain stay engaged and not get bogged down in bi panic. Thank you so much for making content like this ☺️

[@MoOmBaMaStAr]

God this was so good

[@nearvegnuggins]

This video is great! It really well highlights the problems with a lot of identity gatekeeping. People feel so protective of their chosen words that they turn them into boxes rather than ideas and loose labels. I'm someone who has accepted that I just do. Not. Fit. Any of the prescribed simple little identities that lots of (very online) lgbtq people think they've decided on. So I just use words in a more practical way. Sometimes I'm gay, sometimes I'm a lesbian, sometimes I'm bi, whatever fits! It legitimately does not matter to me anymore. Community should be about support and celebrating what we have in common regardless of other categorical differences. This video was a nice exploration of those complexities and made me feel seen for some of the identity struggles I've had in the past, and occasionally still do. Thank you for making it!

[@venuslove-i1v]

I don't really like the idea behind comphet. I plan on also doing a video as well to support you on this. It is used so many times to dismiss bi people. These ideas came out when bi people and trans people were not even considered valid (1970s). We need better discourse on this.

[@NinaErreVlogs]

Thank you for speaking about this. Like many others in the comments, I've noticed how I got both crushes on girls and boys. I always knew I was bi, but never talked about it. Fell in love with a guy and had a straight relationship for 12 years, broke up and now in another straight relationship for 5... I havent have any contact to other bi sexuals and always been wondering Im I bi because how my life companions have turned out to be? I've never even kissed a woman. Dont know how things will go in the future but your videos are really supportive and this is the 1st time I am talking about this. Thank you.

[@friskybitzboi]

I’ve never had trouble identifying as bi (except for a short period in middle school when I identified as pan because I didn’t know bi included attraction to enbies), I’ve known since like 5th grade that I like guys and girls and I’d like to date all these hot people, please and thank you, and I am an entire bisexual stereotype (cuffed jeans, finger guns, a walking identity crisis)- but I’m having the struggle depicted in the video with me gender. For years I’ve been debating whether or not it’s worth it to admit I’m nonbinary- just a couple weeks ago I officially came out just online and I still don’t know how I feel- yes, I don’t feel completely female and I’m definitely not male but between some internalized bs and the practical struggles of being openly nonbinary, I don’t know if I’ll ever be out in real life. A big hurdle is definitely with how nonbinary is now under the trans umbrella and I can’t bring myself to say I’m trans- I feel like the trans experience is a struggle I’ll never relate to even though I have physical and social dysphoria and I don’t really identify as my assigned gender. By definition, I probably am trans but saying that feels like I’m invading a space I don’t belong in because I could probably live happily in the closet for the rest of my life. It’s probably just because I’ve been gaslit by trans friends about my gender and also toxic transmedicalism but maybe I really shouldn’t identify as nonbinary because it’ll just make my life more difficult- it’s all very hard, I wish I had the confidence with my gender that I have with my sexuality. I really am a polyamorous, bisexual nonbinary switch and I’ve never made a decision in my life lmao

[@KayKayBayForever]

Hey, you sound a heck of a lot like me. Thanks for sharing. Indecisiveness FTW

[@friskybitzboi]

@@KayKayBayForever If it helps, I’ve accepted I’m nonbinary and I’m out at work and school. It’s scary, especially living in Florida with an non-accepting family but it’s been mostly good

[@KayKayBayForever]

@@friskybitzboi That is helpful! It’ll take me a while to get there, I think. I only just managed to tell my family I wasn’t religious anymore, and that took years. But I think I’ll get there eventually. :)

[@friskybitzboi]

@@KayKayBayForever Good luck!

[@katiepowellmedia7431]

You're so funny and I love your take on this stuff. I was recently told by my mum to not call myself gay because I am bi/pan whatever you want to call it, but I use gay to mean not straight, I'm kind of enbi aswell but I'm not very open about that, so that adds a whole other layer. Like you I used to refer to myself as a gay man in a feminine tom boys body, then I came out and it became more complicated. I am really enjoying your videos though and they are quite validating. I've never seriously been with women so I've faced quite a bit of discrimination, even from people who aren't outright homophobic, but are maybe a bit biphobic and don't realise it. You're doing good work and I'm really enjoying your content xx

[@Youtube_Accountt]

I'm an oriented aro-ace but i've always felt strong platonic/aesthetic attraction to men and women. I've always struggled with wondering if that made me "bi enough" to label myself as bi-oriented, until i remembered that labels are supposed to be whatever i want instead of being strict boxes to fit myself into!

[@whovianrusher7145]

At this point, I think I've seen this video an unhealthy number of times

[@dameanvil]

01:03 🤔 Exploring one's sexual orientation often involves a mix of experiential and introspective approaches. 02:05 🌈 Framing sexual orientation as innate has been influential in LGBT rights movements, fostering empathy and acceptance. 03:09 🔬 There's no DNA test for sexual orientation; it's often observed through behavior and desires. 04:10 🔄 Behavior, not just identity, is crucial in understanding sexual orientation, as evidenced by the Kinsey Scale. 05:09 🤷‍♂ Behavior alone may not fully correlate with identity, leading to complexities in labeling sexual orientation. 06:56 🤔 Our intuition in choosing labels may be influenced by societal norms, experiences, and personal beliefs. 09:00 🤔 Identity is subjective; what matters most is what feels right for the individual within their social context. 12:04 🤔 Practicality often guides label usage, with individuals selecting terms based on their needs and experiences. 15:31 📐 The line between gay and bi is fluid, influenced by politics, beliefs, and personal preferences rather than rigid distinctions. 16:50 🏳‍🌈 Community acceptance is essential, regardless of how one navigates their sexual identity journey.

[@UskInaTE]

Man... if you think that’s confusing, try throwing asexuality and aromanticism into the mix! I’m a gray-romantic sapphic asexual who though I was bisexual for so long simply because I feel equal lack of sexual attraction towards any gender. Was in a relationship with a man for years because he was my best friend, I loved him and we genuinely had a lot of fun together! But there was always something that didn’t feel right and sex always felt like a chore that I would avoid thinking or talking about as much as I could. I finally found out about asexuality several years into the relationship, we tried to make it work with him sleeping with other people but eventually he told me that “he loved me but he wasn’t in love with me anymore”, which confused me because I honestly thought he said that he loved me but he didn’t love me. Turns out I didn’t know there was a difference between romantic and platonic love because I experience romantic love sooo rarely, but then I met my current girlfriend and now it finally all makes sense!

[@LikaLaruku]

I can kinda relate to this. I am repulsed by personally engaging in physical contact with others, I don't even like it when relatives accidently bump into me. But I sure love to watch, be it innocent romance or porn. & I don't care if it's gay, lesbian, straight, or bi. I have never felt romantically towards another person in my entire life. Any attempts at dating left me feeling like they were a parental figure, I was the parental figure, or like they were a sibling.

[@someonesomeone25]

I just invented my own labels because nothing else seemed to fit. But it doesn't matter really. I just go around being me, and people can label that whatever they want I guess, so long as they're not trying to be offensive about it.

[@gablison]

MOGAI sounds an awful lot like mo gwai (魔怪) which means monster in Cantonese, for all you Gaga fans out there! :D

[@IxiaClover]

honestly it doesnt matter what youre born as because if youre feeling love or attraction for someone in that moment, then you are feeling love or attraction to them... everything is in your head anyway so there's no way its fake if you know it, lol

[@lisathornton6498]

I identified as bi when I was 14. I've had 2 significant relationships in my life. One when I was with a boy in my teens and one with my now husband. My mother does not seem capable of comprehending that while I never found the right woman, that does not erode the fact that I am 100000% bisexual

[@lil_weasel219]

Im a lesbian and remember having distinctly gay feelings when i was a 3 years old toddler. And not only that, all the other aspects of my sexuality were already there in good part: being into alternative femmes, and what parts of a woman's body captivate me the most. I can use the term kinsey 6 i think because ive never been attracted to men in my entire life (w that said i favour using a variant of the kinsey scale that describes more attractions than behaviours, plenty of lesbians were pressured into be with the opposite sex, and plenty of bi women suppressed their attractions toward the same sex). But anecdotes aside, Ive read a large amount of research on this topic and ive never come across anything that suggests nurture plays a significant role, and it's been investigated. it appears the polarity of the attraction is practically exclusively biological, and everything else lies in the lack of awareness of ones attractions, and how detailed the language used to describe attractions is.

[@faywillowstream]

holy shit i (we) needed this! thank you. i wonder if it’s possible to have romantic attraction with social repulsion towards a gender? can that be worked on?

[@wisteria6656]

I think so

[@lujorom9172]

Or the confusing phenomenon of being sexually attracted to a gender, but not being able to relate emotionally (me with men lmao).

[@IPONJ]

Finally was able to sit and finish watching. This is your best work so far. Great use of comedy.

[@troyzaher]

This is basically how I feel too, as someone who’s bi but leans gay, came out as gay originally, and still mostly dated men. Though I think my avoidance of dating women is because I don’t want the attention of it (it’s one thing to identify as bi to gay friends that have only seen you with men, but it’s another thing to actually start dating women). I’ve thought about the term “homoflexible” but it just seems off to me. I’m not too worried about it honestly , but I appreciate videos like this because it’s helpful to think about

[@jizburg]

"that will take me the whole weekend" Damn. Thats one hot weekend

[@TigerPrawn_]

6:47 Robyn Ochs has a workshop a bit like this where you fill out a sheet like this anonymously and then switch papers with everyone in the room so you are holding someone else’s and then for each question you all stand on a number on the Robyn Ochs scale™️ plotted on the floor of the room corresponding to what the person filled out on their paper. One of the questions is how the person on the sheet self identifies and sometimes you get 2 people standing on number 4 for example where one uses the label gay and uses the label bisexual. All this to say, sexuality is super fluid and complex and beautiful (you get a lot of people crying at these workshops because they realise there is no right answer, it’s just you and what you feel) there is no line in the sand ❤

I've been binge watching the videos on this channel, and I'm loving it. Just great content. The questions, the approach, the humor. Just brilliant. Congratulations.

[@yoschicks729]

"are you gay?" "oh yeah im bi" i like using both, gay as a general term, bi for specific

[@percyparker1489]

not to totally necro this video's comment section, but ive been watching a lot of your content and have really been loving the philosophical lens of the channel! ive never strongly questioned my orientation, though there have been some speedbumps from being trans and assxual(especially the latter; youve NO idea how many times ive had to explain to people that im still romantically attracted to men even though i dont experience sexual attraction). one thing i used to go into fits over was the idea that sometimes, very rarely, i'll have crushes on FICTIONAL women, but ive never been attracted to or interested in women outside of that context. some people may consider me bi, but i feel like calling myself that would be silly, so im very comfortable identifying as a gay man. bit of a ramble, but thats my two cents on the matter :D

[@singer.ellena.mackay]

I feel this way between Bi and Pan, my behaviour looks more Bi but my attraction capabilities is more Pan. I identify as Bi because people see me having attraction for those that appear male or female whether or not they identify as male or female 😅

[@michiem13]

this was food for my soul for sure, thank you

[@politesociety]

I definitely feel I've always identified as ambiguous gradient my whole life and never knew the way to express it before now.

[@maryweeee]

I Id as bisexual it was the first term that fell valid to me I only dated women but a lot of my crushes have been men (cis or trans people) when the term pansexual came to the spanish speaking community people try to use it on me but I have already feel in love whit being the bisexual and the term is the right one to me even if pan and bi can be described as the "same "

[@turbulentbeauty]

I've been thinking of these topics a lot lately. Thanks for making this video.

[@zingzing7426]

another great video, this was so interesting!! though I'd heard a lot of these perspectives before, I'd never heard them applied quite so pratically in a way I can relate to as bisexual. thank youuuuuuu

[@LikaLaruku]

Your British accent is pretty good TBH. Made me think of Edwina from Absolutely Fabulous.

[@riley4767]

This is hands down the most validating thing I have EVER seen regarding my own sexuality. I cannot thank you enough. I read the infamous masterdoc and knew there were questionable bits - but wanting to try on the title of “lesbian” just “felt right”? Much like turquoise you, I clearly want to date women, but I’m also not a “Kinsey 6” - and I have “identified” as bisexual for almost a decade thanks to pretty much the same horny teen experience as you (and in my case the resultant compulsory heterosexuality), and as a result, “bisexual” FEELS wrong because to me it describes real attraction to men + compulsory heterosexuality + self-hatred for my attraction to women. I really, really appreciate the different deep dives into the different models of sexuality. That kind of breakdown is honestly the only way my brain will accept what I was viewing as platitudes of “you are valid! Only use labels if they help you!” Etc. Because now I have a backing and a logic for why I haven’t been able to “work it out” - humans are demonstrably complicated and that. Is. Normal. Thank you so much. Truly. :) ❤️

[@beetlegeuse1961]

I really wish I would've found your channel sooner, all of this stuff would've helped a lot when I was younger

[@SebastianSeanCrow]

13:08 growing up I thought the LGBT community was called the gay community so when people said they were gay I’d be like “gay as in gay/not straight or gay as in the gay community”?

[@blackandwhitethinking]

i haven't even watched this yet but the THUMBNAIL has me reeling

[@knedl4205]

This is why I personally don't like we have as much labels for everything I understand for some might be comforting and helpful but for me it just makes everything more confusing that's why I gave up on labels and just say to people I'm queer in every way or that I just- am and there's no need to question it

[@phoenixwrites7181]

When you were talking about technically fitting the definition of non-binary but never liking it, I felt that in my bones. I’ve always felt things that are considered “non-binary” but even that label didn’t feel right. After I found the term agender for some reason it felt so much better, like I was unaligning myself with gender altogether rather than being a different flavor of gender. It isn’t perfect and I wish I didn’t even have to use a label for people to understand, but I at least feel more comfortable. To me it’s like the difference between someone saying they’re a centrist versus them saying they’re apolitical. One implies that you have certain alignments in politics on both sides, while the other implies that you don’t have strong alignments with politics as a whole.

[@melodybales2038]

I love all the deep dives you do into these topics. It's borderline philosophical and I LOVE it! Thanks for videoooooooo

[@nikotina899]

You made me cry and laugh, I lost it when you talked of your patreon by the end lol

[@celma7598]

I just have to say, thank you so so so much for this video. As someone who is struggling with this exact issue and has been searching for some information about it, or just a general conversation , this video is a life-saver. I feel more comfortable (after this video) than I have felt in a while. Thank you!!!

[@ilaydakekec682]

this is really helpful, soothes my grueling confusion a little. Thank you :')

[@lonelyaura]

You know, sometimes the MOGAI scales just feel very tmi in of themselves. I understand the urge to try and find the very specific label, but like...people don't need them to know me. I might want to write about it, or speculate in stories, but what it ends meaning is that I'm capable of loving any gender, regardless of how I get there. (Bi works better for me than pan, mostly because I encountered bi first, I like "same and other" interpretation, and how I interact with different genders is different.) Not everyone i meet needs to know the intricacies of that experience, so...bi.

[@user-lt9ed3hi9b]

when i first figured out i wasn’t straight i thought i would be bi. and while i do like everyone of any gender identity, cis or not, titles like bi or pan never felt right. sometimes i feel like i never really need a title. but other times i feel like i sound ridiculous trying to explain that i don’t use those titles even if i could fit into many titles that do include liking all genders.

[@mushroomocean5177]

So many more people need to be watching your content!

[@muovipussi333]

I feel ✨represented✨ by this!

[@tetrabelle]

Ive been binging your videos all day I am so happy to find someone who understands

[@queerlyvictorian]

Verity: Brunch is gay, by the way. Me: … I knew it.

[@JordanSullivanadventures]

I identify as gay, bi, and pan -- depending on the circumstances and context I may use one term over another. I use gay to claim my identity as a member of that community. I will use bi if I'm around people I think don't know (or will feel judged by) the word pan, and I'll use pan when I'm around other pan people XD

[@winter-i-i]

this video was SOOOO helpful uuuuhhhhh thank you!

[@bumpgrrl]

I'm going on a serious re-watch of all your stuff just to feel better about my bi identity in the wake of the JS bs that just exploded. and to re-up you in my algorithm after watching too much of his shit. and to get actual facts about queer community and fix all the misinformation i swallowed :( LOVE YOUR STUFF THOUGH

[@matilda9906]

This is my new favorite channel. I needed this. Thank you

[@lyndonwesthaven6623]

Oh, I like the framing of 'what do you want to communicate with your identity'.... I tend to identify as ace/aro, even though if I break down my experience of attraction I can make a much better case for ace/gray/demiromantic. But I don't wish to pursue romance, and that feels like the more relevant identity for interpersonal interaction.

[@anonikamous]

This was phenomenal. I value your well thought out presentation. Thank you for sharing this with the world.

[@taraboyd3297]

I love Love LOVE that there is this much good discourse around gender, sexuality and all the intersectional feelings and societal pressures everyone feels in their own unique way. I grew up in a hard binary world that was so ingrained that even lesbians tended to follow it. Now I struggle to stay up to date with all the terms and it is awesome. Also, if you are looking for a lesbian that is ok with however you identify as long as you aren't a jerk, here i am! Be yourself you glorious moonbeam.

[@TalysAlankil]

"sapiosexual - himbos only" killed me dkljfsklfjdsklj

[@periwinkleblue3416]

I somehow have the feeling the more I educate myself on these topics, the less I know. At least I have learned that a person who tells me they are a bisexual lesbian, is not necessarily making a joke ... And that is something after all.

[@user-ib5xn8pn2q]

so thankful to have found your channel 😭

[@bethaniehead4710]

"it's clearly a gay baby" 💀

[@galisatsuki]

17:14 🥺💕, 17:33 🤣 Such a good video. But I do wanna say that, in my opinion, it's probably easier for a person to figure themselves out when they ignore all outside influences. In other words, keep politics and desire for community out of the picture. They should just focus on themselves and what they feel. It's a process and might take a long time, they'll get there.

[@jochio]

Teal-wigged you spoke all of my thoughts! I also fall between bi and gay and struggle to identify as one or the other. I would say I’m like 75-80% gay but I don’t think a number can define my complicated feelings haha

[@jus4795]

I have a different question: If sexuality is a spectrum, where is the line between bi and asexual?

[@mschrisfrank2420]

I think it’s a different dimension, not necessarily on the same spectrum.

[@jus4795]

@@mschrisfrank2420 If I do not feel attraction to people (For me loving somebody is more of a conscious choice than sudden realisation (attraction/falling in love/who know what)); How can I differenciate between being asexual or bisexual if because of lack of attraction I could be with people of any gender (provided that they wanted to be with me and I were single)

[@MiriamClairify]

Ikr???

[@Crystal-ee2eq]

I love that straight isn't an option 😂😂